Feel Like I'm Losing my Soul Mate...

[Angelina527]

Thank you so much!! I still don't sleep well or eat much, and in the mornings, I am very, very distraught. This morning was as bad as, if not worse, than the first morning apart. I don't feel too chipper in the mornings normally anyway, so mornings are very hard right now. But I feel like a jerk for feeling sorry for myself when I took part in making his W feel the same way. I also feel like I deserve to feel this pain for what I've done. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. I do hope she forgives me someday.

 

One of my husband's OW came to me with sincere remorse for her part in the affair...I forgave her completely.

 

I am glad that you are letting them do their thing. I know it must be hard and hurt you, but you're doing the right thing. Everything will be ok.

[2sunny]

Focusing more effort and energy on positive things is key right now.

 

Focusing less energy on this situation will grow it smaller and help it to go away faster.

 

Exercise. Eat right. And start some artistic OUTLET - it helps to get your emotions out and onto something/somewhere else and let it all go.

[KeepMeInMind]

One of my husband's OW came to me with sincere remorse for her part in the affair...I forgave her completely.

 

I am glad that you are letting them do their thing. I know it must be hard and hurt you, but you're doing the right thing. Everything will be ok.

 

I plan to do the same thing when enough time has passed. It is nowhere near appropriate to contact her right now. I had intended to do this regardless of the way things are at the moment.

 

I told him that same thing, that I hope she forgives me someday, and he said that she said she was angry and hurt but wishes no bad things for me. She has a good heart.

[wannabdone]

Thank you so much!! I still don't sleep well or eat much, and in the mornings, I am very, very distraught. This morning was as bad as, if not worse, than the first morning apart. I don't feel too chipper in the mornings normally anyway, so mornings are very hard right now. But I feel like a jerk for feeling sorry for myself when I took part in making his W feel the same way. I also feel like I deserve to feel this pain for what I've done. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. I do hope she forgives me someday.

 

 

I went through (and still do) feeling like I deserved it. I knew he was M, I knew it would hurt ppl. Did I really think he would just sit her down and tell her it was over and she would be "okay, that works". I guess a small (very delusional) part of me did think that.

 

However, you fell in love. Right or wrong, you did. And that hurts. And the thought of that ending hurts. You do not deserve to hurt. God doesn't wish for any of his children to hurt. Just unfortunately when we sow things in life, it does come back to reap not such good harvests.

 

Each day will be a challenge. I remember feeling great when I could go an hour with out crying or thinking of him. Its a process, and just know it will get better.

 

You are taking the first steps to heal by communicating.

[wannabdone]

You do deserve it and the best thing you can do for her is be remorseful and hurt. Really. It's kind if insulting when mistresses don't. I would not hope for forgiveness. I would hope she moves on and doesn't think of you anymore. I really think that's all that's realistic or fair.

 

BW, this is puzzling to me. You say she deserves to hurt and the best thing for her is to be remorseful and hurt. And then saying basically the BS shouldn't forgive her.

 

When you have said you forgive your H for hurting you, and believe he is a good guy.

 

The poster is obviously not acting in such a way that your OW is. She seems to be respecting her MM to do what he needs to do. She is simply grieving herself.

 

She made a mistake in her life. She is reaping what she sowed. That is how life goes. Its a painful thing to realize that. I know it must be hard for any BS to have sympathy for an OW going through pain. But the pain is real. I don't think its ever okay to kick someone when they are down.... not cool.

[KeepMeInMind]

Believe me when I say I am getting kicked enough. Like I said..kind of a public figure. I get enough constant reminders and all sorts of name calling and assumptions. I left everything I know, my job, my family to be with him in another state. I was okay with the public humiliation when I had something to show for it. I was willing to take that risk. Now, I have absolutely nothing and am still getting beat the hell up all day everyday. I beat myself up enough on my own. I'm getting more than my fair share of what I deserve.

[jwi71]

Ya know KMiM...

 

Aside from the A, I think you have a really good grasp on things. Not that it makes the process any easier.

 

Work through your D, stay NC and take time to heal yourself...from the loss of your M, to the loss of your OM, to the loss of face (from disclosing your A to others - and no matter how much you trust them, it always seems to leak out).

 

Look inside and heal yourself.

