Signs of continued cheating after d-day

[Lostinlife4now]

Unfortunately, some people do feel entitled to have both--marriage and OW. I don't know how people's conscience will allow them to live a double life like that. I don't know how they can look their spouse in the eye night after night knowing how badly they are treating their spouse. I guess some men rationalize that what their spouse doesn't know won't hurt them, and as long as they are fulfilling their role as husband and father, that should be good enough. Some men are cowards. They want to have this image of the good guy and maintain that image, even if it is false. So unfair to the spouse to be making her believe she has a marriage and husband, and it is all just a sherade. Just a false front. It's cheating the spouse out of a genuine, authentic life and the right to live her life with someone who will be faithful to her and honest to her. It's so unfair--I don't know how people can live with the guilt. You should blow that guy out of the water. It would be an act of kindness to the spouse. I hate to see people get away with pulling such a con job on these spouses. I would suggest you call her. Use a prepaid phone if you want to keep anonimity. You would be doing her a favor.

 

 

Oh Kathy...thank you so much for this post.

 

This is exactly who xMM is....and it turns my stomach! She is being cheated out of an authentic life, and she DOES have the right to live her life with someone faithful...He is a phony....from the word go. He wants everyone to believe he is the perfect husband and father. Oh and by the way...he does not have a conscience...But I did, and I kicked him to the curb....big time. I always asked him "don't you feel bad with what you are doing to your Wife"? and what about your kids. They have nothing to do with this he said..HUH??? This is about me and for me....Oh I get it...narcissistic....

 

I know I would be doing her a favor...but as I was talking to a girlfriend last nite she said..You would devastate her if she knew all of this. But isn't it more devastating to know that xmm is a sneak...and she is living an absolute lie? I just don't know what to do? Xmm W is having some health issues and I don't want to put anymore on her plate! But living with him is a COMPLETE JOKE!

[Lostinlife4now]

His purpose is because he wants both--both the marriage and the OW. And he knows if he doesn't fake a reconciliation, the wife will leave him. People stay in a marriage for a variety of reasons. Some don't want to lose their money to the wife. Some don't want to lose custody of their kids. Some don't want to look bad to others. Some want to avoid conflict and the hardship that comes from divorce. Some still have feelings for their wife and don't want to lose her, but feel entitled to have some action on the side also. Many reasons why these WSs fake a reconciliation--but basically because they are selfish and want to have it all.

 

 

When I told him that his wife should know who she is married to...His response was...Well if you want to have that type of trait in your personality and rip apart a family,,,,then so be it! HUH? EXCUSE ME....weren't you the one with the family? and lying!!!! He always put shyte back on me...Like I was the deranged person....NOPE!! And I do know that in the time we were together he had an ex-girlfriend calling him also....I asked him if he had met up with her, of course he said NO....Don't believe you dude!!! That gut thing in the pit of my stomach disease!!!

 

He has always said that they are two adults parenting children in a calm, cordial household! Do I want to really mess that up? If there is no abuse or violence in the home and the home is quiet and stable (he is a conflict avoider) I really don't want to hurt his children or her! It just boggles my mind.

[wannabdone]

When I told him that his wife should know who she is married to...His response was...Well if you want to have that type of trait in your personality and rip apart a family,,,,then so be it! HUH? EXCUSE ME....weren't you the one with the family? and lying!!!! He always put shyte back on me...Like I was the deranged person....NOPE!! And I do know that in the time we were together he had an ex-girlfriend calling him also....I asked him if he had met up with her, of course he said NO....Don't believe you dude!!! That gut thing in the pit of my stomach disease!!!

 

He has always said that they are two adults parenting children in a calm, cordial household! Do I want to really mess that up? If there is no abuse or violence in the home and the home is quiet and stable (he is a conflict avoider) I really don't want to hurt his children or her! It just boggles my mind.

 

 

Isn't that something????!!!! The way some of the ppl can twist and turn things. Really, my xMM missed his calling as an attorney, for he could have made MILLIONS getting rapists and murders off scott free.

 

There were times that my xMM would tell me how I did not care about his kids and their needs. Mind you, I gave him $ numerous times, to help him buy new shoes for his kids, baseball gloves, etc. (and the list goes on and on). Why? Because I felt if I loved him, I loved his children. And his stories of no $ would break my heart. Mean while, he never once asked about my child. Its amazing how their minds work at times.

[wannabdone]

Not meant in any way to be snarky.......but it's amazing how we can delude herself about someone being a good person or their motives when we ourselves fail to see our own delusions.

