Wife walked out on me. I want her back !

[tears_in_rain]

I think she realizes that what she wants out of life is not something you are providing. She wants a responsible husband who would make a good father for her children. You have shown thusfar that you are not that person. I'm sorry, but you are living in a dark basement, unable to provide enough to get a decent place to raise a child, you've been a drunk for most of your relationship, and are still drinking a couple of glasses of wine at night, and have been irresponsible with your job. She is more or less in panic mode now because her biological clock is ticking and she realizes there's a very real possibility that she will miss out on having children if she continues with the relationship as it is. She's not interested in raising children in a dark basement apartment with no money. Children are expensive to have and to raise. They require very responsible parents who are willing to put the child's needs ahead of their own needs. I'm sorry, but you have shown that you are not the guy to provide the kind of life that she wants, with home and family. She's given you 15 years of her life to make the needed changes, and you have made minimal changes, i.e., stopped the more heavier drinking, but it's not enough. She feels like she is improving her life by getting a commissioned job in the field she wants, but you are stuck in limbo and nothing is really going to change with you. She feels like she has run out of time in waiting for you to be the responsible husband and father that she needs you to be.

 

I'm a very pro marriage person and believe in sticking it out no matter what circumstances may come, apart from infidelity, in which case, all bets are off. I'm just saying that I can see where she's coming from and why she has gone into panic mode and made this drastic decision. I would suggest that you arrange to have a heart to heart talk with her and pour your heart out that she is the only woman you have ever loved and you don't want to lose her. Admit that you haven't been the kind of person that you should have been, but you are working on that and you want to be everything she needs you to be. Tell her you want to work out whatever issues are worrying her, and you believe you can work those out. Tell her she means too much to you for you to let her go, and you are going to fight for your marriage and you want her to do the same. Tell her you'll do whatever it takes to keep your marriage together. Suggest marriage counseling, and see if she'll consider that. I know money is tight, but there are places that charge very little and have a sliding fee scale, depending on income. You have to demonstrate to her that you are willing and able to be the man that she needs you to be. So far, you've been an irresponsible child. You have to demonstrate to her that you want to do whatever it takes to be the man she needs you to be. I hope it works out for you.

 

I know that she is in panic mode right now and that her biological clock is now erupting like a volcano. Indeed children are expensive to have and raise and require responsible parents and parenting. However, my wife has never accepted the reality that we would both have to work to bring in enough money to move somewhere where we could raise a child. She has never earned or contributed towards a deposit for somewhere or planned to help with a mortgage even when presented with a detailed plan of how we could achieve it. Unfortunately she's a bit 'with the fairies' when it comes to some aspects of real life. Her art has never made a penny regardless of how talented she is. Her recent commission turned out to be an excuse for some old scumbag to try and grope her, leaving that job dead in the water. All my efforts to explain in detail the costs involved in getting a place and raising a child have always been met with the reply, 'oh you're just making another excuse to not have a kid.'

 

Even if I was irresponsible in certain aspects I have always supported her. Always gone out to work to bring home the bacon. I only wish she could have brought some home too. Then there would be more to put to good use. I'm a musician and writer at heart but have put those dreams to the periphery and done a normal job for years. Artist always have the yearning to pursue their dreams but sometimes they need to do that on the side and do maybe more mundane jobs then they would like. I wish my wife had seen that.

 

I know she feels like she has run out of time waiting for things to happen but sometimes you have to make it happen. As a couple it takes two of you to do that. She doesn't have to miss out on having children or raising them in a suitable place. She just needs to help me to do it.

 

I agree with much that you have written here and know that you can see thing from her perspective. You insights are mostly correct. I will certainly suggest Marriage Counselling and more if it can help.

[KathyM]

I know that she is in panic mode right now and that her biological clock is now erupting like a volcano. Indeed children are expensive to have and raise and require responsible parents and parenting. However, my wife has never accepted the reality that we would both have to work to bring in enough money to move somewhere where we could raise a child. She has never earned or contributed towards a deposit for somewhere or planned to help with a mortgage even when presented with a detailed plan of how we could achieve it. Unfortunately she's a bit 'with the fairies' when it comes to some aspects of real life. Her art has never made a penny regardless of how talented she is. Her recent commission turned out to be an excuse for some old scumbag to try and grope her, leaving that job dead in the water. All my efforts to explain in detail the costs involved in getting a place and raising a child have always been met with the reply, 'oh you're just making another excuse to not have a kid.'

 

Even if I was irresponsible in certain aspects I have always supported her. Always gone out to work to bring home the bacon. I only wish she could have brought some home too. Then there would be more to put to good use. I'm a musician and writer at heart but have put those dreams to the periphery and done a normal job for years. Artist always have the yearning to pursue their dreams but sometimes they need to do that on the side and do maybe more mundane jobs then they would like. I wish my wife had seen that.

