It's just boredom or I need someone to fill the gap?

[abdo]

Hi all, I'm a new member. I just found this forum today and it seems good.

 

I have been reading many interesting threads and thinking maybe I should look for some input for my issue.

 

A bit background of the story. I've been married for 8 years and I've been obsessed to a single man for 4 years.

 

But now it's more like an unrequited fascination on my side. To make long story short, I'm getting tired of the flirting & chasing game with him. I believe he thinks the same.

 

So I don't want to contact him as often as before. I cut down my messages for him to almost zero.

 

I wouldn't say it's an emotional affair at this stage, although it feels like one but because eventually, he grew distance from me...Hell, he used to say he liked me but now I'm not sure whether he still likes me or not.

 

Although I know I have done the right thing to go away from him but I feel lost, bored and anxious. So I created a new profile on an adult dating site, looking for chat friends only to kill the boredom and anxiety. But I'm not sure if I should find someone else to play a new chasing game to fill the gap?

 

Please give me some insights and advice.

 

I think my H doesn't mind if I want to chat online as long as I don't have sex with any guy for real. I'm playing within his limits.

Edited March 28, 2012 by abdo

[bentnotbroken]

Bored...volunteer at a veteran's hospital. Go to a soup kitchen. Take meals to the home bound. Go to women's shelter and offer support. Animal shelters are always looking for volunteers. Bored....really? It sounds more like something my teen would say. It smacks of immaturity and unwillingness to look for healthy alternatives.

[irin]

find a hobby that you can practice with husband, boredom is not worth destroying you marriage for. go play tennis together or something fun,

[abdo]

Bored...volunteer at a veteran's hospital. Go to a soup kitchen. Take meals to the home bound. Go to women's shelter and offer support. Animal shelters are always looking for volunteers. Bored....really? It sounds more like something my teen would say. It smacks of immaturity and unwillingness to look for healthy alternatives.[/QUOT]

 

 

I do charity, too but it has nothing to do with an affair.

 

I'm still lost, anxious & bored.

 

Your advice is irreverent. I feel rebuked.

[abdo]

find a hobby that you can practice with husband, boredom is not worth destroying you marriage for. go play tennis together or something fun,

 

Yes I believe a new hobby with H can help a bit for my boredom but not much to fill the void in me.

 

I will try your advice though. Thanks!

[bentnotbroken]

Bored...volunteer at a veteran's hospital. Go to a soup kitchen. Take meals to the home bound. Go to women's shelter and offer support. Animal shelters are always looking for volunteers. Bored....really? It sounds more like something my teen would say. It smacks of immaturity and unwillingness to look for healthy alternatives.[/QUOT]

 

 

I do charity, too but it has nothing to do with an affair.

 

I'm still lost, anxious & bored.

 

Your advice is irreverent. I feel rebuked.

 

 

Feel anyway you like. My post stands. Clearly you aren't doing enough of anything if you are still bored.

[KeepMeInMind]

What exactly is your marriage lacking? That's what you need to figure out. You can't fix it, or consider leaving/moving on, until you know. I would definitely consider counselling.

[abdo]

What exactly is your marriage lacking? That's what you need to figure out. You can't fix it, or consider leaving/moving on, until you know. I would definitely consider counselling.[/quote

 

Can marriage fulfilled everything? Are you married?

There is no perfect marriage but mine is a happy one.

 

Chemistry & the thrills of passion & lust are lacking.

 

Sex is still good & regular with H but there are no sparks & new excitement in the bedroom.

 

And as a wife, I can't keep demanding H do this & do that because something I like, he might not like it & I should respect & love who he is. H is my life partner and we have good partnership which is strong enough for us to grow old together.

 

And once again, my marriage has nothing to do with my affair.

 

If my marriage is the main course, the affair will be the desert, which can be live with or without. A chocolate cake always makes you feel vivid & refresh.

 

However, I can also live without the desert but life is flat & plain.

 

Only if you are married 10 year +, you know what I mean.

 

Without an additional lover, life is incomplete.

[abdo]

 

 

Feel anyway you like. My post stands. Clearly you aren't doing enough of anything if you are still bored.

 

Keeping myself busy doesn't really give me an exciting & sexy image.

[jwi71]

Her M isn't lacking she is.

So what's is lacking in YOU which requires validation from another man?

Why does pursuing him fulfill you versus say, volunteering at a VA hospital, does not?

Can you elaborate on the feelings you get in regards to this pursuit of another man versus other activities?

[abdo]

Her M isn't lacking she is.

So what's is lacking in YOU which requires validation from another man?

Why does pursuing him fulfill you versus say, volunteering at a VA hospital, does not?

Can you elaborate on the feelings you get in regards to this pursuit of another man versus other activities?

 

I have explained it.

[jwi71]

I have explained it.

 

Cross-posted. And I'm on my IPhone so reading and typing is a bit of a chore.

 

I digress.

 

Do you only feel sexy with the attention of other men? Did your H give you those feelings? If so, how/why did they fade? Do you believe that you can recapture those feelings with your H? Or does it require outside attention to validate yourself?

