My Mexican husband treats me like crap... What should I do?

[almostANangel]

My Mexican husband treats me like I am less than him. I am from the US and don't know if is a cultural thing or what. He orders me like a maid, he calls me a whore, he tells me I'm stupid.

 

Before we were married, he was the sweetest, most sensitive guy that I had ever met (that was straight). He used to tell me how much more he would love me when we had kids. Now we have a son and he is so much more mean to me.

 

I have completely changed my life around to make him happy. I no longer use drugs, I no longer have friends (because he gets jealous), I no longer paint (because he thinks it is stupid). I spend all day taking care of our son, cleaning house, cooking dinner and lunch for my husband. I only cook Mexican food, because he doesn't like anything else. I studied a book about Spanish, and am now fluent.

 

I just want to know how I can make him treat me better. I feel like the more effort I make to make him happy, the worse he treats me. I really would like to raise my son in a united family situation, but I also want him to learn to respect women. What should I do?

[Pyrannaste]

I'd say leave this guy, but I don't think it's the kind of advice you wished to hear. But *please* consider this option if nothing else will work.

 

I just want to know how I can make him treat me better. I feel like the more effort I make to make him happy, the worse he treats me. I really would like to raise my son in a united family situation, but I also want him to learn to respect women. What should I do?

 

Only way that could perhaps work is stop allowing him to treat you badly.

Stop putting effort into making him happy. Stop caring about *how* he is feeling, concentrate on how *you*are feeling. Stop trying to please him, making his life happy: concentrate on yourself, on your life. Try to make yourself happy.

 

You didn't mention if you are currently living in the US or in Mexico.

Do you live near to your family/friends that could support you? do you have anyone you can turn to for support/help?

If you live in the US, consider having him go into counseling.

 

Don't allow your husband to insult you, mistreat you.

It is good that you stopped using drugs, but you should get back in contact with your friends. You *should* have friends. Does he get jealous of *female* friends?

Sounds like he has huge control problems.

What do you usually do when he calls you names? Do you say anything back? Do you tell him to stop, that he is offending you? do you leave the room?

 

 

You should also try to get a job -even a part time job that could grant you some independency (from your post I assumed you do the house work and care about the kid. Don't get me wrong, it is a job too, tiring and difficult.).

[FolderWife]

If you find out, let me know! My husband was sweet and wonderful when we dated too. Now, he bosses me around. If I dont' do what he says, he gets mad. If I ask him to do something, he usually says no. Sometimes he'll do it for me, but most of the time, I get turned down for whatever I ask him to do.

 

It's unfair! I call him on it, but he doesn't see it! He thinks our marriage is 50/50. He won't hear me when I tell him it's totally one sided in his favore.

 

He shouldn't call you names. My husband calls me stupid all the time. I told him to stop it, and he said he would try. Yesterday, he blew up and called me stupid again. I call him stupid, and he couldn't care less. Maybe name calling isn't as big of a deal to our husbands as it is to us.

 

Your story sounds horrible. Living in it myself, however, it doesn't seem as horrible as it sounds.

 

What is up with that!?

 

Are you willing to divorce? I'm not willing to leave my husband, so divorcing isn't the kind of advice I look for.

[simplybrill]

Why arent you willing to divorce Monday? Why would you rather stay in such a toxic situation?

 

I would say get out while you can, because staying in that situation only tells your son that this behavior is acceptable, because it is beyond disrespectful in a marriage for him to treat you like this.

 

Also, this is a negative environment for both you and your child. You're not an idiot, because you know this is wrong. You dont want this man to start calling your son stupid- because the daily verbal abuse will eat away his self esteem. From someone that grew up in an environment just like this, please get out, it will be the best thing for your son.

 

Better to have no man around, than the WRONG one.

 

Its not an accepted cultural thing, because I am not Mexican, but I am Latino/Latina and people in the community do not approve of this behavior at all. Like in any race and culture, there are idiots, he just happens to be one of those idiots.

[rebelbichoice]

Can we say D-I-V-O-R-C-E!!

 

Why on earth would you want to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship?!?! Do you not feel that your worthy of better?? I understand you have a child with this man..child or no child you don't deserve to be treated this way. There comes a point in ones life when you realize enough is enough..I just hope that you don't wait until it's to late and he really starts getting out of hand. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh..but i've been in an emotionally and eventually physically abusive marriage with a controlling husband whom I had children...It wasn't easy..but I left with my children..and now i'm married to a wonderful man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated!

