Wife walked out on me. I want her back !

[tears_in_rain]

Just remember you can't control what she is going to do!

 

You only have control over yourself, and at this point I would say that control, if any, is limited.

 

Why waste your time worrying about her scheming....you're in a rut....you've got yourself into the habit of letting her control your life...

 

Don't let her live rent free in your head....

 

She's gonna do what shes gonna do!

 

If your a good guy people know that, and in the long run, will appreciate you for it. Peoples true colors seem to always reveal themselves as time passes...

 

as for the people that are going to buy into her bullsh*t, well, you know the answer to that...f*ck em...don't let them control your life too....

 

Being in control of your own life is scary at first but it is much more rewarding than being emotionally dependent on someone that isn't going to be there for you....

 

I know. I'm sure you get how hard it is to crunch the brain into that gear of thinking when someone feels at their lowest ebb but then again you got to start somewhere. From acorns to oaks.

 

"Don't let her live rent free in your head...." love that line !

 

She had her time in there but Mr Landlord says it's time for her to go.

Mr I Control My Life now is moving in. No deposit required ! Stay as long as you like.

[tears_in_rain]

Things are getting madder and madder.

 

Now my wife is trying to turn me against my mother. Through a Kafkaesque form of Chinese Whispers via her mother to her brother to my wife a rumour has been sown that my mother has gone round to (in my eyes not theirs - the suspected other man involved) this guys place and and started asking where he is and insinuating that he and my wife are having an affair. (I know 100% that she didn't do this)

 

This makes my wife furious and she says "what this got to do with ********'s mother, this is a joke & very embarrassing for me...my personal life has been exposed, I'm so angry...can you stop all this." I reply saying "WTF ! no ones spoken to this guys mother, what are you on about." - no reply to that. (must have touched a nerve which was too close for comfort)

 

Well I tell my mother this and she goes bats**t. She calls my wife's mother to say wtf are you telling people these lies. The wife's mother goes 'oh I must of got it wrong. (not a native English speaker) I'll tell everyone that I've got it wrong."

 

Well it turns out that she only relayed the message partially and said that she only got the rumour slightly wrong.

 

The brother calls me the other day after helping my wife move out her things and says how sad it is that this is all happening (he's been a good friend throughout this and had hoped it had all worked out for the best). He said that my mother had made this all worse by interfering and that he had spoke to the other man in question who had confirmed that my mother had been doing what was rumoured.

 

The fact that my mother had not done anything of the sort because she knew what I knew and that I told her not to do anything confirms to my mind that my wife and the other man were just covering their collective rear ends from exposure.

 

My wife is twisting everything and anything in her bid to cover her deception.

She is rewriting our history to make her seem like a victim in every way when she walked out without warning torpedoing my life. She had ample opportunity

to see that things had changed for the better before she walked out. Yet she chose to ignore it all. Like it was all planned. Days before she walked she was laughing with me, having great sex with me and behaving like a happy married couple. How she played me.

 

So while i'm suffering through the shock of being deserted, she's off having a great time with someone else without a care in the world for her so called soulmate who she's stick with through anything. She's not alone considering her actions. She is being pampered at home and still living rent free at the expense of her doting and gullible mother and surrounded by friends who like vultures pick at the flesh of her exaggerated or made up stories and revisions of our life. Whilst I'm trying to point my life in a direction which points away from despair and towards healing and restructure she has the nerve to try and turn me against the only close family member left to me.

 

Sickening.

[tears_in_rain]

Have just read some articles about :

 

Rewriting the marriage history

 

Rewriting the Marriage History - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

 

So scarily accurate it's untrue. Exactly what my has done and accurate in the way she has made me feel.

 

Also wayward wife syndrome.

 

P.S

 

Anyone know how I can get more evidence on her possible cheating ?

[JohnBons]

Hey man,

 

My first post here, I'm gonna do my best to help you out. I'm going to be as honest as I can, and your feeling might get hurt, but that might be a good thing.

 

I was reading through this thread and I already came to the conclusion that she cheated on you before you did.

 

I don't want to berate any one particular gender or person here but it just goes to show how wrong the women that posted earlier in this thread were and how more closer to the truth the men were (I knew this when I read it the first time).

 

There is absolutely NO QUESTION she cheated on you, and that it most definitely during the time she 'was staying at her mother's.' This was probably the first time she cheated on you, but it might not have been. But she DEFINITELY cheated on you this entire week, in fact, I would not be surprised at all if she went out of town on a trip with her fling. Search your guts...they will tell you the truth here-you know it's true. You don't need evidence. Don't let your hopes and wishes cloud the truth--this is something myself and my brothers in arms have done far too often.

 

I don't know who this fling might be, it could very well be who you suspect...male instincts are usually spot on, and you are probably right.

 

The thing is now..does it matter?

