maya.arrow Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 i feel for you! i know that hearing that your wife is crying to her brother that she still loves you makes you feel like if you say the right thing or keep talking to her, you'll be able to convince her to come back. But it sounds like you have already said the right things--things that would have broken me down in a second!--and it hasn't worked. That makes me think there is something more behind your wife's resolve...and if it isn't another person (which it sounds like it isn't), then maybe you need to respect that. I feel like there is a chance for you guys and that the love is still there. I think the best thing for you to do is to step back and give her space. you've said all there is to say. Maybe just send her a short message that sums it up--I love you and if you want me, come find me. I'll be working every day at becoming the man you want me to be. --hehe, or something like that. and then DO IT. Go read the Great Gatsby (although that has a sad ending...but the idea of transforming oneself for love, with or without the guarantee of that person coming to you might be a good thing to read). Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 i feel for you! i know that hearing that your wife is crying to her brother that she still loves you makes you feel like if you say the right thing or keep talking to her, you'll be able to convince her to come back. But it sounds like you have already said the right things--things that would have broken me down in a second!--and it hasn't worked. That makes me think there is something more behind your wife's resolve...and if it isn't another person (which it sounds like it isn't), then maybe you need to respect that. I feel like there is a chance for you guys and that the love is still there. I think the best thing for you to do is to step back and give her space. you've said all there is to say. Maybe just send her a short message that sums it up--I love you and if you want me, come find me. I'll be working every day at becoming the man you want me to be. --hehe, or something like that. and then DO IT. Go read the Great Gatsby (although that has a sad ending...but the idea of transforming oneself for love, with or without the guarantee of that person coming to you might be a good thing to read). Hey Maya It does give me hope that she says these things but I do realise that I cannot really convince her of anything. The ball is in her court on that one. I've said all the things from my heart that I believe needed to be said. I've stated my will and intent. I've done all that she asked. Out of interest what right things that I've said would have broken you down. Maybe it'll give me a perspective on different personalities. Also why in your opinion it doesn't sound like another person might be involved. Many who have commented so far have seen red flags on this including myself. However, I'm a bit all over the place emotionally so my opinion should be taken with a cup of salt. If I give her more space does that not make her comfortable in her current situation. She is not home alone staring at the spaces where she used to exist with me. She is with her mother with all the home comforts that entails. She is not out there on her own, lonely and quiet. I'll give the Great Gatsby a go. Suprisingly I've never read it or seen the film. Hopefully the sad ending won't make me blub too bad. It used to take a special book or film to get me teary eyed but now I think if I saw a snowman melt I might scream. Link to post Share on other sites
ItsJustTheWayItIs Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Tears...I have been following you story since the beginning and have even made a comment. I don't mean this to be mean or negative, its just MY opinion...if a man (any man) pestered me and obsessed over me as openly as you do your wife while we were separated...I don't think I would want him back. Neediness and 'woe is me' can only go on so long and then you have to man/woman up...and move on. What I'd like to know is did you put this much energy into your marriage while you were together? If you did...then shame on her, if you didn't well I'm sorry, but shame on you. Give her some space and respect that space. If she keeps going....well let her go. Build a life of your own...its almost like you have no identity now that she is gone and that is scary.....I hate that you have to wait a month for therapy because you need it right now. Get a life....YOU will be happier with one regardless if she is in it or not. I speak from experience. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
