Wife wants another baby....I absolutely do not....there's more

[setsenia]

My thoughts exactly. Why would you marry her knowing she wanted another child so badly and why would she marry you knowing that you had a vasectomy? Did you guys think marriage would correct that problem? I'm confused.

 

My thoughts exactly.

[FitChick]

Buy her a puppy.

[PlumPrincess]

She posted as well!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/320098-i-want-our-baby-he-disgusted-idea

[blindesided]

I have been on both sides of the fence. I was married & my then-husband & I had one child (I was a twin - he was an only child) I always wanted 2 kids - he only wanted 1. It was a big issue in our marriage for a long time - Ultimately we ended up divorcing (his cheating & alcohol issues) which I may or may not have contributed to - by being resentful of him not wanting to have any more kids. Fast forward to present day - I have been divorced for 1yr now - my son is almost 12 (I am 38) - I in no way want to have more kids now - (tubes are tied) - I met a guy a few years younger than me that has never been married & had kids. He wants that. Ultimately he broke up with me because he cant see a future with me. As painful as it is right now going through the break-up. I know in my heart its for the best - I cant deny him the opportunity to have a child - that wouldnt be fair of me. Thats a tough place you guys are in & I really feel for you - there is no easy answer.

 

For the wife - a question - so when the baby come & he doesnt lift a finger to help get up and feed the baby - how will you feel?

 

For the husband - try to understand how much pain she is in (I was - for some reason at the time - the desire to have another baby was so strong & I was so sad an upset everytime another friend was having a baby - it was a terrible feeling

[TaraMaiden]

initfoinrtheguiness, I'm hoping you have also taken a look at your wife's thread.

In fact, I would recommend it.

It will give you a second perspective.

 

I cannot begin to describe how dreadfully mind-altering, rampaging hormones can be....

[Spark1111]

I disagree with many of the posters here.

 

There is nothing more primal to a female, no higher compliment to the male, than desiring to have the baby of a man she loves.

 

Take it as the compliment it is meant to be.

 

Seven-seater hybrid truck, golf weekends be damned.

 

Don't be an idiot here.

 

If a woman wants another baby, and the man loves her, there is a baby on the way and he should be proud as a peacock.

 

It is a want, a desire, that will not go away and the resentment will grown and likely poison your relationship.

 

She is a good step=mom to your three kids? Tolerates your newly diagnosed, but not wholly treated ADHD? Married you when you somewhat? agreed to have your vasectomy reversed? Helped you gain custody of your kids when you were losing in court?

 

To me, she sounds like a great woman, maybe more than you deserve, in that you speak often of how hot she is, but not how self-sacrificing and patient she has been in absorbing your three kids, making a home for all, and allowing you all your extracurricular activities.

 

You are being very disrespectful here, or you are clueless to a woman in love, or you are very, very selfish.

 

Either way, you have a choice to make. Make it wisely. Women have left many a marriage over much less than this compliment to the man she loves.

 

You can have your three kids, and she can leave with her 15 year old.

 

If she is as hot and as selfless as you have inadvertently described, I'm sure she will have no problem finding a good man who'd love to make a baby with an amazing woman he loves and actually appreciates.

[initfortheguinness]

I figured I'd respond to some of the questions that were asked of me all in one post so here it goes:

 

TaraMaiden - "not to mention that you both already HAVE children - is hugely socially, morally and environmentally irresponsible.

"

 

My response to this is that was one of my argumenting points along the way; why would one want to bring a child into this screwed up world.

 

----------------

Irin - "why do you have sole custody of your other kids why not shared. its not fair! did she inform you of her desire to have a child with you before marriage. its a bit unfair for both of you, it seems as though you've already had all your kids with another women and she isnt done yet. its complicated she has a right to have children with her husband and you have the right not to! your in trouble. "

 

My childrens' mother wanted to move back east (where we came from) sooooo bad that she was willing to give up the kids to do so. On that note, I was granted sole physical custody in a decree on demand situation (no follow-up hearing needed if everyone was in agreement).

 

-----------------

wow04 - "My question is was any of this discussed before you got married?"

 

Yes, and I was not entirely against the idea early on, but since the pressure was applied in the fashion it was I became almost unnaturally turned against the idea.....I will be posting a status update on our situation because as you may know, my wife now has a thread on here and we've come to a temporary arrangement that will hopefully work....stay tuned for that.

