Maybe it's not working out

[Magnaus]

I will say this...do what you feel is right and that things always unfold as they should...maybe this job was a catalyst for you to start the next chapter of your life.

 

I agree Lulu, maybe it is the next chapter in my life. It is about time for me to move forward.

[Magnaus]

Djeezes man, with this attitude it is clear that you are not husband material. You have no empathy at all for her feelings, it's all about YOU YOU YOU. You are immature!

A relationship has to be a win-win situation in which BOTH partners can find fulfillment.

I don't condone cheating but either you reconcile or either you divorce. But staying with her and hanging on to your grudge is incredibly unfair.

 

Pink I must respectfully disagree with your outrageous claims about me and my marriage. I have loved her and hard, might I say and if you haven't read my other post, I am separating from her. It is obvious that our relationship is over from the discussion we had today.

 

I don't know where did you get I am holding a grudge for simply looking out for myself, when I have a wife at home who today, has basically said she doesn't give a damn about me and never has. I think it's incredibly unfair for you to insult me and call me immature because of my actions.

 

You have wasted her time because she has really done an effort to save your marriage but now she finds herself at the same point again: you being abroad in a dangerous job. Well you can be happy coz now you got back at her.

Again your claims are outrageous and I have not taken this job to "get back at her" as you say. That is not true. I took this job because I simply want to work. To have a career. A job, instead of wasting my time being a stay at home husband. How is that selfish and immature of me to look after myself, when my own wife has shown that she cares only about herself and her feelings, by cheating on me? What type of wife tells her own husband he never was good enough for her? If that's all you're going to do is be rude, then quite frankly I don't need your "advice."

 

I hope for her she finds someone who really loves her...

This was really uncalled for.

[Magnaus]

You don't have children with her (why would you want to after this anyway), so you need to do what's best for YOU, not her.

 

Be thankful you don't have children. Trust me, it makes things a lot more complicated. Regardless of your feelings, the two of you may want to have sex - just make sure you don't have sex with her without protection.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thank you Alice. We were planning to start trying to have children later this year, but unfortunately that will never happen and I'm glad it won't, nor do I want any sex with her and I doubt she would want any from me either. Her words today and total demeanor is a permanent turn off.

[Magnaus]

I just read the thread and am very happy you took the position. Coming from a career military family, and seeing how it has destroyed marriages of cousins/uncles, etc., it is not an easy undertaking. Not all women are cut out to be military wives - it's best to be military and find someone, than vice versa. Your wife seemed to think that, perhaps, she was able to take on the task. Well, now you know she isn't, and expecting her to be is about as realistic as expecting you to remove the military from your make-up.

 

She is not a bad person and neither are you, you two are simply chasing goals that are entirely incompatible. I think it's unfair of other posters to accuse you of being selfish and placing your feelings over hers. You have a life goal, and since you have no children, there's no reason anything but that should come first. You don't owe it to your wife to give up your dreams, just like she doesn't owe it to you to enable them. Best of luck.

 

Hey thanks for those kind words, NeverDated. I do think it has now become more of an incompatibility/no love issue, and it is best that we part ways. I'll be moving out of the house before I leave.

[Lois]

Good luck Magnaus, I wish you all the best.

[TripLine]

I'm a military vet and I am surprised that you are surprised. I know my co-workers sleep around with each other and civilians, whether they are in a relationship or marriage. It is hard to not connect with the opposite sex when you get the chance to. 2 years is a long time as well. I was deployed for 4 years and I have been to countries and done some crazy **** I am not too proud of. That is the military life.

 

If I were you, I would never be able to trust someone who cheated on me. But maybe you love her enough to give it a second shot.

[maybealone]

I never said it was more important in my life than she is. What I don't understand is how is me taking a job, equates to me not loving her? It seems you're only taking her side instead of taking into account my feelings in the situation.

 

I didn't mean to imply that it was more important than she is, just that she might see it that way.

 

Taking a job does not equate to not loving her. But she didn't marry a Navy man, or a man who worked in another country. We don't marry a person, we marry a lifestyle too. The game plan was changed on her, and not everyone does well being married to someone who is gone a lot.

 

To me I think it's pretty moot to say that I'm not cut out for married life just because I chose to serve in the military and take up a security position. I don't want to spend the rest of my days doing absolutely nothing, sitting around the house basically being a bum. I think I'd rather be with someone who appreciates what I can contribute to the table instead of being negative about it.

 

And she may be better off with someone who wants to be with her every day. Again, that's not anything wrong about your career dreams or her needs, it just means what you both want out of life might not match up.

