My husband treats me like a child

[Jessica w]

No, we're not Muslim and were not raised by Muslims or anything like that. Actually neither of us are religious.

[happyme]

Muslim or not has nothing to do with this at all. Jessica, I have to agree with most of the other posters here: your man is controlling to a worrying degree. Married or not, you should NOT be feeling unsafe with the person you live with. Please listen to the advice you have received and take precautions. Use your head, take your time to plan it and do it properly but make sure you get out and keep safe. Be well prepared for emotional manipulation so that it cannot work on you and then watch the change of tactics. Be safe.

[Jessica w]

Am I wrong to think he actually loves me?

[happyme]

I don't know what your husband would understand by the term 'love' but in my book I can't talk of love without talking about respect and trust in the same breath. What about you?

[TaraMaiden]

Perfect point, happyme...

 

the three main components supporting, nourishinga nd enabling a healthy relationship are indeed, Trust, Respect - and Communication.

 

this relationship seems to be singularly handicapped in all three.

Jessica, please honey - listen.

Whatever he might feel for you, it's not a healthy emotion.

[Jessica w]

Thank you. I am educating myself on this and working to make it so that I am not so dependent.

[TaraMaiden]

You're not unintelligent - you had a lucrative career in the forces - they're not big on irresponsible idiots there - so you DO have a head on those shoulders.

 

Please try to view your posts and input, as if a complete stranger were posting.

Really - look at all the bolded sentences in LadyGrey's post (#40) and tell us, honestly - if you were viewing that dispassionately, as a new contributor to the thread - what would you tell the OP?

 

What advice would you give her?

[Jessica w]

I know...

I would probably say to leave him, although I know it's so much easier said than done. I've been making excuses and I still am. Even as I was typing that I was thinking, well he doesn't cheat or stay out late and get drunk, he works and is responsible... ugh. I'm sorry I'm so back and forth. I want to form a plan of action. I'm thinking, I will see about getting a job and suggesting marriage counseling. I think I will suggest it when he is feeling bad and apologetic for yelling at me or hitting and or breaking something.

[LadyGrey]

Hi Jessica,

 

Did you look at the links that I provided in a prior post about the signs of abuse?

 

 

It's a great idea to make a plan but first and foremost please learn what you are really dealing with so you can make an informed decision not based on emotions. I know it's a lot to digest and will take some time.

 

I've been thinking of you and hoping that you were OK.

[bentnotbroken]

Am I wrong to think he actually loves me?

 

 

He may love you a great deal, but is it a healthy love. Is it a love where you feel nurtured, lifted, and you want to strive for more as a person.

[Almond_Joy]

This thread made me think of Sleeping With The Enemy - that movie from the 90's with Julia Roberts - immediately.....minus the physical abuse.

 

My recommendation echoes that of everyone else in this thread. Good luck to you.

[freestyle]

This thread made me think of Sleeping With The Enemy - that movie from the 90's with Julia Roberts - immediately.....minus the physical abuse.

 

My recommendation echoes that of everyone else in this thread. Good luck to you.

 

Funny, that movie popped into my head, also.

So did, "Enough" (with J-Lo) and "The Tracy Thurman Story".

 

My opinion (& I suspect there are many who agree with me)

Is that some of the worst, most damaging abuse will never leave a visible bruise, or a mark. It's emotional, and psychological..........

 

Which makes it all the more difficult to pinpoint, identify, and measure.

 

I believe the "Invisible Fist"--(the threat of impending violence, if the victim doesn't toe the line) is worse to live with, than anything else.........The uncertainty that follows, once a partner has demonstrated a propensity for out-of-control rage (such punching walls, throwing things) can cause huge amounts of stress---forcing the partner to be hyper-vigilant.

 

That kind of stress can take a toll on the entirety of your well-being---physical, emotional, spiritual.

 

It's no way to live.

 

 

Jessica---again I'm certainly not advising you to run away tonight, or presuming your H is a monster. I AM very concerned by the red flag behaviors you mentioned, however. (Lady Grey's post in which she highlighted a lot of those flags IS very telling, IMO)

 

Please---continue to educate, & empower yourself, to make sure you don't fall into the same traps that so many women do.

[Jessica w]

Lady Grey, I did look at the links, and I've been looking at more similar websites too. I am trying to educate myself on my options and warning signs. Thank you for thinking of me. I'm doing ok.

