My husband treats me like a child

[Jessica w]

Hi, I'm new here and was just kind of curious as to what other married couples think of how my husband is acting.

 

We have been together for four years, lived together for two years and have been married since November of last year. I'm 29 and he is 35. We don't have children and neither of us want to ever have children. I was working for a small business that went under and lost my job early last fall. I didn't immediately look for another job because of the wedding and our honeymoon plans, and that was fine with him. Not long after we were married he was promoted and got a raise and he told me I could just be a housewife. I was fine with that. Now I hardly ever leave the apartment unless we go somewhere together, grocery shopping or for necessities or occasionally out to eat.

Also I want to say that he is almost always trying to please me, letting me pick where to eat and what to watch on tv and what to do in the particular evening. He always drives and takes care of any problems that might arise. We spend all our time together other than when he is at work, and he always comes straight home from work. I've become somewhat depressed and told him so and he said I should get out of the apt more. But when I made a few suggestions, he became angry. When I try to leave, he will keep me from leaving. He does have a bad temper and seems like he is becoming more controlling, even down to little things like always pushing the grocery cart. I can't tell if he is being controlling or being nice by doing everything for me.

 

He is a good man and a good husband, but sometimes I feel like he is acting like he is my father. Is that a normal dynamic of a husband/wife relationship?

 

Also, we are looking for a house which I am excited about but the house he wants is kind of out in the country and the neighbors are not too close, which kind of scares me a little because of his temper.

 

Thanks for any input. If you need to know more info, just ask. Thanks.

Edited April 1, 2012 by Jessica w

[TaraMaiden]

he has adopted the role of primary carer, and has assumed roles of parent and guardian.

this will never be worked out by you two alone, primarily because of his temper, insistence and oblivion to the problem.

he has to first see there is a problem, acknowledge it, and more importantly, realise it needs addressing.

until then, the dynamic will continue and intensify.

 

you need to get out, and separate from him.

Contact your family, and go and stay with them.

But do not cut off contact.

Tell him you wish to attend counselling, where you can sepak freely, openly and without contradiction, temper and hostility.

 

He may never get through this. he may be obstinate and refuse to acknowledge anything.

You have to try.

But get yourself out, keep yourself safe, and only agree to move back when you see he has genuinely made changes.

Until then - it's a deal-breaker.

[Jessica w]

Thank you for reading and your advice. I've really been wondering if this was normal or not. I know in many cultures it is normal for the wife to stay at home and be submissive and let the husband control everything, but neither of us grew up in that kind of culture. I know there must have been signs that I must have ignored, because I love him. And I know he loves me, I just never really wanted the old fashioned type of relationship, and I never really thought he did either. Although, now that I think about it, before we got married when we were engaged, he used to joke about how I would be his property after we were married. He even jokes about how we should move to various places in the middle east when we see something on tv about how their culture is about marriage.

 

I know we need counseling and he has brought it up too. I really have become too intimidated or scared to bring up any issues or complaints when we are alone. He will ask me whats wrong and get angry if I don't want to say and get angry when I tell him the truth. And he says I'm being passive aggressive. My brother lives a couple hours away so I will go stay with him. I will probably have to leave while my husband is at work. Thanks again.

[OpenBook]

No, it's not normal!! Please don't EVER assume it is normal to feel intimidated and suppressed by your spouse!!

 

It is not uncommon, however, that most relationships slip into an unhealthy dynamic from time to time. Counseling is the best way to examine that and formulate a plan to change it. I'm relieved to hear your H is open to going. I think with this type of problem, you're not going to be able to resolve it by yourself - you'll both need some outside help to work through it.

[Jessica w]

Thank you, I'm glad to hear that I'm not just going crazy or being ungrateful.

[Lauriebell82]

Thank you for reading and your advice. I've really been wondering if this was normal or not. I know in many cultures it is normal for the wife to stay at home and be submissive and let the husband control everything, but neither of us grew up in that kind of culture. I know there must have been signs that I must have ignored, because I love him. And I know he loves me, I just never really wanted the old fashioned type of relationship, and I never really thought he did either. Although, now that I think about it, before we got married when we were engaged, he used to joke about how I would be his property after we were married. He even jokes about how we should move to various places in the middle east when we see something on tv about how their culture is about marriage.

