Wife gave me ultimatum on children!

[SF33M]

I am a 34 yr old M that has been married to my wife for almost 4 years. She is almost 31. We have been mostly happy for the last few years. About 2 years ago I thought we were ready for children so we tried for about a year. No luck. During that time, my stress level with losing a job, trying to build an addition to our home, going back to school, etc. has put me into a level of anxiety and possible depression that I am having a hard time dealing with. I told my wife that I needed time to try and get help counseling, etc. before trying again to have children.

 

I am still struggling but feel like I am making some progress and this past weekend, she told me that if we did not start trying again despite my problems, she wants a divorce. She told me the same thing 6 mos ago and believes that everything in the relationship is always about me. She feels it is unfair for me to make the decision on when she can have a baby or not.

 

I am not trying to do that, however, I just feel like the stress of bringing a child into the world at this time would be too much right now. Am I being too selfish? Life feels so difficult right now even without a child. The fact my wife is demanding this now even know she is very aware of my health problems is making me resent her terribly. I almost feel like leaving just because of the ultimatum. I am angry that she has done this and do not know what to do. I asked her for counseling and she doesn't think that will help anything. What should I do? I need some advice and am really hurting inside.

 

SF

[faux]

Originally posted by SF33M

I am still struggling but feel like I am making some progress and this past weekend, she told me that if we did not start trying again despite my problems, she wants a divorce. She told me the same thing 6 mos ago and believes that everything in the relationship is always about me. She feels it is unfair for me to make the decision on when she can have a baby or not.

 

I am not trying to do that, however, I just feel like the stress of bringing a child into the world at this time would be too much right now. Am I being too selfish? Life feels so difficult right now even without a child. The fact my wife is demanding this now even know she is very aware of my health problems is making me resent her terribly. I almost feel like leaving just because of the ultimatum. I am angry that she has done this and do not know what to do. I asked her for counseling and she doesn't think that will help anything. What should I do? I need some advice and am really hurting inside.

 

SF

 

I do not think that you are being selfish at all. If you are going to prepare to have children, you are going to have to have your life together and be at a very comfortable state I would imagine. You will have to be there for your wife, and I believe you would also have to do quite a few other things. Having a child is not simply you doing your thing, and then sitting back. This involves you, too. If you are not comfortable with going ahead with this at the present I think it is good for you to wait.

 

Pregnancy in itself will be stressful for not only your wife, but you as well. If things are going badly for you now, they may get worse as the baby's due date would approach. My opinion is that her ultimatum is not very fair to you at all, as I feel she should respect your well being and your needs. It is fine for her to be frustrated, but her methods of dealing with this situation certainly are not helping you.

 

Perhaps if you explained things to your wife again, and assured her that you do indeed want children with her, she might be a bit more understanding. If you go ahead with your therapy, perhaps including her on some of your visits would be wise, as she could see your progress and hear from a qualified professional what is best for you at this time in life. Focus on getting yourself into a better state, and hopefully she will realize that under these circumstances it is a very good thing for you to be preoccupied with yourself.

 

I hope your wife will be more supportive and understanding, and that your counseling will go well. If she wishes to have a divorce, that is her decision. Right now I think that your ideas on how to approach this situation are correct, and I wish you the best of luck.

[supermom]

I think your wife is being the selfish one, not you. Why does she think divorce is the other option if you don't get her preg NOW?

 

I do not think that you are being selfish at all. If you are going to prepare to have children, you are going to have to have your life together and be at a very comfortable state I would imagine. You will have to be there for your wife, and I believe you would also have to do quite a few other things. Having a child is not simply you doing your thing, and then sitting back. This involves you, too. If you are not comfortable with going ahead with this at the present I think it is good for you to wait.

 

I agree with what faux said. Also, you want to bring a child into this world in a more stable marriage. WTF is your wife's rush? You will be the child's father, isn't she concerned with your well being too?

 

If she is willing to divorce you because of this then you deserve better, and a better person to have your children with.

 

Good luck. Maybe get a check up with a doctor to see if you are capable, and also go to counceling for your stress and depression.

