It's just boredom or I need someone to fill the gap?

[Gentlegirl2]

Life without desert, chocolate cake makes you feel alive and vivid???? Too much chocolate cake can be very very bad for you.

 

Hell, that is life a lot of the time, just flat and plain. Grow up. Get a job or volunteer in Africa for a while and see how good your life really is.

 

I have had an A . Somebody always gets hurt somehow. It's called consequences. Don't do it, then no consequences.

 

If you feel screwed up inside, get some counselling to find out why.

 

NObody is judging you, only giving you the benefit of experience as you requested.

 

 

GG

[abdo]

Thanks for all your honest comments & great input!

 

I wish I can reply to every one later. Before that, I feel I need to give more information here for I saw many misunderstandings.

 

We never have sex. We only met once for a cup of coffee 3 years ago.

We chatted a lot 3 years ago. Then the chatting times has been cut down to once in a while. We have known each other for 4+ years. (It's not a very short emotional affair)

 

Until recently, he stopped talking to me... (I think he freaked out when I told him I won't leave my H & he might want a real relationship.) He has a girlfriend but he told me there are many issues between them & they decide to split soon. Anyway, I don't know much about his personal life.

 

Looking back, I gained many things from my other man in the past 4 + years.

 

Chemistry, sparks, wonderful connection. Inspiration, motivation, energy, excitement, the thrills of the heart pumping fast. memories of happy talk.

 

Fantastic feelings: Feeling desired, feeling young & sexy, feeling worthwhile.

 

I can go on & on... those things clearly that my H can't give me because he provides something else for me, also very significant that the other man can't provide.

 

I have asked of H many times. He tried to give me what I wanted, but it's not quite the same and it's not natural.

I realized that everyone has a style & I can't insist in changing a man especially, he's a good man who has done his responsibilities as a husband. I don't want to push him to give out more. He doesn't mind, (of course he hoped not) my EA with the other man.

 

I know my EA won't be a reason for him to divorce me but if I have sex with any guy, then I'm really risking my marriage.

 

My husband knows who exactly the other man is. He has his facebook but H never wants to contact him. H gave me a limit to play within & H doesn't want to be informed how the game goes unless it's getting serious, such as, EA becomes a PA.

 

Conclusion?

 

Having both men around, it made my life complete.

 

So if a chocolate cake can give me so many things beyond what a marriage can offer, I should work harder for it, not running away from it.

 

Everything became clear now I don't think I need distractions from other men on adult friendfinder site.

 

I need to get my other man back...

 

I don't where this EA is gonna lead me, and I certainly don't know about future other than getting my cake back & eat it.

Maybe after eating the chocolate cake I might gain some weights or I will have other problems. I will take care of the issues when they happen.

 

In the end of the EA, the hearts would be wrenching... It's been already wrenching. Nothing can go worse than now.

Edited March 29, 2012 by abdo

[Afishwithabike]

*yawn*

 

Troll

 

You were on another relationship forum. Same story. Got banned there. Guess you decided LS was the place to visit next.

[Gentlegirl2]

Thought this one was troll material.

[abdo]

*yawn*

 

Troll

 

You were on another relationship forum. Same story. Got banned there. Guess you decided LS was the place to visit next.

 

 

 

 

I have sympathy for loyal spouses on that board because I know they're hurting. Basically, a forum like that has its valuable reason for LS to get together to vent and cope with infidelity.

 

It's just not a right place for someone like me to go & comment on their threads, for they don't need any comments that are looking from a cheating spouse's point of views.

 

Because they're looking for sympathy and support, they don't need a cheating spouse to go there and talk.

 

If I were there telling them how much remorseful I'm now, I would stay in that forum, instead of being kicked out.

 

Sorry, I just can't lie to my own consciousness, which were "troll" in their point of views.

 

 

A side note:

 

I didn't even have a chance to share my own EA story yet, I had already got kicked out by that forum.

 

You found me because I use the same ID here. I don't see there's a need to hide or change who I am or what I think.

 

All my views about marriage, infidelity, affair, cheating... at this phrase of life, no matter on which forum, are all consistant.

