Is my ex on the rebound?

[Confusedguy1988]

I apologize for the length of this.

 

Ok so I'm a 23 year old gay male who recently broke up with his boyfriend 3 months ago to the day. We dated for 2 years and the first year and a half was amazing. We had been living together for a year and began fighting a lot about things mostly about stupid little things it got really bad and we both ended up doing things that were borderline cheating. I felt really guilty and so I decided to break up with him because the fighting was becoming unbearable. I was going to move back in with my parents but he begged me not to move out. I immediately felt like the breakup was a mistake and he began looking to date other people the next day. He went on a couple dates and i was so devestated. About two weeks later he broke down and said that he missed me and wanted me back. We got back together for about two weeks. It was a very awkward two weeks and finally he said that he wanted to be with me but just couldn't trust me yet. We ended things. I sort of started talking to someone and I really liked him. We secretly started seeing each other but it wasn't an exclusive thing although I really liked him and thought it was going to form into a relationship. I was also hooking up on and off with my ex at that same time. A friend of my ex set him up with a friend of hers from her school and they began texting each other. We stopped hooking up however i kept sleeping in his bed even though i had my own. We got into an argument about the kid he was talking to and he told me that he didn't see it working out because my ex is moving back in with his parents and him and this new guy are gonna be an hour and a half apart. They've been talking for about a month now and they've hung out twice and they are currently hanging out now. I haven't hooked up with my ex in a while and i ended things with my rebound. He told me yesterday that they're dating and that he really likes this kid and that it isn't a rebound. Over the past couple weeks hes done little things that makes me feel like he still has feelings for me. Accidentally saying i love you referring to his dads house as my home, trying to cuddle, giving me a spare key to his new car etc. It has become less so over the past week however I feel like this is because hes in the "honeymoon" phase of the rebound. I acted in a similar way when i started seeing my rebound. What do you think?

[darkmoon]

he sounds confused how he mixes up stuff he says is a sign of that, sorry i can't help more

[Confusedguy1988]

No even that small reply was good. I feel like i was in a similar situation. I however chose to handle it differently. When i was with my rebound my ex thought we were just friends (he did suspect at first and was extremely jealous about it and admitted it) but over time we all became friends and my rebound would only show affection for each other in private. One minor detail i left out is that his "new guy" has similar features to me. We don't really look alike but we both have darker features, facial hair, same height. I'm wondering if maybe this new guy kind of reminds him of me so he feels comforted by him?

[darkmoon]

"comforted by him" it's possible that is the case, yes but i think there is something amiss if it's Saturday night and you're young (am old enough to remember David Bowie coming out) and on this site worrying

 

to me either you keep in contact with this guy and over time resolve your differences or move on - both actions preferably - you could then keep a foot in each camp (no pun intended) and go out - and forget this not-so-good chapter and you might well meet a new guy anyway, which often brings exes back

[Confusedguy1988]

completely agree with you there. And I actually am going out in a little while haha. At the beginning i had begged him to get back together and he just told me no that that he was just moving on. He broke down though because he just hated being broken up. I have had so many people tell us that one of us or both of us should have just moved out when we broke up because living together is going to cause us to see each other every day making it hard to move on. As I said I truly felt like I as moving on when I started seeing my rebound. It was nice to have feelings for someone else however after we had been seeing each other for a while it just wasn't the same as dating my ex and i began to miss him.

[darkmoon]

i hate to say (if you're still here) but if anyone is too drama-prone (his rebound?) the situation won't settle, but ffs go out and buy a stranger a drink

[Confusedguy1988]

what do you mean the situation won't settle? like their relationship won't last?

[Confusedguy1988]

also I don't think that his rebound is drama prone. From what my ex has told me hes really sweet and he really enjoys spending time with him. I felt the same way about my rebound too. I just feel like you really can't start dating again until you have spent some time apart. I literally sleep in the same room as my exboyfriend. We were sleeping in the same bed until about 2 weeks ago and now we sleep in the same room in separate beds.

[darkmoon]

i'm still friends with a load of gays locally, some get a bit carried away and dramatic - just meant talk with the boyf calm for best outcome in case things get heated dramas jus happen with anyone

 

the rebound must just go i think he will cuz he's young and so will have other options come along..i know i seem cynical and disingenious but alls fair in love and war

Edited April 1, 2012 by darkmoon

[Confusedguy1988]

his rebound is a bit younger. I'm 23 my ex is 22 and his new guy is 20 years old.

