Feel Like I'm Losing my Soul Mate...

[wannabdone]

Sorry, I meant KMIM, not KIM.

[KeepMeInMind]

Friends coming up on 3 years. Good friends about 1.5 years, I would guess. Talking/starting relationship (for lack of a better term..I know..) late last November. Weren't intimate for a few weeks but talked everyday. Was in the ER on Christmas Eve and had to talk him out of leaving home to drive 8 hours to be with me in the hospital. Very strong feelings very quickly to say the least. Anyway, so since about the third week of December we've been intimate/spending time together about once a week, and spoke every single day. The goodbyes were excruciating at the time, but wow..nothing like this.

[MissBee]

I don't think one can allow guilt to make them continue to be with someone indefinitely, especially when they have an alternative...i.e. they believe they have found their soulmate. I do believe one can feel guilty and try to stay for a short while, but if one's marriage is truly done and truly was problematic, with or without an OW/OM, then one will only get more and more uncomfortable and will want to leave more and more.

 

If one can make it work...then needless to say, it was not that bad.

 

I don't believe people should leave one relationship "for" another. You are done with someone and a relationship for you...because it is done, because it doesn;t serve you. That is the best way. Playing hopscotch with different people can lead to so many problems and illusions.

 

You needed to leave your abusive spouse....perhaps you needed your AP to get the strength...but at the end of the day, with or without him in the picture, you needed to see your marriage for its own worth or lack thereof and make a decision for you, independent of any man. Your AP needs to do the same.

 

In any case, I'm glad that you're trying to do what makes you happy and that makes you better and stronger, as you should. You have to take care of yourself foremost....your AP can choose to stay with his wife or not...but your world should NOT end because of this. Men come and go....and I don't believe we have only one soulmate....so if he is not the one, you should be busy creating your new life away from the bondage of an abusive marriage. Be free and single and rediscover the new, single, unmarried you before even trying to be in a new relationship! It can only be beneficial.

[KeepMeInMind]

Great advice. Thank you. I will pick up the pieces and rebuild. I was very happy with myself when this started..I wasn't one of those who didn't truly love themselves or needed to find happiness in another. I was good, other than being in a bad situation. So I'll be fine again.

 

Just having a difficult time at the moment. I've only been away for 2 days..

[MissBee]

Great advice. Thank you. I will pick up the pieces and rebuild. I was very happy with myself when this started..I wasn't one of those who didn't truly love themselves or needed to find happiness in another. I was good, other than being in a bad situation. So I'll be fine again.

 

Just having a difficult time at the moment. I've only been away for 2 days..

 

I don't think this is possible KeepMeInMind

 

People who don't love themselves don't love themselves in their actions and choices...not their words or even conscious mindset. We can say we love ourselves, wear a tshirt with it etc. But that is not meaningful. What is meaningful is how we live our lives, the people we are around, the situations we find ourselves in and put up with etc. Those are a truer reflection of how we feel and not simply because we say we love ourselves.

 

One of my greatest lessons were that most situations you find yourself in are a DIRECT reflection of how you feel about yourself....what you allow, put up with, etc.

 

Actions are louder than words and you don't have to think you don't love yourself for it to be obvious that you don't as much as you should. People can read your life by what they see you engaged in and what you accept.

 

I hope that overtime you learn this and perhaps dig deeper...as right now the story you're telling is cute...but it's not very realistic or true and it is placing the blame on outside circumstances and not yourself. I did this too for years...never thought a thing about my A except thinking it was just "wrong place, wrong time". It took me years to make out a pattern I had with men, my responses to relationships, my feelings etc. I realized there was SO MUCH self-sabotage and so much subconscious muck going on that I genuinely was not aware of before. I hope you grow in self-awareness or you'll continue, I guarantee, to attract "bad situations" and you'll see yourself as so unlucky...not realizing that YOU are the one who attract these people and circumstances because of your own beliefs.