[Magnaus]

I'm a military vet and I am surprised that you are surprised. I know my co-workers sleep around with each other and civilians, whether they are in a relationship or marriage. It is hard to not connect with the opposite sex when you get the chance to. 2 years is a long time as well. I was deployed for 4 years and I have been to countries and done some crazy **** I am not too proud of. That is the military life.

 

If I were you, I would never be able to trust someone who cheated on me. But maybe you love her enough to give it a second shot.

 

No I gave it all I got and I got disrespected for it. I served my country, I got disrespected for it. I took up another job, I got belittled for it. No way will I continue to be in this marriage.

[Magnaus]

I didn't mean to imply that it was more important than she is, just that she might see it that way.

 

Well "her way" doesn't matter anymore in my book.

 

Taking a job does not equate to not loving her. But she didn't marry a Navy man, or a man who worked in another country. We don't marry a person, we marry a lifestyle too. The game plan was changed on her, and not everyone does well being married to someone who is gone a lot.

 

Right but that doesn't justify sleeping with someone I thought was my friend for a year. And it's not like I woke up one day and said that I wanted to be in the Navy. She knew I was interested in going in the Navy after I decided studying law wasn't for me. That in no way was a betrayal. If anything, I was betrayed here, and I'm being betrayed now.

 

And she may be better off with someone who wants to be with her every day. Again, that's not anything wrong about your career dreams or her needs, it just means what you both want out of life might not match up.

 

Yea I don't care who she ends up with. She'll end up cheating on them anyway when they're not there 24/7 to tend to her "needs." I'm sorry but my niceness has been taken for granted and therefore it is gone. If she wants to be negative then she can do it while I'm gone. I won't deal with this anymore, it's too much.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I don't have a mean streak. On a normal day, I'm quite calm to be around

 

Really, this is from your opening post:

 

"I flipped out and destroyed half the house. As a result, I was arrested and held for a while, slapped with a minor charge and court ordered to take anger management classes."

 

Now I understand that hearing that she cheated on you was a serious blow but there are other ways to react than destroying half the house. This shows that you have anger issues.

[PinkInTheLimo]

if you haven't read my other post, I am separating from her. It is obvious that our relationship is over from the discussion we had today.

 

I don't see such a post.

 

I took this job because I simply want to work. To have a career. A job, instead of wasting my time being a stay at home husband.

 

This is not just a job. This is a job which means that you are away from your wife for long periods. Not just a week or a month.

[PinkInTheLimo]

No I gave it all I got and I got disrespected for it. I served my country, I got disrespected for it. I took up another job, I got belittled for it. No way will I continue to be in this marriage.

 

You really don't get it do you? Your wife does not give a damn if you serve your country if that means that she never sees you.

The respect you ask for should not come from your wife but from the people you work for.

 

Your wife wants LOVE from you and I don't think that you know what loving someone means. Yeah, you are saying you love your wife but at the same time there is so much negativity towards her.

[Magnaus]

Really, this is from your opening post:

 

"I flipped out and destroyed half the house. As a result, I was arrested and held for a while, slapped with a minor charge and court ordered to take anger management classes."

 

Now I understand that hearing that she cheated on you was a serious blow but there are other ways to react than destroying half the house. This shows that you have anger issues.

 

And if you bothered to read like I previously suggested, you'd see that I took anger management classes.

[Magnaus]

I don't see such a post.

 

Well it seems that is your problem now, right?

 

This is not just a job. This is a job which means that you are away from your wife for long periods. Not just a week or a month.

 

And it's good for both of us. I'm glad I'm going to be away.

[Magnaus]

You really don't get it do you? Your wife does not give a damn if you serve your country if that means that she never sees you.

 

Oh no I get it, now. She never has gave a damn about what I did, she only cares for herself.

 

The respect you ask for should not come from your wife but from the people you work for.

 

The respect I demand should also come from my wife and since I'm not being respected, there's no point in being with her anymore.

 

Your wife wants LOVE from you and I don't think that you know what loving someone means. Yeah, you are saying you love your wife but at the same time there is so much negativity towards her.

 

Sorry but if anyone doesn't know what love is, it is you with your negative posts. Just because she doesn't care about what I did and am doing now doesn't mean I never showed any love for her. How about you come into my shoes for a minute and see how I'm treated before making blanket judgements.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Magnaus, you can dismiss my opinion as much as you like. I think me and a number of other women are trying to make you see your wife's point of view. In vain.

The key is that your wife did not feel loved by you. Period. Now you can keep blaming her and feel entitled and only care about your pride. But that won't bring you any closer to her feeling that you love her. As a matter of fact you are doing everything possible to sabotage your marriage. No wonder your wife has said some mean things after she found out you are leaving her again (after her efforts to amend things).

 

I don't think your wife did not love you because why would she otherwise have tried to contact you after you destroyed half of your home?