Edited March 29, 2012 by abdo

[abdo]

Thought this one was troll material.

 

You have to visit the forum by yourself. Search my ID, abdo, and see if you can find my EA story.

 

You won't.

 

LS on that forum strongly wanted me to feel shamed and remorseful about my cheating, which was a very interesting manipulation of my mind.

[abdo]

I D my xWW after 15 years of M and two kids.

Do I pass the test?

 

 

 

And what did your H say when you two sat down to discuss this?

 

 

 

Well, if you won't speak up to have your needs met its little wonder they aren't being met - ie, your H doesn't know you need "more". And that, based on what you write, is your fault. So speak up.

 

 

 

 

In one sense you are correct. The M seldom plays a significant role when one party cheats. On the other hand, should you decide to cheat it will have everything to do with your M. Including the ending of.

 

I can also live without the desert but life is flat & plain.

 

 

 

This is patently false. You would not refuse an operation merely because the doctor hadn't experienced the illness before.

 

 

 

Fair enough. Sit your H down and ask for an open M, one where you are each free to have other sexual partners.

 

 

 

Well, that should a warning in and of itself that this is not the right thing to do. I mean, if you have to hide this from close friends, family and clearly your H - that should be a huge warning to stop. Whenever one requires secrecy for actions those actions are likely "wrong".

 

My advice is to not cheat. You risk so much for so little. I'd tell your H what you want and at least give him the opportunity to deliver.

 

But, it's your life and your choice.

Also your consequences.

 

You adivced me not to eat the cake that I would like to work for because you believe that if I want the cake, I should end my main course first. Because you believe that people can't have both.

 

Yes, I know many people are doing like this:

 

No matter what happened in marriage, good or bad, exciting or plain, if they can make a change, they try to change it, but if no change after many attempts, they will either just suck it up and don't cheat, or leave their spouses and get divorced.

 

I just don't like that method, nor do I believe it works better.

Edited March 29, 2012 by abdo

[abdo]

So you obviously don't want to listen to anyone and want the thrill of the chase and when that isn't enough, you'll sleep with the guy, and he may or may not want more and when your H finds out ...well then...deal with it and all it brings.

 

Life is what you make of it, quit trying to justify it, you want someone to tell you to go have your cake and eat it too, well then, go do it, and realize whether emotional or physical, your actions have consequences, prepare to deal with them.

 

I listen to everyone here & I appreciated the input & exchanged of thoughts & views although I might not agree with all of them.

 

I know if I would sleep with the other man one day, I know my H would never forgive me. He has set a line for me to play within his limits.

 

If I intend to cross that line, I will inform H.

 

Because my H is a good H, he deserves to be informed when I'm about to go cross his red line.

 

By that time, my H has a right to decide if he wants his future with me as his wife or without me.

[abdo]

I don't believe for a second that if someone has their mind made up - anyone here can change it.

 

The only advice I have for you is be careful.

Be careful that you don't let your emotions get the best of you, because it happens. You fall hopelessly in love & what once was an ok marriage is then a horrible one (because you'll see flaws that weren't there before).

Once you've vested enough time with the other man, whether you choose to sleep with him or not - it's still time vested.

 

THEN....there's the break up. Heartwrenching! is about the only word that comes to mind.

 

If you (& some can) Keep your heart out of it & keep a clear head - Emotional affairs are no biggie. (but EMOTIONAL isn't keeping your heart out of it) Physical ones are more difficult but you wouldn't be the first person that could sleep with someone that you don't have any feelings for.

 

I just hope you think long & hard before you do make the leap for the distraction you're looking for. It is fun, it is an adrenaline rush I won't lie to you. The aftermath though, can be very difficult to deal with - But like so many others - Time will heal! (I know I"m getting the cart in front of the horse & fast forwarding to the end)...........unless you have the desire to be with this other man 24/7 for the rest of your life & ditch your husband.......there will be an end - Sadly

 

 

This is a great advice & insightful! Thanks!

My desire is to have the other man around only once in a while.

