At the crossroads of a marriage

[CROSSROADS]

I know I am at a very critical crossroad in my marriage. Part of me wants to call it quits, part of me wants to hang on for the children’s sake and part of me wants to actually have a close and loving relationship with my husband. I know I need to get into some counseling but it is a scary thing to do when you are doing it alone and picking a therapist to tell all your problems to just by throwing a dart at the available counselors from our insurance coverage.

 

I’ve been married for 12 years and have two kids, 10 and 7. We got married late, I was 33 – he was 40. We wanted kids so we tried right away, had problems, went through some infertility treatments and was lucky enough to have baby #1, started trying for baby #2 maybe a year after the first one was born, took awhile again but we were blessed with baby #2. I would say that attempting to get pregnant and child raising pretty much took up the first 5 years of our marriage. There were problems during this period but they pretty much were of the type, I have to take care of the kids while he still does all his sports and guy stuff – resentment built and put some distance between us.

 

As the kids grew and started up sports themselves, he did cut way back on his partying and became an involved “sports” parent, is pretty much at every game and practice. I guess maybe once he came back into the fold of our family I could feel how distant we were. We really never did anything as a couple, it was always as a family, I think I even had my sister offer to take the kids for a night but I thought to myself, geez what would even do together anymore. I keep thinking to myself that we are so different in the way we think, the priorities we have, our really only common goal is our kids who we both love dearly.

 

The last year has been really our most emotional as we have started to face our problems by talking about them and how to resolve. I was surprised by one of our conversations where he said he would not leave our home/kids even if I wanted to separate, which I thought would be good for us but bad for the kids. There are days I really do hate him and I’m glad I don’t have any available weapons for use, other days I don’t care anything about him, I just feel empty and sad.

 

I guess what really has brought this to a head is that he is going with a couple guys to another state for an overnight getaway - which just happens to be where his “platonic” email friend lives. When confronted he did say he was going to see her but it is just someone to talk to and not anything more. He met this woman at a business conference about a year ago, he has been emailing her since that time, I don’t think she is interested in anything more than some type of friendship (I have read most of their emails – no he does not know this) but I do believe that given the chance my husband would jump at a relationship with her . He is the one that went through a lot of trouble to find her email and write her, she writes back sporadically but I think she is some kind of emotional crutch for him, I guess the experts would say he is having an emotional affair. I guess when I first found out about her it was an impetus for us to sit down and talk about our relationship. We’ve had some good months this past year and some really bad ones. I don’t really believe she is the problem in our marriage but just a symptom….I just feel so lonely and scared at this point, I don’t where to go.

Thanks for letting me purge!

[almostANangel]

I feel really bad for you. I am in a loveless marriage as well (still together for our son). If you really want the best for your childeren, isn' t it better that they see a healthy relationship between their parents? Even if you put on a good show, children are very intuitive, and will be affected. Sometimes, co-parenting in seperate households can be better than seeing a couple go under.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I guess what really has brought this to a head is that he is going with a couple guys to another state for an overnight getaway - which just happens to be where his “platonic” email friend lives. When confronted he did say he was going to see her but it is just someone to talk to and not anything more.

 

Not Good. Not good, at all.

 

As his WIFE you have every right to insist that he not go. If he chooses to discount your feelings, and goes anyway, then he should do so knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt there will be consequences. You have no reason to feel 'afraid' or intimidated. You marriage and family are at stake, here. It won't do anyone any good if you lie down and play dead. Your husband (and marriage) is on its way out, anyway.

 

There are many options if you can muster the courage to become proactive rather than ambivalent. You have the woman's email. You could contact her and inform her that you are well aware that your husband intends to meet up with her, and that he is blatantly doing so against your wishes…and that if she chooses to follow through, than she does so being FULLY aware that she will be partly responsible for any consequence that follows. Tell her you'll be contacting an attorney and shipping your husband's belongings to her address by the end of the weekend. Don't be nasty, rather "wish her luck" with a man who is so insensitive that he would turn his back on his own wife and children.

 

You could hire a private detective to follow him and gather whatever evidence you need to expedite a speedy divorce. Depending on the state in which you live, you will not only get primary occupancy of your home, custody of your children, half the property settlement, and generous child support…but because you have been a homemaker and unemployed for so many years, it is HIGHLY likely that the court will take this into consideration and grant you additional spousal support as well.

 

Take the weekend while your husband is away (if he indeed decides to go) and contact an attorney and find out what your options are. And print those emails out as evidence, too! Believe me Crossroads, you are not STUCK!

[HokeyReligions]

Tell him that if he values the marriage to not go on the trip. No sense testing himself or you by deliberately putting temptation in front of him.

 

Go to <URL removed> and read the information there. Print it out and read it to your husband. Then take the questionnairs togethers. Don't do them all at once. My husband and I did one every week and one of them we took two weeks to complete and discuss. They really helped our communication and helped lower our stress levels.

 

All marriages reach crossroads sometimes. You can certainly still have a happy and loving marriage--better than before even. Go through counseling. If you have insurance that will cover some of it USE IT! Take the information from Marriage Builders to the counselor so that they can see your point of reference and work with you. It's a great starting point.

 

I am actually getting a divorce from my husband right now because we are having problems falling back in love. No children are involved right now, but when they were and we had problems we went through counseling and stayed together or only separated for short periods with no legal separation or divorce. Now that our children are gone (a HUGE factor in our current situation and divorce) we have decided that the symbolic and legal divorce may help us emotionally to heal ourselves. In your case - you can stay together or have a trial separation. But I strongly urge you to use the counseling services to define your goals together and as individuals, and then use the tools the counselor gives you, and marriage builders too, to help reach those goals and create new ones.

[Karlise13]

Hi

 

That sounds really tough. I can only imagine the loneliness and frustration you have to endure.

 

There's nothing wrong than being with someone and feeling lonelier WITH them than you would without them.

 

Sometimes couples do rediscover each other as the children become more independent.

A co-worker of mine told me the first five years of her marriage were great. They started having a lot of difficulties after the first two children were born. They had financial difficulties and she was also going through nursing school, so everyone was just on edge a lot of the time.

She said they came close to divorce several times. The only thing that stopped her was the idea of raising two small children on her own and having to put school on hold.

So after five good years came five horrible years, as she puts it. Then came ten 'so-so' years and then five 'really good' years. Her kids are doing well. all in college now and she and her husband have discovered sailing.

 

So after 25 years she says it's all balanced out and she's looking forward to the golden years.

 

I don't know if that story helps you, but I guess some people can manage to stick it out and wait for the good times to return.

 

Other times, it may be better to seperate.

 

Let us know how things work out for you

[Karlise13]

Let me rephrase...

 

 

I meant to say there's nothing WORSE than being with someone who makes you feel lonelier WITH them than you would feel without them

[crossroads]

As the week goes on I seem to be getting worse, I wrote my husband an email the other day as I really can't talk to him without crying, just telling him how awful I felt an how I know the real problem is not "other" woman but our marriage as a whole. I just told him I was numb and empty. He said that he thought I would feel better if I talked about it but how can I say to him that I don't believe we even have the building blocks of a relationship, I don't trust or respect him, I don't desire him. I can't say those things and then try to take them back a month down the road when/if I was feeling better. I'm not sure it would be fair to share those hurtful feeling with him. I guess I need to really look into the counseling issue for me - maybe down the line it will include him but I guess I need to decide if I even want to fight for this marriage or not.

Thanks for all your advice!