 

If you don't change your attitude of focusing on all the things you feel entitled to your next partners might also cheat on you.

 

And now I will stop contributing because it just does not enter your head so it's a waste of my time and energy.

Edited April 2, 2012 by PinkInTheLimo

[analystfromhell]

If you are going to separate- don't just separate, file for divorce and do it straight away and try for uncontested. You are under 10 years so you'll get a much better financial deal than you will if you kids get involved and/or you two have great financial involvement with one another. While you are still officially unemployed it's likely you'll be able to just walk away- get a well paying job and the situation is less clear.

[maybealone]

Right but that doesn't justify sleeping with someone I thought was my friend for a year.

 

It doesn't justify her sleeping with anyone, friend or not.

 

R And it's not like I woke up one day and said that I wanted to be in the Navy. She knew I was interested in going in the Navy after I decided studying law wasn't for me.

 

But if I understand the timeline correctly, that was after you got married. That's my point. She didn't marry a Navy man, she didn't marry a man who wanted to work in a different country. You changed the game plan on her. She went from being married to a man with a job, to a law student, to an enlisted man, to a man who is going to work in another country. From her point of view, it probably looks like she is supposed to rearrange her whole life every few years when you change your mind about what you want to do with yours.

 

How she responded to these changes was wrong (and I mean both the cheating and the belittling), but that doesn't change the fact that while you want the kind of job you want, she also wants the kind of marriage she wants.

[Kitsune77]

i'm so sorry you went through this....an affair with a trusted friend is so hard...double betrayal. The fact she confessed so quickly to my mind means she felt awful, wanted to make it right.....maybe a bad move.

 

it could have happened though as they bonded over you/ I know you don't think this way, and I'm not excusing it, but 2 people loving and bonding with concern over the same person is a powerful draw card..Has she said why she did it, what she felt was missing? have you spoken to your friend? (ex friend, I gather)

 

can you look at the relationship without the affair, and see if you want to be in it..again, i know its hard.

 

i also work with PM, and defense, and it brings its own share of problems to a marriage.

 

good luck, my thoughts are with you.

 

 

Bear with me here. I've never shared this with anyone. Not even my family. First let me start off with a short introduction. Been married to my wife for 5 years, together for 6, with no children. Life has blessed us well and all that good stuff. She got her dream job after college and I went off to study law, but the call of duty sounded my ears and I signed up, and was deployed for 2 years back in 2009. It was hard for me not being there every day but we talked when we could, and I missed her a lot. Definitely one of the most difficult years of my life. Got an honorable discharge, came home and was excited to see her.

 

When I got home we had incredible sex of course. Hung out with each other late at night. The second day I was home and we were eating breakfast she confessed that she had affair with my (former) best friend for a whole year. I flipped out and destroyed half the house. As a result, I was arrested and held for a while, slapped with a minor charge and court ordered to take anger management classes. Luckily I was allowed to go home, but I decided to separate from her for 3 months. During the time both him and her called me a lot but I wished to speak to none of them. After separation we talked and "made up," and I ended up going back home.

 

We went to marital counseling for 2 months and I was not really satisfied with it, but stuck to it because I still loved her. She has made a lot of changes since this whole ordeal, I'll give her that, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. Everything feels out of place, like it doesn't belong.

 

And to top it off I was contacted by a reputable private security firm last Friday, and I have until Thursday to respond on whether I want to accept a position they're offering. The pay is really well and I get to train and meet with other operators from around the world. The only drawback is that I will most likely have to relocate, since it's not based in the U.S., and I honestly don't want to have to spend a lot of money traveling and worrying if my wife is going to cheat on me or not since I will be gone for a very long time. She's changed a lot but I think I would be a fool to say that I have the same level of trust I had with her years ago.

 

Basically what I'm saying is, I don't think I want to be married to my wife anymore. I feel like I've been dragged down by this marriage and I've been unemployed ever since I was discharged, and I've only worked a few part-time jobs. I feel like this proposition could help reboot my career and at the same time I can do what I always liked doing. My wife knows I'm seriously considering this and I don't think she's too happy about it. Would I be wrong for taking this job and leaving her? Part of me wants to and part of me doesn't.

 

I'm sorry if I'm ranting too much. I just needed to get this off my chest.

[Kitsune77]

Just read through you other threads, and see you have decided to separate.....maybe its for , as another poster said, you seem to have differant life paths.

 

And quite frankly, i find it amazing that women married to military, or guys who go on to private military, have no understanding of what their men are going through...mind you, you guys also do not discuss what you have been through.

 

ickly to my mind means she felt awful, wanted to make it right.....maybe a bad move.