[darkmoon]

20, well, i'm more sure than before that he'll see someone else who'll give him a come-on, i still think that there's other options out there for you to enjoy and i think as long as you can get the boyf jealous how he was before, then you have him more keen

 

i had trouble being cool when planning my own manouvers but more and more i have mastered patience and tact (aka manipulation) and all that and keeping my cards close to my chest as i go

 

nobody of 20 doesn't get offers - he'll mess up

 

hope you don't wallow when things could change for the better

Edited April 1, 2012 by darkmoon

[Confusedguy1988]

eh. i don't know if i want to try to make him jealous. I'm worried that its gonna push him away further. A couple minor details i forgot to mention. My ex still calls me sometimes when hes bored like on his way home from work or sometimes on his way to the gym when he goes late at night and just wants to talk. Also today i went to the gym and there was this spanish guy who my ex thought was into me because he gave me a "thumbs up" when we were working out. Today this same guy was there and i noticed that he was just being nice and sort of thumbs upped many people as he walked by them as he got there. I texted my ex about it and he was like he clearly wants you. and then he txt me again and was like imagine if he is gay and hes really nice? Hes really hot, don't tell me you wouldn't date him. I responded hes too pretty for me. and then hes like you're so critical lol. I don't know if this was him feeling me out as to if i'm preparing to date other people or that he really is moving on and thinks i should too even though he clearly isn't over me. (i overthink everything and i'm crazy)

[darkmoon]

what then is your intuition telling you?

 

not intuitive here myself but you and the boyf are friends which is where you must be whatever else happens, but then Spanish ppl are warm and goodlooking with a gay scene that has legal f*ck-rooms in the back of the gay bars are Pride has a big carnival/drag thing - very free - i lived there

 

i don't know the ppl involved in all this like you do, but you know the saying "be careful what you wish for, cuz you'll get it"

 

to be real logical about love is hard to impossible mind you

Edited April 1, 2012 by darkmoon

[Confusedguy1988]

I don't really know if its really my intuition but I really don't think hes completely over me. I don't think hes trying to make me jealous with this new guy. I think he honestly thinks that hes getting over me because of the new boy. Thats how rebounds work though. As i've stated in previous posts when i first started hanging out with my rebound I felt like i was totally getting over my ex and we txted all the time (my ex would get jealous) and we hung out a lot. The fact that my ex wants to remain close friends with me to me tells me that he doesn't want to lose me because he still does have feelings for me. We hang out a lot. Again as many if not everyone has told me a couple that has broken up will never completely get over each other until there has been a period of zero contact which me and my ex havent even had close to that. We see each other almost every single day and hang out a lot. Hes actually made a rule where he doesn't want me walking around in my boxers because he still finds me attractive. The other day I was shirtless and he asked me to put a shirt on because he was "intimidated" by my body.

[darkmoon]

you didn't tell me all that!

 

more and more i see an attachment with the boyf and you, but "intimidating" means muscular and strong? scary? or has this word got connotations that only you both know about? was he flirty or telling you off?

[Confusedguy1988]

i've been working out a lot since we broke up. I don't wanna sound super cocky but I'm in much better shape than when we broke up. I think he was basically telling me that me having my shirt off upset him because he was probably getting turned on by it.

[darkmoon]

good

 

to me i see there has been a just a break/gap in things now and because nobody anywhere gets trained in how to articulate matters of the heart, he's probably feeling a bit like you are wondering what to do and say and all that, but he is confused-ish so let things ride

 

what made you two split? and what made you two become a couple?

[Confusedguy1988]

so we met online and we talked for a couple weeks and finally met and instantly fell for each other dated for 2 years. At the end of our relationship we were fighting a lot mostly about roommate~esque things such as cleaning and chores and such. We also both borderline cheated. he tells me that hes over it and that his new guy isn't a rebound. You can't live with your ex and still have feelings for them. I tried that and two months later i felt worse than ever and missed my ex. I just hope the same thing happens to him. Everyone i know tells me hes just rebounding. He clearly likes this guy but only because its new and it keeps him distracted.