 

I know she feels like she has run out of time waiting for things to happen but sometimes you have to make it happen. As a couple it takes two of you to do that. She doesn't have to miss out on having children or raising them in a suitable place. She just needs to help me to do it.

 

I agree with much that you have written here and know that you can see thing from her perspective. You insights are mostly correct. I will certainly suggest Marriage Counselling and more if it can help.

I understand that she should have done more to help with the family finances. She was following her dreams of being an artist and hoping that would become a viable income. When one spouse is pursuing a line of work that is difficult to convert to an income or is in training mode, they need the other spouse to step up and pick up the slack in the family finances. I actually know of a married couple where the husband is the breadwinner and the wife is an artist that is trying to get her artwork to be marketable, but she is relying on him to carry them through until she is able to. But she does have a part-time job to help out. The problem with your situation is also that if she has children now, she is going to have to stay home and take care of them when they are babies, and so your situation is not going to improve through her getting a job at this point. Her biological clock is running out. The time to do all this planning and preparing for a family was years ago. Now she feels like she is in this hopeless position where she will never be able to have a family with the way things are now. You're going to have to sit down with her and have a talk with how you see yourself being able to improve the situation and give her the family that she wants. Come up with a plan, and present it to her. Maybe consider taking on a second job. I know that doesn't seem fair, but if she is going to be having children, she's not going to be in a position to be taking on a new job right now. Come up with a plan, possibly suggesting you get two jobs while the kids would be babies, present it to her, give her the plea that I described earlier, and suggest marriage counseling. That would be my suggestion.

[tears_in_rain]

I understand that she should have done more to help with the family finances. She was following her dreams of being an artist and hoping that would become a viable income. When one spouse is pursuing a line of work that is difficult to convert to an income or is in training mode, they need the other spouse to step up and pick up the slack in the family finances. I actually know of a married couple where the husband is the breadwinner and the wife is an artist that is trying to get her artwork to be marketable, but she is relying on him to carry them through until she is able to. But she does have a part-time job to help out. The problem with your situation is also that if she has children now, she is going to have to stay home and take care of them when they are babies, and so your situation is not going to improve through her getting a job at this point. Her biological clock is running out. The time to do all this planning and preparing for a family was years ago. Now she feels like she is in this hopeless position where she will never be able to have a family with the way things are now. You're going to have to sit down with her and have a talk with how you see yourself being able to improve the situation and give her the family that she wants. Come up with a plan, and present it to her. Maybe consider taking on a second job. I know that doesn't seem fair, but if she is going to be having children, she's not going to be in a position to be taking on a new job right now. Come up with a plan, possibly suggesting you get two jobs while the kids would be babies, present it to her, give her the plea that I described earlier, and suggest marriage counseling. That would be my suggestion.

 

It is a shame that she flip flopped over wanting kids at all during the last 4-5 years as we could have put a plan in motion much earlier rather than this eleventh hour cliff hanger. She enjoyed her life as an artist and independent free spirit but now the clock ticks away and she realises that the time has come and that what she sees is not what she thought she'd see.

I am willing to do as much work as humanly possible to support my family. I would definitely do a second job to take up the slack and I wouldn't find it unfair especially as she would have the harder job of caring for a baby.

I will suggest the plea and marriage counselling as you mentioned and will ensure that she knows I'm sincere about all this. I only hope that she believes me.

[tears_in_rain]

Well I met with my wife today in a coffee shop for a chat. Like I thought she wanted to tell me that she was going to move all her things out of the apartment.

 

I took her hands in mine (she didn't pull away) and apologised for making her feel angry, hurt & neglected. I said that I see from her perspective why she feels trapped and doesn't think we can move forward. Told her that I have always loved her and always will. I said that I have made positive changes like she wanted and that I was willing to work together to fix our marriage if she was willing. I told her of my plan to enable us to move out and find a better place.

 

Her reply was that in her heart it's too late and that I've pushed her too far away. That for a while she's believed that this is the best for her and best for me (wtf !) it's what she wants and that she wants to move on.

 

She thinks that it's best for her to be 'selfish' and think about herself and have a new start. She said that she's sorry how hard this will be for me now but thinks that in time I'll understand that it's for the best.

 

I asked her if the years of love and friendship still meant anything to her and she said that it did and that she'd cherish the memories. I asked her if she still loved me and she said she did but had fallen out of love with me. Then she said maybe in ten years I'll regret walking out on you but at the moment it was the right thing for her. Said I pushed her away like her Dad did. Couldn't bond with him after a while and that I was the same. (Her Dad always loved her and didn't push her away ! - weird excuse)

 

She thinks that as hard as it'll be now hopefully it will make sense to me. I said it will never make sense that you never gave me a chance to prove that I have changed and that I am still changing for the better and that it is painful to me that your not prepared to work with me to save the marriage.

