Feel Like I'm Losing my Soul Mate...

[KeepMeInMind]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take the time to read all this. It is very important to get the whole picture before I ask my question! Please don't close this thread just because you don't want to read it. Please!!!!!

 

Let me first preface this by saying the man I love and I did a very bad thing. I know it, he knows it, we are remorseful. Please, no more shame..we have enough.

 

Now, let me explain my side of it. I've been with a verbally abusive man for the last 12 years. He can also be very sweet and kind, and that is why I stayed for so long. I wanted out when he repeatedly put himself before a dying loved one of mine and was just not there for me whatsoever. I no longer loved him.

 

The other man's side. He was unhappy, but not for any particular reason, just something was missing. He married his wife for the wrong reasons, but stayed with her because it was good enough. She was a good friend to him. But wasn't always there for him as a wife, like going with him to funerals or making him talk when he would come home upset about work. He loved her, and she loved him.

 

The 4 of us had all been friends, but mostly the friendship was between me, my husband, and the other man, and only recently (but with much less contact still) with other wife. The friendship between myself and the other man blossomed. We just clicked. I told him that this was a bad thing, to have feelings for each other when we were both married. I warned him it would only end in heartache. I protected my heart. Yet we both still fell fast and hard in love.

 

Then, all the crazy coincidences. We would text each other the exact same thing at the exact same time, and it would have nothing to do with the current topic. One of us would text the other a line from a song, and the other would be listening to that song on the radio at that very moment. We woke up in the middle of the night at the same time many nights (we would text each other when we woke up during the night). One time I cracked a joke about me having his best friend kick him in the kneecap for me. I had never joked about that before. That same night, I'm looking through the guide on my TV, see Friends, which I hadn't watched in years, and turn it on, and it is that exact episode. THIS KIND OF STUFF HAPPENED EVERY SINGLE DAY. I stopped believing in higher powers, fate, etc a long time ago, but this SCREAMED exactly that. I told him we were slapping fate in the face if we weren't together.

 

We debated what to tell our spouses. Do it the right way and just leave, but risk having the spouse insist on "working it out," or doing the honest thing, telling them everything, be able to make clean breaks, but then live with having hurt them like that, the shame of being labeled a cheater (this was new to both of us...not in either of our characters at all, despite what most people think of someone who has cheated). Long story short, we went the honest route. He told his wife first. I told my husband a few days later. The other guy was miserable alone and insisted I come be with him rather than me going to a family member's house for a while. So two days after telling my husband, and 5 days after him telling his wife, I moved to be with him.

 

The first week was great. But then she never stopped telling him how poorly she was doing. She didn't stop sending pics and stories about the pets she refused to let him have. (NO KIDS!!! But he is VERY much an animal person, and his pets are his kids..I'm the same way, too) She guilt tripped him every single day, quoting things from their wedding, reminding him he promised her they would grow old together. How could either of them possibly move on like that????

 

Fast forward 3 weeks. Three full weeks of us living together and her communicating like that, and he finally broke down. He came home sobbing. He said he felt that he owed it to her to try to make it work. He needed closure. Either to try to make it work or for her to tell him she didn't want to. But either way, he wanted to be alone for a while. I'm devastated. I thought if this was going to happen, it would happen in those first 5 days before me coming up. He made himself sick that night, literally. He could not stand to hurt me, but it was also killing him to have hurt her. Despite the way this went down, he is an honorable man. A man of his word. That is the only reason he is doing this..guilt over the commitment he made. He wants me...that is not my assumption. He told me repeatedly.

 

So 3 days later, I left my soulmate so he could try to make it work with his wife. Last night I ate a few bites of food for the first time in 5 days. I can barely function. I am having a numb moment long enough to post this.

 

My question is, what are your thoughts or experiences with this scenario? How likely is it to work out between them? How likely is it that he will follow his heart rather than his guilt??? Please be honest!

 

My thinking is this...she knows it wasn't a one time mistake. He loved me and wanted to be with me enough to leave a 12 year marriage. So how could she ever possibly get past that? Won't she always be wondering if he still loves me? If he's thinking of me? When he leaves for trips, is he really going to visit me? And likewise, I feel he could never get past wondering what might have been, when HE ADMITS HE KNOWS life would be great with me, and that fate brought is together.

Edited March 28, 2012 by KeepMeInMind

[woinlove]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take the time to read all this. It is very important to get the whole picture before I ask my question! Please don't close this thread just because you don't want to read it. Please!!!!!

