ex girlfriend tapes found, tell/not tell, throw out/keep?

[nicole_loc]

Hey everyone,

 

I have a problem that has been discussed a few times before on here but I still don't know what I should do.

 

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over 2 years. Before we started dating he was seeing another women for about 5 months. He used to have pictures of her hanging up as well as other things that reminded him of her around his house. When I confronted him on this he said that he just considered them decoration and didn't think that they hurt me. I told him to take them down, which he immediatley did and was going to throw them out, to which I stopped him, because I still wanted him to have memories, I just wanted the pictures put away.

 

So, here is my problem. I was doing a bit a 'spring cleaning' a few weeks ago when I came across a box full of things of this other women. Notes, love letter, nude photos and sex tapes of both of them. It hurt me so much that he kept these things. I'm 100% positive, no questions about it that he doesn't look at these pictures/videos anymore, but it still hurts that he has them, even if they are hidden away.

 

So, do I confront him that I found this box? Or should I keep my mouth shut. They really bother me, but I don't know how he'll react to me finding them. I mean, 5 months compared to our 2 years, I'm not worried about losing him to her, but after seeing the photos, I can't help but comparing myself to her.

 

I don't even know if I want him to get rid of the stuff, I feel like a bitch if I do, but I don't know if I can handle him keeping them.

 

So, do I tell him that I found the pics/tapes and risk him getting angry at me and putting our relationship in a dangerous spot

or

Do I keep my mouth shut and deny that I found anything

 

And if I do tell him, do I make him get rid of everything that I see unfit (nude photos, videos, etc; the letters I don't mind at all)

or

do I let him keep what's his?

[supermom]

I would TOTALLY talk to him about it, but not in a "bitchy" way.....maybe like this..

 

 

"Honey, I was doing some cleaning and came across this box, curious, I opened it. Now, having pics is one thing, but when I saw nude photos and sex tape, come on wouldn't you be mad?"

 

Something along those lines. Make it sound like common sense not to keep stuff LIKE THAT.

 

I don't mind if I come across pics of exs but I would be VERY UPSET and rightously so, if I saw what you saw.

 

OMG keep us posted!!

[Phelly]

I agree fully with the previous poster.

 

Definitely talk to him about it, for your peace of mind.

 

Maybe it's just my own personality but if it were me I would confront him about it in a joking kind of way. You know, light hearted. Let him know you don't want to make this bigger than it is, but you still want to talk about it.

 

In the end it's just for your peace of mind. I bet he forgot those things were even there.

 

Just make sure that you contain the situation, don't turn it into an argument. I think that would be OK. And it would make you feel better.

[Pyrannaste]

I'm 100% positive, no questions about it that he doesn't look at these pictures/videos anymore, but it still hurts that he has them, even if they are hidden away.

 

I second the other poster's advice to tell him you accidentally found the box.

Anyway I don't think it would be fair to ask him to throw them out. Not before you are at least engaged or married anyway.

Make him instead tape the box with *huge*amounts of sellotape and put it on a cupboard on in some other place out of sight but not out of reach (so you can check if the box is still taped when you are worried).

have him promise he won't look at that stuff again while he is with you.

If he spontaneously throws it all away, the better. But I think it's good enough he does not look at it.

 

My bf has recorded logs of erotic internet chats with a ex of his. I don't care if he keeps them on a floppy disk as long as he is not re-reading them while he's with me. (I actually never asked if he is re-reading them, but one day I'll try to approach the subject. )

 

Try not to be angry at him unless he acts a jerk about the stuff you found.

[young&idealistic]

hmmm.

 

Pyrannaste's reply left me kinda scratching my head. I've enjoyed reading so many of her other posts, and I'm surprised that she would be so understanding about her bf holding on to his erotic chats. (No offense meant, Pyrannaste.)

 

At any rate, I think everyone's pretty much hit the nail on the head by saying you should tell him you accidentally found the box. Honestly, I think you're probably totally correct--he never threw away the tapes because he never had a reason to. And, since you've been together for a while, he probably hasn't even thought about them during that time!

 

Think of it this way--you would be the dishonest one if you DIDN'T tell him what you'd found in cleaning. He sounds like a great guy who deserves to know what's on your mind.

 

Just tell him you found the box and it made you uncomfortable. If he's as understanding as you've said, you guys can figure out where to take it from there.

 

Just try to be understanding when you talk to him, but also keep in mind that your feelings are totally valid, and he should understand that. After all, how would he feel if he ran across sex videos of you and your ex? Good luck, and please keep us informed!

[kimber]

Ya talk to him. do everything that everyone said here and in the end let him decide to keep it or throw it, If he has the decission then he will not feel forsed to do something, and say to him that if it is kept then please tap the box and put it somewhere else so that it is not reachable and TAPED UP!!

[nicole_loc]

Thanks everyone for your help.

I've decided to talk to him about it, but I need a few days to get my head straight.

I'll let you know what happens.

Thanks so much.