 

Ones image comes solely from within.

[abdo]

Can marriage fulfill your everything?

Are you married?

How long?

 

There is no perfect marriage but mine is a happy one.

What are lacking ?

Chemistry & the thrills of passion & lust are lacking.

 

Sex is still good & regular with H but there are no sparks & new excitement in the bedroom. And as a wife, I can't keep demanding H to do this & do that because something I like, he might not like it & I should respect & love who he is.

 

H is my life partner and we have good partnership which is strong enough for us to grow old together.

 

And once again, my marriage has nothing to do with my affair. If my marriage is the main course, the affair will be the desert, which can be lived with or without.

 

A chocolate cake always makes you feel vivid & refreshed, but you won't die without having the cake and eat it.

 

I can also live without the desert but life is flat & plain.

 

Only if you are married 10 year +, you know what I mean.

 

Without an additional lover, life is incomplete...

 

I need a trusted & discreet friend who can talk about topics that can't be shared with family & close friends.

 

(I don't need anything physical with that friend.)

[bentnotbroken]

Life is only incomplete when you are incomplete. Nothing outside of one's self can fill that. Inner growth, maturity and facing the things that are wrong within yourself are the things that complete the growth process. You like where you are. Deal.

[abdo]

Cross-posted. And I'm on my IPhone so reading and typing is a bit of a chore.

 

I digress.

 

Do you only feel sexy with the attention of other men? Did your H give you those feelings? If so, how/why did they fade? Do you believe that you can recapture those feelings with your H? Or does it require outside attention to validate yourself?

 

Ones image comes solely from within.

 

What H can give me doesn't mean an outside man can give me.

 

What an outside man can provide doesn't mean H can provide.

 

Can I have some advice from someone who has an experience of an affair? Or someone who isn't against it.

[abdo]

Life is only incomplete when you are incomplete. Nothing outside of one's self can fill that. Inner growth, maturity and facing the things that are wrong within yourself are the things that complete the growth process. You like where you are. Deal.

 

Please be happy with your H and continue with your inner grow session.

 

I'm just a human who has a need wanting to be fulfilled.

 

And if my H doesn't worry about my inner growth, you can give the lecture to your own kids.

[bentnotbroken]

Please be happy with your H and continue with your inner grow session.

 

I'm just a human who has a need wanting to be fulfilled.

 

And if my H doesn't worry about my inner growth, you can give the lecture to your own kids.

 

 

If I were lecturing you...you and everyone else would know it.

[jwi71]

Can marriage fulfill your everything?

Are you married?

How long?

 

I D my xWW after 15 years of M and two kids.

Do I pass the test?

 

There is no perfect marriage but mine is a happy one.

What are lacking ?

Chemistry & the thrills of passion & lust are lacking.

 

And what did your H say when you two sat down to discuss this?

 

Sex is still good & regular with H but there are no sparks & new excitement in the bedroom. And as a wife, I can't keep demanding H to do this & do that because something I like, he might not like it & I should respect & love who he is.

 

Well, if you won't speak up to have your needs met its little wonder they aren't being met - ie, your H doesn't know you need "more". And that, based on what you write, is your fault. So speak up.

 

 

And once again, my marriage has nothing to do with my affair. If my marriage is the main course, the affair will be the desert, which can be lived with or without.

 

A chocolate cake always makes you feel vivid & refreshed, but you won't die without having the cake and eat it.

 

In one sense you are correct. The M seldom plays a significant role when one party cheats. On the other hand, should you decide to cheat it will have everything to do with your M. Including the ending of.

 

I can also live without the desert but life is flat & plain.

 

Only if you are married 10 year +, you know what I mean.

 

This is patently false. You would not refuse an operation merely because the doctor hadn't experienced the illness before.

 

Without an additional lover, life is incomplete...

 

Fair enough. Sit your H down and ask for an open M, one where you are each free to have other sexual partners.

 

I need a trusted & discreet friend who can talk about topics that can't be shared with family & close friends.

 

Well, that should a warning in and of itself that this is not the right thing to do. I mean, if you have to hide this from close friends, family and clearly your H - that should be a huge warning to stop. Whenever one requires secrecy for actions those actions are likely "wrong".

 

My advice is to not cheat. You risk so much for so little. I'd tell your H what you want and at least give him the opportunity to deliver.

 

But, it's your life and your choice.

Also your consequences.

[RickFox]

 

Can marriage fulfilled everything? Are you married?

There is no perfect marriage but mine is a happy one.

 

Chemistry & the thrills of passion & lust are lacking.

 

Sex is still good & regular with H but there are no sparks & new excitement in the bedroom.

 

And as a wife, I can't keep demanding H do this & do that because something I like, he might not like it & I should respect & love who he is. H is my life partner and we have good partnership which is strong enough for us to grow old together.

 

And once again, my marriage has nothing to do with my affair.

 

If my marriage is the main course, the affair will be the desert, which can be live with or without. A chocolate cake always makes you feel vivid & refresh.

