6 months NC - some observations

[wannabdone]

I agree.

Many OW/OM ENABLE their MM/MW to remain M. You are the psalm for what ails...whether it be sexual or "therapy" or recaptured youth or whatever HE/SHE seeks. Whatever the MM/MW is missing, they seek in the AP.

 

Very rarely do the truly WANT to leave (or they would have left already).

 

This applies in virtually 99% of cases...including barsitter. She was the salve to his ailment, led on with promises (implicit or otherwise) for "tomorrow". Ultimately, the MM/MW doesn't leave, never really wanted out (generally) - just wanted some lacking need met.

 

 

I agree with you. When I said the "might love me, but not enough", this man would agrue with me for hours about how he loved me. He was amazingly good at picking one little statement and making the entire conversation about that, thus making the original intention of what I was wanted to say never happen.

 

He loved me, I guess, as much as a socipath could. Which they can not. If he did love me, he would not have figured so much out about me, and used those very things to convince me this was real. He wouldn't have wanted me to stay and wait for him, mean while devasting my life. He would have said "I love you enough to let you go, because I know I will never leave.". His actions OVER AND OVER again did nothing but prove to me that he did not feel I deserved anything more than to be the lady on the side. I told him that I loved him and myself enough to give him what he wants, and let him stay in his M.

That I in fact, was helping him stay M. He had the best of both worlds. A wife and children: his family. And a beautiful, young woman on the side who loved and adored him. Listened to his non stop talking about himself and his problems. Why on earth would he ever change any of it?????

 

He did not care if his wife and I got small bits of a relationship. He only cared he was fulfilled. And he only did "the right thing" when a d day would come and he was scared of being found out by his community. However, once the dust settled... here he would come with how awful it had been, I had no idea, she is so controlling and mean, turning my kids agaisnt me, I love my kids, I love you...BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

 

And its my fault, that I listen and wanted to believe and went agaisnt everything I knew was probably the truth. NEVER AGAIN. NEVER SETTLING AGAIN.

[Barrsitter]

beenburned....ain't it the truth! And if so, how pathetic! I'm not motivated by money, but love and emotional honesty. I lied to myself about how happy I was with my 2nd H (who was abusive). When I summoned the courage to leave him, I promised myself that I would never let other people's opinions dictate what was right for me. So, in my view, money is a terribly poor excuse for not leaving a M.

[wannabdone]

Barrsitter,

 

We are about the same age, so we have to consider how divorce would affect our upcoming retirement.

 

I know for a fact my H is greedy and cheap with his money.

 

I'm sure if he had an OW that wanted him to divorce, he wouldn't do it no matter how much he loved her, simply because he doesn't want to half anything with me.(even though both of us contributed all these years)

 

 

Would your H ever admit to that though? That it was about $??

Just curious.

 

btw... bb... I like you. Just wanted you to know.

[wannabdone]

Wannab....thank you!!! May you also have the happiness and true love you deserve and desire....

 

 

thank you Barr... I am trying. Hopefully someday, my friend.

[beenburned]

MissBee,

 

I totally understand the draw of old loves, especially first loves! They have a special place in my heart, due to all the good memories and times.

 

I do agree that no one stays the same, and people are totally different than when they were young. But sometimes the chemical attraction is still present even years later.

 

It is really just speculation as to whether the old loves would have worked out if we had married them.

 

wannabdone,

 

Thank you, I like you too!

 

No, he would never admit that fact to anybody.(not even an OW, if he had one)

 

That fact would make him look bad in other people's eyes.

(except for his immediate family, as they are the same way)

[whichwayisup]

I never told you the whole story.

 

xMM and I were high school sweethearts for 2 yrs (38 yrs ago). We parted after high school. He married his current wife in 1983. I've had a restless personal life - 2 divorces and been single for the past 19 yrs. He said he wanted to look for me several times over the years but didn't. Finally asked me to lunch in 2009 to tell me how I had influenced him to be very successful. He asked me out again. The A started. We both realized that we made a mistake not staying together after high school. Deep soul connection exists. A lasted 2.5 yrs and ended Oct 2011 when he couldn't or wouldn't leave his M. Most days I'm ok and know that I did the right thing walking away. Some days I'm angry - feels like I got thrown under the bus. Everday his memory lingers in a haunting sort of way.