maya.arrow Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Hey Tears, Re your first question--it sounds like you were making the steps to change, and your words about working on it together, about being willing to set a plan to make her dreams happen--all that stuff was very thoughtful. I definitely would have given you a chance, especially if I saw that you had stopped drinking too. But then again, I am only hearing your side of the story. Your wife seems to think it was too little, too late. I don't know the reasons for that. Your second question--I guess if you believe what her brother is telling you, it doesn't sound like a woman who is about to be involved with someone else. Maybe there is someone she is interested in that might have helped motivate her to leave. But interest alone isn't enough to break up a marriage. Who knows...if she says there isn't anyone, after breaking up with you so definitely, then maybe she is telling the truth. It's hard to know if she wants to be fought for, or if she wants to have space. It just sounds like you have done everything you could. I would say backing off a little would be good and might stop giving her the upper hand. Maybe you can just keep her updated, lovingly, on what you are doing, once a week or once every two weeks. Ask her if she is doing okay. Ask her if there is anything she needs. Tell her you love her. But keep it short and don't pressure her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 ItsJustTheWayItIs….I remember your comment and value your opinions then and now. I have only seen my wife 3 times in the past 37 days. The first time was when she said she was walking out on me. The second time 2 weeks later we arranged when she could move her stuff out and finally 3 weeks after that my attempt to talk to her once more. In this time we have barely exchanged more than 5 or 6 text messages. Does all this really constitute pestering. She has had space and will continue to have it as the ball is in her court. The only obsessing I have done is on this forum as a sounding board for my thoughts as my close friends have been unavailable throughout this ordeal apart from the odd email or quick call as they are out of the country. I have never needed her in my life in that kind of clingy way. I have always just wanted to share my life with her and until recently, her with me. I have always invested this much energy into our relationship whether it be as boyfriend & girlfriend and then as man & wife. If I commit to love I do it completely, ardently and with dedication. I have never been a passenger in this relationship but instead a driver and co-driver. I do have my own identity. She never made me who I am. I have always been me and that is one of the reasons she was attracted to me. However, she did compliment me, as in together we were brighter and bolder. In that sense now that she has gone I do feel dimmer and subdued. Talking Therapy is needed sooner rather than later. I am getting my life sorted, with her in it or not. I can only control my own actions. Eventually I hope to be happier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 Maya, Thanks for the reply. I too don’t really know why it was too little too late. We were happy, in love, friends & lovers in one week and then the next week that dissolved into nothing. Strangers. If she had wanted to see a change in the time asked for and it was changed, why flick the switch ? All I can offer now is space. She has had that already but if she needs more so be it. She knows where I stand and what I want. I have not begged or pleaded only told her I want to make it work with her help. I understand pressure will only push her further away. I don’t know if she will notice or find out what I am doing to move forward or if she cares but I would hope after 15 years together she might be curious about me. So far she has shown little or no concern about the effects her actions have had on me or our families and zero interest in what I am up to. I she really doesn’t want anything to do with me I am taking steps to ensure I am prepared for that outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted April 28, 2012 Author Share Posted April 28, 2012 So I have been flip flopping recently as to whether my gut instinct was right that she was cheating or I had read to much into my intel and was just assuming the worst because of my emotional turmoil and as such my wife simply walked out and there would be a chance to reconcile. I now have the smoking gun. Indelible proof which confirms that 9 times out of 10 your gut instincts are probably correct. That and the pile of red flags you saw or missed due to the shock. Also most of you who read my story and commented. You all saw it. Yes I was probably in denial. 100% CHEATER ! With exactly who I suspected too. When I saw the proof I started physically shaking. Turns out that she is in love with this guy but at the same time is still in love with me. She can't make up her mind who she wants ! Had to read the sordid details about them. My mind is stained. They've booked a room for tomorrows shennanigans ! Typical WW in affair fog. Both sneaking around getting people to lie about their whereabouts like Fraking school kids. Having to book sordid hotel room liasons because they both stay with their parents. Come on ! Well Wife ! You shall be receiving some legal documents very soon. Maybe that will make your mind up fairly comprehensively. Note to self - Talk to solicitor Monday Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 Welcome back to Hell. I totally empathize with your frustration etc. My husband would disappear for large periods of time and cheat while blaming me. Brutal. Never could totally know which way was up. What a mind-****. You feel the pangs in your stomach and then try to rationalize them away. It's too overwhelming to be real so you either shut down or try to minimize it: Maybe it was just a one-time thing, this is so unlike so-and-so, I