[soon2bmommy]

I disagree with divorce right off the bat! I mean I've been going through some things with my husband but when we got married we decided not to allow ourselves to be some of the statists and really work and fight for our love. BUT!!I dont think its this way for everyone and divorce might be the answer, but you have to examine your marriage and find out how much youre willing to put in as well as him, does he show an effort of making something work out? If not you need to leave him, to let him know "Hey buddy this is it, I'm walking out the door because I dont feel treated as an equal partner in this relationship." (or kick him out) If he figures hey she might just leave me and decides to work it out, you must seek counseling so he can learn how to treat you, and open up.

AN ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR IS NOT TOLERABLE AT ALL, SEEK HELP! IF YOU ATTENT A CHURCH TRY TO FIND SOME COUNSELING THERE, HELP IS OUT THERE IF YOU BOTH ARE WILLING TO WORK FOR IT

 

*Karen*

[Jacksin]

It astounds me that women such as simplybrill and Monday continue to suffer at the hands of their husbands who obviously dont love them anymore by the way they treat them.

 

Why do these women remain in a loveless marriage?

Is it because ---

they are simply frightened to leave because they fear they might be beaten, followed, stalked etc ?

OR are they staying so the kids can see just how badly one person can be treated by another?

OR are they staying because of the good sex after making up?

OR are they simply so unattractive they will not catch they eye of another man?

OR are they simply hanging in there for the money?

 

Jack

[SingleInTheCity]

What do you want to do ? Do you want to stay married to your husband? Or do you need help getting out of your situation?

[almostANangel]

The truth is, I would like to leave him but I am currently working on paying off some minor debts and am returning to college in the fall. And I guess the main reason that I haven't left yet is a combination of hope that someday he will be like he was in the begining and fear that if I do tell him to leave, he will take off with our son to Mexico.

 

I have thought about marriage counseling, but 1. my husband wouldn't go and 2 he doesn't speak english which makes it hard (and expensive) to find a bilingual psychologist.

 

And Jacksin, if you are so bored with my problems, why do you bother to read them???

 

For the rest of you who have genuinely tried to help, thank you for letting me vent.

[miz_barby]

Okay

1) I think MOST mexican guys become this way for fear of losing us! They think if they keep us under lock & key that we won't go anywhere but they don't realize how painful they treat us and how their jealousy makes us hurt worse!

 

2) Him not speaking english (I have the EXACT same situation he doesn't speak English and I've been fluent in spanish for a few years because my ex Husband was also from Mexico) I don't have kids with my ex or my current fiance) but it makes them insecure.

 

3) Obviously in mexico MOst of the women stay at home, take care of the house, man, kids, ect. They carry their beliefs over here with them...I mean why would they change them?

 

4) Most Mexican guys think when we have friends male or female that they will influence us to do something "wrong" and they feel they should be the only one's in our life.

 

My situation with my 1st (now ex husband) was that he was obessive, he hit me a lot, drank all the time, threatened to kill me and my Mom and sister if I left him, did all kinds of cruel things. Finally I got the courage and money to move with my family, leave, no contact, and now filling for a divorce.

I stayed single for a year or so getting my life back together and then about 15 months ago I met an awesome guy named Oscar who I've been with every since and though he is controlling he loves me, doesn't drink, doesn't hit, doesn't call me names, though he is JEALOUS if someone even glances my way! He knows I love him and would never cheat and likewise I know he wouldn't cheat. I don't go out with friends anymore or really talk to anyone except my family and here on this site online (which he has no idea about) and he likewise doesn't go out with friends or anything. We're together non stop except when he works and at times it gets old but I know that he is the one I want to be with so I've so chose to make the sacrafices in order to make my end of the relationship the best it can be and since he does the same I don't have a problem with it.

 

Basically I'm saying if you're not happy then you shouldn't stay you should let a lawyer know he's threatened to take your kid and run to mexico and distance yourself from him. But if you love him and he doesn't cheat or go out or drink all the time and you want to make your marriage work then you should work on it. Let him know you're tired of being called names, tell him what you've given up for him hope things get better.

 

There is nothing wrong with venting on here that's what the place is for!

Oh yeah..."puta, mala, estupida y piendeja" seems to be their favorite names! I know a lot of people don't see their "culture" as an excuse for their behavior and beliefs of how a woman should act and respect herself but to each's own if this type of life (you being at home while he works, ect) works for you then you should do it. Good luck!

