Wife walked out on me. I want her back !

[tears_in_rain]

Hi. I'm an unfortunate newbie here. This may be a long story but it may have elements many of you can relate to judging by what I have read.

 

My wife walked out on me ten days ago and I'm in pieces.

We have been together and in love for 15 years and married for the last two and a half years.

I am 36 and she is 35 and we have always considered ourselves as best friends, soulmates & lovers.

 

Over 15 years we have never had any real problems except a brief split a few years prior to marrying. I had to get over a dope smoking habit. Which I did. We never shouted at each other, hit one another, cheated or swore at each other. We are so similar in interests and have so much in common. The good times rolled. Until maybe a year ago.

 

My wife expressed her dislike of my heavy drinking, understandably. This is not a drink in the morning and then onwards type of heavy drinking but more like an hour or so after work I would crack open a few cans (3 or 4) and then have a few glasses of wine. Normally everyday. (not good I know).

 

I was sick of my job and worried that I couldn't find a better one to pay for the things we wanted in the near future like a place of our own and kids. (not that we didn't live rent free in a very nice and safe part of town albeit a basement appartment with not a great deal of light). I was the only one bringing in any income due to her wanting to be an artist, then an illustrator and then training to be a yoga teacher. I supported her financially and emotionally through the good times and the bad paying all bills, holiday costs (she wants about three of those a year) and the rest.

 

The drinking caused me to stay up late at home doing my own thing and often I didn't go to bed at the same as my wife. So she felt neglected. Though many times she had simply fallen asleep on the sofa very early and then I carried her exhausted to bed or gently suggested she'd be better off going bed a couple of hours later. Often she must have expected me to follow her to bed for some lovin' but sometimes when she was so tired I assumed wrongly or not that she wanted to sleep.

 

We did have plenty of sex (apparently not enough) and were both attracted to each other. But she felt neglected and lonely that I didn't always come to bed with her even if just to give her company. This didn't happen all the time but enough obviously to really annoy her.

 

We had talked about having kids but she never really believed I wanted them and that I wasn't responsible enough to have them. I did want them and felt I was responsible. Anyway she said she wanted to start trying for kids in March (now) and that I should get my act together and change the bad habits I had. So I did.

 

I stopped the excessive drinking (now maybe a glass of wine for dinner or two and completely stopped the beers) and went to bed earlier, got up earlier, made sure I was always on time for work and generally acted more responsibly then before. I hoped that she would notice but either she didn't or wasn't bothered.

 

About 17 days ago she said she was going to stay at her mother's place for a week or so to work on an illustration commission that she got because there was more light there. I said okay knowing that she had the work to do but did say why don't you come home in the evenings after it gets dark. She said 'oh you know I'll probably work through the nights because I need to get this done.' All seemed above board.

 

Over the next week she didn't respond to my texts or calls and I was a bit worried. Then ten days ago she comes home and gives it the 'We need to talk line'.

 

Basically she blurts out that she's 'so angry...so angry'. 'I don't know why I've wasted my time. All my friends have kids. (only two of her friends have kids) I should have had 3 by now!' (maybe you could have had if you helped me financially towards anything). Then she goes 'you don't want kids anyway and your not responsible enough and you drink too much and you'd be a terrible father anyway.' I told her, 'have you not noticed that I've stopped the mad drinking and sorted my act out like you asked me to ?' She just said that she didn't believe me and that everytime she talked about kids I made up excuses not to have them. (erm...no I didn't) She would let me prove that I did everything she asked me to do and basically ignored my protests.

 

Then she said that she felt stuck at square one in this place (my appartment) and that we'd never move out even if we had a kid. I told her that was crazy. First we get pregnant then we move out however financially insecure that might make us and then we raise the child somewhere different. (we could get help from the state and our families initially) She didn't believe that one either.

 

Her other point was that she felt neglected and unloved. I agreed that I had neglected her but that she was always loved and that I had sorted many things out in order for her to see how much better a person I was. Closer to the version of me she had said she had wanted. She didn't care and said

'I don't love you anymore' and walked out.

 

Over the past few days I've cried like a baby, felt the grip of stress and pain across my chest and heart, had very little appetite and had little sleep. I considered an end to it all but have ruled that darkness out.

 

I have sent the apologetic email (all I could contact her by) admitting my faults and stating my changes for the better. Asking why she couldn't come home and witness these differences for herself and letting me prove my changes which she asked for.

 

That fell on cold deaf ears.

“I have made up my mind, I think it's best for me to go my separate way...*

I have thought long and hard, *& this feels the right thing for me to do....

I hope one day in the future we will be able to be friends... “

 

I said “I just need to talk to you”......response today (all contact by email remember !)

“I thought about meeting up with you for a chat,* but I feel that it's probably best for you if we don't...

I have made up my mind about us, and this feels 100% right for me..

