My wife confessed an affair today!

[SandieBeach]

Loyal HB please give her another chance. I'm a WW and scared to death of losing my H n family. I love them and never want to lose them. People who betray do it because their flawed and in a fog and don't see the good in what they have. The A makes you feel young and alive but it's not real. And how sad of the posters here telling me to fess up but then saying never stand by a cheater. That's a real eye opener....

 

That's a great point! I never caught this before. I do want to point out that many of us who advise you to be honest do so because we believe it's the only way to move on.

[The Blue Knight]

See that's the mindset that seems backwards. The OP is considering "winning his cheating wife back"?

 

His cheating wife should be doing anything and everything to "win back" her fitful husband!!!

 

Sheez. Even if he ends up with her - it's difficult to ever see any of the end results as anything even close to a "win" in ANY fashion.

 

Sunny, from what the OP is posting (limited at this point) it appears his wife is a first time offender. Assuming that's true, something creates a breaking point in the marriage bond when someone cheats. I'm eliminating serial cheaters from this posting because they are chronic narcissists who have a much deeper problem than slipping into a one-time affair.

 

The fact is, if his wife has been a loyal spouse all these years until now, then something in their marriage went astray. Either he began taking her for granted and decided she wasn't worth his "quality time" in recent years or she perceived problems between the two of them. The OP may not even be aware of it his part (if he in fact bears any responsibility). This is what they have to sort through if they want to save the marriage.

 

When I was much younger, I viewed marital affairs as you do. It's all or nothing. I was young and newly married. But that's just not real life. What the OP is posting here isn't a marriage that's one year old and the husband just found out his wife had three affairs during that time. I would agree in that case . . . kick her to the curb and get out NOW while you can.

 

This is a 27 year marriage. That's nearly half a lifetime.

 

IF this is the only slip up and it's isolated, then yes, of course he may want to save his marriage. People who are normally monogamous cheat for a reason. It may not be a good reason, but in the mind of the cheater that's all it might take to push them in the wrong direction.

 

And yes, you can find a "win" if the two can come back to a stronger than before marriage bond. Marriages that are torpedoed like this can ONLY survive if both people in the marriage still love one another enough to try to save it.

 

Simple analogy . . . it's not any different that a car that is struck in the fender. Maybe it's been a great car and now it has this small unsightly flaw. It's salvageable and can be like new again IF you choose to fix it. A car that's totalled (repeat serial cheater) is an entirely different situation. Take the cash and walk away.

 

Too many people here are concerned with assigning blame not realizing that there are instances where spouses stray for some reason. I'm not endorsing the behavior. I just happen to understand human behavior well enough to realize it happens. The OP has to decide from this point.

[nofool4u]

And how sad of the posters here telling me to fess up but then saying never stand by a cheater. That's a real eye opener....

 

That's a great point! I never caught this before. I do want to point out that many of us who advise you to be honest do so because we believe it's the only way to move on.

 

There is nothing to "catch".

 

BC is the perfect example of WHY someone says they can't trust a cheater. Because she will continue to lie to her H. So what is there to trust with someone that continues to lie. OP is wondering about "trust" and if he can regain it with his wife. And then you have BC that gives a perfect example, because most cheaters, like her, can't be trusted because they continue to lie.

 

So she doesn't get her own irony here. The reason most advise against staying with cheaters is because of trust, and she is proving us right.

[The Blue Knight]

No cheating is not OK, you don't put blame on the other person in the relationship and use that as an excuse to wake them up and see the errors they have committed in their relationship. If I used that as an excuse and told my wife that's why I stepped out, I'd be seeing my daughter on a visitation schedule.

 

It's called communication, and if they can't do that, if they can't talk about their problems and issues and attempt to make changes then they need to let each other go, WITHOUT cheating. You chose to be in a committed relationship, so either stay in it and be committed or leave and chase after all the tail you want.

I would agree RF, but the problem is both sides don't always communicate. How many people have posted on loveshack about trying to talk to their husbands or wives and they get squat back in the way of a response. Or they ask their spouse to attend couples counseling with them and the other spouse isn't interested. In the ideal situation, both spouses communicate their feelings openly so as to prevent things like affairs from occurring. But most marriages aren't ideal.