 

However, I can also live without the desert but life is flat & plain.

 

Only if you are married 10 year +, you know what I mean.

 

Without an additional lover, life is incomplete.

 

So you obviously don't want to listen to anyone and want the thrill of the chase and when that isn't enough, you'll sleep with the guy, and he may or may not want more and when your H finds out ...well then...deal with it and all it brings.

 

Life is what you make of it, quit trying to justify it, you want someone to tell you to go have your cake and eat it too, well then, go do it, and realize whether emotional or physical, your actions have consequences, prepare to deal with them.

Edited March 28, 2012 by RickFox

[confusedinkansas]

I don't believe for a second that if someone has their mind made up - anyone here can change it.

 

The only advice I have for you is be careful.

Be careful that you don't let your emotions get the best of you, because it happens. You fall hopelessly in love & what once was an ok marriage is then a horrible one (because you'll see flaws that weren't there before).

Once you've vested enough time with the other man, whether you choose to sleep with him or not - it's still time vested.

 

THEN....there's the break up. Heartwrenching! is about the only word that comes to mind.

 

If you (& some can) Keep your heart out of it & keep a clear head - Emotional affairs are no biggie. (but EMOTIONAL isn't keeping your heart out of it) Physical ones are more difficult but you wouldn't be the first person that could sleep with someone that you don't have any feelings for.

 

I just hope you think long & hard before you do make the leap for the distraction you're looking for. It is fun, it is an adrenaline rush I won't lie to you. The aftermath though, can be very difficult to deal with - But like so many others - Time will heal! (I know I"m getting the cart in front of the horse & fast forwarding to the end)...........unless you have the desire to be with this other man 24/7 for the rest of your life & ditch your husband.......there will be an end - Sadly

[nofool4u]

Although I know I have done the right thing to go away from him but I feel lost, bored and anxious. So I created a new profile on an adult dating site, looking for chat friends only to kill the boredom and anxiety. But I'm not sure if I should find someone else to play a new chasing game to fill the gap?

 

Please give me some insights and advice.

 

You are wanting advice on cheating on your husband? Really?

 

Anyone worth their salt wouldn't entertain your disingenuous request for advice.

 

Do what you want. Cheaters always do.

[wannabdone]

I guess I am not understanding what you are asking. It seemed that your original post said you were wanting to know if you were just bored or whatever. Then you go on to explain why in detail you do it. So what is it that you are wanting to know exactly?

[East7]

Although I know I have done the right thing to go away from him but I feel lost, bored and anxious. So I created a new profile on an adult dating site, looking for chat friends only to kill the boredom and anxiety. But I'm not sure if I should find someone else to play a new chasing game to fill the gap?

 

Please give me some insights and advice.

 

I think my H doesn't mind if I want to chat online as long as I don't have sex with any guy for real. I'm playing within his limits.

 

Adult Dating sites are for people who look only for sex not for chit-chatting. It sounds like you have a secret agenda and you want to hear posters who would tell you that cheating your H is not a biggie, that marriages are boring etc etc..

 

Marriages are boredom and monotonous if you do nothing to put variety in it. It sounds like your H is doing nothing wrong, it is just that you want to feel desired by other men. A confident woman would be happy with her H's validation and would feel good if another guy would compliment her once in a while. An insecure and needy woman will always need other guys to tell her how sexy and pretty she is (which often escalates to a physical affair) because she will take her H for granted and she will look for other thrills to chase.

 

Get a life for yourself or else let your H free so you can chase all the men you want.

 

That's the difference between being single and being married. It is a CHOICE. You can't have both.

[MissBee]

If you have a void in you.....that says a lot.

 

I do not think a new man will fix it...it will only be a temporary distraction.

 

I have been there. Trust me.

 

I suggest you dig deeper, outside of adult dating sites and chatting, to find what is missing and how you can fill it in a manner not dependent on random internet men. I think so many people believe that once they marry their partner is there for their entertainment, to fulfill them and that they will never be bored ever again. This is not true. A relationship is only as good as you make it and consists of what you bring to it. Even when married, you need your own life, goals, dreams, activities, things that you do as a couple as well as alone to make you happy and fulfilled. I used to do the whole internet scene some years ago and deleted all those profiles and realized how empty and such a WASTE they were. They offered nothing substantial and were a distraction from stuff I needed to do for me, for real. Now, I can NEVER make myself make such a profile or see myself chatting it up on a dating site again...I have too much other stuff to do. Instead I do other things for real....I go on more useful forums, I'm in school so I clearly do my school work and my research, I hang with friends, read good books, go out, go to activities etc. I basically do things that benefit me for real versus entertain elaborate internet fantasies....and if I were married, I especially would not do that.

 

Do you have friends? What does a day in your life look like? How do you feel about yourself?

Edited March 29, 2012 by MissBee

[18Years2Late]

Ok...I'm breaking a promise to myself that I was just going to read for a while with no posting...but I can't resist...

 

Is this for real !?!?!?! I hope not...

 

Back to lurkdom now...