 

Conclusion - deep soul connection rather meaningless, apparently

You did the right thing by ending it. I'm sorry that you're hurting and having hauntings of him.. Hope some day soon all that goes away.

 

Not meaningless, just not enough for them to change their whole life and start over.

[KeepMeInMind]

MissBee, I'm with you. If I ran into any old boyfriends, I would feel nothing at all. No nostalgia, no "what might have been" etc. So if I were to run into an old flame and DID feel something very strong, I would say it was a strong connection, period, not some psychological phenomenon.

[sad puppy]

Hi there, I've been thinking of you and glad to see you here, although I've seen a few of your Madea encouragements to others. I want to thank you for helping me, last fall, find my inner Madea, as I was struggling. Well, I went NC Jan 6, so I'm almost at 3 months. He is still moved out, that I know, but whether he's truly on track for the divorce or trying to reconcile, I have not a clue. I needed to walk away and although, tres difficult, I am proud for not breaking NC. However, I go back and forth in my heart & mind, so I feel for you right now.

 

6 months NC is very good on your part. It is so hard when we really like someone and am accustomed to them in our lives, and we desire a future with them. It is a bit of a burden to be a woman as we are deeply involved with our emotions. But!!! We have good, strong minds that wrestle with our hearts and therein lies the turmoil.

 

Starting my path, with your help & Heart's last fall, I started with the "surrender" concept, just to try and let things be, to stop pushing, controlling, frankly, I tried to stop managing the Universe (very difficult for me, haha). I still believe energetically in surrendering when the struggle becomes too hard. It means really letting go. Deep breath, really releasing it all.

 

I firmly believe that a woman having an affair allows the man to stay in his marriage, she is meeting needs of his that are not being met within the marriage, could be sexual, emotional, fun times, or a combo of all that and other things. I REFUSED to go along any longer without him making a decision, and making some movement. Once I firmly grasped that concept, it was way easier to make my voice heard, loud and clear, and basically give him an ultimatum. People say ultimatums don't work, well, I didn't want to be an OW forever, so he either had to leave or I was out.

 

You have made the right choice, darling, for yourself. You are missing him - very natural. I relate to the soulmate/soul connection/twin soul stuff, my xMM and I had the whole 11 11 thing going on, scary but cool! Yes, you may have that deep soul connection and I understand what that's about. Sometimes our soulmates or twin souls come into our lives but it is only for a temporary time, not until the day we die. Sometimes they come in & out of our lives, different circumstances lead them to us and us to them. You can set your intention to the Universe, but you must let it go.

 

He may come back to you, he may not. But let's think about it - if he is so complacent, so lazy, so cowardly to stay in an unhappy place with a wife that he doesn't even want to travel with, that is lame. And sad. It exhibits either a laziness or cowardliness towards life. He's good with things being just ok. Not to be admired. He's one of those people that welcome others' happy energy into their lives, but at the end of the day, they don't want change, they just are sorta settled, ultimately too lazy or satisfied with the status quo. I don't like that characteristic in people, you know what I mean?

 

You, on the other hand, are funny, smart, and insightful. Your lovely energy needs not to be wasted. You have spunk, and at the end of the day, are really too involved in life & energetically positive that he may have brought you down. Do you want a guy that just sort of loafs along in life, doesn't have the get up & go attitude to take life by the horns and create a great new life? No, you don't!!!!! You want to acknowledge that it was great that you reconnected, he's still special to you, but he's a putz that wants to stay in his tiresome (no sex) marriage, where they don't even vacation together. Really? Let him have it. My motto: 'You want it, you got it".

 

With wonderful parents like yours where they vacation together into their 80's - that is the shining example for us all! Mostly for you! So, keep releasing your emotions, try to look at the stark facts about him, which we never do when we're in love. See him for who he is, if he wants to stay where he's at, well, later to him! He will either wake the hell up and make a move or he'll stay exactly where he is - in that place of quiet desperation. YOU do not have to sign up for that program. YOU have the opportunity to continue to have a great life, not one which is centered around another person that doesn't make you happy. See?

