I want an "OUR" baby......he is disgusted by the idea.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ok y'all,

 

Again, thank you for your efforts. My original reasons for posting on this forum (which my wife actually ended up locating and reading) have not changed.....I came here to hear about others' experience or opinions on the topic. I have two very directed questions for anyone with personal experience in the matter:

1) Regarding her very strong and emotional-driven feelings - For those that have been in her situation with these strong "knife to the stomach every time you see someone prego, or pushing a stroller" feelings.......Has anyone ever experienced these feelings passing?

 

I had the baby tears. However I was told that I would not be able to have kids. So yes, every time I saw a Mom or family I felt pretty shattered. I didn't feel "cured" of this until I had my girl. I don't think watching a lot of Oprah or redecorating the kitchen fills the void. A baby is a baby. Well I don't think that you are "wrong" for saying no to your wife, it is A LOT to expect her to NEVER have a child of her own. ESPECIALLY when she is waist-high on yours. Talk about rubbing it in!

 

2) Regarding my very logic-driven stance - For those that have felt as strongly as I do now, have you ever changed your mind....if so what was it that changed your mind?

 

My pregnancy was unplanned (as we both thought I would not be conceiving. No, there was no trick involved, it happened after 3 years of no birth control! He was quite reluctant about the pregnancy. Very shocked and felt very trapped. Then he saw her ultrasound with her little hand in the air. The technician said "look, she's waving at you." DONE. he was smitten and when she came out he was absolutely into her. (he's had other issues that prevented him from being an instantly-decent parent). But he has been just so taken with her that he doesn't resent her the teeniest iota. She's his heart and it's beautiful.

 

A common theme to everyone's input is that one of us has to give or get divorced.....

 

My question now is has it ever happened before successfully? And by successfully I mean has one of the mates swayed from their original stance without the slightest of resentment either for a baby, the mother, or the husband (whichever the case)?

 

This may sound like I am pro "you guys having a baby together"

 

Not so much, no. I think that a lot of your attitudes do not sound compatible with having a baby whatsoever. I think that if you were that she would probably end up shouldering most of it and of course that isn't fair for the child either.

 

Heavy soul-searching to be done.

 

But asking someone to give up being a Mom at all......really not a great idea. Really not fair.

 

Let's say you guys split when she is in her late 40s, what does that leave her to look forward to? No kid, no husband, no grandkids. Blah. Not for me and it sounds like not for her either.

 

It sounds like she is getting somewhat late in the game and that a sperm bank might be in order.

[Lauriebell82]

Ok y'all,

 

Again, thank you for your efforts. My original reasons for posting on this forum (which my wife actually ended up locating and reading) have not changed.....I came here to hear about others' experience or opinions on the topic. I have two very directed questions for anyone with personal experience in the matter:

1) Regarding her very strong and emotional-driven feelings - For those that have been in her situation with these strong "knife to the stomach every time you see someone prego, or pushing a stroller" feelings.......Has anyone ever experienced these feelings passing?

 

2) Regarding my very logic-driven stance - For those that have felt as strongly as I do now, have you ever changed your mind....if so what was it that changed your mind?

 

 

A common theme to everyone's input is that one of us has to give or get divorced.....

 

My question now is has it ever happened before successfully? And by successfully I mean has one of the mates swayed from their original stance without the slightest of resentment either for a baby, the mother, or the husband (whichever the case)?

 

I haven't ever been in this situation, but a friend of mine has. She had an unplanned pregnancy with her boyfriend. He didn't want the baby, suggested an abortion. She refused, he went along with it. After their daugther was born he was very excited and changed his tune. He fell in love with their daugther and is a pretty great father. Unfortunately the relationship got strained after their daugther was born, they constantly break up and get back together. He keeps saying he will marry her, but alas never does. Their relationship is a mess to say the least. She continues to go back to him because of her daughter, because she doesn't want to seperate them (boyfriend and daughter). Unfortuantely this has led to some resentment I believe, not really that she resents having her daugther, but resents him for being the father.

