Feel Like I'm Losing my Soul Mate...

[wannabdone]

I never said I want back into an A with him. I want all or none.

 

 

and THAT is your first step to healing. When I realized FINALLY that I was worth all of him, was when i started to find peace. Not that I didn't miss him, I still do... but I WILL NOT SETTLE. And you should not either.

 

YOU GO GIRL!

[KeepMeInMind]

and THAT is your first step to healing. When I realized FINALLY that I was worth all of him, was when i started to find peace. Not that I didn't miss him, I still do... but I WILL NOT SETTLE. And you should not either.

 

YOU GO GIRL!

 

 

That is all I ever wanted. He didn't want to share himself or me either. He never led me on. He did everything he ever told me he wanted to do or was going to do. He just didn't end up staying. I would much rather have been deceived, lied to, or just have had it not work out..didn't get along, wasn't what we thought it would be, etc. Would be so much easier.

[wannabdone]

That is all I ever wanted. He didn't want to share himself or me either. He never led me on. He did everything he ever told me he wanted to do or was going to do. He just didn't end up staying. I would much rather have been deceived, lied to, or just have had it not work out..didn't get along, wasn't what we thought it would be, etc. Would be so much easier.

 

 

You think? I never thought of it as being easier. Maybe so. But I always thought it would have been easier to know I loved xMM and there were valid reasons. Not being decieved.

 

Just fyi... when you are decieved, you not only have to go through the loss and grief of the relationship, but you also have to go through the grief of buying their crap, and being so madly in love with someone who wasn't who you thought the are.

 

I the bottom line is that there is no way to get through this without hurt, embarrassment and pain.

 

How are you doing today?

[KeepMeInMind]

Mornings are very, very difficult. I don't sleep well, but I do fall into a decent sleep eventually, and when I wake up from those couple hours, it all rushes back to me. Reality. I feel sick, like I have a high fever..burning up on the inside. It starts to subside when I've been up for a while and distract myself. It has not gotten any easier yet at all.

 

About deception. I just wish I could be mad at him, hate him, etc. even a little. For me, it would be easier. I think anyway. I guess there is no way to know.

 

I do treasure what we had. For that, I'm very grateful. I told him that I will always be grateful for how he made me feel. So for that reason, I am very glad there was no deceit.

[2sunny]

Are you sure there was no deceit? Think long and hard... It's usually there when you look close.

 

Many, many things you weren't supposed to notice.

 

Did he keep in touch with her when you may not have known? Did he grow his efforts to her bigger when you THOUGHT he was still totally paying attention to you?

 

I could ask a million different questions... If you aren't him - you have no idea what deceit he has been participating in.

[wannabdone]

Mornings are very, very difficult. I don't sleep well, but I do fall into a decent sleep eventually, and when I wake up from those couple hours, it all rushes back to me. Reality. I feel sick, like I have a high fever..burning up on the inside. It starts to subside when I've been up for a while and distract myself. It has not gotten any easier yet at all.

 

About deception. I just wish I could be mad at him, hate him, etc. even a little. For me, it would be easier. I think anyway. I guess there is no way to know.

 

I do treasure what we had. For that, I'm very grateful. I told him that I will always be grateful for how he made me feel. So for that reason, I am very glad there was no deceit.

 

 

Are you on anti-depressents? I'm not the person who has ever been depressed, but I did start on them after NC, and I will tell you they have helped. Not that they have made it where I do not hurt, etc. But just helped in general.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. It will take time, and a lot. Like the other poster mentioned, there may have been some deception, and it will come out. Probably not as much as my end... lord, if there was I would fall over. But, there will probably be some things evidentually that come out. The problem with that is, you don't love them any less. Maybe it helps with the fantasy part more...what could have been. I love my xmm still, but the way I look at him is different.

[KeepMeInMind]

Are you sure there was no deceit? Think long and hard... It's usually there when you look close.

 

Many, many things you weren't supposed to notice.

 

Did he keep in touch with her when you may not have known?

 

No, because I knew they were in contact often. They were working out the divorce settlement..there were things he was having to take care of, calling contractors, going back and forth with her on the info, etc.

 

Did he grow his efforts to her bigger when you THOUGHT he was still totally paying attention to you?

 

What do you mean by efforts with her? I knew he was distracted at times. He was having a hard time. He would tell me, too, when he was having a hard time because of something that happened at the time. A setback, if you will.

 

I could ask a million different questions... If you aren't him - you have no idea what deceit he has been participating in.

 

 

Like I said. He did everything he said he was going to do. He wasn't one of those MM that promised me the moon, dragged me along, never left, never filed for D, etc. He did EVERYTHING he said he would.