 

I am wishing you the best, it is so hard, especially when there are emtoions, questions, ... involved. But your inner Madea is there, bring her back out, surrender to the Universe, thank the Universe for your reconnection, but that was just a stop in the road for you, you gotta set your sights out there and keep going, girl!! XXOO

[wannabdone]

Hi there, I've been thinking of you and glad to see you here, although I've seen a few of your Madea encouragements to others. I want to thank you for helping me, last fall, find my inner Madea, as I was struggling. Well, I went NC Jan 6, so I'm almost at 3 months. He is still moved out, that I know, but whether he's truly on track for the divorce or trying to reconcile, I have not a clue. I needed to walk away and although, tres difficult, I am proud for not breaking NC. However, I go back and forth in my heart & mind, so I feel for you right now.

 

6 months NC is very good on your part. It is so hard when we really like someone and am accustomed to them in our lives, and we desire a future with them. It is a bit of a burden to be a woman as we are deeply involved with our emotions. But!!! We have good, strong minds that wrestle with our hearts and therein lies the turmoil.

 

Starting my path, with your help & Heart's last fall, I started with the "surrender" concept, just to try and let things be, to stop pushing, controlling, frankly, I tried to stop managing the Universe (very difficult for me, haha). I still believe energetically in surrendering when the struggle becomes too hard. It means really letting go. Deep breath, really releasing it all.

 

I firmly believe that a woman having an affair allows the man to stay in his marriage, she is meeting needs of his that are not being met within the marriage, could be sexual, emotional, fun times, or a combo of all that and other things. I REFUSED to go along any longer without him making a decision, and making some movement. Once I firmly grasped that concept, it was way easier to make my voice heard, loud and clear, and basically give him an ultimatum. People say ultimatums don't work, well, I didn't want to be an OW forever, so he either had to leave or I was out.

 

You have made the right choice, darling, for yourself. You are missing him - very natural. I relate to the soulmate/soul connection/twin soul stuff, my xMM and I had the whole 11 11 thing going on, scary but cool! Yes, you may have that deep soul connection and I understand what that's about. Sometimes our soulmates or twin souls come into our lives but it is only for a temporary time, not until the day we die. Sometimes they come in & out of our lives, different circumstances lead them to us and us to them. You can set your intention to the Universe, but you must let it go.

 

He may come back to you, he may not. But let's think about it - if he is so complacent, so lazy, so cowardly to stay in an unhappy place with a wife that he doesn't even want to travel with, that is lame. And sad. It exhibits either a laziness or cowardliness towards life. He's good with things being just ok. Not to be admired. He's one of those people that welcome others' happy energy into their lives, but at the end of the day, they don't want change, they just are sorta settled, ultimately too lazy or satisfied with the status quo. I don't like that characteristic in people, you know what I mean?

 

You, on the other hand, are funny, smart, and insightful. Your lovely energy needs not to be wasted. You have spunk, and at the end of the day, are really too involved in life & energetically positive that he may have brought you down. Do you want a guy that just sort of loafs along in life, doesn't have the get up & go attitude to take life by the horns and create a great new life? No, you don't!!!!! You want to acknowledge that it was great that you reconnected, he's still special to you, but he's a putz that wants to stay in his tiresome (no sex) marriage, where they don't even vacation together. Really? Let him have it. My motto: 'You want it, you got it".

 

With wonderful parents like yours where they vacation together into their 80's - that is the shining example for us all! Mostly for you! So, keep releasing your emotions, try to look at the stark facts about him, which we never do when we're in love. See him for who he is, if he wants to stay where he's at, well, later to him! He will either wake the hell up and make a move or he'll stay exactly where he is - in that place of quiet desperation. YOU do not have to sign up for that program. YOU have the opportunity to continue to have a great life, not one which is centered around another person that doesn't make you happy. See?

 

I am wishing you the best, it is so hard, especially when there are emtoions, questions, ... involved. But your inner Madea is there, bring her back out, surrender to the Universe, thank the Universe for your reconnection, but that was just a stop in the road for you, you gotta set your sights out there and keep going, girl!! XXOO

 

 

Twin souls, actually can never be together until they find inner peace with in themselves and love themselves.

 

Sounds like he needs to do that.

