Maybe it's not working out

[Magnaus]

It doesn't justify her sleeping with anyone, friend or not.

 

 

 

But if I understand the timeline correctly, that was after you got married. That's my point. She didn't marry a Navy man, she didn't marry a man who wanted to work in a different country. You changed the game plan on her. She went from being married to a man with a job, to a law student, to an enlisted man, to a man who is going to work in another country. From her point of view, it probably looks like she is supposed to rearrange her whole life every few years when you change your mind about what you want to do with yours.

 

How she responded to these changes was wrong (and I mean both the cheating and the belittling), but that doesn't change the fact that while you want the kind of job you want, she also wants the kind of marriage she wants.

 

And I didn't marry a cheating wife yet I'm forced to suck it up and accept that it happened every day.

 

I did my duty and I got burned for it. That's the definition of betrayal. I paid attention to her feelings yet I barely received any for mine.

 

And again I was unemployed and tried to find a job. This was an offer that came to me, I didn't look for it so I don't get how you can say I was so undecided about what I wanted to do professionally. So what if I switched from law to Navy? People switch all the time, it's normal. Every military wife does not look at their husband being enlisted like a betrayal and only selfish women like my own wife would think that way.

[Magnaus]

i'm so sorry you went through this....an affair with a trusted friend is so hard...double betrayal. The fact she confessed so quickly to my mind means she felt awful, wanted to make it right.....maybe a bad move.

 

it could have happened though as they bonded over you/ I know you don't think this way, and I'm not excusing it, but 2 people loving and bonding with concern over the same person is a powerful draw card..Has she said why she did it, what she felt was missing? have you spoken to your friend? (ex friend, I gather)

 

can you look at the relationship without the affair, and see if you want to be in it..again, i know its hard.

 

i also work with PM, and defense, and it brings its own share of problems to a marriage.

 

good luck, my thoughts are with you.

 

She did tell our counselor that's how the affair started. She was worried, etc.

 

I spoke to him once but it was only for a couple seconds. I called him to let him know that I knew the truth and that I was done with him. That's it.

[Magnaus]

I just have to interject here and say some people, like me, have no particular awe of the military. You went into it because you wanted to. It's a job that could get you killed and it's an unnecessary risk. I'd even say an irresponsible risk for a family man to voluntarily take. And one that would definitely leave me feeling you loved something about navy life more than me. I don't want to offend you but you should know not everyone sees it the way you do and that doesn't mean they are unAmerican.

 

It would be different if there was a world war or war on US soil perhaps but that's how I feel. Call it selfish but I don't want a dead husband or one I don't see for months at a time. I don't think that's too much to ask.

 

So really id have left you when you joined up probably. Buy no I wouldn't have had an affair. There's no excuse for that but there might be explanations.

 

Okay it's obvious you have some bias against the military, that's your opinion, but I didn't sign up for the reasons you're implying. And it's not irresponsible for a married man to enlist just because you personally don't like it. I took up the mantle, did what I was supposed to do and came back home safely and in one piece might I add. I don't regret it.

[Magnaus]

magnus,

i'm sorry you are hurting and you feel disrespected...it really sucks to feel that way

 

i'm not excusing your wife's actions... she should NEVER have cheated on you, and you two are probably better off apart...but for the future, it may help to understand that for a wife ( or husband) married to a military member ( or paramilitary, as in your case)...the miltary can take away the best part of their spouse an extract a huge toll that the member may not realize...your wife was probably not cut out for that type of marriage...some women/men aren't....

myself, I am...I've been alone before and I'm used to it...funny thing is, my husband wasn't really cut out to be a military spouse ( and he's the one who's a soldier:laugh:), and he's the one who cheated on me...it took a lot of work to recover from that, and it a common story here...a lot of military guys get married really young, before they really know what being in the military will mean for them and their marriage...it's a real test, and alot of marriages just don't make t

 

Well despite our failed marriage, it has been another eye opener in my book. Hopefully I won't make the same mistake again.