 

Keep us posted!

[Matilda]

Believe you me, having children will only put more stress on you and your marriage. I don't think you're being selfish either. Children deserve to have parents who are emotionally prepared to have them.

 

I think you may have to give her an ulitmatum on marriage counseling.

[SF33M]

She thinks that I will never make a decision if she does not push me into it. I do admit I am a bit of a procrastinator and I do not have the need to always be "keeping up with the Jones's". Because of the timing, she feels that I am stopping her from having the one thing that she has always wanted and is most important to her...a family. I think she feels divorce is the other option so that she has waited long enough and her will to have a child is overpowering the love for me.

 

I am becoming so confused at the way she is treating this... like my health is secondary to her having a family, that I am having doubts that I even want to have children with her.

 

The more she pushes the farther away I feel. I am trying to hang in there to see if she will come around a bit and am going to invite her to my next counseling appt. to see if she will go.

[supermom]

I am becoming so confused at the way she is treating this... like my health is secondary to her having a family, that I am having doubts that I even want to have children with her.

 

The more she pushes the farther away I feel. I am trying to hang in there to see if she will come around a bit and am going to invite her to my next counseling appt. to see if she will go.

 

SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THIS! Before it is too late...

[mrs.sarah]

She is definately being the selfish one here. If you're having doubts or feel that you're not ready to have children, than don't. Make sure you tell her how you feel.

[Karlise13]

I don't think she is being fair to you.

 

Granted, some people are natural procrastinators. But bringing a child into the world is not a decision to be entered into lightly.

Too many people have kids just because 'that's what you're supposed to do' without putting thought into all the effort that goes into raising them.

 

Your wife needs to be realistic about where you are at in your life. She is not being supportive of your needs AT ALL.

[HokeyReligions]

She's 31 and you are 34. Now is the time to start that family. How many kids did you talk about having when you were first married?

 

There is an old saying that I think is pretty true: If everyone waited until they were ready to have kids, no one would have any.

 

Having said that, I'll add:

 

Threatening a divorce is a big red flag. Does she even love you enough to want to have children with you? Or doesn't she care who fathers the children? What about parenting decisions--have you discussed those? She wants the kids to go to one church, and you want them to go to another. What do you do? Your family tradition is to open x-mas gifts on x-mas eve. Her family opens them on x-mas day. What do you do? If she wants kids so bad, maybe you can open a dialogue with her with questions like this. I used those two examples because they sparked a couple of the biggest and longest-lasting arguments that my husband and I ever had. Sounds silly now, but it sure wasn't then.

 

Also, you are in counseling -- that is terrific! It's a positive step. Her attitude about it is another big red flag for me. Are you taking anything for depression? Sometimes those meds have sexual side-effects. Does she know this? If she doesn't want couple's counseling, how about family planning? Maybe she won't be so against that if she feels it is getting her closer to her own goals. From there you might be able to get into couples counseling together. Talk to your therapist about all of this. We are only getting your side of things here - I wonder what her opinion and her point of view of your marriage is really? Perhaps she is also depressed and should be seen by a medical doctor.

[SF33M]

When we first talked about it, we only wanted to have one. That has not changed as of today. She was an only child and thinks that is fine. That is one thing we agree on.

 

I do agree with the old saying, "If everyone waited until they were ready to have kids, no one would have any."

However, I feel myself becoming very distant from her because of this latest "threat" to do it now or else. This makes me feel like it could be anyone that she has a family with. She puts lots of timetables in her own head and I do not find out about them until they are up. It is like she new that "if he doesn't start by this date, I am going to give him an ultimatum". I spoke to her about our communication problems and she just says that since I am going through so much already that she thinks I can't handle anything else.

 

I am taking meds for it right now. Just started on Paxil and it has already shown some sexual side effects. Kind of ironic...what will she do now? Tell me she wants a divorce because I can't have a climax? Get off the Paxil or else?

All I know is this entire thing is just eating at me and it is only making me feel much worse. I just don't know what to do........

