Feeling guilty, alone, and Confused - PLEASE HELP!

[sarayanna]

Hi - I am new to this forum so bear with me. I feel so ashamed and cannot talk to anyone about this for obvious reasons.

 

I have been married for five years to a man I love but is devoid of any emotional intimacy. He simply doesn't communicate with me or he says mean things to me he thinks are funny. He seems angry all of the time and I never know if it is something I did or if he's simply in a bad mood. We rarely engage in intellectual conversation and every effort I have made to try to communicate usually turns into an argument. On the other hand, he works harder than anyone I know, we have two wonderful children, he is an excellent father and we have a beautiful home.

 

Getting involved with the other man happened quite by accident. He is someone that comes from our close circle of friends and is going through a divorce. He and I have always been comfortable talking to eachother and I considered him a dear friend and hated to see him so devastated about the divorce. I would tell him repeatedly how he's a great looking guy and has great kids and time will heal his wounds. Truthfully, I saw him for what a nice guy he is - he adored his wife and children and his wife actually told me he was "too nice".... and then there's my husband who is just downright mean sometimes (mentally, not physically). So, not to sound cliche, but one night after a get-together with friends, my husband had gone to bed and he and I were cleaning up and we just looked at eachother and it hit us both like a bolt of lightning out of nowhere.

 

Nothing physical happened but we both were struggling with guilty feelings though and went back and forth about how no good could come from this and we both wanted to do the "right" thing. Then it hit me; my husband had never cared previously about close relationships I had with other people (men too). I had tried and tried to create an emotional bond with my husband to no avail and, although an emotional affair is wrong in most relationships and would be hurtful to me if it was the other way around, I honestly didn't think that my talking to this other man on a daily basis would be hurtful, as long as nothing physical happened. I proposed this to the OM and he thought about it and realized I was right; my husband wouldn't care. He had seen my husband leave me at parties and ignore me on more than one occasion.

 

Things seemed to be fine until the OM had a get-together at his house and we were outside talking and he said he was falling in love with me. He said he had visions of us being together and at that point he didn't care what the consequences were. I told him I cannot do that at this point and didn't want to ruin our friendship and just wanted to take things slow and remain close friends while I sort out the issues of my marriage. I asked that we meet the next day so I could talk freely and we could try to sort things out. He agreed and I met him and we talked for hours about the situation and how we don't want to hurt anyone and we want to remain friends and see where things go. When I got up to leave he begged me to come back to his place with him but I told him he knew I couldn't do that and neither one of us were prepared for the consequences of that in the morning. We have both been cheated on before and vowed we would never do that to someone else.

 

This went on a while longer; we would speak endlessly on the phone of our thoughts and dreams. He said on more than one occasion he was in love with me. I never said it back. Then finally I met him for drinks and we were talking and one thing led to another and we had sex. It was a little awkward, actually. It was during the act that he was hit with some sort of realization that what we were doing was very wrong. He pulled out and said how sorry he was he had drug me into this and coaxed me into doing something that was so wrong. He said we should never pursue eachother again and I needed to be with my husband and he is sorry he jeopardized my family.

 

We have not spoken since then. I feel so torn inside. I feel guilty and ashamed and yet I miss him so much it hurts. I am angry also - angry that he trashed our friendship for some cheap thrill and I now have trouble looking at myself in the mirror. I understand that emotionally, sex is different for guys and girls, but, at the risk of sounding completely naive, was I just a conquest for him? How do you fall in love with someone one day, have sex with them the next and never speak to them again? I am so confused and sick about this.

[uriel]

You've posted this before, and most folks told you to let this other man get on with his life without you. You are married. He will soon not be. There's no future for the two of you until you're free. Even then, it's possible you two were just meeting one another's needs in a tough situation. Only time would tell whether this was really a match of more than convenience.

