KathyM Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 Wouldn't she want me just as much as I want her just over the phone if she really is the one? I think it takes face-to-face contact for people to be ready to take a friendship to another level. Over the phone is just not enough. You also need to portray yourself as someone that has the qualities women look for in a long term partner. Plum Princess mentioned that your work history might hold you back from being considered eligible boyfriend material, and I would tend to agree with that. While you seem to have many warm and endeering qualities about you that make for a good friend, women do look at things like work history, ambition, goals in life, and that kind of thing when determining if someone is LTR material. Just for practical reasons. Women want a man who they feel can contribute to the family finances and will have a stable work history after marriage. You may want to ask a trusted friend who knows you in real life what changes you might make in order to get women to see you as relationship material. If your goal is to be a missionary, though, whose efforts are financed by a church or religious organization, you'd need to pursue someone who is also interested in that as a life career. That may be hard to find, and you would be limiting yourself quite a bit in the pool of Christian women, since that is a lifestyle that takes a tremendous amount of personal sacrifice, courage, and dedication. If that is something you are set on doing--becoming a missionary, then you may want to find out if that is something this woman would consider doing--dedicating her life to missionary work--in order to see if she even is a match for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyArnold Posted April 6, 2012 Author Share Posted April 6, 2012 If your goal is to be a missionary, you'd need to pursue someone who is also interested in that. Yet, Plum Princess mentioned that your work history might hold you back. She wants to be a missionary but I'm not sure if I should go see her like this. Shouldn't I find a job first? Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 She wants to be a missionary but I'm not sure if I should go see her like this. Shouldn't I find a job first? My recommendation would be to get a job--any job--so that you have an income that would enable you go for that visit. In the meantime, find out from your church if they would be willing and able to sponsor you as a missionary, and find out about missionary opportunities in your church. A lot of churches will send a group out on mission trips for a short period of time, but some churches are also looking for people who want to do that as a full time career, and they are willing to sponsor people to do that. So work on that goal with your church while you get whatever short term job you can just to get some money in your pocket. Then go to visit her and see how she feels about establishing a deeper relationship with you. Maybe you could then present her with an opportunity to join you in your missionary work if you have that set about where and when you would start your missionary work, and from that, a relationship might develop in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rickys Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 There may be positive side of your relationship,but i will say that there are possibilities of 'just attraction', because you didn't mention that you talked to other girls..do you? But if you really love her, then you must tell her, there would be no issue... Possible that she loves you too. So, try at least once.. Link to post Share on other sites
FredRutherford Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 Wouldn't she want me just as much as I want her just over the phone if she really is the one? Joey... GO SEE HER !!!!! However you can swing it, visit her city. Maybe make it a long 3-day weekend vs. a full week, but GO SEE HER !!! If you keep things as they are, one day, she may tell you about a "friend" she's dating.... It's "going well," she says, and soon, they become a couple. Next thing you know, they're engaged. Then she tells you she doesn't think it's appropriate to remain in telephone communication with you..... It's inevitable. If you interact with her in-person, and it seems to go well, you can try to intensify the weekly 1 hr. phone conversation to talking with her several times a week, maybe a half-hour each time. That could bring you emotionally closer. Do you want your relationship to remain as it is? If you don't make any attempts to advance your relationship, don't expect and significant changes and be content with the current relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyArnold Posted April 20, 2012 Author Share Posted April 20, 2012 But if you really love her, then you must tell her. You say I should tell her I'm interested in her. I already told her that. Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 You say I should tell her I'm interested in her. I already told her that. Then it's very likely that she is not interested... You don't seem to do well with women, but not all hope is lost, because there's a lot of information on this website. Read it and get informed. Become active in understanding women and relationships. Talk with your friends about women. Etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyArnold Posted May 17, 2012 Author Share Posted May 17, 2012 Talk with your friends about women. Etc. I am either in love with someone I can't have or with everybody or nobody. Link to post Share on other sites
FredRutherford Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 (edited) You don't seem to do well with women, but not all hope is lost, because there's a lot of information on this website. Read it and get informed. Become active in understanding women and relationships. Talk with your friends about women. Etc. Plum, So he's new at this kind of thing. Lots of guys, myself included, didn't get really serious about dating and relationships until our mid-late 20s. We were shy and introverted. I awoke @25-26 and made a deliberate effort to get out there, get involved in church singles groups and other activities that would help me meet women. Soon found myself in a 6 mo. relationship that ALMOST got me engaged, in more relationships and within 4-5 yrs. met my future spouse. It's never too late though. As KathyM has posted, she knows virgin men and women (like the OP), who met their loves in their 40s and 50s and married for the first time then. Edited May 17, 2012 by FredRutherford Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 I am either in love with someone I can't have or with everybody or nobody. I don't understand what you mean. But my advice stands and there is not much more I have to add to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyArnold Posted May 29, 2012 Author Share Posted May 29, 2012 Lots of guys, myself included, didn't get really serious about dating and relationships until our mid-late 20s. We were shy and introverted. I was not and am not shy around the ladies. Link to post Share on other sites