[The Blue Knight]

Stillafool

 

I have a questiion for you

 

Let us take the case of one of my dear friends. Married for over 20 years, after the birth of their third child his wife announced that sex was only for procreation and being as she was finished at having babies she totally shut of his sex life.

 

MC, IC, church counseling, several doctors, clergy, her parents and friends were not able to even make a dent in her stand for a sexless marriage.

 

After several years my friend did consider going down the divorce road.

 

But plain and simple he could not afford it. The wife is a SAHM and contributes zero into the family finances. He would end up being responsible for two homes, plus paying her child support and alimony.

 

That and he too loves his children deeply and is putting large amounts of treasure away for their college days, and there would be no monies what so ever to put in their college funds.

 

Add into the factor the man is a big time outdoors man, big on hunting and shooting and as such has a very large collection of firearms of all types and calibers.

 

After several years and several ten of thousands of dollars with no results it was a chuch counseler who finally put foward the idea that he should find another source for taking care of his lobido.

 

My question is what else was the man to do? He some how had toed the line for years, but the situation was never going to change.

 

He could not afford a divorce.

 

Would you want a man with large collection of firearms, and living with an above average lobido that had not found relief in years living in your neighborhood?

 

Money, gun collections, and kids are not a reason to stay in an unhappy and unsatisfactory marriage. She violated the marriage contract by announcing sex was coming to a grinding halt. At that point he's well within his grounds for a divorce. Give up some of what you have, and move on with less. Explain to the kids when they get older what you had to deal with. Then, find a woman who you can be happy with.

[Meatballsmom]

TBK

 

I am not a gun person, frankly they scare me.

 

From the few words that GG2W has posted I suspect that his friend is a very dedicated family man and very much enjoys his family life.

 

For him to divorce sounds like a possible very scary situation. To go from a good living to living in the poor house, and no doubt he would be lucky to see his children 50 percent of the time. A very stressful scenario. And the man has guns.

 

He could be a ticking time bomb that could go off at any time.

 

In my state, I have noticed that at least once a month, somebody gets over stressed and goes on a shooting spree.

 

Remember what happened last month in Afghanistan.

 

And then we read the comments, I never would have guessed he could do such a thing.

 

Are there any cheap places to live in your home town, perhaps he could move there.

[whichwayisup]

Stillafool

 

I have a questiion for you

 

Let us take the case of one of my dear friends. Married for over 20 years, after the birth of their third child his wife announced that sex was only for procreation and being as she was finished at having babies she totally shut of his sex life.

 

MC, IC, church counseling, several doctors, clergy, her parents and friends were not able to even make a dent in her stand for a sexless marriage.

 

After several years my friend did consider going down the divorce road.

 

But plain and simple he could not afford it. The wife is a SAHM and contributes zero into the family finances. He would end up being responsible for two homes, plus paying her child support and alimony.

 

That and he too loves his children deeply and is putting large amounts of treasure away for their college days, and there would be no monies what so ever to put in their college funds.

 

Add into the factor the man is a big time outdoors man, big on hunting and shooting and as such has a very large collection of firearms of all types and calibers.

 

After several years and several ten of thousands of dollars with no results it was a chuch counseler who finally put foward the idea that he should find another source for taking care of his lobido.

 

My question is what else was the man to do? He some how had toed the line for years, but the situation was never going to change.

 

He could not afford a divorce.

 

Would you want a man with large collection of firearms, and living with an above average lobido that had not found relief in years living in your neighborhood?

 

Then he tells his wife, since we have no sex life anymore, I don't plan on being a born again virgin for the rest of my life. I'm sorry and I dont want to hurt you but if we aren't divorcing, then I am going to find someone to fulfill my needs sexually. An open marriage can happen.

 

BOlded part..You saying that a grown man who hasn't had sex can't control his urges to play with guns??? WTF.

[2sunny]

Sunny, from what the OP is posting (limited at this point) it appears his wife is a first time offender. Assuming that's true, something creates a breaking point in the marriage bond when someone cheats. I'm eliminating serial cheaters from this posting because they are chronic narcissists who have a much deeper problem than slipping into a one-time affair.