 

Great post SP!

[MissBee]

I remember thinking my ex and I were twin souls....wellllll.....let's just say I have a very different opinion now and think it's absurd. I was caught in my own drama with him and that crazy relationship....the connection was strong alright...strong and unhealthy....and I spent all my time looking for signs that we were meant to be and we would reunite and bought into the twin flame theory hook line and sinker. I believe he was a karmic soulmate who was there to help me learn and grow, as most relationships are but definitely we will never be together in a romantic way again and I absolutely wouldn't want that now.

[sad puppy]

Twin souls, actually can never be together until they find inner peace with in themselves and love themselves.

 

Sounds like he needs to do that.

 

Great post SP!

 

Thanks Wannabdone! And you are right! Twin souls cannot come together until they have both made peace with their own self. This true. They have to be free & clear (figuratively & literally) before the time is right for them to be together.

 

This is not uncommon, right person ~ wrong time.

 

I learned a lot once I went off to research all the very weird phenomena surrounding my connection. The 11 11 aspect was very present. The most recent time I committed to NC, and was struggling to move on, he started up with the emails and stuff again. I was ignoring and not acknowledging him until he sent me a copy of the facebook request to become friends, on, ... 11/11. The day our frienship began. God, I did then respond to him, that was UNREAL, as we had already been noticing all the 11 11 stuff around us.

 

I think the Universe is messin with me, I don't know why. He's an atheist and sees this stuff too.

 

One more thing - this might sound weird, but people say you can ask the Universe for a sign. I was so sad in feeling like our relationship was falling apart/ending. It had been 3 weeks since we had spoke & I was upset, just getting out of the tub, crying (I don't cry so often), but really a gut busting sobbing, laying on my floor, and I just said to myself/Universe, "if this is meant to be, I want a sign before I go to bed". I even acknowledged, in my heart, yeah, right, I'm going to be asleep in about 30 mins. Anyway, I was dozing off, and heard a little ping on my email, I checked it, and yep, an email from him after not speaking/emailing after 3 weeks. Super scary and weird and cool.

 

Anyway, I got fed up anyway and left after another 3 weeks or so, hahaha!!!

 

Bottom line, we can throw our intention out there, but we ultimately have to let go, as we all do, in the end anyway. XXOO

[sad puppy]

I remember thinking my ex and I were twin souls....wellllll.....let's just say I have a very different opinion now and think it's absurd. I was caught in my own drama with him and that crazy relationship....the connection was strong alright...strong and unhealthy....and I spent all my time looking for signs that we were meant to be and we would reunite and bought into the twin flame theory hook line and sinker. I believe he was a karmic soulmate who was there to help me learn and grow, as most relationships are but definitely we will never be together in a romantic way again and I absolutely wouldn't want that now.

 

Yes, a karmic soulmate may very well be my situation as it may be barrsitter's too. A near-miss of epic proprotions, lol!

 

I believe I was caught in drama and the push-pull affect but honest to God, the weird, and I mean strange coincidental stuff is hard to ignore.

 

One time we were to meet in a major city for a getaway. We had both been at meetings in a different STATE and he asked me to call him when I got out of my meeting as mine was later than his. We were both driving our own cars separately and had agreed to meet at the hotel in the city.

 

I called him, told him I was out and heading up to the city, we figured I was about 30 mins behind him. He told me where he was. So, I'm driving, and I see a sign and I'm thinking oh yeah, he's around here or was here or whatever so I call him and ask, "where are you, I'm on Hwy $$$". He says "so am I". "Really? Where are you?", I ask. He says "I'm right here on Hwy $$$", and lo and behold, out of tens of thousands of cars on this major interstate he is right smack dab next to me on the highway. One could plan to make that happen all day long and you would never, and I mean never, both simultaneously be exactly merging & connecting at the same place at the exact same moment. Crazy! Just meant to be! And the other weird thing is - we both got out of our meetings early, not even around the times we thought we'd be done. Strangeness. And coolness.

 

Now, don't get me started here girls! LOL!! Miss Bee may have it, though, karmic soulmates, people!