 

Chatting to me once in a while, so I can take a breath of the fresh air to feel recharged and motivated.

 

Hence, no point to ditch my H or to end with anyone here.

[abdo]

Thank you for all your sincere & honest comments & advice!

 

I have figured and have made a choice not to have any other guys from AFF to fill my gap & void.

 

I would try to communicate with my OM again and get him back to my life, instead of ending everything with him.

 

Although I have no idea about the future, because nobody really knows, I just need to get my cake back & eat it and follow the flow.

 

My H is still my life partner. I won't leave him unless he wants to.

[SoMovinOn]

I think my H doesn't mind if I want to chat online as long as I don't have sex with any guy for real. I'm playing within his limits.

 

Is it that you *think* you're playing in his limits, or do you know it for a fact? In reading some of your responses, you say your M is a happy one, so ... I would think it prudent to make sure.

 

The situation with the man you knew was different in that he wasn't all that interested. The men you find on an online dating site generally are looking for sex, sex, sex - online and in person. The caliber of these men ... well, they have to look online for sex, right?

 

Of course, what *you* do is always within your control, but, just know you'll be playing with fire. Not getting burned (i.e. end up doing the wrong thing, crossing lines) will be more difficult.

[findingnemo]

What exactly is your marriage lacking? That's what you need to figure out. You can't fix it, or consider leaving/moving on, until you know. I would definitely consider counselling.[/quote

 

Can marriage fulfilled everything? Are you married?

There is no perfect marriage but mine is a happy one.

 

Chemistry & the thrills of passion & lust are lacking.

 

Sex is still good & regular with H but there are no sparks & new excitement in the bedroom.

 

And as a wife, I can't keep demanding H do this & do that because something I like, he might not like it & I should respect & love who he is. H is my life partner and we have good partnership which is strong enough for us to grow old together.

 

And once again, my marriage has nothing to do with my affair.

 

If my marriage is the main course, the affair will be the desert, which can be live with or without. A chocolate cake always makes you feel vivid & refresh.

 

However, I can also live without the desert but life is flat & plain.

 

Only if you are married 10 year +, you know what I mean.

 

Without an additional lover, life is incomplete.

 

I'm sorry I'm coming in bit late but... Is this a joke? Your M is the main course and an A dessert? Equivalent to chocolate cake? an additional lover to make life complete? Seriously?

[abdo]

Is it that you *think* you're playing in his limits, or do you know it for a fact? In reading some of your responses, you say your M is a happy one, so ... I would think it prudent to make sure.

 

The situation with the man you knew was different in that he wasn't all that interested. The men you find on an online dating site generally are looking for sex, sex, sex - online and in person. The caliber of these men ... well, they have to look online for sex, right?

 

Of course, what *you* do is always within your control, but, just know you'll be playing with fire. Not getting burned (i.e. end up doing the wrong thing, crossing lines) will be more difficult.

 

I believe many of them only want sex when many also want affection & friendship.

 

No matter what they want , I'm not interested in sex but only chat.

 

 

I'm not looking for anything physical.

[abdo]

 

I'm sorry I'm coming in bit late but... Is this a joke? Your M is the main course and an A dessert? Equivalent to chocolate cake? an additional lover to make life complete? Seriously?

 

 

Honestly yes...

 

Marriage is like the regular meals when affairs works like deserts/cakes

 

When you have both, you feel balanced but I don't know about physical affairs.

Mine is an emotional one.

[nofool4u]

I need to get my other man back...

 

So disrespect your husband and get him back then. Do what you want. We aren't going to validate your unscrupulous desires.

[nofool4u]

I have sympathy for loyal spouses on that board because I know they're hurting. Basically, a forum like that has its valuable reason for LS to get together to vent and cope with infidelity.

 

You aren't coping with infidelity. You are wanting infidelity.

[nofool4u]

Because my H is a good H, he deserves to be informed when I'm about to go cross his red line.

 

 

No, he deserves a woman that doesn't intend to cross that line

 

He deserves a good woman. So why not set him free to find one.

[wannabdone]

I believe many of them only want sex when many also want affection & friendship.

