After the break up....xMM good or evil?

[KeepMeInMind]

Ack!!

 

After reading your reply I realized I wasn't clear to what's untrue.

 

What is untrue is not finding another man like that, discovering those feelings again.

 

You will find those feelings again and so much more.

 

 

I sure hope so. My wounds are fresh, so it is hard to imagine it now. I know everyone thinks their story is unique, but I know mine was. Or at least, not the norm. I can't believe I'm even here on this board looking for guidance and perhaps it's sad, but, encouragement and hope. My MM said he would leave his wife, and he did. But couldn't live with the guilt and went back after 4 total weeks from d-day and 3 weeks of us living together (but with daily contact between the two of them). Not back home, but back into his commitment. The divorce was filed immediately after d-day (she initiated it, moved on quickly, not like I was being strung along at all) and would've been final really soon. All parties know that there is no prediction as to how this will turn out. I don't give up hope for me and him. But at the same time, I wish him all the happiness in the world. I don't believe he will find that with his W, but despite this A and his betrayal to her, I still feel he deserves it. If it happens with his W (complete happiness), then that is the best thing for him, and I will be happy for him. Everyone thinks their R is special, but I know ours was, however wrong and immoral it was.

[beenburned]

Thank you Nemo for your honest explanation!

 

Unfortunately, my D is experiencing this in real life now, as she goes through her D from her H.

 

I'm sure both of his OW are feeling a lot of the same things my D is. Total shock and disbelief at the extent of all of his long term lies and betrayals.

[jwi71]

I sure hope so. My wounds are fresh, so it is hard to imagine it now.

 

Yeah, I know. You'll just have to trust me on that one. I married my college sweetheart and spent 15 years together before it all blew up. Never thought I would ever love again.

 

I was wrong. Very wrong.

 

I know everyone thinks their story is unique, but I know mine was. Or at least, not the norm.

 

That was unintentionally funnny.

And no, you're situation is very similar to others. Not saying this to be rude just a fact. While its true that every A is unique, they are all also the same. They all have similiar themes and simiar stories. At times it's as if only the faces change.

 

Read. Research. You might be shocked at some very strong parallels.

 

I can't believe I'm even here on this board looking for guidance and perhaps it's sad, but, encouragement and hope.

 

Haha, everyone here knows this feeling.

Not the last time you'll feel it either either here in regards to your story or in life in general.

 

My MM said he would leave his wife, and he did. But couldn't live with the guilt and went back after 4 total weeks from d-day and 3 weeks of us living together (but with daily contact between the two of them). Not back home, but back into his commitment. The divorce was filed immediately after d-day (she initiated it, moved on quickly, not like I was being strung along at all) and would've been final really soon. All parties know that there is no prediction as to how this will turn out.

 

It's called yo-yo'ing. Bounce out then back.

Very common. And not just in A's. Dating a divorcing or separated person carries similiar risk. A's tend to magnify it though. And you've got both aspects to contend with. It's a very rough ride (generally).

 

I don't give up hope for me and him. But at the same time, I wish him all the happiness in the world. I don't believe he will find that with his W, but despite this A and his betrayal to her, I still feel he deserves it. If it happens with his W (complete happiness), then that is the best thing for him, and I will be happy for him. Everyone thinks their R is special, but I know ours was, however wrong and immoral it was.

 

Hope can be good or bad. It can uplift us through the darkness into the light and it can equally keep us mired in the muck.

 

You just work on you. Ignore him and his M. You navigate your own issues.

In fact, the standard line of NC until he is D (finalized, not just filed) applies here. Do not become so enmeshed in HIM that you lose sight of YOU.

 

Then take baby steps together IF the opportunity presents itself. And IF you even still want to.

 

Oh, I want some mad props for typing that, quotes too, on an IPhone. Hell yeah I'm awesome. ( unless autocorrect got me, then not so much)

 

Just kept plugging along. Left foot right foot, one step at a time.

[findingnemo]

Great thread!

 

The reason I often ask why the OW demonizes the MM after the affair is over is because so often the OW here attempt to demonize our husbands that have had any type of affair. And, in doing so, attempt to paint us as stupid or duped for still being married to them.

 

My H was, and still is to some degree, a conflict avoider. He was in a great deal of pain that he had trouble articulating to me after the death of his mother. And he was NOT the best partner I could have asked for during that time period. As a person that is not a conflict avoider, I had no problem telling him so. And probably didn't do so in the most effective way.

 

But I could see why she fell for him AND why she never demonized him either. Unfortunately, she and her friends attempted to demonize me. But no matter. I am still learning and growing just like everybody else is.

 

The most important thing I have learned from this thread is how the OW's expectations played into how they feel about the MM after the affair is over, regardless of how it ends (amicably or bitterly). It seems that if the OW felt the MM was cheating because his spouse was so horrible (whether assumed or told), or because the OW was too good to pass up (signs of a cake eater), or whatever reason agreeable to the OW, that the MM was in the wrong for leading her to believe these things and that's why he ends up demonized.

 

Unmet expectations = bitterness? Usually, no matter what label one gives themselves.

 

I don't get bitterness. I just don't.