People have gotten through much worse.

 

More of ….my heart tells me this is right blah blah blah.

 

I remained calm throughout, told her I understand that these are her feelings and that I know I can't convince her to change them.

 

When nothing was left to say I told her that I she could have her space and that she should think for a while if this is what she really wants. (Didn't mention Divorce or anything)

I said that I'm here for her if she needs anything and got up to leave. Kissed both her cheeks and then said 'I want to fight for this' softly in her ear then a 'I love you' as I kissed her forhead and then I left.

 

Tonight has been very messy for my head and I'm probably due to blub at any given moment.

Is this really it ?

[CaliBabe]

We'll never know if this is really it. But I think it's best if you treat it like this is it. Really try to heal and move on. You don't want to be the one stuck holding onto the relationship if she has already checked out. It takes two for it to work. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, it must be devestating.

 

You really need time to yourself, to get yourself back.

[tears_in_rain]

@CaliBabe

 

I won't give up hope until it really is it but your right, I'm prepared for the worst but hoping for the best and pretty much treating it as over in one part of my mind. It can only work if we're both willing to fight for it and right now I'm the only one at the plate.

 

I doing what many on LS suggest and working on myself for myself. I'm cycling at least every other day in the park, joined an Ultimate Frisbee group to have fun and meet new people. Updating my CV to apply for a new job (not sure in which field at the moment - tricky and most important part of helping myself have a better life)

 

This is just so hard and I feel like seven shades of ***** right now. I know people say it gets easier but this stage of things is hell.

[tears_in_rain]

What does anyone think of this idea :

 

What if I asked my wife to come home for a couple of weeks and see for herself that I've changed. So that she would believe what I said was true and not just saying it to try and beg her to come back. Surely if she sees with her own eyes that her supposedly always drunk husband isn't drinking, is going to bed when she does, is getting up early to go to work on time, exercising every other day and paying her more attention then some little light may spark in her mind or heart.

 

If she's so sure in her head right now that walking away from 15 years together to start again on her own is a good idea then it can't hurt to suggest this to her. If she doesn't see anything good after two weeks she can turn around and say 'I told you so'. Fine

[budley12]

What does anyone think of this idea :

 

What if I asked my wife to come home for a couple of weeks and see for herself that I've changed. So that she would believe what I said was true and not just saying it to try and beg her to come back. Surely if she sees with her own eyes that her supposedly always drunk husband isn't drinking, is going to bed when she does, is getting up early to go to work on time, exercising every other day and paying her more attention then some little light may spark in her mind or heart.

 

If she's so sure in her head right now that walking away from 15 years together to start again on her own is a good idea then it can't hurt to suggest this to her. If she doesn't see anything good after two weeks she can turn around and say 'I told you so'. Fine

 

You have quite a few years on my relationship, 5x more to be exact (plus marriage), however when I tried the whole "I have changed" card after 2 months of NC after the breakup it just made things worse. At first he wanted to get back and was excited to start fresh. He had me thinking we would get back, saying things like "not over you", "we were meant to be", blah blah blah... As soon as he tried to see the change in me, he said "it wasnt what I was expecting". Sure I changed, I came out to my family and friends and was comfortable with my sexuality. But it still wasn't good enough. He wanted the spark which he first had for me, he missed the chase, but this time it wasn't there. =(

 

On the flip side, I hope that in my case that after a longer period of NC and if my ex's relationship doesnt work out, I hope to give it another "come see the change in me" approach. If you truly love someone I feel that you will never truly get over them. If you lost them already, but try to get them back how much more can you lose? If you don't try, you may always ask "what if I had tried one last time". The only advice I want to add to this however is not to get your hopes up. Even if she admits she sees the change in you, do not believe anything until it's official. I got my hopes up and was dumped again, but the second time hurt even worse. Hope it all works out for you!

[tears_in_rain]

You have quite a few years on my relationship, 5x more to be exact (plus marriage), however when I tried the whole "I have changed" card after 2 months of NC after the breakup it just made things worse. At first he wanted to get back and was excited to start fresh. He had me thinking we would get back, saying things like "not over you", "we were meant to be", blah blah blah... As soon as he tried to see the change in me, he said "it wasnt what I was expecting". Sure I changed, I came out to my family and friends and was comfortable with my sexuality. But it still wasn't good enough. He wanted the spark which he first had for me, he missed the chase, but this time it wasn't there. =(

 

On the flip side, I hope that in my case that after a longer period of NC and if my ex's relationship doesnt work out, I hope to give it another "come see the change in me" approach. If you truly love someone I feel that you will never truly get over them. If you lost them already, but try to get them back how much more can you lose? If you don't try, you may always ask "what if I had tried one last time". The only advice I want to add to this however is not to get your hopes up. Even if she admits she sees the change in you, do not believe anything until it's official. I got my hopes up and was dumped again, but the second time hurt even worse. Hope it all works out for you!