If you feel you want to talk to me, I am more then happy to meet, but I am certain that nothing is going to change how I feel now...

 

We have nothing to split. If you could place the car papers on my desk so that I can pick up, as my brother will be helping me move my things out....

Oh yes Car keys too.

Much appreciated.....

 

That sounds cold.

 

I really do love her and would welcome any comments, suggestions and advice from anyone on here. I'm heartbroken and just want to win her back. If she sees the changes I've made then surely she has to believe......

 

I'm willing to fight for my marriage tooth and nail. Why is she so willing to throw it all away.

[Tethys]

Don't know what to say because I've never had to go through something so painful, but my thoughts are with you. It sounds to me she's made up her mind, perhaps after having wanted to do this for a while but not saying anything (although that's just speculation on my part). This sounds really, really tough. You have my sincerest sympathy.

[tears_in_rain]

Thanks Tethys. This feels worse than when my father died. At least that was kind of expected. (died from very old age) Just a couple of weeks ago we went out for a friends birthday and we had a great time. Lots of laughing together etc. The next day was cool too. Just to note she was drunk as a skunk that night and I nominated myself as the sober driver that night to prove I didn't need drink to have a good time. She doesn't even drink often either.

[fucpcg]

You have a similar situation to me in some ways, regarding the split with my ex. She one day snapped on me for EVERYTHING I got wrong. There was no previous discussions of everything upsetting her, and once she walked out on me she refused to talk about it period. For good measure she threw in a few choice comments such as "I don't miss anything about our relationship", and "I hope that some day I can not hate you enough to be friends with you". She also made the comment to me that she had been nothing but nice to me, and I got everything wrong. That was not fair nor accurate. Yes she had been nothing but nice before our split, when I was struggling, however she had numerous issues that I dealt with, with her, at other times in our relationship. My behaviour was no worse than her's had been at times, yet her response to me was that she was nothing but nice to me, and I threw it all away. It wasn't fair, it wasn't honest, but she stuck with it, ran with it, and now a year later still sticks by it.

 

What can you do? Pretty much nothing to get her back, with the effort to get her back. Sounds like you have lots of issues to work on. When the ex left me it really pointed out to me many issues I had to work on. I wrote her a very detailed, very sincere apology for the things I got wrong. Didn't make a dent, but it was the right thing to do, and it was the right thing for me. Then I went on to work on my own issues. A year later, I've come a long way, I've learned much. I had a reverse issue with alcohol with my ex, she was heavy drinker when we met. I spent much time going to AlAnon meetings, and you should go to some yourself to see what the family of alcoholics, or alcohol abusers goes thru.

 

There is plenty you can do right now to make yourself a better person. Work on that.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I'm not one to kiss up and I will tell it like it is. so here it is. You are only married for a couple of years and you are drinking and neglecting your wife? Yes, you have a long history together, but it's not enough. Two years, you should be throwing down every day, having a wonderful time, being lovey dovey. Instead you are drinking and she feels there is no way out of that cramped apartment. I ask you...can you blame her???

 

Give her time and space===she may still come back to you being you have been together for so long. She is likely to reflect on what brought the two of you together in the first place; sweet memories can surface and she will want to rekindle....But, YOU have some reflecting to do, also. She had enough. I can't speak for all women, but women in general don't want the honeymoon and romance to end.

 

We love roses, to be taken out to dinner or the movies. We enjoy being romanced. She wanted children. At the age of 36, our file is now stamped "risk" if we want to have children at that age. She feels neglected and left out and unwanted. That would make any woman with half a brain dodge.

 

"Closer to the version of me that she wanted"...Really? This isn't a rehearsal. You should be you no matter what. What happened to the fellow she fell in love with? He is drinking and not being attentive. Shame on you. Your wife has my sympathies.

[tears_in_rain]

Funny how they conveniently forget the crap we had to put up with from their end. She likes to make out that she was blameless and is the only injured party and maybe she'll stick to that story too.

 

I laid all my faults on the line to her, fixed them and wanted the chance to prove myself to her. Does she want to know. Hell no ! It's too late apparently. I thought that the marriage vows meant something. In sickness and health and for better or worse. Oh well.

 

I've been doing all I can to improve myself regardless if she wants to know or notice. Keeping fit, taking pride in my appearance, meeting new friends, finding new hobbies & enjoying old ones etc.

 

I'll try to keep on keepin' on for my own sake no matter how dark or bleak they seem.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Funny how they conveniently forget the crap we had to put up with from their end. She likes to make out that she was blameless and is the only injured party and maybe she'll stick to that story too.

 

 

That statement alone would make any woman come running back with open arms.

[gotye]

That statement alone would make any woman come running back with open arms.

 

well, he is hurting, give him a break!

[BewitchedandBothered]

well, he is hurting, give him a break!