[frozensprouts]

Well despite our failed marriage, it has been another eye opener in my book. Hopefully I won't make the same mistake again.

 

makes sense...

 

sometimes the best thing to do is to learn from mistakes and move on...

 

best of luck to you, and I hope that some day you'll find a wife who's right for you:)

[Magnaus]

It's not a matter of being in awe of the military BW. But people should darn well respect those who go in. It's those guys who keep your freedom to sound off on a forum like this protected. Be thankful that there are those out there who are willing to do it, or we'd be in a lot of trouble.

 

With that said, I stated this before, but the military is an awful place to be married, unless you have a way to stay together, and that's very tough to do unless you're stateside in an office job 8am to 5pm, M-F like a recruiter. I've worked in law enforcement for a number of years, and just the shift change difference and added stress can play havoc on a marriage. So you can imagine what being away from your wife / family for long periods will do in a job like the military which has considerable stress as well.

 

I get the feeling Mr. Magnus has made up his mind at this point. There's no sense in ridiculing him. His desire is to take this job and move forward. I'm not sure that's what I'd do if I was trying to save my marriage, but then again, I think he's moved past that point by now. Let the man proceed as he wishes.

 

Oh no it's fine. It's just Pink's posts that are overly rude.

[Magnaus]

makes sense...

 

sometimes the best thing to do is to learn from mistakes and move on...

 

best of luck to you, and I hope that some day you'll find a wife who's right for you:)

 

Thank you frozen.

[The Blue Knight]

Oh no it's fine. It's just Pink's posts that are overly rude.

 

 

Pink is actually good people Magnaus. She was a big help for me, as was Frozen and xxoo.

[standtall]

It's not a matter of being in awe of the military BW. But people should darn well respect those who go in. It's those guys who keep your freedom to sound off on a forum like this protected. Be thankful that there are those out there who are willing to do it, or we'd be in a lot of trouble.

 

 

I respect those that were drafted, and went in against their wishes in days gone past. That was answering to the "call of duty"...ie they were called up.. Today it is an all volunteer military that is stocked mainly with people that want some help paying for college and those that have no direction after high school. I know because I spent 6 yrs in the US Navy and didn't run into a single person that did it to protect our freedom or some other fancy sound bite reason. I take issue with that statement as I will respect those that I choose, not who I am told to.

[frozensprouts]

I respect those that were drafted, and went in against their wishes in days gone past. That was answering to the "call of duty"...ie they were called up.. Today it is an all volunteer military that is stocked mainly with people that want some help paying for college and those that have no direction after high school. I know because I spent 6 yrs in the US Navy and didn't run into a single person that did it to protect our freedom or some other fancy sound bite reason. I take issue with that statement as I will respect those that I choose, not who I am told to.

 

 

my husband's military, and we live on base in a PMQ so I am surrounded my military people all day...

while I certainly respect their dedication to service, I have to say that a blanket respect for all military members from me isn't going to happen anytime soon...

Military members are like any other group...most of them are decent, hardworking people, but a few are, well, not so wonderful. I know of some that are pretty bad, and some that are downright odd. ( heck, the woman my husband cheated with is military, and she is a serial "other woman" with some pretty deep seated issues)...

 

I also know of a few ( especially one) who is retired now, and who likes to say " I fought for my county" or "I fought for your freedom", but to him, freedom means you're free to agree with him and his opinions, and, if you don't, you face ridicule ( he has a real issue with the police, for some reason that i can't fathom...his blogs about " our freedoms" pretty much revolve around making fun of the police and promoting gun ownership and insulting anyone who doesn't agree with him, from politicians to children:laugh:...it would be funny if it wasn't so weird)

 

again, most military people ae pretty decent, but like any other large group, you're going to get all kinds of people- ranging from great to just plain awful....

[standtall]

I also know of a few ( especially one) who is retired now, and who likes to say " I fought for my county" or "I fought for your freedom", but to him, freedom means you're free to agree with him and his opinions, and, if you don't, you face ridicule

 

I find that common with a lot of strong willed patriots...freedom is freedom of speech until you offend them.

