Wife wants another baby....I absolutely do not....there's more

[initfortheguinness]

Background:

Me - 32 with 3 kids from previous 12 year marriage (ages 11,8,5)

Wife - 33 with 1 15 year old; father is deceased and I'm adopting

Me - Vasectomy immediately after my 3rd child born in previous marriage

Wife - Has always planned to have two children

 

My new wife reeeeeeeeeally wants another and when I say really I mean really. So much as she literally wrote up a written contract for me to sign which states that I can literally play golf 3 times per week, buy a lift kit for my Jeep, and get either a newer truck or a boat.....if I simply (easy for her to say) get my vasectomy reversed so we can have an "OUR" baby.

 

She has been quoted indicating that she wants a baby with me because our personalities and physical features mixed to create a baby would be amazing, and she would have this amazing bond with it, blah, blah, blah (that seems insensitive for me to word it like that but I am completely jaded right now).

 

The battles, threats, discussions, and more:

• 1
  
• I don't want one because I don't want my junk cut open again....it hurt, I still have pain from it, and I don't want it again
  
• 5 kids is enough to make me go insane; I already struggle to live up to her parenting style with our kids because I have pretty severe and new ADD diagnosis
   
  
• She has recently said if I'd be okay adopting another one then I would be okay with her having a baby with another man [she didn't explicitly say she wanted to have sex with him or articificial].....but my argument is "what happened to wanting a baby with the love of your supposed love of your life (a.k.a me)
   
  
• I want to travel, have fun with my wife when my 3 kids go to their mom's for the summer (I have sole physical custody), and her 15 year old goes to Utah for the summer.....we can't do that if we have a baby.
   
  
• We literally fight (heated battles sometimes) all the time because of this topic.....it has gotten so bad she just tonight admitted that she treats me differently (in my opinion so differently I don't even want to speak to her sometimes)....she grills me about everything (in her defense that is probably my ADD).......I asked her what my life would be like if I gave in (completely against my will) and had my vasectomy reversed......she again admitted it would be a 180 from how she treats me today if not more....hmmmmm, that's fishy to me.
   
  She rides me soooooo hard and soooo much (ADD or not) about how I'm not consistent enough with parenting our 4 kids when it comes to discipline, chores, etc and she feels like she has to run the household, and on and on. I've used that fact as a point in my argument, "Why would you want to have another baby with me when you already don't think I do a good job of parenting the ones we have?"
   
  
• She never got to raise a baby with two parents (her daughter's father died when she was a little baby in a tragic accident).......she wants to raise them the right way with two parents.
   
  
• Have I mentioned that 5 kids is an insane amount for my distracted mind to even comprehend. I am maybe selfish here, but I want to play golf on weekends, go camping, fishing, etc [for the record, I always take one or more of our kids golfing with me or playing tennis at the country club we belong to so I'm not asking for just guy time....just free from newborn time]
   
  
• I want to work my job from 9 - 5 and come home, and not have to leave all the time for sick babies, doctors appointments for her
   
  
• You women are going to kill me here but I'm not trying to be completely insensitive, we don't have sex any where near what we used to and the thoughts of pregnancy and all I witnessed and tolerated during my previous wife's 3 pregnancies makes me literally cringe. I don't want my wife to get this big ole' gut and waddle around for 6 months. I'm an exception to the rule but there is nothing beautiful about pregnancy (women, please do not bash me for saying that....you women (and my wife for sure) are beautiful to your core, pregnancy just seems to change that outside appearance in my eyes temporarily until you're done being pregnant)
   
  
• The thought of having literally no room in our 3rd row seating vehicle (which currently only holds 7 and a baby would fill it to capacity) for our luggage if we want to take a trip somewhere....and having to either haul a trailer everywhere we go or put the luggage on the top also makes me cringe.
   
  
• I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and feed a crying, crapping baby.....I told you I was jaded. I love babies, I just don't want any more of my own.
   
  ***********THE GRAND FINALE**************
   
  
• I'll open this one by saying if it weren't for her; I definitely would not have been granted sole physical custody of my 3 kids (I was losing in court in a big way).
   
  She recently sent me an email indicating that she was beginning to resent her having helped me get my kids (and maybe somewhat my kids) because if they went to their mother I'd feel an emptiness and want to have another child. Out of anger (that I'm even kind of feeling right now just thinking about that) I replied well, do we compare the resentment she feels for my unwillingness to give her her dream and my selfishness with the level of resentment I'd feel for a baby if it were here.....either way its not fair to anyone.
  

 

At this point we're trying to navigate this issue the best we can, but we always end up in throwing stones at each other and saying some pretty mean things.