[Barrsitter]

SP...thank you for your response!!!! Nice to hear from you!!!! You have lifted my spirits with an insightful, thoughtful and loving response. I wish we could have dinner together - I bet we would be great friends. As for my xMM....well, he has an overdeveloped sense of obligation and feels guilty because, as he put it, he married his W b/c I was gone and he didn't have the courage to come and get me. He feels that since he made his bed, he has to lie in it. In my view, she has him by the cahoonas b/c when we were together, he was a force to be reckoned with - a real man: joyful, playful, decisive, masculine, manly etc.. But in his house and around his W, there is a muddy, thick, dark energy that emasculates him. A dear friend of mine who is clairvoyant said that they are really brother and sister, not lovers. He told me that they never fight. Well, that means there isn't much else going on because when there is a real spark between a man a woman, there will be disagreements. He wasn't like that with me in high school or now and I'm sorry to see him like that.

 

I recall that every time we were together during the A, whether walking in a forest or at a park or at the lake, magically it seemed, there was no one around. We always had the place to ourselves and time stood still. We would get lost in each other's eyes (something I never experienced before). Oh yes....we are soul mates. And this time the R was 1000x better than in high school, so no, it was not a re-enactment of the past.

 

It's hard to stop thinking about him so I appreciate having the opportunity to just say that here cause this isn't something you can talk to most people about. So SP....and all my other friends here....thank you for listening and encouraging.

[Barrsitter]

SP...love the highway story! That wasn't a coincidence. There are no coincidences, in my world.

 

I have a similar story. In 1991, I went with my xH to a concert in a big concert hall in a large city near where I live. City is about 4m in population. The concert hall had many, many sections. We sat down in our section. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my xMM (at that point I hadn't seen him since 1977) was sitting 5 rows ahead of us with his W. At intermission, xmM and his W walked up the aisle and he stopped and said hello. His W went to the bathroom. After we started our A in 2009, he told me that he and his W had never been to a concert at that hall and that they bought a ticket for something to do. Then, before the concert started he turned around and saw me and thought to himself "she looks so familiar". He told me that he knew it was me for sure when I held my program and he could see my hands. I have long fingers. He remembered me b/c of my hands. Then he couldn't stop staring at me. I didn't notice any of this b/c the lights were down. During the first half of the concert, he kept turning around to look at me, he told me. And there are other strange things that happened before we hooked up in 2009. So I totally believe in karma and fate and soul mates and twin souls.

[Barrsitter]

MissBee, I'm with you. If I ran into any old boyfriends, I would feel nothing at all. No nostalgia, no "what might have been" etc. So if I were to run into an old flame and DID feel something very strong, I would say it was a strong connection, period, not some psychological phenomenon.

 

I agree K. Nicely explained.

[Gentlegirl2]

Oh, sweetie, your story is my story.......only my high school thing was 44 years ago. The only thing you did better than I? I continue to be tormented by the ongoing relationship. Please tell me how you found the courage to end it?

 

 

Maybe something will come along and end it for your. Also it could just get tooo painful to live with.

 

Good Luck Bailey,

 

GG

[sad puppy]

SP...thank you for your response!!!! Nice to hear from you!!!! You have lifted my spirits with an insightful, thoughtful and loving response. I wish we could have dinner together - I bet we would be great friends. As for my xMM....well, he has an overdeveloped sense of obligation and feels guilty because, as he put it, he married his W b/c I was gone and he didn't have the courage to come and get me. He feels that since he made his bed, he has to lie in it. In my view, she has him by the cahoonas b/c when we were together, he was a force to be reckoned with - a real man: joyful, playful, decisive, masculine, manly etc.. But in his house and around his W, there is a muddy, thick, dark energy that emasculates him. A dear friend of mine who is clairvoyant said that they are really brother and sister, not lovers. He told me that they never fight. Well, that means there isn't much else going on because when there is a real spark between a man a woman, there will be disagreements. He wasn't like that with me in high school or now and I'm sorry to see him like that.

 

I recall that every time we were together during the A, whether walking in a forest or at a park or at the lake, magically it seemed, there was no one around. We always had the place to ourselves and time stood still. We would get lost in each other's eyes (something I never experienced before). Oh yes....we are soul mates. And this time the R was 1000x better than in high school, so no, it was not a re-enactment of the past.

