Marry your Affair?

[frozensprouts]

Of those, how many actually WANTED to be together? I would venture to guess that the majority of affairs are booty calls. It is likely a small percentage that actually WANT to be together.

 

um...i'm confused...

 

why would two affair partners get married if they didn't want to be together?

 

i don't get it...if all someone wants is a roll in the hay, why get married?

 

it seems more like they got married in the heady rush of "love won out...we are together!" only to find out their new love has the same feet of clay as everyone else....

[KeepMeInMind]

um...i'm confused...

 

why would two affair partners get married if they didn't want to be together?

 

i don't get it...if all someone wants is a roll in the hay, why get married?

 

it seems more like they got married in the heady rush of "love won out...we are together!" only to find out their new love has the same feet of clay as everyone else....

 

 

The statistic that was posted was that 5% of affair partners get married. I was just pointing out that I didn't think most affair partners actually want to get married, so they don't.

[findingnemo]

I think you will find cheating women who marry an AP and then don't cheat and say they're happy- who knows for real? I think it's extremely rare for a cheating man to end up in a happy place long term with a wifetress. I believe it is because tw motivations differ slightly. Yes both are addicted to the ego stroking and novelty of an A but women are more inclined to only risk it with the intention of changing partners. Men usually don't start out intending to change partners in an affair. Some get persuaded, some get kicked out, some try to validate their actions by marrying the mistress (must have been love, I was serious and married her).

 

At the end of the day there are always trust issues.

 

And FS I love ya but what's with Prince Charles and his beloved Duchess of Tampons, I mean Cornwall? Sorry but that family is soooo warped they aren't an example of anything to my mind. Except maybe a warning not to drink the Royal Kool-Aid.

 

I know this an old post but I had to respond. The Duchess of Tampons? Ouch!!! I loved Lady Di but facts are facts. Prince Charles loves Camilla and whether we like it or not, they are finally together in a proper way. It's a bit baffling but had they been two regular people, we may have been very happy for them.

[findingnemo]

Stand tall, you asked me where I get my info? IRL. But since I can't name names, I used public figures and qualified it by saying it defied logic. Who knows whether they are happy or not? They are still together.

 

In my world which is still a bit conservative, getting D twice is a big no no. Being single after a certain age is also frowned upon. So yes, there are some Ms between APs. Whether they are happy or not, they are likely to stay M. The man who left his first W doesn't want to be seen leaving another. The woman who slept with someone's H feels that to marry him and stay M justifies the A. So it's a bit hard to know if they would still be together in a more liberal society.

 

What I do hear about some of these couples is that As are the order of the day. Is that a function of "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Or is it because they find they don't have a proper foundation for the R and are unhappy? I don't know.

[SerenityX2]

Of those, how many actually WANTED to be together? I would venture to guess that the majority of affairs are booty calls. It is likely a small percentage that actually WANT to be together.

 

I still find those numbers very low. I've read anywhere from 35-65% of marriages affected by affairs end in divorce. The 65% leans towards those affairs where the married person actually leaves their spouse for the other person or are otherwise in love with the affair partner.

 

I disagree most affairs are booty calls look at the ow board to see that. The overwhelming majority believe they are one-of-a-kind special soulmates. It's repeated over and over if he would only leave his wife theirs would be a perfect blissful match

 

It could be that many marriages touched by affairs do divorce. But I'd bet it's more so initiated by the person that was cheated on not the cheater. That was the case for my ex-husband, when I had the proof I left him. Same with my now husband. His ex wife cheated on him and he found out, he filed. Both of us were years out of our divorces when we met so we were well healed and healthy for new r'ships.

 

One of the big problems I see is that affair partners are leaping from one marriage and right into another serious r'ship and unless it's figured out why they chose to engage in destructive behavior and avoidance, they'll repeat the same actions with different people.

 

So in my opinion the reason that the affair marriages don't work out long term is a mix of things. For one thing, in my situation my ex husband continued to be with the girl when I left for 6 years. (he was a serial cheat though, so keep that in mind...but it was next to impossible to prove) She did want to marry him, but he ended up cheating on her, so much so 4 years later she thought he was trying to get back with me she lasted another 2 years before she gave up and left him. My husband's exwife is not with the same guy that she cheated with. Although b/c her prospects are low, she keeps going back, begging to be with the one guy that will support her, so no happy ending there either.

 

My ex husband even told me once, he never would have married the girl he cheated on me with b/c he couldn't respect her, knowing she cheated with him while he was married, he coudn't trust her! talk about backwards. He went on to date a few others, weirdly enough wanting my approval never did understand that. Anyway he remarried b/c I was getting remarried. His is ending in another divorce still being battled out over a year later b/c she is being an absolute bitch over money. Frankly I find that sad. So he went back to an old girlfriend (whom I've always adored b/c she's so darn sweet) and now she has a terminal illness:( So no happy ending there either.

 

The other reason I don't think these affair marriages work for the most part is the trust issue. As I touched on. What happens when the newness wears out and the more stable comforting love moves in? Even in my situation when I first came to this site (to erroneously try to help people get out of these toxic situations, but ppl here generally aren't ready to hear that) I was newly married and the passion was ridiculous, I even wrote a thread about keeping passion alive, and while it's still true, things have also leveled out a bit more. I can still look at my husband and get those butterflies and we do still have a lot of heat etc sprinkled throughout, but that's certainly not the crux anymore as it was in the beginning. We always had an ease infused with the electricity, but it's just more stable, sane now. Not all starry eyed. SO my (longwinded ) point is. ALL r'ships are going to eventually hit that normalcy where you're not dying to tear each others clothes off.