 

A little different spin then what you guys are going through, but I guess the point is how the relationship will be effected AFTER your baby is born (if you would have one). You may not resent the baby, but you may end up resenting each other.

 

That being said, it could work out the opposite. It could be the best thing that ever happened to both of you. There is just really no way of knowing. I would say it's going to essentially be a toss up of how the situation will play out regardless of who gets "their way."

[maybealone]

Well I don't think that you are "wrong" for saying no to your wife, it is A LOT to expect her to NEVER have a child of her own. ESPECIALLY when she is waist-high on yours. Talk about rubbing it in!

 

She does have her own child from a previous relationship, she just doesn't have one with him.

 

I have been hesitant to comment on this thread because I don't have kids. But I will share some of the reasons why I don't have kids. I think people should really, really want a child before having one because nothing is guaranteed. We think about how much fun having a kid is and all the memories we will make as a family, but it doesn't always work that way. The OP, sadly, found that out with her first child. But in addition to losing a spouse, there also are special needs kids, kids with serious medical issues, infertility, divorce, and so on. It's nice to think we are guaranteed a perfect life and that we can raise a wonderful child that will someday move out, but sometimes that .

 

After reading this thread, I think that both spouses are a perfect example of the whole "love is blind" thing. It seems as though each was somewhat clear on what they wanted and either had some wishful thinking going on or thought the other one would change their minds.

 

Now it seems like they are stuck in a situation where one person has to give in and deal with the repercussions of resentment, or they have to go their separate ways. Personally, I can't imagine wanting to go through the whole ordeal of dating, potentially for years, just for the hope that I would find someone suitable for fathering a child and then hoping there would be no problems conceiving. On the other hand, I can't imagine someone wanting a baby as much as the OP does being able to move on without a whole lot of resentment.

 

I feel for you both, I really do. This is not an easy thing to deal with.

[hotgurl]

My husbands post was actually incorrect... My husband proposed adoption and I said that doesn't appease my desire to procreate w/ HIM. I never considered it. I want a connection with my husband that can't be expressed in a forum. The bashing of me just because I desire to have a child with my husband is a bit much, but I give grace since others dont know the going ons in our household.

 

 

As far as hotgurls question regarding doing the heavy lifting, I already am so it would be no different. I would probabaly be a bit less resentful if I had the child I wanted, like a justification "this is what I asked for, this is what I got". Right now I do all the heavy lifting with minimal appreciation so whats different adding a child I desire to the mix going to change? I expect if we were to ever conceive he wouldnt really lift a finger until the child is able to walk on his own and my husband could introduce him to all of his hobbies. And yes, I am prepared to have a husband that checks out of the pregnancy nuances and raising it till toddler age when he will probably want to participate then when its a bit easier. Who know's, I may never know.

 

ok two more questions.

 

1. How will you feel if you have the baby and it does not live up to your fantasy. It does not strengthen your bond and you don't get to experience all those things you feel you missed out on with your first child.

 

2. are you prepared to be a single parent again?

[hotgurl]

Ok y'all,

 

Again, thank you for your efforts. My original reasons for posting on this forum (which my wife actually ended up locating and reading) have not changed.....I came here to hear about others' experience or opinions on the topic. I have two very directed questions for anyone with personal experience in the matter:

1) Regarding her very strong and emotional-driven feelings - For those that have been in her situation with these strong "knife to the stomach every time you see someone prego, or pushing a stroller" feelings.......Has anyone ever experienced these feelings passing?

 

2) Regarding my very logic-driven stance - For those that have felt as strongly as I do now, have you ever changed your mind....if so what was it that changed your mind?

 

 

A common theme to everyone's input is that one of us has to give or get divorced.....

 

My question now is has it ever happened before successfully? And by successfully I mean has one of the mates swayed from their original stance without the slightest of resentment either for a baby, the mother, or the husband (whichever the case)?