[Karlise13]

I have to disagree with the statement 'now is the time to have kids'

 

Surely, it is always a big leap and nobody is EVER completely prepared to have children

 

That said, however, having kids just because "I'm 34 and she's 31" is not a good enough reason.

 

Bringing children into a shaky marriage is unfair to both spouses and the child.

 

You can father children at age 36 and she can have them at age 33.

You are both young enough that taking a year to work through a few issues is very reasonable.

 

Yes, a woman's fertility does decline with age and she is right to be concerned. But it's not like you're in your forties!

 

Your marriage does not sound stable at this time and I think you're right to want to work on this

[SF33M]

Update:

 

How funny life can be when two people do not want to make a move. In trying to talk with my wife about the children thing....all of these other items are surfacing from her that I never really knew. She is very unhappy with our personal relationship and has been for some time (a couple years) She thinks I am not nice to her that often even though she does a lot for me. I am also a very selfish person, according to her.

 

It looks as if we have more to work on than previously thought. And to think she still wants a baby with me after telling me how unhappy she is with the way I am.

 

Knowing this, I have suggested that we go to counseling and we both have agreed to this. I will have to make the appointment, because she will not. I have had serious doubts about even considering a child in the near future out of fear that the counseling and "trying" to make things better will be a temporary fix. It is odd how two people that seemed so in love have to work so hard to enjoy simple things. I question myself, is it me, her or a combination of both?

[Jacksin]

Your last posting really said it all.

 

I would put the idea of having a baby on hold until you both get counseling. If your wife has been so unhappy for so long she owed it to you to say something before now. Having a baby will certainly not fix all.

 

I wont resort to calling her a selfish b**** because other posters have beaten me to it, but from what you say it seems your wife wants the baby to fulfill her needs irregardless of what you want, and Sunshine, you can go fly a kite.

Good Luck

Jack

[Azeele]

I've noticed that no one has taken her side in this, so I'll do it....

 

 

I'll give you some background on me so you'll know where I'm coming from....

 

Before my exH and I were married we talked about children (how many, when, etc.). We were both only children and decided that we would have more than one child if we could - we agreed. We wanted our children to have a sibling - something neither one of us ever had. As soon as we were married exH started right away wanting to get me pregnant but I wanted to wait so we waited two years to have our son.

 

About three years after he was born I started asking about having another - he would say "pressuring", I'm sure. Anyway, we argued and argued over it and one day he called me on the phone and said "I'm getting a vascectomy and I've contacted a lawyer. I want a divorce." Well, long story short, he didn't get the vascectomy and we reconciled and saw a counselor. The counselor took his side, btw. She said if I wanted to stay married I would need to give up any hopes of having another child. I decided to stay but was incredibly sad - depressed, really. I did love him but that thought that I'd never have another child caused me terrible grief - and horrible resentment towards him. If it was a medical condition that caused my infertility I might have had a better time dealing with it - but it was my husband that was causing it by refusing to have another child with me.

 

Well, six months later he again asked for a divorce and we divorced. The anger I felt towards him and the hurt he felt - said my desire to have another child made him feel like a "sperm donor" - but, I felt like his refusal to have another child with me was like a slap in the face and that he was renigging on our original "deal" to have more than one child. He said he loved me but didn't care if I was happy. I said I loved him but didn't care if he was happy.

 

It's a viscious cycle that goes nowhere. It's an issue you can't compromise on. I'll tell you some of the thoughts that were going on in my head at the time. Maybe that will give you some insight as to what your wife might be thinking.

 

I was thinking...

 

1. Ok. - I love him and want him to be happy. I'm 30 years old and he hasn't had the vas - yet - maybe we can work on our marriage, become closer and he'll change his mind eventually. ( I hope...I hope....I hope) Maybe once we rebuild our marriage then he'll want to have another child with me because he'll really love me again.