 

What We've Tried

We went to a pastor at our church who explained that he sees both sides, however God made marriage for procreation. He helped uncover that my anger towards her was from the VAST amount of pressure she was putting on me about the issue which caused me to shut all conversations about the topic immediately down.

 

He helped her agree (this was 2 months ago) that she wouldn't even so much as mention it until I have had some time to really wrap my head around the idea..

 

I've prayed...no change of heart for me

Ive tried to see her side, but my side is so strong that I can't do that well.

 

But now her pressure is so much because I've allowed her to joke around about it and look at baby clothes and just because I'm allowing her to do that she thinks she's gaining ground with me when in fact I'm only trying to be nice and not harp on her for it...so she adds a little more pressure....and when I don't shut it down immediately like before because I'm trying to be nice....she adds a little more pressure.

 

When I become gruff and clearly state that her pressuring me is driving me further away from the possibility of it....we argue and it starts the cycle alllllllll over again.

 

It has even gotten to the point where we've both admitted that we may divorce over the issue and we've only been married for 5 months (together for 1.5 years).

 

I know it was long winded, but how do you navigate this topic when both parties are so stuck in their stance?

 

I love my wife a lot (she's hot, an amazing parent and co-parent, hot, thoughtful, hot, and successful), and I admit I've had a hard time showing it with all the battles, and her grilling me (that's related to my ADD thought I believe) all the frigign time, yelling at me. I know it takes two to tango, and I do engage in battles as well.

 

I don't want to divorce, I want to enjoy our new married life together, improving our challengingly blended existing family, I want to love her without conditions (or resentment), I want to travel with her, play golf all the time with her, try new things like get some rental properties...but do it baby free which would just throw a wrench in all of that......not to mention break the bank even more than it already is with my own student loans, and one kid on the verge of college already.

 

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LONG-WINDEDNESS.

[Eddie Edirol]

if you have already told your wife everything that you said here, then you might have a problem. There is a real reason she wants that baby and she isnt telling you. Maybe SHE feels the void from not giving birth for 15 years. If she is successful, does she not have enough going on to keep her busy? She is at the age here women typically start panicking that if they dont have a baby now, they never will. But she already has the care of 4 children, why is that not enough? She apparently is not thinking about how much of a struggle another child would be, she is only thinking of how she will feel bonding with a baby. This looks to me like an emotional issue.

 

So its just about who's selfishness is more important, or practical, and its obvious its yours. I wonder if her urge to make a baby is more important than keeping you. If it is, youre in trouble. Didnt you guys discuss this before getting married?

 

i think, She wants to feel new feelings, and you can give those to her by being more romantic. But, if she wants to give love to a new baby rather than spreading it out to all your children, then you might be at a major incompatibility issue that neither of you will get past, and you really might have to get this marriage annulled. People are going to suggest marriage counceling, but if she REALLY wants that baby, that wont help.

 

I think you should stand your ground, do not get your vasectomy reversed, another child is not a good idea in your case. Maybe you can hold her off for a couple more years and maybe her feelings will go away.

[initfortheguinness]

Yeah, we discussed this and I wasn't entirely against the idea, however since I've begun to struggle so much with my ADD and not living up to her expectations (its not a nightmare, but she is a gung ho, go go go, get things done now, driven person....and I'm more layed back and chillax) that I've despise the idea of children.

 

I even went as far as telling her in response to her telling me she'd treat me entirely different (180 degrees if not more); what were her thoughts of me agreeing to get the VAS reversed, but me to literally live like I was dying (go out all the time, golf 5 days a week, kind of mid-life crisis like), before I get it reversed so I can somewhat feel like I've taken advantage of free time....she shut that conversation down.

 

But she did admit she'd never let me get it done if I would resent the child for it. That's somewhat of a good sign, but I'm purely tired of fighting this fight but I am also afraid that I would have such high expectations of her to change her tone with me (respect, etc) that she'd never live up to it and we'd still argue. I also am afraid that she wouldn't change her tone with me and she'd have a baby I don't want and she'd still be grilling me about how short I fall when it comes to parenting.

 

She claims she loves that I am a family person (take the kids golfing, swimming, etc) and that I truly want my kids. She desires that, but when it comes to the actual parenting part (discipline, consistency, chore enforcement, etc) I definitely come up short.

 

I want the battles to end. I love her and I want the girl I fell in love with back. I've changed too I admit, my ADD is causing some other pretty significant marital challenges for both us but I'm learning about ADD and trying to fix those.