 

So is she, which is why she needed a break. Sorry, but I don't sugarcoat. If you guys were together over 15 years, give her some space. Every relationship has plateaus. It is likely she will want to rekindle, but understand why she walked. She doesn't want it to keep going as it's been. She wants opportunity, a life, kids and such. Her clock is ticking and she's feeling like where did all the time go? There must be something more.

[tears_in_rain]

I'm not one to kiss up and I will tell it like it is. so here it is. You are only married for a couple of years and you are drinking and neglecting your wife? Yes, you have a long history together, but it's not enough. Two years, you should be throwing down every day, having a wonderful time, being lovey dovey. Instead you are drinking and she feels there is no way out of that cramped apartment. I ask you...can you blame her???

 

Give her time and space===she may still come back to you being you have been together for so long. She is likely to reflect on what brought the two of you together in the first place; sweet memories can surface and she will want to rekindle....But, YOU have some reflecting to do, also. She had enough. I can't speak for all women, but women in general don't want the honeymoon and romance to end.

 

We love roses, to be taken out to dinner or the movies. We enjoy being romanced. She wanted children. At the age of 36, our file is now stamped "risk" if we want to have children at that age. She feels neglected and left out and unwanted. That would make any woman with half a brain dodge.

 

"Closer to the version of me that she wanted"...Really? This isn't a rehearsal. You should be you no matter what. What happened to the fellow she fell in love with? He is drinking and not being attentive. Shame on you. Your wife has my sympathies.

 

I'm grateful for your no nonsense response.

 

Believe me I have always romanced her and made her feel special. Walks in the park, impromptu flowers, romantic dinners, the movies, weekend trips away, non-stop foot-rubs etc. Most of the time we were lovey-dovey.

 

Her feeling about being stuck in the appartment is odd though. She had every opportunity work together as a couple to ensure we had resources enough to move out. In her mind it would happen out of thin air. Where we live both partners have to work to find even the smallest of bedsits in our area. Even if we moved out of the city to where we could afford something she would have felt isolated and separated from her friends, family, everything.

 

I completely understand the ticking clock and when the desire to have kids kicks in it is like a volcano erupting. However, she flipped between really not wanting kids to wanting them so many times until very recently. When I saw she was serious this time it was a wake up call and so I sorted myself out.

 

I have always been myself no matter what even when I drank to much. Kind, honest, genuine, funny, generous and caring. I was never boorish, obnoxious, loud, imposing or actually drunk. (big guy & alchohol doesn't really affect me)

Regardless it affected her and I understand that. So yes shame on me.

 

However the guy she fell in love with is here now with all the sh#t habits banished for good. Is it too late. Maybe

[Exit]

Everyone has faults in these situations. Of course she is going to ignore hers and focus on yours, and you are going to feel singled out.

 

On your end of the situation, I do think it's unfortunate that you conquered a smoking habit just to find yourself drinking every day. But when she actually cared enough to communicate that it bothered her, you tried to improve it.

 

On her end, I agree with your sentiments, here she is complaining about not having kids and the living situation, when she hasn't exactly contributed much financially or work wise.

 

If you're both in your 30s and have been together that long, and if the breakdown really happened pretty much like you described it, that's really immature, sounds more like what girls in their 20s do by letting the resentment build and build, hardly communicate any of it, and then by the time they tell you what's bothering them, they already feel their mind is made up and it's too late to work on it. Together 15 years and 2 years of marriage and she doesn't understand that communication is important and that people can only give you what you want if you ask for it instead of silently expecting perfection.

 

But, regardless of the length of the relationship or the specific circumstances, the answer to your question is the same as everyone else's, if you want this person back, you just have to live your life and show that you have a backbone. The begging and pleading, or even calmly reasoning, does not work. Women aren't looking for logic in these situations (no offense ladies), they are operating on emotion and it's not as simple as sending an email that says "hey, try looking at things from this perspective instead of leaving, and I will do X,Y,Z if it will make things better". She isn't going to be perceptive right now, if ever.

 

There is really no such thing as "getting" anyone back, it's a flawed logic that we all like to use. You shouldn't have to win someone over. All you can do is keep on truckin', be a man and live you life and let her figure out that she contributed to all of this going wrong by not talking about what was bothering her before it's too late. Hell, I've laid the guilt trip on girls before where I say "you didn't tell me any of this before it was too late, doesn't that seem wrong to you?", and these were in short term 12-24 month relationships. Here you've known each other for 15 years and it doesn't seem like she sat down with you and said "let me tell you these things BEFORE I feel like I have to leave you and never look back".

 

The harder you try the more you push them away, I wish this weren't true but it's been proven in my own experiences time and time again. Right now you just need to be gone from her life unless she is the one initiating the contact.

