My husband treats me like a child

[Jessica w]

Ok, that makes sense. Just not say anything for a bit. I really don't feel that I'm in any danger. The maddest I've seen him is if I try to leave during a fight.

[PinkInTheLimo]

One thing: do not become pregnant! Not in this turmoil!

[freestyle]

Ok, that makes sense. Just not say anything for a bit. I really don't feel that I'm in any danger. The maddest I've seen him is if I try to leave during a fight.

 

Take the time to make sure you get your important documents, like your birth certificate, copied or into a safer place. (like with your family)

 

Little details like that---can be a nuisance later, if you end up at odds with him---you may still be forced to deal with him.

 

The whole point of planning a break, is to be able to make a completely clean break.......(where you don't need to return for ANYTHING)

[Ariadne]

Jessica,

 

Please don't go and get divorced or do something you'll regret following the advice in the forum.

 

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. He is responsible and caring.

 

You married the guy so you knew the way he was, don't make him now to be some sort of monster (scary abusive person). That would be very wrong.

 

Nobody is perfect, and when men have all those responsibilities sometimes they can get tense.

 

Well, good luck hope you can get to talk and solve this matter.

[Jessica w]

Considering I have eight hours a day to myself at the apt, I should be able to pull that off. I've already hidden away a bag of toiletries and extra clothes in my trunk. That's one thing he doesn't have over me, my car. I owned it outright before we met. I have thought of leaving him before when he is extremely angry and raging or when I am so depressed, but I think of my cats and my king snake. We have fish too. (I told you guys I was an animal lover) I would probably have adopted a zoo if he hadn't stopped me.

 

I still am wanting our marriage to work. I love this man very much and I still think, maybe stupidly, that he loves me. I want to leave to get a break and find myself and my strength again, but overall I want to reconcile if that is possible. But I do also want to be prepared and no longer naive.

[Jessica w]

Ariadne, I don't mean to make him seem like a monster. He is not that at all. True, he has a temper, but who doesn't right? It's just that I am beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable with some of his actions and wanted some advice on it. I do not want a divorce or separation, I just want to be able to put things on a healthy relationship track. Thank you.

[Jessica w]

In the most simplest way possible to say it... He has always been very gentlemanly and taken care of me, but I am beginning to feel like it is going a bit to far. I enjoy and appreciate the protection and care of a man, I still want to be able to feel capable on my own, not that I want to be alone without him. It's hard to explain I guess.

[LadyGrey]

Also, Lady Grey thank you. I was just wondering, were you in a similar situation? If so, what did you do?

 

Go to your brothers. Get some distance and some clarity. You need space to think and process. Leave him a note saying you need some space and tell him why. Tell him you are going to individual counseling and you will decide your next move from there.

 

Jessica, I think you've had some great advice here and I agree that you need to not rush out the door right now, you need to plan this because if you are not prepared he will suck you back in. I think Bent's advice and others is awesome but you need to have a plan. Not having a clear head and a plan will leave you open to his manipulations and abusers are skilled at manipulations. Please spend time googling emotional abuse before he gets home, I don't want you to just take our word for it. Education and knowledge is power! The most dangerous time for violence is the time period right after a woman leaves and yes that includes someone who has never hit you before. They can snap. You have to prepare yourself so he will not be able to manipulate you. He will swear up and down that he just loves you, wants to take care of you, loves you so much he needs to protect you. He is full of shyte or doesn't recognize himself what love really is. Please do understand that he will say anything to keep you there. I would suggest this.....when you get your head clear and you have a plan, you leave, you take 3 months to get it together on your own and tell him that he can not have any contact with you during this time. You tell him if he is to have any chance at all that you might come back, he must start IC right away and continue for a year. If he gets crazy.......then all bets are off, you walk and don't look back.

 

If you stay with him, you will only enable him to continue the abuse or escalate it, also you will also be opening yourself up to getting your own head more screwed up. Please don't allow him to do this to you.

