lostitall Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 When I was a child I had a disease (Pituitary tumour) that affected my pituitary gland. This stopped the production of the hormones when I was an adolecent and caused an interruption of sperm production. My parents conceled my condition from me. I got married and shortly after, my mother died, and left me a letter with all this information. I consulted with doctors and especialists who told me that it would be imposible for me to ever have a child. I always looked for an oportunity to tell my wife, but was too embarrased... I didn't want her to leave me. Now she is pregnant and I'm thinking that perhaps it was a good idea not to ever tell her, clearly, she is lying to me too. I don't know who the father of this baby is. She may very well think that it is me. But it is not. Can I look away and build a family leaving things the way they are? Should I?
supermom Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Hell no! If you cannot have children and all the sudden your wife is pregnant? Where else did she get preg from? Aliens? You should have her read the letter. How else is she going to explain it? Does she act different? I think she will use you to take care of her child from an affair. Now, I know that sounds harsh but I HATE IT when women do this! Not fair to you
SoleMate Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Can I look away and build a family leaving things the way they are? Yes, it is certainly possible. Many men have, both knowingly and unknowingly. Some experts think that as many as 5% of children conceived by married women are not their husbands' children. This (apparently biassed) website claims 10 to 14%: http://www.mesacanada.com/patern01.htm To some men, biology is an essential component of fatherhood. Others may welcome a child to love regardless of who sired it. The child will perceive you as its father as long as that is the role you play. Making the choice to accept the child is not a weakness or a failure - in many ways, it could be seen as a triumph of love. However, I would not recommend this path unless you can make things right between you and your wife on the double. Should I? Your marriage seems scarred by deception and suspicion: you withheld knowledge of your infertility, and your wife has (possibly) cheated. I suggest that you try the approach of radical honesty with her, so you both can start (re)building a real relationship. Last point: Are you POSITIVE the child is not yours? It would not be the first time a supposedly infertile man had been surprised with the news that he is to be a father - legitimately. If you have not had a recent sperm count (as in last 3 months), I would not assume that the child is not yours. Only a DNA test can make things certain. If it is REALLY important to you, your wife may agree to undergo amniocentesis with the goal of collecting material for a DNA comparison. Or wait until after the birth. If you are considering repudiating the child if it is not biologically yours, then please consult an attorney as soon as possible. Delay in repudiation could damage your chances of success.
dyermaker Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 I think she will use you to take care of her child from an affair. Now, I know that sounds harsh but I HATE IT when women do this! Shame on anyone who thinks this way. Marital problems aside, this child deserves a father, and anything that has happened is not the child's fault.
ladyangel Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Shame on anyone who thinks this way. Marital problems aside, this child deserves a father, and anything that has happened is not the child's fault. Of course every child deserves a father. But if this guy isn't the father, then perhaps the REAL dad needs to step up to the bat, eh?
dyermaker Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by ladyangel Of course every child deserves a father. But if this guy isn't the father, then perhaps the REAL dad needs to step up to the bat, eh? Motherhood is a responsibility, but fatherhood is a choice. Being a REAL dad isn't about paternity tests, trust me. I think the punishment that would come from the "real" dad stepping up to bat would be severe for the child.
Shasta Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Yes, but then you have a whole family living under a lie. What would happen when the kid gets older and doesn't have any characteristic traits as his dad? Or is a different color than both of the "parents". There would be some serious questions there.
lydiamarie Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Last point: Are you POSITIVE the child is not yours? It would not be the first time a supposedly infertile man had been surprised with the news that he is to be a father - legitimately. If you have not had a recent sperm count (as in last 3 months), I would not assume that the child is not yours. Only a DNA test can make things certain. If it is REALLY important to you, your wife may agree to undergo amniocentesis with the goal of collecting material for a DNA comparison. Or wait until after the birth. i personally wouldn't go through the trouble of having an amniocentesis. they carry the risk of miscarriage. if the baby is yours, it could be your only chance to have a biological child and so why would you want to risk it? if she miscarried after the amnio, you would always wonder if that was what did it. and even if the baby isn't your child, it doesn't deserve to have its life treated any more casually. dyermaker is right, this baby needs a father regardless of your biological claim to it. if you love your wife and you want a child, then even if it isn't biologically yours, maybe it's a blessing.
dyermaker Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by Shasta Yes, but then you have a whole family living under a lie. What's the lie? A father is the male figure who takes care of you and your mother. What would happen when the kid gets older and doesn't have any characteristic traits as his dad? Or is a different color than both of the "parents". There would be some serious questions there. I didn't object to those questions being answered. I do, however, object to someone not taking care of a child because it's not biologically theirs. You have until the child is born to figure out if your marriage can work. Whether the child is yours makes NO difference. You're either man enough to be the kid's father, or you're not. The child doesn't deserve an "in-between" father.
CurlyIam Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 The child doesn't deserve an "in-between" father. I totally agree to that. But shouldn't the mother think of that before? Of course, she might have thought she was playing a safe game, as she was married, so it could have just as well be her husband's baby she thought she was carrying. What about the marriage? What about the trust? I mean fatherhood is just great, but a man is to have a great realtionship first in order to be able to give the baby a proper environment, a family. How can that be? How can you keep living with a woman who not only cheated on you but has the baby of another man? How do you stop yourself from rejecting them both? This isn't like they said: well, we can't have a baby, we'll have an artificial insemination, and I'll love you and the baby both, even though he's not my flesh and blood! I think... he can choose to be her baby's father, but... why? The only reason I see would be love, and she so definetely through that out the window...
dyermaker Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 The only point I was making was that the biological paternity of this child does not matter. If he wants to stay with his wife, he should raise the child as his own. If he can't get over (alleged) infidelity, he should leave his wife and not be a part of the child's life at all. That's what I was saying about an "in-between" father. The child's better off with no father at all.
