He dumped me, I went NC and now he's stalking me

[chyna]

Hi all, this is my 1st time posting....

 

 

 

 

 

Was "strictly" friends with my ex for 8 yrs. We dated off and on from fall 2010 until this Jan. He told me he didn't wanna be in a relationship with me. How it was "easier to be with other women and they have no standards". We talked some more, I thanked him for his honesty and left peacefully. I sent him a nice good bye email wishing him well when I got home. I never stated I was going NC. The next morning he started calling and texting me like crazy on my cell & job. I finally took his call at work that morning. He told me "I'm so sorry, please forgive me, those women meant nothing to me, I can fix this", and so on. I told him eveything was okay, I accept his apology and I forgave him. We talked a lil more and I got off the phone peacefully.

 

 

 

 

 

Since Jan. 23rd, he has called me almost EVERYDAY from his cell, house, job, unknown #s and private leaving vmails saying forgive him, he so sorry blah blah blah. He calls my unit 5-6 times a shift. Sends text and fb msgs (were never friends on fb), emails from diff accts. Sunday he showed up at my house, took pics, emailed and text them to me to say "he's trying". Then calls my job to find me because my car wasn't there. Now he's leaving index cards on my car time and dated at 3:30am (he stays 45 mins away) begging me to call.

 

 

 

 

 

I HAVE NOT RESPONDED TO ANY OF HIS ATTEMPTS to reach me. I feel horrible ignoring him. I do miss him. However, he made his decision as to who and what was important to him. He needs to live with the outcome of it. Soooooo my question: What should I do?

[gotye]

you need a restraining order tbh, this is too much stalking for it to be even remotely of someone sane

[sweetheart5381]

Hi all, this is my 1st time posting....

 

 

 

 

 

Was "strictly" friends with my ex for 8 yrs. We dated off and on from fall 2010 until this Jan. He told me he didn't wanna be in a relationship with me. How it was "easier to be with other women and they have no standards". We talked some more, I thanked him for his honesty and left peacefully. I sent him a nice good bye email wishing him well when I got home. I never stated I was going NC. The next morning he started calling and texting me like crazy on my cell & job. I finally took his call at work that morning. He told me "I'm so sorry, please forgive me, those women meant nothing to me, I can fix this", and so on. I told him eveything was okay, I accept his apology and I forgave him. We talked a lil more and I got off the phone peacefully.

 

 

 

 

 

Since Jan. 23rd, he has called me almost EVERYDAY from his cell, house, job, unknown #s and private leaving vmails saying forgive him, he so sorry blah blah blah. He calls my unit 5-6 times a shift. Sends text and fb msgs (were never friends on fb), emails from diff accts. Sunday he showed up at my house, took pics, emailed and text them to me to say "he's trying". Then calls my job to find me because my car wasn't there. Now he's leaving index cards on my car time and dated at 3:30am (he stays 45 mins away) begging me to call.

 

 

 

 

 

I HAVE NOT RESPONDED TO ANY OF HIS ATTEMPTS to reach me. I feel horrible ignoring him. I do miss him. However, he made his decision as to who and what was important to him. He needs to live with the outcome of it. Soooooo my question: What should I do?

 

Ya, this is some seriously scary **** and dont take it lightly. This is not love, this is stalking and a very dangerous precursor to assault.

 

Block him, defriend him, dont respond to him and if he causes ANY further grief call the police.

 

He is violating your personal freedoms as an individual - that is not love or caring.

 

Don't feel bad for ignoring him, he is seriously breaching your right and obligation to be an individual. He is paying you no respect at all. Don't feel bad at all.

[sweetheart5381]

Sorry, I have to add that he is playing a head game with you, that's what they do... it's a game for them and they don't ever stop unless you put an end to it yourself.

 

They control, they blame, they hurt, say they are sorry, will never do it again... Rinse and repeat. You feel guilty and sad cuz he made you feel that way. It will continue til you are a shell of a person and can either no longer protect yourself OR take control of the situation and remove him from your life.

[chyna]

Sorry, I have to add that he is playing a head game with you, that's what they do... it's a game for them and they don't ever stop unless you put an end to it yourself.