 

Yes.....I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was engaged to him and thankfully I saw his ways before I married him. He was jealous, controlling and would flip everything around till it was my fault. The first time he called me a stupid f'ing bitch was when I was done although I did have to plan to leave. Oh he was very charming to start with and when he was good, he was very good but because of my own family history, I saw quickly but then again, I should have saw more before the engagement. He was, I believe, a narcissistic personality disordered person. It scars your soul hon.......the longer you put up with it, the deeper the scars.

 

Some may think, I'm overeating here, but I've lived it, I so know the signs. Save yourself!

[freestyle]

Jessica,

 

Please don't go and get divorced or do something you'll regret following the advice in the forum.

 

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. He is responsible and caring.

 

You married the guy so you knew the way he was, don't make him now to be some sort of monster (scary abusive person). That would be very wrong.

 

Nobody is perfect, and when men have all those responsibilities sometimes they can get tense.

 

Well, good luck hope you can get to talk and solve this matter.

 

 

By chance did you miss where she posted about him grabbing her phone, demanding to know who she's talking to?

 

Or getting angry with her, and preventing her from leaving the apartment?

 

If Jessica wants to walk away from an argument---she has EVERY right to do so.

 

 

I wouldn't call that 'wonderful' and 'caring'.

Those are HUGE red flags.

 

Jessica---My advice is to not do anything suddenly, if you don't think you're in danger.

 

Educate yourself---and listen to your gut.

 

Decide for yourself if you prefer a marriage that is a partnership of equals, or one in which you're expected to be subservient. It's your choice.

[LadyGrey]

Also........if that is your real photo, remove it. You can't know right now, what might happen in the future with this man and I can tell you that he will not let you go easily. I came within a hair of having to get a RO. This from a woman who had never had anything more than a traffic ticket.........I was mortified to have to walk in the law enforcement office to discuss it. Oh.....he put me through hell for a year after I left.

[LadyGrey]

UNLESS you have personal experience with abuse or you know the signs you need to be extremely careful with advice like this. It's extremely irresponsible!

 

Clearly from your post, you don't know what abusive behavior is. Jessica might not be in danger at this point but it will escalate and just because someone doesn't hit you, doesn't mean that the damage is not as great.......it is.

 

SMH>>......this is an example of why forum advice can sometimes be a dangerous thing.

 

 

Jessica,

 

Please don't go and get divorced or do something you'll regret following the advice in the forum.

 

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. He is responsible and caring.

 

You married the guy so you knew the way he was, don't make him now to be some sort of monster (scary abusive person). That would be very wrong.

 

Nobody is perfect, and when men have all those responsibilities sometimes they can get tense.

 

Well, good luck hope you can get to talk and solve this matter.

[Ariadne]

Ariadne, I don't mean to make him seem like a monster. He is not that at all. True, he has a temper, but who doesn't right? It's just that I am beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable with some of his actions and wanted some advice on it. I do not want a divorce or separation, I just want to be able to put things on a healthy relationship track. Thank you.

 

I get it. Just don't get carried away with things and think with a clear mind.

 

Hope you can work things out.

[findingnemo]

I'm sorry I need some clarification.

 

In 2012, how can you stay home everyday? What are you doing? You don't want to work (you said you don't mind), you ask him for permission to have cats, you go grocery shopping with him, hello? Now you are unhappy and are saying that if we tell you to leave, you will leave?

 

You gave him 100% control over you. So instead of leaving why not take it back. Start by telling him you want to work again (which I believe you should be doing for your own sanity). It doesn't seem to me like you have an abusive H and I'm ultra sensitive to abuse.

 

What do you mean by a temper problem? What exactly does he do when he gets angry? I'm confused. Does he yell at you?

[LadyGrey]

Not long after we were married he was promoted and got a raise and he told me I could just be a housewife. I was fine with that. Now I hardly ever leave the apartment unless we go somewhere together, grocery shopping or for necessities or occasionally out to eat.