 

Are you going to allow yourself to be a huge doormat and let this cheating lying filth take advantage of your good soul and good intentions? She let some other guy stick his dick in her, lied to your face and then BLAMED IT ON YOU! And you took it man! Oh, dude...you took it. I know this came from a GOOD PLACE, and I have made the SAME MISTAKE, but please my brother...you must wake up now and see the wolf in your midst. Don't make the same mistake again.

 

It was not your fault that she cheated on you, though I know MANY women (and some men!) will claim you did something wrong or that you weren't man enough. Please do not buy into this bull****. This is just the ridiculous mindset of an overly feminist society rearing it's ugly head.

 

It was HER FAULT. You are a GOOD MAN.

 

I'm going to give you one piece of advice my man, and you can take it or leave it, but I guarantee it is the best thing for you right now.

 

Dump that bitch.

 

And move on as soon as possible. I know you were with her for 15 years and it's gonna take some time to get over the pain, but this is the moment of truth. You can wallow in self-pity and sadness and loss or you can take action now. What you decide to do will dictate the next 5 years of your life.

 

Take steps immediately to cut her COMPLETELY from your life, her (obviously toxic) family from your life, and move on.

 

Do what men do. TAKE ACTION.

 

Then go on and do whatever it is that you've wanted to do your entire life.

 

You are free. (You are also goddamn lucky you don't have kids with her).

 

I wish you the best and hope you will do what is best for you.

Edited April 18, 2012 by JohnBons

[Radu]

Hi. I'm an unfortunate newbie here. This may be a long story but it may have elements many of you can relate to judging by what I have read.

 

My wife walked out on me ten days ago and I'm in pieces.

We have been together and in love for 15 years and married for the last two and a half years.

I am 36 and she is 35 and we have always considered ourselves as best friends, soulmates & lovers.

 

Over 15 years we have never had any real problems except a brief split a few years prior to marrying. I had to get over a dope smoking habit. Which I did. We never shouted at each other, hit one another, cheated or swore at each other. We are so similar in interests and have so much in common. The good times rolled. Until maybe a year ago.

 

My wife expressed her dislike of my heavy drinking, understandably. This is not a drink in the morning and then onwards type of heavy drinking but more like an hour or so after work I would crack open a few cans (3 or 4) and then have a few glasses of wine. Normally everyday. (not good I know).

 

I was sick of my job and worried that I couldn't find a better one to pay for the things we wanted in the near future like a place of our own and kids. (not that we didn't live rent free in a very nice and safe part of town albeit a basement appartment with not a great deal of light). I was the only one bringing in any income due to her wanting to be an artist, then an illustrator and then training to be a yoga teacher. I supported her financially and emotionally through the good times and the bad paying all bills, holiday costs (she wants about three of those a year) and the rest.

 

The drinking caused me to stay up late at home doing my own thing and often I didn't go to bed at the same as my wife. So she felt neglected. Though many times she had simply fallen asleep on the sofa very early and then I carried her exhausted to bed or gently suggested she'd be better off going bed a couple of hours later. Often she must have expected me to follow her to bed for some lovin' but sometimes when she was so tired I assumed wrongly or not that she wanted to sleep.

 

We did have plenty of sex (apparently not enough) and were both attracted to each other. But she felt neglected and lonely that I didn't always come to bed with her even if just to give her company. This didn't happen all the time but enough obviously to really annoy her.

 

We had talked about having kids but she never really believed I wanted them and that I wasn't responsible enough to have them. I did want them and felt I was responsible. Anyway she said she wanted to start trying for kids in March (now) and that I should get my act together and change the bad habits I had. So I did.

 

I stopped the excessive drinking (now maybe a glass of wine for dinner or two and completely stopped the beers) and went to bed earlier, got up earlier, made sure I was always on time for work and generally acted more responsibly then before. I hoped that she would notice but either she didn't or wasn't bothered.

 

About 17 days ago she said she was going to stay at her mother's place for a week or so to work on an illustration commission that she got because there was more light there. I said okay knowing that she had the work to do but did say why don't you come home in the evenings after it gets dark. She said 'oh you know I'll probably work through the nights because I need to get this done.' All seemed above board.

 

Over the next week she didn't respond to my texts or calls and I was a bit worried. Then ten days ago she comes home and gives it the 'We need to talk line'.

 

Basically she blurts out that she's 'so angry...so angry'. 'I don't know why I've wasted my time. All my friends have kids. (only two of her friends have kids) I should have had 3 by now!' (maybe you could have had if you helped me financially towards anything). Then she goes 'you don't want kids anyway and your not responsible enough and you drink too much and you'd be a terrible father anyway.' I told her, 'have you not noticed that I've stopped the mad drinking and sorted my act out like you asked me to ?' She just said that she didn't believe me and that everytime she talked about kids I made up excuses not to have them. (erm...no I didn't) She would let me prove that I did everything she asked me to do and basically ignored my protests.