 

Let me first preface this by saying the man I love and I did a very bad thing. I know it, he knows it, we are remorseful. Please, no more shame..we have enough.

 

Now, let me explain my side of it. I've been with a verbally abusive man for the last 12 years. He can also be very sweet and kind, and that is why I stayed for so long. I wanted out when he repeatedly put himself before a dying loved one of mine and was just not there for me whatsoever. I no longer loved him.

 

The other man's side. He was unhappy, but not for any particular reason, just something was missing. He married his wife for the wrong reasons, but stayed with her because it was good enough. She was a good friend to him. But wasn't always there for him as a wife, like going with him to funerals or making him talk when he would come home upset about work. He loved her, and she loved him.

 

The 4 of us had all been friends, but mostly the friendship was between me, my husband, and the other man, and only recently (but with much less contact still) with other wife. The friendship between myself and the other man blossomed. We just clicked. I told him that this was a bad thing, to have feelings for each other when we were both married. I warned him it would only end in heartache. I protected my heart. Yet we both still fell fast and hard in love.

 

Then, all the crazy coincidences. We would text each other the exact same thing at the exact same time, and it would have nothing to do with the current topic. One of us would text the other a line from a song, and the other would be listening to that song on the radio at that very moment. We woke up in the middle of the night at the same time many nights (we would text each other when we woke up during the night). One time I cracked a joke about me having his best friend kick him in the kneecap for me. I had never joked about that before. That same night, I'm looking through the guide on my TV, see Friends, which I hadn't watched in years, and turn it on, and it is that exact episode. THIS KIND OF STUFF HAPPENED EVERY SINGLE DAY. I stopped believing in higher powers, fate, etc a long time ago, but this SCREAMED exactly that. I told him we were slapping fate in the face if we weren't together.

 

We debated what to tell our spouses. Do it the right way and just leave, but risk having the spouse insist on "working it out," or doing the honest thing, telling them everything, be able to make clean breaks, but then live with having hurt them like that, the shame of being labeled a cheater (this was new to both of us...not in either of our characters at all, despite what most people think of someone who has cheated). Long story short, we went the honest route. He told his wife first. I told my husband a few days later. The other guy was miserable alone and insisted I come be with him rather than me going to a family member's house for a while. So two days after telling my husband, and 5 days after him telling his wife, I moved to be with him.

 

The first week was great. But then she never stopped telling him how poorly she was doing. She didn't stop sending pics and stories about the pets she refused to let him have. (NO KIDS!!! But he is VERY much an animal person, and his pets are his kids..I'm the same way, too) She guilt tripped him every single day, quoting things from their wedding, reminding him he promised her they would grow old together. How could either of them possibly move on like that????

 

Fast forward 3 weeks. Three full weeks of us living together and her communicating like that, and he finally broke down. He came home sobbing. He said he felt that he owed it to her to try to make it work. He needed closure. Either to try to make it work or for her to tell him she didn't want to. But either way, he wanted to be alone for a while. I'm devastated. I thought if this was going to happen, it would happen in those first 5 days before me coming up. He made himself sick that night, literally. He could not stand to hurt me, but it was also killing him to have hurt her. Despite the way this went down, he is an honorable man. A man of his word. That is the only reason he is doing this..guilt over the commitment he made. He wants me...that is not my assumption. He told me repeatedly.

 

So 3 days later, I left my soulmate so he could try to make it work with his wife. Last night I ate a few bites of food for the first time in 5 days. I can barely function. I am having a numb moment long enough to post this.

 

My question is, what are your thoughts or experiences with this scenario? How likely is it to work out between them? How likely is it that he will follow his heart rather than his guilt??? Please be honest!

 

My thinking is this...she knows it wasn't a one time mistake. He loved me and wanted to be with me enough to leave a 12 year marriage. So how could she ever possibly get past that? Won't she always be wondering if he still loves me? If he's thinking of me? When he leaves for trips, is he really going to visit me? And likewise, I feel he could never get past wondering what might have been, when HE ADMITS HE KNOWS life would be great with me, and that fate brought is together.