 

Then stop. Go out and live.

 

I think you'll do just fine.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

if you are truly remorseful about the affair, then perhaps the best thing for you to do is to learn from it and use it as an opportunity for growth... to me, that would be the best way to show remorse, and even if the guy's wife never sees it or knows about it, you'll know...it's will be a gift you have given to yourself...

There was a poster on here a while back( BB07, I believe), and she had been through some very rough times, but she used her experiences to grow and be the best person that she could be...she was very kind to me at a time when I was hurting, and I will readily admit that I wish she was still around...she could have helped so many

 

look, you re not an evil horrible person, you just screwed up. We all have made mistakes...but the key thing seems to be to recognize our mistakes, recognize and accept our responsibility in them, learn from them and move on.

[KeepMeInMind]

jw and frozen, thank you for the kind words and advice. If it works out, it works out (long road), if it doesn't, it doesn't (another long road). Either way, I will come out better and stronger.

[wannabdone]

OP,

if you are truly remorseful about the affair, then perhaps the best thing for you to do is to learn from it and use it as an opportunity for growth... to me, that would be the best way to show remorse, and even if the guy's wife never sees it or knows about it, you'll know...it's will be a gift you have given to yourself...

There was a poster on here a while back( BB07, I believe), and she had been through some very rough times, but she used her experiences to grow and be the best person that she could be...she was very kind to me at a time when I was hurting, and I will readily admit that I wish she was still around...she could have helped so many

 

look, you re not an evil horrible person, you just screwed up. We all have made mistakes...but the key thing seems to be to recognize our mistakes, recognize and accept our responsibility in them, learn from them and move on.

 

 

FS, you have done the same thing on here. You are an extremely kind and warm person. Even to OW/OM. You words are never hateful or unkind. It doesn't seem that you ever have a hidden agenda to make every single person on the "other side" of things feel like a total jerk or kick them when they are already down.

 

That speaks volumes on your personality!

[KeepMeInMind]

I'm sorry, but I am only me. I can't speak for everyone involved, so forgive me if I do not express how she felt the morning after he left. Not being sarcastic, just as blatantly honest as I can. Me saying how I felt does not mean she didn't feel less/same/worse. I just cannot speak for her and shouldn't be flogged for not doing so. I'm sorry.

[wannabdone]

 

 

wanna, just because you feel that she is open and honest and all that doesn't mean the rest of the posters do. Her first post was very "that mean old wife keeps calling my man and she needs to let go" kind of statements. We all have the right to feel how we feel and some of us may feel as if what she did was incredibly immature, wrong and it wasn't just an "oops". Affairs aren't "oops" types of things. They are calculated, premeditated and chosen actions.

 

.

 

 

No, you are right Hockey Fan. That is exactly why I addressed the comment directly to KMIM, and I told her that it was how I felt.

 

I reread her first post as I didn't remember the "mean old wife" thing, and still didn't see that, so I guess I am missing something. I saw her saying she continued to call him, and text him and send him pictures of the dogs. And then her asking questions about will she (BS) ever be able to really move on in the M knowing what she knew, etc. etc. Which is pretty typical after something happens like this. Like it or not, right or wrong, the way someone feels is the way the feel.... whether they are a BS or OW/OM. She was obviously very fresh with this pain, and probably trying to sort it out in her head.

 

Knowing that you did something wrong or bad doesn't discount the pain that you feel when you love someone and that love could possibly be gone.

 

I have never said that no one has the right to not feel about something a certain way. But just as everyone on here has the right to feel one way about her and what is going on, she has that same right to feel what she feels. Plain and simple. It really does work both ways. Just because someone did something incredibly immature and devasting, doesn't mean they don't deserve the right to grieve.

[KeepMeInMind]

Wanted to thank everyone again for contributing. We are now more than two full days NC. I am very thankful for being able to stay in contact with his best friend. It stings so much that we were all friends for so long, but for him to try to repair his M, for as long as they are together, we cannot be friends at all. Affair aside, losing a friend hurts very much, especially when you know they are going through a very trying time in their life, and you cannot be there for them in any way.

[2sunny]

I know - but it's not appropriate for you to be involved right now.

 

I'd not talk to his best friend either - his friend is feeding both sides information. If you are to have any info - it should only come from the MM. And it isn't.