 

They control, they blame, they hurt, say they are sorry, will never do it again... Rinse and repeat. You feel guilty and sad cuz he made you feel that way. It will continue til you are a shell of a person and can either no longer protect yourself OR take control of the situation and remove him from your life.

 

 

I'm so hurt that he could do this to me. What I dont understand is, when we were friends, I don't recall him acting this way with his exs. I'm now starting to think maybe he was hiding this side of him. I'm 29 and he is 32. He really is an amazing guy and sweetheart. I know that sounds crazy to say when all this crap is going on.

 

I feel like he should be happy with those "women", he left me for. I have been silent for 9 weeks now and he won't go away. How can he play this game with me when we were friends to begin with. Why hurt me?

[BewitchedandBothered]

I'm so hurt that he could do this to me. What I dont understand is, when we were friends, I don't recall him acting this way with his exs. I'm now starting to think maybe he was hiding this side of him. I'm 29 and he is 32. He really is an amazing guy and sweetheart. I know that sounds crazy to say when all this crap is going on.

 

I feel like he should be happy with those "women", he left me for. I have been silent for 9 weeks now and he won't go away. How can he play this game with me when we were friends to begin with. Why hurt me?

Though you've been friends were 8 years, you said you dated on and off; doesn't sound very serious; sounds very casual. His lettingyou go==you seemed okay about it.

 

He sounds creepy. The first time me and my ex split he called me half an hour later saying "I'm hurting:( can we please meet for dinner?" and blew up my phone with texts and voice mail. Then came the emails and facebook inbox. He can dish it out but can't take it back. Lose this guy.Sounds really stalkerish.

Edited April 1, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered

[RobotNano]

Yeah, he made the decision to leave, and now this stress. He is messed up, and messing himself and yourself up even more. He was trying to get you jealous, or say..no no ...lets not break up...stuff like that. He is really playing with your emotions.

[chyna]

Though you've been friends were 8 years, you said you dated on and off; doesn't sound very serious; sounds very casual. His lettingyou go==you seemed okay about it.

 

He sounds creepy. The first time me and my ex split he called me half an hour later saying "I'm hurting:( can we please meet for dinner?" and blew up my phone with texts and voice mail. Then came the emails and facebook inbox. He can dish it out but can't take it back. Lose this guy.Sounds really stalkerish.

 

 

As far as the nature/seriousness of our relationship, I had keys to his house. I would stay over 3 wks at a time going back/forth to work, and go home to my own place for a wk and the cycle repeated itself. I had keys because we worked different shifts and he felt it would allow us to spend more time together. Financially he was a good provider, attentive to my needs and a total sweetheart. I trusted him with my heart thinking, he wouldn’t do me wrong because we had been “friends” for so long. When his friend who was kicked out of his 2nd wife’s house moved in, that’s when things started to change. I wasn’t as comfortable being there alone with another man in the house. Also, one of his exs slept with his best friend yrs ago and carried on a 2 yr relationship. I remembered how that hurted him and I decided to not stay over as much. I live alone, so he would spend nights at my house as well.

 

I broke up with him april 2011. We still saw each other. He asked to give the relationship another try and made it official again in July. Then Labor Day we got into a heated argument and mutually broke it off. We went 3 wks NC and Oct he started begging me back. Nov. I go back and all is well. Dec same crap again. His friend is still there. However, I went to dayshift in Oct, so my schedule wasn’t the problem. It was him not giving a 100% like he promised about spending more time with me. Might I add we hadn’t been intimate since Aug (because of me). So Jan. I went to his house to have the “where are things going talk” and that’s when he told me about the other women and what he had been doing.

 

Back Info: We started dating Oct 2010. That Dec he made it official. He initiated us house hunting, we had the “engagement ring” talk. He was speaking of an engagement within the next year and how he was ready to settle down. Fast forward: I was done expressing my feelings and thoughts to him. I felt it was useless. I damn sure wasn’t gonna beg him back lol, because I wasn’t the problem. It was him. Technically, we were not together when he was with these women. HOWEVER, he led me to believe during this time we were in the same place emotionally, how we had a future together how he did a year earlier. I'm devastated

[BewitchedandBothered]

As far as the nature/seriousness of our relationship, I had keys to his house. I would stay over 3 wks at a time going back/forth to work, and go home to my own place for a wk and the cycle repeated itself. I had keys because we worked different shifts and he felt it would allow us to spend more time together. Financially he was a good provider, attentive to my needs and a total sweetheart. I trusted him with my heart thinking, he wouldn’t do me wrong because we had been “friends” for so long. When his friend who was kicked out of his 2nd wife’s house moved in, that’s when things started to change. I wasn’t as comfortable being there alone with another man in the house. Also, one of his exs slept with his best friend yrs ago and carried on a 2 yr relationship. I remembered how that hurted him and I decided to not stay over as much. I live alone, so he would spend nights at my house as well.

 

I broke up with him april 2011. We still saw each other. He asked to give the relationship another try and made it official again in July. Then Labor Day we got into a heated argument and mutually broke it off. We went 3 wks NC and Oct he started begging me back. Nov. I go back and all is well. Dec same crap again. His friend is still there. However, I went to dayshift in Oct, so my schedule wasn’t the problem. It was him not giving a 100% like he promised about spending more time with me. Might I add we hadn’t been intimate since Aug (because of me). So Jan. I went to his house to have the “where are things going talk” and that’s when he told me about the other women and what he had been doing.

 

Back Info: We started dating Oct 2010. That Dec he made it official. He initiated us house hunting, we had the “engagement ring” talk. He was speaking of an engagement within the next year and how he was ready to settle down. Fast forward: I was done expressing my feelings and thoughts to him. I felt it was useless. I damn sure wasn’t gonna beg him back lol, because I wasn’t the problem. It was him. Technically, we were not together when he was with these women. HOWEVER, he led me to believe during this time we were in the same place emotionally, how we had a future together how he did a year earlier. I'm devastated

You are devastated, but you are EMPOWERED:) You were strong to state your feelings and cut this thing off on your terms. I don't think he would change if you gave him a chance--you have known him all these years and he went all wiggy on you. Sounds like he is playing too many emotional games with you and you don't need that. Again, kudos to you for being strong.

[RobotNano]

Sounds like he has a problem holding a relationship. Always breaking it off, then begging you back. This behavour is very unhealthy, for himself and you. Once a habit, always a habit.

[wilsonx]

Nah, Its GIGS, he's trying to find himself and he's lost.

 

More information is posted in the GIGS thread in my signature

[Frank13]

We talked some more, I thanked him for his honesty and left peacefully. I sent him a nice good bye email wishing him well when I got home. I never stated I was going NC. The next morning he started calling and texting me like crazy on my cell & job. I finally took his call at work that morning. He told me "I'm so sorry, please forgive me, those women meant nothing to me, I can fix this", and so on. I told him eveything was okay, I accept his apology and I forgave him. We talked a lil more and I got off the phone peacefully.

 

What am I missing here? He said he can fix it, you forgave him, and told him everything was okay.

 

To mean that sounds like you got back together. Apparently you didn't want to get back together but you didn't tell us that. You just said he kept calling and texting you.

 

So did you get back together with him or not?

[Sugarkane]

I'd tell him tough luck. He can't dump you for easy women and still expect you to be his best friend. This guy sounds like a jerk.

[Sugarkane]

Don't be his emotional tampon.

[shayla]

What am I missing here? He said he can fix it, you forgave him, and told him everything was okay.

 

To mean that sounds like you got back together. Apparently you didn't want to get back together but you didn't tell us that. You just said he kept calling and texting you.

 

So did you get back together with him or not?

 

 

I could be wrong, but to me it seemed like she was put on the spot, calling her at work, and told him what he wanted to hear to get him off the phone and stop the constant calls.

[chyna]

What am I missing here? He said he can fix it, you forgave him, and told him everything was okay.

 

To mean that sounds like you got back together. Apparently you didn't want to get back together but you didn't tell us that. You just said he kept calling and texting you.

 

So did you get back together with him or not?