 

I don't understand why anybody would be bitter about things not working out the way they want. Be they OPs, BS' or whatever. I get being angry, sad, broken-hearted but bitter? Bitterness to me seems to be a result of an inability to get over things. For me to be bitter that xMM chose his family is a clear inability for me to get over myself. Really? Am I that good that I would for one minute think that xMM's family should come after me? The way I love my kids, I so understand how he loves his. Nobody is taking me away from my kids. Not even if xMM woke up one day and decided he wanted to be with me. If the price for being with xMM was to leave my kids with my H...hell no, I'd pick my kids anytime.

 

I've always thought that love isn't enough. I was taught that love doesn't hurt people, that love is noble. There are countless stories of people in love who could never be together. There's also different degrees of love and different types of love. In my culture, love for one's children is above and beyond any other type of love. So when someone decides to do something for the love of his/her kids, no other thing beats that. Maybe that makes it easier for me to accept reality. Real love regardless of whether expectations were met or not cannot in my book become bitterness.

 

If I ever find myself being bitter, I'll know that the problem lies in the way I'm perceiving things. I'd need to change my thinking...

[KeepMeInMind]

Yeah, I know. You'll just have to trust me on that one. I married my college sweetheart and spent 15 years together before it all blew up. Never thought I would ever love again.

 

I was wrong. Very wrong.

 

 

 

That was unintentionally funnny.

And no, you're situation is very similar to others. Not saying this to be rude just a fact. While its true that every A is unique, they are all also the same. They all have similiar themes and simiar stories. At times it's as if only the faces change.

 

Read. Research. You might be shocked at some very strong parallels.

 

 

 

Haha, everyone here knows this feeling.

Not the last time you'll feel it either either here in regards to your story or in life in general.

 

 

 

It's called yo-yo'ing. Bounce out then back.

Very common. And not just in A's. Dating a divorcing or separated person carries similiar risk. A's tend to magnify it though. And you've got both aspects to contend with. It's a very rough ride (generally).

 

 

 

Hope can be good or bad. It can uplift us through the darkness into the light and it can equally keep us mired in the muck.

 

You just work on you. Ignore him and his M. You navigate your own issues.

In fact, the standard line of NC until he is D (finalized, not just filed) applies here. Do not become so enmeshed in HIM that you lose sight of YOU.

 

Then take baby steps together IF the opportunity presents itself. And IF you even still want to.

 

Oh, I want some mad props for typing that, quotes too, on an IPhone. Hell yeah I'm awesome. ( unless autocorrect got me, then not so much)

 

Just kept plugging along. Left foot right foot, one step at a time.

 

 

Been NC since the second day after I left, but that has still only been 2.5 days.

 

Regarding the uniqueness of our story, I didn't mean the actual story of the A itself, more or less how we met, why we met, why we clicked. We both share a very unique lifestyle. Think of it as two musicians making music together for years and falling in love. Take something you are born to do and are very passionate about and then add a partner to it.

 

Not saying my story is better/above/more special than anyone else's. Just that it is different. I know it is not one of a kind!! Just a bit less common.

 

BTW, no kids involved.

[KeepMeInMind]

findingnemo, I, too, believe that love is not enough. Enough to leave, enough to stay..either one.

[findingnemo]

Yeah, I know. You'll just have to trust me on that one. I married my college sweetheart and spent 15 years together before it all blew up. Never thought I would ever love again.

 

I was wrong. Very wrong.

 

 

 

That was unintentionally funnny.

And no, you're situation is very similar to others. Not saying this to be rude just a fact. While its true that every A is unique, they are all also the same. They all have similiar themes and simiar stories. At times it's as if only the faces change.

 

Read. Research. You might be shocked at some very strong parallels.

 

 

 

Haha, everyone here knows this feeling.

Not the last time you'll feel it either either here in regards to your story or in life in general.

 

 

 

It's called yo-yo'ing. Bounce out then back.

Very common. And not just in A's. Dating a divorcing or separated person carries similiar risk. A's tend to magnify it though. And you've got both aspects to contend with. It's a very rough ride (generally).

 

 

 

Hope can be good or bad. It can uplift us through the darkness into the light and it can equally keep us mired in the muck.

 

You just work on you. Ignore him and his M. You navigate your own issues.

In fact, the standard line of NC until he is D (finalized, not just filed) applies here. Do not become so enmeshed in HIM that you lose sight of YOU.

 

Then take baby steps together IF the opportunity presents itself. And IF you even still want to.

 

Oh, I want some mad props for typing that, quotes too, on an IPhone. Hell yeah I'm awesome. ( unless autocorrect got me, then not so much)

 

Just kept plugging along. Left foot right foot, one step at a time.

 

OFF TOPIC but important:

 

You know jwi71, I'll never forget you teaching me the term "cognitive dissonance". Finally, I had an explanation for what I was feeling! You are amongst the many posters here who deals with each individual situation and on behalf of those individuals, I want to thank you. This post, and so many others, is one of the reasons why LS is so helpful to people. I wish all those who complain, complain, complain could choose to see the good and ignore the bad. THANK YOU!!!!

 

It's time we had threads talking about how supportive LS is. I'm getting fed up of all the negative one's...

 

End of self t/j.

[findingnemo]

Lady, I don't think you're bitter. I think you feel betrayed...even violated. That's what I read when you post. Bitter? No. But even then, you know what they say? The end goal is indifference. You can't help others who may become future victims. You can only help yourself. And that's what you're doing here.

 

{{{{{Hugs, LG}}}}}