Ever fell in love with your best friend?

[KathyM]

Why did she want to know when I was going to visit her? Either she wants to make sure I come at a time when she's not too busy or because she secretly wants to avoid me & needs time creating excuses to why she can't hang out when I'm in town.

Don't read anything into this that is not there. It's normal to want to know when someone is planning to visit--so she makes sure she is available and free to spend time with you. Don't read anything into it other than that.

[dev781]

You should stop over analyzing everything. Love is the act of 2 persons mating. Let it be natural, don't think too much, don't expect too much. If the relationship is one sided it is not love. Why would you want a relationship with someone who wouldn't want you anyways?

 

And don't be needy or desperate. Attractions killers.

 

Stop telling her or trying to confess your love to her. Show her in a confident way. She already knows you got something for her, it won't trigger emotions now. You gotta take concrete actions.

[KathyM]

You should stop over analyzing everything. Love is the act of 2 persons mating. Let it be natural, don't think too much, don't expect too much. If the relationship is one sided it is not love. Why would you want a relationship with someone who wouldn't want you anyways?

 

And don't be needy or desperate. Attractions killers.

 

Stop telling her or trying to confess your love to her. Show her in a confident way. She already knows you got something for her, it won't trigger emotions now. You gotta take concrete actions.

I have to say I don't agree with this. You've been friends for 19 months. Game time is over. Time to lay it on the line, and express your intentions when you go out there. Going to see her IS taking action. Expressing your desire to take it to the next level IS taking action. The OP doesn't have the luxury of time to build a relationship the normal way, like you would if you lived near her. The friendship has been built long distance. Now it's time to make a play, in person, to see if she's willing to pursue a relationship.

[JoeyArnold]

If it's God's will, you will end up with her.

I'm praying for patience, focus: mostly that I become the perfect husband for the right wife someday: I have to remember that I don't know God's will: I want her to be the one: I want that really badly but I can't assume that I'm God: I have to follow God's path & not make up my own or stock somebody else's path.

 

I suggest you plan the trip for a week's time, lay it out for her (your feelings) like I suggested in this thread after the first date.

I might. But do know that I have basically laid out my feelings towards her on the phone & in a four paged love letter. But I will tell her again when the time is right in person.

 

 

It may be God's plan that you do missionary work first as a single person without the distraction.

Some days ago I started specifically praying out loud that God keeps me single for the rest of my life, if that is what He wants. I just want to follow God's path instead of trying to make my own. I especially don't want to just run around chasing girls.

 

Since around 2004 I started developing this philosophy that states that soul-mates will align with your path in life: the two will be running down the same road & one will simply ask if they could hold hands: in other words, I want to focus on the path that God has for me.

 

I'm praying God puts the right person on my same path & that it will align & that we can eventually choose to hold hands since we're running down the same course.

[KathyM]

I'm praying for patience, focus: mostly that I become the perfect husband for the right wife someday: I have to remember that I don't know God's will: I want her to be the one: I want that really badly but I can't assume that I'm God: I have to follow God's path & not make up my own or stock somebody else's path.

 

I might. But do know that I have basically laid out my feelings towards her on the phone & in a four paged love letter. But I will tell her again when the time is right in person.

 

 

 

Some days ago I started specifically praying out loud that God keeps me single for the rest of my life, if that is what He wants. I just want to follow God's path instead of trying to make my own. I especially don't want to just run around chasing girls.

 

Since around 2004 I started developing this philosophy that states that soul-mates will align with your path in life: the two will be running down the same road & one will simply ask if they could hold hands: in other words, I want to focus on the path that God has for me.

 

I'm praying God puts the right person on my same path & that it will align & that we can eventually choose to hold hands since we're running down the same course.

I'm sorry that I'm multi-tasking here and not able to respond to everything. (In the middle of making lunch). I'll try to get back to you a little later.

[dev781]

I have to say I don't agree with this. You've been friends for 19 months. Game time is over. Time to lay it on the line, and express your intentions when you go out there. Going to see her IS taking action. Expressing your desire to take it to the next level IS taking action. The OP doesn't have the luxury of time to build a relationship the normal way, like you would if you lived near her. The friendship has been built long distance. Now it's time to make a play, in person, to see if she's willing to pursue a relationship.