 

1. For me the urge was gone. It started around 30-31 and by 33 it was gone.

 

I can't answer # 2 but resentment is something that is hard to shake. which is why this situation is so unfortunate

[frozensprouts]

I don't want to sound overly pessimistic, but every time you have a child, you basically "roll the dice and hope for the best"...

 

if you two do decide to try and have another child, I would hope that they would be string and healthy...but what if they weren't? Do you see yourself having it in you to be able to raise a child with medical/ psychological , etc. issues? Do you feel that your marriage would be able to survive?

 

some marriages grow even stronger when the husband/wife are raising a special child together, but more than a few just don't make it.

 

can either of you see raising this potential child on your own if they had issues?

 

I'm not saying this to dissuade you, if it's what you really want. Just saying that the potential is there, and you should keep it in mind.

 

each child is a gift, and they deserve to come into a family that really wants them...sometimes, things work out differently, and it takes seeing the baby for the first time for parent to find out how much they really wanted them...sometimes, that never happens...

 

in your situation, you are being given the chance to decide if having a baby is right for your marriage ...use this opportunity to choose wisely...and whatever decision you make, i wish you the best of luck

[Eddie Edirol]

 

My question now is has it ever happened before successfully? And by successfully I mean has one of the mates swayed from their original stance without the slightest of resentment either for a baby, the mother, or the husband (whichever the case)?

 

Heres the real question:

 

If you got the reversal and the baby, do you think YOU would be resentful for the time that you will lose for the rest of your life after the newborn novelty wears off? Do you think you will be resentful after you dont get sleep with the baby crying every 2 hours? I know you want to consider this to avoid losing your wife, but if you think you will be resentful, then you might as well get the marriage annulled now.

 

I think that you will. The passion you expressed for wanting to move to the next stage of your life seemed to say it all.

[jenwantsbabywade]

Well I don't believe my husband wants a divorce and I'm personally against it as well, so I don't really see a divorce happening.

 

It will come down to some serious soul searching on both of our parts, time will tell which direction we will go. I will definitely come back to the thread to provide updates. It really has been helfpul reading everyone's opinions, personal stories and feedback. Now that my husband has joined the thread, it's a bit more interesting, so I look forward to continued reading should this thread stay active.

[Mme. Chaucer]

So what's it like at home now that this topic is being discussed by both of you among people on an Internet forum? I'm sure it's impossible for you to both be posting here about it and still observe the hiatus on the subject.

[Trimmer]

why is everyone using sex/intimacy to patronise her? this isnt the problem! dont worry about it. the issue is about the child, you and your husband need to find away to meet half way on this or this marriage will not be getting very far!

When the issue is very specifically defined as "whether or not to have a child together", how do you meet halfway?

 

Again, if my husband said he would never ir wouldnt even consider a reversal I would not have married him. I dont think it is cookie cutter as you make it out to be.

I don't think it's cookie-cutter at all. As a matter of fact, I think the problem is that you allowed yourself to sit in the gray area in the middle, which allowed both of you to have very different ideas of the implications of that pre-marriage discussion - without really having a meeting of the minds - and that is what has brought you to your current impasse.

 

Or as this poster puts it:

After reading this thread, I think that both spouses are a perfect example of the whole "love is blind" thing. It seems as though each was somewhat clear on what they wanted and either had some wishful thinking going on or thought the other one would change their minds.

I agree completely.

 

Here is what puzzles me: if a man truly loves a woman, he has no compuntion about giving her a baby. It pumps his ego that the woman he loves wants to have his baby. He commits to it.

I think this is a wild oversimplification. If you women believe that a man cannot truly understand, at his core, the biological imperative women feel to have a child, then in response, I would propose that you cannot know a man's heart and mind well enough to declare authoritatively that "if a man truly loves a woman, he has no compunction about giving her a baby." Do you really believe we are mindless sperm donors? That we give so little thought to becoming fathers that we just do it like thoughtless robots when we are in love with a woman? That we can't be in love with a woman, and yet still not want to father children, or more children than we already have?