 

Then she said that she felt stuck at square one in this place (my appartment) and that we'd never move out even if we had a kid. I told her that was crazy. First we get pregnant then we move out however financially insecure that might make us and then we raise the child somewhere different. (we could get help from the state and our families initially) She didn't believe that one either.

 

Her other point was that she felt neglected and unloved. I agreed that I had neglected her but that she was always loved and that I had sorted many things out in order for her to see how much better a person I was. Closer to the version of me she had said she had wanted. She didn't care and said

'I don't love you anymore' and walked out.

 

Over the past few days I've cried like a baby, felt the grip of stress and pain across my chest and heart, had very little appetite and had little sleep. I considered an end to it all but have ruled that darkness out.

 

I have sent the apologetic email (all I could contact her by) admitting my faults and stating my changes for the better. Asking why she couldn't come home and witness these differences for herself and letting me prove my changes which she asked for.

 

That fell on cold deaf ears.

“I have made up my mind, I think it's best for me to go my separate way...*

I have thought long and hard, *& this feels the right thing for me to do....

I hope one day in the future we will be able to be friends... “

 

I said “I just need to talk to you”......response today (all contact by email remember !)

“I thought about meeting up with you for a chat,* but I feel that it's probably best for you if we don't...

I have made up my mind about us, and this feels 100% right for me..

If you feel you want to talk to me, I am more then happy to meet, but I am certain that nothing is going to change how I feel now...

 

We have nothing to split. If you could place the car papers on my desk so that I can pick up, as my brother will be helping me move my things out....

Oh yes Car keys too.

Much appreciated.....

 

That sounds cold.

 

I really do love her and would welcome any comments, suggestions and advice from anyone on here. I'm heartbroken and just want to win her back. If she sees the changes I've made then surely she has to believe......

 

I'm willing to fight for my marriage tooth and nail. Why is she so willing to throw it all away.

 

I'm sorry for your loss, but i think it's for the best.

 

First of all, you need to keep on that path of self-improving, not because you will ever get her back, but for your own sanity and well being.

Those habits you mentioned are pretty nasty, i hope you stay very clear of them.

 

You might want to get into IC. You are very affected by this, you had 2 addictions in the past and i suspect your job made you depressed (you mentioned something like this).

 

2nd, if what you wrote is a good reflection of what your relationship with her was like and how she was like, you got lucky :

1 - she seems to be the kind that bottles down everything untill it blows up in her head, and then starts doing marital history rewriting ... you do not want this kind of person next to you for your life

2 - she did not work but she wanted 3 vacations / yr ?

Really ??

WTF gave her the right to ask for that ?

And then be pissed that you guys couldn't afford a house for the child ?

Is she ****ing stupid ?

From your description she sounds like a perpetual student, too lazy or too afraid to make the step.

3 - i suspect her mom had something to do with this, if she came back all decided after spending time with her.

4 - i suspect she either wants another guy or she is cheating

 

Why did it take you 13yrs to get married ?

Why did you 2 not try for a baby earlier ?

Edited April 18, 2012 by Radu

[Radu]

I just read what she does to your friends.

 

Look, you have 2 options ... you can either fight her on her equal ground with proof but even with proof of her affair you will be like Don Quixote with the windmills or ... you can separate yourself from all this.

If she has another guy she will hook up very fast with him, and try to show him off to the family as 'everything my ex was not'.

 

However this is all smoke and mirrors, and when it clears ... ppl will notice the crap in the middle.

 

The question is, what are you gaining by fighting for this ?

Your mom won't leave your side.

Your true friends will be there for you.

And even if you are left with none, you can always make new friends.

Just say '**** her' and get out, it's not like proof of her A will win you points with the divorce judge, you said you two had not much in the way of possesions.

Understand that villifying the ex is how these women work, and get on with your life.

At this age, she is the one in the ****ter, men have way more options than women and i suspect in 1yr tops she will be trying to get back into your good graces.

Edited April 18, 2012 by Radu

[tears_in_rain]

I'm sorry for your loss, but i think it's for the best.

 

First of all, you need to keep on that path of self-improving, not because you will ever get her back, but for your own sanity and well being.

Those habits you mentioned are pretty nasty, i hope you stay very clear of them.

 

You might want to get into IC. You are very affected by this, you had 2 addictions in the past and i suspect your job made you depressed (you mentioned something like this).

 

2nd, if what you wrote is a good reflection of what your relationship with her was like and how she was like, you got lucky :

1 - she seems to be the kind that bottles down everything untill it blows up in her head, and then starts doing marital history rewriting ... you do not want this kind of person next to you for your life

2 - she did not work but she wanted 3 vacations / yr ?

Really ??

WTF gave her the right to ask for that ?

And then be pissed that you guys couldn't afford a house for the child ?

Is she ****ing stupid ?