 

The fact is, if his wife has been a loyal spouse all these years until now, then something in their marriage went astray. Either he began taking her for granted and decided she wasn't worth his "quality time" in recent years or she perceived problems between the two of them. The OP may not even be aware of it his part (if he in fact bears any responsibility). This is what they have to sort through if they want to save the marriage.

 

When I was much younger, I viewed marital affairs as you do. It's all or nothing. I was young and newly married. But that's just not real life. What the OP is posting here isn't a marriage that's one year old and the husband just found out his wife had three affairs during that time. I would agree in that case . . . kick her to the curb and get out NOW while you can.

 

This is a 27 year marriage. That's nearly half a lifetime.

 

IF this is the only slip up and it's isolated, then yes, of course he may want to save his marriage. People who are normally monogamous cheat for a reason. It may not be a good reason, but in the mind of the cheater that's all it might take to push them in the wrong direction.

 

And yes, you can find a "win" if the two can come back to a stronger than before marriage bond. Marriages that are torpedoed like this can ONLY survive if both people in the marriage still love one another enough to try to save it.

 

Simple analogy . . . it's not any different that a car that is struck in the fender. Maybe it's been a great car and now it has this small unsightly flaw. It's salvageable and can be like new again IF you choose to fix it. A car that's totalled (repeat serial cheater) is an entirely different situation. Take the cash and walk away.

 

Too many people here are concerned with assigning blame not realizing that there are instances where spouses stray for some reason. I'm not endorsing the behavior. I just happen to understand human behavior well enough to realize it happens. The OP has to decide from this point.

 

I understand. I never said leave her. I too, know what it's like to spend that amount of time with one man.

 

I said find more info - more of what she had going on. That way he will know more of what may or may not have been happening with his wife.

 

Since his wife blames part of this on "being bored" and not working - she needs to work, and work a lot!

 

I'm not going to jump to blaming the OP yet, in any way, as he doesn't yet know enough of what was going on with his wife yet to understand her side of what she experienced. Either way- since she cheated- it was hers to tell him that she was bored and fishing for some excitement in her life, and she didn't.

 

There is much that the OP may or may not learn moving forward...my hope is that he gathers info that helps him understand what happened. So far - he hasn't been very forthcoming here...

 

I do agree - IF there are areas of the M that could have been stronger and they weren't - it's time to address what those areas are and start doing some work to change. But IF she just cheated because she was "bored" that is a huge problem. He can't keep his wife from becoming bored at any given moment - and he can't babysit her so she doesn't find trouble again.

 

But the cheating IS like a drug - a new high- and now she's had a taste of it - and now she may seek out her new high again after the dust settles. That is a concern... Who knows what basis her core character is running on now that she cheated? We don't know.

 

These are things the OP needs to find out and he needs to see what he's willing or not willing to do about this mess.

 

I'm here to help... It's hard to be helpful when there's not much info to work from.

 

Best suggestion is for him to take good care of himself and his best interest without settling on handing over his peace of mind just to have her back.

 

He needs his self respect in all this... Because in the end - it helps us to stay proud of ourselves when things are kinda crummy!

 

Bottom line from my perspective is that the OP shouldn't blame himself - not at this point yet anyway - his wife is the one who should own what SHE did! That is the first step!

[The Blue Knight]

TBK

 

I am not a gun person, frankly they scare me.

 

From the few words that GG2W has posted I suspect that his friend is a very dedicated family man and very much enjoys his family life.

 

For him to divorce sounds like a possible very scary situation. To go from a good living to living in the poor house, and no doubt he would be lucky to see his children 50 percent of the time. A very stressful scenario. And the man has guns.

 

He could be a ticking time bomb that could go off at any time.

 

In my state, I have noticed that at least once a month, somebody gets over stressed and goes on a shooting spree.

 

Remember what happened last month in Afghanistan.

 

And then we read the comments, I never would have guessed he could do such a thing.

 

Are there any cheap places to live in your home town, perhaps he could move there.