 

And this: In most religions, if one or the other partner renegs on having a baby, you do not have to get divorced.

 

THAT is the major allowable reason for annulment.

What, exactly, did they negotiate, that he went back on? He "alluded" that he would be "open to the idea" of a reversal. (I'm still curious as to exactly how that discussion went...) She even stated in her opening post that she was deluding hereself at that time, in her certainty that he would want to have a baby with her. How are you going to sell that on the annulment forms?

 

My husbands post was actually incorrect... My husband proposed adoption and I said that doesn't appease my desire to procreate w/ HIM. I never considered it. I want a connection with my husband that can't be expressed in a forum.

I actually get this. I know I'm not supposed to - because I'm a man - but I get the biological imperative. Apologies to the loving and well-bonded parents of adopted children, but I get how you would want to have a child together, that was your blood and genes combined. That's what I wanted, and adoption didn't seem as attractive when we discussed it either. I wanted to make kids that were OURS. I do get it.

 

But, frankly, you (both) blew it when you had the pre-marriage discussion. You came out of that without a meeting of the minds, and it's biting you now. Your current problem is not that either of you is being inherently unreasonable as a human being, it's not because either of you is right or wrong in what you want, in spite of how people are lining up on either side of the issue. It's because you both thought you discussed it, but you didn't end up with a meeting of the minds.

 

As far as hotgurls question regarding doing the heavy lifting, I already am so it would be no different. I would probabaly be a bit less resentful if I had the child I wanted, like a justification "this is what I asked for, this is what I got". Right now I do all the heavy lifting with minimal appreciation so whats different adding a child I desire to the mix going to change? I expect if we were to ever conceive he wouldnt really lift a finger until the child is able to walk on his own and my husband could introduce him to all of his hobbies. And yes, I am prepared to have a husband that checks out of the pregnancy nuances and raising it till toddler age when he will probably want to participate then when its a bit easier.

Wait a minute - you want to have a biological child, as a symbol of your combined relationship, as a merging of your blood and genes, something to bind you together, but you rationalize that if you do so, and your husband stays disconnected and uninvolved, you will be less resentful? That's your vision? Are you possibly deluding yourself here again?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Originally Posted by jenwantsbabywade

As far as hotgurls question regarding doing the heavy lifting, I already am so it would be no different. I would probabaly be a bit less resentful if I had the child I wanted, like a justification "this is what I asked for, this is what I got". Right now I do all the heavy lifting with minimal appreciation so whats different adding a child I desire to the mix going to change? I expect if we were to ever conceive he wouldnt really lift a finger until the child is able to walk on his own and my husband could introduce him to all of his hobbies. And yes, I am prepared to have a husband that checks out of the pregnancy nuances and raising it till toddler age when he will probably want to participate then when its a bit easier.

 

So, Wade, since you are also participating in this discussion now - how does reading how your wife feels about your parenting abilities make you feel? Is this inspiring you to get your vasectomy reversed sometime soon?

 

And what if "little Wade" turned out to be little Wadeline? Would she enjoy all of the manly hobbies?

 

It really sounds like the marriage is in serious trouble which the capitulation of either party will not resolve. Maybe try some serious and longterm marriage counseling. Good luck.

[jenwantsbabywade]

