My boyfriend's confused about our relationship

[rockerbarbie19]

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Someone please help me!!!!

 

My boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (I don't know) have been together since last March. We are going through a REALLY hard time right now, and I really want to work things out because I've realized that what our problems have been are really more my fault than his. You see, I recently accepted myself as being a codependent. My boyfriend is VERY independent and so we had a lot of problems because of that. Now that I've realized this, I want to try to fix our relationship. Kinda start again, with the new me. Make this a healthy relationship.

 

But he doesn't know.

 

Or at least that's what he keeps saying. He doesn't know if he wants to work it out or not. Which I completly understand. I know that he has major doubts about whether or not it will work because everyime in the past this has happened, we've decided to work it out and it never changed. Now I'm telling him it will change because I've changed, but he's still unsure. I'm so confused. I want to figure out a way to show him that I'm serious, that I really have changed and am changing, but he won't give me a chance. And I know that if I can't show him that I've changed, he's not going to want to get back together with me and work on this. HELP!!!

[BlueRaincoat]

You guys really need some time apart. I suggest trying the no contact thing for a while (I'm doing the same thing, and it's very hard to do.). That way you will be able to show him that you aren't needy anymore.

[rockerbarbie19]

I don't think that the problem is that he thinks that I am needy (although, I know he does and I know I have been). I think that the problem is that he isn't giving me a chance to show him anything. I really love him and I know that he loves me, but he thinks that he doesn't want a relationship right now. I know that he's only saying that because he doesn't really know and he doesn't want to string me along. How can I show him/convince him that we are perfect for eachother? That this time will be different? I really want to be with him, but he just doesn't know. How can I help him make up his mind?

 

I am so confused. I love him so much, but this "I don't know," stuff is really starting to bother me. I know that if he tells me "I don't want to be with you," and then we walk away from each other, he'll be back in no time. But I don't want to play anymore games!

 

Someone please help!!! The "no contact" policy really won't work in this case. There really isn't a way to avoid each other and besides, he still calls me. I just don't know what's going on anymore. I wish someone would just tap me on the shoulder and say "Here's what's going to happen. Here's what he's thinking. Just relax. It will all come together by _____." That way I KNOW. I'm not just sitting around, thinking about all this stuff. I could just let go and move on and deal with it when it's supposed to happen. ARG!!!!

[dlb311]

First you can't make anyone want your or make up their mind. They will do it on their own in their own time.

 

Some one who is wishy washy isn't worth it. I am telling you from experience. If he isn't sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with you..then you both don't need to waist anymore time together. If he keeps saying he isn't sure he isn't sure. Then time apart is good. I know you said that is impossible..but he isn't going to realize what he has until its gone... that is just how most men work and some women also. YOu have to be strong and I agree that you need to show him your are not needy. Don't call him anymore. If he calls you talk but not for long. Get off the phone like you have other things to do. I know playing games suck...Then you know what nexty time you talk to him or see him. Tell him you need to talk. Tell him this is what I want. Me and you together. I know that I have been codependant and I am going to change because I don't like feeling that way. I have been doing good so far. I want you in my life I love you more then anyone else. But you are confused. And this is hurting me because I am not confused. IF you figure out I am the one for you...please let me know..but until then I have to work on myself and keep living my life and keeping in touch is hurting me. because you seem to not really be interested.

 

Then he knows that you want him...and he needs to figure it out. And if he youlet him and he comes back its meant to be otherwise you will find someone better. I know that is hard to imagine but if he can't be there for you and understand and want to help you with this...its not worth it. Relationship are made for people to be there for each other.

 

Good Luck

[rockerbarbie19]

I've tried the whole time apart thing. It never seems to work! He calls and I talk to him for a while and then get off the phone. Or I see him around and we say our hello's and whatnot, and then I pretty much ignore him or go home. But then he calls. And we start hanging out again and things look like they are looking up a little. Then he gets all confused again. I don't know why. I'm not pushing him anymore and I think that he is still expecting it and it's ruining us. Everytime things look like they're getting better, he pulls away. I don't even do anything. It's like, one day everythings fine and dandy, we sleep together, we hang out, we go see a movie, and it's like we're a couple in love again and then the next day he's all "I don't know" man. It never used to scare him like this... commitment, love, none of it. He was the one who had to convince me to stay in the relationship when I thought things were getting to deep and all that at the beginning. Now all of the sudden he's acting like a commitment phobic guy. What's up with that?