[Lois]

Don't know if my story will help but:

I was nagged and nagged by my (stbx) husband to have his baby - (I was 40 at the time and had two grown children from a previous marriage and I was done) - on and on he went, even playing the "ÿou have no right to deny me becoming a father" card. He'd sulk and wouldn't speak to me for days on end. So eventually, worn down after so many fights I gave in to his wishes. Had his baby at the ripe old age of 42 and thought it would make him happy, make his life complete. Nope. He walked out and here I am, raising the child he wanted so desperately, alone.

 

So you can probably guess what my advice is ... if you absolutely do not want any more children, don't.

[Eddie Edirol]

My good man, you are in trouble. Because if you even sorta agreed to be open to having another child after marriage, you changed and re-negged on the deal she wanted. She has been wanting to do this probably for a while, and now youre backing out. You say you want the girl you fell in love with, but youre probably not the guy she fell in love with, in her eyes. And all that counts is the guy who said he'd consider giving her a baby. She took that as a yes, figured she would convince you to do it after you got married, but now you changed the deal, no wonder she is yelling at you.

 

I dont know man, if your ADD is this bad, and she isnt willing to roll with you the way you are, you might have to bail on this one.

[Star Gazer]

I admit I didn't read the entire OP. Too much.

 

But I can say that I can understand her desire to have a child WITH YOU, to unify your two families, to have a bloodline that extends from her all the way to your own children. Her child would share blood with yours.

 

But I don't know if she's thinking the same way.

[initfortheguinness]

AND THE PLOT THICKENS.....I allowed my wife to see what site I was on this evening (I have nothing to hide), and being the curious one (which I definitely would be if I saw her on some site called loveshack :0)) she is, she has read my post and the responses. Needless to say I'm not sitting real pretty right now, but on the flipside I have some interesting feedback. I appreciate it, thank you.

 

Although she's reading this thread (I haven't lied about anything here to make my story more interesting or anything), I'd still like feedback. I posted this to get others' perspective/input, not to vent about our challenges. To anyone who may respond, be candid regardless if you are indicating I'm right, wrong or otherwise. My wife and I are both in this situation together.....I probably with a lot less sex than before this post.....but we definitely need to know how to navigate this.

[initfortheguinness]

I admit I didn't read the entire OP. Too much.

 

But I can say that I can understand her desire to have a child WITH YOU, to unify your two families, to have a bloodline that extends from her all the way to your own children. Her child would share blood with yours.

 

But I don't know if she's thinking the same way.

 

Yes, she has claimed that as well. The blood connection. I get it....but I'm too stuck on my stance at this point (key words) I'm afraid to be able to understand what that really even means.

[Mutant Debutante]

So, you keep mentioning that you have ADD and it messes up your relationship with your wife and what kind of dad you are...without saying you're doing anything to manage it. What are you doing about it?

[initfortheguinness]

So, you keep mentioning that you have ADD and it messes up your relationship with your wife and what kind of dad you are...without saying you're doing anything to manage it. What are you doing about it?

So, you keep mentioning that you have ADD and it messes up your relationship with your wife and what kind of dad you are...without saying you're doing anything to manage it. What are you doing about it?

 

I have been doing extensive research, obtained medication which my wife even claims to have helped some, implemented organizational tools to our life so that I can stay on task with my honey-do list , and empathized. I say she yells at me, she doesn't yell at me like a piece of crap or anything, she just gets very frustrated with me....which I am learning is very very very normal in relationships with someone having ADD.

 

It doesn't help matters much that she is a very spot on, don't miss a beat, on top of everything at all times, type of person....which I absolutely appreciate, but when I am struggling myself it becomes a challenge to accomplish things as she believes they can be done. I'm not a lazy person by any means, I just bounce around from here to there a lot. It is so new to me I'm still learning about it and...and realizing how much of an impact it has on her and the kids.

[CC12]

I think that for any couple, no matter how much you love each other, this is ultimately a deal breaker. And probably one of the most painful ones, because everything else in the relationship can be perfect, but if you can't agree on having a kid, it's not fair for one party to acquiesce to the other. That's too big of a commitment (on either side) to ask of someone who isn't willing.

 

As far as the baby thing, it's not about being right or wrong. There's really no "right" side to that.

 

But, wife, since you're reading, chill out on pressuring him. Threats and bribes have no place in family planning. I mean, you seem really insistent on him having a medical procedure that he doesn't want. There's a (big) problem with that.

 

I don't blame you for kind of expecting a baby, though. I mean, he "wasn't entirely against the idea." That's not a flat out "no," which is what he's saying now, unfortunately. He's allowed to change his mind.