Thanks again everyone for the latest responses. It appears the overall census most recently is I am the evil wife that is selfish because I desire a fantasy toy like baby to hold my husband to me. The responses that essentially side with him are a bit far fetched but I have no desire to rebuttal each-one. The reality is, he is not ever going to do a reversal, his kids do come first, and what I desire really doesnt matter after that. My husband is fueled with confirmation after reading all the pro-husband posts. So the reality that this forum confirmed is nothing will change and I will mourn alone never having a 2nd child and force myself to somehow find exclusive fufillment in raising his 3. I do find it ludicrous that I am penalized for desiring a child with my husband, or wanting a child of my own with him somehow makes me the wicked step-mother. To each their own, we did ask for your opinion. Anyhow, thank you again for the candid responses.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks again everyone for the latest responses. It appears the overall census most recently is I am the evil wife that is selfish because I desire a fantasy toy like baby to hold my husband to me. The responses that essentially side with him are a bit far fetched but I have no desire to rebuttal each-one. The reality is, he is not ever going to do a reversal, his kids do come first, and what I desire really doesnt matter after that. My husband is fueled with confirmation after reading all the pro-husband posts. So the reality that this forum confirmed is nothing will change and I will mourn alone never having a 2nd child and force myself to somehow find exclusive fufillment in raising his 3. I do find it ludicrous that I am penalized for desiring a child with my husband, or wanting a child of my own with him somehow makes me the wicked step-mother. To each their own, we did ask for your opinion. Anyhow, thank you again for the candid responses.

 

Jen, none of us REALLY know the two of you or your situation. All we know is that you got married knowing the situation as it was, but hoping the other would "come around." It happens a lot in marriages.

 

I think when you stated that you would NOT leave him, even if he decided not to get a reversal and that you would settle for not having a child, it became clear that some posters began attempts to question your motives and WHY you really wanted this baby if you were willing to give up this dream. Your husband holds more cards then you do in this situation (ie HE would have to get the reversal to make this happen at all), therefore posters also may have found more reasons to try to pick apart YOUR motives then his. His motives are fact based (cost and effectiveness of reversal, already having 3 children) and your's are based on emotions. Emotions are easier to argue with then facts.

 

I don't think it's fair for either of you to give up what you want. But this situation is so tough because the two of you clearly want different things. I think that on an internet forum you are going to get a variety of different responses, some in your favor, some in your husbands. We are all posting from different experiences, different genders, different opinions. Please do not let this forum get you down. Attempt to work things out with your husband. There truely may be a way to resolve this situation to where you both will be happy. I hope that happens for you.

[dreamingoftigers]

I didn't realize that you were a mom before.

 

Other then that.... No it isn't evil to want baby #2.

 

I think it's a lot to ask a guy to go through a painful reversal when he isn't really wanting a child and that would be hurtful for the child too.

 

That being said, wanting a child is an extremely powerful drive.

 

I also think your husband is somewhat immature from the overall tone of his postings and his regard for your feelings.

 

Furthermore, I don't think "random forum on the Internet" should be the tie-breaker for both of you. Seeking counseling beyond the church would probably be the best bet. Otherwise you are both likely to have unresolved resent over the situation.

[Lauriebell82]

It's perfectly natural for a healthy woman in her early thirties to want to get pregnant and have babies.

 

This is a very natural biological drive which is a result of millions of years of mammalian evolution.

 

It is extremely UNnatural for a healthy male in his early thirties to surgically castrate himself.

 

The OP should not be faulted simply because she wants to procreate with her husband. That's a healthy and natural attitude.

 

It's not her fault that, for his own reasons, her husband had himself surgically castrated.

 

What is the point of bothering to get married to someone if there is zero interest in having children with them?

 

Not everyone has an old fashioned view of marriage. Plenty of people marry for reasons other then to procreate and get permanent surgery to prevent future procreation.

[Eddie Edirol]

It's perfectly natural for a healthy woman in her early thirties to want to get pregnant and have babies.

 

This is a very natural biological drive which is a result of millions of years of mammalian evolution.

 

It is extremely UNnatural for a healthy male in his early thirties to surgically castrate himself.

 

The OP should not be faulted simply because she wants to procreate with her husband. That's a healthy and natural attitude.

 

It's not her fault that, for his own reasons, her husband had himself surgically castrated.

 

What is the point of bothering to get married to someone if there is zero interest in having children with them?

 

 

You need to read the whole thread to understand why this is such a toss up.

[CarrieT]

The responses that essentially side with him are a bit far fetched but I have no desire to rebuttal each-one.

 

You know.... the responses are based on what you wrote and what he wrote. That they are "far fetched" is your myopic vision because you are set FOR a baby.

 

We are all just bystanders basing an opinion on what we see and read and -- for many of us who have been in the same boat (or not) -- personal experience.

 

That the general consensus sides with your husband might be a tipping point that YOU should consider in the grand scheme of things.

[jenwantsbabywade]

the general consensus is actually divorce or annulment. i dont think everyone has sided w/ him, not even the majority. i do appreciate everyone's opinions and taking the time to respond on their own experiences.

 

I feel like I am being judged because I married a man that I was in love with and I hung onto his words that he would be open to discussing the possibility of a reversal, I also agreed to take on the raising of his 3 kids, etc --- again, all things i wanted. I did not consider however that in making this life decision (to marry him), that I was also seriously signing up for never having another child of my own. I feel like my husband has been using almost every excuse provided on this forum to justify his logic and why his stance is more rational (i.e. you could get a sick child, you will alienate the other kids in the house, this or that could happen, blah blah blah). This could happen to ANYONE.

 

Anywayssss, we both start IC this week, he said he'd go and I just pray he will take it serious and personally invest time into it to see areas that he could improve in our marriage and I'm not just referring to the B topic. I'm a woman and I have no problem going to a counselor and humbling myself to learn different ways of communicating or seeing things. My husband however doesn't really have a shred of humility. So we'll see.

 

Although I can't fathom the idea of being divorced again and literally tearing up the kids' worlds all over again, it is perhaps a strong possibility that apart from all of our commonalities, many areas that we are so in sync, this B topic, his inability to be empathetic and his ADD may just prove to be too much that divorce is something we both succumb to.

 

By the way, to the poster that alluded perhaps he and I got together through an affair... umm not so much. If you read my original post, you'd see that he was divorced due to his ex's infedelity x100, her last infedelity during their marriage resulted in a pregancy of another mans baby. She immediately moved out and took up a house with the father of the baby and eventually moved out of state (w/out kids). My husband had a fling for a few months w/ another girl during their separation, and then we ultimately met and got together...He was just starting the actual divorce process when we met.

 

Anyhow, thanks again for everyone's feedback. I go from being resentful some days and emotional the next. I feel hopeless for many reasons, mainly that I'm having to realize my marriage is overall failing, and not just because we can't decide which way to go on the B topic.

 

I'll do some praying and hopefully find some guidance, 6 months into my marriage and we're already talking divorce. This is a very sad, humbling experience to say the least.

[whichwayisup]

The reality is, he is not ever going to do a reversal, his kids do come first, and what I desire really doesnt matter after that. My husband is fueled with confirmation after reading all the pro-husband posts. So the reality that this forum confirmed is nothing will change and I will mourn alone never having a 2nd child and force myself to somehow find exclusive fufillment in raising his 3. I do find it ludicrous that I am penalized for desiring a child with my husband, or wanting a child of my own with him somehow makes me the wicked step-mother. To each their own, we did ask for your opinion. Anyhow, thank you again for the candid responses.

 

I know you're upset.. I'm going to be honest but all this stuff was a reality from the day you married him. You knew he had the 'snip'. You knew he already had 3 kids. You walked into a package deal - Like it or not the kids DO come first over your needs a lot of the time (obviously if you need help, like emergency, illness that landed you in the hospital, he'd be by your side) but his number one priority most of the time IS the kids.

 

Bolded part. Check this and either end the marriage and find someone who can fulfill your need to have another baby (didn't you say you have one child already?) OR, accept that you have a man who has 3 kids and embrace his kids as your own. Love them, be friends with them, support them, be a mom. If you let this fester and let yourself feel resentment, it WILL ruin your marriage, your relationship with your husband. He knows this and I know deep down so do you.

[whichwayisup]

DO counseling. together and apart. You two owe it to eachother to do everything possible to make this marriage work. Also, he owes it to his kids.