 

I saw the Tracy Thurman Story on Lifetime recently. What a terrible tragedy, not just what her husband did, but how the police's neglect led to it. The movie crossed my mind when we began looking at the house he wants. I even told him it made me a little nervous being so far away from the neighbors (I didn't tell him why) and he said its not like its "no one can hear you scream" far away. That was when I thought of that movie.

 

I also have gotten the number to the local women's shelter and I keep it on me now, although he still hasn't done anything that would give me a reason to go there. Thanks again everyone.

[freestyle]

I'm glad to hear you're opening your eyes, and increasing your self-awareness.

 

Sending you good thoughts.....

[CC12]

Everyone has made some really good points and you seem to be taking people's advice seriously, so I don't have much to add but I wanted to tell you that you're handling this incredibly well so far. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and are relatively good at recognizing that something is very wrong. Please don't let this relationship corrode that aspect of you.

 

Just want to add that you should be careful that he doesn't find those websites you're looking at if he ever checks your internet browser's history. Maybe you've already covered your tracks there, but I thought I'd point it out in case you hadn't already thought of that. Unfortunately, I can't really help with how to do that, because all I know how to do is clear the history which would probably look suspicious. Maybe someone else here can help you with that if you need it.

 

Also:

 

Am I wrong to think he actually loves me?

 

I'm sure he does love you, but he doesn't do that in a healthy way. To him, loving you might mean isolating you, controlling you, or treating you like a child. This is not an excuse for his behavior. It is not okay, even if it's coming from a place of love. A relationship like this can utterly destroy you. You cannot allow that to happen. Look out for yourself.

[LadyGrey]

Your post made some very profound and true points, freestyle. My post to follow is examples of what being with a man like this will do to you and I apologize for the length in advance.

 

I wanted to share some ways that I changed when I was with the man who was emotionally abusive. The longer it went on the more that I would do to avoid conflict with him and some of the things I did, I look back on now and it hurts that I let him slowly erode my will and my confidence. It very easy to become a liar when you are in a relationship such as this because you say what you need to say to avoid a fight because you can't win, you will be bullied and made to feel like you are the crazy one.

 

I stopped shopping at one grocery store because he forbid me to go there because he thought the manager at his eye on me. Believe me...he didn't.

I learned when shopping to keep my head down and try to avoid talking with any male, didn't matter if they were a former co worker, an old friend, etc., any male that spoke to me, I'd get the 3rd degree.

 

I was criticized for my choices in clothes when dressing to go to work (in a office, no less.) According to him, it was too tight, that shirt will make men look at your breasts, you are wearing heels, etc. I have naturally curly hair, sometimes I would flatiron it. According to him, if I straightened my hair, I was wanting attention. Then later.....he critiqued my curly hair, said it wasn't professional looking enough, that it gave men the impression that I had a wild side. He would come take me to lunch every day, not because he wanted to be with me, he didn't want me spending that time with my coworkers, and yes it didn't matter if they were female or male. Eventually.....I gave in a bit here, a bit there. Less makeup, more frumpy baggy clothes, less care with my appearance and just to be clear here. I was not in any way dressing in a flashy draw attention to myself way before he started with the critiques.

 

I learned to keep my head down and would avoid looking at any men when we went out just so he wouldn't misinterpret my natural inclination to people watch as flirting or an interest in another man. In restaurants, I came to notice that he would try to have me sit in a place where I would have the most restrictive view of others. Once he actually had me sitting in a chair where I was facing the wall. (That was a big lightbulb moment, btw).

 

He discouraged any friendships with other women, and I'm sorry to say I hurt my best friend because of him. The few times that I spent time without him with a woman friend, I was drilled and interviewed like he was the cop and I was the suspect and always there would be something he would come up with as proof that I wasn't trustworthy or that I wasn't capable of taking care of myself. Sadly for the most part, I gave up my time with friends because to have to deal with the aftereffects from him wasn't worth it.

 

He was a master at manipulation........one day being very loving and nice, next ranting and raving over nothing. Always keeping me unbalanced and ill at ease. So you adapt, you squelch yourself, your thoughts, your hopes, your dreams, your outside contact because it ends up being used against you. Innocent things are turned into something ugly and used against you. He sucked much of the life out of me, I lost my sense of fun and I always felt stressed. Even when we were out and having a nice time, I never knew when the other shoe would drop and I'd be drilled for doing something he perceived as wrong.