[KeepMeInMind]

Are you on anti-depressents? I'm not the person who has ever been depressed, but I did start on them after NC, and I will tell you they have helped. Not that they have made it where I do not hurt, etc. But just helped in general.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. It will take time, and a lot. Like the other poster mentioned, there may have been some deception, and it will come out. Probably not as much as my end... lord, if there was I would fall over. But, there will probably be some things evidentually that come out. The problem with that is, you don't love them any less. Maybe it helps with the fantasy part more...what could have been. I love my xmm still, but the way I look at him is different.

 

Yes, I am. I don't miss a dose, no matter what other things I neglect. Thanks for the kind words, again.

[2sunny]

Did he tell you when he moved in he would continue to check on his wife constantly to be sure she was ok with him moving in with you?

 

Did he tell you ahead that he would care so much about her feelings that he would leave you and run back to save her from her pain?

 

Did he tell you those things?

[wannabdone]

Yes, I am. I don't miss a dose, no matter what other things I neglect. Thanks for the kind words, again.

 

 

So, not trying to play Dr WBD, but maybe you should talk to your dr. about changing the meds. I was on Lexapro, but found prestique was a life saver and was so much better.

 

Just a suggestion, not trying to beat a dead horse. Just want to make sure you take care of yourself.

 

Also, maybe some sleeping aid to help you while you go through this too. When you sleep that is when the body repairs itself, physically and emtoionally. Try to eat and drink lots of water.

 

When your body is ran down, its even worse. Been there. NOT GOOD!

[Barrsitter]

W...I am sorry for your loss and heartache. I pray you will feel better soon. I pray that for myself too.

[jwi71]

Mornings are very, very difficult. I don't sleep well, but I do fall into a decent sleep eventually, and when I wake up from those couple hours, it all rushes back to me. Reality. I feel sick, like I have a high fever..burning up on the inside. It starts to subside when I've been up for a while and distract myself. It has not gotten any easier yet at all.

 

This is WHY you need to take care of YOURSELF, grieve the end of your M, heal YOUR wounds, the issues with an A becoming public et al. These are VERY real physical manifestations of significant emotional trauma. I would not at all be surprised if your IC takes on a PTSD crisis slant and not one of "healing" at first.

 

Surround yourself with allies of YOU, not your allies M or your "joint hobby friends"... friends outside of that...family members as well.

 

Once these episodes pass (and they will), you can begin the long work of untangling from WHERE it stemmed...loss of AP?...loss of M?....the damage done from abusive H?...and so on...

 

About deception. I just wish I could be mad at him, hate him, etc. even a little. For me, it would be easier. I think anyway. I guess there is no way to know.

 

Not to belabor the point 2sunny is making...it IS very likely there and unrecognized at this point in time.

 

Instead of ferreting out the deception...leave it alone for now. Heal. Later, revisit the issue.

[KeepMeInMind]

Did he tell you when he moved in he would continue to check on his wife constantly to be sure she was ok with him moving in with you?

 

Yes and no. It was not constant. I read his phone a couple times when I was concerned. It was rare for him to initiate contact until those last couple days.

 

Did he tell you ahead that he would care so much about her feelings that he would leave you and run back to save her from her pain?

 

No, of course not, but that is not deceit. Deceit means lying about your intent. If he intended to go back to her, he wouldn't have left.

 

Did he tell you those things?

 

 

If I ever come to realize there was some deceit, I won't deny it to myself. I just have not seen any, at all.

[KeepMeInMind]

jwi, what is IC? I thought it meant independent counseling. Now I'm all confused.

 

I have no issues with the end of my M. It was over a few years ago. I've been healing a long time. It was no issue at all to leave. I can think of a memory of my M and feel nothing at all. I can see a picture of him and feel nothing at all. Total indifference.

[wannabdone]

Perhs Alice's assumption you could have poor boundaries with his friend is off, we don't know. But it would be a pretty sensible assumption for his wife to make. One thing about Hs OW, this wasn't her first affair and the wife of the past AP went nuts on her, I mean stalked her, wrecked her car that kind of thing. Stupid because it could have gotten the wife in a lot of trouble. But having had that why would an OW deliberately seek out another affair? Did she think I wouldn't see her past behavior? Did she think I was not as intimidating as the other BS? Well she will find out that I'm not taking it lying down and I'm not doing anything stupid either. I think even if you intend nothing with this other Mm you'd be foolish to stay in contact with him.

 

 

Sounds like your OW likes to be the victim. She probably pushes BS to do such insane acts in hopes that it will make the MM look at their BS like they are nuts. She sounds like she wants to be rescued. So sad for her, she has some very deep seeded issues it seems.

