canary123 Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Hi Loveshack, I've been reading this forum for a little while since I broke up with my girlfriend a while ago and it has helped a lot to know there are lots of other people feeling the way I do. Anyway I realised I need to tell my whole sorry story and I'm hoping someone out there will have the patience to read it and understand! I met the girl nearly 7 years ago at work. At the time she was in a relationship but we became friends. Our friendship blossomed until the point when she called me every single day - we were emotional support to one another, and built a closeness unlike any other I've experienced before or since. Of course for all this time she was with the same guy - initially living together but they moved out, but stayed "together". Then about the time we were speaking on the phone every day I realised I had feelings but couldn't tell her because she was with the other guy so went no contact. Then I heard she'd moved to a different country with work. Clearly I thought this had something to do with being unhappy - missing me - and that she was moving on from the other guy. She was in the other country for a year and a half before I went to visit my brother for Christmas in the same country. Anyway I got in touch and we agreed to meet up for new year. Unfortunately in the end her flight was cancelled so we only got to see each other in the airport for 3 hours. The conversation was so comfortable - it was like we hadn't been apart - and the most flirty she's been around me. So I left to come back home and a few days later was talked into emailing her explaining all of my feelings for her. She said she was shocked but that she was interested and realised she got on with me better than anyone she's ever known. We arranged to go on holiday together and resumed speaking every day and emailing constantly. The holiday was great. I convinced her to move back to her home country. As soon as she came back, things changed. She became distant, and it was obvious she was hiding me and not letting me into her life, though she was very much in mine. She said this was because she was worried that the mutual friends she had with her ex would see us together and that it might get back to him. "So what?", I would ask. I became very very frustrated with this. She said that she wasn't over him, and slowly we drifted apart further, me getting angry with her when she treated me badly, no longer sleeping together, no longer speaking on the phone. Eventually I'd had enough and brought her up on it. Obviously she wasn't over the other guy. She said that she needed time and I should "let [her] come and get [me]". So I left her alone, thinking she just needed to come to terms with the fact that she wasn't with him. I have to say that she finds it difficult to deal with emotions, repressed in childhood etc etc. That is no excuse though. I told her I'd try to move on. So I went NC, she texted me once which I replied to tersely. Meanwhile this other guy has had a new girlfriend since she was away. It seems to me though my ex has to maintain her image and look good in front of the mutual friends and when she sees her ex. She was at a mutual friends wedding last weekend, I saw the pictures on facebook. She texted me last night with "Hi mister how are you doing?". I caved and replied. This has now turned in to a text rally with me saying "why? aren't you just trying to keep me sweet as second choice in case you can't get [your ex] back?", and "it really meant nothing to you didn't it?" to which she's said "that's not true please don't think that". Basically that brings us up to today. Before that it'd been a month of NC. I totally caved. I am totally annoyed at myself for not moving on. What is clear is that my feelings are not shared by her and this will only lead to me being upset again in the future. I know I need to cut loose completely but I miss her, we admitted to each other that we get on like no-one we've ever met and that we are each irreplaceable to the other. And this makes it much harder. I also now have the feeling that she wants to get back with her ex and she did let it slip that she regrets breaking up with him. And yet, she left him to move away. She has stated many times that he treated her badly. I am really struggling to come to terms with the ease with which she destroyed what we had, the carelessness of it, and that I apparently meant so little to her. Why doesn't she share my feelings? Why can't I just forget about her? I know that I have trouble with relationships, basically I suffered a lot of feelings of abandonment because of my parents. I just don't know how I can move on and how to meet someone new. Thanks for reading, I know it's long! Link to post Share on other sites
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Rule of the day...do NOT get involved with anyone until they have cleaned up their yard first. You have feelings, but cannot do anything with them because of the ghost of this other fellow she wants to get back with. NC. There is no reason for it unless you are a glutton for punishment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author canary123 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 Thanks B&B I appreciate what you're saying. Should I just ignore if she gets in touch? I was thinking about ending our latest text convo just saying that she shouldn't expect a reply from me unless she can say something compelling, to explain why I won't reply in future, and it will depend if I'm available at that time. And then do my best to get it out of my head :S I was doing so well before she got in touch! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Just go NC. Do not tell her you are doing it or explain why. That will make you look like a wuss. I have been where you are. It never works. The fact of the matters is you care about her, but she doesn't care about you. Nothing will change that. In fact, her just knowing that you care about her will keep her from wanting to be with you. She knows you are there if she wants you, so she has no need to be with you. It has nothing to do with feelings of abandonment. It is actually quite rare for two people to feel the same about each other. One always cares more than the other. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AriesBunny Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 You should ignore her and move on with your coping. Your friend turned ex has to clean things up and let them run their course. You could only continue your life and move forward. It won't be easy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
esteem-jam Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 You sound and act like you are bargaining and considering if you really want to get back together with her. But the truth is, everything has been decided without your presence/knowledge. She didnt have to consult you, she just does what she does, and she will be with somebody else. Have you had sex with her? Has she had BFs after him and you? And had you had GFs after her? I assume no. You are really playing cheap here, being for her all the time, while she gets her happiness elsewhere. You dont prepare for NC, you just do it. From my point of view, you shouldnt answer/explain her anything now. And you say you know each other 7 years already? Any person would already have decided if he/she is somebody that they want to be with for the rest of their lives. I think she doesnt want to be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Thanks B&B I appreciate what you're saying. Should I just ignore if she gets in touch? I was thinking about ending our latest text convo just saying that she shouldn't expect a reply from me unless she can say something compelling, to explain why I won't reply in future, and it will depend if I'm available at that time. And then do my best to get it out of my head :S I was doing so well before she got in touch! Ignore; it's over. Don't be wishy washy; why should you explain yourself? Pull the plug on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author canary123 Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 You sound and act like you are bargaining and considering if you really want to get back together with her. But the truth is, everything has been decided without your presence/knowledge. She didnt have to consult you, she just does what she does, and she will be with somebody else. Have you had sex with her? Has she had BFs after him and you? And had you had GFs after her? I assume no. You are really playing cheap here, being for her all the time, while she gets her happiness elsewhere. You dont prepare for NC, you just do it. From my point of view, you shouldnt answer/explain her anything now. And you say you know each other 7 years already? Any person would already have decided if he/she is somebody that they want to be with for the rest of their lives. I think she doesnt want to be with you. Yes we've had sex, spent a lot of nights together when she first got back. I know she dated another guy while she was away. No I haven't been seeing another girl since but I did have a one night stand. She says spending time with me is fun, but the time we spend together is always the two of us and I don't fit into her broader life i.e. know her friends. I really think she is just very confused and doesn't know what she wants. Her life is in flux with just having moved back, living in temporary accommodation, seeing old friends again etc. I hear what you're saying, of course, and thanks for taking the time everyone... I just don't know what's the best thing to do. Scratch that, I do know. I know what the rational thing is but it isn't easy to do. She contacted me, not the other way around and here I am right back at square uno. Great relationships aren't built on bases like this I know that. Link to post Share on other sites
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