must've done something wrong and if I did, I can fix it. No no no no no. It wasn't right and she wasn't regulating herself right. Something got to her. Maybe some kind of emotional or psychological or boundary glitch. And she went with it. And she can't even own it. I am sorry for the pain of the loneliness added to the shame that you will be going through. Your sleep will be all over the place. At least you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted April 28, 2012 Author Share Posted April 28, 2012 Welcome back to Hell. I totally empathize with your frustration etc. My husband would disappear for large periods of time and cheat while blaming me. Brutal. Never could totally know which way was up. What a mind-****. You feel the pangs in your stomach and then try to rationalize them away. It's too overwhelming to be real so you either shut down or try to minimize it: Maybe it was just a one-time thing, this is so unlike so-and-so, I must've done something wrong and if I did, I can fix it. No no no no no. It wasn't right and she wasn't regulating herself right. Something got to her. Maybe some kind of emotional or psychological or boundary glitch. And she went with it. And she can't even own it. I am sorry for the pain of the loneliness added to the shame that you will be going through. Your sleep will be all over the place. At least you know. Hey Tiger ! You know what, when she 1st went to her mother's (in hindsight a convenient place to carry on the affair) I actually got a physical pain in my heart that shocked me one afternoon. I thought I was a bit nuts thinking it could be to do with her but in hindsight that was gut intuition in all its glory. I have spent the last week thinking 'no i'm projecting my worst fears into this because I'm in pain, shock whatever at her bailing.' I was going through every plan / playbook ever devised to get her to talk to me and work this marriage out. My God ! Intuition and the clues I had were dead on. Even my mother said 'no...she doesn't seem the person who would do that to you' I said 'Mum I feel it in my gut'. Asked her to see me today to see my evidence and even she was blown away. I was so in denial that I thought I could fix it / work things through. I love / loved my wife so much I didn't think it really possible that she could / would do this especially because she always said that she could never cheat on me no matter what. She would always fight for the relationship no matter what. She would never give up on us. So much for that. Now I know that the relationship with OM has been going on for some time. She claims she loves him. Really ! She ran away from her problems / our problems straight in to the arms of a vulture. Someone willing to prey on her insecurities, her victim mentality. Already she is unsure of his long term suitability. Her immediate needs are being met and she thinks she is being treated like a queen. Really ! Try working hard at a relationship for 15 years. The everyday things. I could take anyone out and spend away to make them feel like a goddess. In a long term relationship not everyday is put you on a pedestal day and give you whatever you want day. Sometimes you are going to have a fairly mundane day. You're going to have to get used to that. You will be respected, loved and cared for but everyday being treated and rewarded with gifts and being taken out. Go for it. See if that happens. Sometimes you might have to stay in and just be for a while. The affair fog is wonderful I'm sure, I don't know as I've always been a faithful partner. The level of emotional, physical and financial bribery to sustain an affair can only go on for so long without a pure connection. And already she questions that connection. If she had only given herself space instead of an affair she could have had everything she desired in life. She could have been a mother by Christmas, she could have had the man she always wanted. I personally feel that she has robbed me of the opportunity of having a family with the person I loved. The person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The woman who I hoped to grow old with and play with our grandchildren with. I going to have to find another person to for fill that dream with now. My time frame is set back. A whole load of new people to vet and reject or commit to and reject. Cheers ! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 I feel a tremendous amount of kinship with your struggle and the things you are saying. Although my husband and I are working through a reconciliation at this point: my situation has been incredibly bleak and disjointed. Even to the point where we did not live properly together between this February and last. He also had to hit a very miserable and unfortunate rock bottom which included an extended stay in the back of his car. The big difference here is that we have a little girl. I wasn't ready to toss it all away largely because of that. I felt very bitterly robbed of who I married and the chance to have a "real" family. I still feel very bitter for the sake of my daughter but I am slowly coming to terms with the reality and gravity of his issues and seeing the progress he has made. The feeling in your heart/stomach YES! don't doubt it! BUT I have found that sometimes the fear or memory of such things feels