 

Yes, he had feelings for you, some of which were sexual. It's not that he used you and walked away. It's that the sex was the big taboo -- an actually breaking of the marriage vows. For many people, men especially, the emotional affair doesn't have the same wake up and smell the coffee impact. It's the sex that made him realize how far you two had let this thing go. He told you why he broke things off. Makes sense to me. I think you can literally believe it: He doesn't want to be responsible for hurting your husband and children (i.e., your family). He doesn't want a new ready-made family either (you leaving with the kids to move in with him). So, he's backed out. Who can blame him? Think about it!

 

Since your marriage is so bad, you need to either get couples therapy or move for divorce. Your husband sounds like he has a personality disorder -- possible antisocial personality disorder. Do some reading on this. The "cure" rate for such a disorder isn't high. These characteristics are deeply embedded.

 

Meanwhile. consider the children involved here. They are impacted by these emotional currents in the lives of the adults around them. You might think you are compensating for their father's coldness or protecting them from your going elsewhere for the love that should be the foundation of their family life. You're not. They can tell, even if they can't express it or name it. It's forming who they are at very deep levels, and it's going to affect their own future relationships and happiness profoundly.

 

You've described your marriage as a shell. That's not okay -- not for you, and not for them. It's this that you need to address, not the loss of the other man. He was only the plug in the flooding dyke -- not the flood itself. Get individual therapy and get it now! Move toward couples therapy if, in your own process, you decide you want this marriage to be saved.

 

-- uriel

[Tootrustingguy]

Hello, I just wanted to say something about your post. I will be as honest as I can, but I really don't know exactly what the situation is. Also when it's matters that involve the heart black and white is so difficult to see.

 

We all reap what we sow. Both you and the OM made the choices you made to get you where you are today. You can not plant orange trees and hope and hope apple trees will grow. No matter how many times you do that, you will never get apple trees.

 

Your situation is bad news from the get go. But if I read it correctly you were drugged? If that is the case then this OM is definitely guilty of taking one of your choices away from you. For that he can not ever be trusted. I'm not sure what he was pursuing...love doesn't sound right though.

 

In either case, a mistake is a mistake. Everyone makes them ranging from minor to major. Your guilt is healthy! You have a good heart that knows right and wrong.

 

Feeling alone...I am sorry that is the case. I read you have tried to work things out with your husband. Have you considered counciling at all? If you can get communication flowing between the both of you of course that will help wonders.

 

I don't doubt you are confused. You were led astray by a what seems to be a fantasy, then reality showed up very quickly. The mind and heart do not always see things the same way. Seems like you "know" you should do this while the heart "feels" you should do this. I think you know what you have to do...seek help for your marriage and if it's worth saving, do so.

 

I wish you luck...you sound like a good woman with a desire to do the right thing. That alone makes you a better person than you give yourself credit for.

[sarayanna]

I did post this before. It was before anything physical happened, though, and I wish I had listened to the advice I was given at the time. I am just having a hard time sorting out my feelings. The guilt is almost unbearable and I miss my friend. I have sought counseling - individual first and marital eventually. My husband knows I am unhappy.

 

I was not drugged - it was consensual. I was not the one pressing the issue, though, and he kept going until my resolve was gone.

 

You are right - I know what I am supposed to do and I am going through the motions of doing the 'right thing'. I am not calling him, I am going to counseling, I am writing and trying to focus on my goals for the future. My mind can accept that but my heart can't. I feel empty inside - I want to call, I want to know how he feels and if he still cares. I also want him to be happy and I cannot offer him what he deserves.

 

Anyway, thank you for listening and offering great advice.

[uriel]

Believe me, I understand the heart not accepting what the mind says is right. It will eventually. It's just that you have to bring your life choices into alignment with what's best for you and your kids.

 

What I'm saying is, you can't, and you shouldn't, force your heart to accept something that's genuinely bad for you. Now, maybe your heart is telling you that what's best is this other man. But, deeper down, what it's really telling you more generally is that you lack intimacy and are heartsore for a responsive companion -- someone with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings and who will share his, too.

 

Believe that this isn't the other man isn't the only one who can fulfill that need. Use therapy to help you decide whether your husband can. It's not good for you to deny this need for the rest of your life -- you've already done that for too long.