FredRutherford Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 Originally Posted by FredRutherford Lots of guys, myself included, didn't get really serious about dating and relationships until our mid-late 20s. We were shy and introverted. I was not and am not shy around the ladies. Then why are you in your late 20s and never having gone on a date? Not a knock on you, Joey, but you sense the need to begin asking women out on dates... ***You're not alone in this, BTW. The son of a couple at our church, he's 30 and only really started seriously dating. He went on a couple of dates, but they didn't go well and he may have been a little "too picky" about the woman's looks, according to his mom. The first woman this guy seriously dated, a divorce' in her late 30s, they've been dating for 1+ yrs. so it could turn into a marriage... ABOUT ME: I did date starting in HS, but after HS, rarely got second dates and never enjoyed a real adult dating relationship until 26.... when ALMOST got engaged..... a big heartbreak, something that still stings a little today knowing what I could've had if I'd been wiser at dating and known what to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyArnold Posted May 29, 2012 Author Share Posted May 29, 2012 Then why are you in your late 20s and never having gone on a date? You break, you buy. Why shop if you can't buy yet. Why date when you can't marry yet. I chose to wait until I was ready for marriage. I knew I was not ready before. I also know that people get accidentally pregnant all of the time. I do not want to get girls pregnant. I do not want to break girls hearts when a break-up occurs. I also wanted to focus on college, mission trips, hobbies, making movies, playing games, basketball, life as a single man. Unlike some people, I am a very busy person. Girls take up time, money and emotions. Those are all things I was not able to invest into. I had no money, time, and my emotions are also limited too to other things. Link to post Share on other sites
FredRutherford Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 (edited) You break, you buy. Why shop if you can't buy yet. Why date when you can't marry yet. I chose to wait until I was ready for marriage. I knew I was not ready before. I also know that people get accidentally pregnant all of the time. I do not want to get girls pregnant. I do not want to break girls hearts when a break-up occurs. I also wanted to focus on college, mission trips, hobbies, making movies, playing games, basketball, life as a single man. Unlike some people, I am a very busy person. Girls take up time, money and emotions. Those are all things I was not able to invest into. I had no money, time, and my emotions are also limited too to other things. Understand your situation there, Joey. However, other couples, ones still in college "living on a prayer" in terms of finances, make it on little $$ until landing paying jobs. So don't let finances discourage you from pursuing a relationship. You break, you buy. Why shop if you can't buy yet. Why date when you can't marry yet. That's a good philosophy on dating. Once you cross the line and get a girl pregnant.... well... it's curtains.... Maybe being more prudent and not dating every girl you have an opportunity to ask out would be better. I also know that people get accidentally pregnant all of the time. I do not want to get girls pregnant. Another good point. However, the Christian man you are, you likely wouldn't have pursued women sexually outside of marriage. Like you, I was a Christian in my 20s and didn't pursue women for sex... though of course the thoughts entered my mind... You'd likely date Christian women so I can't see that as a valid roadblock to dating. I do not want to break girls hearts when a break-up occurs. Of course, you don't want to cause a girl emotional distress, but it's really a part of life and unavoidable. Have been on both sides of that (mostly girls dumped me) and can tell you it's often for the better to end the relationship. One non-virgin never-married (but limited experience) Christian woman I platonically dated @27, she "offered" herself sexually to me if I didn't break us up. The night I visited her in her apt. to end the relationship (she asked me to visit her in person after work), she was in her pajamas and I went back to her bedroom. No worry, she had a roommate and I wasn't going to get sexually involved with someone I didn't have feelings for. I also wanted to focus on college, mission trips, hobbies, making movies, playing games, basketball, life as a single man. Unlike some people, I am a very busy person. Girls take up time, money and emotions. Those are all things I was not able to invest into. I had no money, time, and my emotions are also limited too to other things.True too but good things in life aren't free. They require time and investment. Edited May 29, 2012 by FredRutherford Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyArnold Posted May 29, 2012 Author Share Posted May 29, 2012 Once you cross the line and get a girl pregnant. Can people see the line between pregnancy & harmless casual sex? Link to post Share on other sites
