sad puppy Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Maybe the BS's should share how the MM behaves after dday. I would like to know myself. All I know is that when my MM moved out after dday, we kept talking on Facebook, he would call from his cell and work phone. We saw each other 4x in the 4 months after he moved out. His wife checked his phone records online and found out we were speaking and freaked out. He went and got a new cell phone company. After a few months I asked him if she knew we had seen each other and he said no. So, ... He was still lying to her about it all. I will tell you, it gave me pause. I mean for god's sakes, he just wasn't owning his behavior, ever. He lied for 1.5 yrs, then they agreed to divorce amicably, then he confessed the affair, all hell broke loose, he moved out, was still in contact with me, still lying to her. Geez, what a mess. They both got lawyers, he went into IC, they started mediation. That's all I know, at this point. But just watching how poorly he has handled everything and the continued lying, and I'm sure to me too, just made me pull outta the deal. I would check the fb account, phone records to see what's up. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Maybe the BS's should share how the MM behaves after dday. I would like to know myself. All I know is that when my MM moved out after dday, we kept talking on Facebook, he would call from his cell and work phone. We saw each other 4x in the 4 months after he moved out. His wife checked his phone records online and found out we were speaking and freaked out. He went and got a new cell phone company. After a few months I asked him if she knew we had seen each other and he said no. So, ... He was still lying to her about it all. I will tell you, it gave me pause. I mean for god's sakes, he just wasn't owning his behavior, ever. He lied for 1.5 yrs, then they agreed to divorce amicably, then he confessed the affair, all hell broke loose, he moved out, was still in contact with me, still lying to her. Geez, what a mess. They both got lawyers, he went into IC, they started mediation. That's all I know, at this point. But just watching how poorly he has handled everything and the continued lying, and I'm sure to me too, just made me pull outta the deal. I would check the fb account, phone records to see what's up. My xMM was talking to me while they were going through MC. Telling me that he was doing it to "appease her" "let the waters calm down" so he could leave. He acted warm and loving. Made it a point to be a good dad again, talk to her, etc. All the while, talking to me here and there to just tell me "be patient". "you know YOU are the one I love". Geez, when I think about this and type this out...makes me sick to my stomach. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beenburned Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Thank you for your insight! Openbook, I wasn't asking about anybody's marriage. I was specifically asking the OW/FOW what they witnessed when the affair went underground after d-day. How they helped MM continue cheating, so not to arouse the suspicious BW. The words "ways/means" was to convey methods used, which most posters understood, and replied. Sid, Who were you replying to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author beenburned Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 wannabdone, Thanks! Your XMM sounds like he would do anything to continue his cake eating ways. I don't understand why people like this wouldn't prefer to be single, and do exactly what they want all the time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 wannabdone, Thanks! Your XMM sounds like he would do anything to continue his cake eating ways. I don't understand why people like this wouldn't prefer to be single, and do exactly what they want all the time. Your welcome. Anything I can ever do to help. Because he is sociopathic. He wants his family life and his side things. Because he is a jerk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 A lot of affairs that continue are taken further underground. The use of bat phones, only contacting while at work on work phones and email. I'm sure there are lots of other things, but that is all I can think of off the top of my head. I would think that checking up on someone can become obsessive and I guess after a while, the question would need to be asked if it is warranted or not or does it stem from the trauma of d day and either stop or divorce. I know for me personally I can't live with all that drama and feeling like my world could be blown apart any day. Lift is hard enough with all that. I agree. I think you have to follow your instinct...do you feel suspicious? Why? Do you feel like they are behaving strangely? Do you feel distance? Do you feel like their schedule is weird? Is something off? I think if you aren't feeling that way then it can indeed be very difficult and stressful to try to look for signs in the midst of everything being relatively okay. My philosophy is that all things in the dark eventually come to light and if I am not feeling suspicious or I don't see strange behavior....then I see no point in looking for signs. I do believe if I feel something is wrong...it probably is wrong and if I don't feel like anything is wrong, then I'm not going to look for it. Something may still be wrong...but I have to wait until I feel like it is. I can't just be looking "just in case". But yea...if I'm reconciling, that transparency has to be there because I personally refuse to do undercover work, esp if we're supposed to be reconciling. My personal standard, if God forbid I end up in that position, would be that unless I feel like things are transparent then I can't move forward. I'd also have to separate my own paranoia from the reality of the person's behavior. Sometimes it's really freakin hard...as if you don't trust them then it's a vicious cycle where you're always suspecting things, whether or not they are actually doing anything, and after a while it will stress them out too and even if they are remorseful and know it's their fault, a person can only be in that position for so long....so it's a very difficult road. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Another way you can tell is by a SMELL.....Yeah...the one on his PENIS!!! SO TRUE!!!!!!! I am dead serious about this..... I have a gf who suspected her husband was cheating....she told him to drop his pants and let her smell....if it smelled like a woman....or freshly washed...she knew! She still blows my mind to this day...... Oh and she is divorced!!!! Yea....I'm not smelling anyone's penis frankly lolll! If it has come to the point that I need to smell your penis...then I'd much rather be doing something else. As I refuse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I am curious how many MM sat down with the BS and OW to tell her its over. Did any of you do that? Or ask your WS to do so? What about lie detectors? Has anyones H's done this? Just wondering. Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Thank you for your insight! Openbook, I wasn't asking about anybody's marriage. I was specifically asking the OW/FOW what they witnessed when the affair went underground after d-day. How they helped MM continue cheating, so not to arouse the suspicious BW. The words "ways/means" was to convey methods used, which most posters understood, and replied. Sid, Who were you replying to? The post immediately above mine with all the shouting in it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 After d day. Still criticizing a spouse - asking the faithful spouse to change. Asking the faithful spouse to "lower their standards". Seriously - this is what my exH requested. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I tried to edit my previous post but 2sunny beat me to it with another post. This is what I tried to add: Edited to add: sorry I'm not and have never been an OW so this thread wasn't really directed at me. But as a fBW I would say I was on hyper-alert, so would have been much more attuned to the signs of ongoing cheating after d-day. There was some continued lying to me about communication with the OW, for a short while after d-day which nearly killed our reconciliation. It's now been 3.5 years since d-day and we are now reconciled. I am now and probably always will be more vigilant about what my fWH is up to. Blind trust has been a casualty of his infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl2 Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Not sure about afterwards but I know how xMM operated during the A. His wife didn't have a mobile, and had never used a computer in her life... if I can believe what he told me. They have always lived in a very tiny mountain village and she has not worked outside the home since she married at 17. Don't get me wrong I am not wife bashing... just saying. He is 69 and so is she. I know it sounds incredible in this day and age it is possible... but that's how he got away with it . Post A I don't know. He used her lack of knowledge of technology to further his own interests. I guess the W also has to be looking for something out of place, unsual, changes. GG Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 We do?? More than the W does, who's actually MARRIED TO and LIVING WITH the guy day in & day out for years on end?? And you ask us this after all the "You-have-no-idea-what-happens-behind-closed-doors-in-their-M" posts that get slung at OWs here???? :rolleyes: Sometimes I think you BS's persist in needling us here with your relentless questions because you can't get the truth from your own H's. They've shut you down somehow. THEY'RE THE ONES WHO SHOULD BE GIVING YOU THOSE ANSWERS!!!!! It's not up to us. We didn't marry you. HE did! Go talk to HIM!! I don't understand why you think we could give you any answers ABOUT YOUR OWN FREAKING MARRIAGE. OWN it whydon'tcha!!! To all the BS..... Have to agree with OpenBook...her post rings very true! You hate the OW....then you use her to get information...Can't have both sides of the coin! Like she said...HE IS YOUR HUSBAND.... Can't disagree with this one no matter how hard I try!!! Hugs.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Yea....I'm not smelling anyone's penis frankly lolll! If it has come to the point that I need to smell your penis...then I'd much rather be doing something else. As I refuse. Well good for you Miss Bee! Like I said she is one in a million....she did what she needed to do....I wouldn't criticize her though....That's why there are apples and oranges....Get my drift? Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 NoIDidn't, And I didn't ask this question to hurt OW either. I was truely curious, as I have never seen this addressed much, on this or other forums. I only asked it on this forum since the OW have more insight into the ways/means of MM. One statement that a friend of mine said to me in the past....IF HE CAN LIE TO HER (Bs) THEN HE WILL LIE TO YOU (Ow)! So true..