 

"follow his heart rather than his guilt"? Those are all mixed up in affairs and very difficult to sort out - it could take years of therapy to sort out. Sometimes people stay with an AP out of guilt, feeling they no longer deserve their faithful spouse, or feeling the AP left their own M for them and they owe them. I don't think things are so simple in an A involving two marriages, and probably what really matters is actions. Right now he is with his W. It may work out or it may not. In the end, you have to decide what you want to do, whether you want to wait for XX amount of time, what XX is for you, etc. As to trying to get into the W's head, she will likely feel an entire rollercoaster of feelings and that isn't so easy to sort out either.

 

Personally, I don't think there is a higher being choosing songs on the radio at certain times in order to promote secret affairs. His W may not believe this either. Certainly what her H did is going to hurt her to the core and whether she forgives and keeps her love for him depends on a lot of factors and is not very easy to predict. One often doesn't know the answer to that for a year or so. They probably need professional counselling to help them sort out their feelings and what they really want.

 

Meanwhile, focus on you and what you want now that he is with his W. There are no guarantees but if you feel you will be happiest waiting for some time to see how things settle out, then that is your decision. At some point, he may come back to you or you may be ready to move on.

[Angelina527]

"The first week was great. But then she never stopped telling him how poorly she was doing. She didn't stop sending pics and stories about the pets she refused to let him have. (NO KIDS!!! But he is VERY much an animal person, and his pets are his kids..I'm the same way, too) She guilt tripped him every single day, quoting things from their wedding, reminding him he promised her they would grow old together. How could either of them possibly move on like that????"

 

She's not guilt tripping, she's fighting for her 12 year marriage. Do you think she should just walk away?

[KeepMeInMind]

He is actually alone right now and not with either of us, but he has told her he wants to try again. She did not say whether she wanted to or not, over the course of a few hours that he was there. I feel she could decide either way. He just wants some closure...either to hear her say she is not interested in trying again, or to actually try and see what happens.

 

Either way, he is alone now, and will not move back in with her at the time that they do whatever it is they intend to do. Nothing to do with this plan, but he said he feels like a total stranger in that house, like he never lived there. Even asked permission to use the restroom like it was a stranger's house.

 

I didn't believe in any kind of higher powers either. I feel like if you saw and experienced what we did on a daily basis you would feel differently.

[KeepMeInMind]

"The first week was great. But then she never stopped telling him how poorly she was doing. She didn't stop sending pics and stories about the pets she refused to let him have. (NO KIDS!!! But he is VERY much an animal person, and his pets are his kids..I'm the same way, too) She guilt tripped him every single day, quoting things from their wedding, reminding him he promised her they would grow old together. How could either of them possibly move on like that????"

 

She's not guilt tripping, she's fighting for her 12 year marriage. Do you think she should just walk away?

 

 

Oh gosh, I am sorry for how that was worded. I do not think she was intentionally guilt tripping him. I only meant that him hearing about how hard of a time she was having at such and such moment was hard on him in that way. I don't think either party could move on by doing that, having daily contact. When he would tell me about her reminding him of his promises, he implied it was said to make him feel bad, not to try to draw him back. I am sorry..my mind is terribly jumbled. I hope I am making sense.

 

All I keep hearing in my mind is "I owe it to her" not "saving my marriage is what I want." He has always been extremely open and honest with me, even if that means hurting me, yet those were the words he repeatedly used.

[KeepMeInMind]

My first post was a copy and paste from somewhere else that I had typed this out, and I just realized a lot was edited. Let me please edit the first post! It goes right from me joking about his friend kicking him in the kneecap to a tv episode and those were two completely different events. argh.

[findingnemo]

Well...here's a couple of people who did things right! That is a good start for you, KMIM.

 

What you have to do now is wait it out. Wait for him to end his M and don't push him. I think he will end it but is feeling torn and confused about what's going on. It will be hard but you probably have no choice.

[KeepMeInMind]

The other man's side. He was unhappy, but not for any particular reason, just something was missing. He married his wife for the wrong reasons (he asked her to marry him bc she had been in a terrible accident and felt bad about herself), but stayed with her because it was good enough. She was a good friend to him. But wasn't always there for him as a wife, like going with him to funerals or making him talk when he would come home upset about work. He loved her, and she loved him.

 

....snip....