 

In the meantime, how do you get those needs met? You need to find some other people to whom you can reach out. This site helps, but we're not flesh and blood. We don't know you, can't hug you, can't give that good give and take friends do. Is there anyone you can trust with this? I know it's explosive...

 

Also, work on improving your own life. Get a makeover. Make a list of things you've wanted to do, and start doing them. Go on vacation by yourself. Break your usual patterns and start taking better care from the ground up.

 

-- uriel

[sarayanna]

Originally posted by uriel

 

In the meantime, how do you get those needs met? You need to find some other people to whom you can reach out. This site helps, but we're not flesh and blood. We don't know you, can't hug you, can't give that good give and take friends do. Is there anyone you can trust with this? I know it's explosive...

 

No, I can't imagine telling anyone about this. I am having trouble dealing with the guilt; I don't think I could bear having a friend lose all respect for me because of it.

 

Originally posted by uriel

 

Also, work on improving your own life. Get a makeover. Make a list of things you've wanted to do, and start doing them. Go on vacation by yourself. Break your usual patterns and start taking better care from the ground up.

Again, excellent advice. I will do this - thanks, Uriel!

[uriel]

Please reconsider reaching out to someone there. I've been through something similar (emotional affair for me that didn't go physical -- but the guilt was awful).

 

It's tough to open up about something like this, but until you do you won't have a replacement for the intimacy you've lost in him. If the person to whom you open up genuinely loves you -- and has known you long enough to know how uncharacteristic this is -- then you can bet they'll still care and won't lose respect.

 

Keep the physical affair secret if you need to -- confess to the emotional. You need support right now from someone in your life.

 

Take care -- uriel

[sarayanna]

You know, the more I think about it and the more I re-read the posts here, I am realizing that, although my feellings for the OM are very strong and feel very real, it probably could have been just about anybody who gave me what my heart has been craving for so long. He, along with the other uncharacteristically self-destructive things (ie. smoking, drinking, etc.) I have been doing, are symptoms of the true underlying problem; my unhappy marriage.

 

The thing is, I have stopped calling the OM, I quit smoking four days ago, and am seeking counseling, so I am going through the motions but it still doesn't feel right. I realize now I married for the wrong reasons. He (husband) is not a horrible person - he is just emotionally unavailable and a bit immature. I get tired of the constant criticism and never feeling good enough. I think, through counseling, he could change his ways, but I realize now I do not love him.

 

Can feelings for someone be manifested five years into a marriage? Am I just kidding myself?

[uriel]

I had the same feelings -- married for the wrong reasons, wasn't in love with my husband. Once I emotionally reconnected with him (he opened up more, I learned to do that too), I found I did love him. I have that intimacy with him now. It's not possible for every couple, but therapy worked for us. I did individual, but he worked right along with me. We had some very eye-opening conversations.

 

If our relationship hadn't taken that turn, I was ready to end it, even though we had a small child by then. Our son kept me working at it -- I'll admit that. Now I'm glad I did. But, I think you have to keep testing whether the relationship really does improve. You deserve to be happy. If your husband wants to be happy WITH you, he'll need to do his part, too.

 

I'm glad you are making such progress already. That's a great sign. It won't feel good for awhile more yet. Things have gone very far away from what you need and want. But if you stay on this course, you'll wake up a year from now, maybe two, and thank yourself for showing this courage.

 

Yes, you made a mistake -- but that's what it was, a mistake. Think about it as the rock bottom that served as your wake-up call about how bad things had become. Forgive yourself and keep moving forward toward permanent, rather than temporary, fixes.

 

One thing that helped me through this process, btw, was that I opened up to two longtime friends who I was certain would never have had a similar feeling -- moral, stable, married women of my age. Guess what? One was embarking on an affair (resisting it, but she eventually took the plunge). The other had considered it. This told me a lot about this stage of a woman's life -- and I thought I was so alone. Both of them committed to working on their marriages (one by revealing all to her husband, the other by keeping quiet but doing some good life work) and are still in them.

 

-- uriel