I want an "OUR" baby......he is disgusted by the idea.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Just out of curiosity did you and you husband decide last week to join LoveShack and both post your respective sides of this issue here?

 

If not, that's quite a coincidence!

 

Have you been using the responses on your two threads as talking points? How has your relationship been different since each of you posted here?

[hotgurl]

If you r husband is so selfish why do you ant a child with him? You already disapprove of his parenting (his words) wouldn't anothe rchild add to the conflict.

 

Also men need to have sex to feel emotionally close. So he is probably missing you intimacy to.

 

And At a certain point you are just done with kids. My daughter is leaving for college soon and yes I will miss her and am emotional about it but part of me is looking forward to having my life to myself again. Raising kids is hard work nad time intensive. I don't think it is really selfish to want to do your own thing after they are gone.

[jenwantsbabywade]

The whole lack of a sex/intimacy is a double edged sword. Woman doesnt want to be intimate because she doesnt feel close to the Man. Man doesnt want to emotionally connect because he isn't getting sex. Historically, this is essentially an issue in every marriage, not just mine. It is the stark difference between woman/man. We can only hope to change history so our own kids dont have to deal with the same set of differences in their marriages.

[irin]

why is everyone using sex/intimacy to patronise her? this isnt the problem! dont worry about it. the issue is about the child, you and your husband need to find away to meet half way on this or this marriage will not be getting very far!

[Lauriebell82]

The whole lack of a sex/intimacy is a double edged sword. Woman doesnt want to be intimate because she doesnt feel close to the Man. Man doesnt want to emotionally connect because he isn't getting sex. Historically, this is essentially an issue in every marriage, not just mine. It is the stark difference between woman/man. We can only hope to change history so our own kids dont have to deal with the same set of differences in their marriages.

 

IMO you either want children or you don't. I think the danger with your situation, is that you were hoping the "alluded to" would turn into an "yes, definately." It's always a mistake to enter a marriage hoping that your spouse will change.

[knitwit]

Hi Jen,

 

I have a little one and work FT so don't get on LS all that often. I am glad you felt supported by my post.

 

I still don't get something- I thought I read somewhere that he signed a contract pre-nupitials indicating that he'd get a reversal. Did I make that up or mis-read something?

 

If, in your pre-martials discussions, the two of you made agreements on contract and he stated that he'd do the reversal- well, that to me is clearly him telling you he'd do it.

 

Regardless, I agree that it is now not a matter of "right" or "wrong" and very much agree with the poster who said this might not be a battle you'd want to "win". What if he relents and goes through the reversal, has pain for months (which is what happened to my husband, although all that we read said this only happened rarely), and is resentful? And what if you succeed in getting pregnant and find out that he really can't handle another kid? He has three kids so he has pretty good idea of how he handles having them- it's not like his concerns are all pulled out of thin air.

 

Take your time and think about this. Instead of waiting to see what he decides in September, it might be better to take this time to search your heart, since you're Christian, pray on it. Find out what your boundaries and absolutes are.

 

If you can truly acknowledge that while you want to have more kids, you can be happy without more, then it will be easier to wait for September and easier to accept whatever your husband decides. This really takes the pressure off, because it means that you will be OK with either decision.

 

If you know, in your heart, that you must at least try to have more kids, then you can honestly talk with your husband and let him know the stakes. He should have this information when he makes his September decision.

 

Good luck!

[soserious1]

Just the thought of helping to put 4 kids through college & grad school is scary, but 5 kids? Have you thought about the fiscal impact down the road? College isn't a luxury anymore & even if they work & get scholarships your parental contribution will be hefty.

[Spark1111]

I had two children and then, oops, got pregnant and suffered a miscarriage.

 

I was devasted. I convinced myself it was for the best but remained very, very sad.

 

An older woman told me "If you have one ounce of desire to have another baby, you MUST act on it because that is a regret you will have to your grave."

 

She was right. I had my last child.

 

Here is what puzzles me: if a man truly loves a woman, he has no compuntion about giving her a baby. It pumps his ego that the woman he loves wants to have his baby. He commits to it.

 

I do not hear this from your spouse, so I am leery as to WHY he married you.