 

It's hard to stop thinking about him so I appreciate having the opportunity to just say that here cause this isn't something you can talk to most people about. So SP....and all my other friends here....thank you for listening and encouraging.

 

The bolded is exactly the same situation for my xMM. He said the same thing, they never fight, just like roommates. He said there was never passion to begin with, and that "the sex was always awkward and they thought it would get better". UH, DUH! Supposedly, they both agreed that they never should've married in the first place. So, same deal. Frankly, that aspect has made me respect him LESS! Man up!

 

 

I know you are frustrated but his staying demonstrates his complacency and being led by guilt and obligation. Admirable to a degree, but in our short lives on this planet, really not the way to go. He will die with regrets. But you cannot, you must be strong, and acknowledge your connection, and keep striving, keep moving forward.

 

I've been having a few massages and facials, just to chill and feel pampered. I recommend that to everyone, either OW or BS. We need that!

 

Barr, I wish we could be real life friends too, and have dinner, and bitch about men, and drink martinis! Wannabdone would join us too! Maybe we should plan a LS reunion! Where we exorcise the MM, and begin a new chapter!!!

 

Just speaking with you all, and sharing, helps me feel stronger - thank you!! I'm a good one for wallowing but it is NOT helpful.

[Gentlegirl2]

I completely understand your sadness......before my EMR began a year and a half ago, my heart was at peace. I enjoyed my life, my friends, my house, etc.

Now everything feels like it is churning and I have no peace. I was never a lonely person......now I feel lonely all the time. It really does suck, huh?

 

 

I am at peace now. YOu might have read recently that I met xMM after 15 months NC.

 

It was just like meeting somebody I used to know.. forget the karmic connection, the passion etc. It was no longer there. I knew it wasn't but we had alwasy said we wanted to part on good terms , so we have.

 

It took a long time to get to that point and it's hard work. Well worth the effort though.

 

It sucks to tne MAX Bailey and I hope soon you will turn your back and walk away into your own future,

 

GG

[Barrsitter]

SP....yes...I believe he will die with regrets. And I am ok - I won't break down and contact him. I was just feeling a bit sad today. I will keep moving forward as that is all I can do. Plus, that's what Aunt Madea says....cry about it for awhile and then get on with your life. Two steps forward, one step back....

[sad puppy]

SP....yes...I believe he will die with regrets. And I am ok - I won't break down and contact him. I was just feeling a bit sad today. I will keep moving forward as that is all I can do. Plus, that's what Aunt Madea says....cry about it for awhile and then get on with your life. Two steps forward, one step back....

 

Yes, we have our sad days, those moments when we look back, I completely understand, I am glad you posted. We can be strong for each other when we need to.

 

On another thread, over in infidelity or separation, someone posted (to someone suffering):

 

"start swimming to the surface, see the light above, and swim for it".

 

I found that to be very poetic, when we are having our difficult times. Stay with those emotions, feel them, and then, ... start swimming to the light!

[Barrsitter]

Yes, we have our sad days, those moments when we look back, I completely understand, I am glad you posted. We can be strong for each other when we need to.

 

On another thread, over in infidelity or separation, someone posted (to someone suffering):

 

"start swimming to the surface, see the light above, and swim for it".

 

I found that to be very poetic, when we are having our difficult times. Stay with those emotions, feel them, and then, ... start swimming to the light!

 

SP...that is good. Swimming to the light. Very Good!!!

[MissBee]

Yes, a karmic soulmate may very well be my situation as it may be barrsitter's too. A near-miss of epic proprotions, lol!

 

I believe I was caught in drama and the push-pull affect but honest to God, the weird, and I mean strange coincidental stuff is hard to ignore.

 

One time we were to meet in a major city for a getaway. We had both been at meetings in a different STATE and he asked me to call him when I got out of my meeting as mine was later than his. We were both driving our own cars separately and had agreed to meet at the hotel in the city.