From your description she sounds like a perpetual student, too lazy or too afraid to make the step.

3 - i suspect her mom had something to do with this, if she came back all decided after spending time with her.

4 - i suspect she either wants another guy or she is cheating

 

Why did it take you 13yrs to get married ?

Why did you 2 not try for a baby earlier ?

 

@ Radu

 

Firstly thank you for taking the time to comment on my situation.

 

Its 30 days since the bomb was dropped and whilst I'm trying hard to work on myself everything is still so raw. I'm going to the gym, finding new hobbies, going to bed early, (although I just toss & turn for hours until I drift into a sporadic slumber) keeping up with the not drinking & investigating jobs or courses to advance myself. Yet each day I am a clenched ball of tension and my head is a total mess.

 

I know she won't be back banging on my door begging for me to forgive what she has done to me. Had she wanted to notice that I had changed for her as she asked weeks before she walked out she could have. She had checked out of this marriage mentally already. This was planned and executed with cold precision. No sit down and rational talk of 'this is what's wrong' or 'this is what it'll take to make the marriage work'. This was shock and awe. So much so that I’m seeking therapy for the depression I now suffer and counseling for the feelings I now have to deal with.

 

1) Yup she was a bottler. No communication on things that bothered her. Just ultimatums.

 

2 ) The drinking started as a result of feeling that I could not provide enough to keep up with her demands for a lifestyle we could not afford especially given that she would not get a job. It would be accurate to describe her as a perpetual student.

She would only stay at any given job for a matter of months and then go back to

being an ‘artist’ or then go and study for something and then return to being an ‘artist’.

All the time being supported by myself.

 

3) Yes her mother accepts anything her princess tells her and shells out for anything she wants.

 

4) The gut feeling confirms cheating. The small amount of evidence I have points to cheating. This cheating is being hidden / covered up from everyone except her best girlfriends who give cover stories as to where and with who she goes out with.

 

We met in our early twenties and saw no need for marriage early on. ‘No piece of paper can prove our love for each other’ blah blah blah

Only when I wanted to prove my commitment to her and show her that I wanted the marriage, kids etc did I get down on my knee and propose to her. She had always said that she was not ready for kids yet or that she was still enjoying life and that there was so much she wanted to see or do before having a child. It was only until last year that she expressed a serious desire to start trying for a child. Yet she never showed any interest in how we could do this financially. Yes we could produce a baby. Most fools can do that. But what kind of life would it be brought in to. One where its father was never there because he was working 2 or 3 jobs to keep a roof over its head.

 

There is nothing to gain from fighting for her. She has made her decision and she will not bend because she believes it is correct. Because of her cheating I do not want her back. The pain she cause by her sudden walk out but now knowing about the cheated has sent an extra dagger of betrayal in to my heart.

 

The rewriting of our marriage is just a way of covering her guilt and convincing herself that what ever she has done is correct. I can see through that crap. Yet it is still hurtful.

[tears_in_rain]

Hey man,

 

My first post here, I'm gonna do my best to help you out. I'm going to be as honest as I can, and your feeling might get hurt, but that might be a good thing.

 

I was reading through this thread and I already came to the conclusion that she cheated on you before you did.

 

I don't want to berate any one particular gender or person here but it just goes to show how wrong the women that posted earlier in this thread were and how more closer to the truth the men were (I knew this when I read it the first time).

 

There is absolutely NO QUESTION she cheated on you, and that it most definitely during the time she 'was staying at her mother's.' This was probably the first time she cheated on you, but it might not have been. But she DEFINITELY cheated on you this entire week, in fact, I would not be surprised at all if she went out of town on a trip with her fling. Search your guts...they will tell you the truth here-you know it's true. You don't need evidence. Don't let your hopes and wishes cloud the truth--this is something myself and my brothers in arms have done far too often.

 

I don't know who this fling might be, it could very well be who you suspect...male instincts are usually spot on, and you are probably right.

 

The thing is now..does it matter?

 

Are you going to allow yourself to be a huge doormat and let this cheating lying filth take advantage of your good soul and good intentions? She let some other guy stick his dick in her, lied to your face and then BLAMED IT ON YOU! And you took it man! Oh, dude...you took it. I know this came from a GOOD PLACE, and I have made the SAME MISTAKE, but please my brother...you must wake up now and see the wolf in your midst. Don't make the same mistake again.

 

It was not your fault that she cheated on you, though I know MANY women (and some men!) will claim you did something wrong or that you weren't man enough. Please do not buy into this bull****. This is just the ridiculous mindset of an overly feminist society rearing it's ugly head.

 

It was HER FAULT. You are a GOOD MAN.

 

I'm going to give you one piece of advice my man, and you can take it or leave it, but I guarantee it is the best thing for you right now.

 

Dump that bitch.