 

This was the email I sent him that night after I got home. The next morning thats when the calls started:

 

In the end, you said you did not want to be in a relationship. You only wanted to party and have a friendship. My friendship of 9 years and me wanting to have fun with you was not enough for you.

I wanted us to love eachother like we had never loved nobody else...... I guess its finally time to acknowledge to you and myself that our futures will take different paths.

I never thought I would have to say goodbye to you. Tonight, you made it clear that you did not see a future with me. It's now time for me to seek my own future.

Wishing you the best....

 

I felt I made myself clear to him. My question is, do I throw away our friendship of many years? Do I finally take one of his calls and tell him we can meet for lunch/dinner and talk to see what he's so "desperate about to talk with me" like he has been saying? I would hate to lose our friendship, but I dont want him thinking I answered to get back with him.

[wilsonx]

What do you want?

[CopingGal]

Listen, you can see someone off and on for years and not really know them...I speak from experience. His true colors are showing. First, just talk to the police. You probably shouldn't give his name yet if you are afraid to. Just take the first step and talk to the police and get some advice, then make the decision as to whether or not you want to report him. This is very serious. If the police call him, he might get even crazier. Talk to a domestic violence counselor. Call a domestic counselor hotline and find the best way to proceed with their help. Do it right because this man is sick.

 

My signature "give time, time" does not refer to a situation like this. You have to act fast. Makes some calls and get info.

[chyna]

What do you want?

 

I want him to be the guy he was. The couple we were. To do the things he said he wanted to do. I really thought he was the one. He is still calling me and I feel bad to ignore him. Idk what to do.

 

I read your G.I.G.S. I don't remember or recall anything stated for a person that's in their early 30's. Would you think his behavior falls into this category or he just doesn't care?

[wilsonx]

its not age specific.

 

He will return to that guy you once knew but that takes time, usually a lot of time.

 

Do the best thing for you in the long term. If you want to be his friend then do it, I'd suggest giving him space and letting him burn out on his own.

 

When you're ready, NIC is a viable alternative to NC (not initiate contact).

[chyna]

Listen, you can see someone off and on for years and not really know them...I speak from experience. His true colors are showing. First, just talk to the police. You probably shouldn't give his name yet if you are afraid to. Just take the first step and talk to the police and get some advice, then make the decision as to whether or not you want to report him. This is very serious. If the police call him, he might get even crazier. Talk to a domestic violence counselor. Call a domestic counselor hotline and find the best way to proceed with their help. Do it right because this man is sick.

 

My signature "give time, time" does not refer to a situation like this. You have to act fast. Makes some calls and get info.

 

I finally talked to a police officer. I was told that "I never told him not to call me anymore", wow. I told her he left me. She was in disbelief. She did tell me to send a nice text & tell him to no longer contact me. Now I was the one in disbelief. Hasn't my silence said enough? I think you are right. This is who he is. Day 70 =10 wks & I don't feel any better....

[CopingGal]

I understand what the police is saying, even though I expected more. Okay, so here's what you do. You need to tell him to leave you alone. If you do it in a text, make sure you keep a copy of that text to prove that you asked him to leave you alone. Then if he still bothers you, let the police know. I think you should get some support from the domestic violence hotline. This policewoman does not sound too empathetic.

[chyna]

its not age specific.

 

He will return to that guy you once knew but that takes time, usually a lot of time.

 

Do the best thing for you in the long term. If you want to be his friend then do it, I'd suggest giving him space and letting him burn out on his own.

 

When you're ready, NIC is a viable alternative to NC (not initiate contact).

 

I don't understand. Are you saying to let him burn out with the contacting me or burn out with the other women?

[chyna]

I understand what the police is saying, even though I expected more. Okay, so here's what you do. You need to tell him to leave you alone. If you do it in a text, make sure you keep a copy of that text to prove that you asked him to leave you alone. Then if he still bothers you, let the police know. I think you should get some support from the domestic violence hotline. This policewoman does not sound too empathetic.

 

That's how I felt too. I kinda thought she felt since it wasn't violent that I should keep ignoring him until he does something serious. He can always say he never got the text. Hopefully he will go away peacefully.