My wife confessed an affair today!

[Bryanp]

If you want knowledge then talk to the OM's wife. She may give you a perspective that could be different from what you hold now. I would rather have more information than less. It is absolutely critical to make sure that you have all of the information and that your wife is not simple in damage control.

[Kidd]

If you want knowledge then talk to the OM's wife. She may give you a perspective that could be different from what you hold now. I would rather have more information than less. It is absolutely critical to make sure that you have all of the information and that your wife is not simple in damage control.

 

You haven't addressed this, HB. What are you going to do?

[LoyalHB]

Oh, I will. I need to figure how to do it without having to go through the OM. The OM's W never tried to reach me. What I am told is that she followed them as the OM was taking my W back to her car. She confronted them. The OM told his W that he was giving her a ride. The OM's W asked my WS if she was sleeping with her H, and she said no and left. That is all I have for now. But this is going to be part of a full disclosure process. My W agrees with this too.

Edited April 1, 2012 by LoyalHB

[Kidd]

Oh, I will. I need to figure how to do it without having to go through the OM. The OM W never tried to reach me. What I am told is that she followed them as the OM was taking my W back to her car. She confronted them. The OM told his W that he was giving her a ride. The OM W asked my WS if she was sleeping with her H, and she said no and left. That is all I have for now. But this is going to be part of a full disclosure process. My W agrees with this too.

 

Good. I would just caution you to be wary of what you share with your W about what you investigate. You tend to believe her now but she could easily contact the OM, find out what the OMW "knows" and thus your W and the OM can keep their stories straight. You are better served by keeping your sources confidential. It seems cloak and dagger but you are going to want to trust what you learn from these exercises and the more they are tainted by the possibility of more lies, the less value they have. Keep your wife in the dark about what you are doing. Keep in mind that in this way, she also wins when you discover nothing. I got my wife to agree to me investigating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without ever needing to disclose to her. She understood I might GPS her car, use a voice activated recorder, a keylogger on her computer and so forth. Her agreement to this went a long way and again, it was a win for her when I investigated and found nothing. A remorseful WS will get that. But if you tell her everything you will check out, she can simply take the A underground and avoid using "that" phone, "that" computer, and so forth. Again, it's going to feel crazy but the stories about affair partners being unable to maintain no contact are prevalent. You likely don't understand how muh she misses the connection she had with him and that's one thing she's really not going to share with you.

[stillafool]

Oh, I will. I need to figure how to do it without having to go through the OM. The OM's W never tried to reach me. What I am told is that she followed them as the OM was taking my W back to her car. She confronted them. The OM told his W that he was giving her a ride. The OM's W asked my WS if she was sleeping with her H, and she said no and left. That is all I have for now. But this is going to be part of a full disclosure process. My W agrees with this too.

 

Something or someone tipped OM's wife off that he was having an affair with your wife. That is why she was tracking them. I agree with Kidd, do not let your wife know about any of your investigative plans. Your wife is still going to grieve the loss of the relationship with OM and vice versa. Be ready for that because normally when things calm back down with BSs the relationship may resume between WSs.

[GG2W]

The way I see it, it is another case of a betrayed husband, who admits that he was not taking care of business at home and now most here are dumping on the WW.

 

Most of the posters are finger pointing at the WW, and ignoring the fact that this is situation that he created, without his mis-steps I doubt that she would have ever stepped over the line.

 

Get real folks, in todays world all it takes is the click of a mouse to find a new sex partner. If you don't take care of her needs at home, guys like me are waiting to fill in the gaps.

[Steen719]

The way I see it, it is another case of a betrayed husband, who admits that he was not taking care of business at home and now most here are dumping on the WW.

 

Most of the posters are finger pointing at the WW, and ignoring the fact that this is situation that he created, without his mis-steps I doubt that she would have ever stepped over the line.

 

Get real folks, in todays world all it takes is the click of a mouse to find a new sex partner. If you don't take care of her needs at home, guys like me are waiting to fill in the gaps.

 

How sad for you that you have to take another man's seconds.

[bentnotbroken]

The way I see it, it is another case of a betrayed husband, who admits that he was not taking care of business at home and now most here are dumping on the WW.

 

Most of the posters are finger pointing at the WW, and ignoring the fact that this is situation that he created, without his mis-steps I doubt that she would have ever stepped over the line.