 

I know we need counseling and he has brought it up too. I really have become too intimidated or scared to bring up any issues or complaints when we are alone. He will ask me whats wrong and get angry if I don't want to say and get angry when I tell him the truth. And he says I'm being passive aggressive. My brother lives a couple hours away so I will go stay with him. I will probably have to leave while my husband is at work. Thanks again.

 

It definately sounds like he wants a submissive wife. I agree counseling is your best option at this point.

[Jessica w]

I used to volunteer at the animal shelter until "it started taking up too much of my time." I just will have to go to counseling.

[carhill]

OP, did your husband 'have a temper' and/or exhibit controlling behaviors during the two years you lived together? Describe that dynamic.

 

Outside of communicating anger (his 'temper'), does your H have reasonable communication skills? Do you feel 'heard'? Does he remember issues and respect your perspective? Is there any change from when you were living together? If so, how?

 

I would second the suggestion for counseling, but IMO it needs to be MC and that requires his participation. The marriage is the client. This presumes you wish to continue in the marriage.

[Jessica w]

Carhill, yes he has always had a temper as long as I've known him. I'm trying to think of ways that he may have been controlling throughout our dating and living together... He would sometimes demand to see my phone to see who I was texting, usually my mom or my brother. Before we moved in together, sometimes we would be out and he would get really mad at something and I would leave to go home and he would follow me home. One time I spent the night at his place and he wouldn't let me sleep and he took all my stuff so I couldn't leave. But those times were few and far between. When we moved in together he kind of just assumed the financial stuff, like paying bills and things. He keeps all the money, he used to let me keep some cash on me, but not anymore. I know he isn't going out and spending money behind my back or anything, I guess he just doesn't want me to go out and waste it. I've never been a shopaholic, so I don't know why. He's been doing little things since we've moved in together like grabbing by my upper arm and whispering in my ear something like "control yourself or I will do it for you". He did that yesterday at a garden shop when I was being silly and getting excited about the birds flying around inside. (Im a big animal lover) It seemed like he was kind of joking but it still made me a little uncomfortable.

 

He seems to be very involved in wanted to know how I'm feeling. If he thinks or it seems like I'm quiet or sad he will ask what is wrong. If I get upset he will try to fix things and help me. He is very caring, but can get mad at me if I say something that will upset him.

[TaraMaiden]

He seems to be very involved in wanted to know how I'm feeling. If he thinks or it seems like I'm quiet or sad he will ask what is wrong.

 

If I get upset he will try to fix things and help me.

 

He is very caring, but can get mad at me if I say something that will upset him.

 

of course we can't see him, or know him as you do - but based on everything you have revealed about him - this isn't involvement. it's almost as if he wants to get inside your mind and find out what's going on in there....

 

And while men ARE fixers - he's devaluing your ability to do stuff for yourself, until one day he will tell you that you're useless at everything - and you'll believe him.

 

He's not caring - he wants you to conform to his will, and I think he may be unconsciously trying to erase any vestige of your independence.

i would say almost that this is bordering on a personality disorder.

I've never read of anyone being quite so insidiously controlling....

[PinkInTheLimo]

He is controlling you. Don't buy a house with him yet. Your relationship has to become better first.

I know it is comfortable to stay at home but in the current circumstances you absolutely need to have your own job. Because if he does not change his behaviour, you will have to contemplate a divorce as this kind of attitude often only gets worse.

 

In my mothertongue we have a saying which goes along "the fool says his truth while he is making a joke". The jokes about the middle east and you being his property convey deep-seated thoughts of his about marriage. He needs to change them because otherwise you will become his prisoner.

 

Read: "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft and the books by Patricia Evans, they give a good insight in the minds of controlling men. Unfortunately very often the only thing a woman can do is to leave such a man...