 

OP, judging by what you've said here and the length of time you've been married, it kind of seems like you already knew you didn't want any kids. Or have your feelings changed in the whole 5 months that you've been married?

 

And that brings me to this: FIVE MONTHS, YOU GUYS. You guys couldn't get along and be happy newlyweds for even five months? There are already problems of this magnitude? Either you've both made a terrible mistake, or you both need to get over yourselves and work on the relationship more before making big decisions.

[Emilia]

I admit I didn't read the entire OP. Too much.

 

But I can say that I can understand her desire to have a child WITH YOU, to unify your two families, to have a bloodline that extends from her all the way to your own children. Her child would share blood with yours.

 

But I don't know if she's thinking the same way.

 

You should read the whole post to understand it's not just about that.

[Emilia]

I think OP ultimately this isn't just about the child, it's about having a wife who wants everything her way and who is quite controling. She has to learn to take your point of view seriously and to respect it, she can't just unleash frustrations when she gets impatient with how you handle things. I don't know how long you have been together but if you carry on fighting like this, the constant conflict will grind you down eventually, I'm speaking from exprience. You are both young, when you get older you won't handle the tiresomeness of it all so well.

 

I think OP you feel very strongly about having a life and not having another baby. I don't think you should. This is a very serious potential dealbreaker and while your wife is hot now and you love her, long term this will not be enough to stay together. You have to be compatible and you have to want the same things long term. Think long and hard of the life you can have with her. Even if she doesn't get the baby she wants, does she want to do all the things you want? Does she want to travel, etc? Is she the long term partner for you really?

[abdo]

I'm sorry to see this frustrating cycle in your marriage.

 

Just an observation:

 

There is no way you can be the leader in the pack. She's the pack leader and she will always make sure she wins. She's non-negotiable.

 

She clearly knows you're afraid of losing a hot, hot, hot wife, but she's not afriad of losing you, the very good family man, nor does she care about what you want or how you feel.

 

She won't give up manipulating you & testing your limits. Because she must win whatever she thinks right.

 

If you don't agree with her, this issue will go on & on.

 

Take care & good luck!

[Black Jack]

So, you keep mentioning that you have ADD and it messes up your relationship with your wife and what kind of dad you are...without saying you're doing anything to manage it. What are you doing about it?

 

Uhh if he has a medical condition it's not entirely his fault. Of course you'll only look at one side of the problem.

[bentnotbroken]

Don't have a child to please anyone. It has to come from your heart in order for there to be a bond with the child. Resentment is a powerful thing that manifests it's self in many destructive ways. A child shouldn't be the recipient of any of that. Stick to your guns. By the way as a Christian, your Pastor was right in that marriage was originally designed by God for procreation. But read Luke about the duties of a husband and a wife. One accord is the desired stance and you two are clearly not on one accord.

[TaraMaiden]

In a nutshell:

You both have to want it as much as the other person does - or you shouldn't have it.

And frankly - sticking my neck out a mile here, and putting it on the block -

 

having a child in this day and age, with the economic situation that exists, with the population numbers as they are and with the financial, ecological and environmental situation to consider - not to mention that you both already HAVE children - is hugely socially, morally and environmentally irresponsible.

we have too many children being born to too many incapable, irresponsible, negligent, questionable and unwilling parents already, who need care, fostering, adoption.... without adding to the numbers...

 

But hey - that's just my opinion.

 

That all said, I know when hormones drive a woman to become a mother, there isn't a single gram or iota of common sense or rational argument that will work to convince her otherwise.

 

As i see it, coldly and clinically, you have three options:

 

Get your vasectomy reversed and try for a kid.

 

Refuse point blank and see where it takes your marriage.

 

Don't have a reversal, but find another way (that doesn't involve sex with another man) for her to get pregnant.

 

That way, she has her child - but you don't have anything to do with it, and it's on her back, not yours.

[irin]

why do you have sole custody of your other kids why not shared. its not fair! did she inform you of her desire to have a child with you before marriage. its a bit unfair for both of you, it seems as though you've already had all your kids with another women and she isnt done yet. its complicated she has a right to have children with her husband and you have the right not to! your in trouble.

[wow04]

My question is was any of this discussed before you got married?

[FitChick]

She now has FOUR kids. I feel sorry for your bio kids if she feels they are outsiders whom she cannot or will not love. Not very maternal of her. I think she wants to make sure she'll get more money if you got a divorce and a baby would guarantee income for eighteen years.

 

Perhaps you should divorce now so it will cost you less money. Clearly you are not compatible and your marriage was an impulsive mistake. Otherwise, tell her you will think about it for the next two years. That way you will know if the marriage will last.