[KeepMeInMind]

Yes, ma'am! Assuming you are a ma'am by the name. hehe That is why we agreed to both be alone for a while regardless of what happens. We both need our time to recenter, rebuild, get to know ourselves singly. That was our original plan when we first started talking about where this was going. Unfortunately, we literally did EVERYTHING wrong. (like I said in my OP..I know it. He knows it. We are both ashamed of our actions.)

 

Every step of the way was handled wrongly.

[KeepMeInMind]

I don't think this is possible KeepMeInMind

 

People who don't love themselves don't love themselves in their actions and choices...not their words or even conscious mindset. We can say we love ourselves, wear a tshirt with it etc. But that is not meaningful. What is meaningful is how we live our lives, the people we are around, the situations we find ourselves in and put up with etc. Those are a truer reflection of how we feel and not simply because we say we love ourselves.

 

One of my greatest lessons were that most situations you find yourself in are a DIRECT reflection of how you feel about yourself....what you allow, put up with, etc.

 

Actions are louder than words and you don't have to think you don't love yourself for it to be obvious that you don't as much as you should. People can read your life by what they see you engaged in and what you accept.

 

I hope that overtime you learn this and perhaps dig deeper...as right now the story you're telling is cute...but it's not very realistic or true and it is placing the blame on outside circumstances and not yourself. I did this too for years...never thought a thing about my A except thinking it was just "wrong place, wrong time". It took me years to make out a pattern I had with men, my responses to relationships, my feelings etc. I realized there was SO MUCH self-sabotage and so much subconscious muck going on that I genuinely was not aware of before. I hope you grow in self-awareness or you'll continue, I guarantee, to attract "bad situations" and you'll see yourself as so unlucky...not realizing that YOU are the one who attract these people and circumstances because of your own beliefs.

 

 

I'm not sure how to reply because I don't know which parts you are talking about my A and which parts you are talking about my M.

 

I can tell you this, I was NEVER okay with what went on in my M. But there were very good times. We did have a special bond. Something bad would happen in our lives outside of me and him, and he would change for a while. Then back to normal. I do miss things about him, but they sure as hell didn't outweigh his narcissistic ways. I went through a very rough time in my life with a family illness, and that is when everything changed for me. I only didn't leave then because it would have meant leaving the dying loved one as well as an aging dying dog (no kids..dog was the closest thing to it). I simply pulled away from him. Did more things on my own. Worked as much as I could. Avoided home and him. I needed a game plan first and didn't have one. I never, ever "accepted" his behavior.

 

Regarding the A. I know I did wrong. We both did wrong. We both know it. We are both ashamed. We are both somewhat public figures, almost celebrity status in our hobby/hobby's community, so believe me...we're embarassed, ashamed, remorseful, you name it.

 

I should have left my husband sooner. He should have left his wife if that is what he wants. Then if life brought us together, so be it.

 

But that's not the way it went. There's no changing it now. No point in beating a dead horse.

 

Not real proud of myself right now, but I do love myself.

[carrie999]

I'm not sure how to reply because I don't know which parts you are talking about my A and which parts you are talking about my M.

 

I can tell you this, I was NEVER okay with what went on in my M. But there were very good times. We did have a special bond. Something bad would happen in our lives outside of me and him, and he would change for a while. Then back to normal. I do miss things about him, but they sure as hell didn't outweigh his narcissistic ways. I went through a very rough time in my life with a family illness, and that is when everything changed for me. I only didn't leave then because it would have meant leaving the dying loved one as well as an aging dying dog (no kids..dog was the closest thing to it). I simply pulled away from him. Did more things on my own. Worked as much as I could. Avoided home and him. I needed a game plan first and didn't have one. I never, ever "accepted" his behavior.

 

Regarding the A. I know I did wrong. We both did wrong. We both know it. We are both ashamed. We are both somewhat public figures, almost celebrity status in our hobby/hobby's community, so believe me...we're embarassed, ashamed, remorseful, you name it.