 

Get real folks, in todays world all it takes is the click of a mouse to find a new sex partner. If you don't take care of her needs at home, guys like me are waiting to fill in the gaps.

 

 

Whether he was taking care of business or not, her response to that was to cheat. Nice. No one ignores anything about the breakdown of the marriage that is on both partners. But the cheating his her choice. No one steps over the line unless they want to. And as far a guys like you waiting to fill the gaps, there are always people or things running around in the dark looking for the things that have been dropped on the ground. It isn't something to brag about.

[ISurvived]

The way I see it, it is another case of a betrayed husband, who admits that he was not taking care of business at home and now most here are dumping on the WW.

 

Most of the posters are finger pointing at the WW, and ignoring the fact that this is situation that he created, without his mis-steps I doubt that she would have ever stepped over the line.

 

Get real folks, in todays world all it takes is the click of a mouse to find a new sex partner. If you don't take care of her needs at home, guys like me are waiting to fill in the gaps.

 

Wow, what a low life POS you are. It doesn't matter what problems there are in a home, to blame infidelity on the BS is a bunch of BS!!

 

While a BS and WS are each 50% responsible for the problems in a marriage, the WS is 100% responsible for the choice to have an A.

[2sunny]

Whether he was taking care of business or not, her response to that was to cheat. Nice. No one ignores anything about the breakdown of the marriage that is on both partners. But the cheating his her choice. No one steps over the line unless they want to. And as far a guys like you waiting to fill the gaps, there are always people or things running around in the dark looking for the things that have been dropped on the ground. It isn't something to brag about.

 

What hewas or wasn't doi g at home is beside that fact that his wife is now capable of behavior that he didn't think she was.

 

Hee character flaw. Is ahead dressing WHY she did it - is SHE taking steps to fix what is broken inside her so much that she cheated?

 

And too bad time is passing without theMM's wife's input - more time for the MM to do damage control and her original version to be skewed by him.

[whichwayisup]

The way I see it, it is another case of a betrayed husband, who admits that he was not taking care of business at home and now most here are dumping on the WW.

 

Most of the posters are finger pointing at the WW, and ignoring the fact that this is situation that he created, without his mis-steps I doubt that she would have ever stepped over the line.

 

Get real folks, in todays world all it takes is the click of a mouse to find a new sex partner. If you don't take care of her needs at home, guys like me are waiting to fill in the gaps.

 

At least you're honest with your intentions. Though, just know that what goes around comes around - You could very well be on the end of a pissed off fist.

[bentnotbroken]

At least you're honest with your intentions. Though, just know that what goes around comes around - You could very well be on the end of a pissed off fist.

 

 

I was thinking a well placed steel toed boot.

[2sunny]

I've seen so many lying WS throw pity parties on message boards and you can see the true remorse just isn't there no matter how hard they "punish" themselves.

 

The WS beating themselves up is just another form of selfishness. It continues to make it all about them instead of the BS.

 

Yep - some WS pull out tears and crying to try to g the BS to feel sorry for them...and also to try and get the BS to feel deep, deep down that maybe, just maybe it wasn't all the flat of the WS.

 

It irks me - if they cheated - then they just flat out cheated! IF and when they even considered cheating for a second - they had the real possibility to tell their spouse exactly what fine line they were considering crossing. But then again, THAT would also require honesty. Something most WS don't portray.

[The Blue Knight]

I hear a lot of suggestions for getting to the real truth but I will never be really sure of anything, I don't think there is a full proof way of knowing short of water boarding. This whole thing is pretty exhausting and I don't feel like going into a full blown fact finding mission when in the end I will still have my doubts. She has been crying her eyes out for two days straight and seems to understand that she really ****ed things up.

 

I understand the cynicism on the part of the majority but I should say that we have known each other since HS, we have pretty much grown up with each other, we raised two beautiful daughters and other that this mess, she has been the best mother you can imagine. She put me through school and has always put herself second to accommodate my needs.

 

I am not justifying her behavior, if anything it makes it more shocking and unexpected, but I feel like I owe a lot to this woman. I am inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt on her confession, but I will always wonder.

