How to deal with a (real or perceived) maturity gap?

[Red Arremer]

So I've been doing a bit more thinking lately (dangerous, I know) and I've been thinking about how my maturity level compares to the people around me. To make a really long story short, I had kind of a messed up childhood that I feel like stunted me emotionally, and I also sort of relate to Judge Reinhold's character in Fast Times at Ridgemont High ("The fun is about to come to an end? I'm still waiting on the fun to start!"). The result of all this is that even though I'm 30 years old now I don't feel like I'm anywhere near the maturity level of a 30-year-old. If I had to give myself a "maturity age" I'd actually put myself at closer to 21-22 at the moment. "Manchild" isn't the right word, but it's the first one that comes to mind. (Shoutouts to Chuck Palahniuk)

 

This has been really hard on me though, because it's made it hard to make friends with or (especially) date people close to my own age. Most of the people my age at work and elsewhere seem like they're settling down and taking their responsibilities more seriously and starting families and stuff, and I want none of any of that and quite frankly all of that kind of scares me. I have a decent job (like I said in my other thread) but I basically just see it as a means to a paycheck that's standing in the way of things I actually want to do and nothing more. I have literally zero confidence in my ability to competently take care of a pet, let alone a child. I have absolutely no desire for a serious relationship at the moment, and if it was possible for me to find/keep a FWB I would almost certainly be doing that exclusively. All of my hobbies are pretty nerdy, which I imagine just reinforces the "kiddish" vibe I probably give off.

 

So despite the fact that these people and I are the same age, it just seems like we're at such different stages in life that I have trouble relating to them. I have a small group of friends, but I'm the oldest person in my circle of friends by a good 5-6 years easily. I don't necessarily go for younger women for dating exclusively, but I tend to gravitate to women that are around 21-24 for pretty much the same reasons. This also means that typically nothing happens with these women because I'm too old for them.

 

I wish I knew what to do about this, because I just know that if nothing changes I'm going to be one of those creepy 40+ year old guys on OLD sites that message 21-year-olds and just the thought of that is enough to make me want to drink myself into a coma.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok,first of all, kudos to you, if you've seen for yourself, that there's an aspect to your temperament and character that you perceive needs adjustment.

there are an awful lot of people in life who have what one might label 'character flaws' which persistently refuse to see them, or refuse point blank to accept that changes need making.

So first of all, I think you need a pat on the back for being so perceptive about yourself, well done you.

 

Secondly, address the things you do - but also, the things you don't do...

Do you read a lot? Do you listen to discussion programmes? I'm not talking chat shows or Jerry springer (!) but political programmes that bring the world view to your attention?

The thing is to not go to extremes. Don't attempt to go so far 'the other way' that people suddenly start asking "what is it with you?"

just pick up on serious discussions, and resist the temptation to jump in with a funny....

Read the papers and bring yourself up to speed with current events. Globally.

It's not only what you do for yourself, it's the people you mix with... try to find a balance there too, and to interact with people whose level of maturity you aspire to.

and you know, weird as it may sound, you should confide in a good friend, and tell him to kick your shin when you're being a jackass....

Don't take offence when you ask peoples' opinions of you. If they come back with, "it's really annoying man, when you... *do this* you just need to quit...." take a lesson from it, digest and realise it's all building blocks....

 

but never lose the child within you.

I've seen it happen.

Men suddenly thinking that now that *this, this and this* has happened, they have to quit being so childish - and in essence they crush the humour, the fun and the carefree attitude that sometimes is so refreshing and vibrant....

My ex-husband did that.

We used to have great fun in our dating days and early married life - then when i was pregnant with our first child, it's almost like someone flicked a "Mr Responsibility" switch. I've never known anyone go from one temperament to another, so fast.

so find balance, and enjoy the fact that you can be the life and soul of the party.

And find the happy medium that both benefits - and suits - you.

 

everything in Moderation.

 

Including moderation.