 

And this: In most religions, if one or the other partner renegs on having a baby, you do not have to get divorced.

 

THAT is the major allowable reason for annulment.

 

Consider it. Take your 15 year old and find a man who loves you and would love to have a baby with you.

 

Let him raise his three kids without your constant care.

[TaraMaiden]

jenwantsbabywade, could i ask you a question?

When was the last time you had a gynae check-up?

I'm going to put something to you - i would rather have done it through a PM, but that's not possible....

 

as I've already stated, i can completely equate and identify with your current overwhelming desire to have another child. It's almost unconquerable....

but - and it's a big BUT - i subsequently discovered that this all-consuming fervent desire - was almost entirely hormone-driven.

and i needed remedial hormone treatment to redress the balance, because one of my ovaries was in serious trouble.

to quote my gynaecologist, after a laparoscopy:

"your right ovary is blooming - in fact, I dare say it would win prizes. However your left ovary resembles a shrivelled walnut -and it's definitely not a good thing".

I'm not saying this is the same scenario with you.

What i am suggesting, is that you get a check-up - because feelings of this magnitude can twist your mind ('your' generic, not 'your' specific) and women have killed through hormonal imbalances....

I'm not implying you would - but this is a self-torture you may be going through - which is not down to your personal input, and may even be beyond your control....

 

just a thought.....

[standtall]

 

And this: In most religions, if one or the other partner renegs on having a baby, you do not have to get divorced.

 

THAT is the major allowable reason for annulment.

 

Consider it. Take your 15 year old and find a man who loves you and would love to have a baby with you.

 

Let him raise his three kids without your constant care.

 

If you read into her posts, she considers herself a Christian woman..she mentioned a pastor, so one could conclude that she is not Catholic. Now, I do not claim to be an expert on Christian sects, but I do believe the Catholic one is the only one that practices annulments. Besides, if she is a Bible believing Christian, nowhere in the Bible does it mention annulments.. and there are a lot of words and concepts there.

I don't think the inflammatory and extreme path you suggested is on her radar.

Edited April 5, 2012 by standtall

[findingnemo]

jenwantsbabywade, could i ask you a question?

When was the last time you had a gynae check-up?

I'm going to put something to you - i would rather have done it through a PM, but that's not possible....

 

as I've already stated, i can completely equate and identify with your current overwhelming desire to have another child. It's almost unconquerable....

but - and it's a big BUT - i subsequently discovered that this all-consuming fervent desire - was almost entirely hormone-driven.

and i needed remedial hormone treatment to redress the balance, because one of my ovaries was in serious trouble.

to quote my gynaecologist, after a laparoscopy:

"your right ovary is blooming - in fact, I dare say it would win prizes. However your left ovary resembles a shrivelled walnut -and it's definitely not a good thing".

I'm not saying this is the same scenario with you.

What i am suggesting, is that you get a check-up - because feelings of this magnitude can twist your mind ('your' generic, not 'your' specific) and women have killed through hormonal imbalances....

I'm not implying you would - but this is a self-torture you may be going through - which is not down to your personal input, and may even be beyond your control....

 

just a thought.....

 

This could be an issue... You owe it to yourself to check and be sure. There's a lot at stake here for you both. While I understand how you feel about wanting a baby, I also understand how he feels about not wanting more kids. It's hard, hard for you both and understandably is going to keep causing tension.

 

Let's look at this another way... Your H had his vasectomy about 10 years ago, right? The chances of reversal are small, almost non-existent, no? Have you read about it? Have you researched his chances? If the chances are slim, then having him go through a painful operation seems selfish. He loves you, of that there's no doubt.

 

On the other hand, how old are you again? What are the risks to you? There are always risks with pregnancy. Risks with the baby and risks for the mother.

 

Then there are the logistics of having a new member of the family who wakes up in the middle of the night...several times. Don't get me wrong. Babies are adorable but truth be told they take a toll on you. They come between lovers because of the sleepless nights, the exhaustion, the worrying and fretting that are usually libido killers.