 

-------------------

Mutant Debutante - "ADD can be really, really frustrating and it does have a big impact on your family, but she also needs to learn better ways to help you manage it too. Is she helping you or just tapping her foot impatiently?"

Yes, she is helping me a great deal. She has read probably more books than I have on it, found me couselors, etc. She is completely supportive which is amazing.

-------------------

Lauriebell82 - "Did you guys think marriage would correct that problem? I'm confused."

We didn't think marriage would correct it, it was a topic that we knew was a lingering one but like I mentioned in my origional post, it got to the point where whether it be the delivery of the questions, or just the pressure alone, I began to despise the topic and immediately shut any and all conversations regarding the topic down before they allowed an argument to brew. Needless to say I became less and less successful as she became more and more passionate.

I want to be very clear here, I'm not calling her stance on the matter stupid, uncalled for or anything like that, I'm simply expressing here that our stances are very far from each others'. Again, I was pretty sure my wife was going to go online and check out the forum I was on so it wasn't like I was trying to hide anything.

-------------------

Spark1111

I won't quote your post but I can tell you this, my wife appreciates your post. It was so many of the words that she didn't even need to say (but has said to me at one point or another). That being said, thank you for that because you really did seem to make her day. As for my response to your post, I do appreciate your time and effort on the post.

I agree with you entirely, I am very lucky. I can tell you this however, each day that goes by I learn more about myself, my disorder, and how much she cares for me personally. I have been lucky enough to have "the sounding alarms and blinking arrows" sort of messages sent to me in black and white with the utmost of passion saying I need to CHANGE MY WAYS. I won't go into it in this post because I'm going to post a situation/marriage update in a seperate post (in 5 minutes) so stay tuned for that.

Again, thank you for your time and making my wife's day.....and I truly mean that.

[initfortheguinness]

Let me just chime in here for a second before I provide my marriage/situation update in a few minutes.......I have not yet read my wife's thread but I will do that next.

[initfortheguinness]

She is getting more views anyway

 

Here is the link for hers....I am going to start posting in hers to make it easier for all of you to not have to watch two separate threads. I will be posting my first updates in hers (see below)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/320098-i-want-our-baby-he-disgusted-idea

[BetheButterfly]

Background:

Me - 32 with 3 kids from previous 12 year marriage (ages 11,8,5)

Wife - 33 with 1 15 year old; father is deceased and I'm adopting

Me - Vasectomy immediately after my 3rd child born in previous marriage

Wife - Has always planned to have two children

 

My new wife reeeeeeeeeally wants another and when I say really I mean really. So much as she literally wrote up a written contract for me to sign which states that I can literally play golf 3 times per week, buy a lift kit for my Jeep, and get either a newer truck or a boat.....if I simply (easy for her to say) get my vasectomy reversed so we can have an "OUR" baby.

 

Did you sign the contract before marrying her?

• 5 kids is enough to make me go insane; I already struggle to live up to her parenting style with our kids because I have pretty severe and new ADD diagnosis
  
• She has recently said if I'd be okay adopting another one then I would be okay with her having a baby with another man [she didn't explicitly say she wanted to have sex with him or articificial].....but my argument is "what happened to wanting a baby with the love of your supposed love of your life (a.k.a me)
  
• I want to travel, have fun with my wife when my 3 kids go to their mom's for the summer (I have sole physical custody), and her 15 year old goes to Utah for the summer.....we can't do that if we have a baby.
  
• We literally fight (heated battles sometimes) all the time because of this topic.....it has gotten so bad she just tonight admitted that she treats me differently (in my opinion so differently I don't even want to speak to her sometimes)....she grills me about everything (in her defense that is probably my ADD).......I asked her what my life would be like if I gave in (completely against my will) and had my vasectomy reversed......she again admitted it would be a 180 from how she treats me today if not more....hmmmmm, that's fishy to me.
   
  She rides me soooooo hard and soooo much (ADD or not) about how I'm not consistent enough with parenting our 4 kids when it comes to discipline, chores, etc and she feels like she has to run the household, and on and on. I've used that fact as a point in my argument, "Why would you want to have another baby with me when you already don't think I do a good job of parenting the ones we have?"
  