 

He always drives and takes care of any problems that might arise. We spend all our time together other than when he is at work, and he always comes straight home from work. I've become somewhat depressed and told him so and he said I should get out of the apt more. But when I made a few suggestions, he became angry. When I try to leave, he will keep me from leaving. He does have a bad temper and seems like he is becoming more controlling, even down to little things like always pushing the grocery cart. I can't tell if he is being controlling or being nice by doing everything for me.

 

He is a good man and a good husband, but sometimes I feel like he is acting like he is my father. Is that a normal dynamic of a husband/wife relationship?

 

Also, we are looking for a house which I am excited about but the house he wants is kind of out in the country and the neighbors are not too close, which kind of scares me a little because of his temper.

 

I know in many cultures it is normal for the wife to stay at home and be submissive and let the husband control everything, but neither of us grew up in that kind of culture. I know there must have been signs that I must have ignored, because I love him. And I know he loves me, I just never really wanted the old fashioned type of relationship, and I never really thought he did either. Although, now that I think about it, before we got married when we were engaged, he used to joke about how I would be his property after we were married. He even jokes about how we should move to various places in the middle east when we see something on tv about how their culture is about marriage.

 

I really have become too intimidated or scared to bring up any issues or complaints when we are alone. He will ask me whats wrong and get angry if I don't want to say and get angry when I tell him the truth. And he says I'm being passive aggressive.

 

I used to volunteer at the animal shelter until "it started taking up too much of my time." I just will have to go to counseling.

 

Carhill, yes he has always had a temper as long as I've known him. I'm trying to think of ways that he may have been controlling throughout our dating and living together... He would sometimes demand to see my phone to see who I was texting, usually my mom or my brother. Before we moved in together, sometimes we would be out and he would get really mad at something and I would leave to go home and he would follow me home. One time I spent the night at his place and he wouldn't let me sleep and he took all my stuff so I couldn't leave. But those times were few and far between. When we moved in together he kind of just assumed the financial stuff, like paying bills and things. He keeps all the money, he used to let me keep some cash on me, but not anymore.

He's been doing little things since we've moved in together like grabbing by my upper arm and whispering in my ear something like "control yourself or I will do it for you". He did that yesterday at a garden shop when I was being silly and getting excited about the birds flying around inside. (Im a big animal lover) It seemed like he was kind of joking but it still made me a little uncomfortable.

 

He is very caring, but can get mad at me if I say something that will upset him.

 

I don't feel like I am the person I used to be. I was in the USAF for six years, for gods sake! And he still acts and treats me like I am incapable of surviving in life without him. sometimes I feel myself disappearing with him. But then I think, he has agreed to move to Utah, my dream ever since going there with my family as a child. He has allowed me to get three more cats, plus the one I had when we met.

 

I have thought of leaving him before when he is extremely angry and raging or when I am so depressed, but I think of my cats and my king snake. We have fish too. (I told you guys I was an animal lover) I would probably have adopted a zoo if he hadn't stopped me.

 

I still am wanting our marriage to work. I love this man very much and I still think, maybe stupidly, that he loves me. I want to leave to get a break and find myself and my strength again, but overall I want to reconcile if that is possible. But I do also want to be prepared and no longer naive.

 

I'm sorry I need some clarification.

 

In 2012, how can you stay home everyday? What are you doing? You don't want to work (you said you don't mind), you ask him for permission to have cats, you go grocery shopping with him, hello? Now you are unhappy and are saying that if we tell you to leave, you will leave?

 

You gave him 100% control over you. So instead of leaving why not take it back. Start by telling him you want to work again (which I believe you should be doing for your own sanity). It doesn't seem to me like you have an abusive H and I'm ultra sensitive to abuse.

 

What do you mean by a temper problem? What exactly does he do when he gets angry? I'm confused. Does he yell at you?