similar to it. In future relationships, you will have to be able to discern whether it is fear and anxiety over the ghost of Ex-wife Past or is it the "I'm gonna puke because I know she is messing around on me" feeling. I couldn't sleep for about two years because of the sick to my stomach feeling. On a couple of occasions I blatantly told my husband I knew he was lying because I was sick to my stomach. Even if I was sick to my stomach when he was out of the house. I attend an infidelity support group. One of the women there talked about how she felt really suddenly overwhelmed like she wanted to throw up but that she knew she didn't have the flu or anything. It turned out that was the time her husband and his OW consummated the relationship. Another thing that really stuck out for me was the amount that you did for your wife to be supportive. When one person is working toward the "we" goal and the other is taking a backseat, the person working for "we" ends up having more value for "we." If the other person hasn't invested that much in, they don't feel that they are losing much, or that it is easy to replace. Often they even become resentful. They are also doing less, so they have time to sit back and nitpick on every flaw. REALLY noticed this in my marriage. I took huge steps back and it worked much better. If you start here: |-------------/--| and she's over here and you travel all of the way to that slashy line every time, she doesn't have to go very far to get her needs met. She doesn't have to put anything in. But if you do this: |------/ --| and only go up to the halfway point, she has to come and meet you halfway. It is not a negative or selfish thing to put in HALF or even 60%. It is actual love and faith in the other person to let them do their own heavy lifting for their hopes and dreams. The more you lift for them, the less strong they become. Sorry if that sounds like the Lecture Hour. It's just stuff I had to learn the hard way. Don't fear being alone and going through this like you are somehow different or separate from other people. I felt very isolated/alone/ashamed before I found out just how screwed up at least half of us are. Many people everyday around you are dealing with pain like this and many many people understand. You sound like a really strong person, I think that you will pull through quicker then most. I think you can sever this faster than most and not fall into her game, especially her blaming. As for the fog: fog lifts eventually and she will be in a very different place then when she started. You may be able to recon, but it sounds too bitter and like you have lost all respect for her actions. Don't let anyone guilt you into it. I can't stand it when people pull crap like that. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ToyWithMe812 Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 100% CHEATER ! With exactly who I suspected too. When I saw the proof I started physically shaking. Turns out that she is in love with this guy but at the same time is still in love with me. She can't make up her mind who she wants ! Note to self - Talk to solicitor Monday My friend, I had no doubt that this was the situation as I have been following your story. I have a sort of similar situation in a relationship of 10 years. Anyhow dude, make no mistake, she is not "still in love with you," or she would have never done that to you. She made her mind up the moment she decided to take this course. People do not so much as change, or evolve, as much as they mutate. Someone who said that they love you, that can literally drop you at the drop of a hat, was honestly really never in love with you. They turn into another being, someone you no longer know. That is what I find myself saying throughout the day, "I don't know you." I still have my ups and downs, but love is so entertainment/hollywood artificial these days. If you can live without someone, you do not love them as the love of your life, end of story... Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted April 28, 2012 Author Share Posted April 28, 2012 I feel a tremendous amount of kinship with your struggle and the things you are saying. Although my husband and I are working through a reconciliation at this point: my situation has been incredibly bleak and disjointed. Even to the point where we did not live properly together between this February and last. He also had to hit a very miserable and unfortunate rock bottom which included an extended stay in the back of his car. The big difference here is that we have a little girl. I wasn't ready to toss it all away largely because of that. I felt very bitterly robbed of who I married and the chance to have a "real" family. I still feel very bitter for the sake of my daughter but I am slowly coming to terms with the reality and gravity of his issues and seeing the progress he has made. The feeling in your heart/stomach YES! don't doubt it! BUT I have found that sometimes the fear or memory of such things feels similar to it. In future relationships, you will have to be able to discern whether it is fear and anxiety over the ghost of Ex-wife Past or is it the "I'm gonna puke because I know she is messing around on me" feeling. I couldn't sleep for about two years because of the sick to my stomach feeling. On a couple of