[Jacksin]

It does become almost boring almostANangel when you put your education, and make other feeble excuses, ahead of you and your child's happiness. Just sit back and look at your problems from my side of the fence for a minute-

 

1 You have married a man who doesnt speak english so you have had to learn his language

2 He doesnt like all food so you cook only what he likes

3 He has isolated you from friends and your hobbies because of his jealousy

4 You hang in there hoping he will revert to the person he used to be and stop insulting and ridiculing you

5 He treats you worse than a maid, infact he treats you worse than a dog

6 He will not attend counseling

7 You say he may snatch your son and go to Mexico if you ask him to leave

 

Boy oh boy does he sound like some selfish piece of work! and unfortunately you sound like a door mat

 

You should grab your son, clean out the bank account and flee, because if you stay I dont think things will ever get better. The next step on this downward spiral is for him to start knocking you around.

 

NOW can you see the solution to your problems (and that of Mondays) are right there infront of you

 

Jack

[Pyrannaste]

Originally posted by almostANangel

And I guess the main reason that I haven't left yet is a combination of hope that someday he will be like he was in the begining and fear that if I do tell him to leave, he will take off with our son to Mexico.

 

It does not sound like it is possible that he'll ever be again like he was in the beginning. Expecially if you keep putting up with his behaviour.

And if he'll ever became again a nice guy like he was when you met him, you know that anyway it will be NOT like in the beginning....because since you have seen his true colors now, you'll know how abusive and jerkish he can become, you'll know he can *act* like a nice guy but he is not really, and you'll always be worried he'll start mistreating you again.

 

I like Jacksin's advice:

 

You should grab your son, clean out the bank account and flee, because if you stay I dont think things will ever get better. The next step on this downward spiral is for him to start knocking you around.

 

Since you live in the US and getting help is therefore easier, either leave him or seek help. Your family (which is guess is in the US) could perhaps support you/help you out. Get help from a support group, get legal help if there is need to. To exit this situation will be easier since you live in the US. Don't allow him to go on mistreating you, please.

[simplybrill]

Originally posted by Jacksin

It astounds me that women such as simplybrill and Monday continue to suffer at the hands of their husbands who obviously dont love them anymore by the way they treat them.

 

Why do these women remain in a loveless marriage?

Is it because ---

they are simply frightened to leave because they fear they might be beaten, followed, stalked etc ?

OR are they staying so the kids can see just how badly one person can be treated by another?

OR are they staying because of the good sex after making up?

OR are they simply so unattractive they will not catch they eye of another man?

OR are they simply hanging in there for the money?

 

Jack

 

 

JACKSIN........ I am NOT in an abusive relationship, im not married or even involved with anyone, IM SINGLE. get your facts straight or ask the person you're aiming them towards, before you make ridiculous posts that arent accurate!

[Jacksin]

Ooops to be honest I did get confused when scrolling back and forward reading almostANangel and Monday's postings and unfortunately attributed one of their posts to you.

I was wrong and I apologise. I should not be trying to watch football on TV while posting

Jack

[johnnyl321]

Try this one out on the Latino Lover you done went and hitched.

 

KICK HIM IN THE NUTS!!!!

 

No offense please, but for him to call you a "whore" not allow you to see your friends, says your hobby is "stupid". Hell, even this gringo knows where that line is drawn.

 

The reason he does all this b.s. to you is because:He can. You let him.

 

I don't know what your local laws are. I think Texas has a clause for murder. I believe it's "He needed killin'".

 

Don't let yourself be a victim. Stand up for yourself. Plant your feet firmly on the ground.

 

 

And then, plant them firmly in his "stugots"

I think you'll find, he'll get the idea.

 

best of luck darlin.

[average guy]

Originally posted by almostANangel

I really would like to raise my son in a united family situation, but I also want him to learn to respect women.

 

My father beat and cheated on my mother daily. It taught me to respect women because I wanted to be (and am now) the opposite of him. However, this is no way for children to learn. You are much better off to leave this loser and teach your son these things yourself in a healthy environment as a single mother.

 

Good luck

[almostANangel]

Thanks Johnny, I just laughed for the first time in weeks! Last night he went over to his brother's house for a "haircut" and never came home. I went over there at 5 this morning and he was still up drinking and couldn't understand why I was p*ssed off. I told him not to bother coming home. And so far he hasn't. When he finally does come, I hope that I have the strength to tell him to pack is stuff. And I hope he will be reasonable and go quietly.

 

Thank you all so much for support in this situation.

[miz_barby]

Good luck and since he is obviously an alcoholic you should leave him!

[almostANangel]

It is ironic that some people better themselves after traumatic situations. My husband has an alcoholic father that also was abusive to him and his mother. But he chose to go the other route and became the same as his father.