 

Or maybe i'm wrong. My xMM BS went completely pyscho on me. Called everyone under the sun. My xH, my x inlaws, (by the way we had been divorced for years), my son, went to my son's school, went to my son's baseball games, stalked my fb, knew when I was out of town and went to my house and peeped through my windows, and the list goes on and on. I finally had to get an attorney involved.

[KeepMeInMind]

I find that kind of disturbing. I get aiming at indifference for an AP or a partners ex AP but to feel nothing in respect of M partner isn't natural to me. Not saying hate and anger last but disappointment and where appropriate disgust do. And disgust is actually the opposite of love.

 

I'd wonder about what was being suppressed if you say you feel nothing at all.

 

I've had 3 years to mourn my marriage. That is why. There is no difference in my feelings now that I am gone than what they were for the last however long. I just live somewhere else now. And nobody yells and cusses at me!

Edited March 31, 2012 by KeepMeInMind

[2sunny]

So did he tell you when he contacted her on those rare ocassions and then toward the end when it was more frequent? Or did he keep that to himself?

[jwi71]

jwi, what is IC? I thought it meant independent counseling. Now I'm all confused.

 

Correct... Independent Counselor.

What I was, and still am, thinking is your IC will focus on treating you for PTSD rather than digging deep and doing the hard work of "healing".

 

I have no issues with the end of my M. It was over a few years ago. I've been healing a long time. It was no issue at all to leave. I can think of a memory of my M and feel nothing at all. I can see a picture of him and feel nothing at all. Total indifference.

 

While you may have no feelings for him you DO have the affects of ...was it 13 years.. of abuse to work on.

 

The most alarming thing is those physical manifestations. If your IC is NOT an MD (ie a psychiatrist) then maybe a visit to your GP for some anti-anxiety meds. That's REALLY unhealthy for you...not eating, loss of sleep and so on.

 

Those are obvious and bright red flags that you need to work on you and to hell with everything else for now.

 

Like I said, crisis mode.

[Tenacity]

Like I said. He did everything he said he was going to do. He wasn't one of those MM that promised me the moon, dragged me along, never left, never filed for D, etc. He did EVERYTHING he said he would.

 

No, he didn't. You are not with him now, right? So that is not true.

 

I am one of those infrequent (as of late) members who are status-post a disastrous long-term A with a disastrous long-term AP who I also thought was my "soul mate". Trust me.... even if the stuff is true about songs being on at the same time, etc etc ad nauseum, that isn't going to make it work for you in Real Life. That stuff is warm and fuzzy during the infatuation period, but that's all it is.

 

Your guy is not just showing guilt by going back to his W. It's more than that. And even if it isn't, what matters is that he didn't stay with you. He left you. There is no "soul mate" in there, not anywhere.

 

I am sorry... I (still) feel your pain. Been there and done that. But what you need to do now is back off and stop contact with him, and DO NOT do anything further until he is DIVORCED. On his own accord, without your involvement. On his OWN.

[2sunny]

I think he did do things he said he wouldn't do. And I think he didn't do things he said he'd do.

 

for most folks - if you you start REALLY look at his words and actions (with all cheaters) - there are discrepancies - whether you noticed hem or not.

 

Kinda boils down to wanting so much to believe him and his words and actions - that we overlook what the evidence is.

 

Either way - YOU deserve better! Better than a man that can't decide if you are his #1 or #2 gal.

 

That's just crappy of him any way you look at it...and you don't deserve that!

[2sunny]

jwi, what is IC? I thought it meant independent counseling. Now I'm all confused.

 

I have no issues with the end of my M. It was over a few years ago. I've been healing a long time. It was no issue at all to leave. I can think of a memory of my M and feel nothing at all. I can see a picture of him and feel nothing at all. Total indifference.

 

IC = individual counselor

 

MC = marriage counselor

[HeartShineGirl]

I've had 3 years to mourn my marriage. That is why. There is no difference in my feelings now that I am gone than what they were for the last however long. I just live somewhere else now. And nobody yells and cusses at me!

 

 

I hope everything turns out okay for you... KMIM.... whatever the outcome... and I am sure it will.

 

I came here for support almost 2 years ago.... I've been warned up and down and back again but, I am more of a thorn in the sides of the people warning me to 'leave my cheating man' but..... my situation, as much as it seems to be a bad situation, is actually okay with me.

 

I never have claimed to be perfect, and I never will be. But, I'm happy and we two have so many coincidences, songs, calling at same time, etc....

 

I like you, too have thought there is something magical happening. I totally get it.

 

Life is ...... full of 'who knows what is going to happen next'

 

As long as you are living your life, following your own rules, with regards to love, you will at least be loving the best way that you can... and we're always trying to be better....

 

I make no judgments and I send love and best wishes. Good Luck!