 

Then, all the crazy coincidences. We would text each other the exact same thing at the exact same time, and it would have nothing to do with the current topic. One of us would text the other a line from a song, and the other would be listening to that song on the radio at that very moment. We woke up in the middle of the night at the same time many nights (we would text each other when we woke up during the night). One time I cracked a joke about me having his best friend kick him in the shin for me. I had never joked about that before. I had no idea that he had a huge bruise on his shin from that same friend actually kicking him in the shin the day before. If any of you used to watch Friends, you know the episode where Phoebe is talking about how everyone has a lobster (they mate for life, etc "he's her lobster" episode). I'd been meaning to say that to him, that he was my lobster, so one morning I finally did. That same night, I'm looking through the guide on my TV, see Friends, which I hadn't watched in years, and turn it on, and it is that exact episode. THIS KIND OF STUFF HAPPENED EVERY SINGLE DAY. These are just a few examples. Everyday was a moment of "Holy crap, did that just really happen??" Completely unexplainable things. I stopped believing in higher powers, fate, etc a long time ago, but this SCREAMED exactly that. I told him we were slapping fate in the face if we weren't together.

 

My birthday was a couple months ago. He asked me what I wanted. I told him all I wanted was to see him on my birthday. He drove 8 hours to see me for a few hours (not in a hotel, in a public place, where we just spent time together, talking, etc) and drove 8 hours back. That day, he told me he had never had these strong of feelings for anyone, ever.

 

....snip....

 

Fast forward 3 weeks. Three full weeks of us living together and her communicating like that, and he finally broke down. He came home sobbing. He was so upset at having to hurt me in this process he got physically sick. We both cried for 3 days straight. He said he felt that he owed it to her to try to make it work. He needed closure. Either to try to make it work or for her to tell him she didn't want to. But either way, he wanted to be alone for a while. I'm devastated. I thought if this was going to happen, it would happen in those first 5 days before me coming up. He made himself sick that night, literally. He could not stand to hurt me, but it was also killing him to have hurt her. Despite the way this went down, he is an honorable man. A man of his word. That is the only reason he is doing this..guilt over the commitment he made. He wants me...that is not my assumption. He told me repeatedly.

[KeepMeInMind]

Thank you, nemo! As long as my first post is, it is nowhere near detailed enough.

 

I'm not trying to downplay their marriage. I am not. Just painting a clear picture. He married her for the wrong reasons. They never had any reason to split, they never fought because they never really talked. They don't have that much in common. They have very separate lives. They both go on long trips without the other because they don't even care if the other person is going, and the other doesn't care about being left behind. I know everyone needs time to themselves, I do. But days or a week at a time, several times a year? Without any kind of missing each other or wishing the other was there? Seems weird. I would want my best friend with me on trips, wouldn't you? Isn't that the point??

 

Anyway, like I said. There is just something missing there. If they had a perfectly happy marriage, and he was just looking to hook up, I would have never in a million years gotten involved. I even told him in the beginning that I really liked him (we were friends), and that starting this was going to be very difficult. Let's try to just be friends. So we both were TRYING to not have stronger feelings. We really were.

[CarrieT]

Regardless of the coincidences, it doesn't matter if he married her for the wrong reasons or that their marriage isn't perfect. You don't need to spell out all the coincidences why YOU think you two belong together. They are irrelevant because he is home with her and not with you. Your first post was detailed enough - trust me. You don't need to elaborate at all.

 

What matters is that he gave her twelve years and feels a responsibility to try and work it out. You don't know what is going on in his brain and perhaps he is now communicating with her all those things he is feeling that made him go to you in the first place. The point is - you just don't know and until he communicates with you, all you have is what YOU create in your mind about his situation.

 

Until such time that he makes a decision about his future, there is nothing you can do other than take care of yourself. Do those things that make you whole on your own - without him. He may not be back and you may never know why...

[frozensprouts]

( my post may sound cruel to you, and for that, i apologize)

 

It really sounds to me like you are in a state of , for lack of a better term, infatuation/limerance...

 

I figure i can safely say we've pretty much all been there...

 

But the problem is that you are assigning way too much meaning to things and not looking at the situation with any sort of logic...

 

I know the feelings of infatuation are pretty great, but by not looking at your situation from a logical point of view, you are leading yourself wide open to be really hurt...

 

My best advice to you would be to leave this guy alone to figure out what he wants...and remember the old addage often brought up here...you may feel like you really know him, that he's being totally honest with you, and that you know everything about his life and how he's thinking and feeling...but you don't. It really doesn't know like he himself even knows what he wants, which makes it pretty difficult for you to know. He needs time to sort it all out,and you may or may not end up together at the end of it all.

 

and remember...an awful lot of married guys who have affairs say they're going to leave, at least until their wife tells them to go...then, all of a sudden, they want to stay

 

what I am really saying is to guard yourself from being hurt...if he really does leave, make sure it's because it's what he really wants and not because of you. Don't put your life on hold to wait for him...live your life and be happy.