[Magnaus]

Pink is actually good people Magnaus. She was a big help for me, as was Frozen and xxoo.

 

Well not to me, but it's all good though. I got what I came here for.

[veggirl]

What your wife did is disgusting and unforgivable. Good for you for getting out.

Edited April 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Unnecessary and personal

[Magnaus]

What your wife did is disgusting and unforgivable. Good for you for getting out.

 

Thanks Veggirl, I must agree there.

Edited April 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote

[Magnaus]

Sorry but you are sooooio kidding yourself if you think our freedoms are protected by the military at any time recently. They're protected by customs and political choices. No military action since 1945 has protected freedom and a lot has contributed to our lack of security and freedom.

 

That said I admire the wives who knowing they'll raise kids alone and maybe be widowed still stick around. I agree with you military life is tough on marriages. And this wife didn't even get a day, she married a different man.

 

Totally agree he's done. And they are probably better off, and I'll never defend an affair. No one is saying otherwise. Hopefully though he wont just expect a woman to worship him because of his job next time, or he'll find one who wants to. While I find her affair indefensible I still cannot believe his arrogance about a job that entails unnecessary risk and long absences. Who would want to marry a man who was often absent and at high risk of death? I would leave if my H joined up. Seriously. I didn't sign up for that. And I don't buy that it's such a vital job either frankly.

 

Wrong again Brighter. I never expected my wife to worship me, all I wanted was some respect from her, and I really didn't even get that.

 

I won't get into a political debate with you about the military as it seems you obviously have absolutely no idea what it feels like, and are only here to use my situation as a basis for your politically driven rants. Take it up with the SecDef if you have a complaint, not me.

[Magnaus]

So???

 

Does that make their commitment or their effort serving our country ANY LESS important because they weren't drafted or because they didn't do it for some altruistic reason? No, it does NOT.

 

Magnaus, thank you for your service to our country, number one.

 

Number two, I think you're a smart man to rid yourself of your wife and so-called friend. The two of them are repulsive.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thanks. I understand their frustrations, but it seems they're using me as their personal punching bags because they have some hardship with the way our forces are operating today.

[beenburned]

Magnaus,

 

I was in high school during the Vietnam war, and clearly remember the draft and all the controversy surrounding it.

 

I personally respect any person that serves in the military, no matter what the reason they joined. I am appalled at some of the posts here!

 

My son served 4 years in the Navy. Although he decided not to make it a long term career, he benefited greatly from the disciplined way of life and the training he received.(aviation electronics)

 

He is now utilizing his knowledge of electronics to repair medical equipment in hospitals.(bio electronics)

 

I wish you well as you embark on your new career!

 

I hope you have decided to file for divorce, as your wife sounds like she has many issues.

[Magnaus]

Magnaus,

 

I was in high school during the Vietnam war, and clearly remember the draft and all the controversy surrounding it.

 

I personally respect any person that serves in the military, no matter what the reason they joined. I am appalled at some of the posts here!

 

My son served 4 years in the Navy. Although he decided not to make it a long term career, he benefited greatly from the disciplined way of life and the training he received.(aviation electronics)

 

He is now utilizing his knowledge of electronics to repair medical equipment in hospitals.(bio electronics)

 

I wish you well as you embark on your new career!

 

I hope you have decided to file for divorce, as your wife sounds like she has many issues.

 

That's good for your son. The discipline is a good way to think outside of the box. I think a lot of people who have no experience with the military automatically classify it as one wasteful battalion and that's not true.

 

I left home on Thursday. Told her I had filed among other things. She didn't say anything but we hugged and then I took my 8 hour flight to the U.K. It's really nice out here. Got a chance to wind down and relax with a few other operators. Training starts soon.

[coffeecat]

The fact that you are seriously considering it, is your answer. You have no children. Just break it off clean and give both of you a chance to learn from the past and start fresh with someone else.

[beenburned]

I wish you well!

 

Keep us updated.

[Magnaus]

Thanks guys. I'll make sure I do.