 

If you had none or only one previous kid, I might give her the benefit of the doubt. She is just selfish and might wind up raising yet another child without a father.

 

One option might be to take in a foster baby. That way you both could see the impact another child would have on your family. You'd be paid for it to, unlike a real baby.

Edited March 28, 2012 by FitChick

[Mutant Debutante]

Uhh if he has a medical condition it's not entirely his fault. Of course you'll only look at one side of the problem.

 

WTF are you talking about? I didn't blame him for anything or tell him anything was his fault, he brought up his condition repeatedly and said it was affecting everyone in his family, so I asked him what he was doing to manage it.

[Mutant Debutante]

I have been doing extensive research, obtained medication which my wife even claims to have helped some, implemented organizational tools to our life so that I can stay on task with my honey-do list , and empathized. I say she yells at me, she doesn't yell at me like a piece of crap or anything, she just gets very frustrated with me....which I am learning is very very very normal in relationships with someone having ADD.

 

It doesn't help matters much that she is a very spot on, don't miss a beat, on top of everything at all times, type of person....which I absolutely appreciate, but when I am struggling myself it becomes a challenge to accomplish things as she believes they can be done. I'm not a lazy person by any means, I just bounce around from here to there a lot. It is so new to me I'm still learning about it and...and realizing how much of an impact it has on her and the kids.

 

So it sounds like it's a pretty new diagnosis and you're trying to get on top of it? If that's right, that's good, keep it up. Dealing every day with somebody with ADD can be really, really frustrating and it does have a big impact on your family, but she also needs to learn better ways to help you manage it too. Is she helping you or just tapping her foot impatiently?

 

I totally agree with other posters who said she needs to stop pressuring you...you can't pressure somebody to have a painful medical procedure or force them to have a baby, wtf. She needs to knock it off. On the other hand, you should acknowledge more, even to yourself, that you led her on with this. It sounds like she let you know right from the beginning that having a baby was a BIG deal to her, and you kind of led her to believe that you would be okay with that, it's not surprising that she's hurt and angry now and you should suck it up and admit that she has reason to be. So neither of you is right and neither of you is wrong, all the way.

 

Honestly I think you're probably going to have to divorce on this one. It's one of the big dealbreakers. Sorry, hope I'm wrong and one of you can figure out a way to compromise that you won't regret forever.

[2sunny]

IF she is absolutely intent on having another one - and you are absolutely against it - you two may not be a good match.

[Lauriebell82]

My question is was any of this discussed before you got married?

 

My thoughts exactly. Why would you marry her knowing she wanted another child so badly and why would she marry you knowing that you had a vasectomy? Did you guys think marriage would correct that problem? I'm confused.

[setsenia]

 

My new wife reeeeeeeeeally wants another and when I say really I mean really. So much as she literally wrote up a written contract for me to sign which states that I can literally play golf 3 times per week, buy a lift kit for my Jeep, and get either a newer truck or a boat.....if I simply (easy for her to say) get my vasectomy reversed so we can have an "OUR" baby.

 

Big no-no. My mom wanted kids and my dad didn't. She lied about being on BC with my brother and she promised him all the sex he wanted if he would get married to her. So he agreed and he reluctantly agreed to have me. My dad was never in favor of having children and we have been paying for it all our lives. He did the bare minimum for us, took out his resentment for our mom on us and cannot stop talking about how dissatisfied he is with his life because of us.

 

Don't get into any agreements like that. The message is clear here. You have had your children, you're done and in a different stage of life now. Your wife needs to understand that and decide what's more important. Having a baby or her marriage to you. You already have your hands pretty full. My two best friends are twins. Their dad and stepmom have been married for quite some time and don't have any kids together, but their dad has them and their stepmom has four other kids from a previous marriage. That makes a family of 8. It's quite a bit to handle and both of them have experienced parenting, been there, done that.

 

No offense intended if your W is reading this. But it sounds like for her she wants a baby for novelty reasons. (A cute baby that looks like the both of you and so on). There's nothing wrong with that at all, but you both have to be practical. Is she really ready to spend another 18 years going through the hard work of child-rearing?

 

My dad divorced his exW because she wanted another baby at 29. He met her when she was 24 and back then she was adamant that she didn't want more children after having her first at 18. When she asked him to have a baby with her, he already had two grown kids. (26 and 22). They divorced amicably, but he was clear that being close to 50 he was at a different stage of life and was done with kids (didn't even want them in the first place, ) and wanted to travel. My dad also has ADD by the way and he barely handled 2 kids.

 

I suggest you both sit down and have a serious discussion about this.

Edited March 28, 2012 by setsenia