• She never got to raise a baby with two parents (her daughter's father died when she was a little baby in a tragic accident).......she wants to raise them the right way with two parents.
  
• Have I mentioned that 5 kids is an insane amount for my distracted mind to even comprehend. I am maybe selfish here, but I want to play golf on weekends, go camping, fishing, etc [for the record, I always take one or more of our kids golfing with me or playing tennis at the country club we belong to so I'm not asking for just guy time....just free from newborn time]
  
• I want to work my job from 9 - 5 and come home, and not have to leave all the time for sick babies, doctors appointments for her
  
• You women are going to kill me here but I'm not trying to be completely insensitive, we don't have sex any where near what we used to and the thoughts of pregnancy and all I witnessed and tolerated during my previous wife's 3 pregnancies makes me literally cringe. I don't want my wife to get this big ole' gut and waddle around for 6 months. I'm an exception to the rule but there is nothing beautiful about pregnancy (women, please do not bash me for saying that....you women (and my wife for sure) are beautiful to your core, pregnancy just seems to change that outside appearance in my eyes temporarily until you're done being pregnant)
  
• The thought of having literally no room in our 3rd row seating vehicle (which currently only holds 7 and a baby would fill it to capacity) for our luggage if we want to take a trip somewhere....and having to either haul a trailer everywhere we go or put the luggage on the top also makes me cringe.
  
• I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and feed a crying, crapping baby.....I told you I was jaded. I love babies, I just don't want any more of my own.
   
  ***********THE GRAND FINALE**************
  
• I'll open this one by saying if it weren't for her; I definitely would not have been granted sole physical custody of my 3 kids (I was losing in court in a big way).
   
  She recently sent me an email indicating that she was beginning to resent her having helped me get my kids (and maybe somewhat my kids) because if they went to their mother I'd feel an emptiness and want to have another child. Out of anger (that I'm even kind of feeling right now just thinking about that) I replied well, do we compare the resentment she feels for my unwillingness to give her her dream and my selfishness with the level of resentment I'd feel for a baby if it were here.....either way its not fair to anyone.
  

She has been quoted indicating that she wants a baby with me because our personalities and physical features mixed to create a baby would be amazing, and she would have this amazing bond with it, blah, blah, blah (that seems insensitive for me to word it like that but I am completely jaded right now).

 

The battles, threats, discussions, and more:

• 1
  
• I don't want one because I don't want my junk cut open again....it hurt, I still have pain from it, and I don't want it again
  

 

I don't think pain is so much the issue... it's painful having a baby too, from what I have heard. (not that I know from experience)

 

At this point we're trying to navigate this issue the best we can, but we always end up in throwing stones at each other and saying some pretty mean things.

 

Then stop it both of you. If you are Christian, read 1 Corinthians 13 and Luke 6

 

What We've Tried

We went to a pastor at our church who explained that he sees both sides, however God made marriage for procreation. He helped uncover that my anger towards her was from the VAST amount of pressure she was putting on me about the issue which caused me to shut all conversations about the topic immediately down.

 

That's good.

 

He helped her agree (this was 2 months ago) that she wouldn't even so much as mention it until I have had some time to really wrap my head around the idea..

 

I've prayed...no change of heart for me

Ive tried to see her side, but my side is so strong that I can't do that well.

 

Please understand it's a compliment... she is complimenting you. She has a strong maternal desire, and most women understand and would want the same, to have a child with the man she loves.

 

But now her pressure is so much because I've allowed her to joke around about it and look at baby clothes and just because I'm allowing her to do that she thinks she's gaining ground with me when in fact I'm only trying to be nice and not harp on her for it...so she adds a little more pressure....and when I don't shut it down immediately like before because I'm trying to be nice....she adds a little more pressure.

 

When I become gruff and clearly state that her pressuring me is driving me further away from the possibility of it....we argue and it starts the cycle alllllllll over again.

 

It has even gotten to the point where we've both admitted that we may divorce over the issue and we've only been married for 5 months (together for 1.5 years).

 

I know it was long winded, but how do you navigate this topic when both parties are so stuck in their stance?

 

I love my wife a lot (she's hot, an amazing parent and co-parent, hot, thoughtful, hot, and successful), and I admit I've had a hard time showing it with all the battles, and her grilling me (that's related to my ADD thought I believe) all the frigign time, yelling at me. I know it takes two to tango, and I do engage in battles as well.