 

I am just starting to see the light and getting over the girl I thought I was going to marry and I was in a pretty dark place for a while, so I feel as though I'm speaking to you from beyond the light at the end of the tunnel, I've done the emailing and the reasoning and the pleading and now I'm at the point where I look back and know none of that worked. They come back if they want to, and they won't if they don't. You'd be better off praying or meditating your hopes at night than you are compiling any sort of email or communication that you are going to give to her. Just hope that something will change her mind but realize you in pursuit is not going to improve things. The most impressive thing you can do right now is prove that you are a man and you did your best and not go begging after her. Go ahead and hurt and cry but keep it to yourself or share with your close friends or family members, but don't show her weakness right now. You already shared one email with her where you expressed regret and admitting to doing things wrong and a desire to change, that is more than enough, don't fall into the trap of wanting to reword the same things and say it all again a few days later. Don't beg her to talk. If she wants to talk, she will.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through I can't imagine how bad it hurts, I have never had a relationship even last that long much less have one end after that much time. The best thing that you can do is show that you can be strong.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I'm grateful for your no nonsense response.

 

Believe me I have always romanced her and made her feel special. Walks in the park, impromptu flowers, romantic dinners, the movies, weekend trips away, non-stop foot-rubs etc. Most of the time we were lovey-dovey.

 

Her feeling about being stuck in the appartment is odd though. She had every opportunity work together as a couple to ensure we had resources enough to move out. In her mind it would happen out of thin air. Where we live both partners have to work to find even the smallest of bedsits in our area. Even if we moved out of the city to where we could afford something she would have felt isolated and separated from her friends, family, everything.

 

I completely understand the ticking clock and when the desire to have kids kicks in it is like a volcano erupting. However, she flipped between really not wanting kids to wanting them so many times until very recently. When I saw she was serious this time it was a wake up call and so I sorted myself out.

 

I have always been myself no matter what even when I drank to much. Kind, honest, genuine, funny, generous and caring. I was never boorish, obnoxious, loud, imposing or actually drunk. (big guy & alchohol doesn't really affect me)

Regardless it affected her and I understand that. So yes shame on me.

 

However the guy she fell in love with is here now with all the sh#t habits banished for good. Is it too late. Maybe

 

As long as she knows you will be there waiting for her when she comes out of this slump she is in. She sees how her friends are thriving and in her eyes she is feeling stagnant. Also, you will probably benefit from couples counseling if you can. I seriously doubt she will throw away all those years with you. You have that long history and I am positive she is thinking of when you first fell in love.

 

She probably thinks the grass is greener on the other side, but will have to realize that's not true. She's just upset right now and needs thinking time. I wonder how she would feel if you had flowers and a love note delivered to her out of the blue. Nothing sappy, just 'thinking of you', etc.

 

This relationship seems very salvageable. It's more than likely a spat and she will realize how much she misses you==even when you are fighting. You were always there for her after all those years--she knows that.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Everyone has faults in these situations. Of course she is going to ignore hers and focus on yours, and you are going to feel singled out.

 

On your end of the situation, I do think it's unfortunate that you conquered a smoking habit just to find yourself drinking every day. But when she actually cared enough to communicate that it bothered her, you tried to improve it.

 

On her end, I agree with your sentiments, here she is complaining about not having kids and the living situation, when she hasn't exactly contributed much financially or work wise.

 

If you're both in your 30s and have been together that long, and if the breakdown really happened pretty much like you described it, that's really immature, sounds more like what girls in their 20s do by letting the resentment build and build, hardly communicate any of it, and then by the time they tell you what's bothering them, they already feel their mind is made up and it's too late to work on it. Together 15 years and 2 years of marriage and she doesn't understand that communication is important and that people can only give you what you want if you ask for it instead of silently expecting perfection.

 

But, regardless of the length of the relationship or the specific circumstances, the answer to your question is the same as everyone else's, if you want this person back, you just have to live your life and show that you have a backbone. The begging and pleading, or even calmly reasoning, does not work. Women aren't looking for logic in these situations (no offense ladies), they are operating on emotion and it's not as simple as sending an email that says "hey, try looking at things from this perspective instead of leaving, and I will do X,Y,Z if it will make things better". She isn't going to be perceptive right now, if ever.

 

There is really no such thing as "getting" anyone back, it's a flawed logic that we all like to use. You shouldn't have to win someone over. All you can do is keep on truckin', be a man and live you life and let her figure out that she contributed to all of this going wrong by not talking about what was bothering her before it's too late. Hell, I've laid the guilt trip on girls before where I say "you didn't tell me any of this before it was too late, doesn't that seem wrong to you?", and these were in short term 12-24 month relationships. Here you've known each other for 15 years and it doesn't seem like she sat down with you and said "let me tell you these things BEFORE I feel like I have to leave you and never look back".

 

The harder you try the more you push them away, I wish this weren't true but it's been proven in my own experiences time and time again. Right now you just need to be gone from her life unless she is the one initiating the contact.