 

Yes, I don't want to push her away and make things worse but as you say, If I don't try what if ? What have I got to lose if I think I might have lost her already.

 

Sorry to hear you got dumped twice. That sucks. If the second one was worse that might finish someone like me off.

 

It's good that you came out though and are comfortable in your own sexuality. Got to be a silver lining to take the sting out of being dumped twice.

[ItsJustTheWayItIs]

Tears....I just left my husband 6 weeks ago and the situation seems a little similar in some ways....

 

I'm not saying your an alcoholic...I don't know you, but my soom to be ex is and he had the habit of always minimizing the negative effect his drinking had on our relationship. He is so selfish that he always blamed me for anything/everything that happened in our marriage, or if he did take the blame for something there was always an excuse as to why he did it.

 

My point is (if you are an alcoholic) you won't even realize or care that you are neglectful, selfish, hateful at times or whatever the case may be because people that are drinking don't realize the tone....the words.....or the exact way they say things. I have never met a more selfish person as an alcoholic..they only care about what they want and need. Hell with everyone else.

 

Like I said....you may not be an alcoholic, but I know enough to know that your alcohol has affected your marriage in a negative way as evidenced by your wife leaving you like I left my husband. I miss him every day, but it is so not worth it. I want to live my life....not the life he decides day to day to let me live.

 

Look at yourself and face the truth if this in anyway describes you and if it does get help, if not then I'm sorry for your loss.

[tears_in_rain]

Tears....I just left my husband 6 weeks ago and the situation seems a little similar in some ways....

 

I'm not saying your an alcoholic...I don't know you, but my soom to be ex is and he had the habit of always minimizing the negative effect his drinking had on our relationship. He is so selfish that he always blamed me for anything/everything that happened in our marriage, or if he did take the blame for something there was always an excuse as to why he did it.

 

My point is (if you are an alcoholic) you won't even realize or care that you are neglectful, selfish, hateful at times or whatever the case may be because people that are drinking don't realize the tone....the words.....or the exact way they say things. I have never met a more selfish person as an alcoholic..they only care about what they want and need. Hell with everyone else.

 

Like I said....you may not be an alcoholic, but I know enough to know that your alcohol has affected your marriage in a negative way as evidenced by your wife leaving you like I left my husband. I miss him every day, but it is so not worth it. I want to live my life....not the life he decides day to day to let me live.

 

Look at yourself and face the truth if this in anyway describes you and if it does get help, if not then I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Hi ItsJustTheWayItIs

 

Sorry to hear that you have left your husband. I hope that, if you want to, you can resolve your problems.

 

Others or yourself may disagree but I would say I was not an alcoholic, merely someone who had a problem with alcohol. I never needed it, often went without it and frequently limited its use even in social occasions when others would revel in it. I have perhaps highlighted or amped up the issue due to how my wife viewed the issue. I have never used it as an excuse for anything.

 

Regardless of the scale of this my wife was affected by it and it made me neglectful of her. I can see that and did see that which is why I addressed the issue. I have never blamed anything on her with or without drink except for not working with me to help our financial situation like almost every other normal couple in our situation. I think it was such an issue to her because her father drank and anyone who touch a drink must be like her father. (Her father was a lovely man who provided for his family and her always- not sure why she is so hung up with her father. He loved her greatly)

 

I have never spoken to her disrespectfully, with malice or anger. She has always lived her life the way she wanted and with my support.

 

For weeks before she left she was happy and acted normally. I actively went about resolving all the issues she had with our relationship as she had asked and tried to make it obvious that change was in effect. She chose not to notice. Why ask me to change and not want to see the effects / results ?

Even through this dark time for me without her I have not felt the need to drown my sorrows or look for answers at the bottom of a bottle. I have had perhaps in total had 1 or 2 glasses of wine in 6 weeks during various lunchtimes with friends. I have not spent the lonely evenings wallowing in self pity with my claws wrapped around a bottle. When I told her the changes would be made I meant it. She didn't want to believe me for whatever reason and is unwilling to witness the changes for herself. Not sure how to prove anything to her if actions are supposed to speak louder than words.

 

I can understand how devastating it must when you say "I have never met a more selfish person as an alcoholic..they only care about what they want and need. Hell with everyone else." I can honestly say that I was never selfish like this. I have know some people who were like you described and were absolute *f-ups*. I have always put her thoughts and concerns at the foremost of our lives. When we communicated we resolved things. However, she stopped communicating and let me try and read her mind. Some things I could detect or guess at but other things maybe needed to be told to me face to face.