 

Focus on YOU... Best way! Hugs

[KeepMeInMind]

I know - but it's not appropriate for you to be involved right now.

 

I'd not talk to his best friend either - his friend is feeding both sides information. If you are to have any info - it should only come from the MM. And it isn't.

 

Focus on YOU... Best way! Hugs

 

 

It is actually what MM wanted. Just as a means of me letting friend and MM know I'm okay, and for MM to do the same. Friend of MM's was actually a friend to both of us. So if I am to have any info, it is from MM, but through friend.

 

Not saying it's right or wrong, based on the whole concept of NC. And it will diminish as time goes on, unless things change.

[KeepMeInMind]

Is this guy married too?

 

 

Yes. I am in contact with his wife, too. I was friends with him before I ever met her. He is also involved in the activity/hobby that MM and I are in. As in, part of our actual..group, if you will. It's hard to explain. It's very innocent and completely appropriate, for now. Now, if MM and I are done for good, I will probably stay in contact with his wife but him nearly as often. He has been a very good friend to me.

[wannabdone]

Yes. I am in contact with his wife, too. I was friends with him before I ever met her. He is also involved in the activity/hobby that MM and I are in. As in, part of our actual..group, if you will. It's hard to explain. It's very innocent and completely appropriate, for now. Now, if MM and I are done for good, I will probably stay in contact with his wife but him nearly as often. He has been a very good friend to me.

 

 

Tread lightly here. NC is NC. Its breaking yourself from the entire A as a whole. I know that a lot of time the "total NC" comes in stages, but I do not think it is wise you stay in contact with his friends, if you two don't work out.

 

Ex: I am friends with xMM sister, I very much enjoy her and consider her a friend of mine. however, when I broke contact with him and decided to cut it out of my life, I had to give up that friendship, as that was HIS sister, before she was MY friend.

 

So, you might want to rethink that.

[2sunny]

I do think it's still contact - and keeps YOU continually thinking of him - which doesn't help YOU to move FORWARD.

 

Think about what's BEST for YOU now.

 

He's thinking and doing what's best for HIM and his marriage and his wife. Keeping you in HIS LOOP only puts you in a holding pattern based on what HE may or MAY NOT DO! That's not right of HIM! Sinc he's focused on his M - he should ( and I stress SHOULD) let YOU go - so you can be FREE of him and what he's doing! That way - you can move forward without that constant thought of what is going on in his life.

 

For him to be purposely feeding info your way is terribly mean and selfish of him! And not at all honoring his marriage - because for you to STILL know what they have going on keeps you involved in THEIR LIFE - even by a third party!

 

Since he CHOSE to work on his M - he should keep you out of it! And if he won't - then that could be a boundary you set. It could be set by telling your friend not to tell you anything about him or their M.

 

You just intend to be his friend - but you don't want to know anything about your MM.

[KeepMeInMind]

I do think it's still contact - and keeps YOU continually thinking of him - which doesn't help YOU to move FORWARD.

 

Think about what's BEST for YOU now.

 

He's thinking and doing what's best for HIM and his marriage and his wife. Keeping you in HIS LOOP only puts you in a holding pattern based on what HE may or MAY NOT DO! That's not right of HIM! Sinc he's focused on his M - he should ( and I stress SHOULD) let YOU go - so you can be FREE of him and what he's doing! That way - you can move forward without that constant thought of what is going on in his life.

 

For him to be purposely feeding info your way is terribly mean and selfish of him! And not at all honoring his marriage - because for you to STILL know what they have going on keeps you involved in THEIR LIFE - even by a third party!

 

Since he CHOSE to work on his M - he should keep you out of it! And if he won't - then that could be a boundary you set. It could be set by telling your friend not to tell you anything about him or their M.

 

You just intend to be his friend - but you don't want to know anything about your MM.

 

 

He is not feeding me info through the friend. Not at all. At least, he hasn't to this point. The friend just tells me how he appears to be doing, and only if I ask. I let him know how I am doing. I don't know if MM has asked him about me or not. I don't ask that. Just clearing that up.

 

Like I said, I will let go, I just haven't been able to yet. It's only been a few days. I know it is best to.