 

I should have left my husband sooner. He should have left his wife if that is what he wants. Then if life brought us together, so be it.

 

But that's not the way it went. There's no changing it now. No point in beating a dead horse.

 

Not real proud of myself right now, but I do love myself.

 

Stop beating yourself up, and don't let anyone else do so, either.

 

You're finally understanding what you really need right now, and the first step is ending your marriage. If you're not happy, and it doesn't work, so be it. Life is too short to keep beating a dead horse. If you're actively avoiding being home with him, and it's not a good situation, why prolong it?

 

Just focus on yourself and your needs right now. If it works out with MM, great...but in reality, you both have miles to go before you're really together. Decide what you want, and do it. Don't make MM a deciding factor, but instead think about what will make you happy. If your husband isn't it, move along on your own new path, and hope that MM will be part of that path.

[findingnemo]

I'm not sure how to reply because I don't know which parts you are talking about my A and which parts you are talking about my M.

 

I can tell you this, I was NEVER okay with what went on in my M. But there were very good times. We did have a special bond. Something bad would happen in our lives outside of me and him, and he would change for a while. Then back to normal. I do miss things about him, but they sure as hell didn't outweigh his narcissistic ways. I went through a very rough time in my life with a family illness, and that is when everything changed for me. I only didn't leave then because it would have meant leaving the dying loved one as well as an aging dying dog (no kids..dog was the closest thing to it). I simply pulled away from him. Did more things on my own. Worked as much as I could. Avoided home and him. I needed a game plan first and didn't have one. I never, ever "accepted" his behavior.

 

Regarding the A. I know I did wrong. We both did wrong. We both know it. We are both ashamed. We are both somewhat public figures, almost celebrity status in our hobby/hobby's community, so believe me...we're embarassed, ashamed, remorseful, you name it.

 

I should have left my husband sooner. He should have left his wife if that is what he wants. Then if life brought us together, so be it.

 

But that's not the way it went. There's no changing it now. No point in beating a dead horse.

 

Not real proud of myself right now, but I do love myself.

 

I must have misunderstood something. Did you have an A or did you both decide to tell your spouses and leave?

[KeepMeInMind]

I clarified and apologized the guilt trip thing. And I said nobody condoned what we did.

[KeepMeInMind]

I must have misunderstood something. Did you have an A or did you both decide to tell your spouses and leave?

 

We had an A but did not want to tell our spouses that was the reason for leaving.

[outofmyfreakingmind]

Holy **** girl. This sounds so devastating. All I can say is if this connection you two had was proof enough to you of some form of a higher power than he, it will take care of you. If you are truly truly meant to be, I believe there is nothing in the world to keep you two apart. Though I am a dreamy thinker mind you

[Angelina527]

you certainly wouldn't want a man capable of cheating with you because sure as eggs he'll cheat on you.

 

This is an absolute fact!

[KeepMeInMind]

I don't know what the entire conversation was. I do know that the mutual friends I have talked to have told me they don't condone what we did but hope we are happy and are here for us, because that is what friends do..tell you when you're wrong but still offer an ear, or a shoulder to lean on (all of that their words, not mine).

 

All of his friends (most were already acquaintances of mine and some were friends but not as close as they were to him) welcomed me with open arms. We went to dinner with them, hung out in their homes, took day trips, etc.

[Angelina527]

I don't know what the entire conversation was. I do know that the mutual friends I have talked to have told me they don't condone what we did but hope we are happy and are here for us, because that is what friends do..tell you when you're wrong but still offer an ear, or a shoulder to lean on (all of that their words, not mine).

 

All of his friends (most were already acquaintances of mine and some were friends but not as close as they were to him) welcomed me with open arms. We went to dinner with them, hung out in their homes, took day trips, etc.

 

His poor wife is being betrayed by everyone. SMH

[frozensprouts]

OP,

I know it may seem as if everyone on here is ganging up on you, but they say the things they do because they have seen it before and don't want you to have to go through what they did (or what they have seen)...