 

2. Maybe I really can squelch this desire for another child. Maybe I can stop crying every time I walk down the diaper aisle in the grocery store. Maybe one day I won't have to excuse myself from a room to cry whenever a relative asks "so, when are you having another?" Maybe one day I won't say - through clenched teeth - "go ask your father", when my son asks for a brother or sister. Maybe. Maybe if my H and become closer our love for each other will replace this desire for a child. Maybe

 

3. What if I stay and it doesn't work out? Every year I stay married to him my clock continues to tick....and - horrors of horrors - what if I stay for years - past menopause - and then he leaves??

 

4. Sure, he says he doesn't want another one but it's sooooo unfair. He has the rest of his life to change his mind. I have ten years left - at best - to have another child.

 

and the number one fear running through my head at the time....

 

5. I stay - past my childbearing years - and he leaves - finds a younger woman and has a child with her??

 

 

It may sound shallow - go ahead, slam me - but the desire to have a child can be a powerful driving force for a woman - and women don't have their entire lives to do it. I assure you, at 31 her bio clock is beginning to tick and she probably doesn't want to pressure you but she wants so much to have a baby. And having a child together is a loving thing to do - to bring a new life into the world together **sigh** No, you shouldn't bring a child into a troubled marriage but you may not have any marriage if she decides to follow through with her ulitmatum.

 

I know of a marriage that ended for the very same reason. She wanted children but he put her off and put her off until she decided he was never going to want children and she left. He never remarried and never had children. She eventually remarried and had kids and he has lived with that regret for the rest of his life. He's in his fifties now and he still kicks himself for letting that opportunity pass him by. Do you think when she looks at her children - and possibly grandchildren - she regrets not staying with the man who didn't want any?

 

Maybe your desire not to have children with her now is really the sign of a deeper issue. Maybe she isn't the one that you want to have children with??? If that's the case, then you should do the kind thing and let her go so she can have the family she wants. Just a thought. Maybe if you procrastinate long enough she'll be gone and you'll be free to date again. Maybe, subconsciously, that's what you really want.

 

What happened to me? you ask....well, I felt very sad at the demise of my marriage but also free because I knew that I had the hope - one day - of starting a new life - that (oh joy!!) - might include another child and a new family. ExH has since -after dating several - found a woman that doesn't want children or marriage. And I am getting married next month to a man that has never had children and shares my desire for a child.

[moimeme]

Maybe if my H and become closer our love for each other will replace this desire for a child.

 

This, plus all those worries about 'what if' you broke up were good reasons for you to do so. I have always thought that the parental relationship should come before the parent-child relationship in a marriage, and Dr. Phil seems to think so, too - he says stuff like the kids come into your relationship so they need to learn to accommodate that and that the decision to have children takes two 'yeses' but only one 'no'.

 

So if you are in a relationship you expect to end anyway, and if you want kids more than you want your partner, for sure don't have kids and divorce.

 

It sounds like our original poster's wife feels as you do; that the man is expendable anyway so might as well lose him.

[Azeele]

"It sounds like our original poster's wife feels as you do; that the man is expendable anyway so might as well lose him. "

 

 

I think you missed my point entirely. My point was - both the poster and and the wife of the poster have his/her own agenda. She wants a child and he wants to postpone having a child. I think in their case, the wife should respect his feelings and wait. He, on the other hand, has to realize that for him postponing childbearing is very different than it is for her. She is at an age where she stands the best chance of having a healthy pregnancy. The longer she waits, not only will it be harder for her to conceive, but the health risks to her and the baby become greater. To me, it sounds like she wants both - a baby and her husband - but - her husband is setting up a roadblock on the baby track. It's very very hard when the person you love the most in the world is standing between you and what you want the most.

 

 

If she truly felt he was expendable she would have already dumped him and moved on. Instead, she is talking with him. Granted, she could be more understanding and approach him more sensitively, but this is a very emotionally charged issue.

 

Maybe I can put it another way....Suppose the wife's ultimate dream was to be a doctor and her husband knew this before he met her. So they get married when she's in her early twenties. Suppose, then, that only those students age 30 and under can be admitted into med school. Suppose, also, that she needs his help to do so. Going to med school while single would be financially, emotionally, and physically tiring. So, right after marriage she says to her husband, "Ok, I'm got accepted - I'm going to start attending med school" and he says, "You can't right now. My stress level has gone way up after losing my job, trying to build an addition to our home, going back to school, etc. All this has put me into a level of anxiety and possible depression that I am having a hard time dealing with. I need time to try and get help counseling, etc. before you can go to med school."