 

 

So according to you, he can turn things around just by confessing his love? So they're friends for 19 months. Long distance. He confesses his desires and his love. And she's gonna accept to have a relationship?

Love is a natural thing. You need chemistry, complicity, compatibility, timing. These are not things that words can create.

 

Expressing your desire to take it to the next level is not taking actions. Taking it to the next level is taking action.

Going to see her... what is the difference between going to see a friend?

Making a play, in person! That's what I mean!!! Words won't change a thing.

 

Anyways I am just talking by experience. I was best friends with my ex for 2 years. It took us 7 years before we start dating! So no the time to play is not over. Sometimes when you really want something, you just gotta know how to be patient.

Edited March 31, 2012 by dev781

[JoeyArnold]

You need chemistry, complicity, compatibility, timing.Taking it to the next level is taking action.

I believe both of you two are half right. First I tell her that I like her over the phone by telling her a story: I told her that I fell in love with my best friend & that I kept it a secret from her.

 

I even said that I was going to ask her for advice about what I should do since I started liking a friend of mine. She then starts giving me advice. She tells me that honesty is a very important thing. This was right before I tell her that she was that girl that I started liking. So I was able to later use her advice & tell her I wanted to be honest.

 

I said these exact words, "The girl I started liking, her name is You" & she was shocked & said she needed time to think about it. Then I write her a four page love letter with a pen & color markers & sent that in the snail mail. When she got that she started reading it to me on the phone but then said she might start getting embarrassed after the first paragraph: so I let her read it by herself. I will go see her & I will play it by ear.

Edited March 31, 2012 by JoeyArnold

[dev781]

I believe both of you two are half right. First I tell her that I like her over the phone by telling her a story: I told her that I fell in love with my best friend & that I kept it a secret from her.

 

I even said that I was going to ask her for advice about what I should do since I started liking a friend of mine. She then starts giving me advice. She tells me that honesty is a very important thing. This was right before I tell her that she was that girl that I started liking. So I was able to later use her advice & tell her I wanted to be honest.

 

I said these exact words, "The girl I started liking, her name is You" & she was shocked & said she needed time to think about it. Then I write her a four page love letter with a pen & color markers & sent that in the snail mail. When she got that she started reading it to me on the phone but then said she might start getting embarrassed after the first paragraph: so I let her read it by herself. I will go see her & I will play it by ear.

 

 

So she knows already what you're feeling for her. You don't need to repeat it to her when you see her. It is already ackward for her at this point. And like you said she's good at reading people. My advice: keep things cool, fun, casual, natural! HAVE FUN! Girls just wanna have fun right? You will only come as attractive if you can create positive emotions so keep things light and fun.

[FredRutherford]

I believe both of you two are half right. First I tell her that I like her over the phone by telling her a story: I told her that I fell in love with my best friend & that I kept it a secret from her.

 

I even said that I was going to ask her for advice about what I should do since I started liking a friend of mine. She then starts giving me advice. She tells me that honesty is a very important thing. This was right before I tell her that she was that girl that I started liking. So I was able to later use her advice & tell her I wanted to be honest.

 

I said these exact words, "The girl I started liking, her name is You" & she was shocked & said she needed time to think about it. Then I write her a four page love letter with a pen & color markers & sent that in the snail mail. When she got that she started reading it to me on the phone but then said she might start getting embarrassed after the first paragraph: so I let her read it by herself. I will go see her & I will play it by ear.

 

God, that's sweet.

How many guys today would hand-write a letter like that with email and PMs so available?

[FredRutherford]

Why did she want to know when I was going to visit her? Either she wants to make sure I come at a time when she's not too busy or because she secretly wants to avoid me & needs time creating excuses to why she can't hang out when I'm in town.

 

Joey,

Don't go getin' paranoid. She's not wanting time to come up with some excuses.

You two are friends. You don't need to think the worst here.

 

Look, she may be inexperienced at dating, too, and may not know what to do. This sudden interest from you, her "safe" friend, it may rattle her.

But that's what happens in relationships.

 

That's why I suggested taking it easy and not pressing her for a relationship during your first meeting.

 

I will always care for her as her brother in Christ.

 

 

That's a great attitude.

[JoeyArnold]

Keep things cool, fun, casual, natural! HAVE FUN! Girls just wanna have fun right? You will only come as attractive if you can create positive emotions so keep things light and fun.