 

We went to Las Vegas once......when walking around, he had his arm around me 99% of the time, not primarily because he wanted me close but it was his way of communicating ownership of me. We were in a famous bar one night, just sitting at the bar having a drink, talking. A man walked up behind me and I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was checking me out. I quickly looked away as I didn't want to give the impression that I invited it. Too late.....next thing I knew my fiance was in his face, threatening to punch him. Thankfully he calmed down and didn't but the rest of the night was ruined all because some man dared to look at me. Yes......just look. It gets worse. One morning I woke up before him, wanted coffee, no coffeemaker in room and room service took an hour at least. Decided to get dressed and run downstairs and get some. There was one restaurant that was fairly close to the elevator. I woke him up and said, I'm going to get coffee, be back in a few min. The restaurant close to the elevator didn't have to-go cups so I had to walk farther and if you have ever been to vegas you know how huge the casino's are, so it probably took me 20 min to get back. He flipped......I mean flipped out, like I was a 10 year old child who wasn't allowed to venture out on my own. I caught hell about that for the rest of the day, that night and on the flight back the next day. Coffee........for gawds sake, I just went to get coffee.

 

I just hope you get something from my ramblings and I hope you can understand what being with a man that is like that does to you. They steal your laughter, your peace of mind, your zest for life, you start changing into who you are not just to keep the peace. It sucks the life out of you and you become a meek, mild mouse, which IS exactly what they want.

 

Funny, that movie popped into my head, also

So did, "Enough" (with J-Lo) and "The Tracy Thurman Story".

 

My opinion (& I suspect there are many who agree with me)

Is that some of the worst, most damaging abuse will never leave a visible bruise, or a mark. It's emotional, and psychological..........

 

Which makes it all the more difficult to pinpoint, identify, and measure.

 

I believe the "Invisible Fist"--(the threat of impending violence, if the victim doesn't toe the line) is worse to live with, than anything else.........The uncertainty that follows, once a partner has demonstrated a propensity for out-of-control rage (such punching walls, throwing things) can cause huge amounts of stress---forcing the partner to be hyper-vigilant.

 

That kind of stress can take a toll on the entirety of your well-being---physical, emotional, spiritual.

 

It's no way to live.

 

 

Jessica---again I'm certainly not advising you to run away tonight, or presuming your H is a monster. I AM very concerned by the red flag behaviors you mentioned, however. (Lady Grey's post in which she highlighted a lot of those flags IS very telling, IMO)

 

Please---continue to educate, & empower yourself, to make sure you don't fall into the same traps that so many women do.

[freestyle]

Your post made some very profound and true points, freestyle. My post to follow is examples of what being with a man like this will do to you and I apologize for the length in advance.

 

I wanted to share some ways that I changed when I was with the man who was emotionally abusive. The longer it went on the more that I would do to avoid conflict with him and some of the things I did, I look back on now and it hurts that I let him slowly erode my will and my confidence. It very easy to become a liar when you are in a relationship such as this because you say what you need to say to avoid a fight because you can't win, you will be bullied and made to feel like you are the crazy one.

********************************************************

 

This is a classic manipulation tactic--another form of gaslighting. "Turning the tables" to dodge accountability. It's ALWAYS the victim who's wrong, at fault, etc............

 

Because for an abuser to admit culpability, they would have to admit to having flaws---and they absolutely can NOT face their own inner ugliness.

 

So they will browbeat, and browbeat, and browbeat---relentessly---until the victim capitulates out of sheer exhaustion.

 

It's kind of like emotional waterboarding.

 

*********************************************************

 

 

 

 

 

 

I stopped shopping at one grocery store because he forbid me to go there because he thought the manager at his eye on me. Believe me...he didn't.

I learned when shopping to keep my head down and try to avoid talking with any male, didn't matter if they were a former co worker, an old friend, etc., any male that spoke to me, I'd get the 3rd degree.

