Help me to leave

[Cassie]

I am in a relationship that causes me pain. We have been together 2 years and live together. We have been friends for about 10 years and so our relationship has many wonderful qualities seeing as he is my best friend. We spend almost every waking minute together and have such fun, talk about everything, sex has never been better. He can be very sweet and sometimes says nice things or surprises me. He's got a lot going for him - good looking, great job, future, etc. etc. We are planning a cruise in November and have season tickets to our favourite sport starting next week, just one of the many interests we have in common.

 

But, he calls me names sometimes. Tells me to shut up. Sometimes pushes me or pokes me hard. He has issues with intimacy and commitment. Says I'm not his girlfriend (doesn't refer to me as his girlfriend as he says he doesn't want a committment). Won't tell me he loves me although does tell me I'm beautiful a lot. Sometimes when I go to kiss him or hug him he pushes me away. Doesn't know how to fight fairly - when I bring up something he has done to upset me he tells me I should find a boyfriend if I'm not happy. He's always ready to abandon the relationship. For the last month I have thought that he has started to see someone else. He left his last girl for me and he has a history of overlapping his relationships.

 

It hurts and I can't stand it. I think about it all the time. For so long I have been thinking of ending it, telling him to take his stuff and go (he moved in with me). But I can't seem to do it. I think about being alone, about missing all the good parts of it, about him being with someone else (the thought of this just about kills me) and mostly, whether I will regret it. If I will wish I hadn't done it. He does talk about marriage...what if he grows out of this and I miss out on this relationship with the only man I can be myself with, who can read my mind, who shares my weird sense of humour, who loves all the same things I do and makes me feel so good (when he wants to)?

 

I can't get the words out. I know I don't need to feel hurt and have to question our relationship all the time. I know I should end it, why can't I? I want to say the words and stick with it. Some of you will think I'm an idiot, that it should be easy to leave. I can't explain it. It's not, it's tearing me up inside.

[Tony T]

In psychology, it's called entrapment. You remain in the relationship for the same reason that people keep playing the lottery. Each time they play, they swear it will be their last time but they come back fearing they may miss just the day they would be a big winner.

 

You stay with this guy because each day, you hope that is the day he comes around...he gets himself straight...he starts showing you the respect and consideration you deserve. There is a big jackpot to be won if that happens but it's not likely.

 

One day, you will not have the energy to continue this charade and you will end it. One day, I will not have a dollar to buy a lottery ticket. We will both be winners. In many games, the only winning move is NOT to play.

[Bestkindakid]

Just do it! From my experience, if you have the feeling that he is seeing someone else now, he probably is and that won't stop if it has already begun. I know what it feels like to feel safe with someone who causes you pain. The thought of being alone is terrifying, but you will survive through it and find someone deserving of you. This guy sounds like he has some serious issues with the whole relationship scene and he sounds like he doesn't take you or your feelings seriously. Sure, it's good sometimes, but are you willing to go the rest of your life with him only feeling good sometimes? You deserve to feel good ALL THE TIME, and that is not possible with this commitmentophobic!! Don't settle for less than you deserve.

 

He certainly isn't the "only man you can be yourself with". There are alot of men out there who would treat you better than this guy is. If he still isn't calling you his girlfriend after 2 years, do you think he will ever call you a wife?

 

Just swallow your fear and do it. After you have done that it will be easier and easier day after day. Believe me, I just did it too!! It's hard, but just get out of the house as much as you can, spend time with friends or family and the pain will heal. I promise!!!

[Jenn]

Dear Jenn,

 

I found this website this evening because I was searching for something, someone who has been where I have been and who has felt the pain that I have felt.

 

I recently left my husband. We were together for two years and we were only married for two months. He too called me names, made me feel like I was a piece of crap and made me feel as though when I needed him emotionally or otherwise, that he wasn't there.

 

The name calling got worse. He told me several times to shut my ugly fat f--kin face. He would flip over nothing and I always found myself apologizing. About a week before I left, he grabbed my arm in a store and was escorting me out of the store because I had embarrassed him he said. All I did was ask another customer if they knew where the patio umbrella bases were. The words he said to me are too hurtful to say.

 

It took me three times to leave him for good because when things were good, it was like living on cloud nine. I was never so much in love. I thought for sure I had found my soul mate. We had just about everything in common, I was sexually the most satisfied I'd ever been in my life and he was my best friend. The problem is those times were short-lived and they happened less and less. I found myself in a depression and I resented him more than I've ever resented anyone in my life. I couldn't understand why he kept pushing me away by acting like a jerk or calling me names. He was even going to a psychologist for months and that didn't help.

 

I finally figured out that I had to help myself. I was dealing with an emotionally unstable person that constantly tested my love. He had an abadonment problem and commitment problem. He was dragging me down beyond belief. I cut myself off from friends who disapproved of him and my entire family. The person I once was had been lost. He was controlling, selfish and abusive. It doesn't get any better, believe me. You can't change what he is. The pain only gets worse. The only person that can pull themselves out of this is you.

 

I know what your afraid of. For me it was financial reasons and the fact that I believed I would never again find all the wonderful things or the love that I found in him. You can though. I believe that now. I feel like the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. I moved clear across the country and started back into a career that I absolutely love. I have friends and family and I love myself again. I am a different person because I took the chance and left. He however is still miserable and probably always will be.

 

Only you can do this. I'm here if you need to talk. My e-mail address is: <e-mail address removed>

 

Good luck my friend!

I am in a relationship that causes me pain. We have been together 2 years and live together. We have been friends for about 10 years and so our relationship has many wonderful qualities seeing as he is my best friend. We spend almost every waking minute together and have such fun, talk about everything, sex has never been better. He can be very sweet and sometimes says nice things or surprises me. He's got a lot going for him - good looking, great job, future, etc. etc. We are planning a cruise in November and have season tickets to our favourite sport starting next week, just one of the many interests we have in common.

 

But, he calls me names sometimes. Tells me to shut up. Sometimes pushes me or pokes me hard. He has issues with intimacy and commitment. Says I'm not his girlfriend (doesn't refer to me as his girlfriend as he says he doesn't want a committment). Won't tell me he loves me although does tell me I'm beautiful a lot. Sometimes when I go to kiss him or hug him he pushes me away. Doesn't know how to fight fairly - when I bring up something he has done to upset me he tells me I should find a boyfriend if I'm not happy. He's always ready to abandon the relationship. For the last month I have thought that he has started to see someone else. He left his last girl for me and he has a history of overlapping his relationships. It hurts and I can't stand it. I think about it all the time. For so long I have been thinking of ending it, telling him to take his stuff and go (he moved in with me). But I can't seem to do it. I think about being alone, about missing all the good parts of it, about him being with someone else (the thought of this just about kills me) and mostly, whether I will regret it. If I will wish I hadn't done it. He does talk about marriage...what if he grows out of this and I miss out on this relationship with the only man I can be myself with, who can read my mind, who shares my weird sense of humour, who loves all the same things I do and makes me feel so good (when he wants to)? I can't get the words out. I know I don't need to feel hurt and have to question our relationship all the time. I know I should end it, why can't I? I want to say the words and stick with it. Some of you will think I'm an idiot, that it should be easy to leave. I can't explain it. It's not, it's tearing me up inside.