 

I called him, told him I was out and heading up to the city, we figured I was about 30 mins behind him. He told me where he was. So, I'm driving, and I see a sign and I'm thinking oh yeah, he's around here or was here or whatever so I call him and ask, "where are you, I'm on Hwy $$$". He says "so am I". "Really? Where are you?", I ask. He says "I'm right here on Hwy $$$", and lo and behold, out of tens of thousands of cars on this major interstate he is right smack dab next to me on the highway. One could plan to make that happen all day long and you would never, and I mean never, both simultaneously be exactly merging & connecting at the same place at the exact same moment. Crazy! Just meant to be! And the other weird thing is - we both got out of our meetings early, not even around the times we thought we'd be done. Strangeness. And coolness.

 

Now, don't get me started here girls! LOL!! Miss Bee may have it, though, karmic soulmates, people!

 

 

Yes most often karmic relationships involve a lot of crazy....the connections and coincidences don't negate the fact that it's karmic. You often have a familiarity with this person and things align but ultimately, the relationships is a teacher. All relationships are. However, with the karmic one, often it comes with large obstacles, like the person is married, for example. People get caught up in trying to have forever with this person though, but usually you end up going through the ringer in oder to grow.

 

Some definitions of karmic relationships are:

 

"Most love relationships occur between Karmic Soul Mates, people who have karmic ties, either positive or negative. In one way or another the partners have known each other before, probably many times before. Basically, they have "unfinished business." One or both owes a "karmic debt." Sexual attraction is one of the best ways to induce us to get involved in repayment of karmic debts. Sex is the lure, the bait, that induces us to feel and not to think. As a result, Karmic Soul Mates can have intense, but not always positive relationships. Usually, these relationships tend to be turbulent, even obsessive. We move through them, and sometimes we grow."

 

"Karmic Connections are souls that you have unfinished business with, and have also scheduled into your blue print, with hopes of coming full circle with your desired outcome of the intended learning experience. In other words they are characters in your play to allow you the opportunity to learn, grow and expand from. Because their original design is to stretch you….they are often the most troubling and struggle ridden relationships."

 

"Karmic Connections have a strong magnetism, usually in the beginning of the relationship. The strong pull is each souls “calling” (like a mating dance) to fulfill the agreements made in blue printing. It is like ringing a loud dinner bell, which has to be strong, or it would be easy for either party to just keep walking (which of course does happen some times as per free will)."

 

"Karmic Connections usually account for why some times one person feels much stronger about the other, and the feeling isn’t mutual. Usually the one with the stronger feelings is the one with the biggest learning lesson to gain. These souls may show up in our lives to play the roles of lovers, friends, bosses etc., but you know them by how strongly you felt about them."

[KeepMeInMind]

Yes, a karmic soulmate may very well be my situation as it may be barrsitter's too. A near-miss of epic proprotions, lol!

 

I believe I was caught in drama and the push-pull affect but honest to God, the weird, and I mean strange coincidental stuff is hard to ignore.

 

One time we were to meet in a major city for a getaway. We had both been at meetings in a different STATE and he asked me to call him when I got out of my meeting as mine was later than his. We were both driving our own cars separately and had agreed to meet at the hotel in the city.

 

I called him, told him I was out and heading up to the city, we figured I was about 30 mins behind him. He told me where he was. So, I'm driving, and I see a sign and I'm thinking oh yeah, he's around here or was here or whatever so I call him and ask, "where are you, I'm on Hwy $$$". He says "so am I". "Really? Where are you?", I ask. He says "I'm right here on Hwy $$$", and lo and behold, out of tens of thousands of cars on this major interstate he is right smack dab next to me on the highway. One could plan to make that happen all day long and you would never, and I mean never, both simultaneously be exactly merging & connecting at the same place at the exact same moment. Crazy! Just meant to be! And the other weird thing is - we both got out of our meetings early, not even around the times we thought we'd be done. Strangeness. And coolness.

 

Now, don't get me started here girls! LOL!! Miss Bee may have it, though, karmic soulmates, people!

 

 

Listen, I went through those crazy occurences EVERY SINGLE DAY for the last 4 months. Things that make you go, "Holy ****, did that just happen?? There is no way!" Once or twice, coincidence. Everyday, something altogether different.

 

It is VERY hard to ignore. Especially when you don't believe in fate, higher powers, etc.

[Fitz]

I want to smoke whatever everybody else seems to be smoking in this thread.