[tears_in_rain]

Feel like storming over to where she is tomorrow and screaming "This is f-ing ridiculous. This is solvable. We just need to talk. Neither of us needs to suffer. We could be moving forward together rather than dismantling our lives, moving backwards in order to rebuild our lives from scratch" Except anything i say is meet with a brick wall.

[tears_in_rain]

I am now 99% sure my wife is cheating on me.

 

She was supposed to out for the weekend with her best friend but I know that the best friend is not with her.

 

My wife has been taken away for the weekend by a mutual friend who I get the impression and gut feeling is the person she is cheating on me with. Right at this very minute.

 

This mutual friend has not spoken to me since my wife walked out on me. Not offered me any condolences that my wife has walked away from the marriage. Silence. What's worse is that he lives a few doors down from me in a basement with his family.

[KathyM]

Sounds like she's moving on with her life. Whether that other guy is what caused her to leave your marriage, or whether he approached her after she left, is kind of a moot point right now. It sounds like she made up her mind and is moving on. Now is the time for you to work on getting your life together and improving your circumstances and working on yourself. If your wife sees that you are moving forward in life and improving yourself, she may eventually come to realize she still loves you and wants you back, but I suggest you move on with getting your life together in the meantime. Whether she eventually comes back or not, you will be in a better place if you work on yourself and whatever issues caused the breakdown in the relationship.

[tears_in_rain]

Sounds like she's moving on with her life. Whether that other guy is what caused her to leave your marriage, or whether he approached her after she left, is kind of a moot point right now. It sounds like she made up her mind and is moving on. Now is the time for you to work on getting your life together and improving your circumstances and working on yourself. If your wife sees that you are moving forward in life and improving yourself, she may eventually come to realize she still loves you and wants you back, but I suggest you move on with getting your life together in the meantime. Whether she eventually comes back or not, you will be in a better place if you work on yourself and whatever issues caused the breakdown in the relationship.

 

Hi KathyM

 

It does appear that way doesn't it. I can only move on now for myself and by myself. All hope of her coming back is lost. As she is now cheating I don't think I want her back. She asked me to change things for her and I did. If she had communicated with me rather than running off she would have seen the difference, seen that we had a plan, an option to move to somewhere better and felt the love and affection I would have shown her. Lifelong desires would have been shared.

[lizardking8610]

Tears in Rain,

 

I feel for you man! Hey none of us are perfect beings, if we were than boards like this wouldn't have a place in the world.

 

Keep this in mind, She isn't perfect either, it takes two to make or break a relationship. Granted for a time maybe you were or weren't pulling your weight in the "needs" departments, at least in her mind.

 

Sounds to me like you're a good guy, and your story is somewhat similar to mine. The thing that I notice most about your post is that whenever there was a problem in the relationship it was with YOU.

 

More precisely it was about how she views you! How often did you have issues with her not having a job, having to be the sole breadwinner, etc.? More importantly how often did you bring them up to her? Probably not often, more than likely you were scrambling to change all your habits to suite HER needs.

 

Seems to me like you were putting ALL of her needs before your own. Drinking every night like that isn't healthy, you're right there, I have been in the same predicament. The question you have to ask yourself is this; Why was I drinking so much?

 

When I asked myself this I realized that a large part of why I was drinking so much is that my partner had the unique ability to make me feel "less than" as in Less Than Ideal for her.

 

Now this wasn't the only reason I drank but it sure did add some fuel to the fire.

 

When I look back now all I can remember is the constant feeling of chaos, albeit insidiously blissful and addicting chaos aimed at my own self destruction, but hey, at the time I was confused about what was best for ME.

 

Remember we are the architects of our own destruction or success, don't let others dictate your character and actions or you will never know who you are inside! STOP, Take A Deep Breath, Man Up and Put All Of Your Needs First.

 

Saying she is going to work on a commission and stay at her moms for a week is a big red flag and in my opinion a serious sign that in the long run she would be untrustworthy.

 

In a mature, adult, relationship in which the two parties are committed, let alone married, these kind of tactics have no place whatsoever. If she was serious about the relationship she would have talked it out with you. Perhaps, you two would have figured out a gameplan, ie counseling, activities together, learning something new together, taking a break etc. but instead of that she LIES to you, slinks to her mothers, sets up her fall back plan and then lets the guillotine fall on your neck.

 

In my mind she did you a favor! BUT if you want to get her back the same strategy for moving on, at least in my opinion, will work.

