Worthless

[verhrzn]

Where you go anthro, I go interactionist :

 

We all know that a miscommunication involves two sets of interlocutors, each with their set of characteristics that cause the misunderstanding. You have an analysis of the ways in who you are contributes to being misunderstood. But what about LS's posters motivations to respond to you and our contribution to the misunderstanding?

 

I think Eddie Eddirol has enounciated some of the ways in which the misunderstanding happens from our end.

 

Yesterday, I offered the hypothesis that we tend to offer the kind of advice we do because we're reacting to your pain. Perhaps not in way you find helpful, but in ways we hope will help.

 

What about you... Why do you think LS reacts the way it does? Don't make this answer about your personal characteristics... Let's figure out who your interlocutors are. This way, you can be better equipped to respond to us - and guide us in supporting you.

 

I have.... no idea how to answer this. Being strictly honest. What is a interlocutor?

[xxoo]

Find someone who has it worse than you, and make their day a little brighter.

[verhrzn]

Find someone who has it worse than you, and make their day a little brighter.

 

... Again with the "I'm a freak," but that actually doesn't make me feel better. Mostly because I can't do it. I've volunteered plenty of times, and I seem to make people feel WORSE, being socially awkward and all. And then there's some amount of resentment that I'm trying to make THEM feel better while they are ignoring MY needs. (Being totally honest here.)

 

*Sigh* Seriously. So many f*cking things wrong with me.

[xxoo]

... Again with the "I'm a freak," but that actually doesn't make me feel better. Mostly because I can't do it. I've volunteered plenty of times, and I seem to make people feel WORSE, being socially awkward and all. And then there's some amount of resentment that I'm trying to make THEM feel better while they are ignoring MY needs. (Being totally honest here.)

 

*Sigh* Seriously. So many f*cking things wrong with me.

 

If the social interaction part is awkward, do work that doesn't require it. Make sandwiches and deliver them to a shelter. Walk dogs at the humane society.

 

The point is that it makes you a valuable part of the community. You can not be worthless if you are making a positive difference in the community.

[verhrzn]

If the social interaction part is awkward, do work that doesn't require it. Make sandwiches and deliver them to a shelter. Walk dogs at the humane society.

 

The point is that it makes you a valuable part of the community. You can not be worthless if you are making a positive difference in the community.

 

Well my point was more that... that stuff doesn't make me feel better. I've volunteered at the Humane Society, at an elderly care center in the kitchens. It's just a chore for me. I don't get anything out of it. Like I said... I'm a freak, cause apparently this makes everybody else but me feel better.

[Kamille]

I have.... no idea how to answer this. Being strictly honest. What is a interlocutor?

 

People who are engaged in a dialogue. (Or speaker). In this case, you and I are currently engaged in a conversation. As such, we're both involved in how the message is communicated.

 

I guess the point i'm trying to get across is that you might not be perfect, but neither is the medium (internet forum), nor the people who are trying to help you (I heard a rumor no one is perfect... It remains to be confimed). I hope that thinking about who we are, why we want to help you and why we do it the way we do will help you in your quest for answers.

[xxoo]

Well my point was more that... that stuff doesn't make me feel better. I've volunteered at the Humane Society, at an elderly care center in the kitchens. It's just a chore for me. I don't get anything out of it. Like I said... I'm a freak, cause apparently this makes everybody else but me feel better.

 

It isn't really a thrill for me, either. It is a chore for us, too. But it does make us feel like we have value--that our lives have meaning.

 

If I don't do this work, who will? Maybe no one. I am needed.

 

You are, too.

 

My life is utterly worthless. My existence is nothing but mediocrity and misery.

 

It may seem insignificant, but if you make life tolerable for one dog, or provide a meal for one person who can't provide her own, your existence is meaningful. More meaningful than being beautiful, or talented, or making lots of money. Caring for others is the meaning of life, for me.

 

What is the meaning of life to you?

[xxoo]

Do you feel that you need to excel at something in order to have value?

[verhrzn]

Do you feel that you need to excel at something in order to have value?

 

Yes. I don't feel value because I'm needed... feeling needed actually makes me feel kind of resentful. I find value in accomplishments and success.

[Eddie Edirol]

I find value in accomplishments and success.

 

What was the longest that you practiced at something to work on accomplishing it?

[Kamille]

Yes. I don't feel value because I'm needed... feeling needed actually makes me feel kind of resentful. I find value in accomplishments and success.

 

If success is important to you, then maybe we can help. I think EE's idea of breaking it down into a process could actually work. (I don't think commenting on what you did in the past is helpful however).