 

A lot of what you guys are calling cosmic alignment of stars, is nothing more than coincidence. That's why it catches your attention. Because its plain dumb coincidence! And its nothing more than that.

 

Sorry, but being in the same location as someone you know is not magical. Nor is it special, aside from seeing a friendly face.

 

These kind of things happen to everybody!

 

When you buy into all of this cosmic conclusions, you may be simply rationalizing (possibly unhealthy) relationships and/or behaviors.

 

If you believe that the moon and stars have validated your affair, then perhaps you just lack enough healthy/positive reasons of your own for having the affair in the first place.

 

And lastly, there is no such thing as a santa claus, a unicorn, or a soul mate. Oe are we a bunch 13 year old girls here?

 

The concept of a "soul mate" is an unhealthy trap. It fools you into thinking that your happiness depends on one person. And so you end up doing foolish things to hold onto that one person. So your maturity dwindles as your behavior becomes more desperate. And your personal growth stagnates.

Edited April 1, 2012 by Fitz

[sad puppy]

Actually, it isn't that much harder. The only thing harder with leaving a marriage versus just ending a relationship is the paperwork and division of property and child custody. Millions of people divorce - with kids. I did. My husband did. My brother did. My best friend did. Many of my co-workers did. It isn't that hard. Many MM will imply that it is "so hard" to do; but that is because they really aren't motivated or that unhappy to begin with. Even retired people divorce. Pensions and 401k's are split. Heck, it is earlier to divorce with GROWN children. There is no child support or custody to deal with.

 

I think it is much harder to divorce with young children, and my friends that divorced with young children would whole heartedly agree. I also would say it is much harder to support two households on one salary than one. Especially in a place with a pretty high cost of living. That is simple math, and there are financial consequences.

 

When a person divorces without the soft place to land (a/k/a an affair partner), it shows they weren't happy, weren't in love, weren't getting what they needed. When a person doesn't divorce when they have an affair partner to me means they are happy having the best of both worlds - stability with wife and family and sex with another person. Why would they leave the marriage? The OW rarely if ever takes a stand and says "if you love me, you will leave. I won't see you/sleep with you anymore until you prove to me, through your actions, that it is me you want a future with".

 

I did!

 

 

 

You will heal. You lived before he came into your life, you will live without him again. Hopefully, the pain and hurt has shown you that getting involved with a married man is not something you want to do in the future.

 

I don't think I have ever met a single person who went there whole live never loving someone. In my view, love changes over time. Who we were at 20 is not who we are, for the most part, in our 40's. We grow and change. Our needs and wants change.

 

I do not believe in 'soul mates' or 'deep soul connections'. I believe in love. I believe in working on my relationships, putting in the necessary communication, showing the person I am with how much they mean to me. When I love, I love with my whole heart. When I was younger, I loved my now-ex husband very much. We share children. But, over time, the marriage/relationship with him grew stagnant and the love faded. I made the decision that I could not spend my life, my future with him. I chose divorce. I could have done the cowardly act of getting a lover, but stayed true to myself and chose the honorable course of action.

 

 

 

I wholeheartedly agree jwl. OW/OM do enable the MM/MW to remain married. They allow themselves to be taken advantage of, used and not a priority. They allow it by not demanding more. But many don't want to 'rock the boat' with the affair partner. They won't give ultimateums.

 

I did! I completely rocked the boat! No doubt about it!

 

The part about never deliberately hurting them or causing them pain is spot on. Why do so many OW/OM not see this. If this person loved you like they claim, they would never want to hurt you or continue in another relationship ( - the marriage - ) because of the pain it causes. People in all relationships at times feel hurt by words or an action. Those things can't always be avoided - but the continuation of being an OW/OM is an avoidable hurt. If the married person loved and respected the OW/OM, they would not ask the affair partner to continue to be in an affair and quite honestly, never would have engaged in an affair to begin with, IMHO.

 

My xMM told me he didn't want to treat me like a second fiddle, he said it hurt him, we tried to stay away from each other, we only saw each other 20x in 20 months. I gave an ultimatum, he moved out, he went to IC, I walked away ~ whether for good or temporary, I do not know. But as of right now I am over him. Plus he needs time to figure out his life, himself.