Author beenburned Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 wannabdone, You brought up a good point! Not only about technology advances, but also the multiple web sites promoting adultery as a lifestyle choice! Just for the record, years ago cheating spouses used pay phones to contact their OW. They also used their work phones or friends home phones. Am I showing my age? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Well good for you Miss Bee! Like I said she is one in a million....she did what she needed to do....I wouldn't criticize her though....That's why there are apples and oranges....Get my drift? My point wasn't to criticize your friend so you don't need to defend her actions. You told us what she did and I simply was commenting that that is too much FOR ME and I'd not go to that point personally. Everyone has a limit right? Smelling someone's penis is mine. But if someone else finds it necessary, then hey. I only commented on MYSELF and what I would not be willing to do. I hope you get my drift 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 The best thing any of us can do in this situation or any other in life...IS GO WITH YOUR GUT.....If your gut is telling you there is something wrong...Then 99.99999% of the time there is.....I always trust my gut feelings......Like a sixth sense.....Intuition...... I agree with this! You just have to cultivate your intuition and awareness....it's truly a muscle you have to flex...the more you practice listening to your gut and being aware, the more second nature it becomes and the more spot-on you become at detecting things or picking up on stuff. I know this because int he last few years I actively engaged mine and it had made a world of difference. As someone earlier in the thread said: if someone wants to cheat, they will. They mentioned all these phone apps and all these stealth methods that can allow someone to cheat if they so choose. I do believe there are always flags, sometimes more obvious than others, but your intuition is what helps....the more you hone it, the easier you can pick up on subtle signs. If you feel something is wrong....it probably is. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 The best thing any of us can do in this situation or any other in life...IS GO WITH YOUR GUT.....If your gut is telling you there is something wrong...Then 99.99999% of the time there is.....I always trust my gut feelings......Like a sixth sense.....Intuition...... I know when I was with xMM, he always had his phone attached to him...NOW, he was in the corporate world... Big Time...and was GLOBAL...so e-mails, texts, and phone calls were coming to him all hours of the day or nite. Could text him at ANYTIME...... SHE WAS NEVER ALLOWED to touch his cell-phone..It was his work phone. And he travels the WORLD constantly...so very very very easy for him to cheat..... I hear you. But so often our guts can be swayed (for a lack of better words), when it is something we want so desperately to believe. I have definitely been there. A lot of times, and more often than not, we believe what we want to believe. As far as the phone, I understand that. I have my phone on me all times, I very much am attached to my job 24/7 as I am dealing with ppl in different countries, time zones, etc. I never allowed my spouse to look at my phone, if I was talking to xMM or not, I just would never let him. Now, on the other hand, xMM allowed his wife to have his phone all the time. Because he wanted to make her think he wasn't doing anything. He just had it set up where I only texted him when he did me. So, here she thought he was being open and honest, and allowing her to have his phone, and he was being a sneak. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 wannabdone, You brought up a good point! Not only about technology advances, but also the multiple web sites promoting adultery as a lifestyle choice! Just for the record, years ago cheating spouses used pay phones to contact their OW. They also used their work phones or friends home phones. Am I showing my age? Lol... NOT AT ALL. I remember the days of pay phones, no cell phones. Or everyone using their home phones, and having answering machines. I'm old. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beenburned Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Does anybody remember the semen detection kits for underwear? Link to post Share on other sites
nonamefornow Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I'm not sure an OW/fOW could answer the original question posed....of course they could answer what the WS asked them to do i.e. lie your head off if she (W) ever contacts you, deny everything etc. but would a BS not usually instinctively know something is amiss? If you have known via whatever means that contact has continued for a year would your detection skills be any more honed? I don't think so because the WS has become SO practised at this that he's covered all areas....the person I was involved with, after about the 3rd time his wife discovered contact, would delete as he went, whether it was emails, texts, probably phone calls so with that kind of stealth, unless you're standing over their shoulder the entire time, it would be hard to tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I hear you. But so often our guts can be swayed (for a lack of better words), when it is something we want so desperately to believe. I have definitely been there. A lot of times, and more often than not, we believe what we want to believe. As far as the phone, I understand that. I have my phone on me all times, I very much am attached to my job 24/7 as I am dealing with ppl in different countries, time zones, etc. I never allowed my spouse to look at my phone, if I was talking to xMM or not, I just would never let him. Now, on the other hand, xMM allowed his wife to have his phone all the time. Because he wanted to make her think he wasn't doing anything. He just had it set up where I only texted him when he did me. So, here she thought he was being open and honest, and allowing her to have his phone, and he was being a sneak. Hi Wannabdone..... Oh I do hear you regarding swaying or trying to be swayed....But I have learned that I am a very obstinate person...very hardheaded, and will fight tooth and nail to let someone hear my point of view..Even if everyone else thinks I am dead wrong....So be it.....But if my gut is telling me something isn't right..THEN it isn't....That's just me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Sometimes I'm a little shocked when I read stuff here and elsewhere about the depths people will go to in order to lie or to assist someone else in their lies....or the things people will do to try to find out if someone is lying. (still shocked that someone would actually make a man drop his pants and smell his penis). :eek: I' m no angel, but some of this stuff is way off the charts. If there is a will there is a way to do it apparently and there is no stopping someone. I guess......it shouldn't be so shocking but it is to me and with the technology available now, hell-o. Makes me want to stay in my cave even more than I already do. LadyGrey....I think there was another poster who also said she heard of the "SNIFF test". I wasn't even shocked when she told me...I started laughing my ass off....Oh my, did you actually ask him to do that? She said YEP!!! Shocked....I am not shocked at ANYTHING anymore in this life.....Nothing surprises me about anything or anybody.... I will never leave my cave...And I am in it 24/7! Welcome to my world.... Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 does anybody remember the semen detection kits for underwear? excuse me????? What???? Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 When your whole world has been shaken to its core by infidelity, and trust has been completely broken, women (BSs) will go to desperate measures to make sure they are not betrayed again, and are not being made a fool of again. Even if that means things like sniff tests, PIs, and other forms of investigation. Once that trust has been broken, nothing the WS says can be taken at face value, and the BS will often make desperate attempts to know the truth. I know women who have been in this situation, and who have gone to desperate measures to make sure they were not still being lied to. It's self preservation for BSs to do this, and is understandable that they are no longer trusting, and are determined to do whatever it takes to know the truth. It just seems so cruel to think about--that a man would continue to lie after D Day, and continue to "use up" the BSs life with lies and fake reconciliation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Believe me, I want to spill it all but I have privacy concerns. I know the chances of anyone I know being on here is pretty slim, but I just have concerns about posting details here and there that can be put together. That makes it harder for me to ask for advice. Alice, your story is just one of thousands on here. If you share the primary details and general issues, you would get on your path to healing or deciding much faster. No one uses names or extremely specific information which could be traceable. Plus, it's extremely difficult to keep track of everyone's details here anyway, ..haha! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 When your whole world has been shaken to its core by infidelity, and trust has been completely broken, women (BSs) will go to desperate measures to make sure they are not betrayed again, and are not being made a fool of again. Even if that means things like sniff tests, PIs, and other forms of investigation. Once that trust has been broken, nothing the WS says can be taken at face value, and the BS will often make desperate attempts to know the truth. I know women who have been in this situation, and who have gone to desperate measures to make sure they were not still being lied to. It's self preservation for BSs to do this, and is understandable that they are no longer trusting, and are determined to do whatever it takes to know the truth. It just seems so cruel to think about--that a man would continue to lie after D Day, and continue to "use up" the BSs life with lies and fake reconciliation. Kathy....and this is where I am having an internal debate on whether to let xmm W know what he has been doing....She should know what he has been doing and WHO she is married to...I just feel like she is living in a dream world and has NO idea what SHE is living with. Like I said, I stopped this insanity (A), told him NO MORE LYING to her...but ya know what...he didn't care that he was lying to her, and that made me sink even lower into the earth...I really called him out on it, quite a few conversations about it...But no...he would NEVER mess up his Pretty boy, boy scout image. He is the Perfect Man...But what about her? I feel sorry for her and YES i did feel bad when it was going on. But he just didn't...Like he was entitled! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Kathy....and this is where I am having an internal debate on whether to let xmm W know what he has been doing....She should know what he has been doing and WHO she is married to...I just feel like she is living in a dream world and has NO idea what SHE is living with. Like I said, I stopped this insanity (A), told him NO MORE LYING to her...but ya know what...he didn't care that he was lying to her, and that made me sink even lower into the earth...I really called him out on it, quite a few conversations about it...But no...he would NEVER mess up his Pretty boy, boy scout image. He is the Perfect Man...But what about her? I feel sorry for her and YES i did feel bad when it was going on. But he just didn't...Like he was entitled! I think as long as you are coming from a place where you really want the BS to know what is up, so she can make a clear decision based on who she is M to, then do it. But, careful if it is for any other reason... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beenburned Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 kathy, You make a valid point. What exactly is the purpose of a WS faking a reconciliation? You would think that a person that wants to cheat would make d-day a perfect opportunity to become free and single! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 kathy, You make a valid point. What exactly is the purpose of a WS faking a reconciliation? You would think that a person that wants to cheat would make d-day a perfect opportunity to become free and single! Let me say... and I speak from my experiences only. My xMM very much made d days happen, I believe. he would go to his BS and tell her he loved me and he wanted a D, then the cycle would start. I look back and I think he made it happen, because he had been promising me he was leaving. That way her "insane behavior", would be used as the reason to not leave at that moment. My xMM, sad to admit, just wanted both of us. And his BS has even said that to me multiple times. Link to post Share on other sites