occasions I blatantly told my husband I knew he was lying because I was sick to my stomach. Even if I was sick to my stomach when he was out of the house. I attend an infidelity support group. One of the women there talked about how she felt really suddenly overwhelmed like she wanted to throw up but that she knew she didn't have the flu or anything. It turned out that was the time her husband and his OW consummated the relationship. Another thing that really stuck out for me was the amount that you did for your wife to be supportive. When one person is working toward the "we" goal and the other is taking a backseat, the person working for "we" ends up having more value for "we." If the other person hasn't invested that much in, they don't feel that they are losing much, or that it is easy to replace. Often they even become resentful. They are also doing less, so they have time to sit back and nitpick on every flaw. REALLY noticed this in my marriage. I took huge steps back and it worked much better. If you start here: |-------------/--| and she's over here and you travel all of the way to that slashy line every time, she doesn't have to go very far to get her needs met. She doesn't have to put anything in. But if you do this: |------/ --| and only go up to the halfway point, she has to come and meet you halfway. It is not a negative or selfish thing to put in HALF or even 60%. It is actual love and faith in the other person to let them do their own heavy lifting for their hopes and dreams. The more you lift for them, the less strong they become. Sorry if that sounds like the Lecture Hour. It's just stuff I had to learn the hard way. Don't fear being alone and going through this like you are somehow different or separate from other people. I felt very isolated/alone/ashamed before I found out just how screwed up at least half of us are. Many people everyday around you are dealing with pain like this and many many people understand. You sound like a really strong person, I think that you will pull through quicker then most. I think you can sever this faster than most and not fall into her game, especially her blaming. As for the fog: fog lifts eventually and she will be in a very different place then when she started. You may be able to recon, but it sounds too bitter and like you have lost all respect for her actions. Don't let anyone guilt you into it. I can't stand it when people pull crap like that. Best of luck. First of all let me say that I had not read any threads that you had posted prior to your latest comment on my thread. Sorry I have been too self absorbed in my predicament. However, I went through almost all your threads since to find out why you felt a kinship to my story. You have seem to have suffered through the 7 levels of hell. Your problems make my problems seem like a mild flu. Yet you are resilient, strong and full of courage. Your determination to reach a better place and flip the bird at each level of hell you claw out of is astounding. You are like a terminator. You will not stop ! I presume that is because of your wonderful daughter. Your unconditional love for your child and the desire to give her the best of love and life is inspirational and makes me cry with joy and a little bit of self-indulgent sorrow. If my wife had half the strength, grit, determination, belief in what marriage is really about, emotionally maturity, communication skills and commitment that you have in your little finger I don't think I would be where I am now. I take my hat off and bow deeply with respect to you. But how on earth do manage to still try and reconcile with your husband. Is is again because of your daughter ? Wanting her to grow up in a family unit and not just being passed around between two parents ? After reading your story about what he has put you through I remain sceptical that he will not hurt you again down the line. Please don't worry if you feel like your taking me on 'Lecture Hour'. These past few weeks have been like some awful University of Life. I have devoured all resources I could about relationships, marriage, divorce, affairs, infidelity and human psychology to try and make sense of my situation. I have gone through plans to win her back, to walk away intact, to try and get her to even talk to me, to reconcile etc. I have supported her for 15 years. Through a serious illness almost no one could diagnose, financial support, emotion support, consistent rejection of her artwork, joy turning to despair at her art success turning into failure at getting screwed on deals, the death of her father, her being the victim of bullying and so many other examples. The most prominent support I remember receiving from her ? Very little. I was on holiday with her 2 and a half years ago when I received news from my mother that my father had died. It was late in the evening and I put down the phone and told my wife the bad news. All I got was 'Oh I'm sorry to hear that' and a squeeze on the shoulder. No big hug or any other words of comfort. In fact she went to bed soon after that. When her father died I spent the whole day holding or hugging her and drying her tears away whilst talking to her. I agree with your slashy line thing. She feels entitled and doesn't have to meet anywhere the middle. Again you are correct when you say 'If