am I being to hard on him?

[kimberlefowler]

I found out a month ago about the affair and agreed to stay when H said he would go to a MC. We have gone a few times but H thinks the books wont help, even tho he has said he would read them, he never does untill I start in about how he needs to keep his word and that it is important to ME that we do what is asked of us from the MC.

I feel like he is the one who made the mistake and he should be doing whatever it takes to make us work. He says he has changed and that he sees how much I mean to him now and doesnt understand why we cant just move on. Should I just let him keep doing what he is doing and just try to move on like he says or should I stick to my guns and tell him either read the book and do what is asked of us or get out?

I just dont know what to do. I know a book will not change everything in our lifes but if he would just open up and try some of these things I know it would help, plus he needs to stick to his words or am I being to hard on him??

[sportsloving]

I agree that he should be willing to do whatever it takes to work things out with you, but I don't know if I would push the books too hard. It just seems to me that he would get more from the reading if he was really into reading them ... if he is reading them only to keep the peace between you, it probably won't do him a lot of good.

 

If the only thing he isn't sticking to is reading, perhaps you could count his other activities or agreements as more than the books? Is he really trying to work things out? Is he openly talking with the couselor? Is he willing to talk about the affair and work through it?

 

I do wish you luck and hope things work out for you both

[reasontosigh]

Is the book in question available as an audiobook, on tape or CD?

 

Some people truly have a hard time sitting down to read, but can absorb the information better when they are listening to recorded material. Plus there are more opportunities for listening to a recording, such as driving to and from work, and so on.

 

Just an idea here......

[kimberlefowler]

he seems to really be trying. he is talking to the MC , the only thing he wont talk about is why it happened. he says he just doesnt know . that it could be 100 different things. I told him in order for us to be able to work on the marrige I need to know why he did it so we can work on that, but he keeps saying he doesnt know why.

He is being very loving toward me and everything, I just dont know if I am so hurt over the affair or if I have just lost the love for him, or maybe I am scared to let myself be loved again so I wont get hurt, but I just dont feel "right" its hard to explain.

Thanks for your insight, you might be right if the only thing is just a book. I just dont know, i guess only time will tell.

[Moose]

Even though it was his fault and he got involved with another woman, I wouldn't pressure him into doing anything. I think it was very, very wrong what he did and I commend you for staying with him. But if you want to sincerely keep him, don't push him too hard into something he's not willing to do. Go slowly and work into it, not dive right in, you'll scare him off. Just my thoughts.

 

Good Luck,

 

Moose

[supermom]

I can say that I do understand

 

He is being very loving toward me and everything, I just dont know if I am so hurt over the affair or if I have just lost the love for him, or maybe I am scared to let myself be loved again so I wont get hurt, but I just dont feel "right" its hard to explain.

Thanks for your insight, you might be right if the only thing is just a book. I just dont know, i guess only time will tell.

 

My H cheated on me when I was preg w/ our daughter and it was with my sister's friend (she was 16 - he was 28) Sick huh? Well yes, we are still together, I found out in Feb of this year, but it happened in 2002. I have had a hard time wanting to hang out w/ him (we were really close like buddies) and I feel this annoyance when I'm around him. It's getting alot better, because time is going on.

 

I explained to him that he and the OW (or I should say OG - other girl) have stolen something from me that I will never get back. I had my H on too high of a pedistal, and now that pedistal is way out of my reach. I really adored my H, I still love him and all but the respect is not the same.

 

Time will tell. You H does need to accept total responsiblilty and think about why he did do that. Do you think he'd do it again? Saying "I don't know" would alarm me more than "well you're a nag!". At least have a reason!

 

I hope this helps. There is hope, but whatever happens will. Everything happens for a reason!

 

Good luck to you

[Mr Spock]

Sorry, but "don't know" is a total line-it's BS. I'm sure he has several very good ideas of why he cheated he just wants to forget about it and move on. He's safe now that you've accepted him back and he doesn't want to screw it up now by telling the truth (he was bored, unhappy, etc etc)

 

He's not being honest. You should bring it up in front of the MC.

 

"I don't know" means "I don't want to tell you". Trust me.

[kimberlefowler]

I agree 100% with you on the "i dont know reason" is his way of not wanting to deal with it or siring up sh*t again. It is so much easier to act blind and move on. but I feel if he does this and I let him we are just setting our self up for this to happen again.

I wont push him any more about the book, and just try to work on us and why this happened without comming across as a nag. I have a right to know why and he needs to deal with it even if he doesnt like to. I have told him he is safe here even if he tells me things I dont want to hear, I want him tell me the 100% turth so we can move on. thanks everyone for all your thoughts, I thank you for being open about this.