A sinkhole of despair

[LHayes67]

Hi all! I'm a newbie and came across an older thread in the Family section started by a man who felt pressured by his parents to lose weight. He also felt helpless because he was in his early 30s and forced to live with them due to lack of adequate finances. I couldn't respond cos the thread was closed, but it hit home because I have a similar story with a few twists.

 

I'm 44 and also live with my parents. This is the second time I've had to "return to the nest." The first was after my 13-year marriage ended in 2005 and I didn't make enough to support myself. I didn't want to move back in, but I had no choice. My mother is highly critical and overbearing, so she and I butted heads quite a few times. She insists on treating me like a 12-year-old. As a child I would let her run all over me, but my ex gave me the courage to stand up to her ... which I'm forever grateful for. Of course, SHE wasn't too thrilled about that.

 

I endured it until things came to a head in May, 2008 over ... get this ... me going to a Duran Duran concert in Atlanta. They were my favorite band in high school, and when they would come to my area it was a great escape to meet up with friends who were fellow fans I'd met online, let loose and just be myself for a couple of hours. You know how everyone has their "thing" they enjoy, right? Mine happened to be Duran Duran. Nothing wrong with that.

 

My mom, however, didn't see it that way. She's hated DD since I became a fan in 1983. When I told her I was going to see them (I had already paid for my ticket and hotel), she said I had a choice -- if I wanted to live with them, then I wouldn't be "allowed" to go. If I wanted to go, I'd have to move out.

 

I had been able to save up some money, so within a week I had secured an apartment in a nice area at a very affordable price. I moved Memorial Day weekend, and for the first time ever in my life, I was completely free and on my own. I loved being able to be ME without anyone telling me that being who I am wasn't acceptable.

 

Sadly, that freedom ended after only 18 months when I was diagnosed with borderline stage 4 breast cancer in October, 2009. I knew with medical bills (which can be catastrophic with cancer) I could no longer afford to live alone, plus I would need caretakers during my treatment, which lasted six months and included 12 weeks of chemo, a single mastectomy and 6 1/2 weeks of daily radiation. I'm proud to say that since then I have remained cancer free. Thankfully insurance paid for the largest part of my medical bills, but I still had enough to make it unfeasible to move back out once treatment ended. I continued to work throughout my treatment, but I only made $10 an hour working full-time so there wasn't much extra cash. I didn't want to try and find another job though because I was doing what I'd dreamed of since age 16 ... being a journalist and columnist.

 

Then last October -- like millions of others in the U.S. and around the world -- my position was eliminated without warning. I'm able to draw unemployment, but my income now is below poverty level. I spent the next several months feverishly looking for work, but my area has the highest unemployment rate in the state, so prospects were dim. Still, whatever position I found that I felt qualified for and able to do, I applied. I never got any responses back, which is not surprising.

 

If all that wasn't bad enough, in January I was hospitalized with kidney failure and a large blood clot in my leg. I was diagnosed with stage 3 kidney disease ... or as my kidney doctor put it "significant kidney disease with complications." My kidneys are currently operating at 25 percent. It was suggested that I apply for permanent disability, because I will probably start needing dialysis in the next couple of years. That's been done, but it usually takes several months to get approved.

 

Like the gentleman in the other thread, I am also overweight, and my parents are constantly on me to lose it. BUT, although it chaps my butt when they nag, I know they're right. In order to have my reconstruction surgery done, I've been told by two surgeons I need to lose 30 pounds first. So far I've lost 18. After that I need to drop 70 more to get back to my ideal weight for my height and build. Because of my weight, I have not been on one date at all in the seven years since my divorce. Men only see the outside, not the person I am inside, and they don't like what they see.

 

As a result of this tale of woe, I'm afraid I'll never get out on my own again, and I will die sick, broke and alone. I'm an only child, so once my parents are gone, that's it. I will have no one. And it's depressing. I even recently prayed and asked God to take me home because from my vantage point my future looks dim. I longed for a piece of this clot in my leg to break off and go to my heart/lung and BAM! Just get it over with. I'm not going to commit suicide, but the thought process is similar.

 

How do I get out of this sinkhole? I need to find some hope again.

 

Thanks for reading.

[whichwayisup]

First off, you're incredibly strong and you're very inspirational. You've gone through so much in life, more than most.

