My ex-wife wants to come back after almost 2 years.

[scooby75]

A little background first. My ex and I were together for about 7 years total and married for 2 of those years. I was 20 (now 29) and she was 19 (now 27) and pregnant when we met. She (we) have a great 8 year old daughter who I love as if she was my own, and she has no idea I'm not her real father. Anyway the ex asked me to move out about 2 years ago and wanted a divorce because she said she wasn't happy. I didn't want the divorce and basically begged her to let me stay and work it out. I wanted for us to go to counseling or do whatever it takes to get things back on track but she refused. Some of the things causing us problems were my anxiety attacks making it difficult for me to go out to places with a lot of people, she liked to party a lot and that was also a problem because she would stay out all night several times a month. She also began smoking weed almost every day and did crank and shrooms a few times (I knew about the weed but not about the other stuff until after I moved out). All of this "acting out" stuff happened after she was laid off from her job at an airline shortly after 9/11. There were a few other minor problems too. Before that the previous 6 years were pretty darn good, we rarely fought and we met in the middle on almost every issue that came up.

 

Since I moved out in September of 2002 my anxiety attacks are no longer an issue and I'm pretty sure they will never return no matter what is happening around me. She sees that and knows I am a different person now when it comes to that part of my life. Since I left I have had a very hard time trying to get over her. I have not dated anyone or even really tried to. I still love my ex very much and had asked her come back to me several times during the first year apart but stopped asking when the divorce was final last November, she only considered it once but then changed her mind the next day. The past year we have not spoken to each other very much except to make arrangements for me to see the kid. That was true up until about 4 weeks ago. She started calling and emailing a few times a week with what seemed like just excuses to call such as asking questions about things relating to our daughter. And every time she called the conversations seemed to be getting longer and longer and she was asking me a lot of questions about how I was doing and everything else.

 

She called me today and said she wants to come home. She admitted and apologized for all of the things she was wrong about in the ending of the relationship. She said she still loves me and always has, and she misses me and lizes that she took a lot of things for granted. She said she made a horrible mistake and wants to give it another shot. I asked her why now and she says she wants to have a family again and she can't imagine that with the guy she is with now or anyone else. She says she wants to have another child and be a stay at home mom and be a good wife. She is no longer smoking weed everyday (a few times a month which I am ok with) and says she has not done anything else in about a year. She is insisting on us going to counseling together which is great. There are other ways she has made improvements with herself and seems to sincere about all this. But at the same time she says she is scared and confused. So here is the problem, she doesn't want to take it slow, she doesn't want to work more than part-time, she wants to move in with me in the next 2 weeks, she currently has no job, she is going to feel bad hurting the guy she is with, she is confused, she just wants all or nothing all at once. This is a big choice for me to make. I'm afraid that if she comes back that she'll change her mind and get cold feet and I'll have go through all that pain again after just recently feeling like moving forward with my life. Should I go for the way she wants it? Should I insist on moving a little slower? I don't want to blow this chance at something I have wanted since the day I moved out, but I just don't think she'll do it a little slower (ease into it over a couple of months) and then this chance may be gone forever.

 

So confused, advice please.

[supermom]

Maybe you should start "dating" again. You two are no longer married, so maybe have a little fun with it (which could help anyway) and start over.

 

Sounds like she has probably really missed you and wants to change. As long as she is not into the drugs (I don't really consider weed a "drug") then you have a chance, but let her know what you expect. Lay it all on the table first you know....I hope if you love her still this will work out for you.

 

GOOD LUCK!!

[estakado]

"she wants to move in with me in the next 2 weeks, she currently has no job, she is going to feel bad hurting the guy she is with, she is confused, she just wants all or nothing all at once. This is a big choice for me to make. "

 

You need to focus on what you just said right there as a starting point and she has to decide that if she wants to be with you then she needs to change and make you happy in order to be happy herself. You really have to talk to her and re-date her again to really see if this is the woman for you. But before this is to happen she needs to cut the other guy off completely and then wait about a month or 2 after that for you and her to work on yourselves. It really sounds like she wants to be with you because it will make her life easier. And dude I dunno bout you but she gotta stop smoking weed everyday or even once a week. Why? Because weed makes you lazy and sometimes paranoid [yes I used to smoke too] and if she is lazy and cant find a simple job to help your relationship out then guess what...she might get tired of you again.

 

Think about what you really want in your life right now...for the next 5 years? Can you see her in the picture? Overall you have to make her work for it to get back to you, be a challenge but dont play too hard to get. I've had ex'es that were party girls and they always comeback because our types are the sure thing....use this time to take care of you.