 

I was criticized for my choices in clothes when dressing to go to work (in a office, no less.) According to him, it was too tight, that shirt will make men look at your breasts, you are wearing heels, etc. I have naturally curly hair, sometimes I would flatiron it. According to him, if I straightened my hair, I was wanting attention. Then later.....he critiqued my curly hair, said it wasn't professional looking enough, that it gave men the impression that I had a wild side. He would come take me to lunch every day, not because he wanted to be with me, he didn't want me spending that time with my coworkers, and yes it didn't matter if they were female or male. Eventually.....I gave in a bit here, a bit there. Less makeup, more frumpy baggy clothes, less care with my appearance and just to be clear here. I was not in any way dressing in a flashy draw attention to myself way before he started with the critiques.

 

I learned to keep my head down and would avoid looking at any men when we went out just so he wouldn't misinterpret my natural inclination to people watch as flirting or an interest in another man. In restaurants, I came to notice that he would try to have me sit in a place where I would have the most restrictive view of others. Once he actually had me sitting in a chair where I was facing the wall. (That was a big lightbulb moment, btw).

 

He discouraged any friendships with other women, and I'm sorry to say I hurt my best friend because of him. The few times that I spent time without him with a woman friend, I was drilled and interviewed like he was the cop and I was the suspect and always there would be something he would come up with as proof that I wasn't trustworthy or that I wasn't capable of taking care of myself. Sadly for the most part, I gave up my time with friends because to have to deal with the aftereffects from him wasn't worth it.

 

He was a master at manipulation........one day being very loving and nice, next ranting and raving over nothing. Always keeping me unbalanced and ill at ease. So you adapt, you squelch yourself, your thoughts, your hopes, your dreams, your outside contact because it ends up being used against you. Innocent things are turned into something ugly and used against you. He sucked much of the life out of me, I lost my sense of fun and I always felt stressed. Even when we were out and having a nice time, I never knew when the other shoe would drop and I'd be drilled for doing something he perceived as wrong.

********************************************************

When the abuse is intermittent like that---interspersed with periods of loving behavior----it can do even MORE damage , psychologically.

 

This is a good illustration of "The Invisible Fist" concept I was describing in my post...........

 

*********************************************************

 

We went to Las Vegas once......when walking around, he had his arm around me 99% of the time, not primarily because he wanted me close but it was his way of communicating ownership of me. We were in a famous bar one night, just sitting at the bar having a drink, talking. A man walked up behind me and I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was checking me out. I quickly looked away as I didn't want to give the impression that I invited it. Too late.....next thing I knew my fiance was in his face, threatening to punch him. Thankfully he calmed down and didn't but the rest of the night was ruined all because some man dared to look at me. Yes......just look. It gets worse. One morning I woke up before him, wanted coffee, no coffeemaker in room and room service took an hour at least. Decided to get dressed and run downstairs and get some. There was one restaurant that was fairly close to the elevator. I woke him up and said, I'm going to get coffee, be back in a few min. The restaurant close to the elevator didn't have to-go cups so I had to walk farther and if you have ever been to vegas you know how huge the casino's are, so it probably took me 20 min to get back. He flipped......I mean flipped out, like I was a 10 year old child who wasn't allowed to venture out on my own. I caught hell about that for the rest of the day, that night and on the flight back the next day. Coffee........for gawds sake, I just went to get coffee.

 

I just hope you get something from my ramblings and I hope you can understand what being with a man that is like that does to you. They steal your laughter, your peace of mind, your zest for life, you start changing into who you are not just to keep the peace. It sucks the life out of you and you become a meek, mild mouse, which IS exactly what they want.

 

(some responses in bold)

 

Lady Grey---reading this makes me want to cry, I'm so sorry you went through that---and I'm very happy you got yourself safely away, & have started to regain your sense of self. (((((hugs)))))

 

 

I had one of those time-controlling abusers, too. He would flip-OUT, over me being twenty minutes late. On one occasion he smashed a beer bottle against the brick wall, directly behind my head.

 

You'd think that would've been enough for me to run & never look back, but I was VERY young (16). The following week--I was late again......

 

This time he got physical, grabbed me by the throat with both hands, and started banging my head against the wall. Fortunately ---my cornered animal instinct took over, and before I realized it, I'd punched him square in the nose. It surprised him enough, to make him stop, and I ran, & ran & ran, never to return.

 

In a way, I was lucky---he showed his true colors before I invested too much of my time & emotional currency. There's no mistaking physical abuse---it's blatant, obvious. It can be easier to escape from. It's the long term emotional abuse that can do much deeper damage......

