Barrsitter Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 (edited) I never told you the whole story. xMM and I were high school sweethearts for 2 yrs (38 yrs ago). We parted after high school. He married his current wife in 1983. I've had a restless personal life - 2 divorces and been single for the past 19 yrs. He said he wanted to look for me several times over the years but didn't. Finally asked me to lunch in 2009 to tell me how I had influenced him to be very successful. He asked me out again. The A started. We both realized that we made a mistake not staying together after high school. Deep soul connection exists. A lasted 2.5 yrs and ended Oct 2011 when he couldn't or wouldn't leave his M. Most days I'm ok and know that I did the right thing walking away. Some days I'm angry - feels like I got thrown under the bus. Everday his memory lingers in a haunting sort of way. Conclusion - deep soul connection rather meaningless, apparently Edited March 31, 2012 by Barrsitter Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 What happened to start the NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Bailey14 Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Oh, sweetie, your story is my story.......only my high school thing was 44 years ago. The only thing you did better than I? I continue to be tormented by the ongoing relationship. Please tell me how you found the courage to end it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepMeInMind Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I can't imagine anything more difficult than having a deep soul connection and losing it, or never truly getting to have it all to yourself. It just doesn't seem like one could ever fully recover from feeling like a piece of their soul is gone. I mean that as an OW or as a BS. It is devastating on either side of the fence if you feel so deeply connected to someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I can't imagine anything more difficult than having a deep soul connection and losing it, or never truly getting to have it all to yourself. It just doesn't seem like one could ever fully recover from feeling like a piece of their soul is gone. I mean that as an OW or as a BS. It is devastating on either side of the fence if you feel so deeply connected to someone. I understand what you are saying. I wonder if I will ever be the same. Like the innocence is lost. That is a valid point! Link to post Share on other sites
KeepMeInMind Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I understand what you are saying. I wonder if I will ever be the same. Like the innocence is lost. That is a valid point! I've dealt with love lost. I've dealt with the death of a close loved one. Honestly, this hurt, of losing a soul connection, feels like the other person has died. I'm not meaning to be dramatic. That is honestly what the hurt feels like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Bailey - you asked what caused the NC? He asked me why I couldn't let he and his W sort it out. I was taken aback by that. Later, it hit me. All we did was talk about his M and whether he would leave, instead of talking about us and our future. It was a pivotal moment. I walked away. Here's the thing that really got me though. I asked him once, if his wife walked out the door and said she was leaving him, would he chase after her and beg her to stay. He said: no. So I said: well, then why do you stay? No answer. I think he's waiting for her to kick him out which in my books demonstrates a lack of integrity. He's there b/c he doesn't want to be the bad guy. Not very impressive, in my view. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 KeepMeInMind - I agree. Never getting to fully realize a soul connection is a unique sort of pain. It leaves you wondering what might have been..... Link to post Share on other sites
KeepMeInMind Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 That reminds me of something I said to MM. Don't be afraid to seek true happiness just because you don't want to hurt her. Lots of people realize the other person isn't right for them and break up/leave/divorce, whether there is an A or not. I think it is just much, much harder for people to walk away from a M for it, especially if there are children. Luckily, no kids in my scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
KeepMeInMind Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." In a deep soul connection loss, do you all believe that still? I'm torn. I'm grateful for the love we shared, and for feeling that soul connection. Just not sure the pain is worth it. But..my pain is very, very fresh. Maybe I will feel differently when I heal..if I ever do. I told MM that I would never regret our time together. It's hard to regret getting to experience such feelings and such a bond. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Keep....good point about seeking true happiness. I said similar things to my xMM. One of his excuses for not leaving: "I'm all she has". Good grief. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Keep...you say you don't regret your time together. I regret mine. I was very happy and settled before we started our A. Now...I'm just sad all the time. I wish he'd never contacted me. Link to post Share on other sites