 

Is that something you'd be willing to try? If so, can you pick one goal that you'd be willing to work on?

[verhrzn]

What was the longest that you practiced at something to work on accomplishing it?

 

Well I've been writing stories since I was 5 years old (I am 26 years old.) Until I could write them myself, I'd dictate them to my parents. From age 8 on, I wrote them on a computer. From ages 10-18, I wrote enough stories to fill about 6 floppy disks. Since about age 14, I've written about 4 300+ page novels.

 

... And I am still an awful, awful writer. Even though I clearly love writing, and have dedicated quite a bit of time to it.

[verhrzn]

Is that something you'd be willing to try? If so, can you pick one goal that you'd be willing to work on?

 

How bout writing? I've read tons of books on "how to write a novel," "how to save a novel," "novel writing for dummies" and I still feel like I majorly suck.

[Eddie Edirol]

If success is important to you, then maybe we can help. I think EE's idea of breaking it down into a process could actually work. (I don't think commenting on what you did in the past is helpful however).

 

I only brought up what she did in the past to try to use it as a guide to narrowing things down, adjust the communication, I guess it came out wrong....

 

 

BTW V, good or bad writers are subjective, remember anyone who is published has an editor to take care of all of the grammaticals, if the story is good, it could still be great if the right publisher likes it. Remember the Harry Potter woman went through years of publishers before one actually gave her a shot, but she worked hard running around to get it in the right hands.

[Kamille]

How bout writing? I've read tons of books on "how to write a novel," "how to save a novel," "novel writing for dummies" and I still feel like I majorly suck.

 

 

I'm getting excited because my current top goal is writing (academic however). I also need improvement and I'm reading books that are geared towards helping me get published. Would that be an objective you'd share?

 

Would you be into starting an informal LS writing club?

 

Otherwise, I originally just thought we could try to break down the goal for you personally (not involving me in it). I'm not a life coach - so I don't really know how to do it, but I figure that between all of us, we have enough sense to come up with a good plan.

 

So you've identified a passion: writing, as well as some strengths (clearly you're good at sitting down and doing it) and weaknesses (you feel you could improve something about your writing - the style? the narrative structure?)

 

I'd say, step one is to set an attainable goal with your writing. How does getting published sound to you?

[Eddie Edirol]

How bout writing? I've read tons of books on "how to write a novel," "how to save a novel," "novel writing for dummies" and I still feel like I majorly suck.

 

Ooh! now we can get specific, how do you think you suck at writing these stories?

[verhrzn]

Ooh! now we can get specific, how do you think you suck at writing these stories?

 

I lack the ability to be subtle in my themes. I tend to get really muddled with the idea of what message I'm trying to say, or I hit you over the head with it. My writing style can get a bit confusing; my mother laughs at my mixed metaphors, and my ex described my style as "pedestrian."

 

Two of my favorite writers are JK Rowling and Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald wrote very simplistic stories with very blunt emotions in an elegant and haunting way. Rowling has a very workmanship style... not a lot of flourishes, gets the job done... but the imagination of her story, and the weight of her themes, is really what signals her expertise.

 

There are epic story writers like Martin or Tolkien, who can just write dense, dense stories with lots of characters and lots of "useless" information, while still making the novels engaging and entertaining.

 

Lastly, I'd categorize "sensational" authors like Stephanie Myers or Dan Brown, whose stories are sheer fluff, lack theme and character development, but have something that just hit within the cultural mindset. Something about their stories just hit a nerve.

 

I can't quite figure out which I am. I am some muddled imitation of any and all of those.

 

Sure, an LS Writing Club would be fun.

[xxoo]

V, I hope you can separate out not having realized your dreams of success from being worthless. I know that the "middle ground" has come up as a theme in your threads before, and once again, there is an immense middle ground (where most of us exist) that you skip over to get to "worthless".

 

You are judging your writing against some of the most successful writers in history. Keep that in mind.

 

This first thing I thought of when you mentioned writing is--you have a sharp wit and a unique view, as a woman who lives, works, and plays in a "man's world". You could write a book about your experiences. Just look at how many of us read your threads! You'd make millions

[CopingGal]

Verhrzn,

 

I tried to pm you, but the email did not go through. The message said you have too many messages and you have to clear some out. My message never went through to you. I had some places for you to call.

[january2011]

A saying I like is, "stop comparing other people's outsides with your insides."