[PinkInTheLimo]

Carhill, yes he has always had a temper as long as I've known him. I'm trying to think of ways that he may have been controlling throughout our dating and living together... He would sometimes demand to see my phone to see who I was texting, usually my mom or my brother. Before we moved in together, sometimes we would be out and he would get really mad at something and I would leave to go home and he would follow me home. One time I spent the night at his place and he wouldn't let me sleep and he took all my stuff so I couldn't leave. But those times were few and far between. When we moved in together he kind of just assumed the financial stuff, like paying bills and things. He keeps all the money, he used to let me keep some cash on me, but not anymore. I know he isn't going out and spending money behind my back or anything, I guess he just doesn't want me to go out and waste it. I've never been a shopaholic, so I don't know why. He's been doing little things since we've moved in together like grabbing by my upper arm and whispering in my ear something like "control yourself or I will do it for you". He did that yesterday at a garden shop when I was being silly and getting excited about the birds flying around inside. (Im a big animal lover) It seemed like he was kind of joking but it still made me a little uncomfortable.

 

He seems to be very involved in wanted to know how I'm feeling. If he thinks or it seems like I'm quiet or sad he will ask what is wrong. If I get upset he will try to fix things and help me. He is very caring, but can get mad at me if I say something that will upset him.

 

This is all very wrong. Why did you marry a guy with such a bad temper? I guess the fact that he can be very nice and caring convinced you.

[Jessica w]

TaraMaiden, I have already begun to have those feelings. I don't feel like I am the person I used to be. I was in the USAF for six years, for gods sake! And he still acts and treats me like I am incapable of surviving in life without him. sometimes I feel myself disappearing with him. But then I think, he has agreed to move to Utah, my dream ever since going there with my family as a child. He has allowed me to get three more cats, plus the one I had when we met. He took me to Utah and let me plan the trip and hiked all the canyons and mountains that I wanted to. He's not as in good shape as I am. I'm wondering, what personality disorder do you think it might be? I got my bachelors in psych but then dropped out. But I love pouring over the DSM IV.

[Jessica w]

Thank you Pink, I know I have been so naive, and I guess he kind of took over and I let him. I never even thought it might lead to divorce, but I am becoming depressed. He suggests we get help and I can think is "I just need to get away from you" although I dont really want to leave or get a divorce. I just want to be happy and not feel hopeless. Thank you for recommending the book. I think I will ask my mom to get it for me, or maybe my brother.

 

I married him despite his temper because other than his temper, I love him and he goes out of his way to make me happy and really loves me or so I thought.

[TaraMaiden]

He 'allowed' you to get cats...?

 

oh boy.....

 

ok, read this:

If any of it rings true - contact your brother asap.

[LadyGrey]

OP, please google emotional abusive men and relationships. You are being emotionally abused, the control the threats and him trying to cut off your contact to the outside world. Him grabbing your arm is a prelude to getting physical with you. Of if you put him on the spot about it, he will act indignant and make you feel terrible for even mentioning such a thing but make no mistake, he is threatening you in a very subtle way. Many people don't realize that abusive men also have good characteristics and many women don't recognize the signs, so I beg of you to educate yourself. It's not constant abuse, it goes in cycles. Ownership and controlling behavior is not love even though it is often mistaken in the beginning and some women find it flattering and it seems caring at first.

 

If you do not get out now, it will only escalate and you will be living in hell in a few years. Keep in mind that he is the only one who has the power to change. Very few men can make that change. I know........you don't see the seriousness now of the situation but it will get worse and please don't allow him to pull you back by manipulating you. I speak from experience.

[xxoo]

Also, we are looking for a house which I am excited about but the house he wants is kind of out in the country and the neighbors are not too close, which kind of scares me a little because of his temper.

 

I read the whole post, but this sentence really says all you need to know. If you are scared at the idea of being isolated with your husband, there is a problem.

 

Fear is not a normal part of a loving relationship. Fear is your inner voice working to keep you safe.

 

I'd recommend individual counseling to get professional input.

[Jessica w]

Ok, I just read the last posts and the article TaraMaiden sent. It his home. He gets off in 3 hours. Seriously, should I pack some stuff and go to my brothers tonight or wait and talk with him about all this tonight? I hate to leave and not say anything, it seems wrong somehow. If you all really think I should go, I will pack a bag and go now and wait for counseling to talk to him about this. Tell me what you think, I've got 3 hours until he gets home from work. I'm not trying to act like he physically abuses me, I don't mean to over exaggerate the situation, but I know that there are many people who have know more about this than me. And also I know that I am not really able to see the whole situation objectively. Thanks again for all your advice.

[Jessica w]

Also, Lady Grey thank you. I was just wondering, were you in a similar situation? If so, what did you do?

[bentnotbroken]

Go to your brothers. Get some distance and some clarity. You need space to think and process. Leave him a note saying you need some space and tell him why. Tell him you are going to individual counseling and you will decide your next move from there.

[freestyle]

He 'allowed' you to get cats...?

 

oh boy.....

 

ok, read this:

If any of it rings true - contact your brother asap.

 

To add to what TaraMaiden suggested....

 

Another very comprehensive read that goes in-depth into the psychology behind "controllers' AND "controllees" is "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans.

 

It could be very eye-opening for you.

 

Anyone who attempts to define you, or your reality---is controlling you.

Eventually, it will subsume your very personhood.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Ok, I just read the last posts and the article TaraMaiden sent. It his home. He gets off in 3 hours. Seriously, should I pack some stuff and go to my brothers tonight or wait and talk with him about all this tonight? I hate to leave and not say anything, it seems wrong somehow. If you all really think I should go, I will pack a bag and go now and wait for counseling to talk to him about this. Tell me what you think, I've got 3 hours until he gets home from work. I'm not trying to act like he physically abuses me, I don't mean to over exaggerate the situation, but I know that there are many people who have know more about this than me. And also I know that I am not really able to see the whole situation objectively. Thanks again for all your advice.

 

DON'T TALK WITH HIM!!! He could get violent and he will try to convince you to stay.

Just leave. He will absolutely get that you have seen through him and that his game is over.

BTW, you don't have to do marriage counseling, HE has to see a counselor. Most probably he will not want to as he will be convinced that you are the problem.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I married him despite his temper because other than his temper, I love him and he goes out of his way to make me happy and really loves me or so I thought.

 

I was with a guy like that. He totally lured me into a relationship with him because "he knew how to treat a lady". Presents, romantic, driving me wherever I wanted to go,... But he had a mean streak and it was "his way or the highway". He also could not stand it when I was quiet, started pushing me about what I was feeling and thinking (I've got the kind of head which is always spinning and I prefer to process my thoughts and feelings before I say something so I felt very pushed by this).

In the end I was always walking on eggshells because I never knew when he would blow up.

 

I tried to talk to him and to explain to him that he had to get off my back. He wouldn't have it. Eventually he dumped me in a really cruel way.

 

I loved this guy but in hindsight I regret not having left the relationship earlier because it took me a long time to restore my self-esteem.

[Jessica w]

Ok, I'm about to go pack a couple bags and make sure everything is set up easy for him to take care of the cats.

 

Pink.. You hit the nail on the head!! He is just like. Like the perfect gentleman until he gets mad. I'm the same way like you, just quiet and thinking sometimes and I think that makes him nervous like I'm not happy with him or something. Sometimes I am actually sad.

 

Anyway, thank you all so much and if you want I'll keep you updated from my brothers. Again, thank you.

[freestyle]

Please----take time to read on how to detach yourself from an abusive relationship, safely.

 

For your own safety---it should be done carefully, and on YOUR terms.

 

You need to play your cards VERY close to your chest right now.

Play dumb for a little while---do NOT react instantly.

Take a little more time to truly assimilate the information you're just starting to digest.

 

Take the time to formulate a long-term plan to support, and protect yourself, before making any sudden moves.

 

I'm NOT saying stay for a few more months--just give yourself time to plan calmly.

 

Unless-he gets violent--then be on your way 'five minutes ago'.