 

The nice part of "moving on" or putting your needs first is that it is a win-win situation. Chances are when you're out there doing you, feeling good about yourself, and for the first time in a long time putting your needs first, the karmic gods, fate, or the wizard of oz (whatever you beleive in) will send a little message to the reptilian part of her brain that says "maybe I made a mistake!"

 

DO you, she WILL contact you, but only if you put yourself first and stop dealing with this drama. She wants you out of her life, right? Well kindly oblige and step off stage left. They always come running back, especially after a long term relationship....she might rebound, already have another guy or whatever.

 

But when the time comes that she calls or wants to see how you are doing the power of choice will be in your hands.

 

Right now you feel like you have no choice, but you do!

 

1)Try to get her back to satisfy your wounded heart, ego, soul, pride etc.

 

2)Be the person you dream of being but are to scared to become

 

option 2 is better trust me....and by coincidence it is the best way to have an ex come crawling back! At which point you will decide!

 

My advice in a nutshell is DO YOU, if you're going to let one girl dictate your self esteem, self worth and emotional well being you will never, I repeat never, get what you want out of life.

 

Here is a link to another useful thread with tips on how to get her back and get over this drama

 

Top 10 Ways To Get Over A Messy Breakup

 

I know getting her back is your goal! This article can help, as well as provide you with a mental hug and a whisper to your inner self that says "I have worth and infinite potential" which is true....just dont spend your time fretting over someone that would leave you on a dime!

 

Once they start playing this game they typically never stop! Be Warned

 

Rob

[tears_in_rain]

Tears in Rain,

 

I feel for you man! Hey none of us are perfect beings, if we were than boards like this wouldn't have a place in the world.

 

Keep this in mind, She isn't perfect either, it takes two to make or break a relationship. Granted for a time maybe you were or weren't pulling your weight in the "needs" departments, at least in her mind.

 

Sounds to me like you're a good guy, and your story is somewhat similar to mine. The thing that I notice most about your post is that whenever there was a problem in the relationship it was with YOU.

 

More precisely it was about how she views you! How often did you have issues with her not having a job, having to be the sole breadwinner, etc.? More importantly how often did you bring them up to her? Probably not often, more than likely you were scrambling to change all your habits to suite HER needs.

 

Seems to me like you were putting ALL of her needs before your own. Drinking every night like that isn't healthy, you're right there, I have been in the same predicament. The question you have to ask yourself is this; Why was I drinking so much?

 

When I asked myself this I realized that a large part of why I was drinking so much is that my partner had the unique ability to make me feel "less than" as in Less Than Ideal for her.

 

Now this wasn't the only reason I drank but it sure did add some fuel to the fire.

 

When I look back now all I can remember is the constant feeling of chaos, albeit insidiously blissful and addicting chaos aimed at my own self destruction, but hey, at the time I was confused about what was best for ME.

 

Remember we are the architects of our own destruction or success, don't let others dictate your character and actions or you will never know who you are inside! STOP, Take A Deep Breath, Man Up and Put All Of Your Needs First.

 

Saying she is going to work on a commission and stay at her moms for a week is a big red flag and in my opinion a serious sign that in the long run she would be untrustworthy.

 

In a mature, adult, relationship in which the two parties are committed, let alone married, these kind of tactics have no place whatsoever. If she was serious about the relationship she would have talked it out with you. Perhaps, you two would have figured out a gameplan, ie counseling, activities together, learning something new together, taking a break etc. but instead of that she LIES to you, slinks to her mothers, sets up her fall back plan and then lets the guillotine fall on your neck.

 

In my mind she did you a favor! BUT if you want to get her back the same strategy for moving on, at least in my opinion, will work.

 

The nice part of "moving on" or putting your needs first is that it is a win-win situation. Chances are when you're out there doing you, feeling good about yourself, and for the first time in a long time putting your needs first, the karmic gods, fate, or the wizard of oz (whatever you beleive in) will send a little message to the reptilian part of her brain that says "maybe I made a mistake!"

 

DO you, she WILL contact you, but only if you put yourself first and stop dealing with this drama. She wants you out of her life, right? Well kindly oblige and step off stage left. They always come running back, especially after a long term relationship....she might rebound, already have another guy or whatever.

 

But when the time comes that she calls or wants to see how you are doing the power of choice will be in your hands.

 

Right now you feel like you have no choice, but you do!

 

1)Try to get her back to satisfy your wounded heart, ego, soul, pride etc.

 

2)Be the person you dream of being but are to scared to become

 

option 2 is better trust me....and by coincidence it is the best way to have an ex come crawling back! At which point you will decide!

 

My advice in a nutshell is DO YOU, if you're going to let one girl dictate your self esteem, self worth and emotional well being you will never, I repeat never, get what you want out of life.