 

I am just starting to see the light and getting over the girl I thought I was going to marry and I was in a pretty dark place for a while, so I feel as though I'm speaking to you from beyond the light at the end of the tunnel, I've done the emailing and the reasoning and the pleading and now I'm at the point where I look back and know none of that worked. They come back if they want to, and they won't if they don't. You'd be better off praying or meditating your hopes at night than you are compiling any sort of email or communication that you are going to give to her. Just hope that something will change her mind but realize you in pursuit is not going to improve things. The most impressive thing you can do right now is prove that you are a man and you did your best and not go begging after her. Go ahead and hurt and cry but keep it to yourself or share with your close friends or family members, but don't show her weakness right now. You already shared one email with her where you expressed regret and admitting to doing things wrong and a desire to change, that is more than enough, don't fall into the trap of wanting to reword the same things and say it all again a few days later. Don't beg her to talk. If she wants to talk, she will.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through I can't imagine how bad it hurts, I have never had a relationship even last that long much less have one end after that much time. The best thing that you can do is show that you can be strong.

 

I have a vibe that the wife is going through a depression if she's not contributing to the funds. But there are men who truly don't mind their wives not working if that's their choice.

[darkmoon]

"I was never boorish, obnoxious, loud, imposing or actually drunk. (big guy & alchohol doesn't really affect me)"

 

please just go teetotal or only drink if she does, you are not in the driving seat here, your wife is - i wish u well but would not take up with a man who at home drinks each day, jus saying

 

i'm expecting contradictions, but then again, if she wants kid/s u spoil your image as a particularly good dad if you're the man-with-a-can

[gotye]

So is she, which is why she needed a break. Sorry, but I don't sugarcoat. If you guys were together over 15 years, give her some space. Every relationship has plateaus. It is likely she will want to rekindle, but understand why she walked. She doesn't want it to keep going as it's been. She wants opportunity, a life, kids and such. Her clock is ticking and she's feeling like where did all the time go? There must be something more.

 

no, definitely, just saying I understand why he kind of lashed out.

[tears_in_rain]

Thanks for your comments Exit & BewitchedandBothered.

 

All I can do is be strong for myself. Keep working on improving myself regardless if she notices or wants me back. If she doesn't I'm a better person anyway. If she does I'm an improved version of the good things she saw in me in the first place.

 

I've stated my desire to fight for our marriage already. I won't beg, plead or crawl for her approval. She has heard my statement of intent. I know she's angry and I know she's upset. I won't press as I know she has made a decision in anger and not with reasonable thought. I don't want to push her further away. It is her decision now.

 

There is no guarantee that if she hooks up with the next guy that it will be better or worse for her. It's all a risk. Marriage is a risk. But communication is the key to any relationship. I hope she communicates with me in some way.

I agree this is salvageable and again this might only be possible down the line but I need to talk to her for starters. Right now I'm not sure flowers would help. I have a feeling from her family that she is still in the angry phase.

 

I'm glad I can talk with people on here regardless of the responses. She has a network of friends around her. I have no one. My close friends are in different countries from me right now and I can't contact any of them. So thanks all. You're all I got right now. Bless you all.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Thanks for your comments Exit & BewitchedandBothered.

 

All I can do is be strong for myself. Keep working on improving myself regardless if she notices or wants me back. If she doesn't I'm a better person anyway. If she does I'm an improved version of the good things she saw in me in the first place.

 

I've stated my desire to fight for our marriage already. I won't beg, plead or crawl for her approval. She has heard my statement of intent. I know she's angry and I know she's upset. I won't press as I know she has made a decision in anger and not with reasonable thought. I don't want to push her further away. It is her decision now.

 

There is no guarantee that if she hooks up with the next guy that it will be better or worse for her. It's all a risk. Marriage is a risk. But communication is the key to any relationship. I hope she communicates with me in some way.

I agree this is salvageable and again this might only be possible down the line but I need to talk to her for starters. Right now I'm not sure flowers would help. I have a feeling from her family that she is still in the angry phase.

 

I'm glad I can talk with people on here regardless of the responses. She has a network of friends around her. I have no one. My close friends are in different countries from me right now and I can't contact any of them. So thanks all. You're all I got right now. Bless you all.

 

Wait it out a little bit and ask her out on a date. Then you can communicate because that's what was lacking here. Even if she met someone else--heaven forbid-she would run back to you because you are her life. Everything will remind her of you and memories you have shared. She WILL communicate with you; she just needs to chill a little bit. I am hoping she is not getting her family involved. this is between you and your wife. family will take sides and make you out to be an ogre. I hope that's not the case here.

 

The fact that you said you want to fight for her is awesome; make sure she knows this. She needs to feel loved and valued just as you do. Do things that make you feel good about yourself; get to the gym and do something for your health==the endorphins are magical. You can do this and it is good there are no kids involved. We are here for you. Sorry if I come off as brash; I have this habit of telling it like I see it, and sometimes I don't stop to consider I might be hurting someone's feelings, so for this I sincerely apologize.