 

 

I don't take that as snarky. I know how you meant it. And yes, it is amazing. I totally agree.

[beenburned]

HF,

 

Thank you for your post!!

 

I guess I didn't even consider the OW's side, of why you would want to continue an affair after many d-days. Maybe they will shed some light on it for us.

 

If the purpose of the affair is to someday be the WS's permanent partner, it looks like the WS staying after d-day should be the straw that broke the camel's back.

[William]

As a friendly reminder, the topic is about:

 

"what signs should a BW be looking for as evidence of continued cheating after a d-day?"

 

This is not an admonition to any particular poster, but rather a sharing by myself that I do read threads and sample some for relevance.

 

If it's too difficult to remain on-topic, I'd suggest starting another thread and/or just reading instead of posting. Reading is under-rated these days. Thanks!

[Owl]

To all the BS.....

 

Have to agree with OpenBook...her post rings very true!

 

You hate the OW....then you use her to get information...Can't have both sides of the coin!

 

Like she said...HE IS YOUR HUSBAND....

 

Can't disagree with this one no matter how hard I try!!!

 

Hugs....

 

For the record...I'm a former BS.

 

I don't hate OW. Don't hate any OM either, at this point not even the man my wife had an EA with several years ago. As long as he remains out of our lives, I sincerely hope he has a long and happy life. If he opts to come back into our lives...all bets are off.

 

No reason to hate any of the OW here certainly, unless they've done me some PERSONAL grievance.

 

I think that the original question may have been more intended towards how can we, as third party posters, tell when someone who comes here and posts has a spouse is still cheating on them. And specifically, how would someone from an OW/OM perspective "see" that?

 

From my fBS perspective, it ties back to what I posted before. If the OP doesn't describe a spouse who has gone or is going through withdrawl...that's my first indicator.

[KathyM]

Kathy,

 

Thank you for your honest explanation of the reason behind fake reconciliations.

 

I personally think those long term EMA's with fake reconciliations are the lowest of the low amoung cheaters, as they are deliberately wasting the spouses life away with their SICK charade!!

Well, I think all affairs are cheating the wife out of an authentic life and taking away her choices in life, and fraudulently leading her to stay in a relationship that is false, but I would agree with you that men who, after D Day, pretend to reconcile and fake a reconciliation are as cold hearted as there is.

[KathyM]

Oh Kathy...thank you so much for this post.

 

This is exactly who xMM is....and it turns my stomach! She is being cheated out of an authentic life, and she DOES have the right to live her life with someone faithful...He is a phony....from the word go. He wants everyone to believe he is the perfect husband and father. Oh and by the way...he does not have a conscience...But I did, and I kicked him to the curb....big time. I always asked him "don't you feel bad with what you are doing to your Wife"? and what about your kids. They have nothing to do with this he said..HUH??? This is about me and for me....Oh I get it...narcissistic....

 

I know I would be doing her a favor...but as I was talking to a girlfriend last nite she said..You would devastate her if she knew all of this. But isn't it more devastating to know that xmm is a sneak...and she is living an absolute lie? I just don't know what to do? Xmm W is having some health issues and I don't want to put anymore on her plate! But living with him is a COMPLETE JOKE!

I'm glad you were able to see this guy for the creep that he is, and were able to remove him from your life. That type of man really is the epitome of narcissism--does what he wants and doesn't care about the consequences for anybody else. Believe me, it would be a lot more devastating for a woman to find out years later that her husband had been cheating on her after she had invested so many years of her life in the marriage, than to be told earlier on that she was being cheated on. The longer she is left to languish in the cherade, and the longer she is lied to and deceived, the harder it will be for her. The sooner she knows the truth, the sooner she has the opportunity to make informed decisions on how she wants to live her life, and with whom. You would be doing her a favor by letting her know what her husband has been doing behind her back. Nevermind about the health issues. Unless she's suicidal, and very few people are, she should be told the truth. It's just so sad when a woman lives her life in total deception--being deceived by the one person who is supposed to be looking out for her and taking care of her. The vast majority of people would want to know if their spouse was cheating on them, so they would have the opportunity to do something about it (either leaving the marriage or starting to get their marriage on track). When they don't know what's happening, they have neither opportunity, and are being forced to unknowingly live a lie. No person should have to live like that, and when cheaters get away with it without consequences, they are more likely to continue their cheating. You should inform the wife.