 

One thing to remember...this guy, for whatever reason, saw cheating as a viable option because he just felt like it. There is something in his personality that allows him to think/feel this way...just because he's with you, that part of him doesn't just go away...it's still there

 

say you two do start a more permanent relationship...what choice will he make the next time he meets a woman and there is a "spark"...will he ignore it, or will he allow it to grow until he acts on it?

[KeepMeInMind]

I just realized something I was saying may be unclear. Family and friends were supportive of his choice to be with me if that is what made him happy. Not the actual affair. Only one or two of his closest friends knew about it beforehand. But everyone knows we had been seeing each other when he told them all he was leaving her.

[alexandria35]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take the time to read all this. It is very important to get the whole picture before I ask my question! Please don't close this thread just because you don't want to read it. Please!!!!!

 

Wow! are you always this dramatic? Don't close this thread just because you don't want to read it? Umm...I've never actually seen a thread be closed just because people don't want to read it.

 

Let me first preface this by saying the man I love and I did a very bad thing. I know it, he knows it, we are remorseful. Please, no more shame..we have enough.

 

Now, let me explain my side of it. I've been with a verbally abusive man for the last 12 years. He can also be very sweet and kind, and that is why I stayed for so long. I wanted out when he repeatedly put himself before a dying loved one of mine and was just not there for me whatsoever. I no longer loved him.

 

The other man's side. He was unhappy, but not for any particular reason, just something was missing. He married his wife for the wrong reasons, but stayed with her because it was good enough. She was a good friend to him. But wasn't always there for him as a wife, like going with him to funerals or making him talk when he would come home upset about work. He loved her, and she loved him.

 

What does your last sentence here mean? Whose funeral did she miss? Personally I would have a very difficult time getting off work to go to a funeral of someone not immediately in my family. So he would come home upset about work and feel like talking but then he couldn't because she didn't make him? That evil wife!! I guess she was too dumb to know that she was supposed to make him talk. Maybe she figured if he wanted to talk he would act like an adult and actually say so. I tend to be dumb that way too.

 

The 4 of us had all been friends, but mostly the friendship was between me, my husband, and the other man, and only recently (but with much less contact still) with other wife. The friendship between myself and the other man blossomed. We just clicked. I told him that this was a bad thing, to have feelings for each other when we were both married. I warned him it would only end in heartache. I protected my heart. Yet we both still fell fast and hard in love.

 

Then, all the crazy coincidences. We would text each other the exact same thing at the exact same time, and it would have nothing to do with the current topic. One of us would text the other a line from a song, and the other would be listening to that song on the radio at that very moment. We woke up in the middle of the night at the same time many nights (we would text each other when we woke up during the night). One time I cracked a joke about me having his best friend kick him in the kneecap for me. I had never joked about that before. That same night, I'm looking through the guide on my TV, see Friends, which I hadn't watched in years, and turn it on, and it is that exact episode. THIS KIND OF STUFF HAPPENED EVERY SINGLE DAY. I stopped believing in higher powers, fate, etc a long time ago, but this SCREAMED exactly that. I told him we were slapping fate in the face if we weren't together.

 

I'm not a big believer in this stuff either, but occasionally I will hear a story that makes me almost wonder. Like years ago I had a friend who called her sister in the middle of the night because she had woken up from a bad dream and for some reason she felt compelled to call her sister. Her sister was quite agravated about being called in the middle of the night and told my friend to go back to bed and quit bothering her. The sister decided to check on her baby before going back to bed herself and she found him turning blue from not breathing. That phone call saved her baby's life!! Even though I was still doubtful, it was a cool story about a higher power saving the life of a baby. I alwasy figured a higher power would do awesome stuff like that. Your higher power tells you sitcom jokes and likes to break up marriages?