 

As to the marriage, I don't know yet. I don't know if I can live with her knowing what I know. I will get my financial affairs in order and start planning for a possible divorce where I am likely to loose a lot, especially if we have to undersell the house in this ****ty market.

 

Thanks for the comments.

 

As for the charge of "troll", I don't know what to tell you. I have never posted here and I am not a native speaker. I'm doing my best. Sorry if some things come out a little juvenile. Being 49 makes the prospect of a divorce and rebuilding of my life a little daunting to me. I wish I were still a kid.

LoyalHB, sorry about your situation. You just got some news that none of us who are married ever want to hear. What you're going to discover here are a multitude of opinions on your situation, but in the end . . . your opinion is the only one that counts.

 

The pattern I've seen now for several months seem to fall into generally two camps:

 

1. The 100% Absolutists who will tell you to dump her, she cheated on you. Kick her to the curb and end it! There's no room for forgiveness, discussion, or tolerance under any circumstances. This approach is pretty much black and white without much room for gray.

 

2. The 100% Conditionalists who will tell you to try to establish if your wife has a pattern of this type of behavior, or if this is a one time affair? And assuming there is limited damage to the marriage, can you as the betrayed party find a way to love and respect her after what she's done? Assuming you can, then can you work toward fighting to save the marriage, assuming she wants the same? This approach has considerably more gray.

 

It appears your wife confessed for the wrong reasons. If I understood you correctly, she was discovered by the other man's wife so she essentially believed she was going to be found out by you and decided to come clean. Would she have otherwise? Probably not. At least not at this point in the affair.

 

How much of the truth she's told you I don't know, but in all likelihood there is more that she hasn't. She's only owning up to what she was CAUGHT DOING. As Nemo advised, perhaps you might want to talk to the other man's wife and see what she has come to learn. Be prepared psychologically, there may indeed be much more and that's going to be a bitter pill to swallow.

 

Whether your wife is creating excuses for the affair or not, it's hard to say based on the content of your post. Wives who are ignored or feel overlooked, or unappreciated by their husbands, often will fall into the first emotional connection that comes their way. I guess you have to determine if you were so busy with other things in your life, was it plausible that your wife would feel that way? It's not an excuse mind you for what she did.

 

You said a lot of good things about your wife and what type of person she has been over nearly three decades. You stated you have 27 good years. Keep in mind that there are individuals here offering advise such as dumping your wife who haven't even lived 27 years!! Take that into consideration when you're reading some of the opinions posted here.

 

In the days to come you'll need to tell her that you desire the entire truth in order to move forward (if that's what you decide to do). You'll need to then determine as best you can what the truth is, and from there decide how honest she's being with you. Keep in mind that most wayward spouses tell you what they think they HAVE TO TELL YOU and often try to marginalize details and hold back that which will hurt the betrayed spouse the most. Be prepared for that.

 

I've been a victim of a cheating spouse (two decades ago) as have others here. Many of us can give you insights based on firsthand experience. Some of us saved our marriages after the affair and went on to have very successful marriages as a result, and others tried, but couldn't save their marriages. A lot depends on where you and your wife are at, and it depends a great deal on whether this is an isolated event, or whether she's a serial cheater who has a history of this, but you're just becoming aware of it for the first time.

 

Finally, try to keep it cool and don't blow your lid when you find things out. I know that's tough but if you flip out, it won't help you win her back if that is indeed your goal. You have a right to be angry but don't do anything dumb that will get you in trouble with the authorities.

Edited April 2, 2012 by The Blue Knight

[2sunny]

See that's the mindset that seems backwards. The OP is considering "winning his cheating wife back"?

 

His cheating wife should be doing anything and everything to "win back" her fitful husband!!!

 

Sheez. Even if he ends up with her - it's difficult to ever see any of the end results as anything even close to a "win" in ANY fashion.

[2.50 a gallon]

Actually GG2W is sending out a warning and telling it like it is

 

I am tired of forever seeing "Cheating is never OK".

 

Get real people. Over 75 percent of our marriages will eventually lead to a divorce.

 

All too many times I have seen the husband get screwed while trying his darndest to make it work.

 

But, about half of the time I have seen that is was the husbands actions, like in Loyals situation, that led to his wife cheating.