[KathyM]

When I told him that his wife should know who she is married to...His response was...Well if you want to have that type of trait in your personality and rip apart a family,,,,then so be it! HUH? EXCUSE ME....weren't you the one with the family? and lying!!!! He always put shyte back on me...Like I was the deranged person....NOPE!! And I do know that in the time we were together he had an ex-girlfriend calling him also....I asked him if he had met up with her, of course he said NO....Don't believe you dude!!! That gut thing in the pit of my stomach disease!!!

 

He has always said that they are two adults parenting children in a calm, cordial household! Do I want to really mess that up? If there is no abuse or violence in the home and the home is quiet and stable (he is a conflict avoider) I really don't want to hurt his children or her! It just boggles my mind.

They're very manipulative, aren't they, in order to get what they want from both women? Amazing how a guy could think that his cheating is not hurting his wife and kids, but the truth would be. It boggles my mind too.

[KathyM]

Hmmm. A few things... because several statements concerned me.First... in bold above...

In 2010, it was the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S., accounting for 34,598 deaths.1 The overall rate was 11.3 suicide deaths per 100,000 people.1 An estimated 11 attempted suicides occur per every suicide death.

Every 14.2 minutes someone in the United States dies by suicide.

Nearly 1,000,000 people make a suicide attempt every year.

 

Now, even that aside, really, that's the only reason she shouldn't be told? In case she might be suicidal?

Your claim for her well being is flawed.

What if she has a heart condition?

Or is at high risk for stroke?

Or really any number of issues that can be exacerbated by stress.

 

I'm not saying don't tell... I'm staying don't discount the health issues and don't assume she would want to know.

"most" isn't exactly scientific, and as you can see, your gauge of measure is not exactly accurate.

What does the suicide rate have to do with infidelity? Major depression and other mental disorders are the major cause of suicide--not infidelity. I think if you were to gauge how many suicides were caused by hearing of infidelity, that number would be extremely low. People tend to be resilient. People want to live in reality and not be forced against their will to have the decisions about their own life being taken away from them by people willing to deceive them.

[Lostinlife4now]

Hmmm. A few things... because several statements concerned me.First... in bold above...

In 2010, it was the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S., accounting for 34,598 deaths.1 The overall rate was 11.3 suicide deaths per 100,000 people.1 An estimated 11 attempted suicides occur per every suicide death.

Every 14.2 minutes someone in the United States dies by suicide.

Nearly 1,000,000 people make a suicide attempt every year.

 

Now, even that aside, really, that's the only reason she shouldn't be told? In case she might be suicidal?

Your claim for her well being is flawed.

What if she has a heart condition?

Or is at high risk for stroke?

Or really any number of issues that can be exacerbated by stress.

 

I'm not saying don't tell... I'm staying don't discount the health issues and don't assume she would want to know.

"most" isn't exactly scientific, and as you can see, your gauge of measure is not exactly accurate.

 

Hi LFH!!!!

 

No, she is not suicidal....there are cancer issues....does she have it...Don't know...they don't know...been having different symptoms for over a year now and the BEST doctors have not found anything YET...But from what I have read...it has not presented itself yet....She is on anti-depressants to deal...I just don't want to put anything else on her plate.

 

I don't know if she would want to know...But if it were me...You damm well better believe I WOULD WANT TO KNOW!

[wannabdone]

Hi LFH!!!!

 

No, she is not suicidal....there are cancer issues....does she have it...Don't know...they don't know...been having different symptoms for over a year now and the BEST doctors have not found anything YET...But from what I have read...it has not presented itself yet....She is on anti-depressants to deal...I just don't want to put anything else on her plate.

 

I don't know if she would want to know...But if it were me...You damm well better believe I WOULD WANT TO KNOW!

 

 

When I told my xMM BS all of the truth, she laughed at me and mocked me. She told me I was foolish and deliusional. Since then I have tried one other time to tell her that her H keeps trying to contact me and please stop. Again, had the same behavior. She is full well under the assumption that I am calling him... which could not be farther from the truth. So sad.

[KathyM]

I was pointing out that your "very few people are suicidal" remark was inaccurate and that you are making generalizations.

Allright, let me clarify then, if my statement was misleading. Suicide is sometimes resorted to by people who are suffering from a major depression, or a major life threatening illness, or a mental disorder when they are not in their right mind. Sometimes, people use it when they feel their life is intolerable and will not improve. The chances of causing a mentally healthy spouse to commit suicide by revealing an affair are pretty slim, and if you are using that as a justification for keeping her in the dark about an affair, then you are probably doing so for your own purposes, rather than hers.

[Lostinlife4now]

They're very manipulative, aren't they, in order to get what they want from both women? Amazing how a guy could think that his cheating is not hurting his wife and kids, but the truth would be. It boggles my mind too.