 

FN........I've quoted all the things that are warning signs in her posts, it's quite a list. Some are bolded for emphasis. Usually I agree with your posts hon, but there are so many flags in this of an abusive man, that it's scaring me.

 

I'm sorry.......but I can't help but be quite passionate about this man being abusive, HE IS and it will get much worse. I only want to save her pain and the beating her self esteem will take if she stays with him. I only want her to empower herself. Her gut..........knows these things, that is why she came here to get confirmation of it. It may take her a while to accept it, but what he is doing is emotional abuse................and I'm not the ONLY one here who sees it. I think he will become physically abusive if it goes on.............he is ALREADY grabbing her by the arm and telling her to control herself. THAT should NEVER EVER be ok to do to your wife.

Edited April 1, 2012 by LadyGrey

[darkmoon]

grabbing OP by the arm? carerful OP! what OP has posted here is what you say behind his back - he does not sound too good -i wonder how he'll be in counselling when his bad points are spelled out, but i'm not the one whose afraid of him- i see arm-grabbing as a turning point and a crappy bully

[freestyle]

FN........I've quoted all the things that are warning signs in her posts, it's quite a list. Some are bolded for emphasis. Usually I agree with your posts hon, but there are so many flags in this of an abusive man, that it's scaring me.

 

I'm sorry.......but I can't help but be quite passionate about this man being abusive, HE IS and it will get much worse. I only want to save her pain and the beating her self esteem will take if she stays with him. I only want her to empower herself. Her gut..........knows these things, that is why she came here to get confirmation of it. It may take her a while to accept it, but what he is doing is emotional abuse................and I'm not the ONLY one here who sees it. I think he will become physically abusive if it goes on.............he is ALREADY grabbing her by the arm and telling her to control herself. THAT should NEVER EVER be ok to do to your wife.

 

 

First off---to Lady Grey---thank you for taking the time to bring all of that into one place.

 

Isolated incidents, viewed separately---may not seem like much..

 

When you start to consider cumulative effect, and step back to see a greater pattern---that's what gets my radar going.I noticed the same points that you bolded, and my alarm bells went off.

 

 

@Jessica-----I hope your husband WILL listen to reason--see the error of his ways, and change his behavior. That would be the ideal outcome.

 

There is the possibility that your H will make a sincere effort, when you communicate your concerns.

 

There's also the possibility that he'll flip out on you.

 

You should be prepared, all the same, for either outcome.

 

 

Years of real life experience, as well as extensive research---have led me to be cautious of "overnight changes" in controlling types of people. Listen to your gut, pay attention to the signals your body sends.

 

 

Even if we're wrong----------------------

 

It will be empowering to you,all the same, to take the time to understand the dynamics of a lopsided relationship, as well as the underlying psychology. (on BOTH sides of the equation)

[LadyGrey]

grabbing OP by the arm? carerful OP! what OP has posted here is what you say behind his back - he does not sound too good -i wonder how he'll be in counselling when his bad points are spelled out, but i'm not the one whose afraid of him- i see arm-grabbing as a turning point and a crappy bully

 

Abusers are always bullies, they want to bully you to submit and accept their shoddy treatment, but then they will cry and proclaim how much they love you.

 

From the stanfordedu. website.

Relationship Abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. An abusive relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. Abuse can be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern to try to control her/him.

 

PLEASE view this link, there is a wheel there that tells people what the signs are for abuse. Many of the things that Jessica has posted are on this wheel. http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/DV-abuse_cycle.pdf

All women should look at that link so you might be able to identify the signs BEFORE you are in up to your ears. Jessica.....if nothing else, please look at this one link.

[findingnemo]

Thanks, LG for pointing it all out to me.

 

Yes, I can see the birth of an abuser at the rate he's going. I also see a woman who absolutely needs someone else to tell her what is what...and I don't think that's our place frankly. To go to the extent of telling her to pack up right now and leave him? If he is indeed an abuser are we making sense when we tell her to run to her brother's home just like that? He'll come back for her and she will not resist him! At least she won't be able to say a bunch of anonymous people gave her advice which she followed.