 

From what I have seen in life sometimes this is the only recourse a wife has to wake her husband up. Notice that he did not notice anything was awry until she confessed. Which tells me that he never would have changed his actions until she finally stepped out on him

 

From where I see things, Loyal is trying to punish her for his mistakes. He is not taking any responsiblity for his actions which endangered their marriage. He pushed her into stepping over the line. And by telling him Cheating is never OK, you are in effect enabling him to not make changes.

 

To not properly see to you spouses needs, is like leaving your infant in the car seat, with the car running and the keys in the ignition, while you run into the store, and then crying fowl when somebody drives off in your car.

[findingnemo]

LoyalHB, sorry about your situation. You just got some news that none of us who are married ever want to hear. What you're going to discover here are a multitude of opinions on your situation, but in the end . . . your opinion is the only one that counts.

 

The pattern I've seen now for several months seem to fall into generally two camps:

 

1. The 100% Absolutists who will tell you to dump her, she cheated on you. Kick her to the curb and end it! There's no room for forgiveness, discussion, or tolerance under any circumstances. This approach is pretty much black and white without much room for gray.

 

2. The 100% Conditionalists who will tell you to try to establish if your wife has a pattern of this type of behavior, or if this is a one time affair? And assuming there is limited damage to the marriage, can you as the betrayed party find a way to love and respect her after what she's done? Assuming you can, then can you work toward fighting to save the marriage, assuming she wants the same? This approach has considerably more gray.

 

It appears your wife confessed for the wrong reasons. If I understood you correctly, she was discovered by the other man's wife so she essentially believed she was going to be found out by you and decided to come clean. Would she have otherwise? Probably not. At least not at this point in the affair.

 

How much of the truth she's told you I don't know, but in all likelihood there is more that she hasn't. She's only owning up to what she was CAUGHT DOING. As Nemo advised, perhaps you might want to talk to the other man's wife and see what she has come to learn. Be prepared psychologically, there may indeed be much more and that's going to be a bitter pill to swallow.

 

Whether your wife is creating excuses for the affair or not, it's hard to say based on the content of your post. Wives who are ignored or feel overlooked, or unappreciated by their husbands, often will fall into the first emotional connection that comes their way. I guess you have to determine if you were so busy with other things in your life, was it plausible that your wife would feel that way? It's not an excuse mind you for what she did.

 

You said a lot of good things about your wife and what type of person she has been over nearly three decades. You stated you have 27 good years. Keep in mind that there are individuals here offering advise such as dumping your wife who haven't even lived 27 years!! Take that into consideration when you're reading some of the opinions posted here.

 

In the days to come you'll need to tell her that you desire the entire truth in order to move forward (if that's what you decide to do). You'll need to then determine as best you can what the truth is, and from there decide how honest she's being with you. Keep in mind that most wayward spouses tell you what they think they HAVE TO TELL YOU and often try to marginalize details and hold back that which will hurt the betrayed spouse the most. Be prepared for that.

 

I've been a victim of a cheating spouse (two decades ago) as have others here. Many of us can give you insights based on firsthand experience. Some of us saved our marriages after the affair and went on to have very successful marriages as a result, and others tried, but couldn't save their marriages. A lot depends on where you and your wife are at, and it depends a great deal on whether this is an isolated event, or whether she's a serial cheater who has a history of this, but you're just becoming aware of it for the first time.

 

Finally, try to keep it cool and don't blow your lid when you find things out. I know that's tough but if you flip out, it won't help you win her back if that is indeed your goal. You have a right to be angry but don't do anything dumb that will get you in trouble with the authorities.

 

^^^^^This!!!!

 

LoyalHB,

 

While I think you need to take your time making up your mind, I feel you need to talk to OM's W pronto. Ask your W for the OM's home phone number. Of course she may contact him to get their stories straight but believe me, it won't work. Once you talk to OM's W, you'll be closer to the truth whether it is that they had sex or that they didn't quite get there.

 

A couple of posters have clearly stated that you are in denial of your role in all this. I wouldn't put it that strongly. Instead I agree with TBK that considering your description of your W and how she's been for 27 years, you need to find out what she thinks you did and why she was able to get tempted to cheat. If you do this, you will get her side of the story (whether reality or fantasy) and you will know better whether you can both work this out or not. She will fudge, will delay giving you her reasons - it's almost standard. But if you keep insisting she will tell you.

