Thinkalot Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 I posted on here back in March, asking about the pros and cons of keeping in touch with ex's. One in particular had just called me wanting to meet up for lunch, and to come and visit (he lives about 5 hrs away). My fiance has never met this guy...but does not like him, because he knows that the guy and I were friends, and knows we had a brief fling. My fiance is very moralistic and dissaproves of the behaviour, ie casual sex (he knows he is strict in his views...but that's who he is) and feels uncomfortable with the ex as a result. Plus, there's been the usual jealousies which arise with ex's at the best of times. So, when this guy rang me up, I wondered what to do. I didn't want to be rude or hurtful to someone who I've known for a while. But ..We only speak occassionally now anyway, because I scaled things right back...both for my fiance, and also because I'm moving forward now. I decided the best thing would be not to see him. My partner was thrilled with that decision, even though he certainly did not demand that I do that. At the time, the ex didn't end up calling me back to see what my decision was. I just didn't hear from him. Anyway..enough background. When my fiance and I got engaged a month ago or so, I rang and told friends, including this ex. He wasn't there, so I left a message. I heard from him for the first time today. It was a while before he congratulated me. He said he was happy for me, etc etc, but he also sounded strained. He asked if I would be in his area anytime soon so we could catch up, and asked if my fiance would be comfortable with that. (he knows there's been tension in the past about this). I said, "yes I think he would be uncomfortable. So it would be best all round if we don't catch up". He said, "best for you too?". And I said, "yes, best for me too, in that it will be best for my relationship, and best for --- (my fiance)...and both those things come first and are most important to me now, above other things". Boy, did it feel good to say that! I was actually nervous, because it's tough sometimes to be so direct with someone like that. But I knew I was doing the right thing by my fiance and my relationship. It felt honest, and right and respectful. I know the ex/friend was a bit upset...but he simply said "I understand". He was sad, and I knew that. But we have not been close in terms of a friendship for some time, and he is certainly not worth making my fiance feel uncomfortable , and creating tension in my relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Good for you!!! I'm sure it was tough, but it definitely sounds like not just the best course, but really the only course you could have taken. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 It's almost amazing that people are reluctant to commit acts of love, considering how great you feel when you've done so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Yes, funny that. Doing things for someone else always feels great though doesn't it. The giving of love is so rewarding. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 I think it has to do with choosing.Choosing with all your heart. That meaning that you won't change your mind afterwards and that you won't have a safety net if you do. Of course, no one goes into a marriage thinking they'll need a safety net. I think that the main reason that people keep exes close is because they're scared to completely confide in their current partner. Scared of "forever", even if they do decide to get married. In the end, it's all in our head ! So allow me to congratulate you for the wonderful battle you gained. For yourself, first and foremost, and then for your fiancé and for your relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
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