 

No matter what they want , I'm not interested in sex but only chat.

 

 

I'm not looking for anything physical.

 

 

I hear what you are saying. But you must know (as everyone does) that the natural progression, which is human nature, is that chat isn't enough forever. We become more and more involved with a person, and thus want more and more. And as that natural progression of more and more goes down its twisted road, the more and more you will have a tendency to demonize your life partner and H, to make yourself okay with what is going on. You have to know that will happen.

 

Also, when a man starts chatting with another woman, especially a woman who is married, do you think he is just there for chatting? Don't you think he has in his mind he wants more? Men could care less to text b/f all day telling someone how beautiful they are. If they do it, its because they are wanting only one thing. So you will probably find yourself rolling through one guy after another, which I can't think would be good for anyone.

 

You are finding pieces of people to make you complete. Your H provides you financial, etc. OM provide you with emotional, the spark (as you say), excitment. You combine these people together and you have all your needs meet. I do not know how to put this but blunt, and I do not mean this hateful. But, if you can not get from your H all of the things that you need to make yourself feel complete, then your M is doomed. Not to say that M is perfect and happy and fun all the time. But do I think you can find someone who has all the qualities you want, and you should find that person? YES!

 

I would try IC. Find what it is with in you that your missing. Figure out what you want. Try MC with your H. See if you guys can't give eachother everything you need. And if you can't, D eachother. Your not meant to be together. Your H deserves someone who adores him, and you deserve someone who adores you, and you both deserve someone who fulfills everything for eachother.

 

One question, since your H allows you to do this. Do you allow him to do the same? can he go on date sites and chat with other women? Can he go meet them for coffee, etc? Are you okay with that sincero?

[jwi71]

Adbo,

 

Dunno if you'll be back to read this.

 

Honestly, given what you have posted, I'm not sure you are in the right place here. You aren't having an EA - not if you have fully informed your H to the breadth and depth of your feelings for the OM.

 

And since you say you have, you cannot be cheating. Its just a form of open M.

 

So I'm not sure you have done anything "wrong" - at least in regards to your M. The flip to this is the harm you inflict on the OM's GF. You ARE hurting her - she just doesn't know it. Consider that as you go forward, no one operates in a vacuum and your actions ripple in often unexpected ways.

 

I would also be wary of your boundaries. These have a habit of slipping over time. First its, well its just a hug. Then a peck on the cheek. Then an innocent kiss. And before you know it...intercourse. I know, it won't happen to you. Well, they all say that. Be very mindful and careful.

 

I would find another avenue but its clear you wont.

[SoMovinOn]

I believe many of them only want sex when many also want affection & friendship.

 

No matter what they want , I'm not interested in sex but only chat.

 

 

I'm not looking for anything physical.

 

Understood ... I was just saying, be careful.

[abdo]

jwi 71 & wannabedone, I value your advice.

To answer your question, my H was a gold member of adult dating site. He stopped in OCT2011.

 

If he wants to have fun, I'm not so selfish to lock him in the cage. My limit is he can'tbring troubles back home. For example, the OW called him at wee hours was gone over my limit...

 

And he must not practice unprotected sex. However, he has played within my limits, most chatting & EA. He had a PA with an OW awho gave a blow job so far...

[bentnotbroken]

This is and has always been an open marriage. What is wrong with stating that up front and you would have gotten different advice. Something seems almost like an experimenter asking questions for a paper.

[findingnemo]

Where are you from? Perhaps this is a cultural thing although to my knowledge no culture allows women to have lovers outside of M. This would be the first.

[abdo]

Thanks for your comments!

 

Today I have made a decision

 

My EA has come to an end & my sorrow is tremendous.

I need some time to adjust & heal.

 

I'm not interested in finding other lovers to fill the gap.

 

I think I will take your advice here to be the wife that my H deserves.

 

As for his fooling around in the past, let bygones be bygones.

 

Therefore, I will live in a life without having any cake & eat it. Life will a bit plain but I will enjoy the peace in mind.

 

Thanks again!

[stillafool]

Why the sudden change of heart?