 

Can you both try to discuss this without the counter accusations about who is selfish? You love him and want his baby. In your mind that may be the sign of love, the ultimate bond. In his mind, not wanting a child and wanting you and him together forever may be the most important thing. You want his baby...and he wants you. You're both being selfish for each other. Can't you both see that?

[jenwantsbabywade]

We are actually still relatively young... He is 32 & I am 33. He only had his vasectomy in 2007, my ovaries are fine, I ovulate as scheduled every month. We have done the research, or rather I have, and the success rate for his reversal is quite high. I hope this info clears up some information or assumptions. Thank you again everyone for your time and responses.

[hotgurl]

If you r husband is so selfish why do you ant a child with him? You already disapprove of his parenting (his words) wouldn't anothe rchild add to the conflict.

 

Also men need to have sex to feel emotionally close. So he is probably missing you intimacy to.

 

And At a certain point you are just done with kids. My daughter is leaving for college soon and yes I will miss her and am emotional about it but part of me is looking forward to having my life to myself again. Raising kids is hard work nad time intensive. I don't think it is really selfish to want to do your own thing after they are gone.

 

ok you answered the sex question but not the bigger question. Your husband already has said you are not happy with how he parents. You yourself say he is selfish. Why have another child. Are you hoping this will change. Are you ok with having to do all the heavy lifting?

[Mme. Chaucer]

In your husband's post he says that you are open to adopting OR to having artificial insemination to have this baby. If this is true, maybe you are having much more a maternal hormone issue than a desire to have your husband's baby.

[TaraMaiden]

I used to ovulate as scheduled every month, too... that's why i never thought that there might have been a problem.

I went to my gynae because in spite of everything appearing completely normal, i couldn't conceive, and i'd had no problem with my first.

like I said, one ovary was a prize-winner....

 

so it wouldn't hurt to have a check-up.....

 

know there might be a fear there of what you might find... and you're scared that if there is an imbalance, and it's rectified that will mean you'll no longer want the baby...

but i did.

 

less intensely, less 'my life depends on it' - but i still wanted it.....

[jenwantsbabywade]

I aplogize that I wasnt clear, my ovaries have been checked and I have no cysts or issues with either of them. I am sorry to hear this was a concern for you. Thank you again for your continued posts. I hope you have a pleasant day.

[TaraMaiden]

well if that's not a shut-down, i don't know what is....

 

so...you're just going to wait until September, then, huh?

 

OK....

 

you have a pleasant day too.

[hotgurl]

well if that's not a shut-down, i don't know what is....

 

so...you're just going to wait until September, then, huh?

 

OK....

 

you have a pleasant day too.

 

she didn't anser my question either.

[Mme. Chaucer]

she didn't anser my question either.

 

none of mine either … I'm wondering about this. But thank you for reading my posts and I hope you have a pleasant day.

[jenwantsbabywade]

In your husband's post he says that you are open to adopting OR to having artificial insemination to have this baby. If this is true, maybe you are having much more a maternal hormone issue than a desire to have your husband's baby.

 

My husbands post was actually incorrect... My husband proposed adoption and I said that doesn't appease my desire to procreate w/ HIM. I never considered it. I want a connection with my husband that can't be expressed in a forum. The bashing of me just because I desire to have a child with my husband is a bit much, but I give grace since others dont know the going ons in our household.

 

 

As far as hotgurls question regarding doing the heavy lifting, I already am so it would be no different. I would probabaly be a bit less resentful if I had the child I wanted, like a justification "this is what I asked for, this is what I got". Right now I do all the heavy lifting with minimal appreciation so whats different adding a child I desire to the mix going to change? I expect if we were to ever conceive he wouldnt really lift a finger until the child is able to walk on his own and my husband could introduce him to all of his hobbies. And yes, I am prepared to have a husband that checks out of the pregnancy nuances and raising it till toddler age when he will probably want to participate then when its a bit easier. Who know's, I may never know.