Matilda Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Didn't you have treatment for your tumor? How did your parents conceal that from you? This is all so interesting. Did you have any other symptoms? I would encourage you to see a physician, and make sure, again, that you are infertile, before you accuse your wife. Unless there are other things going on that make you suspect that your wife is having an affair.
Author lostitall Posted June 15, 2004 Author Posted June 15, 2004 My parents only hide the fact that was infertile. I was 13yo when I had severe treatment and surgery. I clearly remember because I missed high school for a year, and then we moved to LA. I don't know why my mother (cancer victim herself) didn't have the courage to tell me the truth. My medical records resurfaced again at the department (LAPD) when I strated and after graduation, when I joined the force. The records however DO NOT state or describe my infertility. I have seen several doctors and they generally agree that certain cancers, particularly testicular cancer, impair sperm production, often severely. The major cancer treatments impair both egg and sperm cells. The closer radiation treatments are to reproductive organs, the higher the risk for infertility. The say that sometimes sperm production may eventually recover, usually after 5 years...but it's been almost 20. That's how I know that this baby is not mine. A co-worker, a cop with the Santa Monica Dep., nice jewish guy, really tall.. well, he joined the same gym as Monica (my wife)... I know they've been hanging out together, they prepared for the Marathon last year... I'm so embarrased to ask, either one of them... Anyway, thanks for every opinion.
lydiamarie Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 maybe i'm misreading, but so far it sounds like it's just theory that you're infertile. have you actually had your sperm count checked out?
HokeyReligions Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 All the opinions about fatherhood and responsibility aside; you suspect your wife of having an affair and you hid some very important information from her. Clearly there is something amiss in the marriage. Open up some honest, and possibly painful, lines of communication with your wife. If you can't do this, enlist the aid of a counselor. LAPD has and EAP program that will help you confidentially. You can approach your wife by saying that you see some problems developing in the marriage and you want to address them before the baby is born. If anything does leak out at the station about you seeing a counselor, you can pass it off as new-father nerves. With the guidance of your counselor you can then bring up your past medical condition and suspicions of her infidelity. Then begin making plans for your futures and for the baby. You might go through some emotional pain now, but it won't last forever and with the proper help you can all come out the other side as stronger, happier, healthier people.
zoomer Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 lydiamarie - I AGREE - "maybe i'm misreading, but so far it sounds like it's just theory that you're infertile. have you actually had your sperm count checked out?" I would strongly suggest you immediately be tested BEFORE you jump to conclusions and make assumptions on your wife. Give her that. Then you will really KNOW.
Debster Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 I don't think you have the facts, yet to be 100% positive. Get the test done and then you'll know.
wideawake Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by Debster I don't think you have the facts, yet to be 100% positive. Get the test done and then you'll know. Word. Get a sperm test done. I bet money you're shooting high caliber bullets these days. Your body can work miracles in 20 years.
zoomer Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 I have 16 yr olds and was told a few years after, I could never have any more children after I had some female surgery. WELL....16 years later.....I was Pregnant. I did not even have menstral cycles so thought I had cancer or something....nope, preg. SO...Miracles do happen and they are Gifts from GOD!
ilostitall Posted June 19, 2004 Posted June 19, 2004 Once again: seminal fluid was low in volume, extremely low count (>500xmml), poor motility and no percentage of normal forms... She now wants to turn my study room into a nursery. She wants me to paint the room light pastel green. she's got green eyes. She thinks the baby will be a boy with green eyes. i think i will die of grief.
Matilda Posted June 19, 2004 Posted June 19, 2004 Oh no, I am so sorry!! You have got to talk to her about this. I'm not sure the best way to do that, but it has to be done. At least now, you have the semen analysis results to back you up. Did you talk to the doctor? Is there any chance she could be pregnant because you had a fluke ejaculation that was fertile. (It only takes one good sperm.) I'm just saying that because if she insists that she hasn't cheated, it would be good to know if it is at all in the realm of possibility that you got her pregnant. But, whatever she does say, I think there is very good reason to think she might not be telling the truth. Please go to counseling, I hate for you two to go through such a tough time by yourselves.
Matilda Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 Lost, I was just wondering if you are still around, and how you are coping?
tiki Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Motherhood is a responsibility, but fatherhood is a choice. I disagree, motherhood *can* be a choice and fatherhood *can* be a responsibility. It's a two way street.
lnichols Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 First of all, I think you should be congratulated for not flying into a rage altogether. You sound like you are taking this relatively well, compared to most men I know. Do you love your wife? Are you willing to be a father to this baby if it in fact is not yours? Maybe you should tell your wife about your medical history and, in a non-accusing way, give her the chance to open up to you. After all, people do make mistakes, gigantic ones, and this may be the case. Go to the doctor and see if you have any sperm count. What are the odds? You both may have messed up here because you withheld information from her, and she may have not been faithful to you. Either way, you both owe it to this unborn child to try to figure things out and do what is right, both to yourselves and your marriage, and to this child. There may be other medical issues if the baby has a different father. I feel for you, dude. You and your wife have a long road ahead. Remember the baby, though. None of this is that child's fault. I hope everything turns out well.
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