 

Is there a way y'all can live together and discuss without yelling at each other?

I don't want to divorce, I want to enjoy our new married life together, improving our challengingly blended existing family, I want to love her without conditions (or resentment), I want to travel with her, play golf all the time with her, try new things like get some rental properties...but do it baby free which would just throw a wrench in all of that......not to mention break the bank even more than it already is with my own student loans, and one kid on the verge of college already.

 

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LONG-WINDEDNESS.

 

I really hope you two can work it out. I understand her desire and I wish there was a way to compromise.

[initfortheguinness]

Moderation note: Threads merged for continuity

 

BACKSTORY: I posted my side on here, my wife found it.......she created her own thread on here and this issue has been going ever since.

 

My post (the husband): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/319670-wife-wants-another-baby-i-absolutely-do-not-there-s-more#post3901200

 

Her post (the wife): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/320098-i-want-our-baby-he-disgusted-idea

 

 

I thought it only fair for people to understand the outcome of this situation so to have another reality of how something like this turns out.....man it’s already been 1 year and 3 months since my original post.

 

The one line summary of where my wife and I are today is "This doesn't end well".

 

The Facts:

• I gave in to this promised better treatment which I said in my OP seemed a little fishy (it was)............I had the vasectomy reversal in July 2012.
  
• We created an agreement (if you remember from my OP....she likes those) that if she didn't conceive by 12 months after I was healed she was going to give up and get her boobs done, and some other work she wanted to have done....that's not gonna happen. Her loophole: we've only had sex during "go time" two times since August so that doesn't count. Hmmmmm, I don't recall frequency being a apart of the agreement. There's more to that but I'd be going against my intention of not wanting to add emotion to these facts
   
  
• Our marriage is falling apart.....oddly this baby talk is not on the surface of the arguments (but I'm sure buried under there somewhere is some resentment)
   
  
• We don't like each other anymore.......it’s been stated both calmly and in anger.....in writing and verbally.
   
  
• We don't have sex.....and have no desire to
   
  
• I didn't get a single bloody thing that was promised in our original agreement (remember...she likes agreements): no truck, no boat, no lifted jeep, and definitely absolutely no king-like treatment.
   
  
• We've been through 4 different marriage counselors.......3 non church related and 1 pastor.
   
  
• We've both grown stronger in our faith but definitely don't treat each other like we should according to the Bible.
   
  
• We are still the same people who fell in love 4 years ago.........those feelings are still there somewhere but just covered up by a bunch of various emotions and issues
   
  
• THE BIGGEST FACT AND POINT I NEED PEOPLE IN THIS SITUATION TO KNOW.................Vasectomy reversals don't fix broken marriages. No matter what is promised to you, no matter the lip service, nothing. It doesn't fix it. If you felt strongly like I did in my OP......please don't get the reversal. You had the reversal for a reason and I did too. I still don't want a baby but I wanted to make my wife happy so I did it. I can buy a truck, a boat, a jeep any time I want. If your heart isn't in it (and I know I have a bunch of "I told you so's from many of the participants on this thread)......please do not do it.
  
• 
  

 

 

Other Notes:

• I am not posting this to dawg her or call her out in any way; I simply want the outcome to be "googleable". Please don't respond to this post in support of me because I know she'll be reading this post and believe me this forum has been a topic for us back then.
  

 

Will we divorce?.....I have no idea. Do I want it?....absolutely not but these days we are both happier not around each other. We both have contributed to the brokenness of this marriage by allowing unresolved issues to begin the cycle of some ugly horrible arguments complete with "going for the jugular vein" comments and emails. It’s how we do it, we still need to learn how to stop it.....for our kids and for ourselves....now and in the future. Unfortunately 4 counselors and time have not been enough. I don't blame failed counseling; I just don't believe it works for me in the first place (even for non-married folk). I am glad that there are some out there that benefit from counseling, I'm envious even.

 

We, for the sake of the 4 children, have continued to do some really fun things and gone some very fun places....that's also what we do. I don't want to keep typing details that don't pertain to this post, I apologize for the tangent.

 

Take care people. I hope this has helped someone.

Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator