I want an "OUR" baby......he is disgusted by the idea.

[bentnotbroken]

It is possible that this difference in needs will not be resolved to either of your satisfaction...at least not together. The two of you have to decide if this issue is enough to send you in separate directions. This is a situation where there can be no compromise, where resentment will be the companion of one of you and each of you has to dig deep to see if they are willing to give up what they want and live with the choices.

[Trimmer]

I'm sorry for your situation.

 

I think you started out with a "discussion" but one that did not lead to any useful conclusion:

He alluded that he would be 'open' to the idea of a reversal...

 

His interpretation : I'm open to discussing it, but we'll be OK with either decision.

 

Your interpretation: He hasn't ruled it out, so by the time we get there, I will have convinced him to do it.

 

Unfortunately, (and in 20-20 hindsight, I admit) it seems pretty likely that this was destined for the difference that confronts you now.

 

All I can say is that if you consider that having a child is one of the most important decisions a person can make, then NOT having a child is just as important a decision. Therefore, the level of commitment he feels to his decision not to have another child is likely equal to the desire and commitment that you have toward having a child, and that is likely to be a difficult difference to overcome.

[jenwantsbabywade]

Thank you everyone for your time and responses. Again, your candidness is appreciated. Thank you.

[CarrieT]

Jen - I think the biggest problem is that while your husband alluded to changing, you grasped onto that and have made that the truth in what was going to happen; now that he has stated that he is not interested in having more children, you are upset that it hasn't gone the way you wanted.

 

So you both have a bigger, new discussion ahead of you; is your relationship more important than your desire to have another child? If it is a dealbreaker for YOU, than do him the favor and end the relationship sooner rather than later -- sooner so you can find a man to have a child with and so he can move on to another potential partner as well.

[knitwit]

Hi Jen,

 

First, I read your husband's thread. There is a lot of smack talked about you from the posters (not your husband!) I don't think you're being controlling, shallow, or selfish. Your husband pretty clearly led you on that he would do the reversal. Now you're in a very tough spot.

 

My husband got a vasectomy in his early 20s. He went through a reversal a few months before we got married, in his mid-30s. It was much more painful than expected, and he was out of work for twice as long was anticipated. Also, it didn't work. Vas reversals are pretty successful if they are done only a few years after the original procedure- after 10 years, it becomes much less likely to succeed.

 

Would your husband be willing to skip the reversal and go directly to IVF? I only ask because he is against the actual procedure after a bad experience with the actual vasectomy (which most men, my husband included, find to be very easy and not painful.) He has a lot of other reasons against having more children, but I wonder if a lot of that stems from just not wanting to go through the actual reversal. If you remove that aspect, maybe a lot of his other issues will matter less to him.

 

IVF is tough, but at least it is done to your body. You can control whether you're compliant with the meds, taking care of your self, doing everything you can to succeed. With the reversal, your husband can be non-compliant with meds, taking it easy, avoiding any and all sexual behavior for a few weeks, etc. Also, the wait to find out if it worked can be agonizing. At least with IVF you find out pretty quickly (although it is still a really hard wait!!)

 

If you are otherwise healthy, you have a really good chance for success with IVF at your age. (I was 38 when I got pregnant on my first round of IVF.) Also, since your husband's vasectomy was done more than 10 years ago, chances are the operation will not be successful and you will end up going to IVF anyway.

 

I wish the best for you. I hope you two can come to a decision that will allow both of you to be happy, and if not, I hope you can move forward in the direction that will work best for you.

[jenwantsbabywade]

Thank you Knitwit.... I really appreciate your response/post. I realize the way my husband made me sound in his post would elicit the type of responses he received. I was genuinely appalled when I discovered the post myself. I eventually moved past it because I know I'm not a controlling, manipulated, evil, money-hungry wife. I laughed at most of the posts where people alluded to me wanting to just use his "penis" for my own intentions and many comments about just wanting his child support. My husband and I weirdly enough, make the exact same salary. So I have no desire to drain my husband dry with child support if I had a baby with him and it didn't work out. And even if I entertained that thought for the sake of the conversation, like I said, he has full physical custody of his 3, so how much seriously would a 4th child receive? Not a lot.

 

I asked for and wanted, true candidness (as I believe he did to in his post), and I believe I received it. I have to believe my husband didn't 'intend' on making me sound like a crazy wife, so I have chosen to move past my feelings on his post.

 

I realize the decision ahead of us (post poned till September), could also be a decision of ending our marriage if we can't humble ourselves one way or another. I agree with everyone, this is a big decision that effects many.

 

Thank you again for your posts.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I feel that your H is at fault here.

 

He is right to feel what he feels of course. He did lead you on before marriage with dangling a carrot of it being open for discussion. It was never open for discussion when he is dead set against now and he was dead set against then. I believe he gave you false hope because he didn't want to lose you and was afraid you won't marry him otherwise. There is no change of mind evident. He felt strongly about not having any more kids when he had the V. He was delibaretly vague and missleading and now you are both paying the price.

 

Not an enviable position for either of you.

[TaraMaiden]

I have to believe my husband didn't 'intend' on making me sound like a crazy wife, so I have chosen to move past my feelings on his post.

I'm not intending to be patronising to our wonderful wealth of male participants here, but i don't think men get the strength of feeling hormonal surges can evoke. I know mine doesn't.... and that's just the way it is.

I'm sorry for this, but I've yet to meet a man who is as desperate to have a child as a woman is capable of being. It's an inbuilt driven desire, and because your H cannot equate with that kind of emotion, he can only see it as your being 'crazy'. I did say earlier, it is a kind of madness... an an obsession of any kind, is a madness of a kind, and can evoke the most bizarre and unusual train of thinking....so while he sees it as some kind of 'deranged' way of thinking (and you must understand, from where he's standing, from his point of view, there is some justification) you see it as an overwhelming, deep, insistent and constant desire to fulfil something physical within you.

It's hard for a woman to explain, and it's almost impossible for a man to ever completely understand.

In my experience, even a gynaecologist of my acquaintance, could not see where one of his patients was "coming form2 when she told him that having a child was something that she'd yearned for with every fibre of her being, for over 10 years. he turned to her - a man of the baby-making profession- and told her to not be so silly, 'it's just a baby'.

I'd have punched his light out....

 

I realize the decision ahead of us (post poned till September), could also be a decision of ending our marriage if we can't humble ourselves one way or another. I agree with everyone, this is a big decision that effects many.

I have my doubts as to whether the wait has any purpose, particularly - as you yourself point out - your 'biological clock' is ticking.

I personally think it's delaying the inevitable.

I doubt he will change his mind, and unfortunately, one of you is going to end up resentful, unhappy and forced into a corner.

 

And as things stand, the odds in any and every case - are stacked against you.

 

what difference does April to September make, other than adding 5 months to your age?

[Lauriebell82]

I realize the decision ahead of us (post poned till September), could also be a decision of ending our marriage if we can't humble ourselves one way or another. I agree with everyone, this is a big decision that effects many.

 

I know you had said earlier that the discussion was put on hold as a way for you to "take off the pressure" however what would be the point if he is hell bent against children? It sounds like another "alluding" attempt to me. In his thread he said he DIDN'T want the marriage to end, so is he just delaying the conversation to create temporary peace?

 

So you want him to change his mind in September, he wants you to change your's. Are you willing to change your mind about this? If not, why do you expect him to? I guess I just don't see the point of delaying this conversation, if anything it will probably just make things worse and more tense between the two of you.

[jenwantsbabywade]

I suppose he is hoping I will have a change of heart and vice versa. My hudband does tell me that if he didn't feel so much pressure, maybe he'd have a change of heart tomorrow, next week, etc. I guess I assume if I fight the urge to bring up the B topic, perhaps he will have a change of heart. My gut instinct however does tell me I am deluding myself, I know he won't change his mind and I am the one that will have to make the decision, baby or marriage. I hate the predictament, I feel hurt, a bit betrayed, used and angry. I wish I had NO desire to have a baby with him, I wish I didn't! Just jump on the materialistic/superficial bandwagon he is on and ride into the sunset....But I desire more! I want a child that unifies us heart, blood and soul and unifies our blended family. I never imagined it would come to this sort of a battle. I am just sick that I will probably never have a baby. I do not want a divorce, my husband knows how against it I am. We have both been divorced due to the other people in our lives infedelity. I would also never want to rip up our families (kids) hearts again, his kids are still healing from his rough divorce. I love his kids, but I know they arent mine, they have their mom. I want to share a child with him, why is that so hard for him to understand. The reality is, I will stay...in this marriage and have to deal with my feelings alone that I will never have another child. I am a bit more emotional about it this morning.

[bentnotbroken]

I suppose he is hoping I will have a change of heart and vice versa. My hudband does tell me that if he didn't feel so much pressure, maybe he'd have a change of heart tomorrow, next week, etc. I guess I assume if I fight the urge to bring up the B topic, perhaps he will have a change of heart. My gut instinct however does tell me I am deluding myself, I know he won't change his mind and I am the one that will have to make the decision, baby or marriage. I hate the predictament, I feel hurt, a bit betrayed, used and angry. I wish I had NO desire to have a baby with him, I wish I didn't! Just jump on the materialistic/superficial bandwagon he is on and ride into the sunset....But I desire more! I want a child that unifies us heart, blood and soul and unifies our blended family. I never imagined it would come to this sort of a battle. I am just sick that I will probably never have a baby. I do not want a divorce, my husband knows how against it I am. We have both been divorced due to the other people in our lives infedelity. I would also never want to rip up our families (kids) hearts again, his kids are still healing from his rough divorce. I love his kids, but I know they arent mine, they have their mom. I want to share a child with him, why is that so hard for him to understand. The reality is, I will stay...in this marriage and have to deal with my feelings alone that I will never have another child. I am a bit more emotional about it this morning.

 

 

Will staying with him without having his child increase your resentment of him? Will you be able to accept and move on without wondering what if? I am not suggesting you cannot, just that you need to be sure that buried resentments don't rear their ugly head in some other fashion.

[watsluvgot2dowitit]

I suppose he is hoping I will have a change of heart and vice versa. My hudband does tell me that if he didn't feel so much pressure, maybe he'd have a change of heart tomorrow, next week, etc. I guess I assume if I fight the urge to bring up the B topic, perhaps he will have a change of heart. My gut instinct however does tell me I am deluding myself, I know he won't change his mind and I am the one that will have to make the decision, baby or marriage. I hate the predictament, I feel hurt, a bit betrayed, used and angry. I wish I had NO desire to have a baby with him, I wish I didn't! Just jump on the materialistic/superficial bandwagon he is on and ride into the sunset....But I desire more! I want a child that unifies us heart, blood and soul and unifies our blended family. I never imagined it would come to this sort of a battle. I am just sick that I will probably never have a baby. I do not want a divorce, my husband knows how against it I am. We have both been divorced due to the other people in our lives infedelity. I would also never want to rip up our families (kids) hearts again, his kids are still healing from his rough divorce. I love his kids, but I know they arent mine, they have their mom. I want to share a child with him, why is that so hard for him to understand. The reality is, I will stay...in this marriage and have to deal with my feelings alone that I will never have another child. I am a bit more emotional about it this morning.

 

I think the hardest part is that you see your family as separate because his kids aren't yours. But the truth is you are one, blood, heart and soul because you're married. Biggest mistake women make is using kids in order to 'make' a relationship.Having a baby with someone doesn't set your relationship in stone, if it did parents wouldn't breakup or get divorced. I'm not trying to tell you how to feel. I don't think you or your husband is wrong. You guys just want different things. One or the other can compromise but the marriage would be doomed ultimately because compromise means someone ends up with what they did not want which usually ends up with someone being unhappy. I'm telling you this from someone who lives it now. I never ever wanted kids,my husband did badly (yea there are men that want kids more than the woman). He talked about kids every day and when it dawned on me that he really really wanted them, I immediately got on bc. I never told him I got on them, but found he them and that was the worst argument we have ever had. Fast forward to today I compromised and gave him what he wanted. I love my children but if I could do it all over again I would've let our relationship go. This just isn't what I wanted and no amount of love can change that.

[jenwantsbabywade]

I appreciate your candor whatsluv, but I don't 'see' our family as separate. I am looking to blend our family and unify it via blood, heart and soul. You stated I am blood with his kids and vice versa in blood, that sounds a bit odd -- considering we share no DNA. Nonetheless, I have no interest in bashing your opinion, I am just kindly disagreeing with your view.

 

I know many women that share the same desire to procreate with their husbands, I would desire this with my husband whether he had kids or not. I don't believe I'm unique in my feelings on this.

[LadyGrey]

Something that I haven't heard mentioned is your stepchildren. Since you and he have custody of them, their well being and care needs to be taken into consideration too. You are helping mold 3 lives and you signed up for the job by agreeing to marry him. It's unlikely that if you divorce you would still be in their lives. You should keep in mind what your decision might do to them.

 

I feel truly bad for the position you are in.

[setsenia]

Oh boy. Yes. It's a bit interesting I suppose to see the "her side/his side", esp considering the level of emotion my husband interjected into his post.

 

I was thinking so too!

[TaraMaiden]

I posted in his thread the suggestion he come into this one and read it - if he has not already done so. It would give him insight.....

 

[findingnemo]

I appreciate your candor whatsluv, but I don't 'see' our family as separate. I am looking to blend our family and unify it via blood, heart and soul. You stated I am blood with his kids and vice versa in blood, that sounds a bit odd -- considering we share no DNA. Nonetheless, I have no interest in bashing your opinion, I am just kindly disagreeing with your view.

 

I know many women that share the same desire to procreate with their husbands, I would desire this with my husband whether he had kids or not. I don't believe I'm unique in my feelings on this.

 

I understand the need to have a child as a unifying bond of sorts. I have 3 kids and I'm separated. When I had my last I was still M and the doctor asked if I wanted a tubal ligitaion. I already knew that I'd never be happy with my M and said no. I felt that if given a chance and I am with a man I love in the future, I'd love nothing else than the chance for us to have a child together. I thought this while thinking "3 kids...I'll never do this again". I really don't ever want to go through pregnancy again!!!

 

Yep, I get the need to unify all the kids and the family so that the bond is stronger. But let me ask you this. What if you couldn't have any more kids? Would you feel that by not having a common blood child your M wasn't as strong as it could be? What else would you think of doing to strengthen the bonds between you all?

[standtall]

I wish I had NO desire to have a baby with him, I wish I didn't! Just jump on the materialistic/superficial bandwagon he is on and ride into the sunset....But I desire more! I want a child that unifies us heart, blood and soul and unifies our blended family.

 

Form a guy's perspective, I just don't get this whole part. I don't see how a child unifies you...your marriage did. When you get married, you're supposedf to put your spouse first..in front of all others, including your own children.

[TaraMaiden]

Form a guy's perspective, I just don't get this whole part..

As i have stated, you're not alone.

An awful lot of guys - i would say the majority - don't 'get it'.

and that's not playing the 'blame game' , "oh you're a guy, you'll never understand!"...

Men really cannot get their heads round it, because they're not hormonally programmed to feel this way.

there is no way in a million years that we can make any man completely 100% 'get it'

i believe it's biologically impossible.

[Lauriebell82]

In the other thread, your husband states:

 

 

Funny, but it sounds to me as though YOU'RE doing all the work raising HIS kids from a prior marriage.

 

Whose watching his OTHER two while he's off doing all his selfish and expensive hobbies? Oh that's right - he brings along ONE of the three he brought into this word because he's Dad of the Year, leaving you to care for the other two.

 

I'd be curious to know what kind of fool keeps breeding kid after kid with a woman who isn't even capable of raising her own kids once she's divorced?

 

You took this on when you chose to marry him, and you knew he'd had a vasectomy before you said "I Do," so this isn't news to you. It's also pretty apparent the guy thinks it's perfectly fine to let you raise his kids and do all the work while he plays on the weekend. Selfish, much?

 

This is a very good point Jen. I'm not trying to talk you out of your desire to have a child with your husband, however have you thought about what role HE would play with the baby? If he really truly doesn't want one, how much help and support would he really be?

 

I have a friend right now who just had a baby with her husband, he actually WANTED the baby, however his work schedule is so crazy that he never helps her. She is essentially raising her daughter on her own, with him occasionally holding the baby here and there. She is absolutely miserable and beginning to resent her husband for his behavior. They fight all the time and she doesn't know what to do.