abdo Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 You will have to pay attention to your H if : 1. Emotionally distracted/disconnected while having sex with you. However, it will be kind of you to give him some time to heal. 2. Avoid connection with you. For example, he would rather watch TV all day, play online game all day or do his own thing all day. 3. Short temper or irritable. Even when you don't say anything wrong, he wants to argue. 4. Abnormal work schedule, suddenly comes home early or late. 5. Finding reasons to sneak out or to be alone out of your sight. Link to post Share on other sites
KeepMeInMind Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Yes! Irritable! If it seems like everything you do gets on his nerves.. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 Kathy....and this is where I am having an internal debate on whether to let xmm W know what he has been doing....She should know what he has been doing and WHO she is married to...I just feel like she is living in a dream world and has NO idea what SHE is living with. Like I said, I stopped this insanity (A), told him NO MORE LYING to her...but ya know what...he didn't care that he was lying to her, and that made me sink even lower into the earth...I really called him out on it, quite a few conversations about it...But no...he would NEVER mess up his Pretty boy, boy scout image. He is the Perfect Man...But what about her? I feel sorry for her and YES i did feel bad when it was going on. But he just didn't...Like he was entitled! Unfortunately, some people do feel entitled to have both--marriage and OW. I don't know how people's conscience will allow them to live a double life like that. I don't know how they can look their spouse in the eye night after night knowing how badly they are treating their spouse. I guess some men rationalize that what their spouse doesn't know won't hurt them, and as long as they are fulfilling their role as husband and father, that should be good enough. Some men are cowards. They want to have this image of the good guy and maintain that image, even if it is false. So unfair to the spouse to be making her believe she has a marriage and husband, and it is all just a sherade. Just a false front. It's cheating the spouse out of a genuine, authentic life and the right to live her life with someone who will be faithful to her and honest to her. It's so unfair--I don't know how people can live with the guilt. You should blow that guy out of the water. It would be an act of kindness to the spouse. I hate to see people get away with pulling such a con job on these spouses. I would suggest you call her. Use a prepaid phone if you want to keep anonimity. You would be doing her a favor. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 kathy, You make a valid point. What exactly is the purpose of a WS faking a reconciliation? You would think that a person that wants to cheat would make d-day a perfect opportunity to become free and single! His purpose is because he wants both--both the marriage and the OW. And he knows if he doesn't fake a reconciliation, the wife will leave him. People stay in a marriage for a variety of reasons. Some don't want to lose their money to the wife. Some don't want to lose custody of their kids. Some don't want to look bad to others. Some want to avoid conflict and the hardship that comes from divorce. Some still have feelings for their wife and don't want to lose her, but feel entitled to have some action on the side also. Many reasons why these WSs fake a reconciliation--but basically because they are selfish and want to have it all. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 You will have to pay attention to your H if : 1. Emotionally distracted/disconnected while having sex with you. However, it will be kind of you to give him some time to heal. 2. Avoid connection with you. For example, he would rather watch TV all day, play online game all day or do his own thing all day. 3. Short temper or irritable. Even when you don't say anything wrong, he wants to argue. 4. Abnormal work schedule, suddenly comes home early or late. 5. Finding reasons to sneak out or to be alone out of your sight. Those are all true and good points. However, my xMM was home every night, had a child with him at all times he left the house, never used his cell phone to contact me, and from the VM's that the BS sent me.... sounded very wonderful and perfectly in love with her. Granted, not all MM having an A can be as sociopathic as mine... but I am sure some are. I would think it would be safe to say that since his BS has found out 15x (I think) in the last 8 years would be enough to show this guy has a serious character flaw, but apparently NOT. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 To all the BS..... Have to agree with OpenBook...her post rings very true! You hate the OW....then you use her to get information...Can't have both sides of the coin! Like she said...HE IS YOUR HUSBAND.... Can't disagree with this one no matter how hard I try!!! Hugs.... Excuse me. I need to make a clarification. I haven't read the entire thread, stopped right here. I am a fBS and while you might have some issues with some BS, I ain't one of the ones who needed an OW to tell me anything. Why the hell would I have believed anything coming out of her mouth if I didn't believe anything coming out of his? I asked her questions because I wanted to know who he bigger liar was(it was a toss up). IMHO, if you don't want to be asked questions(you generally), then don't be a witness at the scene of the explosion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 He'd run errands and be gone waaaay longer than he needed to be gone. Then he'd get mad if I asked him about it... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 He'd run errands and be gone waaaay longer than he needed to be gone. Then he'd get mad if I asked him about it... :lmao:Now this is funny. Mr. Messy would make a grocery list, ask me if I needed anything, then come back with no groceries. When I would ask he would say they didn't have what he wanted. :eek:I took you 3 hours to figure that out? I just kept writing dates and times in my journal (per my lawyers request) and when he was presented with those notes he drooled like a 7 month old teething. What is the name of this handbook? CHEATING FOR THE DUMMIES WHO ARE LAZY, UNIMAGINATIVE AND SLOW? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beenburned Posted April 1, 2012 Author Share Posted April 1, 2012 Kathy, Thank you for your honest explanation of the reason behind fake reconciliations. I personally think those long term EMA's with fake reconciliations are the lowest of the low amoung cheaters, as they are deliberately wasting the spouses life away with their SICK charade!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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