[tears_in_rain]

Wait it out a little bit and ask her out on a date. Then you can communicate because that's what was lacking here. Even if she met someone else--heaven forbid-she would run back to you because you are her life. Everything will remind her of you and memories you have shared. She WILL communicate with you; she just needs to chill a little bit. I am hoping she is not getting her family involved. this is between you and your wife. family will take sides and make you out to be an ogre. I hope that's not the case here.

 

The fact that you said you want to fight for her is awesome; make sure she knows this. She needs to feel loved and valued just as you do. Do things that make you feel good about yourself; get to the gym and do something for your health==the endorphins are magical. You can do this and it is good there are no kids involved. We are here for you. Sorry if I come off as brash; I have this habit of telling it like I see it, and sometimes I don't stop to consider I might be hurting someone's feelings, so for this I sincerely apologize.

 

Please don't apologize. I need perspective not an answer i'm always happy with. So be honest and keep the sugar free coating away.

 

I have said to her that it's not between our friends or family. Just us. If we could talk face to face I would have a small chance of maybe something immediately positive. However, I'm prepared for the worst but hoping for the best. I will re-iterate my desire to fight for the marriage and that I'm always here to communicate with even though she says she won't change her mind.

[Exit]

Just keep in mind that you should be willing to fight for the marriage only in a cooperative manner, meaning with her by your side and working towards the same goal. Don't "fight" for it if she is not perceptive to doing so right this moment. Don't "fight" to win someone back. You've expressed that you care and that this is not what you want to happen, that's enough. Don't fight "with" her to try to change her mind. Your willingness to fight for the relationship will only come in handy if she comes around to saying she wants to work on it too, then you can be gung ho all you want and show her how much you want this. But trying to fight for it now will just push her away. The loss of the marriage is not something that one person should be fighting for while the other person has their back turned.

 

I'm not at all saying that you should appear totally okay and indifferent, that may confuse her as well. But just don't get into a mindset of "convincing" her of anything. You can tell her that you are open to discussing things if and when she is ready, and leave it at that. Trying to change someone's mind when they have chosen to leave a relationship can come across as insulting, as if they don't have a mind of their own or that whatever they think about the relationship must be wrong or silly. That's not the message you want to convey by trying to reason with her or telling her she has it all wrong.

 

At this point, it it were me, I would not go any further than to say you are open to talking about things if and when that sounds like a good idea to her. I wouldn't go into details about when or where or try to get her to agree to anything specific. I would leave it open-ended and let that be the last they hear from me for a while.

 

Look into "Rubber band" theory if you'd like. It describes the tension that is felt when one person leaves a relationship and wanders off. Imagine a rubber band that wraps around both of you. The farther she goes away, the more tension she will feel, the more she will miss things. If you follow after her in the same direction, the rubber band will get more slack, and she will want to go even further in the other direction. The trick is not to get her back by pursuing, but to let the tension of being apart eventually pull her back on its own. It might sound silly, but whatever works to convince people that pursuit is not always the answer. She knows you want this, all it took was one email, she already knows how you feel, so I'm not in total agreement with Bewitched that you need to send flowers with a note or suggest going on a date. You are free to choose which advice sounds right for you. I don't think you're in any danger of appearing like you don't care about this or that she doesn't know where you stand, she knows you want to be together already. Don't remind her every day.

Edited March 30, 2012 by Exit

[tears_in_rain]

Just keep in mind that you should be willing to fight for the marriage only in a cooperative manner, meaning with her by your side and working towards the same goal. Don't "fight" for it if she is not perceptive to doing so right this moment. Don't "fight" to win someone back. You've expressed that you care and that this is not what you want to happen, that's enough. Don't fight "with" her to try to change her mind. Your willingness to fight for the relationship will only come in handy if she comes around to saying she wants to work on it too, then you can be gung ho all you want and show her how much you want this. But trying to fight for it now will just push her away. The loss of the marriage is not something that one person should be fighting for while the other person has their back turned.

 

I'm not at all saying that you should appear totally okay and indifferent, that may confuse her as well. But just don't get into a mindset of "convincing" her of anything. You can tell her that you are open to discussing things if and when she is ready, and leave it at that. Trying to change someone's mind when they have chosen to leave a relationship can come across as insulting, as if they don't have a mind of their own or that whatever they think about the relationship must be wrong or silly. That's not the message you want to convey by trying to reason with her or telling her she has it all wrong.

 

At this point, it it were me, I would not go any further than to say you are open to talking about things if and when that sounds like a good idea to her. I wouldn't go into details about when or where or try to get her to agree to anything specific. I would leave it open-ended and let that be the last they hear from me for a while.