[LadyGrey]

Thank you FS.....and my heart goes out to you too for what you endured. You were just a baby and oh so smart for your age then. I'm so thankful that you ran and you didn't give him another chance to hurt you more. It would have been bad, he might have ended up killing you or hurting you very badly. Hugs right back at ya!

 

I think Jessica is struggling with believing that what is going on at her house is abuse. As FS pointed out, someone hits you, you can NOT deny it, but someone who mixes caring with doses of bad, it's not blatant and it creeps up on you a little at a time. Some abusers aren't even conscious themselves of why they are doing what they are dong and in their heads they don't see the controlling behavior and the manipulation. They just don't recognize it. For example here is another little tidbit about my x that might resonate with Jessica. He would take great pride in how well he treated me, concentrating on the good things, how much he loved me, BUT he would not acknowledge the dark side and if I tried to make him accountable, he would rage and blame me. Abusers aren't often able to see the disconnect, well unless they are just plain evil and know exactly what they are doing which is the exception, imo. When you put them on the spot in one of the good periods, they will deflect, wear you down, do their very best to make you feel like you at least hold part of the blame for the way they behaved. You eventually give in to a degree, because you know you are fighting a losing battle.

 

If you can get to a point where you accept that you are being abused Jessica and you have a plan and he senses that you are pulling away from him, he will ramp it up. He will ramp up the good and the bad. So prepare for that and expect it. I will close in saying........that you must love yourself enough to be able to recognize what is healthy and what is not and also accept that you can do absolutely NOTHING to change him and also accept that the odds are very, very slim that he will change.

 

 

(some responses in bold)

 

Lady Grey---reading this makes me want to cry, I'm so sorry you went through that---and I'm very happy you got yourself safely away, & have started to regain your sense of self. (((((hugs)))))

 

 

I had one of those time-controlling abusers, too. He would flip-OUT, over me being twenty minutes late. On one occasion he smashed a beer bottle against the brick wall, directly behind my head.

 

You'd think that would've been enough for me to run & never look back, but I was VERY young (16). The following week--I was late again......

 

This time he got physical, grabbed me by the throat with both hands, and started banging my head against the wall. Fortunately ---my cornered animal instinct took over, and before I realized it, I'd punched him square in the nose. It surprised him enough, to make him stop, and I ran, & ran & ran, never to return.

 

In a way, I was lucky---he showed his true colors before I invested too much of my time & emotional currency. There's no mistaking physical abuse---it's blatant, obvious. It can be easier to escape from. It's the long term emotional abuse that can do much deeper damage......

[findingnemo]

I feel so sad when I read about spousal abuse. One's home is supposed to be a safe haven. People don't understand how it feels to dread going home... to live with a monster while everybody assumes he loves you. I hate that I was so blind I let myself get into a situation like that. I hate that I still carry some secrets of things he did to me that I still can't bring myself to tell anybody. Not even anonymously. I hate that I will never quite be able to trust that the man who tells me he loves me won't turn around and hurt me physically. I used to love with my whole heart. I hope that next time I pick someone who will not use it against me.

 

I pray that I can teach my children and others how to identify these psychos before it's too late.

 

{{{{{{Hugs LG and FS}}}}}}

[freestyle]

 

I feel so sad when I read about spousal abuse. One's home is supposed to be a safe haven. People don't understand how it feels to dread going home... to live with a monster while everybody assumes he loves you. I hate that I was so blind I let myself get into a situation like that. I hate that I still carry some secrets of things he did to me that I still can't bring myself to tell anybody. Not even anonymously. I hate that I will never quite be able to trust that the man who tells me he loves me won't turn around and hurt me physically. I used to love with my whole heart. I hope that next time I pick someone who will not use it against me.

I pray that I can teach my children and others how to identify these psychos before it's too late.

 

{{{{{{Hugs LG and FS}}}}}}

 

Thank you, Finding Nemo---hugs right backatcha.

 

I'm incredibly sorry for your pain, as well.

 

It's that much harder when the abuse is all behind closed doors, so no one else in your life will validate your experience----let alone provide emotional support.People look at you like you're nuts,or presume you're "overreacting".

 

You're right, home should be a safe haven, a sanctuary--NOT a source of fear.

 

 

 

Fortunately for me--it was just a high school boyfriend---I didn't have the emotional investment that most marriages require.