the other person hasn't invested that much in, they don't feel that they are losing much, or that it is easy to replace. Often they even become resentful. They are also doing less, so they have time to sit back and nitpick on every flaw.' I know I'm not alone in feeling this anguish and despair. The sense of betrayal, the deceit and lies. Unfortunately in today's disposable society It is all around us. So many people suffering. The 7 year itch has become the 3 year itch etc. Finding this forum and others has been a great thing for me and my sanity. Having people post their thoughts on my situation for better or worse is wonderfully cathartic. Someone out there understands. Someone out there has been there and done it and come out of the other side. Sometimes intact, mostly slightly scarred. I have made my mistakes and I have learnt from them. I implemented change in myself for myself. Also for the good of the marriage. This was ignored. Now I know why. All these things have made me a much better man and husband. I am now what she thought she wanted all along. The thing is she has now thrown that away. I'm sure I will be a wonderful husband again, just to someone else. I was ready to reconcile with her. To forgive the immature and cruel way she ran away from the marriage without sitting down, communicating and addressing how we could meet our emotional needs. However, infidelity was the only boundary that could not be crossed. I always said there would be no coming back from that. She also extolled this virtue. Hypocrite. I am steel. My blade is straight and true. I will not use my sharpened point for revenge for that is the way of the fool. Justice through honour and law. I will not stoop to my enemies levels for I am the better man. I will remain faithful to my own convictions and will remain faithful to my marriage until the day it is dissolved. When I am truly free I shall rejoice and feel no remorse because I was true to myself and my value system. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted April 28, 2012 Author Share Posted April 28, 2012 My friend, I had no doubt that this was the situation as I have been following your story. I have a sort of similar situation in a relationship of 10 years. Anyhow dude, make no mistake, she is not "still in love with you," or she would have never done that to you. She made her mind up the moment she decided to take this course. People do not so much as change, or evolve, as much as they mutate. Someone who said that they love you, that can literally drop you at the drop of a hat, was honestly really never in love with you. They turn into another being, someone you no longer know. That is what I find myself saying throughout the day, "I don't know you." I still have my ups and downs, but love is so entertainment/hollywood artificial these days. If you can live without someone, you do not love them as the love of your life, end of story... I totally agree with you my friend. Especially your last two sentences. May the universe bless you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted May 1, 2012 Author Share Posted May 1, 2012 Going to meet with Solicitor tomorrow afternoon and review my options. Got to ask if I can just serve divorce papers with my evidence or if it is better to go to wife with a draft suggesting I'm going to serve on all parties involved. More dramatic and might force a confession from her and therefore a signature admitting adultery on the papers. I'm wondering if I should expose the affair to various key people in my wife's circle after I confront her or serve her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted May 5, 2012 Author Share Posted May 5, 2012 As much as I want to give my wife both barrels and tell her I know everything and that she is a cheating leach I have to realise the bigger picture. The end goal is to divorce her with the minimum of fuss. To do this I am going to have to play it extremely cool and cleverly. I am going to have to give an oscar worthy performance until I am properly divorced and financially separated from her. No way am I going to pay out to someone who cheated on me and walked out of he marriage. I am going to have to tip toe around on egg shells and make it look like I'm doing her a favor by setting her free from me. I'll have to tell her we can both move on and do what ever we want after we're divorced. (she's already been doing whatever she wants) I will have to tell her spurious reasons for divorcing her and get her to agree that these can be on the divorce papers and get her to agree to sign them when they arrive on her doorstep. Or if she agrees to divorce by adultery as an easier option without accusing her of it then brilliant. Although I doubt she'll do that. Either way she will be wound up by both angles hence the play it cool need. I'm going to meet her on Tuesday to tell her all this. I tried to arrange it for today but she said she was busy. Unfortunately for my mind I know that busy this weekend means another hotel trip for her and the OM. I hate that the divorce laws and courts are so unbalanced. I should be able to file for divorce for adultery and get a clean break from the wife without having to worry about losing out financially to someone who has shotgunned the marriage. We have no kids to split, no house, we