 

Wife: "Oh, honey, I understand. I love you and I want you to get better...But, but, but... ...that was my dream...*sniff*....I want to go to medical school more than anything. Ok, ok, I'll wait for you to get it together. "

 

A couple of years pass and she brings it up again.

Huband: "Would you please stop nagging me!! I told you I wasn't ready for you to go to med school yet. I'm stressed, anxious, and I could be depressed. Why does this always have to be about you?" OR - maybe he's more understanding...."Ok, honey, I understand this is what you really want. BUT, I'm stressed, anxious, and I could be depressed...and just not ready for the stresses that come with being the spouse of a doctor." Either way, she is getting closer to that deadline to realize her dream but being thwarted by the one person who is supposed to be in her cheering section, who knew from the beginning that this was her dream, her hope for the future. She loves him dearly but she also wants to be a doctor.

 

Well, you get the idea. She is faced with a dilemma. Should she wait for her dear husband to decide that he can handle the stress of being the spouse of a doctor and all the sacrifice that entails. (or a father)? What if she waits for him and right before the deadline he says, "no, I can't handle it - you can't attend" or "you'll have to do it without me if you want to do it" Then she is faced with leaving him so she can become a doctor - but she'll have to either do it alone or find someone quickly to help her, or give up the dream of being a doctor (having a baby). Or, she could stay with her loving(?) husband who really, really, wanted to support her dream but was just never quite ready. Can you imagine the resentment he/she would feel if she stayed? Can you imagine the resentment he/she would feel if she left? It's a lose/lose situation either way.

 

IMO, the H should decide now - do some REAL serious soul-searching - Does he really want a child? Really? Would he be perfectly content to continue on the rest of his life without bringing a new life into the world? If the answer is yes, he should tell her that he doesn't want a child and give her the option to leave. If the answer is no, - that he wants a child - he should then decide when - give a her date to begin trying to conceive and stick to it. Believe me, that would make her feel much better. If she knows that there is hope - not just some vague promise of "someday" or "whenever I feel like it", then she'll be much happier and, consequently, so will the H. Meanwhile, continue to attend counseling to work on the other problems in the marriage. JMHO

 

 

I never felt like my exH was expendable and I grieved over the loss of my marriage. Before I finally gave up to his two requests for a divorce I quit my job and moved out of state to reconcile with him. I gave my best effort to making it work. But it takes two to make a marriage work. I found out later that he was seeing someone else, so, in hindsight, divorce was the best thing for us.

[kirkyswife]

Well what I find intriguing is the emphasis she is placing on having a baby and the stress she is placing on the relationship as a result of this intense need to start a family. I want to have a family as well. I'm 31, will be 32 this year BUT feel no sense of real urgency to get pregnant any time soon. MY husband and I just reconciled and are working on building up our marriage before we add another complication (beautiful as it). I believe in my heart that the most important thing I will do in my lifetime will be to bear and raise my children - I do not take that responsibility lightly, nor do I wish to bring children in to an unstable, shaky environment. Ny children deserve to experience as much peace and happiness and love as possible but it starts with parents who are emotionally stable and spiritually connected and dedicated to one another and committed to providing a strong family environment. All of that requires some preparation and when my Maker decides that he's ready for this awesome gift of life, he will plant the seed within me and life will grow. In the mean time, I want to love my husband and I want him to love me. I want to relinquish some of my responsibilities at my company and start spending time close to home developing the family PLC's and taking care of my husband. I want to finish law school and work on my NPO/FPO angles and during that process I think we will be blessed with our first child. But rush into having a baby - absolutely not - your wife is being selfish and unrealistic. Furthermore, it takes two to make a couple and all of the problems that plague your relationship can not possibly be soley your fault. I am glad that you are in counseling and I wish you all the best - whatever happens.

 

Take care!