 

it could have happened though as they bonded over you/ I know you don't think this way, and I'm not excusing it, but 2 people loving and bonding with concern over the same person is a powerful draw card..Has she said why she did it, what she felt was missing? have you spoken to your friend? (ex friend, I gather)

 

can you look at the relationship without the affair, and see if you want to be in it..again, i know its hard.

 

i also work with PM, and defense, and it brings its own share of problems to a marriage.

 

good luck, my thoughts are with you.

[frozensprouts]

magnus,

i'm sorry you are hurting and you feel disrespected...it really sucks to feel that way

 

i'm not excusing your wife's actions... she should NEVER have cheated on you, and you two are probably better off apart...but for the future, it may help to understand that for a wife ( or husband) married to a military member ( or paramilitary, as in your case)...the miltary can take away the best part of their spouse an extract a huge toll that the member may not realize...your wife was probably not cut out for that type of marriage...some women/men aren't....

myself, I am...I've been alone before and I'm used to it...funny thing is, my husband wasn't really cut out to be a military spouse ( and he's the one who's a soldier:laugh:), and he's the one who cheated on me...it took a lot of work to recover from that, and it a common story here...a lot of military guys get married really young, before they really know what being in the military will mean for them and their marriage...it's a real test, and alot of marriages just don't make t

[The Blue Knight]

I just have to interject here and say some people, like me, have no particular awe of the military. You went into it because you wanted to. It's a job that could get you killed and it's an unnecessary risk. I'd even say an irresponsible risk for a family man to voluntarily take. And one that would definitely leave me feeling you loved something about navy life more than me. I don't want to offend you but you should know not everyone sees it the way you do and that doesn't mean they are unAmerican.

 

It would be different if there was a world war or war on US soil perhaps but that's how I feel. Call it selfish but I don't want a dead husband or one I don't see for months at a time. I don't think that's too much to ask.

 

So really id have left you when you joined up probably. Buy no I wouldn't have had an affair. There's no excuse for that but there might be explanations.

 

It's not a matter of being in awe of the military BW. But people should darn well respect those who go in. It's those guys who keep your freedom to sound off on a forum like this protected. Be thankful that there are those out there who are willing to do it, or we'd be in a lot of trouble.

 

With that said, I stated this before, but the military is an awful place to be married, unless you have a way to stay together, and that's very tough to do unless you're stateside in an office job 8am to 5pm, M-F like a recruiter. I've worked in law enforcement for a number of years, and just the shift change difference and added stress can play havoc on a marriage. So you can imagine what being away from your wife / family for long periods will do in a job like the military which has considerable stress as well.

 

I get the feeling Mr. Magnus has made up his mind at this point. There's no sense in ridiculing him. His desire is to take this job and move forward. I'm not sure that's what I'd do if I was trying to save my marriage, but then again, I think he's moved past that point by now. Let the man proceed as he wishes.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I just have to interject here and say some people, like me, have no particular awe of the military. You went into it because you wanted to. It's a job that could get you killed and it's an unnecessary risk. I'd even say an irresponsible risk for a family man to voluntarily take. And one that would definitely leave me feeling you loved something about navy life more than me. I don't want to offend you but you should know not everyone sees it the way you do and that doesn't mean they are unAmerican.

 

It would be different if there was a world war or war on US soil perhaps but that's how I feel. Call it selfish but I don't want a dead husband or one I don't see for months at a time. I don't think that's too much to ask.

 

So really id have left you when you joined up probably. Buy no I wouldn't have had an affair. There's no excuse for that but there might be explanations.

 

I totally agree with this post.

[Magnaus]

Magnaus, you can dismiss my opinion as much as you like. I think me and a number of other women are trying to make you see your wife's point of view. In vain.

The key is that your wife did not feel loved by you. Period. Now you can keep blaming her and feel entitled and only care about your pride. But that won't bring you any closer to her feeling that you love her. As a matter of fact you are doing everything possible to sabotage your marriage. No wonder your wife has said some mean things after she found out you are leaving her again (after her efforts to amend things).

 

I don't think your wife did not love you because why would she otherwise have tried to contact you after you destroyed half of your home?

 

If you don't change your attitude of focusing on all the things you feel entitled to your next partners might also cheat on you.

 

And now I will stop contributing because it just does not enter your head so it's a waste of my time and energy.

 

Good please because your posts are clearly unhelpful after I've repeatedly said so.

[Magnaus]

If you are going to separate- don't just separate, file for divorce and do it straight away and try for uncontested. You are under 10 years so you'll get a much better financial deal than you will if you kids get involved and/or you two have great financial involvement with one another. While you are still officially unemployed it's likely you'll be able to just walk away- get a well paying job and the situation is less clear.

 

Thanks analyst. I will do that.