[2sunny]

Ok good. Now, and when, you no longer "need to know" is when you will have an indication that you are moving forward from this point.

 

The idea - FOR YOU - is to not think of him. But to think of yourself and YOUR best interest! Staying focused on him will never, ever allow you to have room in your head and your heart for a man that deserves you!

 

You seem like a kind gal... You deserve a man that makes YOU and ONLY you his top priority. That is obviously not your MM.

 

Never settle!

[KeepMeInMind]

He's married and you have demonstrated that you have poor boundaries with married men.

 

Leave this guy and his wife alone and stop using him as a lifeline to MM. You need to end contact with both of them if you really want to move on.

 

 

I had poor boundaries with ONE married man. Don't make assumptions about me.

 

On the second part, you are right, and I will.

[2sunny]

Can you text the "friend" right now and ask that no more info be exchanged about you and/or MM?

[wannabdone]

I can make that assumption because you have poor boundaries with married men.

 

If you want to be honest with yourself, then don't fool yourself into thinking you are not capable of falling into another affair with a MM.

 

 

You can make assumptions all day long, if you wish Alice. That is your right. However, I have crossed the line with one married man, and have had many times that other MM have flirted, etc. And I have never crossed that line. Its not something that some ppl just do with everyone.

 

She is plain and simple keeping him as a lifeline to her xMM. Doesn't mean every single MM she comes into contact with she will have an A.

[wannabdone]

very good post wanna. Thank you for writing it. Gave me food for thought.

 

With regards to the first bolded...a wife sending her husband texts. what is wrong with that? If a wife wanted to save her marriage, staying in contact with her husband and letting him know his behavior and actions were hurting her is normal. Did you never feel this way throughout your dating life? Did you ever have a boyfriend 'break up' with you and you called him to try to work things out? This couple has 12 married years of history, not counting the dating/courting years.

 

Regarding the 2nd bolded ..... how does an OW go on wanting to be with a MM when she knows he is still emotionally (and sometimes intimately) involved with his wife? Why does an OW take a MM back when he has shown through actions he isn't ready to divorce (or will ever divorce)? I do not understand when OW complain about a wife trying to salvage a marriage; yet an OW doesn't seem to see that they do the same thing ... not salvage a marriage but want to continue in an affair even when the MM has said he was going to work on his marriage.

 

I completely agree that everyone deserves to grieve any failed relationship - whether it is dating, engaged or married...and obviously widowed. Many times people who are dealing with divorce need time to get their crap together, and many times we see on here how an OW 'latches' onto a separated MM as if they needed to be around to remind him that she was invested in him. It is almost as if they are scared to let him grieve HIS marriage. I find that behavior strange. Most of the time, these OW get so angry if a wife calls her estranged husband or wants to meet with him, yet many times, they do the exact same thing they are being critical of the wife for doing.

 

 

 

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with someone fighting for their M or a relationship. I am just saying that in the very early stages of a Dday, often (myself included) do not see that. Its like we expect the BS to just lay down and take it. Really thinking "what is wrong with this person, their BS just told them they don't love them...why would they stay". I agree its an "off" way of thinking, but it is the way most of us think when its happening.

 

As far as the 2nd question... my only answer is TO HELL IF I KNOW! I don't know why on earth we ever would. But I will tell you that my dumb a$$ did it too many times to count. Accepting every single excuse, line, you could think of. Honestly, I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself for buying this. I remember my counselor asking me what I would tell a friend if she was telling me all the stuff I had went through and I said "RUN FORREST, RUN!"... But why I could not run myself. I realized there were a lot of issues tied into this, ones I had to work through that really had nothing to do at all with him.

 

Plain and simple, I had a father who was a soiocpath, and I fell for a man who was a sociopath. I am not the type of woman to take crap off of ppl, but my goodness if I didn't lay down and take it from this guy.

 

Thats why when I talk to these women, I want them to take a deeper dive as to WHY they are doing it. I am not a runaround type girl, I don't do this kind of stuff, I am honest, but I certainly did get sucked into this. And deeper than most. I almost completely destroyed my life before I started seeing, it really wasn't about this man, it was so much deeper. I had to fix me, I was looking for someone else to fix me.

 

Sad.

[KeepMeInMind]

I never said I want back into an A with him. I want all or none.