 

And move on as soon as possible. I know you were with her for 15 years and it's gonna take some time to get over the pain, but this is the moment of truth. You can wallow in self-pity and sadness and loss or you can take action now. What you decide to do will dictate the next 5 years of your life.

 

Take steps immediately to cut her COMPLETELY from your life, her (obviously toxic) family from your life, and move on.

 

Do what men do. TAKE ACTION.

 

Then go on and do whatever it is that you've wanted to do your entire life.

 

You are free. (You are also goddamn lucky you don't have kids with her).

 

I wish you the best and hope you will do what is best for you.

 

Hi JohnBons

 

You’re right. I feel it in my heart, my gut and soul. She cheated. I’m pretty sure with who and when. Yup a trip away over Easter away was definitely one of those times as well.

My instincts are correct even if I had to part the mist to finally see it. All evidence is irrelevant even though they make the jigsaw of deceit more complete.

 

Does it matter now. – No.

Was it my fault. – No.

Will I take action. – Yes

 

I have woken up and seen the flags everywhere.

Did it matter that I did everything to try and make the marriage work. – No.

Did she want everything on her terms only. – Yes

Do I agree with this one sided form of relationship. – No

 

Course of action :

 

1) Completely cut her out of my life. (Done already. Her & all stuff is gone. NC ongoing.)

2) Seek legal advice on best way to proceed with Divorce before she does.

3) Keep improving my life for myself.

4) Keep plough on through the pain until I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

[Daniel Kaiser]

Hello mate. I don't have the time to read through all that has been replied here, but reading your story, I can easily find what happened in your life.

 

I'm not gonna give you advice, as this is a very deep rooted problem, but you can find about it yourself, and solve it, and grow out of it by YOURSELF.

 

I seriously recommend that you read the book THE WAY OF THE SUPERIOR MAN.

 

 

You will easily understand what went through the mind of your woman, and if you truly do give this some deep though and effort, I'm sure you can get her back.

[Zahara]

Course of action :

 

1) Completely cut her out of my life. (Done already. Her & all stuff is gone. NC ongoing.)

2) Seek legal advice on best way to proceed with Divorce before she does.

3) Keep improving my life for myself.

4) Keep plough on through the pain until I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I'm sorry Tears. I felt so sad reading your post in that I could relate. Past the first page I had a feeling she was seeing someone else and sure enough you nailed it. I don't have much to contribute as there are many wise posters here supporting you on your journey.

 

Stay the course. That is all you can do. That is all I could do when I went through my divorce and there will come a time when you will see the light and it will truly dawn on you that it was all for the best.

 

Be strong. It won't always be this way.

[JohnBons]

Hi JohnBons

 

You’re right. I feel it in my heart, my gut and soul. She cheated. I’m pretty sure with who and when. Yup a trip away over Easter away was definitely one of those times as well.

My instincts are correct even if I had to part the mist to finally see it. All evidence is irrelevant even though they make the jigsaw of deceit more complete.

 

Does it matter now. – No.

Was it my fault. – No.

Will I take action. – Yes

 

I have woken up and seen the flags everywhere.

Did it matter that I did everything to try and make the marriage work. – No.

Did she want everything on her terms only. – Yes

Do I agree with this one sided form of relationship. – No

 

Course of action :

 

1) Completely cut her out of my life. (Done already. Her & all stuff is gone. NC ongoing.)

2) Seek legal advice on best way to proceed with Divorce before she does.

3) Keep improving my life for myself.

4) Keep plough on through the pain until I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

 

That's a good start.

 

I know you're a bag of mixed emotions right now, and part of you wants to make it work with her and part of you wants to punch her in the face and scream at her for being so disrespectful.

 

The thing you have to keep reminding yourself is that the only way to deal with evil bitch-ness is to remove it from your life. No amount of human love, respect and space that you naturally gave her is going to change her from the deceitful psychopath she obviously is, and no vagina is worth this amount of pain.

 

Then, you have to ask yourself what it is that you feel about yourself that you allow yourself to be treated this way. Do you have other relationships where you feel like a doormat in your life? Do other people push you around, emotionally manipulate you, and just be dickheads in general towards you? Lie to your face?

 

These things are in your life because of YOU. So ask yourself, why are you allowing them to be there?

 

Only when you see the patterns in your life and the underlying reasons in your personality that are at the root of these relationships can you begin to live a healthy and happy life surrounded with people that you care about and that exists some mutual respect between you.

 

I suggest some counselling...it helped me wonders.

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. Way of the Superior Man is not recommended for you right now. Regardless of what people on the internet say, no one book has all the right answers and WOSM is pseudo anyway.

Edited April 18, 2012 by JohnBons

[OptimisticChiq]

Hi Tears_In_Rain,

 

I'm a newbie here, and in relationships too. Your story is the first marriage story I read, and I'm glad I did.