 

 

I think it's called NARCISSISTIC!!!!! He is very manipulative! He always tried to turn things around on me...Whatever it was...the smallest to the biggest things!

 

He does compartmentalize VERY WELL! He is the "MAN"! lol.....And NO, he does not think cheating on his wife and kids is wrong...NOT AT ALL!!!

[Lostinlife4now]

When I told my xMM BS all of the truth, she laughed at me and mocked me. She told me I was foolish and deliusional. Since then I have tried one other time to tell her that her H keeps trying to contact me and please stop. Again, had the same behavior. She is full well under the assumption that I am calling him... which could not be farther from the truth. So sad.

 

 

Hi wannabdone.....I think this is EXACTLY how she would treat me if I did call her...Laugh at me, and tell me I was foolish and delusional. She would have the same behavior...She does have a VERY high opinion of herself...and that's ok. Somebody has to I guess. She would definitely put me down...way down.....like "ARE YOU KIDDING ME"? What in the world would he want with you? I am the Mother of his children...you mean nothing!!!

[Lostinlife4now]

I truly wasn't implying anything.

I just didn't understand because I thought I'd been clear.

I can be a permanent part of his life, and he mine without him having to leave his wife.

Marriage isn't the only acceptable outcome to a longterm committed relationship.

 

 

LFH!!!! God Bless You..that you have this attitude. Hey, if it makes you and him happy...then so be it....It takes a "special" kind of woman to be the OW.

 

Sorry about the God thing...But I do believe.

[Lostinlife4now]

Well that sucks for them. I wouldn't tell in that situation either.. but then again, I wouldn't tell in the first place. If it was going to come to light I'd let him tell.

I would want to know as well if it was me, but not everyone feels that way.

 

That wasn't my point. My point was that if she didn't know what the health issues were to say "Go ahead and tell" seemed cavalier and that a person should think it through before making that decision.

 

 

Thanks LFH for answering my posts....

[Lostinlife4now]

I'm glad you were able to see this guy for the creep that he is, and were able to remove him from your life. That type of man really is the epitome of narcissism--does what he wants and doesn't care about the consequences for anybody else. Believe me, it would be a lot more devastating for a woman to find out years later that her husband had been cheating on her after she had invested so many years of her life in the marriage, than to be told earlier on that she was being cheated on. The longer she is left to languish in the cherade, and the longer she is lied to and deceived, the harder it will be for her. The sooner she knows the truth, the sooner she has the opportunity to make informed decisions on how she wants to live her life, and with whom. You would be doing her a favor by letting her know what her husband has been doing behind her back. Nevermind about the health issues. Unless she's suicidal, and very few people are, she should be told the truth. It's just so sad when a woman lives her life in total deception--being deceived by the one person who is supposed to be looking out for her and taking care of her. The vast majority of people would want to know if their spouse was cheating on them, so they would have the opportunity to do something about it (either leaving the marriage or starting to get their marriage on track). When they don't know what's happening, they have neither opportunity, and are being forced to unknowingly live a lie. No person should have to live like that, and when cheaters get away with it without consequences, they are more likely to continue their cheating. You should inform the wife.

 

Thank you KathyM. Your posts ring Very TRUE!!! And he did get away with it...and He will cheat again! He has to....it's just the narcissism in him.

 

He or W WILL NEVER LEAVE THE MARRIAGE NO MATTER WHAT! They have small children and LIVE THE HAPPY FACADE!!! for all to see....

 

I remember back when he and his family were at a neighborhood party...and I laughed and said "WHAT"? are you playing the happy little family....It made my stomach turn...How in the hell can you be around your peers and have no conscience about what you are doing? I guess I do have a conscience....

 

Oh and I texted him...."SCUMBAG"....lol...

[KathyM]

I think it's called NARCISSISTIC!!!!! He is very manipulative! He always tried to turn things around on me...Whatever it was...the smallest to the biggest things!

 

He does compartmentalize VERY WELL! He is the "MAN"! lol.....And NO, he does not think cheating on his wife and kids is wrong...NOT AT ALL!!!

Amazing--the sense of entitlement. He wanted to keep you quiet to save his own skin, and tried to make you think you were doing HER a favor by keeping quiet.

[Lostinlife4now]

Amazing--the sense of entitlement. He wanted to keep you quiet to save his own skin, and tried to make you think you were doing HER a favor by keeping quiet.

 

 

Oh my Miss KATHY!!! You are very good!!!! Love this post! Damm, do you know xMM? Jus sayin'....you pegged him to a tee!!!!!!!