FredRutherford Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 (edited) Originally Posted by FredRutherford Once you cross the line and get a girl pregnant. Can people see the line between pregnancy & harmless casual sex? Of course. You, as a Christian man, aren't likely to pursue casual sex. But you're right, temptation can sneak-up on you. I knew what I was capable of when I was a new Christian in college (lost my virginity in HS, wayyyyyyyy too early)... One night in my early 20s, went back to a girl's apt. after a church singles group meeting. While we were kissing and making out (not sure why we started that at that early stage), my hand started caressing her breast with her shirt on. Suddenly I felt bad about that and stopped and apologized to her. Hardly knew her and it was like our first date. So you can "catch" yourself and stop. If you both are Christians, good to discuss that kind of thing and set "limits" or boundaries if you're trying to remain chaste until marriage. If she's a virgin and wants to remain that way, believe me, she'll tell you... Edited May 29, 2012 by FredRutherford Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyArnold Posted May 29, 2012 Author Share Posted May 29, 2012 Lost my virginity in HS, wayyyyyyyy too early did you know you were going to lose your virginity before you lost it? was it a total accident or were you trying to lose it as soon as you could? in your teens, you were like most guys? was losing your virginity the first time an accident or did you did it because you wanted to do it? Link to post Share on other sites
FredRutherford Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Originally Posted by FredRutherford Lost my virginity in HS, wayyyyyyyy too early did you know you were going to lose your virginity before you lost it? was it a total accident or were you trying to lose it as soon as you could? in your teens, you were like most guys? was losing your virginity the first time an accident or did you did it because you wanted to do it? Joey, Glad you asked as was gonna post this. Not necessarily for your benefit, but for others reading this. did you know you were going to lose your virginity before you lost it? was it a total accident or were you trying to lose it as soon as you could? Wasn't a total accident. By the time we had sex, was something that had been building up during our sr. year. in your teens, you were like most guys? was losing your virginity the first time an accident or did you did it because you wanted to do it?No, wasn't really interested in having sex. It all seemed to come too easy in our dating. Was content just holding hands, kissing and hugging at the drive-in movie theater. Really had no thoughts of having sex with her. Honestly. One night she told me "I never tried anything..." Had a car and got ideas and started "exploring..." One thing led to another in touching, partial clothes off, "dry humping," "light" sexual stuff, next thing you know, we lost our virginities to each other... Once you get that train a rollin', hard to stop. Originally Posted by FredRutherford [FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Once you cross the line and get a girl pregnant.[/FONT] I also know that people get accidentally pregnant all of the time. I do not want to get girls pregnant. Pregnancy fear was one reason I stopped the sex. A condom failure made me question if being a father @17-18 was really something I wanted. We both felt immense guilt, it was yucky and never got better. So asked her if we could stop. Only had sex 3-4X but realized it wasn't something we needed to do. Now it sounds like I blame her, but it was more on me. I didn't HAVE to have sex with her. No one pressured us. Just seemed like the thing to do. Wasn't the man I should have been toward her and a big life regret. Wasn't a Christian then. Wasn't anti-Christian, just didn't really know much about it. Became of faith a year later in college. The year of my 30th reunion, "apologized" to her. Big mistake. But felt I needed to say something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyArnold Posted May 31, 2012 Author Share Posted May 31, 2012 Wasn't the man I should have been toward her and a big life regret. Regret is irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
FredRutherford Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Originally Posted by FredRutherford Wasn't the man I should have been toward her and a big life regret Regret is irrelevant. Why? I really wish I hadn't gotten sexual with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyArnold Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 Why? I really wish I hadn't gotten sexual with her. Regret is like touching a hot stove. Link to post Share on other sites
FredRutherford Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Regret getting sexual with her... but don't regret HER. You read in posts how many women post how they regret giving their virginities to a guy that "was such a jerk" after he didn't call after they had sex, ignored her calls, etc. They fall for all his lines and discover he's a louse or player after the guy gets what he wants and bolts. You can almost set your stopwatch to when he'll leave... .... but that's not why I regret the incident. Merely regret not being the kind of guy I should've been toward her... one that wouldn't press a woman for sex nor take advantage of her... That was the kind of guy I was in college and in my 20s.... Did ask her for her forgiveness. May post her response later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyArnold Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 Merely regret not being the kind of guy I should've been toward her. do you regret regret? Link to post Share on other sites
FredRutherford Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Regret getting sexual with her... . .... Did ask her for her forgiveness. May post her response later. A year or so ago, around my 30th HS reunion, got this idea to "apologize" to her. Looking at her Facebook page (we're not friends), she's big into Catholicism and appears she's a conservative Christian. So figured some Christian forgiveness would be in order.... All I said was, ".....this may seem awkward, but I feel I need to say it. I want to apologize for what happened between you and I in HS. We didn't HAVE to have sex, and I pressured you. I wasn't half the man I should have been and the man you needed then. I regret my actions and asked forgiveness of God years ago... Want to ask forgiveness of you...." Link to post Share on other sites
FredRutherford Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Well... got my response. The response wasn't in the galaxy of what I expected.... or wanted. HER RESPONSE: ".... Please don't contact me..." Link to post Share on other sites
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