 

My first relationship just ended, he was 9 years older than me. He had gone through an annulment (from where I live, divorce isn't the legal norm), which was finalized in 2010, had a complicated girlfriend from 2008 - 2010 as the case went on, and then we dated from mid-2011 to early this year. He was such a darling, he patiently waited for me, we took things slow, sadly his past hurts still continued to haunt him, as well as current problems. Things didn't end so well between us, but I'm hoping one day for another chance at us. Yes, I'm hoping for another chance with a complicated man.

 

I never really understood the repercussions of his failed marriage - all he said was he missed his kids because the ex-wife and her family barred him from seeing them (another legal thing). I knew it must have hurt when his wife left, but I never understood its depth. Now I kind of understand more how it affected him.

 

I hope everything goes well for you as you seek growth.

[tears_in_rain]

Hi Tears_In_Rain,

 

I'm a newbie here, and in relationships too. Your story is the first marriage story I read, and I'm glad I did.

 

My first relationship just ended, he was 9 years older than me. He had gone through an annulment (from where I live, divorce isn't the legal norm), which was finalized in 2010, had a complicated girlfriend from 2008 - 2010 as the case went on, and then we dated from mid-2011 to early this year. He was such a darling, he patiently waited for me, we took things slow, sadly his past hurts still continued to haunt him, as well as current problems. Things didn't end so well between us, but I'm hoping one day for another chance at us. Yes, I'm hoping for another chance with a complicated man.

 

I never really understood the repercussions of his failed marriage - all he said was he missed his kids because the ex-wife and her family barred him from seeing them (another legal thing). I knew it must have hurt when his wife left, but I never understood its depth. Now I kind of understand more how it affected him.

 

I hope everything goes well for you as you seek growth.

 

Thanks for reading my ongoing story !

 

When you're wife leaves it feels like an nuclear bomb going off inside destroying your life.

When you're wife leaves you and runs straight into the arms of another man, that feels like a supernova. Recover seems impossible or at least improbable.

 

Today I was diagnosed with severe depression & put on anti-depressants. I have been told that I will have to wait for a month for any counselling.

That sucks !

[robkris8079]

Thanks for reading my ongoing story !

 

When you're wife leaves it feels like an nuclear bomb going off inside destroying your life.

When you're wife leaves you and runs straight into the arms of another man, that feels like a supernova. Recover seems impossible or at least improbable.

 

Today I was diagnosed with severe depression & put on anti-depressants. I have been told that I will have to wait for a month for any counselling.

That sucks !

 

my exwife left me for another man years ago. I can tell you without a doubt you will recover and be better then ever. Ironically I'm back on here due to someone I met after all of that. We split a little ways back and this one is WAY harder for me to deal with then the exwife. Not sure if that helps you to say that or not. But you will go on, love again, be happy again. Hopefully not back on here like me again.

[tears_in_rain]

my exwife left me for another man years ago. I can tell you without a doubt you will recover and be better then ever. Ironically I'm back on here due to someone I met after all of that. We split a little ways back and this one is WAY harder for me to deal with then the exwife. Not sure if that helps you to say that or not. But you will go on, love again, be happy again. Hopefully not back on here like me again.

 

Would love to know how you coped early on after your wife left you.

Did she cheat on you while you were still married and if so did you confront her about it. I don't know whether or not to do so. The little evidence I have (as she's moved out) might not be enough for her to admit to it.

 

Who knows if I'll be happy or in love again, I thought I had found 'the one' already. Perhaps, perhaps not. At least these forums are a refuge for our thoughts.

[robkris8079]

Yes she cheated while we were married. She was acting distant and went to see "a friend". I knew something was up and told her to finish our business before you start something else. Basically meaning I'll let you go if you want to be with someone else but don't cheat. She went back another time and did what she did.

 

As far as coping I went through it with my brother. He had gone through something similar around same time. We just kept busy, worked out, made all new friends, went out alot, talked to everyone but not about our situations. I focused on my daughter alot too. I had to make sure we were alright financially. So made steps toward that.

 

Just kept doing that and my ex faded and faded. Before I knew it I was in a whole new world. It took several months for this to happen. Eventually in this whole new world I found a young lady. I knew her brother first, met her family camping and bunch of her friends. Also my good friend dated and is now married to her cousin. Well now I'm here because of her .

 

Wash, rinse, repeat!! This one like I stated for some reason is much more difficult for me. Without a doubt in my mind I loved her more then my exwife. Not even close to being on the same level of love. But I will get through this too.

[tears_in_rain]

Yes she cheated while we were married. She was acting distant and went to see "a friend". I knew something was up and told her to finish our business before you start something else. Basically meaning I'll let you go if you want to be with someone else but don't cheat. She went back another time and did what she did.

 

As far as coping I went through it with my brother. He had gone through something similar around same time. We just kept busy, worked out, made all new friends, went out alot, talked to everyone but not about our situations. I focused on my daughter alot too. I had to make sure we were alright financially. So made steps toward that.