[2sunny]

Since you don't love your H - go ahead and divorce him.

 

Unfortunately, you are now at the mercy of what your cake eating man decides.

 

Why not find out how to be happy all on your own? You CAN do this!

 

You need balance... You have handed too much power to your MM.

 

He needs to decide and decide now! Making two women wait for his answer is cruel. Remember that he can be cruel... Because he is.

 

Goblets wishes for YOU to do the right thing for YOU!

[youngster]

My ex and I developed in similar circumstances, it was uncanny how well we got along, how much we relate and complimented one another. I was apprehensive to get involved at first but went in head first anyway. Look where it landed me. You can't unpack years of emotions and feelings for a SO in a matter of days, I've learned that people can numb them, bury them, and ignore them rapping on the door but sooner or later feelings will surface. Accept that they were together so long for a reason. History is history. Believe me I have never connected with anyone like I did with my ex, so I know how you feel.

[mercy]

Thank you, nemo! As long as my first post is, it is nowhere near detailed enough.

 

I'm not trying to downplay their marriage. I am not. Just painting a clear picture. He married her for the wrong reasons. They never had any reason to split, they never fought because they never really talked. They don't have that much in common. They have very separate lives. They both go on long trips without the other because they don't even care if the other person is going, and the other doesn't care about being left behind. I know everyone needs time to themselves, I do. But days or a week at a time, several times a year? Without any kind of missing each other or wishing the other was there? Seems weird. I would want my best friend with me on trips, wouldn't you? Isn't that the point??

 

Anyway, like I said. There is just something missing there. If they had a perfectly happy marriage, and he was just looking to hook up, I would have never in a million years gotten involved. I even told him in the beginning that I really liked him (we were friends), and that starting this was going to be very difficult. Let's try to just be friends. So we both were TRYING to not have stronger feelings. We really were.

 

All this analyzing their marriage must be exhausting for you. Stop it. You only think you know their marriage, you don't.

 

Be your own soul mate. Making another your soul mate puts a lot of pressure on you and them to perform.

 

It isn't a man that makes you feel all those wonderful feelings, that comes from within you.

 

Taste freedom for awhile. He may not look so 'soul mate' to you.

[KeepMeInMind]

Thanks, everyone. First off, like I said, I didn't believe in Disney/Hollywood/fairy tale crap like fate and soul mates. I didn't force these feelings on myself.

 

Second, regarding my divorce, we went to the courthouse and filed together before I left. MM's wife also filed in that first week. Went to a lawyer in the first few days and had everything drawn up to be filed later that week.

 

I know I have to let go and see how it all pans out, and I am. It's just extremely hard at the moment. There is no more communication between us (nor is there communication between them, for now).

 

Thanks again, guys. I wish some of you would share a bit of your stories (your in this particular section for a reason), too. But you don't have to.

[sc58]

KeepMeInMind, I was in a very similar situation as yours and believe me, it was the biggest heartbreak of my life. After a week of bliss together after he had moved out of his home, my MM told me he needed to try and work things out with his wife. He said the same things your MM is telling you now. That he owed it to her to at least try because of the promises and vows he made. I too, felt like she was "guilt-tripping" him, because he felt an enormous amount of guilt. But as other people said, she was just trying to save their marriage and the life they had built together. I naively thought she would just let him go because like your MM, they married for the wrong reasons, lived separate lives, were more like roommates than a couple, etc...

 

I tried to persuade him that guilt alone would not save a marriage, but while he said he loved me and wanted to be with me, he wouldn't budge and went back home to her that day. It was honestly the worst day of my life.

 

That was over a year ago. I'm not telling you this story to get your hopes up, but just a week later, he told me he was wrong, that was no way their marriage would work and now he knew for sure. A couple months later, she moved out and a couple more months after that, they filed for divorce. We are now living together and quite happy. I say "quite" because I am not "completely" happy. The last part of your post struck me because I thought the same things during the week we were apart:

 

My thinking is this...she knows it wasn't a one time mistake. He loved me and wanted to be with me enough to leave a 12 year marriage. So how could she ever possibly get past that? Won't she always be wondering if he still loves me? If he's thinking of me? When he leaves for trips, is he really going to visit me? And likewise, I feel he could never get past wondering what might have been, when HE ADMITS HE KNOWS life would be great with me, and that fate brought is together.