 

Do you have an aunt, uncle or cousins? Just wondering how much other family you have other than your parents.

 

Don't give up, there are lots of options, even your friends can help.. Government help, (assistance to get you through this) etc.

 

One thing, no matter how old we get, our parents still see us as 'young' and kid-like. Next time you have concert tickets, don't tell your mom. It's none of her business what you do when you go out. Not saying lie to her, but omitting what you do is fine.. You have a life and are a grown up, you don't owe her any explanation of your where about's or who you see/date/go to concerts etc.. BTW, I LOVE Duran Duran too!

[LHayes67]

Hi. Thanks for responding.

 

Yes, my family on my dad's side is HUGE. He's one of 12 kids, and all of his siblings had at least two children except him, so I have TONS of cousins in my generation alone. That's not counting their kids now that we're all middle-aged. The problem is I'm not close with any of them. The majority live nearby or within a short driving distance, but I usually only see them at Christmas or funerals. My uncle passed away suddenly of a heart attack behind the wheel a few weeks ago. I was able to go to the visitation at the funeral home for a while so I saw a few of them then. I have severe fatigue (a symptom of kidney disease) plus the pain and swelling from the blood clot, so I had to spend all but a short time there on a couch in the corner. I wanted so badly to go around and see everyone, but the funeral home understandably was packed out and I just couldn't. I visited with the ones who wandered over to that corner and after a couple of hours I had to go home because I was exhausted. I wasn't able to attend the funeral.

 

In high school, I was very close to one of my cousins who is six months older than me. We were like sisters and did everything together. After high school though and before we each got married, we had a falling out and our relationship changed forever. I've forgiven her and we tried so hard to get back where we were before ... even saying to each other that's what we wanted ... but we just couldn't get there. She literally lives five minutes away from me and I haven't seen or talked to her in over a year now. It's sad. She has two kids and is currently going through her second divorce. She wasn't at the funeral home as far as I know. If she was, I never saw her. There were SO many people you could hardly move.

 

I know what you're saying about not letting my mom run my life and that it's none of her business what I do. I feel the same ... but as I said, I'm an only child. They're helping me with my financial situation as much as they can, but they're both retired and on fixed incomes, and their situation is perilous as well. It kills my pride that at 44 I'm forced to depend on them so much, but it is their home and they CAN kick me out if they choose. If they do, I will have nowhere else to go. I will say that the last couple of times I've gone to see DD, they said nothing about it, so maybe me being so sick made them see it wasn't that big of a deal. I don't know. Right now my Duranie days are over ... or at least on extended hold. I have more important things to worry about, plus I have no money for shows. They are coming to Atlanta Aug. 19, but I will have to sit this one out ... the first ATL concert I've missed since 2004.

 

What concerns me most is I just want to be me again and have my own life like I did for those 18 months. And I don't know how to do that or if my health will allow me to.

[LHayes67]

Well, thanks to the one person out of 117 from this forum who took the time to read my post and reply. I came here hoping for support, hope and answers to help me deal with my situation. I guess either it's so bad nobody knows what to say or maybe people just don't care.

 

Sorry if I intruded on somewhere I really don't belong.

[SmileFace]

I am sorry. I don't have any advice to give you but I just wanted wish you the best.

[NeverDated]

Well, thanks to the one person out of 117 from this forum who took the time to read my post and reply. I came here hoping for support, hope and answers to help me deal with my situation. I guess either it's so bad nobody knows what to say or maybe people just don't care.

 

Sorry if I intruded on somewhere I really don't belong.

 

Nobody knows what to say. You've gone through a lot (I thought I'd had a crappy few years). In my experience, the only solution to "despair" is to set a goal and work toward it - unfortunately no one can set that goal for you or really tell you how to get out of the rut.

 

There are goal setting techniques. Personally, I like to outline how I will achieve my goal from now to completion. After my split from my husband, my mother and I sat down and talked over where we wanted to be within 3 years. Then we listed out everything we needed to do to get there, put them in a logical order of importance, and started doing it. It gave us (she stayed in her abusive marriage with my father, so we leaned on each other heavily) a sense of empowerment and purpose. I can say, at this exact moment, I heavily empathize with your sense of despair. After my mother passed away last year, my entire "3 year plan" went to ****, and since she was my partner in crime I have no idea how to move forward in the long-term.

 

Sorry I don't have better advice.