 

And when I said that I wanted to know what to do to help him make up his mind, I didn't mean that I wanted to force him to want to be with me or force him to make up his mind, I just meant that I wished I knew what to do to make it happen faster so that I'm not just sitting on my a** waiting for him to make up his mind. Like if there was something that I could do to make it easier to make a decision. I thought that it would be the no contact thing, but he calls and just confuses me because he tells me he doesn't really want to be around me while he's trying to figure this out, and then he calls to see if I want to watch the hockey game with him until he has to go to work. Or if I want to go catch a movie or have dinner or ... ya know ... which is fine by me, but like I said, the next day he freaks out. Someone tell me what the freak is going on!!!!

[dlb311]

OK! I have to tell you I went through the same exact thing. But I pulled out.

First let me tell you..that your needy new or codependancy isn't because you are just a needy person. I am the strongest person I know even my friends would agree with me. But when I ex was pulling away and things were changing I felt like I am losing him and I held on tighter It made him run faster and harder. But that was my reaction. I just followed my heart. So you are not having issues with neediness you are insecure because he isn't making you feel secure.. Women especially need to be reminded how much they are needed and need to be shown how much they are needed also. Its not you I promise.

Second...my ex was for two years I want to marry you we decided we wanted to get married outside. We would talk about how would be our best man and maid of honor. We talked about parents and stuff cause I come from a broken home things could get sticky if I didn't plan it well. Anyway we talked about kids and their names. Where we would want to buy a house and raise our kids. Then after two years we planned on moving in together two weeks before he broke up with me.. All of a sudden he was commitment phobic. I had thought I got one of the good ones. But I did...but he turned out to have the phobic...! See talking and planning something is one thing but when they have to do it when reality sets in...that is when the commitment phobic comes out in them. They can dream a pretty picture and it looks good from far away. I am not sure if you were getting close to the plans or not but maybe he felt like it was or he really thought about it.

He is calling and asking you to do things...don't go..Say no..tell him I want to but I don't feel right because tomorrow you will tell me you feel weird about me. Don't be scared of losing him. To me it sounds like you already have. He isn't there. He has one foot in the door and one out so if things get weird he can run. That isn't fair to you you deserve better. YOu love him you give him all you have...he should do the same. If he leaves because you spoke your mind and your true feelings then you don't need him . You need a relationship were you don't feel afraid to express yourself even if he doesn't agree.. do you understand what I am saying? I know its hard. I have been there.But you will be miserable if you don't

 

Don't sleep with him anymore..if he asks or heads that way say I can't sleep with you unless we are together and commited to each other because I can't take the chance that you are sleeping with someone else. Umm there are std's out there.

 

If he calls don't answer... you are letting him have his way ...You are letting him have his cake and eat it too. He can have you and he can push you away when he is done.

He is emotional immature...he feels strongly about something but when it comes to reality or the actual scene of something happening he can't handle it. He runs...it scares him. Tell him to face his fears...you are.

 

DOn't let him walk all over you. you seem in denial of allot of things that are going on. You need to get strong. and tell him if he doesn't want a relationship with you then you have to move on.

And if he lets you go then go...he isn't worth it and he doesn't realize how much you are worth..you need someone who will not run when he gets scared. If he comes back then you know he loves you but make sure he comes back for good not for one day or night or a week..but for good!

 

I hope this helps..there is nothing you can do but help yourself now.

[Greeneyedgirl]

Well hunnie, I think the best thing for you gys to do at the moment is to spend some time apart. Although this may be hard but you need to know if you can live your life without him. Yes he may be very independent so you have the chance of him moving on faster than you. But you need to know if he needs you.