 

Here is a link to another useful thread with tips on how to get her back and get over this drama

 

Top 10 Ways To Get Over A Messy Breakup

 

I know getting her back is your goal! This article can help, as well as provide you with a mental hug and a whisper to your inner self that says "I have worth and infinite potential" which is true....just dont spend your time fretting over someone that would leave you on a dime!

 

Once they start playing this game they typically never stop! Be Warned

 

Rob

 

Rob. A strong name, which we share.

 

Knowing what I know now, I don't want her back.

She said change this....do that ! For me!

You know what, now I know what I know...screw that. I do everything I can to make things right and you don't want to acknowledge what I have done for us , in the the time frame you designed. You refuse to see, witness, accept what I have done, rectified or achieved at your behest. Well you know what...stick it where the sun don't shine. I know what kind of person you really are. You are not the person I believed you to be. The person which swore that you would never give up on a relationship, the person who swore they would never cheat as long as they were with someone and the person who swore they would never let anything get in the way of solving a problem.

 

She may have found faults with the relationship which she didn't like and exaggerated them to make out that it was only my fault but believe me I haven't let loose half the facts here. I have admited to my faults on this forum to give an honest account of myself and get real and honest feedback on my situation. The people on LS have been through many things and I respect all the comments I receive no matter how painful they sound.

 

Let's put it really out there. I drank because she didn't help me in the relationship. It was all about my problems and I was complicit in thinking only I was to blame. Now I realize I didn't include her faults in the equation. I became depressed that she wouldn't see eye to eye on this point. All my friends saw this and went "she's really not into reality on this." & "dude, me and my wife / lady have to f@@king work our socks off to make things work, why can't xxxxx see things like they really are."."Does she realize that it takes X amount of money on average to raise a kid a year in its first year. Why doesn't she help." Regardless, Drinking didn't really help me or us so I addressed that. Problem addressed. No matter what I've stated on this forum before, I can honestly say to myself in a mirror and to any one who looks me in the eye, "my drinking is no longer a problem & I don't care if you believe me or not. I have control ! I have tamed my demons."

 

You're right and my close friends have echoed this...."if this was a mature relation ship she would have sat down with you and communicated her desires to work this out with you. Spelled out her problems and at least set a defined deadline for you to sort yourself out or that would be it."

 

You know what :

 

option 1) Try to get her back to satisfy your wounded heart, ego, soul, pride etc.

 

Not an option any longer....... I Did what I did to change, improve for us, for me, whatever......her infidelity has screwed any chance of reconciliation and perhaps made me feel less like grieving, crying, moping and woken up.

 

Option 2)Be the person you dream of being but are to scared to become

 

Damn straight ! This is what I will achieve. A better person for me and me only ! I will strive to make myself better not to make her jealous, want me, think i'm the fall back if the grass is not better on the other side etc.

 

There is someone out there that deserves the love I can give and who will truely see the good and kind person I am. The affection and attraction will be visible and the results will be magical. I know now that MY 15 YEARS have been wasted by this Succubus and that I can still be myself with someone genuine.

[tears_in_rain]

What does anyone think about this....

 

Should I confront my wife about her infidelity ? I could say 'so how was your weekend away with xxxxx' or 'So how was f@@ing xxxxx this weekend.

 

Please don't think I'm going mad or anything. Knowing that this is going on has probably saved my mind from going off the edge. I am now no longer crying about what could be etc. I have packed her clothes in bags, ready for her to get out of the apartment quicker.

 

What might be the best way for me to get her to admit to cheating on me.

 

Any thoughts would be gratefully received.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am now 99% sure my wife is cheating on me.

 

She was supposed to out for the weekend with her best friend but I know that the best friend is not with her.

 

My wife has been taken away for the weekend by a mutual friend who I get the impression and gut feeling is the person she is cheating on me with. Right at this very minute.

 

This mutual friend has not spoken to me since my wife walked out on me. Not offered me any condolences that my wife has walked away from the marriage. Silence. What's worse is that he lives a few doors down from me in a basement with his family.

 

Sorry to say, I read most of your thread this morning and this is the impression I got too.

 

She checked out and rewrote your history. Big red flags.

 

It's a pit to go through. Sorry to see that.

[tears_in_rain]

Sorry to say, I read most of your thread this morning and this is the impression I got too.

 

She checked out and rewrote your history. Big red flags.

 

It's a pit to go through. Sorry to see that.

 

Cheers Dears! Any thoughts on how to proceed. I don't want to play the bitter hand and freak out. I want to be the better person in all this.

 

I would like to know how to confront her on the infidelity front. Should I keep my cards to myself right now ? She'll get a bit of a shock that most of her things are bagged and tagged for quick removal even though she expects me to be moping around and begging her to come back. I really want to throw the cat amongst the pigeons and let her brother and mother know about what I know but am unsure how to proceed.