 

It might sound really bizarre--but I'm actually glad the jerk got physical with me.(Now, anyways) It was a defining moment in my life, to fight back like I did. I stood a little taller, a little straighter after that. I guess it helped me to find my spine, and learn to set boundaries. I learned how to stand up to a bully---(even though I'm a very petite woman). So, now I look back at that proudly.

 

Unfortunately, it took several more years to learn how to recognize emotional abuse...........I went through a couple of those realtionships, too.

 

 

Like you---I want to teach others (women & men , both)how to identify the psychos before it's too late---that's why I shared my story.

[LadyGrey]

Hugs....right back at you nemo. It makes me cry to read stories like yours and FS's and my own. Your post below shows the damage that abuse does, it damages your heart and your soul and you won't ever have the freedom you once had before, not that we can't overcome it because we can.....BUT the scars remain and that is why I post to Jessica. The longer we remain in these situations that hurt us, the bigger and deeper the scars are and the more baggage we take with us. I am to the point that I know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships and I've developed good boundaries but I don't know if I can ever let someone in again and take that chance because there is doubt there and fear that my baggage will overtake my good sense. In other words.........don't be me.

 

I don't want Jessica to wait too long, just long enough to be strong and know deep in her heart and soul that this "love" is not good for her and it will hurt her. Love should be kind, uplifting and should bring out your best self, it should not seek to pull you down, nor should it make you feel that if you need to be someone different that your core self just to please them.

 

 

 

I feel so sad when I read about spousal abuse. One's home is supposed to be a safe haven. People don't understand how it feels to dread going home... to live with a monster while everybody assumes he loves you. I hate that I was so blind I let myself get into a situation like that. I hate that I still carry some secrets of things he did to me that I still can't bring myself to tell anybody. Not even anonymously. I hate that I will never quite be able to trust that the man who tells me he loves me won't turn around and hurt me physically. I used to love with my whole heart. I hope that next time I pick someone who will not use it against me.

 

I pray that I can teach my children and others how to identify these psychos before it's too late.

 

{{{{{{Hugs LG and FS}}}}}}

[findingnemo]

 

 

 

Thank you, Finding Nemo---hugs right backatcha.

 

I'm incredibly sorry for your pain, as well.

 

It's that much harder when the abuse is all behind closed doors, so no one else in your life will validate your experience----let alone provide emotional support.People look at you like you're nuts,or presume you're "overreacting".

 

You're right, home should be a safe haven, a sanctuary--NOT a source of fear.

 

 

 

Fortunately for me--it was just a high school boyfriend---I didn't have the emotional investment that most marriages require.

 

It might sound really bizarre--but I'm actually glad the jerk got physical with me.(Now, anyways) It was a defining moment in my life, to fight back like I did. I stood a little taller, a little straighter after that. I guess it helped me to find my spine, and learn to set boundaries. I learned how to stand up to a bully---(even though I'm a very petite woman). So, now I look back at that proudly.

 

Unfortunately, it took several more years to learn how to recognize emotional abuse...........I went through a couple of those realtionships, too.

 

 

Like you---I want to teach others (women & men , both)how to identify the psychos before it's too late---that's why I shared my story.

 

People think I'm crazy when I say I'm grateful my H beat me up. If he hadn't, I'd still be living in that hellhole of a M. I would have taken anything and already was but the violence was too much. It forced me to choose. I need to be there for my children until they are adults.

 

LG, the scars do remain but we are also survivors who can handle pretty much anything. I'm much tougher now. I can identify a bully in a second. It would have taken longer before. Most times abusers will walk away from people who are strong-willed and who can read them like a book. So I hope I'll be safe from now on.

 

Jessica, hope you're alright. Knowledge is very empowering, you know. Only you know exactly what kind of person your H is. But please do not think that all will be well somehow. The signs are there and the possibility exists that he could escalate if you suddenly become assertive. Be careful.

[LadyGrey]

One more thing, I'm a 51 year old woman. My 1st emotional abusive relationship started when I was 18 and it went on until my mid 20's. I swore that I would NEVER get myself into another one, but yep......the 2nd one was mid 40's. I only wasted 3 years on that one. I have never had a man hit me although there have been a couple of times when I had fear of it, but it didn't happen and this is why I think why.