 

We debated what to tell our spouses. Do it the right way and just leave, but risk having the spouse insist on "working it out," or doing the honest thing, telling them everything, be able to make clean breaks, but then live with having hurt them like that, the shame of being labeled a cheater (this was new to both of us...not in either of our characters at all, despite what most people think of someone who has cheated). Long story short, we went the honest route. He told his wife first. I told my husband a few days later. The other guy was miserable alone and insisted I come be with him rather than me going to a family member's house for a while. So two days after telling my husband, and 5 days after him telling his wife, I moved to be with him.

 

The first week was great. But then she never stopped telling him how poorly she was doing. She didn't stop sending pics and stories about the pets she refused to let him have. (NO KIDS!!! But he is VERY much an animal person, and his pets are his kids..I'm the same way, too) She guilt tripped him every single day, quoting things from their wedding, reminding him he promised her they would grow old together. How could either of them possibly move on like that????

 

Man she sounds like such a shrew! The nerve of her telling her husband that she was doing poorly! Why if she was a good and decent wife she would have been smiling and telling her husband how happy she was for him. How crazy of her for telling her husband of 12 years the truth of her feelings. I guess she just doesn't understand the value of being dishonest and hiding things from her husband the way he hid his feelings from her.

 

Fast forward 3 weeks. Three full weeks of us living together and her communicating like that, and he finally broke down. He came home sobbing. He said he felt that he owed it to her to try to make it work. He needed closure. Either to try to make it work or for her to tell him she didn't want to. But either way, he wanted to be alone for a while. I'm devastated. I thought if this was going to happen, it would happen in those first 5 days before me coming up. He made himself sick that night, literally. He could not stand to hurt me, but it was also killing him to have hurt her. Despite the way this went down, he is an honorable man. A man of his word. That is the only reason he is doing this..guilt over the commitment he made. He wants me...that is not my assumption. He told me repeatedly.

 

So 3 days later, I left my soulmate so he could try to make it work with his wife. Last night I ate a few bites of food for the first time in 5 days. I can barely function. I am having a numb moment long enough to post this.

 

So after three weeks of living with him he came home and kicked you out? Why did you have to leave? Where are you staying now? I see later in this thread you state that he is not with you or with his wife because he just wanted to be alone. LOL...not very likely. You stated earlier in this post that you had to move in with him right away because he couldn't be alone, remember? Now you think he's fine with being alone. This man who can't even talk unless someone makes him?

 

My question is, what are your thoughts or experiences with this scenario? How likely is it to work out between them? How likely is it that he will follow his heart rather than his guilt??? Please be honest!

 

I think he is following his heart. His relationship with you was a fun fantasy while it lasted but once it became reality he realized it wasn't all he thought it was going to be. He thought he could just run off with you and the last 12 years of marriage would disappear as well as his feeling for his wife. He is discovering that it doesn't work that way and now he is thinking about it instead of just following rainbows and butterflys.

 

My thinking is this...she knows it wasn't a one time mistake. He loved me and wanted to be with me enough to leave a 12 year marriage. So how could she ever possibly get past that? Won't she always be wondering if he still loves me? If he's thinking of me? When he leaves for trips, is he really going to visit me? And likewise, I feel he could never get past wondering what might have been, when HE ADMITS HE KNOWS life would be great with me, and that fate brought is together.

 

I think you should just forget about him for the time being. Work on pulling your own life together and getting your own issues straightened out.

[KeepMeInMind]

Not talking about a moderator closing the thread. I meant for anyone opening the thread to please read it rather than see how lengthy it was and close the page (I have done just that many times). Was just asking..

 

Regarding the funeral, it was his brother.

 

On everything else, I don't know what to say. I feel horrible for her. Believe it or not, I am capable of feeling emotions outside of my own pain. I know..people who have A's with MM are heartless and cannot do such things.

 

I'm not going to keep apologizing for my poor choice of words regarding her telling him how she was doing. I only meant that it brought him guilt, not that she was intentionally doing so. Truly did not mean it that way, regardless of how it sounded.