 

MBM, I seriously doubt that he'd end up in the poor house. Strikes me as a slight exaggeration. What you typically have in these situations are people who want it all but they aren't willing to give up anything. They become so materialistic that they can't entertain the idea of divorce even when it's the best thing. And you can be a good family man, love your kids and still seek a divorce (when it's reasonably called for).

 

I happen to believe in marriage and I don't find divorce tasteful in most situations. But if my wife came home and announced "sex is over as of today" with no chance of resolving it, I'd give up the big house, and the lifestyle, and the dual income, and I'd move on to someone who shared my idea of what marriage is all about.

 

The "gun part" and "ticking time-bomb" I have to admit I find rather humorous. So if there's a gun in the house and the situation becomes stressful it leads to homicidal mayhem? Come on!

 

I have 8 handguns and 3 shotguns / rifles. None are for hunting incidentally. Should I bury them in the backyard if I find myself in a stressful household?

 

There are 100 ways to kill a person without a firearm. Firearms just make it a little bit easier. Nothing more.

[The Blue Knight]

I understand. I never said leave her. I too, know what it's like to spend that amount of time with one man.

 

I said find more info - more of what she had going on. That way he will know more of what may or may not have been happening with his wife.

 

Since his wife blames part of this on "being bored" and not working - she needs to work, and work a lot!

 

I'm not going to jump to blaming the OP yet, in any way, as he doesn't yet know enough of what was going on with his wife yet to understand her side of what she experienced. Either way- since she cheated- it was hers to tell him that she was bored and fishing for some excitement in her life, and she didn't.

 

There is much that the OP may or may not learn moving forward...my hope is that he gathers info that helps him understand what happened. So far - he hasn't been very forthcoming here...

 

I do agree - IF there are areas of the M that could have been stronger and they weren't - it's time to address what those areas are and start doing some work to change. But IF she just cheated because she was "bored" that is a huge problem. He can't keep his wife from becoming bored at any given moment - and he can't babysit her so she doesn't find trouble again.

 

But cheating IS like a drug - a new high- and now she's had a taste of it - and now she may seek out her new high again after the dust settles. That is a concern... Who knows what basis her core character is running on now that she cheated? We don't know.

 

These are things the OP needs to find out and he needs to see what he's willing or not willing to do about this mess.

 

I'm here to help... It's hard to be helpful when there's not much info to work from.

 

Best suggestion is for him to take good care of himself and his best interest without settling on handing over his peace of mind just to have her back.

 

He needs his self respect in all this... Because in the end - it helps us to stay proud of ourselves when things are kinda crummy!

 

Bottom line from my perspective is that the OP shouldn't blame himself - not at this point yet anyway - his wife is the one who should own what SHE did! That is the first step!

I agree with pretty much all that you wrote sunny. Please note my happy face this time. :)

 

Cheating can be like a drug. It's a huge high. Probably better than anything you can stick up your nose. Is it addicting for some? Yep. Is it addicting for all? Nope. Some will be happy to come right back to a healthy marriage and learn their lesson from what nearly cost them their marriage and their happiness. Determining who she is over the coming months / years is what's important.

 

My ex wasn't a serial cheater. But she had a lot of personal issues which led her to cheat twice, three years apart. She had depression issues, and a lot of baggage from childhood. She had a relationship problem with her dad and in both circumstances sought out slightly older men. The marriage counselor believed it was something about needing to make amends with her father. He said that women like her leave their marriage for the older man, then one morning, wake up, roll over and see their father. Yeah, scary huh???

 

In the end, it didn't matter to me enough to deal with it any longer. I didn't trust her by the time she filed for divorce anyway. I was waiting for the next bomb to be dropped. BUT I know not every marriage involves my ex-wife. Some are instances of one slip-up and that needs to be accessed and addressed by the OP.

 

All marriages have two sides and there is enough blame to go around typically. AGAIN, I am not okaying what the cheater does. I'm saying that in some cases, people cheat because they need to fill a void that they can't seem to fill from their marriage any longer.

[2sunny]

And IF I had to compromise my integrity to stay married - that would be a shame.