 

Just kept doing that and my ex faded and faded. Before I knew it I was in a whole new world. It took several months for this to happen. Eventually in this whole new world I found a young lady. I knew her brother first, met her family camping and bunch of her friends. Also my good friend dated and is now married to her cousin. Well now I'm here because of her .

 

Wash, rinse, repeat!! This one like I stated for some reason is much more difficult for me. Without a doubt in my mind I loved her more then my exwife. Not even close to being on the same level of love. But I will get through this too.

 

It sounds like you were lucky to have your brother at your side and your daughter to focus on. I've got to go out a meet new friends on my own somewhere which seems quite daunting right now but I know I'll have to try.

Wish I had a wingman for that.

 

Hope you can get over your latest life obstacle. I hope we can all find love again.

[robkris8079]

My brother and kid are gifts in my life for sure.

 

Reach out to some old friends. Latch on for a bit and TALK to EVERYONE! Just keep doing it and before you know it there are new people in your life. Some become friends, others acquaintances and some nothing comes of it at all. More people you talk to and things you do the less time you have to dwell on an ex. Thoughts will get less and less. It takes time though, lots of time. Don't rush anything. Don't fight any feelings. As my brother tells me "feel it, then let it go".

 

I will get over my current situation without a doubt and you will too.

[2sunny]

Stay busy and find hobbies that make you happy!

[tears_in_rain]

Oh Crap !

 

Just spoke to wife's brother. He had a long talk with my wife the other day where she was crying saying

 

'we could have been having kids by now, we could have been fighting to make it work.'

 

The brother thinks I'm wrong about the cheating angle and says there's nothing there. She hasn't been seeing anyone.

 

What if I'm wrong. What if I have read too much into the evidence I think I have. There is no smoking gun just implications.

 

If she hasn't cheated, even though she walked out, I would be willing to fight for my marriage. Many might call me a fool for it but I love her.

 

I know where she'll be tonight and I could calmly talk to her.

 

What does anyone think. Please advise.

I could go around to her place now and try and talk too.

[KathyM]

Oh Crap !

 

Just spoke to wife's brother. He had a long talk with my wife the other day where she was crying saying

 

'we could have been having kids by now, we could have been fighting to make it work.'

 

The brother thinks I'm wrong about the cheating angle and says there's nothing there. She hasn't been seeing anyone.

 

What if I'm wrong. What if I have read too much into the evidence I think I have. There is no smoking gun just implications.

 

If she hasn't cheated, even though she walked out, I would be willing to fight for my marriage. Many might call me a fool for it but I love her.

 

I know where she'll be tonight and I could calmly talk to her.

 

What does anyone think. Please advise.

I could go around to her place now and try and talk too.

If you have no valid reason for thinking she cheated on you before she left, then I think you do owe it to yourself to try to save your marriage. Go over to her house with a humble spirit, and ask to talk. Tell her you want her back, and you want to make your marriage work, and will do what it takes to make her happy and give her the family she wants to have, even if it means taking on a second job. Tell her you don't want to lose her, and you want to make your marriage work. Ask her to give you another chance to prove to her that you are serious about making it work, and being the kind of man she needs you to be. Don't blame her for anything. Don't make this a negative conversation, or a pleading one. You are just there to lay your cards out on the table, let her know what your intentions are on how to save your marriage, and then let her decide how to go from there. That's your only chance, IMO. There's something very powerful about someone being willing to humble himself and saying outright "I want you back." No games, no beating around the bush, no miscommunication or blaming, just honesty and positive intent. It could work. You have nothing to lose at this point by trying.

[tears_in_rain]

So with the mind set that maybe I'm wrong and that I've misconstrued any evidence of cheating on the wife's part I went over to her mother's place to talk to her and broke NC in doing so.

 

Her mother let me in and was very happy to see me. Dinner was being cooked but the wife hadn't come out yet from her room. When she did she was a little shocked to say the least but she said hi with a slight smile. Anyway the three of us had dinner together like old times except in the old times my wife wasn't rigid with silence and used to look at me and smile or laugh.

 

After dinner I told her I would like to talk to her and we went to her room. I told her that we don't have to set our lives backwards like this. Our goals were and are the same. I told her that together we could make the marriage work and that she has always been the most precious person in my life.

That the only person I ever wanted to start a family with was her as we had talked about. That together we could sit down and forge a plan to make it all happen. I told her again that all the changes she had asked for me to make to show her that I was a responsible adult had been made in the time frame she had asked for. That I was the man she needed me to be. I thought I saw a chink in her armour. Almost a bend in her will.

 

The ever present wall was still there. The same arguments given. 'It's too late. I don't believe you.

Nothing will ever change. You'll just go back to how you were. I gave you so many chances, you didn't listen.' Never really looking me in the eye saying any of this.

 

Hang on a minute!