 

My theory is that we attract and we partner up with what we are familiar with good or bad and if we have foo issues, it's like a bowl of soup that we fall into and if we aren't conscious of those issues and we aren't aware why we do what we do, it's a recipe for disaster. I also think that those we partner up with sense those issues in us, they have their own issues too. The instinctively know our vulnerabilities and they also knowingly or not get a feel quite quickly for what we will tolerate or how they can manipulate us. It's unconscious I think unless they are just down to the core evil.

 

Anyway.......back to my point about why I think I've never been hit. I grew up with an abusive father who did hit me and I always knew that is something that I would not tolerate at all. So......the men I've been involved with, they knew this on some innate level, they knew they could do other things to me and I would tolerate it to a point but hitting me.......nope. I am not a violent person by any means, but I've always known that if a man hit me, I would probably go completely and totally bat **** crazy and you can bet I would hit back. In fact I'd probably spend the rest of my life in prison because I would probably have killed them. I think they sensed this, just like they sensed either consciously or unconsciously that I would tolerate emotional abuse on some level for a time.

 

 

I hope it makes a bit of sense.

[findingnemo]

Yes I think abusers are pretty shrewd about people. I had a great childhood. No violence but a very strict upbringing where my father is the man of the house. So I'm attracted to manly types - alpha males.

 

My H sensed a weakness in me that he exploited. I was into appearances. I mean I cared very much about how things looked. I wanted to be the perfect W, with the perfect home. I cooked and baked and was basically like Martha Stewart. He knew that once I was M, I'd do everything to keep up appearances. I was the perfect target because he did want the good W, he loved entertaining and I loved hosting. Everything has to be perfect for me. The cutlery, the china, I have flowers delivered weekly to my house. So there was no way I'd ever disclose that my home life wasn't ideal.

 

I haven't changed in many ways but I no longer care about what others think. I will no longer cover things up. Life is too short... I hope that I don't attract another psycho. God knows I need some good love. I'd rather be alone than suffering with a "partner".

[freestyle]

One more thing, I'm a 51 year old woman. My 1st emotional abusive relationship started when I was 18 and it went on until my mid 20's. I swore that I would NEVER get myself into another one, but yep......the 2nd one was mid 40's. I only wasted 3 years on that one. I have never had a man hit me although there have been a couple of times when I had fear of it, but it didn't happen and this is why I think why.

 

My theory is that we attract and we partner up with what we are familiar with good or bad and if we have foo issues, it's like a bowl of soup that we fall into and if we aren't conscious of those issues and we aren't aware why we do what we do, it's a recipe for disaster. I also think that those we partner up with sense those issues in us, they have their own issues too. The instinctively know our vulnerabilities and they also knowingly or not get a feel quite quickly for what we will tolerate or how they can manipulate us. It's unconscious I think unless they are just down to the core evil.

 

Anyway.......back to my point about why I think I've never been hit. I grew up with an abusive father who did hit me and I always knew that is something that I would not tolerate at all. So......the men I've been involved with, they knew this on some innate level, they knew they could do other things to me and I would tolerate it to a point but hitting me.......nope. I am not a violent person by any means, but I've always known that if a man hit me, I would probably go completely and totally bat **** crazy and you can bet I would hit back. In fact I'd probably spend the rest of my life in prison because I would probably have killed them. I think they sensed this, just like they sensed either consciously or unconsciously that I would tolerate emotional abuse on some level for a time.

 

 

I hope it makes a bit of sense.

 

 

It actually makes total sense to me. Same as you--my father used a belt.

And the invisible fist hanging in the air, ever present. So, I only ever had the one man get physical with me---but he was an extreme alcoholic, with a hair trigger temper. I've never had any man try that with me ever again.

 

Like you, I think I projected enough of a, "don't even dream of going THERE with me, oh HELL no!" vibe to all the subsequent relationships I was in.In fact-- a boyfriend in my twenties used to joke about feeling sorry for anyone who would try to mug me in an alley......

 

I never had a man raise a hand to me again. (I also learned just enough Kung Fu to make sure I could protect myself, if I had to) So I may have exuded a certain confidence because of that.

 

I agree about the FOO issues playing a role in whether or not we have good boundaries for abusive behavior. We can be unconsciously be attracted to repeat those same patterns & dynamics.............or fall into a relationship with a partner whose issues dovetail with our own.