 

Every relationship has a beginning and an end - knowing when it's the end is key.

 

I hope this OP wife is doing everything to change - and to set things right - for now(since its the beginning of discovery) its hers to DO!

 

It's hers to find out why she cheated. It's hers to find out how to NEVER consider cheating her solution to her problems that are broken inside her - then IF she considers herself a faithful one at that juncture - its hers to begin healing the M with the OP. but he has work to do too... First off is understanding what her truth is - what actually happened?

 

That is what I was encouraging the OP to do at this point - is to obtain her truth. IF she's not going to give him THAT - then they really have nothing to start with.

[drifter777]

... All marriages have two sides and there is enough blame to go around typically. AGAIN, I am not okaying what the cheater does. I'm saying that in some cases, people cheat because they need to fill a void that they can't seem to fill from their marriage any longer.

 

TBK: Everything you say is true or strikes a chord with many of the BS's contributing to this thread, but most of us now have the benefit of hindsight and the knowledge acquired since the incident to reflect back upon. Focusing on the OP, remember that he is only a week or so out from d-day. In his current state of mind the philosophy of why his wife may have cheated is simply not helpful. Whether to fill a void or seek outside validation or whatever really doesn't matter right now. That's something they both need to face later on as they try to repair this mess. In fact, taking a philosophical view right now may be inviting as it can allow him to ignore and bury the strong emotions he is feeling. Avoiding those feeling now will lead to bigger problems down the road and make his recovery much more difficult. OP may need to understand the why's and how's related to his wife's cheating at some point, but right now he should focus on working to fix the emotional damage she has done to him. Trying to see the big picture and guessing at what the future will bring may be necessary steps down the road, but first things first.

[The Blue Knight]

TBK: Everything you say is true or strikes a chord with many of the BS's contributing to this thread, but most of us now have the benefit of hindsight and the knowledge acquired since the incident to reflect back upon. Focusing on the OP, remember that he is only a week or so out from d-day. In his current state of mind the philosophy of why his wife may have cheated is simply not helpful. Whether to fill a void or seek outside validation or whatever really doesn't matter right now. That's something they both need to face later on as they try to repair this mess. In fact, taking a philosophical view right now may be inviting as it can allow him to ignore and bury the strong emotions he is feeling. Avoiding those feeling now will lead to bigger problems down the road and make his recovery much more difficult. OP may need to understand the why's and how's related to his wife's cheating at some point, but right now he should focus on working to fix the emotional damage she has done to him. Trying to see the big picture and guessing at what the future will bring may be necessary steps down the road, but first things first.

 

I agree drifter. I guess I was talking generalities with sunny, not so much about OP per se. Sorry. That probably seemed confusing. In one of my postings I did say that only time would really reveal how this was going to work out for OP and that's exactly right. He'll need time to sort through this mess with his wife. At some point down the road as more becomes clear to him, he can then determine how he'd like to proceed, or if he wants to proceed.

[The Blue Knight]

There is nothing to "catch".

 

BC is the perfect example of WHY someone says they can't trust a cheater. Because she will continue to lie to her H. So what is there to trust with someone that continues to lie. OP is wondering about "trust" and if he can regain it with his wife. And then you have BC that gives a perfect example, because most cheaters, like her, can't be trusted because they continue to lie.

 

So she doesn't get her own irony here. The reason most advise against staying with cheaters is because of trust, and she is proving us right.

NF4U, you have to realize that many do come clean as the affair comes to light. It's true that some details often get held back and I think that's normal. But just because bella is choosing to hide this from her husband isn't reason to "never trust someone who cheated." She's choosing a route that I don't think is smart in the long run, but not everyone handles it her way.

 

Each situation, and each person, and each couple are entirely different, and so are the dynamics of those relationships. There is no one size fits all when it comes to martial affairs with the exception that the serial cheater, once exposed needs to be cut loose for all eternity.

[2sunny]

Oh, I will. I need to figure how to do it without having to go through the OM. The OM's W never tried to reach me. What I am told is that she followed them as the OM was taking my W back to her car. She confronted them. The OM told his W that he was giving her a ride. The OM's W asked my WS if she was sleeping with her H, and she said no and left. That is all I have for now. But this is going to be part of a full disclosure process. My W agrees with this too.