[dreamingoftigers]

When she asks why just let her know that you know and call it a day.

 

Finito.

[tears_in_rain]

Damn it ! Another dark day. Literally too. Just before I got home the skies open up and I got lashed by rain, hail, thunder & lightning. I run back home and open the door soaking wet and see all her things bagged up. (I had put back the things I had already bagged the other day firstly in the vain hope that this was all a bad dream and then secondly to give her more work to do packing)

 

I felt gutted all over again. Seeing her life packed up and ready to move it all out made me clench up even more than I already was today. I felt the eyes well up and the top lip quiver. Yet somehow I fought it back. This is all like some bad movie cliche however, this movie I feel doesn't have a happy end to this relationship.

 

Over the course of this week she'll be moving everything out until I'll only be staring at the blank spaces and voids she has left. It all seems so final and depressing.

 

Now I'm thinking about whether I should go NC on her and hope that she'll see that maybe she does miss me, still love me, that she didn't cheat and that I just misinterpreted the info and suspicions. (don't now if this is fear or denial speaking).

 

Or

 

Tell the person I have loved so deeply for 15 years that we should file for divorce. (quickie / clean break) Although I can't file under infidelity as I have no proof. So it would have to under unreasonable behavior with me to blame I guess. Was drinking and neglecting her because of it. I suppose me having sorted those problems out and willing to make marriage work are now irrelevant.

 

Any thoughts good people of LS

Edited April 10, 2012 by tears_in_rain
good spelling

[lizardking8610]

Don't need to go making a bunch of decisions now, like what has been said before, take a step back and breathe a bit.

 

You're emotionally overwhelmed and certainly not level headed, making irrational decisions is highly likely after a breakup!

 

I know it's tough but life goes on and so will yours! Make it a good one!

 

Yes go No Contact and just give yourself some breathing room, she's not going to fall off the face of the earth.

 

Worried about her rebounding/cheating?

 

Don't be if she is or does so in the near future she did you a favor, at least then you wouldn't have to conjecture with yourself whether she is really right for you, you'll KNOW she's not if she does that....so don't worry about it.

 

She really is only 1 person....did you ever imagine you would let one person control your life?

 

Probably not!

 

But that's what you are doing right now....Letting a woman control your life...yea we all get the blues, buy a harmonica, or a puppy, but seriously, you need more emotional upheaval like you need a hole in your head.

 

So chill out, go NC for a couple weeks, get your head on straight partner!

[tears_in_rain]

Don't need to go making a bunch of decisions now, like what has been said before, take a step back and breathe a bit.

 

You're emotionally overwhelmed and certainly not level headed, making irrational decisions is highly likely after a breakup!

 

I know it's tough but life goes on and so will yours! Make it a good one!

 

Yes go No Contact and just give yourself some breathing room, she's not going to fall off the face of the earth.

 

Worried about her rebounding/cheating?

 

Don't be if she is or does so in the near future she did you a favor, at least then you wouldn't have to conjecture with yourself whether she is really right for you, you'll KNOW she's not if she does that....so don't worry about it.

 

She really is only 1 person....did you ever imagine you would let one person control your life?

 

Probably not!

 

But that's what you are doing right now....Letting a woman control your life...yea we all get the blues, buy a harmonica, or a puppy, but seriously, you need more emotional upheaval like you need a hole in your head.

 

So chill out, go NC for a couple weeks, get your head on straight partner!

 

Yeah sure my heads not as clear as it should be right now and yes emotionally overwhelmed is massively understating things.

 

NC seems the right thing to do right now. Problem is that right now she's okay with a clean break. Her things she takes. My things I keep. I just worry that her friends, who have already been pecking in her ears, will change her mind and insist that she take another pound or more of flesh if divorce becomes reality. The wife has already been telling everyone she know and their dog how I was such a s*** husband. Even though before she walked out they all loved me. So I don't want her to start scheming. I don't need her trying to control that as well.

 

Might get the guitar out later and play those blues away. Can't play the blues on a puppy.

 

Cheers fella ! You're a very supportive bloke.

[lizardking8610]

Just remember you can't control what she is going to do!

 

You only have control over yourself, and at this point I would say that control, if any, is limited.

 

Why waste your time worrying about her scheming....you're in a rut....you've got yourself into the habit of letting her control your life...

 

Don't let her live rent free in your head....

 

She's gonna do what shes gonna do!

 

If your a good guy people know that, and in the long run, will appreciate you for it. Peoples true colors seem to always reveal themselves as time passes...

 

as for the people that are going to buy into her bullsh*t, well, you know the answer to that...f*ck em...don't let them control your life too....

 

Being in control of your own life is scary at first but it is much more rewarding than being emotionally dependent on someone that isn't going to be there for you....