KeepMeInMind Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Keep...you say you don't regret your time together. I regret mine. I was very happy and settled before we started our A. Now...I'm just sad all the time. I wish he'd never contacted me. I'm so sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Keep...thank you. It helps having LS to share feelings and ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Bailey - you asked what caused the NC? He asked me why I couldn't let he and his W sort it out. I was taken aback by that. Later, it hit me. All we did was talk about his M and whether he would leave, instead of talking about us and our future. It was a pivotal moment. I walked away. Here's the thing that really got me though. I asked him once, if his wife walked out the door and said she was leaving him, would he chase after her and beg her to stay. He said: no. So I said: well, then why do you stay? No answer. I think he's waiting for her to kick him out which in my books demonstrates a lack of integrity. He's there b/c he doesn't want to be the bad guy. Not very impressive, in my view. You were his counselor/therapist. Thats not good. My xMM tried to talk about his M, but I wouldn't allow it. I was with you, don't leave because of me, leave because you are unhappy. The last thing I said to him was he needed to still leave, for himself and for her as well. That she deserved someone who loved her and was honest, and he deserved peace. As far as me, I deserved someone who loved me and only me and could be there for me. And although he might love me, he didn't love me enough. Cowardly and lack of integrity for not wanting to be the bad guy. Drive someone completely nuts so the walk, in order to not have to be the bad guy... same as my xMM, and definitely NOT trait that I would want in a life partner. Again, proud of you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Wannabe...great post and much to think on. Thank you. Your situation is like mine. I told xMM that he is cheating his W out of a H who wants to be ML to her (xMM stopped ML to his W 5 yrs ago) - that his wife deserves someone who wants to go on vacation with her (that stopped 5 yrs ago b/c he said he didn't like spending that much time with her). They have money and can go on vacations, but he won't take her. My parents who are in their 80s have a great M - they still go on vacation. So, why would my xMM's wife want to stay with someone who won't take her on vacation or ML to her? I don't get that. Meanwhile, he acknowledged to me that he wanted me, wants to take me all over the place, could live with me in a tent. And I felt the same way. Yet, there he stays. Out of guilt, lack of courage, not wanting to upset her. So we all suffer. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me that there is another man for his wife - a man who would adore her in every way. Her true soulmate. So my xMM in his stubborness is preventing all of us from being with their true-intended. So annoying! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 and yes...I was his counselor. Never again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bailey14 Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I completely understand your sadness......before my EMR began a year and a half ago, my heart was at peace. I enjoyed my life, my friends, my house, etc. Now everything feels like it is churning and I have no peace. I was never a lonely person......now I feel lonely all the time. It really does suck, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 You were his counselor/therapist. Thats not good. My xMM tried to talk about his M, but I wouldn't allow it. I was with you, don't leave because of me, leave because you are unhappy. I agree. Many OW/OM ENABLE their MM/MW to remain M. You are the psalm for what ails...whether it be sexual or "therapy" or recaptured youth or whatever HE/SHE seeks. Whatever the MM/MW is missing, they seek in the AP. Very rarely do the truly WANT to leave (or they would have left already). This applies in virtually 99% of cases...including barsitter. She was the salve to his ailment, led on with promises (implicit or otherwise) for "tomorrow". Ultimately, the MM/MW doesn't leave, never really wanted out (generally) - just wanted some lacking need met. The last thing I said to him was he needed to still leave, for himself and for her as well. That she deserved someone who loved her and was honest, and he deserved peace. As far as me, I deserved someone who loved me and only me and could be there for me. And although he might love me, he didn't love me enough. There is a subtle yet crucial difference between loving the OM/OW and loving the way the OM/OW makes one feel. Its hard to see that as love. And for me, if I loved them, I would NEVER deliberately cause them deep pain - or allow a situation to exist that would allow a reasonable person to conclude it would cause them pain. I think most humans understand this. And, if one applies that litmus to an A setting...love no longer seems an appropriate word. Cowardly and lack of integrity for not wanting to be the bad guy. Drive someone completely nuts so the walk, in order to not have to be the bad guy... same as my xMM, and definitely NOT trait that I would want in a life partner. Not too mention that, absent IC for the newly D MM, those traits remain unchanged. And barsitter...everything you feel is normal. Its grieving what you thought you had. Promise you will make it out the other side...find that same, no deeper and truer, love in the future. It happens to the best of us...keep going...the only way to NOT make is to stop. So Keep going! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 JWI - thank you for your understanding and encouragement. I hope you right that I will get through this b/c some days, I'm not so sure. I am really very hurt by all this. And I'm in my mid-50s and really don't need this crap. I really would like to be married to a wonderful M that I would cherish and he would cherish me. That is what I want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Yes Bailey- it sucks. Large. I truly wish he had never contacted me. I am very tempted to write him an email and tell him to go you-know-what himself. But I think silence is best. I refuse to let him know anything about me and have decided that if he ever contacts me, I will not respond. He doesn't deserve to know how I feel or what I think or anything about me. Thank you B for your encouragement and kindness. Truly appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 JWI - thank you for your understanding and encouragement. I hope you right that I will get through this b/c some days, I'm not so sure. I am really very hurt by all this. And I'm in my mid-50s and really don't need this crap. I really would like to be married to a wonderful M that I would cherish and he would cherish me. That is what I want. And THAT you will have. Why? Because you have realized you want it and deserve it. And you were never going to have it while tied to the A. You removed yourself, you know what you want and you will achieve this!!! Staying in an A makes you NEVER able to move on to the life that you deserve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I never told you the whole story. xMM and I were high school sweethearts for 2 yrs (38 yrs ago). We parted after high school. He married his current wife in 1983. I've had a restless personal life - 2 divorces and been single for the past 19 yrs. He said he wanted to look for me several times over the years but didn't. Finally asked me to lunch in 2009 to tell me how I had influenced him to be very successful. He asked me out again. The A started. We both realized that we made a mistake not staying together after high school. Deep soul connection exists. A lasted 2.5 yrs and ended Oct 2011 when he couldn't or wouldn't leave his M. Most days I'm ok and know that I did the right thing walking away. Some days I'm angry - feels like I got thrown under the bus. Everday his memory lingers in a haunting sort of way. Conclusion - deep soul connection rather meaningless, apparently Lots of articles have been written on the old sweetheart effect...basically, saying that it's often an illusion and often people are living out some fantasy from before and living on the fumes of nostalgia...not based in reality of the NOW and then it's hyped up to seem like this is a soul connection over time and space. When it's not. Also with the advent of social networking, often when life is going awry, people will look up their old sweethearts and think about those "wonderful, simple" times and then before you know it....are on that nostalgic world wind....an escape from their real life by living in the past of what once was. The person is old and familiar and it can of course be explained as lost-love and a soul connection, easier than if you randomly start talking to a new person you just met. It's the perfect breeding ground for fantasies. Most times people don't approach each other as the NEW adults they are in the present, but try to go back to 1974 and how the person "used to be". Which doesn't fare well. But I always knew that most times that was off....as frankly, I'm in my twenties and I realize my high school relationships were puppy love, not very substantial or deep and I actually have NOTHING in common with my high school crushes and bfs now. I don't even really count my HS "relationships" as real, just because it was so superficial. I felt strongly, yes. But feelings are just one aspect...and from experience, I already know you can feel strongly for LOTS of reasons that are not even about "pure love". But we had no tools and no maturity to actually have a real, substantial, adult relationship. So for me...I find it a bit crazy that people actually would go back to HS sweethearts, when it seems like as an adult, you'd view the whole thing differently. I'm not judging you btw Barrister, hope you know. I'm just explaining that for me the phenomena never made sense as my high school years were not that long ago but even so, I feel like I have grown soooo much and have no desire to reconnect with anyone from then. I was a kid then....I'm an adult now and I see things so differently. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Wannab....thank you!!! May you also have the happiness and true love you deserve and desire.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Barrsitter, We are about the same age, so we have to consider how divorce would affect our upcoming retirement. I know for a fact my H is greedy and cheap with his money. I'm sure if he had an OW that wanted him to divorce, he wouldn't do it no matter how much he loved her, simply because he doesn't want to half anything with me.(even though both of us contributed all these years) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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