corfu2 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Hey, I'm looking for some advice. My father was depressed all the time when I was growing up and was verbally and physically abusive from as early as I can remember til I was 20, I won't go into it but it wasn't great. My mother was a passive witness to this and was never emotionally available, I think she shut off to try to protect herself. I was always punished and called weak for showing emotion at all in response to anything.. Now I've quite a bit of self hatred and can get very depressed. I started therapy a few weeks ago but don't seem to be able to feel any sadness about what happened and apart from being angry I'm mainly numb about it. I can talk about what happened and hardly feel anything. I don't know if this is because I still subconsciously believe I deserved the abuse. I barely ever cry and haven't at all in about 2 yrs.. I can feel fine sometimes but then the depression or whatever it is always comes back and it's horrible. Has anyone any ideas on how to start accessing these emotions that I think I've basically cut myself off from? (picturing myself as a child/ watching sad films doesn't seem to work much!) It's so frustrating to be able to feel self hate so strongly and yet never to be able to cry which might be some relief. I'm guessing that this might cause/contribute to the depression as well. I don't know if it was never having been shown any compassion growing up which has left me unable to feel much sympathy (if that's the right word) for myself..
casanovadude81 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I don't think there is an easy answer. Can you cry tears of joy?
Author corfu2 Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 Hmmm well I guess occasionally I might get tears in my eyes at something but not actual crying as such..
Forever Learning Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I can sympathize with you. This is not uncommon for folks who have gone through alot, especially in childhood. Keep talking about things, you may eventually reach a breakthrough where the emotion will return to you and/or you will break down the barriers and tap into emotions you have barricaded up in your subconscious. A punching bag or kick boxing type equipment might help in expressing anger. As with all things, don't give up and give it time, those emotions will come back to you eventually, now that you are addressing these things from your past. Hang in there and good luck. 1
CopingGal Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Try keeping a journal to get your feelings out. Journaling really helps. 2
Author corfu2 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Forever Learning: Thanks for the advice. I pretty much agree with you that it's a matter of waiting and maybe at some point I'll be able to better access emotions. I just would really like for there to be a shortcut! When it comes to anger though I can access that pretty easily and already do a good bit of exercise which does help a lot. CopingGal: I might try journaling, I can see that it might help. A bit of a problem though is that when I'm in a place where I'm hating myself I can't see how writing this down is going to do much positive.. Still I guess I should try it! 1
Forever Learning Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Forever Learning: Thanks for the advice. I pretty much agree with you that it's a matter of waiting and maybe at some point I'll be able to better access emotions. I just would really like for there to be a shortcut! When it comes to anger though I can access that pretty easily and already do a good bit of exercise which does help a lot. CopingGal: I might try journaling, I can see that it might help. A bit of a problem though is that when I'm in a place where I'm hating myself I can't see how writing this down is going to do much positive.. Still I guess I should try it! This will sound dumb and maybe it is but if you are having a hard time crying, would watching a sad movie help? I absolutely avoid sad movies because they depress me but I also noticed, I sometimes have an easier time crying if it were for something terribly tragic that happened to someone else, for example a movie that is non-fiction. Like, maybe "Schindler's List" or something of that nature. If you are able to tap into that sad feeling within yourself, in sympathy for the sad experiences of others, then after the movie think of the things that made you sad in your childhood. Then write it in a journal, or go punch a punching bag, or scream into a pillow, or exhaust yourself with strenous exercise. Just ideas on helping to vent stubborn emotions that are hard to reach within. Believe me I do sympathize, I've been there. And, read all you can around here, in all areas. You will learn alot, and along the way, possibly learn more about yourself, in the stories of others. Good luck and all the very best to you!!! 1
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