 

Look into "Rubber band" theory if you'd like. It describes the tension that is felt when one person leaves a relationship and wanders off. Imagine a rubber band that wraps around both of you. The farther she goes away, the more tension she will feel, the more she will miss things. If you follow after her in the same direction, the rubber band will get more slack, and she will want to go even further in the other direction. The trick is not to get her back by pursuing, but to let the tension of being apart eventually pull her back on its own. It might sound silly, but whatever works to convince people that pursuit is not always the answer. She knows you want this, all it took was one email, so I'm not in total agreement with Bewitched that you need to send flowers with a note or suggest going on a date. You are free to choose which advice sounds right for you.

 

I'm grateful for all the advice here. I don't think flowers and notes would be suitable now. There is still too much anger in her decision and thinking. Although I would love to entertain the thought that she might feel differently after some time apart.

 

I kind of agree that I can't convince her of anything at this stage apart from the fact that I am will to fight if she is. Right now I think any chasing would push her further away.

 

However as she states :

 

"I thought about meeting up with you for a chat, but I feel that it's probably best for you if we don't...

I have made up my mind about us, and this feels 100% right for me..

If you feel you want to talk to me, I am more then happy to meet, but I am certain that nothing is going to change how I feel now...

 

We have nothing to split. If you could place the car papers on my desk so that I can pick up, as my brother will be helping me move my things out....

Oh yes Car keys too.

Much appreciated....."

 

Even if anything I say won't make a difference right now I still need to talk to her. Within the next couple of days.

 

I need to ask her what she intends to do.

(ie: divorce etc)

(when she wants to move her stuff out - I don't want to be here if she does that.)

and other practicalities.

 

Arrrghh....what should I say. I've got so much to say but not sure what tone would be suitable and how far can I go without making things worse or sounding desperate, angry etc.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I'm grateful for all the advice here. I don't think flowers and notes would be suitable now. There is still too much anger in her decision and thinking. Although I would love to entertain the thought that she might feel differently after some time apart.

 

I kind of agree that I can't convince her of anything at this stage apart from the fact that I am will to fight if she is. Right now I think any chasing would push her further away.

 

However as she states :

 

"I thought about meeting up with you for a chat, but I feel that it's probably best for you if we don't...

I have made up my mind about us, and this feels 100% right for me..

If you feel you want to talk to me, I am more then happy to meet, but I am certain that nothing is going to change how I feel now...

 

We have nothing to split. If you could place the car papers on my desk so that I can pick up, as my brother will be helping me move my things out....

Oh yes Car keys too.

Much appreciated....."

 

Even if anything I say won't make a difference right now I still need to talk to her. Within the next couple of days.

 

I need to ask her what she intends to do.

(ie: divorce etc)

(when she wants to move her stuff out - I don't want to be here if she does that.)

and other practicalities.

 

Arrrghh....what should I say. I've got so much to say but not sure what tone would be suitable and how far can I go without making things worse or sounding desperate, angry etc.

 

Be gentle and kind and follow your heart.

[tears_in_rain]

I'm seeing my wife tomorrow afternoon after she sent me a text message asking if we could meet.

 

I'm 99% sure she wants to talk about moving her stuff out and probably going to ask for a divorce.

 

I have 1% hope left of convincing her I've changed for the better and that we should work together to make the marriage work.

 

Now how I can do this is freaking me out ! She will basically be a stone wall to my suggestions, arguments and promises. I can't beg, plead or really even convince her of anything because that will just push her away.

 

Do I say, "why are you willing to throw away 15 years of love and truly special friendship so easily without trying to fix things?"

 

Is that a no-no ? I feel it needs to be said but am not sure it will really help.

 

I just need her to know that I want to work / fight with her to make things work. Of the 4 problems that really seem to occupy her mind, two were easily fixable. (feeling neglected and drinking problem) If she spent time with me instead of being at her mother's place she would see the dramatic change. Should I suggest that she spends a week back at home to see this. (don't think she'll agree)

 

Of the remaining problems, (feeling stuck in a rut in the same place and not having kids yet) well they're kind of the same problem. Without her help we cannot do either of these things. We can have a kid (unless she still doesn't believe I want them) and stuggle to raise it financially and stuck in the same place or by moving in with her mother. Alternatively if she lets me explain that if she wants to have kids and move out somewhere that she will need to get a job and work for a year earning 'x' so that we can get a mortgage together and then she can get pregnant and I'll have to work very hard to pay of the mortgage on my own for the first five years of the child's life. (I know she won't like that idea)

 

Trying to get her to get a job and work together to get out of our place and provide for a child has

always been seen as an excuse to her for not wanting kids even though that's exactly what we and a normal couple have to do.

 

Not sure how to approach tomorrow. So many options which will have negative outcomes.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I'm seeing my wife tomorrow afternoon after she sent me a text message asking if we could meet.

 

I'm 99% sure she wants to talk about moving her stuff out and probably going to ask for a divorce.

 

I have 1% hope left of convincing her I've changed for the better and that we should work together to make the marriage work.