[FitChick]

It's better to realize how you are and what you want than to pretend you are mature and familial and marry some unsuspecting woman, have kids and then leave screaming that you don't want to be tied down. There are women who are like you, but you just have to find them.

[PlumPrincess]

I'm kind of like that, too. People my age are usually way more settled than I am and I end up hanging out with people who are younger than me and who are in a similar phase in their life. The "bad" thing is, I look a lot younger than I am, so when I hang out with the younger crowd, nobody finds it particularly weird, because I just blend in. I don't want to say I want to look like an old loser who hangs out with the kids, because he can't have friends his own age, but well, maybe it would force me to grow up, make decisions and stick to them, commit. Recently I've been thinking a lot that I really need to be careful, because if I hang out too much with younger people, I will fall to the carefree illusion that I also have lots of time, but well, I don't, my biological clock is ticking.

[Red Arremer]

Regarding the "keep up on world events" thing, I actually do try to keep up on politics and that sort of thing, but lately I've been trying to stay away from it for the most part because politics (in America especially) is really starting to turn nasty and it's pretty much impossible to have a conversation about politics with anyone that doesn't already agree with you because everything is getting so polarized.

 

And regarding the "try to interact with people whose maturity level you aspire to" suggestion, that's kind of a tough one too because at the moment I don't really even know what that is. On one hand it bothers me that I'm the "old guy" in my circle of friends and that I probably look weird hanging out with all these "kids" and chasing after women that are quite a bit younger than me, but on the other hand I never had a chance to have any fun at that age and now I feel like I've missed out and have to catch up, so to speak. At some point I'm probably just going to have to accept that my fun never came and never will come and that I should stop desperately clinging on to my youth, but man that's a depressing thought.

[Red Arremer]

Ugh, f*** my life.

 

So my younger friends that I was talking about earlier have a website that they do a bunch of geek culture articles and what-not, so since I have pretty much nothing going for me in my life other than my boring as hell job right now I decided to start writing for it. I found out about half an hour ago that their editor is a guy that's an acquaintance of mine that's my age, and despite having nerdy interests himself has his s*** together and actually was the boyfriend of one of the only (if not *the* only) friend that's close to my age that I have. So, basically he's the embodiment of everything that I wish I was but am not.

 

Granted I've been drinking quite a bit tonight but I seriously just want to die right now.

[january2011]

The bright side is that you've found a potential role model. You know what you want your life to look like. You don't have to copy his life in its entirety, but it gives you something to aspire to. If you believe in signs, I think this is the universe answering your cry for help.

 

Sometimes, you don't get what you want - you get what you need.

[Red Arremer]

If the universe has decided to "answer my cry for help" by reminding me of my failures at every available opportunity, the universe has a pretty cruel way of helping. :\

[Pacman]

Hey man I know what you're going through.

 

I'm 25 and I work with people who are married/getting married. Albeit they are all 30+ and I have nothing in common with any of them..except maybe for sports.

 

It's hard to get to know someone with a different maturity level. You should see the conversations I have with the nurses and physicians I work for. It goes like this.

 

Hey how are you? I'm good and yourself? I'm fine! How was the weekend? Oh it was amazing, I spent time with the family..how was yours? Well I stayed in and watched a movie (Actually got hammered and tried to pick up girls)...then comes to awkward silence.

 

But anyways why are you comparing yourself to them? You shouldn't. Everyone matures differently.

 

"It's your journey and yours alone, why compare it to someone elses?"

[Pacman]

If the universe has decided to "answer my cry for help" by reminding me of my failures at every available opportunity, the universe has a pretty cruel way of helping. :\

 

Everyone has failures. I slacked off in college and am paying for it big time. I have my bachelors and I'm working as someones bitch with a pay rate of $12 an hour.

 

Actually quitting in the fall, retaking classes to get my gpa up and apply for med school. I'll be 27 at the earliest if I can get into med school.

 

27 is way too old for med school, but here I am still pursuing..