 

So...if he did actually CAVE in his decision and decided to have a child with you, what will his parenting role be? HE might actually end up resenting the child he didn't want.

 

I don't think ANYONE should have to change their mind about wanting or not wanting a child. It's unfair to do to not only the child, but to yourselves.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Something that I haven't heard mentioned is your stepchildren. Since you and he have custody of them, their well being and care needs to be taken into consideration too. You are helping mold 3 lives and you signed up for the job by agreeing to marry him. It's unlikely that if you divorce you would still be in their lives. You should keep in mind what your decision might do to them.

 

 

Don't forget that the OP has a child, too, who might see her husband as "dad."

 

That is FOUR KIDS already to raise and be responsible for. That's a lot.

 

Not minimizing the OP's desire to have another baby, but I don't agree that the husband exactly "dangled a carrot." She married a man with full custody of 3 children and a vasectomy. That was a choice.

[hotgurl]

I get where you are coming from. I went through the same thing. Sorta.

 

Your daughter is getting older and will leave the house soon so you are waxing poetic about having another baby. Plus you clock is ticking, more like pounding and you feel cheated.

 

I so get it. My daughter's bio-dad was an a$$ to say the least. Right after she was born he went to jail. It was so stressful. I always felt robbed that I didn't experience that perfect peaceful idealistic early time together. But frankly it would not be and how I imagined. Me and my husband content watch her from the crib. Peaceful times with me breastfeeding in a rocking chair and him making dinner. A wonderful pregnancy where we bond and I am glowing.

 

even tough we discussed it before marriage and decided no more kids. I go baby fever bad. Resenting cute pregnant women and moms in strollers. etc..

 

I got over it but I was rough there for a while/

 

What you have to ask yourself is if you do have a baby. How will you feel when the reality does not live up to your fantasy. It never will you expectations are to unrealistic. What you want this baby to do it never will.

 

You have all these grand ideas and that is a lot to expect especially form a baby. Untie you family seal your bonds. etc...

[NeverDated]

Form a guy's perspective, I just don't get this whole part. I don't see how a child unifies you...your marriage did. When you get married, you're supposedf to put your spouse first..in front of all others, including your own children.

From a gal's perspective...No. When you have children, your children come first. Above your spouse. Above yourself. Like Tara said, it's impossible for a man to get it.

 

Males instinctively protect their females. As long as a male has his female, he can have more babies, they are inherently replaceable in the male mind. Females instinctively protect their babies, because there is nothing that can replace them. Case in point: men don't need to be reminded to put their oxygen masks on before their children's. Women do.

[pteromom]

I think what you need to consider is WHY you want a baby.

 

Is it just the idea of you and him mixed that makes you happy? Would you still want that baby if his v-reversal was botched and you had to use donor sperm? Would you still want that baby if it was found that your FSH was high and you had to use donor eggs? Or if something was wrong with you and you had no choice but to adopt?

 

Is it the fantasy of being pregnant and caring for a newborn that excites you, or do you really want to raise another child? Because as you know, the baby stage goes by really quickly, then you are signed up for YEARS of parenting again.

 

If you truly want to be a MOM again, and all the details about HOW don't matter, you have a choice to make. Your choice is to stay in your marriage and give up the dream of a baby, or to move on from your marriage and pursue your dream of a baby.

 

But before you do that, I do think you should go to counseling. Both individual and joint. You need to get to the bottom of why you are aching for a baby so badly, and he needs to get to the bottom of why he is so against the idea.

[frozensprouts]

is this the only "big" issue in your marriage, or is it representative of how you two deal with each other? Does it usually come down to you feeling bad alone and your husband feeling like he's being asked to do something he doesn't want to?

 

Being female, I can understand the desperate need to have a child...I think I alot of us can...but why do you want to have a baby so much? is it because you want another child to love and raise, or is it because you want to bond yourself more closely to your husband? While they are not mutually exclusive, if you want to have a baby with him to solidify your bond, I agree with the poster who felt that was a lot to place on some pretty small shoulders.

 

What if he agrees to try to have a child with you, and, for whatever reason, it doesn't happen? how will you feel then? will you love him because he tried and be able to move on, or do you think that you'll still want a baby?

 

just some stuff to think about