 

Now how I can do this is freaking me out ! She will basically be a stone wall to my suggestions, arguments and promises. I can't beg, plead or really even convince her of anything because that will just push her away.

 

Do I say, "why are you willing to throw away 15 years of love and truly special friendship so easily without trying to fix things?"

 

Is that a no-no ? I feel it needs to be said but am not sure it will really help.

 

I just need her to know that I want to work / fight with her to make things work. Of the 4 problems that really seem to occupy her mind, two were easily fixable. (feeling neglected and drinking problem) If she spent time with me instead of being at her mother's place she would see the dramatic change. Should I suggest that she spends a week back at home to see this. (don't think she'll agree)

 

Of the remaining problems, (feeling stuck in a rut in the same place and not having kids yet) well they're kind of the same problem. Without her help we cannot do either of these things. We can have a kid (unless she still doesn't believe I want them) and stuggle to raise it financially and stuck in the same place or by moving in with her mother. Alternatively if she lets me explain that if she wants to have kids and move out somewhere that she will need to get a job and work for a year earning 'x' so that we can get a mortgage together and then she can get pregnant and I'll have to work very hard to pay of the mortgage on my own for the first five years of the child's life. (I know she won't like that idea)

 

Trying to get her to get a job and work together to get out of our place and provide for a child has

always been seen as an excuse to her for not wanting kids even though that's exactly what we and a normal couple have to do.

 

Not sure how to approach tomorrow. So many options which will have negative outcomes.

 

I wouldn't ask her why she's willing to throw away those years. But...Maybe you can take her hand and tell you still love her and always will. My heart goes out to you. There I am all upset over some creep that took 2 years from my life, and me wasting 18 extra months to heal from that cad, while you have a long history with your wife and hurting.

 

She needs her space, but fight for her. There has to be something left on her part. Just don't be rage her with questions or she won't want to talk at all/feel pushed away. But seeing if you can take her hand is very telling.

[tears_in_rain]

I wouldn't ask her why she's willing to throw away those years. But...Maybe you can take her hand and tell you still love her and always will. My heart goes out to you. There I am all upset over some creep that took 2 years from my life, and me wasting 18 extra months to heal from that cad, while you have a long history with your wife and hurting.

 

She needs her space, but fight for her. There has to be something left on her part. Just don't be rage her with questions or she won't want to talk at all/feel pushed away. But seeing if you can take her hand is very telling.

 

I will try and hold her hand and tell her that I have always and will always love her. I will remain calm at all times and not bombard her will questions. I shall try a few probing ones. Ones that hopefully won't push but instead reveal how her mind is processing things right now.

 

I probably won't mention the 'divorce' word unless she does. Maybe it will give her more time to think about things that she likes about me and us together.

[KathyM]

I think she realizes that what she wants out of life is not something you are providing. She wants a responsible husband who would make a good father for her children. You have shown thusfar that you are not that person. I'm sorry, but you are living in a dark basement, unable to provide enough to get a decent place to raise a child, you've been a drunk for most of your relationship, and are still drinking a couple of glasses of wine at night, and have been irresponsible with your job. She is more or less in panic mode now because her biological clock is ticking and she realizes there's a very real possibility that she will miss out on having children if she continues with the relationship as it is. She's not interested in raising children in a dark basement apartment with no money. Children are expensive to have and to raise. They require very responsible parents who are willing to put the child's needs ahead of their own needs. I'm sorry, but you have shown that you are not the guy to provide the kind of life that she wants, with home and family. She's given you 15 years of her life to make the needed changes, and you have made minimal changes, i.e., stopped the more heavier drinking, but it's not enough. She feels like she is improving her life by getting a commissioned job in the field she wants, but you are stuck in limbo and nothing is really going to change with you. She feels like she has run out of time in waiting for you to be the responsible husband and father that she needs you to be.

 

I'm a very pro marriage person and believe in sticking it out no matter what circumstances may come, apart from infidelity, in which case, all bets are off. I'm just saying that I can see where she's coming from and why she has gone into panic mode and made this drastic decision. I would suggest that you arrange to have a heart to heart talk with her and pour your heart out that she is the only woman you have ever loved and you don't want to lose her. Admit that you haven't been the kind of person that you should have been, but you are working on that and you want to be everything she needs you to be. Tell her you want to work out whatever issues are worrying her, and you believe you can work those out. Tell her she means too much to you for you to let her go, and you are going to fight for your marriage and you want her to do the same. Tell her you'll do whatever it takes to keep your marriage together. Suggest marriage counseling, and see if she'll consider that. I know money is tight, but there are places that charge very little and have a sliding fee scale, depending on income. You have to demonstrate to her that you are willing and able to be the man that she needs you to be. So far, you've been an irresponsible child. You have to demonstrate to her that you want to do whatever it takes to be the man she needs you to be. I hope it works out for you.