 

Ya know...that gut thing came into play again..."IS she really sick"? Hmmmm!!!!

[KathyM]

Well that sucks for them. I wouldn't tell in that situation either.. but then again, I wouldn't tell in the first place. If it was going to come to light I'd let him tell.

I would want to know as well if it was me, but not everyone feels that way.

 

That wasn't my point. My point was that if she didn't know what the health issues were to say "Go ahead and tell" seemed cavalier and that a person should think it through before making that decision.

The thing is, he WON'T tell. He has no reason to tell. If he is getting his cake and eating it too, then you can be sure he's not going to be informing the wife. And I would be very careful about assuming anything about the wife's health situation, unless you've seen the health records, you really don't know. More likely, the WS is making things up or making them seem worse than they are.

[Lostinlife4now]

The thing is, he WON'T tell. He has no reason to tell. If he is getting his cake and eating it too, then you can be sure he's not going to be informing the wife. And I would be very careful about assuming anything about the wife's health situation, unless you've seen the health records, you really don't know. More likely, the WS is making things up or making them seem worse than they are.

 

 

Oh, God, NO...He would NEVER TELL HER!!!! Mr. CONFLICT AVOIDER!!!! Oh Hell to the No......That made me laugh Kathy.....thanks...

 

But you could be right....he may be making things seem worse than what they really are...Do I believe she may be sick...yes...but how sick...don't know..and if that is the case that he is making it worse than it is so he can save his OWN ass...YUCK!!!! Because at one point I did say to him...a long time ago....Maybe your W should know what you are doing? What the hell did I ever see in him...CAN I BEND OVER AND KICK MY OWN ARSE?????

 

Like I said,,,I do feel sorry for her....If it isn't me...it WILL BE SOMEONE ELSE!!!!

 

Maybe someday...I will come clean to her...But not right now!

[KathyM]

Why wouldn't I still want to be with him? I am happy with our relationship. Why would him making a mistake and being careless and letting her find out impact the decisions I've made to be with him? Why would I care if he continues to cover it up? That's his mess.. not mine.

See, the thing is almost everyone on here seems to think that because you are in an affair, that you are going to be miserable all the time. Yes, it's hard. parts of it suck... but that's part of every relationship really.

The people in my life I am honest with. I'm not really hiding anything. Those that are important to me already know..and anyone that doesn't probably doesn't care.

You are acting on the assumption that I am somehow deluding myself into thinking he's going to leave... and I'm not. My eyes are open, I know what expectations to have and I make the conscious choice to be where I am.

Again, the supposition is being made that I have low self-esteem. I know many people in this situation do... except, I don't undervalue myself, and I have lots of respect for myself. I don't see it as being second to her, not at all. I see this as fitting in with the choices of MY life.

I should probably mention that I'm not at all religious. The religious mumbo jumbo seems to play a huge part in all this... that's not part of my equation. You can't shame or fear me with that or how my parents would feel or my friends... because um.. they already know and I'm not afraid of your god or any really.

 

In terms of the part I bolded... If he decided he wanted to end his marriage I would support that decision, but I will never ask him to, or try and coerce him to, or even encourage him to. Again that is HIS choice.

I went into this with the parameters set.

He doesn't lie to me because he doesn't have to.

I know he's still in love with his wife and that they still sleep together and have a life together.

If he lies to her through words, or actions or omissions, that's their problem.

 

 

 

 

Remember, I went into this knowing he was married and not trying to change the rules. I'm going to turn a question often asked to the OW around on you...So let me ask you this.

Since I knew all of this, why should he have to throw HER under the bus so to speak to be able to stay with me?

I already knew he was lying to her and I was ok with it.

I already knew that he was with her, and I was ok with it.

Why should her finding out cause me to say.. Ok now you have to pick?

Wouldn't THAT a little hypocritical of me?

I never said I didn't want to a permanent part of his life. We have every intention of staying that way as long as we are both drawing breath...

why shouldn't he stay married to her if it makes him happy? It's not like it would be new information for me.

I'm wondering why you would want a man with that kind of character? What good is a man with that kind of character? How could you have any respect for someone like that, or want him to be a part of your life? I just don't see the appeal that women are seeing from these guys.

[donnamaybe]

See, the thing is almost everyone on here seems to think that because you are in an affair, that you are going to be miserable all the time. Yes, it's hard. parts of it suck... but that's part of every relationship really.

I don't know about the kinds of R's you've chosen, but now that I look at my past R's I chose TERRIBLY, because there WERE parts that sucked!

 

My current R has NO parts that "suck" whatsoever.