 

Full disclosure isn't "a process"! It's all disclosure - or else what you should expect is trickle truth - which is much more painful... In my experience.

 

Either she tells all NOW - or she with holds her truth... Which is still lying.

 

What I actually look at is intent. It appears she INTENDED to spend time and energy on her MM - instead of you and her M.

 

That intent alone shows something.

 

Now whether or not she's willing to admit - is what will be revealed.

 

 

 

What I hate ALOT is when the cheater cries! What is it that they are crying for? You might never know! They could be crying that they can't be with their cheating partner for all we know. And they may NEVER tell you that part. Tears can represent so mant things - and it's still just a cover up for what they won't say...

 

Just saying.

[stillafool]

Stillafool

 

I have a questiion for you

 

Let us take the case of one of my dear friends. Married for over 20 years, after the birth of their third child his wife announced that sex was only for procreation and being as she was finished at having babies she totally shut of his sex life.

 

MC, IC, church counseling, several doctors, clergy, her parents and friends were not able to even make a dent in her stand for a sexless marriage.

 

After several years my friend did consider going down the divorce road.

 

But plain and simple he could not afford it. The wife is a SAHM and contributes zero into the family finances. He would end up being responsible for two homes, plus paying her child support and alimony.

 

That and he too loves his children deeply and is putting large amounts of treasure away for their college days, and there would be no monies what so ever to put in their college funds.

 

Add into the factor the man is a big time outdoors man, big on hunting and shooting and as such has a very large collection of firearms of all types and calibers.

 

After several years and several ten of thousands of dollars with no results it was a chuch counseler who finally put foward the idea that he should find another source for taking care of his lobido.

 

My question is what else was the man to do? He some how had toed the line for years, but the situation was never going to change.

 

He could not afford a divorce.

 

Would you want a man with large collection of firearms, and living with an above average lobido that had not found relief in years living in your neighborhood?

 

Obviously this situation is different. The wife is IMO is wrong to think that she can make her husband go against his nature and not have sex. That is cruel. The difference with your friend and most "cheaters" is they have seeked counseling, and is honest with his wife (isn't he?) about his needs and how he plans to get them met. If she wants to still stay married to him knowing another woman is doing her job then so be it. She is aware of what he is doing and why he is doing it. I wouldn't call him a cheater at that point.

[Steen719]

NF4U, you have to realize that many do come clean as the affair comes to light. It's true that some details often get held back and I think that's normal. But just because bella is choosing to hide this from her husband isn't reason to "never trust someone who cheated." She's choosing a route that I don't think is smart in the long run, but not everyone handles it her way.

 

Each situation, and each person, and each couple are entirely different, and so are the dynamics of those relationships. There is no one size fits all when it comes to martial affairs with the exception that the serial cheater, once exposed needs to be cut loose for all eternity.

 

 

I agree with some of what you say, but this is where I guess I just don't get this. ^^^ (bolded) First, the cheater comes clean as the affair comes to light, meaning they did not come to their spouse first. Then they hold details back (that's normal, you say), which means they are not being truthful=lying. OK, so now what we have is someone who did not come clean until they were caught and then they lie to the person they cheated on. What is trustworthy about that? Why should anyone believe this person? Really? I bet it doesn't happen often, but the person that comes to another person and either says I am so unhappy that if we can't find a way to fix this, I want to divorce you or even the person who cheats, feels bad and goes to their spouse and tells them when the spouse had no idea would be the type of person I might be able to believe.

 

Basically, you either believe a liar or you don't. I would rather not believe someone who lies to me. You have to live with what you do to others and that is the bottom line for me. Now, I did stay with a man who cheated one time...believed his regret, etc., but this last time was filled with lies, lies and more lies. Are the tiger's stripes his for life? Who knows, but I believe his are. My 2 cents.

[Kidd]

Sell the guns.

[LoyalHB]

There is a lot going on in this thread right now and I couldn't address each comment individually. I am trying to spend some time on myself, disconnected from everything. It allows me to breathe.