 

It's funny that now similar thoughts run through my head. While they are getting a divorce, I still think...What if he had never met me, would he still have gotten a divorce? What if he decides he made a mistake and wants to get back together with her, it happened before. When he has to talk to her because of their daughter, will she try and get him back again? Does he miss her?

 

I imagine you may have similar thoughts running through your mind if he decides to be with you. These thoughts haunt me, sometimes all day, and it makes it impossible to be fully and completely happy with MM. It's tough because I feel that because he left his marriage for me (hopefully not solely for that reason), I have to be this perfect girlfriend or else he might leave me too...We are going to start therapy next week, both individually and as a couple, so I am hoping it will help.

 

I guess what I am basically trying to say that even if he decides to be with you, it's not going to be easy and it definitely won't be all sunshine and rainbows just because you get to be with your "soulmate." I wasn't married, so I don't have that aspect to deal with, which adds a lot more complications and drama, but I noticed you did not mention how things are going with your husband. How is he dealing with the news? Are you filing for divorce? What if your MM chooses to stay with his wife? Will you stay with your husband as well?

[KeepMeInMind]

You're* in here for some reason. Spelling and grammar nerd can't stand to leave it alone. haha

Edited March 28, 2012 by KeepMeInMind

[KeepMeInMind]

KeepMeInMind, I was in a very similar situation as yours and believe me, it was the biggest heartbreak of my life. After a week of bliss together after he had moved out of his home, my MM told me he needed to try and work things out with his wife. He said the same things your MM is telling you now. That he owed it to her to at least try because of the promises and vows he made. I too, felt like she was "guilt-tripping" him, because he felt an enormous amount of guilt. But as other people said, she was just trying to save their marriage and the life they had built together. I naively thought she would just let him go because like your MM, they married for the wrong reasons, lived separate lives, were more like roommates than a couple, etc...

 

I tried to persuade him that guilt alone would not save a marriage, but while he said he loved me and wanted to be with me, he wouldn't budge and went back home to her that day. It was honestly the worst day of my life.

 

That was over a year ago. I'm not telling you this story to get your hopes up, but just a week later, he told me he was wrong, that was no way their marriage would work and now he knew for sure. A couple months later, she moved out and a couple more months after that, they filed for divorce. We are now living together and quite happy. I say "quite" because I am not "completely" happy. The last part of your post struck me because I thought the same things during the week we were apart:

 

 

 

It's funny that now similar thoughts run through my head. While they are getting a divorce, I still think...What if he had never met me, would he still have gotten a divorce? What if he decides he made a mistake and wants to get back together with her, it happened before. When he has to talk to her because of their daughter, will she try and get him back again? Does he miss her?

 

I imagine you may have similar thoughts running through your mind if he decides to be with you. These thoughts haunt me, sometimes all day, and it makes it impossible to be fully and completely happy with MM. It's tough because I feel that because he left his marriage for me (hopefully not solely for that reason), I have to be this perfect girlfriend or else he might leave me too...We are going to start therapy next week, both individually and as a couple, so I am hoping it will help.

 

I guess what I am basically trying to say that even if he decides to be with you, it's not going to be easy and it definitely won't be all sunshine and rainbows just because you get to be with your "soulmate." I wasn't married, so I don't have that aspect to deal with, which adds a lot more complications and drama, but I noticed you did not mention how things are going with your husband. How is he dealing with the news? Are you filing for divorce? What if your MM chooses to stay with his wife? Will you stay with your husband as well?

 

 

I filed already and have court next month. MM was sure of this, signed the papers the lawyers drew up and submitted to court. I surely would have felt much less secure in all this if he or she was delaying filing for divorce.

 

I can't thank you enough for that post. I know not to get my hopes up. And if it was meant to be, it will be. But any bit of hope from an outsider is much appreciated.

 

I do understand and value you sharing your feelings about how he might still feel about her, especially the still missing her part. I told him right before all this that there would be things I missed about my husband, even though things were bad, and that I knew he would miss things about her. I was also prepared for them to still be friends. I couldn't possibly expect him to drop a friend like that. (but there does need to a be a long period of separation for both to grieve and move on...I mean for ANY couple not just them)

[nofool4u]

I feel like if you saw and experienced what we did on a daily basis you would feel differently.

 

 

No I wouldn't. You are a cheater, and he is a cheater.