have ownership of our own possessions but still there is a risk of paying her for being a cheating wench. Any suggestions welcome. Any pointers to remaining calm under pressure equally welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 I don't know what the divorce laws are in the UK, but since there are no kids involved or a lot of finances to separate, I would suggest you go about the divorce as quickly and painlessly as possible. If there is a way to petition the court for dissolution and have your wife agree to divorce mediation whereby you both agree that the personal possessions will be divided equally and you each walk away not having to pay alimony to the other party, that would be the way to go, IMO. Get it over with as painlessly and cheaply as possible. And don't go making others around you privy to your personal life, other than those closest to you that you need for emotional support. Don't drag her relatives or friends into this. No good can come from that for you. Walk away with class, as cheaply and painlessly as possible. Don't drag other people into this drama with your wife. Retaliation will bring you down in the process. Just walk away as quickly and painlessly as possible, with the least amount of drama as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted May 5, 2012 Author Share Posted May 5, 2012 I don't know what the divorce laws are in the UK, but since there are no kids involved or a lot of finances to separate, I would suggest you go about the divorce as quickly and painlessly as possible. If there is a way to petition the court for dissolution and have your wife agree to divorce mediation whereby you both agree that the personal possessions will be divided equally and you each walk away not having to pay alimony to the other party, that would be the way to go, IMO. Get it over with as painlessly and cheaply as possible. And don't go making others around you privy to your personal life, other than those closest to you that you need for emotional support. Don't drag her relatives or friends into this. No good can come from that for you. Walk away with class, as cheaply and painlessly as possible. Don't drag other people into this drama with your wife. Retaliation will bring you down in the process. Just walk away as quickly and painlessly as possible, with the least amount of drama as possible. I agree with everything you've said. I'm going to have to bite my tongue all the way through this. Anytime I feel the red mist descending I'll have to count to 10 and remain calm. It's a maelstrom in my head knowing everything that I know now and still having to pretend to be amicable, friendly etc However, I know it's for the greater good. Clean, cheap, painless split. No dramas or dragging anyone in to it. When its all done and dusted I can say my piece but until then...zip it. Problem is her. At the moment she is acting very strangely by all accounts. Who knows how she will react to any of this. I've known her for 15 years and thought I knew her inside out but now she's a different kettle of fish. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 I agree with everything you've said. I'm going to have to bite my tongue all the way through this. Anytime I feel the red mist descending I'll have to count to 10 and remain calm. It's a maelstrom in my head knowing everything that I know now and still having to pretend to be amicable, friendly etc However, I know it's for the greater good. Clean, cheap, painless split. No dramas or dragging anyone in to it. When its all done and dusted I can say my piece but until then...zip it. Problem is her. At the moment she is acting very strangely by all accounts. Who knows how she will react to any of this. I've known her for 15 years and thought I knew her inside out but now she's a different kettle of fish. I'm sorry you are going through this, but at least now you know the truth and can plan your life with your eyes wide open. I would suggest you tell your wife you have solid evidence that she cheated on you before she left you, and you are therefore wanting to go ahead with the divorce. Then suggest the divorce mediation to work out the division of property and settlement agreement, and then file for the divorce. Put your cards on the table up front. Say your peace right from the start. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted May 5, 2012 Author Share Posted May 5, 2012 I'm sorry you are going through this, but at least now you know the truth and can plan your life with your eyes wide open. I would suggest you tell your wife you have solid evidence that she cheated on you before she left you, and you are therefore wanting to go ahead with the divorce. Then suggest the divorce mediation to work out the division of property and settlement agreement, and then file for the divorce. Put your cards on the table up front. Say your peace right from the start. Good luck. I'm in two minds as to telling her I have solid evidence of cheating. I could and want to say that I know she's cheating, the evidence is A) B) C) etc. The problem is that will raise the hairs on her back and become defensive. Consequently she'll become more irrational and less agreeable to a sensible course of action. She'll become like a cornered animal and who knows in what ways she'll lash out. This