 

It's only with this information that you will be a step closer to determining what kind of person your W has become. A serial cheater or someone who stupidly decided not to deal with issues in her M and thus allowed herself (it was her choice) to go down the path of a A.

[Kidd]

Actually GG2W is sending out a warning and telling it like it is

 

I am tired of forever seeing "Cheating is never OK".

 

Get real people. Over 75 percent of our marriages will eventually lead to a divorce.

 

All too many times I have seen the husband get screwed while trying his darndest to make it work.

 

But, about half of the time I have seen that is was the husbands actions, like in Loyals situation, that led to his wife cheating.

 

From what I have seen in life sometimes this is the only recourse a wife has to wake her husband up. Notice that he did not notice anything was awry until she confessed. Which tells me that he never would have changed his actions until she finally stepped out on him

 

From where I see things, Loyal is trying to punish her for his mistakes. He is not taking any responsiblity for his actions which endangered their marriage. He pushed her into stepping over the line. And by telling him Cheating is never OK, you are in effect enabling him to not make changes.

 

To not properly see to you spouses needs, is like leaving your infant in the car seat, with the car running and the keys in the ignition, while you run into the store, and then crying fowl when somebody drives off in your car.

 

If he is to be believed, GG2W is a male stripper who happily sleeps with married women all the time. If you want to be in his camp, go right ahead.

 

People that are married made a vow to stay faithful to their spouse. They made an agreement and expect their spouse to do the same. If you have a grievance with your spouse, negotiate it out or leave. You don't get to deceptively disregard your end of the contract and then expect the other party to keep up their end of the bargain. And that's just basic business ethics.

 

When we do this with people and it is the rest of their lives that hang in the balance, it's not just an ethical violation. It's downright cruel, heartless, and cowardly. You want to screw somebody over and have them smile about it.

[stillafool]

The way I see it, it is another case of a betrayed husband, who admits that he was not taking care of business at home and now most here are dumping on the WW.

 

Most of the posters are finger pointing at the WW, and ignoring the fact that this is situation that he created, without his mis-steps I doubt that she would have ever stepped over the line.

 

Get real folks, in todays world all it takes is the click of a mouse to find a new sex partner. If you don't take care of her needs at home, guys like me are waiting to fill in the gaps.

 

 

If there are problems within a marriage the solution is not to go out an f-*k other people. Smart adults talk about their problems, get marriage counseling or have a family member or clergy mediate. Lying, cheating and adultery is not the answer to solving marital problems. A spouse who chooses that route is lower than a snake in my book. If you find someone else that you want to be with while your married, tell the truth to your spouse and get a damn divorce. Some people are just cowards.

[nofool4u]

Loyal HB please give her another chance. I'm a WW and scared to death of losing my H n family. I love them and never want to lose them. People who betray do it because their flawed and in a fog and don't see the good in what they have. The A makes you feel young and alive but it's not real.

 

Its of my opinion that everyone would do well to leave a cheater. Does that mean I won't support someone if they don't, absolutely not. If someone does decide to stay with a cheater, then said cheater needs to start acting like a spouse, and they should accept that they should no longer have the freedom to do things where cheating is more commonplace (i.e. going to bars/clubs, out for drinks with "the girls" or "the guys", weekend getaways without spouses, etc)

 

And no, this isn't being controlling. This is a spouse expecting the other spouse to act like they have a wife/husband. They aren't single any longer and should quit trying to act like they are.

 

 

And how sad of the posters here telling me to fess up but then saying never stand by a cheater. That's a real eye opener....

 

Yes, it is of my opinion that one would do well to leave a cheater. You are an example of this. You are going to continue to lie to your husband, therefore, you aren't working on your M 100% like you say. He is being deceived above and beyond your cheating.

 

But if they are to stay, then they need to respect their spouse and tell them the truth. If you don't want to be truthful, then you have no business being married.

[RickFox]

Actually GG2W is sending out a warning and telling it like it is

 

I am tired of forever seeing "Cheating is never OK".

 

Get real people. Over 75 percent of our marriages will eventually lead to a divorce.

 

All too many times I have seen the husband get screwed while trying his darndest to make it work.

 

But, about half of the time I have seen that is was the husbands actions, like in Loyals situation, that led to his wife cheating.