 

Which is why I hope you 2 get together and both his wife and your husband are saved and are able to go out and find someone that won't get bored in being with the same person and forsaking all others.

 

I know you don't think so now, but everything is great now because neither of you have the daily trials of marriage, etc, with each other.

 

Once the newness wears off, and with your character and his, you will be looking to see if the grass is greener. Just give it time.

[KeepMeInMind]

I told him right before all this that there would be things I missed about my husband, even though things were bad, and that I knew he would miss things about her.

 

Right before "all this" was meant to mean right before we told our spouses and left our homes, not right before "all this" that just happened. Sorry.

[jwi71]

As gently as I can:

 

He's having second thoughts about you. Oh I know, you're certain of your magical, the universe has dated marriage for you feelings - but he isn't. If you are wondering how I know this it's because he left you that's how.

 

You continuously say he is a good man. I'm sure he has many redeeming qualities. But please realize he has serious flaws, like lying and cheating. Those are huge red flags. Again, I know, because of your special connection that makes it ok - a handy excuse to ignore bad behavior and traits.

 

Do NOT delude yourself into thinking you know him, his W or his M. You don't. You have no clue. I'm not saying your dumb, I'm saying you have no idea who or what any of those things, him included, are. Being friends and having an A does NOT mean you know more. Case in point, he left you. Did you see that coming? My point isn't to be mean or cruel, my point is you don't know him, his heart, his M, his W or his M. Clearly, it was enough to get him out of three weeks of bliss and, at the very least, considering a return to his M (whom he apparently married for some right reasons after all).

 

What do his parents think of this? What about any siblings? Have you met them since moving in together? Your family? What do they think?

 

It just, to me, seems like a happy fantasy life now.

 

I would urge some introspection. Some time away from this A.

 

Work on you. Let him work on him.

 

You won't of course. That would be almost impossible for you, indeed virtually anyone, to do.

 

Just a question, and it's been asked before, would you have filed for D absent this A? Would he have?

 

Be careful. You have only just ventured into these waters and while they seem inviting now, below the surface there be monsters.

[Angelina527]

You need to step back, have no contact with him and see if he can save his marriage. It's impossible to work on the marriage with you in the picture.

 

Trust me on this: you do NOT want to be the cause of the breakup of a marriage. You may think they married for the wrong reasons, they're roommates, etc., but you don't know that for a fact.

 

I was the cause of a breakup and the guilt eats me alive every day. Do you really want that?

 

Tell him NC for at least a month so he can see where he is with his wife without you being a distraction.

[KeepMeInMind]

I told you guys there would be NC and it actually started today.

 

Yes, I would have filed. I was going to anyway. Like I said, we filed right before I left, and the court date is coming up, and there is absolutely no reason to not go through with it. I am so happy to be away from that.

 

I know I'll be fine. I'm already thinking of what I want to do as far as a job/career. No matter the outcome, I will come out of this a better, stronger person.

[KeepMeInMind]

Sorry, forgot the question about families. Both families have been supportive. His mom said she wasn't surprised. His sister said the same and they spoke about it over an 11 hour drive to a funeral. She made a similar move and was supportive. He talked to a couple of his friends, and they all said, "Do what makes you happy."

 

Nobody says what we did was right, but they..friends and family, have been supportive. Not condoning our actions by any means but standing behind our decision.

[wannabdone]

KIM, I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I didn't see the time line, only how long the both of you have been married. Maybe I just missed that detail, but how long has the A been going on??

 

I felt the same way you did, a "cosmic connection" if you will. Like he was literally my other half. There was a time he left, she called constantly, texted, etc. I saw it as guilt tripping, manipulation, what ever you want to call it. But yes, she was fighting for her M. She obviously did not want a D and would do anything to stop it. Seems like that is what she wants. I think had she not done this, he would probably still be with you. Sometimes people can only handle an "easy out", and as soon as they are faced with any issues, can't handle it.

 

I know it hurts to be with out him. I know it feels like a part of you is missing. I don't know how to tell you to get through that hurt and pain. I wish I did. I do know that there should be nothing outside of yourself that controls your emotions that way. And yes, I know, easier said than done.

 

There are honestly people who M and then realize that the person they are with, although not bad people, are not the people they are meant to be with. There are times that people can fall in love with other people. This does happen. So if he TRULY loves you, he will D her and give you what you deserve, and that is someone who is there for you 150%. And if he doesn't then, unfortunately he loved you, but not enough.