 

This woman needs to be empowered!! Empowered to take back what control she can IN HER HOME if she can. She needs to be empowered to leave and leave for good. A short term solution to run away will only make this man more dangerous.

 

So I would ask her the following:

 

1. What do you mean he has a bad temper? What does he do when he is mad that has you so intimidated that you won't say anything contrary any more? I ask because when you run and he gets mad and and comes after you, you won't have suddenly developed the fortitude to oppose him.

 

2. Have you discussed these issues with your mother and brother? Are they willing to support you? We wont be able to give you the physical or real life support you need. If they are not, you need to run to a women's shelter where they will protect YOU rather than buy into your H's good guy act. Where when you start thinking you made all this up, there will be someone to tell you you didn't.

 

3. If you stood up for yourself and stated that you will start working again, what will he do (in your mind)?

 

The first line of defense when being bullied is to stand up for yourself. It seems to me like he is bullying you BUT I will tell you that this in itself is abuse and will escalate. In your case, getting a job will make you independent. You're not a school girl who can go back to living with your mother or brother. Most abused women go back to their spouses. Why? Because they miss their independence. They miss running their own homes. They miss the comforts. Stupid reason in the long run but funny enough it happens all the time!!!

 

So if you're going anywhere, have a plan that will enable you to stick with your decision. From what I've read so far, as you keep posting you seem less and less sure how abusive your H is. Could be the psychological effect of being abused. But unless you become 100% sure you're being abused, running now may be the wrong thing to do. Waffling is possibly the best way to give your abuser more power over you. So OP, do you agree that you are being abused?

[findingnemo]

Abusers are always bullies, they want to bully you to submit and accept their shoddy treatment, but then they will cry and proclaim how much they love you.

 

From the stanfordedu. website.

Relationship Abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. An abusive relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. Abuse can be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern to try to control her/him.

 

PLEASE view this link, there is a wheel there that tells people what the signs are for abuse. Many of the things that Jessica has posted are on this wheel. http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/DV-abuse_cycle.pdf

All women should look at that link so you might be able to identify the signs BEFORE you are in up to your ears. Jessica.....if nothing else, please look at this one link.

 

Thanks for this, LG. I was thinking of finding something like this to help the OP understand better.

 

OP, read this and think about what you can do. Meanwhile please please do not in a moment of passion decide to discuss THIS with him...or that you're even on this board. If he senses anything, he'll change in a heartbeat and it will be temporary. Read and understand why it is you seem to be of two minds - you love him but you're unhappy AND you want him to change but you want the M. Read, read, read and plan, plan, plan.

[MeiGuan]

Is your husband a Muslim? If he is not, perhaps he should consider it! Really only Islamist men behave like that. Their culture and sexist believes drive them to opress their woman. And this not stereotipical! I have lived it! Women! Avoid these men! You will never change them and they will never adapt! They may seem nice, but that is just the outside.

[musemaj11]

Just divorce him and take half his money. CA-CHING!

[Jessica w]

Thanks for all the input. I haven't done anything or said anything to him about it. I'm really hoping this can all be worked out. I have been applying for jobs around town, although I haven't said anything to him about it. I hoping if I have already been hired, it will help him to be ok with it.

[TaraMaiden]

Ooooh yeah.... let us know how well he takes to that one....

 

i'm not confident myself.....

 

'Hoping this can all be worked out' is frankly - sorry about this - naive and unrealistic.

You haven't had one single word of consent in thsi thread - so truly, i sincerely fear for your future.

[Tariq]

Islamic men are some of the only men in this world who know how to care for and treat a woman. Most men just let their woman walk all over them.

[TaraMaiden]

Don't for goodness' sake get into Islam here.

It won't go well, I fear.