 

In a post affair situation, how can you seriously trust that other person when all the adrenline rush has stopped? Can you honestly say you're not going to be concerned if he stops out with the guys (so he says) or goes out on an errand? Can he trust that you're really at "girl's night" without a fight ensuing? You know the person is capable of big time deceit and lies, how can you NOT think that can't be turned on you? It's incredibly naive if you think it can't. I'd rather be with someone who never cheated and it's a dealbreaker for them, that I can trust and build security with.

 

Another prime example is how these MM will question the ow if she's dating That tells me he doesn't view the r'ship all that special if he thinks he can just be replaced that quickly and that people just move on like monkeys grabbing the next vine.

 

I do know of one married couple that started as an affair. However he left within 6 weeks WEEKS of them meeting. So there wasn't any deception, he was upfront, he met someone and went for it. Personally I still think people need time off from relationships no matter the reason for the previous one ending in order to heal and become healthy. You can't just bury grief and all r'ships ending have some sort of grief to be dealt with.

 

Just my 2 cents and my opinion only.

[beenburned]

serenity,

 

Great post!

 

Love your picture, that's my kind of place!

[jphcbpa]

Cheating Spouses: 6 Reasons Why Their Affair Won’t Last

 

Posted on 03. Sep, 2010 by Linda in Dealing with Infidelity, Ending an Affair, Surviving an Affair

How long do affairs last? Most experts say the chances are they will not last very long.

 

When I first found out about my husband’s emotional affair, I frantically researched books and the internet on surviving infidelity, as I wanted to know how long do affairs last. What I found was that most resources sited only 10% of cheating spouses in affairs move on to long term relationships. Of those 10%, only half are successful.

Well, if I were a betting person, the odds seemed to be in my favor. In my mind though, I believed Doug’s affair was one of the 10% that could turn into a long term relationship. I felt that way mainly due to what he hold told me about his relationship with Tanya. I felt that they were meant to be together and that they had figured out what it took to have a lasting long term relationship. Obviously I was wrong, and after watching my brother’s affair go down the tubes, I have come to some conclusions on why affairs don’t last.

They begin with lies and deceit. In the beginning it may appear flattering that a person would lie and break their commitment to their spouses just to be with another. However, as the relationship progresses, the cheating spouses begin to wonder if they are lying and betraying each other as well.

For instance, Tanya would have a problem every weekend knowing that Doug was spending a lot of time with me and his family. If she trusted him and believed he kept his commitment to her, why was she jealous? Doug also had mentioned that Tanya had a previous relationship where she got “close” to someone. Is this the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? What if you go through a rough patch? Would you be able to know for certain your affair partner is committed to you? If it happened once, couldn’t it happen again? A relationship that begins with lies and betrayal will always continue—and end, that way.

Their needs aren’t being met. As Dr. Willard Harley suggests in “His Needs Her Needs,” the affair partner may meet one or two of the spouse’s needs perfectly, but the husband/wife are meeting all the others.

During an affair, the cheating spouse may believe that they feel so alive with their affair partner and that person is all that they need to make them complete and happy. Little do they realize though, that the cheating spouse is being fulfilled in other areas by their wife and family.

My brother is the perfect example of this. In April, he left his wife and family and went to live with his affair partner. He didn’t maintain much contact with his wife or any of his kids at all. It only took him three months to realize that his affair partner couldn’t give him everything he needed. He also found that she wasn’t doing a very good job at meeting those needs that she initially had met perfectly.

The other person isn’t so perfect. It is an illusion that the cheating spouse sees the affair partner as a perfect person/companion. Because of the dynamics of the affair, life’s realities rarely enter into the affair relationship. Therefore, the cheating spouses seem to possess all the qualities for each other that they thought had been lacking in their lives previously.

There may be some things that don’t seem so appealing, but they put these unappealing issues in the back of their heads, thinking they really don’t matter so much. They don’t have to live with the other person. Eventually reality strikes, and those less than desirable traits seem to surface more and more and doubt starts to set in. They wonder if it is worth it.

It’s déjà vu all over again. The cheating spouses also bring to their relationship the same problems they had in their marriage. Just because everything is wonderful right now and they feel that their spouses are the reason for their discontent, they will soon learn that their new relationship will just be as unsatisfying and problematic. When a person moves from one relationship to another without any self reflection, the relationship stays the same– only the players have changed.

It gets boring after awhile. Eventually the secrecy, excitement and newness of the relationship wear off. Maintaining an affair, and for the most part leading two separate lives, can be stressful. This will certainly have an effect on the relationship after a while because an affair lacks any real commitment, and therefore there isn’t much to hold the relationship together. They begin to wonder if all the trouble is really worth it.

The cheating spouse realizes that the potential loss is too great. When the cheater is faced with the consequences of his/her actions, they often come to the harsh reality of what potentially they could lose. Besides the obvious of losing their current spouse, they are subject to lose the love and respect of their children, friends and family. They are subject to losses both financially and emotionally as well.

Experts seem to agree that most affairs don’t last and that the cheating spouses who are involved regret their decisions.

Thinking about Doug’s and my brother’s affair, it upsets me to know that the initial feelings of admiration, attention and excitement can cause so much turmoil to people they have been forging relationships with for years.