Edited April 5, 2012 by jenwantsbabywade
Misspelling

[LadyGrey]

Usually I'm for doing everything possible to make a marriage work unless there is infidelity or abuse involved, but I don't see this working out and perhaps you should let go and move on and find someone you are more compatible with in your need to have another baby. Both of you already have an incredible amount of resentment going on and if you have the baby there will be tons more on both sides, if you don't, there will tons more on both sides. Of course you've been concentrating on your husbands negatives here because he did the same on his thread but frankly he comes off as quite selfish and entitled and I wonder how much it had to do him marrying you is that he had someone who was willing and capable of taking on the bulk of the parent duties with his kids/your step children.

 

There are times when we sometimes have to accept that we love someone but there are also times when we have to accept that that person is wrong for us on many levels. I'm not saying that is what your marriage is, but food for thought. Resentment kills love.

[findingnemo]

We are actually still relatively young... He is 32 & I am 33. He only had his vasectomy in 2007, my ovaries are fine, I ovulate as scheduled every month. We have done the research, or rather I have, and the success rate for his reversal is quite high. I hope this info clears up some information or assumptions. Thank you again everyone for your time and responses.

 

Wow, you're both quite young. This^^^^ changes things a bit. When I was 30 (I'm 38 now), I was so determined to have children that I decided to find myself a H. I did so and was M within a year. It was not the best M for a number of reasons but I don't regret having kids. I had adopted a baby girl but needed to have biological children. It was a deep need that overshadowed everything else. Now my happiness comes mostly from seeing my children happy. It's priceless.

 

So I don't know what to tell you except to give it the time you planned. That's until September. But try not to let resentment lead to too many quarrels between now and then. That'll be hard but I'm sure you'll try.

[initfortheguinness]

Ok y'all,

 

Again, thank you for your efforts. My original reasons for posting on this forum (which my wife actually ended up locating and reading) have not changed.....I came here to hear about others' experience or opinions on the topic. I have two very directed questions for anyone with personal experience in the matter:

1) Regarding her very strong and emotional-driven feelings - For those that have been in her situation with these strong "knife to the stomach every time you see someone prego, or pushing a stroller" feelings.......Has anyone ever experienced these feelings passing?

 

2) Regarding my very logic-driven stance - For those that have felt as strongly as I do now, have you ever changed your mind....if so what was it that changed your mind?

 

 

A common theme to everyone's input is that one of us has to give or get divorced.....

 

My question now is has it ever happened before successfully? And by successfully I mean has one of the mates swayed from their original stance without the slightest of resentment either for a baby, the mother, or the husband (whichever the case)?

[standtall]

 

2) Regarding my very logic-driven stance - For those that have felt as strongly as I do now, have you ever changed your mind....if so what was it that changed your mind?

 

 

I was in the same boat 4 years ago. We are a Christian family, she was a 36 yr old stay at home mom, and I was 38 with kids 11,9 and 6. I had a vasectomy right after #3 was born, much to my wife's distress, and she was getting restless with the the youngest starting school full time. She looked into vasectomy reversals in Texas for about 10k$..to be honest, I stonewalled her by coming up with other things to do with the money. Fast forward 4 yrs and now it has been >10yrs since the vasectomy and the reversal success rate is poor. Additionally, she is now 40 and not so interested anymore. The other thing is my kids are extremely heavy into travel sports...hockey, baseball, and football..... and she is run ragged carting them around, so she has no time. There are moments that I feel for her by not expanding our family, but I made the decision and that is that. My advice is to start making her so busy with the kid stuff that she could not possibly want more. Combine that with the fact that it is 10k$ cash for a reversal, then start dumping the money into the house, vacations, etc. It worked for us.

[TaraMaiden]

 

1) Regarding her very strong and emotional-driven feelings - For those that have been in her situation with these strong "knife to the stomach every time you see someone prego, or pushing a stroller" feelings.......Has anyone ever experienced these feelings passing?

Yes, once i'd had my baby, all such feelings dissipated.

the strong urgency was hormone-driven, but even after treatment, i still wanted a child.

sure enough, after the baby, it all went.

OMMV.

 

....

....has one of the mates swayed from their original stance without the slightest of resentment either for a baby, the mother, or the husband (whichever the case)?

resentment may die down, but the memory lingers.

i don't think resentment ever goes.

My much-desired second daughter lives with her father, and in spite if this, I know for a fact he resents a second child's mouth to feed, even now...22 years later...