 

From what I have seen in life sometimes this is the only recourse a wife has to wake her husband up. Notice that he did not notice anything was awry until she confessed. Which tells me that he never would have changed his actions until she finally stepped out on him

 

From where I see things, Loyal is trying to punish her for his mistakes. He is not taking any responsiblity for his actions which endangered their marriage. He pushed her into stepping over the line. And by telling him Cheating is never OK, you are in effect enabling him to not make changes.

 

To not properly see to you spouses needs, is like leaving your infant in the car seat, with the car running and the keys in the ignition, while you run into the store, and then crying fowl when somebody drives off in your car.

 

No cheating is not OK, you don't put blame on the other person in the relationship and use that as an excuse to wake them up and see the errors they have committed in their relationship. If I used that as an excuse and told my wife that's why I stepped out, I'd be seeing my daughter on a visitation schedule.

 

It's called communication, and if they can't do that, if they can't talk about their problems and issues and attempt to make changes then they need to let each other go, WITHOUT cheating. You chose to be in a committed relationship, so either stay in it and be committed or leave and chase after all the tail you want.

[nofool4u]

She insists they didn't go all the way. She says she wasn't ready to take that step.

 

She is lying. This is nothing but a half truth to cover up the entire lie. That way she thinks you will see it as her being truthful, and that if you think they didn't have sex you can forgive her easier.

 

But she is still lying.

 

 

I only know that I am not ready to make any kind of decision right now.

 

And thats fine, take your time if you need. Work on yourself. Nothing is more useful than taking all your anger and emotions and working out. Not only is it a healthy way to help diminish the pain and anger, but you'd be amazed how much you can do at the gym working all that off.

 

And that way if you do decide to leave her, you'll be very marketable for all the GOOD women out there.

[nofool4u]

And this is LoyalHB thread and I wish him happiness. I won't hijack this thread but I hope he will read the threads of WS so he can understand how other people ended up in an A.

 

It matters not how they ended up in an affair. What matters is it happened.

 

The "whys" are nothing but blameshifting.

[GG2W]

Stillafool

 

I have a questiion for you

 

Let us take the case of one of my dear friends. Married for over 20 years, after the birth of their third child his wife announced that sex was only for procreation and being as she was finished at having babies she totally shut of his sex life.

 

MC, IC, church counseling, several doctors, clergy, her parents and friends were not able to even make a dent in her stand for a sexless marriage.

 

After several years my friend did consider going down the divorce road.

 

But plain and simple he could not afford it. The wife is a SAHM and contributes zero into the family finances. He would end up being responsible for two homes, plus paying her child support and alimony.

 

That and he too loves his children deeply and is putting large amounts of treasure away for their college days, and there would be no monies what so ever to put in their college funds.

 

Add into the factor the man is a big time outdoors man, big on hunting and shooting and as such has a very large collection of firearms of all types and calibers.

 

After several years and several ten of thousands of dollars with no results it was a chuch counseler who finally put foward the idea that he should find another source for taking care of his lobido.

 

My question is what else was the man to do? He some how had toed the line for years, but the situation was never going to change.

 

He could not afford a divorce.

 

Would you want a man with large collection of firearms, and living with an above average lobido that had not found relief in years living in your neighborhood?

[nofool4u]

As for having sex with the OM, she was on a slippery slope towards it. Even though she might have tried to go slow for whatever reasons, the relationship was becoming ever more sexual and it would have gotten there anyway.

 

Which, IMO, is just as good as if she did have sex with him. She wanted it.

 

 

The fact they didn't have sex is just a timing accident.

 

But they did have sex. I'd be good money on it.

 

 

So in my approach to this mess, I am proceeding as if she had sex.

 

Good idea. Because like you said, assuming they didn't have sex, they would have if the opportune moment came along.

 

 

She has answered all questions in detail. She takes 100% of the blame, as it should be, and continues to display remorse and shame. She will start seeing a MC and is going along with the NC and a full scrutiny of all of her moves and an accounting of all the calls to and from the OM during the A.

 

And if you decide to stay, then her behavior above is the least she needs to display. Also, she needs to realize she should lose some freedoms. Because she f****d that up. Did she go out on girls nights out? Bars/clubs? What were the circumstances when she was able to be alone with this guy?