 

I was going to work at the same camp as her last year & she told me several times she really wanted me there. She was hoping they would hire me at the camp she was going to work at. But they didn't hire me & afterwards I told her I missed talking to her & she said she missed talking to me. She was too busy being a camp counselor to talk to me. She actually worked at the same camp I did just the year before.

[KathyM]

I'm praying for patience, focus: mostly that I become the perfect husband for the right wife someday: I have to remember that I don't know God's will: I want her to be the one: I want that really badly but I can't assume that I'm God: I have to follow God's path & not make up my own or stock somebody else's path.

 

I might. But do know that I have basically laid out my feelings towards her on the phone & in a four paged love letter. But I will tell her again when the time is right in person.

 

 

 

Some days ago I started specifically praying out loud that God keeps me single for the rest of my life, if that is what He wants. I just want to follow God's path instead of trying to make my own. I especially don't want to just run around chasing girls.

 

Since around 2004 I started developing this philosophy that states that soul-mates will align with your path in life: the two will be running down the same road & one will simply ask if they could hold hands: in other words, I want to focus on the path that God has for me.

 

I'm praying God puts the right person on my same path & that it will align & that we can eventually choose to hold hands since we're running down the same course.

That's good, but I think you also have to take a proactive approach yourself. Put yourself out there and be open to new relationships if this girl just wants to keep things on a friendship level. Make the play for this girl, in person, after the first date. If she wants to keep it on a friendship level, then accept that and do your world travel like you talked about, and be open to seeking out new relationships. And when you do meet someone who interests you, then make a play for her right away. Ask her out and romance her. Don't get stuck in friendzone. Eventually, if the relationship doesn't progress, people often lose interest and move on to someone else.

[JoeyArnold]

When you do meet someone who interests you, then make a play for her right away.

I don't fall in love with girls easily. It always takes me months & months. I am so slow at it. B the time I figure things out the girl could be half way to China by then. I guess I need to pray God helps me become faster. I have high standards & I don't see a lot of girls as potential mates. You have to be very unique & special to make my list.

[FredRutherford]

Kathy gave you great advice.

That's good, but I think you also have to take a proactive approach yourself.

 

Put yourself out there and be open to new relationships if this girl just wants to keep things on a friendship level. Make the play for this girl, in person, after the first date.

 

If she wants to keep it on a friendship level, then accept that and do your world travel like you talked about, and be open to seeking out new relationships.

 

And when you do meet someone who interests you, then make a play for her right away. Ask her out and romance her. Don't get stuck in friendzone.

Eventually, if the relationship doesn't progress, people often lose interest and move on to someone else.

What I haven't told you:

you need to be prepared for the inevitable: the heartbreak.

 

Don't wanna shatter your illusions of love, but if you haven't dated much, you may not be ready for the disappointment that naturally follows.

 

One partner in the dating always feels a little closer or has stronger feelings than the other.

You gotta understand women are difficult to handle, even Christian women.

Doesn't matter, she's still a woman and women, well, they're just..... tricky and difficult to read.....

 

Asked many women out in college and a couple of years after, only to get told no. One I asked out 4X before I finally gave up.

Looking at her facebook page, she's morbidly obese now and "likes" pages relating to depression, etc., so it's likely she had some issues she was dealing with even then. Her rejection of me likely had nothing personally to do with me, though I didn't feel that way at the time.

 

Keep a stiff upper lip, remain determined.

During your visit, if it doesn't seem to be working and she may not be as "into you" like you hoped, don't let it get to you. Think to yourself there will be other women and if this one isn't the one, there'll be another....

 

What Kathy said on this is good too.

[FredRutherford]

I don't fall in love with girls easily. It always takes me months & months. I am so slow at it. B the time I figure things out the girl could be half way to China by then. I guess I need to pray God helps me become faster.

 

I have high standards & I don't see a lot of girls as potential mates. You have to be very unique & special to make my list.

 

What are your dealbreakers?

 

What does a woman have to be to get your interest, Joey?

[JoeyArnold]

You need to be prepared for the inevitable: the heartbreak.

I don't just like her: I believe in the ministries that God has for her to do in her life.

[KathyM]

So according to you, he can turn things around just by confessing his love? So they're friends for 19 months. Long distance. He confesses his desires and his love. And she's gonna accept to have a relationship?

Love is a natural thing. You need chemistry, complicity, compatibility, timing. These are not things that words can create.

 

Expressing your desire to take it to the next level is not taking actions. Taking it to the next level is taking action.

Going to see her... what is the difference between going to see a friend?

Making a play, in person! That's what I mean!!! Words won't change a thing.

 

Anyways I am just talking by experience. I was best friends with my ex for 2 years. It took us 7 years before we start dating! So no the time to play is not over. Sometimes when you really want something, you just gotta know how to be patient.

Wow, 7 years of waiting around for this guy before you even started dating him, and now he's an ex? That's way to long to wait for a relationship to develop. And in the case of the OP, the point of going to see her now is to determine if there is enough chemistry to take the friendship to the next level. It may work out or it may not, but I think he should make a play in person. Like I said, he doesn't have the luxury of time to build a relationship in person the normal way. A weekend or a week is not going to cut it. That's why he needs to make the play in person and get an indication of her interest in pursuing something more. Trying to build a relationship in a weekend, and then putting it back to long distance is not a good plan, IMO. People need lots of face to face contact to build a relationship and maintain a relationship, but he needs some kind of indication from her if she's willing to consider it before he moves there.

[JoeyArnold]

What are your dealbreakers? What does a woman have to be to get your interest, Joey?

Proverbs 31. Listens, cares, reaches out to people, has an open mind, knows how to laugh, how to have joy over circumstances, the fruit of the spirit, 1 Corinthian 13, a cute voice, passionate, caring, daring, adventurous, open-minded, willing to try new things, travel the world, committed to becoming full-time missionaries wherever & whenever the Lord leads. She has to have inner beauty that surpasses her outer appearances. She has to have integrity, character, a good reputation, patient, humble, cute, funny, exciting, on fire for God, for sharing the gospel, to teaching others, to helping others, in being funny, weird, crazy. She has to like Oatmeal as much as I do. She has to first be in love with God, then others. She has to believe in herself & she has to be crazy about me as I am about her. We have to be ministry partners for life. We have to have kids & adopt kids & travel the world & make movies & music & start churches & ministries & invent things & have adventures & learn things & everything for all the days of our lives.

 

I've wanted to marry since I was eight years old. So I've been seriously contemplating marriage for the last 19 years for real.

[Negative Nancy]

i had a crush on my best friend in 7th grade (that's how long i've known him), but he didn't seem interested then. a couple years later when we already had been really good friends he was interested in me, but to me he had become just a friend by then. it's how i work, i know pretty quick if i'm interested in somebody and if that interest isn't mutual they go into friend zone after a while, it's just self-protection in order to avoid any more pain of unrequited love.

 

sadly, we're not best friends anymore, apparently blood is thicker than water cos when his sister talked sh*t about me, he chose to believe her without even giving me a chance to explain myself...

[KathyM]

I don't fall in love with girls easily. It always takes me months & months. I am so slow at it. B the time I figure things out the girl could be half way to China by then. I guess I need to pray God helps me become faster. I have high standards & I don't see a lot of girls as potential mates. You have to be very unique & special to make my list.

That's good that you are very selective, and I certainly think you need to be careful in whom you ask out, and seek people who are like-minded, but when you see a person who would or might fit that profile you are looking for, don't beat around the bush and stall. Ask her out and get to know her better. You don't have to be in love with them first or have a strong friendship first before you ask them on a date. Dating is a getting to know you time. It's a selection process. I know some Christians believe that you have to know a person well in a group setting before even asking them out on a date, but I'm of the mindset that, if a person appears to fit what you are looking for, then dating them is how you get to know them and that is when you might develop feelings for them. Otherwise, you are limiting yourself too much if you insist on getting to know them well before even asking them on a date.

[dev781]

Wow, 7 years of waiting around for this guy before you even started dating him, and now he's an ex? That's way to long to wait for a relationship to develop. And in the case of the OP, the point of going to see her now is to determine if there is enough chemistry to take the friendship to the next level. It may work out or it may not, but I think he should make a play in person. Like I said, he doesn't have the luxury of time to build a relationship in person the normal way. A weekend or a week is not going to cut it. That's why he needs to make the play in person and get an indication of her interest in pursuing something more. Trying to build a relationship in a weekend, and then putting it back to long distance is not a good plan, IMO. People need lots of face to face contact to build a relationship and maintain a relationship, but he needs some kind of indication from her if she's willing to consider it before he moves there.