[darkmoon]

well, then listen to them your friends all know everybody properly which i don't but am going to bed now it's three in the morning UK time

 

if you want to write back please send me a private message so that i don't miss your post

 

anyway, like i said "be careful of what you wish for because you'll get it"

[loversreunited]

Hey,

 

I can totally understand what you are going through. I was also in a gay relationship for 2 years and my ex left me last June and is currently with someone else. They started seeing eachother about a month and a half after we broke up. My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest when I found out but there is nothing you can do about it. My ex is very young, he's 21, I'm 26. I have a feeling he got GIGS and went after the spark of a new relationship, we had a stable, committed relationship, no cheating, trust issues etc. We just lost the spark and things became a bit routine, but nothing than a little more effort couldnt of fixed that. We both loved eachother very much however I think he is confused, and is also not mature enough to handle a proper adult relationship. He just wants to have fun and date around, see the world etc. He mentioned to a few common friends who also mentioned to me that he stated that we may get back together in the future. So to me that is a clear sign of GIGS. I will keep you guys updated if he ever does come back around. BTW stay away from Facebook, its the devil after a breakup to see the ex and their new boyfriend together. Keep you head up and keep living your life. They may or may not come back around, but you will survive and grow stronger from this. I have and we've been apart for 9 months so far. Best of luck to you

[Confusedguy1988]

Did you live with your ex? And was it an on and off thing before they started dating someone else? I dunno I've just had so many people telling me it still seems like he has feelings for me. Hes still kind of flirty sometimes

[loversreunited]

Hey,

 

I didn't officially live with my ex however we did spend alot of time together and were almost practically living together as he is still in University and I use to sleep over with him often. So we did alot of things like a real adult couple would do such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping etc. As for the on and off thing, we did have a huge fight about 6 months prior to us breaking up and that was a mini breakup but we fixed the issues and continued. We were fine until he dropped the bomb on me 6 months later. I'm sure they do have feelings for us, my ex refused to see me because he stated if he does, he's scared that he'll jump back into the relationship with me. We havent had any type of contact for 4 months now. If your ex is still flirty then that is a for sure sign he does still have feelings. They don't just go away after you breakup. They linger around for a long time. Especially if its your first boyfriend. I believe you never really get over your first true love and those feelings will always be there.

Edited April 1, 2012 by loversreunited

[Confusedguy1988]

Its kind of funny you say that. We also had sort of a mini breakup about 6 months before we actually ended things. It last like a week and we decided that the breakup was a mistake. We got back together and things did get better for a while but then other things caused stress. I moved out after our first breakup and got my own place. Tension got higher when we got into a few arguments about me moving back in with him. There were also a couple drunken mistakes that caused more tension. On thanksgiving eve we went out to a bar with some friends, they wanted to go get food after I wanted to go he didn't he pretended to steal my car and i kicked him out and drove to my parents house leaving him stranded at 2am and he had to have his mom drive an hour and a half to pick him up. It almost caused the breakup then we actually broke up about a month later. We've been living in the same bedroom basically since the breakup and he tells me that I'm his best friend and that he wants to remain close. We hooked up on and off for the first 2 months and haven't really hooked up in about a month. we were still sleeping in the same bed until about 2 weeks ago.

[loversreunited]

Yeah that is pretty interesting you also had a mini breakup about 6 months before as well. My ex also said that same thing about I'm his best friend and even after the breakup he was still chasing me until he found mr rebound. He was also still asking me for advice in regards to job choices after the breakup as well. Now it feels like he has totally moved on. I have come to the conclusion that if we are meant to be he will come back into my life in the future. We just can't force them as much as we love them. I'm currently starting to see someone else but taking things very slow. Keep us updated if your ex comes around. It's amazing you still have contact. I cut contact once I found out about the new guy. We just can't compete with something new until they start seeing the flaws in that person.

[Confusedguy1988]

This is really good advice and absolutely true. Thats how rebounds work. I remember when I started talking to my rebound he seemed so perfect and I knew I was getting over my ex. Time passed and he just wasn't my ex you know? You're right though, if its meant to be we'll end up back together in time. I think another reason he thinks this relationship is working so well is because he has all the power. When we got into a drunk argument a couple weeks ago I told him that I was still in love with him and wanted him back. So he has his new guy and knows that if he wanted to get back with me he could. I think what I'm going to do is start pulling away a little and showing my emotions less that way he feels as though I am moving on.