[wannabdone]

Not talking about a moderator closing the thread. I meant for anyone opening the thread to please read it rather than see how lengthy it was and close the page (I have done just that many times). Was just asking..

 

Regarding the funeral, it was his brother.

 

On everything else, I don't know what to say. I feel horrible for her. Believe it or not, I am capable of feeling emotions outside of my own pain. I know..people who have A's with MM are heartless and cannot do such things.

 

I'm not going to keep apologizing for my poor choice of words regarding her telling him how she was doing. I only meant that it brought him guilt, not that she was intentionally doing so. Truly did not mean it that way, regardless of how it sounded.

 

 

KMIM, you have never sounded anything other than thoughtful and open and honest. You keep apologizing for your statements. You have the right to feel how you feel, and you have not been anything other than very sweet on your thread. So, please do not apologize.

 

I think you are a great person. You are going through a lot. And I promise you, it will get better.

 

How are you doing today?

[2sunny]

Oh gosh, I am sorry for how that was worded. I do not think she was intentionally guilt tripping him. I only meant that him hearing about how hard of a time she was having at such and such moment was hard on him in that way. I don't think either party could move on by doing that, having daily contact. When he would tell me about her reminding him of his promises, he implied it was said to make him feel bad, not to try to draw him back. I am sorry..my mind is terribly jumbled. I hope I am making sense.

 

All I keep hearing in my mind is "I owe it to her" not "saving my marriage is what I want." He has always been extremely open and honest with me, even if that means hurting me, yet those were the words he repeatedly used.

 

Since he is focusing on repairing his M - it is time to stay out of it now.

 

That is all you really need to know is that he intends to try to make it work with her. Respect that decision he has made.

[KeepMeInMind]

Since he is focusing on repairing his M - it is time to stay out of it now.

 

That is all you really need to know is that he intends to try to make it work with her. Respect that decision he has made.

 

 

I am. (10 characters)

[KeepMeInMind]

KMIM, you have never sounded anything other than thoughtful and open and honest. You keep apologizing for your statements. You have the right to feel how you feel, and you have not been anything other than very sweet on your thread. So, please do not apologize.

 

I think you are a great person. You are going through a lot. And I promise you, it will get better.

 

How are you doing today?

 

 

Thank you so much!! I still don't sleep well or eat much, and in the mornings, I am very, very distraught. This morning was as bad as, if not worse, than the first morning apart. I don't feel too chipper in the mornings normally anyway, so mornings are very hard right now. But I feel like a jerk for feeling sorry for myself when I took part in making his W feel the same way. I also feel like I deserve to feel this pain for what I've done. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. I do hope she forgives me someday.

[2sunny]

Thank you so much!! I still don't sleep well or eat much, and in the mornings, I am very, very distraught. This morning was as bad as, if not worse, than the first morning apart. I don't feel too chipper in the mornings normally anyway, so mornings are very hard right now. But I feel like a jerk for feeling sorry for myself when I took part in making his W feel the same way. I also feel like I deserve to feel this pain for what I've done. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. I do hope she forgives me someday.

 

You are doing the right thing now...based on the circumstances.

 

Try not to be so focused on what he is or isn't doing. Staying REALLY busy helping others will create better balance for you. It takes the focus off the pity party too!

 

Volunteer, go exercise or start painting. Anything! Anything to keep busy and make sure you're not thinking of him...

 

Feel better honey. You deserve the best! This is a mess and a mess isn't what you need to be happy. Hugs

[KeepMeInMind]

I do really plan to get back into my hobbies and stay busy. I just have had no desire to yet and I can't seem to force myself. I spend a lot of time chatting with friends via text, but there are only a few close friends I can talk to about what is going on at the moment. The worst thing is I am very involved in a particular hobby (will not say what to stay as anon as possible, but it is my total escape from life's problems..deaths, worries, etc..all forgotten), where people know me across the country and even overseas, and just showing up to anything related to it right now will shed light on the circumstances and it will be VERY public. Nobody wants that.