 

It is becoming ever more clear to me that my M has been in a pretty bad place for a while now. I take at least 50% responsibility for that. I have known my wife since she was a kid (16), and I know some of her issues pretty well (although I was blind sighted by her cheating). She has struggled with self esteem all her life on account of some childhood trauma. She decided to stop looking for a job about three years ago and I suspected that this would be trouble. She was very seriously dedicated to taking care of our daughters in every possible way and I had nothing to complain about myself. But she was becoming isolated and increasingly convinced that she was pretty worthless, just there to run the family. She was not bored, she was quite busy, but she had complained of not being recognized and appreciated enough. I did not do much about this. She didn't push the issue because she is NOT confrontational she prefers to avoid conflict and swallow he pain. I am totally lost in my work and if she wasn't forceful enough I might just go on with my things and not deal with her complaints. I am understanding now that all of this was a breeding ground for bigger problems. She chose a magical escape through cheating rather than the difficulties of dealing with M issues. I didn't make it any easier for her deal with the M, but she had choices and she has to live now with the cowardly one she made.

 

I am making attempts to locate the MM's W, but these people are unlisted and I may have to enlist a PI to find her. Not my style.

 

I appreciate all the opinions even if I disagree with some. I haven't laughed at all since D-day until I read the post about working out my anger at the gym and becoming more marketable!

[Kidd]

There is a lot going on in this thread right now and I couldn't address each comment individually. I am trying to spend some time on myself, disconnected from everything. It allows me to breathe.

 

It is becoming ever more clear to me that my M has been in a pretty bad place for a while now. I take at least 50% responsibility for that. I have known my wife since she was a kid (16), and I know some of her issues pretty well (although I was blind sighted by her cheating). She has struggled with self esteem all her life on account of some childhood trauma. She decided to stop looking for a job about three years ago and I suspected that this would be trouble. She was very seriously dedicated to taking care of our daughters in every possible way and I had nothing to complain about myself. But she was becoming isolated and increasingly convinced that she was pretty worthless, just there to run the family. She was not bored, she was quite busy, but she had complained of not being recognized and appreciated enough. I did not do much about this. She didn't push the issue because she is NOT confrontational she prefers to avoid conflict and swallow he pain. I am totally lost in my work and if she wasn't forceful enough I might just go on with my things and not deal with her complaints. I am understanding now that all of this was a breeding ground for bigger problems. She chose a magical escape through cheating rather than the difficulties of dealing with M issues. I didn't make it any easier for her deal with the M, but she had choices and she has to live now with the cowardly one she made.

 

I am making attempts to locate the MM's W, but these people are unlisted and I may have to enlist a PI to find her. Not my style.

 

I appreciate all the opinions even if I disagree with some. I haven't laughed at all since D-day until I read the post about working out my anger at the gym and becoming more marketable!

 

Sigh. I predict In six months you'll come back and read this and wonder what you were thinking. I see so much of myself (a year ago) in it. You'll do anything to minimize the affair in your own mind to not have to feel the feelings that you must (where is Drifter when I need him?), pretend like she didn't do as much as she did, half blame yourself for it anyway, and then instead of finding the truth, dismiss it with an "it's not my style" comment as if this isn't important enough to merit your investigation. I guess ignorance is bliss. Good luck, friend. I just have a feeling that this is far from over for you.

[LoyalHB]

I am painting a pretty accurate portrait of the way things have been. It is not blame assignment it is just reality. This analysis may not help me fix this marriage but it may keep my next relationship in a better place. I am clear that the A was not my fault.

[The Blue Knight]

I agree with some of what you say, but this is where I guess I just don't get this. ^^^ (bolded) First, the cheater comes clean as the affair comes to light, meaning they did not come to their spouse first. Then they hold details back (that's normal, you say), which means they are not being truthful=lying. OK, so now what we have is someone who did not come clean until they were caught and then they lie to the person they cheated on. What is trustworthy about that? Why should anyone believe this person? Really? I bet it doesn't happen often, but the person that comes to another person and either says I am so unhappy that if we can't find a way to fix this, I want to divorce you or even the person who cheats, feels bad and goes to their spouse and tells them when the spouse had no idea would be the type of person I might be able to believe.