 

You don't know what internal personal demons that person is fighting. You don't know how every morning they put on a mask and pretend to be someone they're not just to get through the day. Just because someone hides it well, it doesn't mean that they're not going through the same struggles that you are. The self-criticism, the feeling of not being worthy or enough, the feeling that they're a fake and that they're going to be found out and humiliated.

 

None of us really have any idea what we're doing. When we reach adulthood, we're meant to transition into these 'useful members of society'. It's a lot of pressure. The fact that you still wakeup every morning, get yourself to work, do some work and get yourself through the day, as well as maintain some semblance of a social life with people who like and want to be with you, is more than adequate.

 

You are enough. You do not have to measure yourself against some arbitrary goal that we are socialised to believe we all must reach to be considered to have 'made it'. Stop letting these thoughts, feelings and expectations paralyse you and stop you from living your life. Choose to be happy. Know that, "I, Verhrzn, am good enough. This is who I am and it's okay."

Edited March 30, 2012 by january2011

[Anela]

Well, I'll give you advice, take it or leave it.

 

This is coming from a person who used to be a heroin addict with a life not worth living; a person who has done bad things that affected other people, not only myself, and also who has had demonic (at times) issues with depression.

 

"Act as if."

 

Yep.

 

Sounds like pablum, but there you have it.

 

"Act as if" your life is NOT worthless, even though you don't believe that. "Act as if" you FEEL gratitude for some of your blessings even though you don't feel it. (This is not a dig at you for being ungrateful. I think it's impossible to feel grateful when you are in such a dark place. But intellectually you can find many things worthy of gratitude in your life.)

 

Also, make a commitment to devote specified, organized time to do for others. I mean, work. Not taking clothes to the goodwill. Even if you hate it.

 

Fake it for at least some of the time every day. This will at least give you a little time in the "positive" rather than the "negative."

 

Yes, these things sound like stupid cliches. I would have bitterly rejected them until I was desperate enough to try.

 

Fortunately for me (ironically) the addiction part of my problem lead me to a 12 step program where there was group support for this stuff, so I was not in the position to have to undertake it by myself. I don't know if I could or would have been able to do that.

 

This reminds me of a book recommended to me a year ago, by an online friend - a book by Melody Beattie, called Make Miracles in 40 Days.

 

The idea is to make a list of ten things in the form of a gratitude list, including things that you really aren't grateful for at all. I liked the book, but never did finish the project, because it seems like things keep getting thrown at me, and when it comes to things like losing someone to death, she says that that's obviously something you aren't going to be grateful for. You can feel grateful for your anger, though.

 

This is her site: Make Miracles in Forty Days - I hope I don't get into trouble for posting the link. I can't remember what the rules are for that, and my internet keeps cutting out.

[threebyfate]

When you're always comparing yourself with everyone else, this is the best way to ensure self-destruction.

 

No matter who you are and what you can do, there will always be people who can do or be better. Let go of your need to be the best, believing that to be the best it will somehow define you. Define yourself, rather than chasing the pack.

[verhrzn]

Verhrzn,

 

I tried to pm you, but the email did not go through. The message said you have too many messages and you have to clear some out. My message never went through to you. I had some places for you to call.

 

Sorry bout that, try now.

[Kamille]

Morning V.

 

It sounds like you have a sense of what kind of voice you want to have. If I understand correctly, you tend to have long-arching narratives and a casts of characters that appear throughout your work (4000 pages).

 

I'm currently doing on a seminar on how to get published (academic but some elements could be transferable). Step one is to select a rough draft of a text we've written in the past. We don't have to feel that it's well written, we just have to believe that it makes an important point.

 

So if you applied that to some of your writing, which piece of what you wrote do you feel would be best for this project? It doesn't have to be well-written. It either has to be step one (in order to publish more, you need to introduce your cast) or original (the narrative structure is compelling) or a part of the text you most enjoyed writing (if it is, try to figure out what made you enjoy that particular part the most).

 

I started a writing club thread. Once you've selected the piece, post there and explain why you selected that part of your work as the first part you would like to work on.

[PlumPrincess]

You're young. Change your location and acquire as many different experiences in life as you can. Go to a different country where you don't have to pay so much for university and get your degree there. You might also get a bonus with the local guys for being an exotic foreigner.

 

I also sometimes think I'm also pretty mediocre, but I try not to let it get to me, because the only person who is going to be unhappy about it is me and I've decided that I actually prefer to be happy.

 

You had more relationships at your age than I ever had. And you're introspective, which is good. You have a job with an ok salary, which seems not that common considering your economy. You don't have major health problems. So not everything is as bleak as you believe.