is my main dilemma. I want to lay my cards on the table and say 'wife you have cheated on our marriage and therefore I shall divorce you for adultery. Please sign this statement saying you did what you did. We do not have to name any other party involved but please sign this and the papers when they land on your door.' However, as she's acting very oddly, almost madly, I feel I might have to go down a different angle and divorce her on the grounds of 'Unreasonable behaviour' and have to list a bunch of palatable / unpalatable reasons of her actions that I feel make the marriage irretrievably broken down. It will possibly make her more agreeable to a clean split. My good and sage oldest friends thinks this is the best way to avoid her going mental and seeking financial claims. I agree with him in principle and is probably the wisest course of action. But the honest route of I know the truth and here it is...well that's tempting but maybe not the best for the overall goal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted May 6, 2012 Author Share Posted May 6, 2012 Right whats the best course of action....bear in mind I am dealing with an irrational, emotionally immature, spoilt brat with entitlement issues. Wife walked out of the marriage with scant interest in reconciling because she had another man to butter her up. Cheating was occurring well before walking out. Overall aim / goal - Quick, cheap, painless, amicable divorce with no alimony / maintenance involved. In UK two choices for quick divorce (not really that quick 6-9 months if uncontested) 1) Adultery - Has to be admitted to, a confession statement signed & and signed on divorce papers without contesting. Can name other party but that will only involve lawyers, court and massive expense dragging everyone through the court system. 2) Unreasonable behaviour - must give 5-7 or more example of why spouses behaviour is intolerable and means that the marriage has irretrievably broken down. (these reasons will be disclosed to wife and agreed upon to lessen surprise element blow unfortunately. Ultimately will allow hopefully to enable agreeable and amicable divorce) What do I do if she doesn't agree to divorce ? What if she says 'I want to divorce from you not the other way round' What angle to I take as to regards I know she cheated and committed adultery. Do I just go in, man up and say 'you walked out and cheated rather than work on the marriage' or take a more careful path of simply achieving the overall goal of getting the divorce and severing all financial ties with her without danger of having to pay her for being a cheating wench. Suggestions please. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted May 7, 2012 Share Posted May 7, 2012 It's hard to advise you when I am not familiar with divorce laws in the UK. Here in the US, there are no fault divorce laws, and in your case, with limited finances and no kids, it would make sense to go to divorce mediation and refrain from incurring huge legal fees. If UK divorce laws require that you prove fault, and if your friends are advising you that it would be easier to file without claiming adultery, then perhaps that's the way to go. Link to post Share on other sites
gibson Posted May 7, 2012 Share Posted May 7, 2012 Most of the posters in this forum are young and never have been married. My advice... Create a thread in the Separation / Divorce Forum or ask the admins to move it. You will probably get more views / assistance from people that have walked a mile in your shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted May 11, 2012 Author Share Posted May 11, 2012 How can I get the admins or mods to move this ? I tried using the contact us thingy twice. Not sure how long it takes the admins or mods to do this sort of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
robkris8079 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 Move it where? I have contacted mods so many times in the past about things. I never get any response what so ever. So goodluck with getting it moved. Hope your situation is looking up. I haven't been keeping up with everything. My life has been crazy but all in a positive way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tears_in_rain Posted May 11, 2012 Author Share Posted May 11, 2012 Move it where? I have contacted mods so many times in the past about things. I never get any response what so ever. So goodluck with getting it moved. Hope your situation is looking up. I haven't been keeping up with everything. My life has been crazy but all in a positive way. I thought to the separated / divorce board but I started a new thread there instead. Glad to hear you're having a crazy time in a good way. I'm still F'd up. Bad week. Emotionally knackered. I have an overwhelming urge to let my stbxw know that I know (almost) everything about her affair. Its eating me up inside. I saw her this week for a chat. Was going to tell her I'm divorcing her but kept it to chit chat. How I'm doing, what I'm doing to keep busy etc. She sends me a message after saying 'so please you're looking after yourself....this is the hardest thing to do in my life....my heart while never recover' BItch doesn't know what pain is. Try walking in my shoes you cheating Wh@re Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts