Ever fell in love with your best friend?

[JoeyArnold]

Getting involved in Christian activities and with your church is a good way to find like-minded people.

I've been there & done that so many times already.

 

I've worked at four different camps in three different states for a total of two winters & six different summers. Even went to school dances during high school without a date & danced with random girls. Our high school had around 800 students & I met a lot of girls then. Attended three years of Bible College in two different states. Been on three mission trips: Idaho, Quebec, & the last one was a year long mission trip in Hawaii. I've always attended different churches, Bible clubs, youth groups, all of my life. I've met a bunch of people.

 

I just have a hard time trusting that God has somebody out there because I know through experience that the kind of girl I'm interested in is very rare. Pray that God helps me trust Him more.

[FredRutherford]

I've been there & done that so many times already.

 

I've worked at four different camps in three different states for a total of two winters & six different summers. Even went to school dances during high school without a date & danced with random girls. Our high school had around 800 students & I met a lot of girls then. Attended three years of Bible College in two different states. Been on three mission trips: Idaho, Quebec, & the last one was a year long mission trip in Hawaii. I've always attended different churches, Bible clubs, youth groups, all of my life. I've met a bunch of people.

 

I just have a hard time trusting that God has somebody out there because I know through experience that the kind of girl I'm interested in is very rare. Pray that God helps me trust Him more.

 

Joey,

I'd suggest getting involved with church singles groups.

Maybe even try Christian online dating sites. I don't know much about online dating as I met my future wife before the Internet (1990s), but know people who met and later married through online dating.

 

The type of woman you want, the one you described, isn't an ordinary, "garden variety" Christian woman, which was what I wanted (at least).

While I'm sure they're out there, it's going to be hard to find the type of Christian woman you want, especially one that's still single at your age.

Just sayin' you might find more women like that through Christian-based online dating.

 

Intensify your involvement with churches, and not just your own church or denomination. Go to other churches in your area. Look for ones with big or strong singles groups.

That's how I met the first woman I ever had an adult relationship with -- that 30 y.o. virgin I met @26..... (We were platonic, she was firm about maintaining her virginity though I didn't press her. She made that point clear.).

Met her in a church singles groups in one of the city's larger churches.

 

On looking for girls in the "church circuit," also understand there are many sweet Christian women looking for men like you, particularly preacher's daughters, daughters of Bible college or seminary professors, etc.

 

Does this give you some ideas?

Maybe go to Bible school (again - night classes or summer courses) or seminary?

Why not?

Women used to say they went to college to earn their "MRS." degree...

[KathyM]

I've been there & done that so many times already.

 

I've worked at four different camps in three different states for a total of two winters & six different summers. Even went to school dances during high school without a date & danced with random girls. Our high school had around 800 students & I met a lot of girls then. Attended three years of Bible College in two different states. Been on three mission trips: Idaho, Quebec, & the last one was a year long mission trip in Hawaii. I've always attended different churches, Bible clubs, youth groups, all of my life. I've met a bunch of people.

 

I just have a hard time trusting that God has somebody out there because I know through experience that the kind of girl I'm interested in is very rare. Pray that God helps me trust Him more.

Let's take one step at a time. Go to meet your friend and spend a week there. Tell her your feelings like I said. If she wants to keep you as a friend only, then do your world tour, become a missionary, or whatever your dreams are, but be open to inviting women on dates if they are people who appear to have the same values as you. Get the dating process started. And I will pray for you. I know God answers prayers, and He knows our needs. Trust that.

[FredRutherford]

On behalf of jerky men I apologize that he treated you like that. I believe in listening & considering both sides of the story. I try my best to do that even if I hated the other person.

 

 

Are you describing courting? As in courtship? I believe in that to an extent as oppose to dating just to have sex. I believe that relationships is not just about sex but about friendship, romance, & partnership. In my teens I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I also started hearing speakers & people talk against premarital sex & I decided then that I would do my best to avoid making those kinds of mistakes.

That's good of you.

Real relationships aren't based on sex and I think people get into sexual relationships way too soon these days, even Christian women.

Not throwin' rocks at anyone as I wasn't so good in that area (only a couple of X in my 20s), but it's good to have that determination.

 

 

Unfortunately I may have stepped back too far & avoided even the healthier kinds of dating.

Also good you see your mistakes or how being shy could have kept you away from good friendships with women AND men. I say men because if you do things with friends, one of your male friends may bring along a sister, female cousin or friend you might meet and end up dating. Or, he may know you're looking and suggest someone he thinks might be good for you to date.

It happens, Joey.

 

I'm proof that blind dates work. That's how I met my wife.

 

I actually have spent most of my life keeping people at a distance including girls: I've done it myself a lot actually: I've forced myself to only be friends with a bunch of girls in my life & talked myself into not dating.

 

I'm 27 years old & I'm afraid that I may have waited too long.

You're not "too old."

There are many guys like you. Through these boards, I know a 40 y.o. Christian virgin man whose never been kissed nor asked a woman out, and know some guys in their late 20s that haven't even kissed a girl....

 

In my case, wasn't a virgin @26, but the simple fact of having quick casual sex a couple of times, that didn't really mean anything. Hadn't had an adult relationship, but that was gonna change...

 

You're at the age many of us "woke up" and decided we needed to do something to ramp-up our dating and meet more women.

 

I read many posts on LS and other boards about men and women in their mid-late 20s and early 30s meeting and dating. The woman may have been busy with graduate school so now she's met someone...

 

Take a gander at this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/269779-_for-those-who-cant-get-dates-their-late-20s-30s-40s

 

See if you can gain some ideas from it on meeting women and summoning courage to ask them out during that first meeting after you get into some conversation and sense an interest.

Christian women are just like other women, they want the guy they're talking with to express interest. And soon.

You need to do some of this as you can't count on your out of state friend being "the one."

Edited April 1, 2012 by FredRutherford

[JoeyArnold]

A day or more after telling her I like her she blogged the following words: I just don't know if these words have anything to do with me or not:

 

When you love and care deeply about someone. You love them for who they are. Nothing else matters. Its not about what they have & don’t have it’s about their heart, spirit, personality, their ambitious to live life! And if their heart not right with God they can keep it moving. That’s my point of view and that’s all I care about. And that’s all I want. No one can tell me other wise.

[JoeyArnold]

Should I visit her? I'm not sure if she wants me to. I can't tell if she wants me to. It almost sounds like she was kind of not wanting me to come. Maybe she is ok if she can see that I am just her friend & that she can trust me with that.

 

I also wonder if I should introduce her to some of my good friends or family. Should I at all? Does that help a friendship or would it confuse her?

[JoeyArnold]

I actually only have $150. A round-trip Greyhound ticket is about $240 & an Amtrak trip is around $150.

[FredRutherford]

Should I visit her? I'm not sure if she wants me to. I can't tell if she wants me to. It almost sounds like she was kind of not wanting me to come. Maybe she is ok if she can see that I am just her friend & that she can trust me with that.

 

I also wonder if I should introduce her to some of my good friends or family. Should I at all? Does that help a friendship or would it confuse her?

 

Joey,

Go ahead and plan the trip.

Tell her you're going to visit and plan to arrive on such-and-such day and here's what you plan to do.

 

See how she reacts.

I think Kathy's right on this: You need to make a move.

 

 

I actually only have $150. A round-trip Greyhound ticket is about $240 & an Amtrak trip is around $150.

Usually, the bus is cheaper than the train, but the train is more comfortable. Amtrak has wider seats...

Whichever one you do, when you purchase the ticket, ask to see if you can take an earlier one back on the return, in case it looks like staying a whole week isn't such a good idea....

Edited April 1, 2012 by FredRutherford

[JoeyArnold]

Plus my mother is getting married April 20th near Seattle. But I think I only have enough money for one trip. If I have to choose between the girl & my mother, I think my mother understands how much I care about the girl.

[KathyM]

Plus my mother is getting married April 20th near Seattle. But I think I only have enough money for one trip. If I have to choose between the girl & my mother, I think my mother understands how much I care about the girl.

If money is that tight, maybe you better hold off on the trip until you can afford the ticket and living accommodations when you are there, as well as money to spend on doing things with her while you are there. Just continue the friendship and save up for the trip. Then take the trip when you can afford it. If you've been friends for 19 months, I don't see that it's a now or never kind of thing. You have to have money for the trip before you buy the ticket. You're going to have to have money to stay in a hotel and for other expenses. Start saving for it, then make the trip.

[JoeyArnold]

Start saving.

But I have no job, almost to my last dime, been unemployed for several years, & as soon as I do get back to working or volunteering, I will become busy again & will have no time for anybody outside of my ministry objectives. I've been busy before & I know what that is like & I feel like I'm so close to going back into that world. Once I step into that realm I may never come back. I'm kind of scared to death. I feel like I'm going to hop into missions or into a career & get sucked into it & then wake up one day in fifty years & ask myself, "What just happened? Why did you let yourself get lost in the mess of life without finding the time for a wife & kids."

 

Reminds me of the film Click starring Adam Sandler. His magical remote was able to fast-forward him past certain parts in his life that he wanted to skip in his life, but before he knew he skipped away his whole life. I'm scared that I might be skipping past my whole entire life too.

[PlumPrincess]

But I have no job, almost to my last dime, been unemployed for several years, & as soon as I do get back to working or volunteering, I will become busy again & will have no time for anybody outside of my ministry objectives. I've been busy before & I know what that is like & I feel like I'm so close to going back into that world. Once I step into that realm I may never come back. I'm kind of scared to death. I feel like I'm going to hop into missions or into a career & get sucked into it & then wake up one day in fifty years & ask myself, "What just happened? Why did you let yourself get lost in the mess of life without finding the time for a wife & kids."

 

Reminds me of the film Click starring Adam Sandler. His magical remote was able to fast-forward him past certain parts in his life that he wanted to skip in his life, but before he knew he skipped away his whole life. I'm scared that I might be skipping past my whole entire life too.

Uh, the majority of people hold jobs and date and get married.

 

What have you done during all these years that you were unemployed? How do you intend to provide for your future family? This probably sounds blunt, but I'm asking you questions that most women will have inside their head when they hear what you just said, they may not ask you though and they may not tell you why they are not interested in a relationship with you.

 

Honestly, if I heard that a guy had been unemployed for years, I'd turn and walk away.

[JoeyArnold]

What have you done during all these years.

Christmas 2011 & 2010 I was a Salvation Army Bell-Ringer. Spring 2011 I was a coach/counselor at a Salvation Army weekends basketball camp. The summers of (& two winters) 2010, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, I was a camp counselor at different camps in different states (& worked at a camp in 2004). 2008-2009, worked at a restaurant & at a school. I also did work-study during my three years of college.

 

Apart from that I've been struggling to finish video, writing, art, music, ministry, & Oatmeal projects that I have been starting as far back as 1996 or so back when I was only ten years old.

Edited April 1, 2012 by JoeyArnold

[Tayla]

Sidebar to PLumPrincess, Funny that I dated a guy for a year that was entirely unemployed.

 

 

He was a millionaire and just sold his business and decided to travel the world. Best thing he did was "live life, travel much, and get that yacht for the long haul". If it helps any...He could have been poor as mud and I still would have enjoyed his attitude...He really did know how to love life!

 

To Joey:- Yes its absolutely possible to be best friends with a person and then step it up. I've been blessed with three True Loves in my life...far more then I deserved...and each of them started as endearing friends...that progressed.

Your lady friend seems worthy of your charm and dedication. Keep it simple and know that the "nerves" are just your inner senses keeping you on your toes...I have a sixth sense that you and she will find that path that leads to a couple mindset. Best to you in following your heart.

[JoeyArnold]

I have a sixth sense that you and she will find that path that leads to a couple mindset. Best to you in following your heart.

These words especially & truly encourages me mostly because she has used those exact words that I should follow my heart when seeking after my soul-mate because we have talked about each other's soul-mates to each other many times: a month or so ago I told her I'm praying for her future husband, whoever he might be: I truly want what's best for her.

 

Even if it's not me.

[FredRutherford]

These words especially & truly encourages me mostly because she has used those exact words that I should follow my heart when seeking after my soul-mate because we have talked about each other's soul-mates to each other many times: a month or so ago I told her I'm praying for her future husband, whoever he might be: I truly want what's best for her.

 

Even if it's not me.

 

Joey,

That's a definition of love:

truly wanting the best for the other, even if their future doesn't involve you.....

Yes, I had to learn that as well....

[FredRutherford]

Originally Posted by FredRutherford

What are your dealbreakers? What does a woman have to be to get your interest, Joey?

Proverbs 31. Listens, cares, reaches out to people, has an open mind, knows how to laugh, how to have joy over circumstances, the fruit of the spirit, 1 Corinthian 13, a cute voice, passionate, caring, daring, adventurous, open-minded, willing to try new things, travel the world, committed to becoming full-time missionaries wherever & whenever the Lord leads.

 

She has to have inner beauty that surpasses her outer appearances.

She has to have integrity, character, a good reputation, patient, humble, cute, funny, exciting, on fire for God, for sharing the gospel, to teaching others, to helping others, in being funny, weird, crazy.

 

She has to like Oatmeal as much as I do.

 

She has to first be in love with God, then others.

She has to believe in herself & she has to be crazy about me as I am about her.

We have to be ministry partners for life.

We have to have kids & adopt kids & travel the world & make movies & music & start churches & ministries & invent things & have adventures & learn things & everything for all the days of our lives.

 

 

 

Joey,

I'd suggest getting involved with church singles groups.

Maybe even try Christian online dating sites. I don't know much about online dating as I met my future wife before the Internet (1990s), but know people who met and later married through online dating.

 

The type of woman you want, the one you described, isn't an ordinary, "garden variety" Christian woman, which was what I wanted (at least).

 

While I'm sure they're out there, it's going to be hard to find the type of Christian woman you want, especially one that's still single at your age.

Just sayin' you might find more women like that through Christian-based online dating.

 

Intensify your involvement with churches, and not just your own church or denomination. Go to other churches in your area. Look for ones with big or strong singles groups.

That's how I met the first woman I ever had an adult relationship with -- that 30 y.o. virgin I met @26..... (We were platonic, she was firm about maintaining her virginity though I didn't press her. She made that point clear.).

Met her in a church singles groups in one of the city's larger churches.

 

On looking for girls in the "church circuit," also understand there are many sweet Christian women looking for men like you, particularly preacher's daughters, daughters of Bible college or seminary professors, etc.

 

Does this give you some ideas?

Maybe go to Bible school (again - night classes or summer courses) or seminary?

Why not?

Women used to say they went to college to earn their "MRS." degree...

 

An elaboration...

A marriage improvement book I read by Dennis and Barbara Rainey, two Christian marriage counselors who give seminars,

told how they met.

Amazon.com: dennis rainey: Books

 

They were attending a Bible school or seminary.

 

At the seminary, they lived in a dorm or in apt. quarters somewhere.

He had a car, so he offered to give her rides to classes.

Soon, they would go out to lunch together, and later, I think, dinners.

This was all just as friends, no romance involved.

 

After they finished their studies, she moved to the other coast but they kept in contact via letters and phone calls.

 

It became clear they were falling in love, and progressed from there.

 

I have some of the details sketchy as I've misplaced the book, but that's the sum of it.

They met while attending class.

 

Rekindling the Romance: Loving the Love of Your Life

Amazon.com: Rekindling the Romance: Loving the Love of Your Life (9780785285564): Dennis Rainey, Barbara Rainey, Bob DeMoss: Books

 

The book above is for Christian married couples, but you might search for books on Christian dating. I think that could help you as you're new to dating. I didn't really have those kind of resources when I was dating in my 20s.

 

 

As you're unemployed, going to school might help you meet a Christian woman that shares your strong faith the way you do.

Edited April 2, 2012 by FredRutherford

[FredRutherford]

Plus my mother is getting married April 20th near Seattle. But I think I only have enough money for one trip. If I have to choose between the girl & my mother, I think my mother understands how much I care about the girl.

 

I'd make sure you can go to your mom's wedding.

That's an important day for her, and as her son, you need to be there.

 

See if you can get a ride with a relative, if you cant afford the trip otherwise.

 

Plus... people often meet other people they can date at weddings...

[JoeyArnold]

People often meet other people they can date at weddings.

I walked my mother down the aisle when she last married in 2008. I also have mixed feelings about family & relatives because some of them think that my life is going nowhere, that I'm wasting it.

[FredRutherford]

I walked my mother down the aisle when she last married in 2008. I also have mixed feelings about family & relatives because some of them think that my life is going nowhere, that I'm wasting it.

 

Don't worry about what your family thinks about you.

You tell them you're a "work in progress" and trying to figure out what you want to do with your life, in terms of career and dating.

 

You're her son and she would be disappointed if you weren't there.

Don't let some relatives keep you from that important day for her.

 

You never know.

One of your mom's friends, or someone else attending the wedding, may bring a daughter or niece your age that you start talking with and learn she lives not that far from you.....

 

Just trying to open your eyes to all the possibilities of meeting women.....

[JoeyArnold]

Just trying to open your eyes to all the possibilities of meeting women.

Monday she called & we talked for about eight minutes. Thursday she calls & we talked for two hours. I asked her if I should go to my mother's wedding & she thinks I should. She also mentioned how giving wisdom, advice, insight & encouragement to others comes natural to me.

 

But anyways, let me tell you a story. Here is an observation of mine. So since I've known her we've rarely talked about love until the last several months or so. Ironically as you get to know somebody you start feeling more comfortable about talking about deeper issues & that is why we started diving into what we both want in our future spouses. She even started telling me of a guy she kind of likes, well, until I told her that I like her March 9th. Now, one month later "She still talks to me," which is what I told a close friend. So in a way things are like back to normal.

 

It is almost like I never told her that I like her. I'm just talking about how things appear to be. We are friends & just friends, I guess. Yet, ever since I told her a month ago she hasn't even mentioned the guy she liked or likes anymore.

 

I've decided not to talk about these kinds of things to her anyways because I don't want to pick at her heart. I let her talk to me about things that she wants to talk about instead of trying to talk about what I want to talk about.

 

But I'm mentioning this because this thing is crossing my mind. I will try to stop thinking about this but I just thought I should mention how she doesn't talk about that guy she liked or likes anymore. I just feel like maybe I did something wrong because what if she really needs to talk about this guy & what if I was the only guy she could talk to about him?

 

Doesn't that mean I betrayed her & now she feels like she can't come to me talking about boys because I have feelings for her which means she is scared of entering back into the subject of love ever again with me?

Edited April 6, 2012 by JoeyArnold

[FredRutherford]

 

this thing is crossing my mind. I will try to stop thinking about this but I just thought I should mention how she doesn't talk about that guy she liked or likes anymore.

 

I just feel like maybe I did something wrong because what if she really needs to talk about this guy & what if I was the only guy she could talk to about him?

 

 

 

No..... you didn't do wrong, Joey.

Unless you want to be a doormat who gets to hear all her sob stories about how all her BFs treat her......

 

Watch the movie When Harry Met Sally.

It's about a guy that "becomes a friend" with a girl -- and gets to be her shoulder she can cry on over her relationship heartbreaks....

That's not where a guy wants to be.

 

Doesn't that mean I betrayed her & now she feels like she can't come to me talking about boys because I have feelings for her which means she is scared of entering back into the subject of love ever again with me?

 

 

Maybe she won't want to discuss such things, but that's on her, Joey.

 

As I said, women can be tricky.

You don't want to be one of a gal's "friends" in this kind of situation:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/313588-my-awesome-breakthrough-experience-tonight-read-blessed-3.html#post3918938

 

 

Originally Posted by PlumPrincess

you have never been able to attract the women you want. Nice women don't like jerks, no matter how hot they are. What's so difficult to understand about it?

Originally Posted by AIDsFan1488

Actually some of them were "nice girls".

 

One girl who I deflowered was really sweet and innocent and the only girl around my age I know who went to church every sunday.

 

She threw her virginity away on me instead of all her male church-going Christian friends who were all in love with her,

I never called her back once I got what I wanted. .

That guy was a first-class jerk, taking away a Christian woman's virginity like that, like it was all a game.

That terrible decision was all on that woman, and she knew right from wrong, but bet she had BIG regrets giving herself to a player like that, who now is whining about all his regrets.....

 

Notice what happened to the woman's "church guy friends," the guys she knew at her church, but she was never attracted to.

 

Originally Posted by AIDsFan1488

She threw her virginity away on me instead of all her male church-going Christian friends who were all in love with her,

 

They were likely shy guys, like I once was, and never stated their interest.

 

They probably thought they were being "gentlemen" by "seeing how things go" and "waiting patiently" on her and her needs (like she was gonna show interest in one of them. Guys have to do the initiating).

 

Wonder if any of them ever made moves to ask her out?

 

Joey,

Not sayin' your gal is like that woman who had the one night stand, and there's no reason to assume so, and you'd never know any of this kind of thing if it happens to women you know....

....but you need to be wise in dating and not be a bench-warmer.

 

The time for a guy to act is when he senses some interest, during the first meetings.

You've been "talking" or dating for some time now.

So consider it good to be proactive like you're starting to be.

[JoeyArnold]

Watch the movie When Harry Met Sally.http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/313588-my-awesome-breakthrough-experience-tonight-read-blessed-3.html#post3918938. The time for a guy to act is when he senses some interest.

Agreed. Now, for the sake of argument, I believe that I might not be just friends with her anymore because she backed off from telling me about love, men, & the emotions that goes with those things. In other words, maybe she is contemplating me in her head right now. If she was not contemplating me then she should just go back to telling me everything like she did just a month ago.

[FredRutherford]

Agreed. Now, for the sake of argument, I believe that I might not be just friends with her anymore because she backed off from telling me about love, men, & the emotions that goes with those things.

In other words, maybe she is contemplating me in her head right now.

If she was not contemplating me then she should just go back to telling me everything like she did just a month ago.

 

Your relationship is changing, as relationships change over time.

 

Like I said earlier, you've been her "safe" BF, the one out of state that she doesn't "owe" anything to or isn't "committed" to, unlike the compromises couples who date in-person have to deal with as the dating/ courting process moves forward.

 

Maybe she is considering you as a BF.

She could also be leaning toward keeping you as a friend.

 

You're not going to know until you escalate the dating via a personal visit, bec. personal visits have different dynamics vs. telephone or online communication.

 

When I dated my future wife, we prob. talked on the phone once a week in the early dating and moved it to a couple to several nights a week depending on how high we wanted to phone bill to go.

But that was bookended by weekend in-person dates (we lived about 2 hrs. drive away from each other).

 

If you want to move the relationship forward, would suggest a visit, like Kathy and I advised.

[JoeyArnold]

Your relationship is changing, as relationships change over time. If you want to move the relationship forward, would suggest a visit, like Kathy and I advised.

Wouldn't she want me just as much as I want her just over the phone if she really is the one?