 

It's actually a *her* and she is my ex yeah. I haven't been waiting for the whole 7 years. I dated 2 others girls and she dated 2 other guys. That's what I meant by, if you don't want to be friend zoned, just get out of it. I doubt things would have developped into something romantic if we remained friends. I had to disappear several times and several years so she can actually see me as a romantic potential partner. If you're just there and available anytime, she won't value you.

 

Life just brought us back together in 2011. And yeah she he my ex because I screwed up and I did the wrong move to leave her again.

 

And one more detail that might differ... We we're best friends but we both secretly liked each other since we were 15 and 16 (we're 23 and 24 today)

Edited March 31, 2012 by dev781

[JoeyArnold]

He chose to believe her without even giving me a chance.

On behalf of jerky men I apologize that he treated you like that. I believe in listening & considering both sides of the story. I try my best to do that even if I hated the other person.

 

I know some Christians believe that you have to know a person well in a group setting.

Are you describing courting? As in courtship? I believe in that to an extent as oppose to dating just to have sex. I believe that relationships is not just about sex but about friendship, romance, & partnership. In my teens I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I also started hearing speakers & people talk against premarital sex & I decided then that I would do my best to avoid making those kinds of mistakes. Unfortunately I may have stepped back too far & avoided even the healthier kinds of dating.

 

I actually have spent most of my life keeping people at a distance including girls: I've done it myself a lot actually: I've forced myself to only be friends with a bunch of girls in my life & talked myself into not dating.

 

I'm 27 years old & I'm afraid that I may have waited too long.

[KathyM]

It's actually a *her* and she is my ex yeah. I haven't been waiting for the whole 7 years. I dated 2 others girls and she dated 2 other guys. That's what I meant by, if you don't want to be friend zoned, just get out of it. I doubt things would have developped into something romantic if we remained friends. I had to disappear several times and several years so she can actually see me as a romantic potential partner. If you're just there and available anytime, she won't value you.

 

Life just brought us back together in 2011. And yeah she he my ex because I screwed up and I did the wrong move to leave her again.

 

And one more detail that might differ... We we're best friends but we both secretly liked each other since we were 15 and 16 (we're 23 and 24 today)

Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. And I do agree with you that it's hard to develop a romantic relationship with someone after you've seen them as just a friend for awhile. I'm a believer in being selective in whom you date, but starting the dating process soon with a person you have an interest in, and setting it on a romantic tone early on--the first date.

[dev781]

Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. And I do agree with you that it's hard to develop a romantic relationship with someone after you've seen them as just a friend for awhile. I'm a believer in being selective in whom you date, but starting the dating process soon with a person you have an interest in, and setting it on a romantic tone early on--the first date.

 

agreed, it saves you a lot of trouble but like Joey, I developped feelings for her after 2 years and after spending a lot of time with her... She liked me since day 1.

[KathyM]

On behalf of jerky men I apologize that he treated you like that. I believe in listening & considering both sides of the story. I try my best to do that even if I hated the other person.

 

 

Are you describing courting? As in courtship? I believe in that to an extent as oppose to dating just to have sex. I believe that relationships is not just about sex but about friendship, romance, & partnership. In my teens I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I also started hearing speakers & people talk against premarital sex & I decided then that I would do my best to avoid making those kinds of mistakes. Unfortunately I may have stepped back too far & avoided even the healthier kinds of dating.

 

I actually have spent most of my life keeping people at a distance including girls: I've done it myself a lot actually: I've forced myself to only be friends with a bunch of girls in my life & talked myself into not dating.

 

I'm 27 years old & I'm afraid that I may have waited too long.

Whether you want to call it courting or dating, same thing to me. I consider dating to be the same as courting. And I totally support you in your desire to remain celebate until marriage. I consider dating to be spending time with a person to get to know them--their personality, their values, their goals, their passions, their views on life. That's the only way you can really get to know them well enough is to spend one-on-one time with them. I don't think you really get to know a person well enough in a group setting like you would when dating them. It's time to take action and be proactive in finding that relationship. Getting involved in Christian activities and with your church is a good way to find like-minded people. And when you find someone there who interests you, ask them out. That is the way to get the ball rolling.