 

You didn't give chance after chance. You told me to show me by March that things were different and I did but you didn't notice. You ran away to your mother's rather than face the changes I'd made.

She said that 'I saw some changes but not enough.' - I know because you didn't stay around long enough to see them all. Then she said that it took for her to leave me to make me change.

- I could have mentally crushed a planet at that remark -

No I changed before you did that you just didn't want to know.

 

I changed tack from this as it was getting nowhere. I asked her 'can you not see that instead of dismantling our lives and setting us both back years we could be working together as a unit, a married couple, to take what we want from life and make it our own.'

 

No. I've moved on now (you've moved back to your mother's ivory tower to be blanketed and pampered. Cooked for and cleaned up after. You don't have to worry about bills or spending because mother will look after you. Is that really moving on from being independent)

 

She gets fidgety at this point and goes off to do something. I see her phone on the window sill.

Desperate for info I go through her texts. I go straight for her best friends messages as I know this is where the secrets would be.

 

I see one exchange which goes like this :

 

Wife's Bestfriend : Hi how are you what are you doing

My Wife : Oh I'm in ******** right now just going off to a hotel for some naughtiness

 

My thoughts are twofold. 1) I don't want to misinterpret any more info. 2) How the HELL can I misinterpret something like that !

 

We then walk to a pub where she was going to meet up with some friends,all the while furtively texting on her phone as I try and lay my cards on the table again regarding working on our marriage. This was met with some considerable silence.

 

My emotional brain and my rational brain fight for supremacy. I start dropping hints that she might be hiding something from me. Clues I'd uncovered. She says she doesn't know what I'm talking about. Denial about everything and misdirection.

 

We get to the pub and both walk in we say hello to a few people and I turn around and ask her what she'd like to drink and she's bolted. Ten minutes later I see her on the other side of the road walking hurriedly away. I catch up with her and after her not responding to me and changing direction many times. We end up in the pub again. She spends her time looking uncomfortable and checking her phone every couple of minutes whilst talking to her friends.

 

Stupidly I went to look at her phone again and get caught doing so. She says 'I should be angry but i've got nothing to hide.' I apologise but know what I saw anyway.

 

Is she denying she's been cheating because in her head now that she walked away she can do what she likes rather than making the marriage work. Or has she got nothing to hide and I'm just a basket case.

[tears_in_rain]

Now I'm not so sure that my wife has cheated on me. All my so called evidence could be circumstantial. She really wasn't the sort to do something like that. Whether when she walked she gave herself a greenlight to do anything is something I cannot guess at.

 

I sent her message apologising for looking at her phone last night and said I understood it was an invasion of her trust, honesty and privacy. I claimed it was done to irrational behaviour and frustration as I am a husband who misses his wife and friend. Ended the message with I love you.

 

She replied saying 'I left feeling very sad'

 

I said sorry for making you feel like that and doubting your honour.

Reiterated my frustrations that she believed that I would neglect her, hurt her or go back to old ways if she believed in us and took a chance. That I made changes for us in order to start a family. Told her I love you and I believe you love me and together we can make this work. Even though you put up with alot I am the man you needed me to be. Why throw what you wanted away. There's a whole life of live and family we could have together starting from now.

 

She has been tearfully telling her brother that she still loves me and that I'm a good man, attractive etc . This is encouraging that she still feels for me.

How can I build on this and win her around. I have stated my love and intentions but the wall of protection she has erected around her needs to be broken through somehow.

[tears_in_rain]

If her real barrier to coming back to me is the fear that things will return to the way the were and no progress would be made & that giving the marriage another chance will somehow lead to another problem down the line, how can assurances be made. How can any kind of guarantee be provided. Surely it can only be taken in trust. A risk like everything in life. If she does indeed still have strong feelings for me left inside her, like love, then isn't that worth the risk.

 

If she is now hurting in self-imposed exile is it because she feels embarrassed, rueful, aware of the immaturity of her leaving without any form of discussion or warning. Can she be coaxed into thinking that it would be okay to admit to a few wrongs about abandoning me, that it would be okay to come back home to our marriage because I have learnt from my mistakes and she could also learn from hers without recrimination.

 

I have learnt to empathize with how she views things. Maybe through better communication she could empathize with me too. I know she was trying to get me to see the issues that made it hard to live with me for a while and I was blind to her strength of feeling. But she in turn must realise that if she wants to go to the next level her maturity must also level up. No more games if we're in this for the long haul like we always wanted then both of us need to talk and not mind read or bottle up emotions etc.

[tears_in_rain]

Bad day today.

 

Felt physical waves of despair today at work. Like an evil dolphin aiming sonar at my heart. My mind is torn between finding a way to get through to my wife to get her to see that she has the future with me as we both wanted & the gut feeling that she is being dishonest and hiding the truth about her departure to displace her feelings of guilt and deception.