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author beenburned Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Lil4now, I thought this was an open forum where each side of the triangle learns from each other. I was not aware that I couldn't ask questions of OW here. For the record, I don't hate OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Lil4now, I thought this was an open forum where each side of the triangle learns from each other. I was not aware that I couldn't ask questions of OW here. For the record, I don't hate OW. You can ask away.....But I have to agree with OPENBOOK's post..... Good for you that you don't hate the OW.... Learn...yes, I have learned enough! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepMeInMind Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Debating or bickering helps noone reading this thread. Can we get back on topic? It doesn't really matter where the answers should be coming from. This thread could help a BS see the signs of an A and address it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Debating or bickering helps noone reading this thread. Can we get back on topic? It doesn't really matter where the answers should be coming from. This thread could help a BS see the signs of an A and address it. I am not debating or bickering anything...I was just agreeing to a certain post...Nothing more, nothing less! Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 There was so much self-preserving trickle truth that a polygraph was the only way to know for sure WHEN he began telling the truth and (more importantly) if he told me all of it. There was no way I was going to even consider reconciling unless I knew he was done lying. He was indeed done with the lies and passed it with flying colors and it helped me for a little while with moving foward, but it didn't last long. The continued trickle truth after Dday really ruined it even though he's bent over backwards, been 100% transparent - the whole nine yards. The damage had already been done. I'm still contemplating what I'm going to do. I think Alice just may have told us her story...in a round about way...but her story none the less... Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Believe me, I want to spill it all but I have privacy concerns. I know the chances of anyone I know being on here is pretty slim, but I just have concerns about posting details here and there that can be put together. That makes it harder for me to ask for advice. I sometimes wonder the same thing Alice, and worry about that. But if you could give generals, etc... I know most of us would be more than happy to help you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 For OW/FOW: Since you have personally experienced an affair with a MM, what signs should a BW be looking for as evidence of continued cheating after a d-day?(either with the same OW or a different one) Lack or variable observation of consistency and spontaneous transparency. IMO, after D-day, if the fWS is committed, no doubt of their commitment should go unanswered and proactively assuaged. If other, hire a professional, get an answer and act on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepMeInMind Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I am not debating or bickering anything...I was just agreeing to a certain post...Nothing more, nothing less! That wasn't directed at anyone in particular. Sorry for the confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I think that in today's day and age it makes it almost impossible for anyone to know that someone is really still cheating. Before all of this when a WS had an A, you would know if he was seeing or talking to the OW/OM. He was at home or work. There were no cell phones, emails, fb's, app's that can keep them in contact w/o someone knowing. Heck there are even services that help you with that. This new technology combined with the loss of that innocent love and trust, is an awful mixture for M's. Not saying that they can not survive, just knowing it makes it harder. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I think that in today's day and age it makes it almost impossible for anyone to know that someone is really still cheating. Before all of this when a WS had an A, you would know if he was seeing or talking to the OW/OM. He was at home or work. There were no cell phones, emails, fb's, app's that can keep them in contact w/o someone knowing. Heck there are even services that help you with that. This new technology combined with the loss of that innocent love and trust, is an awful mixture for M's. Not saying that they can not survive, just knowing it makes it harder. The best thing any of us can do in this situation or any other in life...IS GO WITH YOUR GUT.....If your gut is telling you there is something wrong...Then 99.99999% of the time there is.....I always trust my gut feelings......Like a sixth sense.....Intuition...... I know when I was with xMM, he always had his phone attached to him...NOW, he was in the corporate world... Big Time...and was GLOBAL...so e-mails, texts, and phone calls were coming to him all hours of the day or nite. Could text him at ANYTIME...... SHE WAS NEVER ALLOWED to touch his cell-phone..It was his work phone. And he travels the WORLD constantly...so very very very easy for him to cheat..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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