 

many areas that we are so in sync, this B topic, his inability to be empathetic and his ADD may just prove to be too much that divorce is something we both succumb to.

 

WIth that said, he also may not be able to handle another baby and having a fourth kid might push him over the edge.

[Eve]

Jen -

 

I really felt for you when you wrote this -

 

Anyhow, thanks again for everyone's feedback. I go from being resentful some days and emotional the next. I feel hopeless for many reasons, mainly that I'm having to realize my marriage is overall failing, and not just because we can't decide which way to go on the B topic.

 

I would say that the general health of your marriage is what counts most definately as this is the potential environment that you will be bringing another child into. Looking at what has been said, on the positive side, at least you can both be honest with each other.. I quite like that about you two... but yes, it is clear that this is going to come down to whether this is a dealbreaker or not. No way around that.

 

I have been baby crazy for a while and understand how you feel Jen. My urge came out of nowhere though. Personally I think it is a case of just concentrating on building up your marriage and returning to this issue in a few months. Give yourself time to adjust to being married and all that and see if there is anything there between the both of you two which can be salvaged.

 

For me personally I would not give up my opportunity to have a second child, so would walk away. I think I would be concerned that I would end up resenting his children and would not want that... but as a woman who already has a grown family I would say that it maybe good to also have individual psychotherapy to look at what this child represents to you Jen. Have some 'me' time during all this and look at other aspects of your life such as whether you are enjoying working, or if there is anything else you would like to do.

 

Same for Hubby. It would be good for him to have individual space to look at where he is at the moment and what he wants for the future.

 

Then come together and discuss.

 

Don't worry too much that this has happened. It is ok for things to change.

 

What matters is that you get past any sense of 'having to do' anything and get back to that sense of choice.. even if it means that you do eventually part.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[soserious1]

The biggest thing that jumps out at me in all of this is not the fact that you want a baby but rather the fact that you want a baby with someone that you clearly have so many issues with.

 

Jen, you describe your husband as a person who doesn't have a shred of "humility" you list some pretty serious issues regarding the parenting ability he demonstrates with the three biological children he already has.

 

Have you ever stopped to consider the possibility that on some level your husband was/is all too aware of his limitations as a parent & got that vasectomy because he wanted to make sure that he wasn't subjecting another child to his issues?

 

You are feeling a deep biological drive right now, I certainly won't tell you that your desire is wrong but will remind you that an innocent third party gets to live with the results of your choices.

 

Would you really want to be a baby born to a resentful, inattentive father?

[Mme. Chaucer]

The problem you are having with a lot of the advice you are getting on this board is because among many people there is a distinct bias against the notion that a very basic reason to get married to someone is because you want to have children and actually have a family with them (not just a "ready made family.")

 

Sorry, but if this is the impetus behind THIS marriage, it was a mistake from the start.

 

A woman who wants to fulfill the "natural" function of marriage (in your opinion) of having children with her "mate" was ill advised to choose a mate who already had voluntarily rendered himself sterile.

 

Even if he had "alluded" to "the possibility of discussing" reversal of the surgery. That does not sound very positive to me.

[Eddie Edirol]

I feel hopeless for many reasons, mainly that I'm having to realize my marriage is overall failing, and not just because we can't decide which way to go on the B topic.

 

 

You know Jen, me and a couple other posters were kind of suspicious that there were other problems with the marriage that you and your husband didnt reveal in earlier posts, but now you are saying that your marriage is overall failing. Now is it failing because of how you feel about having a baby, or was it failing before the Btopic came to a head?

 

Baby aside, I truly hope that you cant resolve the marriage issues with your husband and find that you can live a long healthy life together. I honestly wouldnt want to see you two divorce of other problems in your marriage can be solved.

[Trimmer]

Baby aside, I truly hope that you cant resolve the marriage issues with your husband...

Boy, if that isn't a Freudian slip, I don't know what is...