 

Basically, you either believe a liar or you don't. I would rather not believe someone who lies to me. You have to live with what you do to others and that is the bottom line for me. Now, I did stay with a man who cheated one time...believed his regret, etc., but this last time was filled with lies, lies and more lies. Are the tiger's stripes his for life? Who knows, but I believe his are. My 2 cents.

 

 

Hi Steen,

 

Perhaps I would have better phrased that as "after the wayward spouse comes forward and reveals the affair", rather than using the phrase "comes clean" which I can see where that might be misread. Sorry. I was commenting quickly on that one. Not the best use of wording.

 

Just for the record, I'm one of those individuals who once a person in my life is revealed as a liar, be they a friend, an acquaintance, a coworker, or even one of my kids, it's very tough for me to take them at face value any longer. My trust meeter takes a hit BIG TIME and it takes them a long time to earn my trust back after I call them out on their lie.

 

I understand what you're saying. Believe me when I say I deal with liars all day long. If anyone knows liars it's a cop. The most unassuming person you'd think would be straight up honest with you, will still lie to you to steer clear of even the most simple of troubles . . . even a traffic ticket. The fact is, humans are by their very nature liars. You can agree or disagree with that. It's the sad truth. In order to be honest, people often have to focus and concentrate on telling the truth as opposed to just going into default lie mode.

 

I agree that the person who offends should have to live with what they did to others. Anyone with a conscience would anyways. Your husband's stripes may have been that of a serial cheater and they are a specious that are never truly remorseful of who they hurt.

[drifter777]

I am making attempts to locate the MM's W, but these people are unlisted and I may have to enlist a PI to find her. Not my style.

 

Is it your style to be betrayed and now gaslighted by your wife? Things have changed so you need to change your style while dealing with this mess. Dude, did you ever think to ask your wife? Better yet, demand the number from your wife? The two of them have worked out their stories together already but, since they are lying, there are bound to be discrepancies that you and OMw will find. Once you find a lie you have something to start the "you need to come clean" conversation with.

I appreciate all the opinions even if I disagree with some. I haven't laughed at all since D-day until I read the post about working out my anger at the gym and becoming more marketable!

 

Your shock, sadness, anger, shame - the whole package - hurts us all. Most of us are here because we are still healing and offering help to someone living through something we understand is cathartic. Right now you cannot imagine life without your wife. You can't imagine being happy ever again. Believe me that this will change, but it's not time that heals these wounds. It's the effort you make in your personal recovery that starts the healing process. Taking action for yourself and seeing positive results is the medicine you need. It will take a while, but start down that difficult path by educating yourself and talking with a counselor. Just buying a book and making the counseling appointment is a step in the right direction & it will give you some hope and help you feel better. Try it.

[The Blue Knight]

Is it your style to be betrayed and now gaslighted by your wife? Things have changed so you need to change your style while dealing with this mess. Dude, did you ever think to ask your wife? Better yet, demand the number from your wife? The two of them have worked out their stories together already but, since they are lying, there are bound to be discrepancies that you and OMw will find. Once you find a lie you have something to start the "you need to come clean" conversation with.

 

Your shock, sadness, anger, shame - the whole package - hurts us all. Most of us are here because we are still healing and offering help to someone living through something we understand is cathartic. Right now you cannot imagine life without your wife. You can't imagine being happy ever again. Believe me that this will change, but it's not time that heals these wounds. It's the effort you make in your personal recovery that starts the healing process. Taking action for yourself and seeing positive results is the medicine you need. It will take a while, but start down that difficult path by educating yourself and talking with a counselor. Just buying a book and making the counseling appointment is a step in the right direction & it will give you some hope and help you feel better. Try it.

 

LoyalHB, I have to agree with Drifter. Why the behind the scenes nonsense? Part of your wife's "truthfulness" moment should be turning over any and all information that you request immediately and without hesitation.

[2sunny]

15-50 dollars gets you basic to I depth info on anyone.

 

Cheap way to obtain info.